Wow. I'm so impressed with the healthy, interesting, and totally civil (from what I've read) discussion in
. I just wanted to say THANK YOU. :)
Man, this place has really come a long way in its discussion of women's issues, surprisingly fast. I felt like I just had to say something and give everyone a big group hug of appreciation. (Okay, quit grabbing my butt. Sigh.)
It was only a little over a year ago that I did a *ridiculously* silly post about flashers, something all women have experienced. It centered around a totally
cheesy craigslist ad, for if you know my posting style,
cheesy is often my main theme. (I rarely do posts about the fall of Yugoslavia or symbolism in the oeuvre of James Joyce, people. I'm more about alcoholic cupcakes, The Marx Brothers and upside down dogs.)
After a bit, the thread morphed into a serious discussion between a group of women who had experienced flashing, sharing their experiences (a lot of women never tell much of anyone afterwards, trained that it's best to keep such unseemly experiences to ourselves, pretend nothing happened and just move on). We were telling our stories, partly to comedic effect since that's a coping mechanism. Ahhh... but then we admitted to eachother that sometimes we wished we could understand what's in a flasher's mind... and speaking for myself, I meant purely for my own edification. I then made a stream of consciousness statement, openly pondering the law of averages, and wondering if anyone reading the thread had flashed and could explain something I really didn't understand. (And might I add that within the next two weeks, I received six such lengthy and incredibly candid e-mails from people. They were actually really interesting and enlightening to me -- so thanks immensely to those who were brave enough to share their stories with me. They were all really respectful and I appreciated the insights they contained.)
Anyhow, at that point in the thread it was just women kinda bonding over a shared experience, until a Meta was called by a male member whereupon I was firmly branded "sexist." The title of the Meta was "Hysterics" (which of course was not patronizing or sexist at all, for as I am ladyfolk, hysteria, the vapors, and consumption are clearly things I deal with on a regular basis). Within five minutes of the Meta my post was ceremoniously deleted, however not an eyelash was batted over the original poster's comment: "Yeah, men are scum, miss lynnster. Now bend over." as being inappropriate or demeaning. That sent me a big message so at this point I decided that rather than defend myself (I just squeaked out a few awkwardly uncomfortable responses like, "Geez, I'm a troublemaker, huh?" and "I'm not sexist. I loves me some men!") or letting myself get terribly upset, I walked away from the situation for my own benefit, pretty much acknowledging that my voice wasn't going to be heard as it wasn't my peer group or audience. I'm old enough to know you should choose battles that are big enough to matter and small enough to win... and I knew I was in over my head with this one. Besides, it seemed surreal to me that all of this ire had stemmed from a silly craigslist post.
The two intense Metas that followed, with their thousands of comments and the multi-flameouts (Jenni Diski, for example) were unexpected and to be honest at first they freaked me the Hell out as they were happening. I was like, "Jesus. This is too intense. I can't believe my stupid flashing post instigated this." But as it unfolded I read along, and after being inspired by so many of the comments I walked back in after a while. That second thread became the first time I openly told the story of when I was attacked as a teen... which, frankly, was very freeing to be able to speak about publicly. I was able to share because at that moment I felt that I was in a safe enough environment that I wasn't worrying at all about how I or my experience would be judged, and I can't stress enough what a big thing that is for people. Later I went to a couple of meetups in SF where women pulled me aside to thank me for my part in the Boyzone conversation, and in truth I was kind of humbled and embarrassed by the attention at first. It felt weird, having people I had never met before coming up to me to talk about it.
But reading the thread that happened today I suddenly got a warm feeling about those conversations and this place as I realized there really HAS been an insane amount of progress in the attitudes and dialogues and that Metafilter really has become a safe, less judgmental place in regards to women's issues and perspectives. Seems to me that those conversations last year really made a difference.
So I'm just proud of people and wanted to say so. For any positive part you played in those conversations in order to help this community to evolve into a better, more welcoming place... please pat yourself on the back. You rock.
It's a great thing for people to not feel they have to walk away from a topic, acknowledging that their stories aren't going to be understood or heard before they even try. It's much better to feel safe, respected and included. And on a personal note, I'm thrilled that both women AND men here now uniformly recognize why telling a woman to "bend over" when there's a disagreement *really* isn't funny.
Anyhow, I'm babbling. But I just wanted to thank you all for your part in making the inter-sexual communication in this place SO much more healthy, interesting, and mutual. Yay. I'll shut up now.
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posted by jonmc at 12:02 PM on December 23, 2008