"it's complete pants".

August 25, 2009 12:40 PM

Bank Machines owes Metafilter a nod: Just look at this ATM screen design.
posted by boo_radley to MetaFilter-Related at 12:40 PM (106 comments total)

You're overthinking a mate of Charlie Sheens.
posted by Pronoiac at 12:43 PM on August 25, 2009 [8 favorites]

Not very professional, is it, then?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:43 PM on August 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
BANK MACHINES?!
posted by JeffK at 12:45 PM on August 25, 2009

Bank Machines owes Metafilter a nod: Just look have a butcher's at this ATM screen design.

I mean come on, boo_radley.
posted by dersins at 12:46 PM on August 25, 2009 [9 favorites]

I call fake. The only cockney I know if the chiminy sweeping guy from Mary Poppins and he never said any of this stuff.
posted by ND¢ at 12:48 PM on August 25, 2009

£20, same 'as a frown.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:49 PM on August 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

What does this have to do with MetaFilter?

Shagged. Grooving gone.
posted by mattdidthat at 12:49 PM on August 25, 2009

Look's like Matt's web design is a license to print money.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:49 PM on August 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

The machine also speaks with Bob Dylan's voice.

Yuh waaaan that backin TWENTIIIEESS?
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:52 PM on August 25, 2009 [9 favorites]

Donkey muffin bananafish.

I don't get this game.
posted by ColdChef at 12:53 PM on August 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

44769
posted by ignignokt at 12:57 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

44769 $20 fast cash please
posted by ignignokt at 12:57 PM on August 25, 2009

Honk if you love Annabeth Gish?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:57 PM on August 25, 2009

Papa's bankbook wasn't big enough?
posted by Dumsnill at 12:57 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

This ATM is busted. Guess I should MeMail pb?
posted by ignignokt at 12:58 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Bangers and Mash? It should just read "bangers", surely?
posted by dabitch at 12:58 PM on August 25, 2009

Can we add the wtf tag to this please?
posted by Elmore at 12:58 PM on August 25, 2009

"Cockney cash machine initiative draws mixed reaction from Londoners"

Because after it dispenses your money, it stabs you and takes it back.
posted by klangklangston at 1:02 PM on August 25, 2009 [8 favorites]

Oh, come on. Not all Cockneys are criminals. Some are costermongers.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:04 PM on August 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

Bloody Hell!

What?
posted by Mister_A at 1:05 PM on August 25, 2009

Some tea leaves 'as made away with our Walt Kelly's!
posted by Iridic at 1:08 PM on August 25, 2009

I cannae believe there's been nay other use of th' "copycats" tag.

I'm still not doing it right, am I...
posted by Mister_A at 1:10 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Thanks. WTF Metafilter?
posted by Elmore at 1:11 PM on August 25, 2009

And in other Howard Hughes:

''Elp! 'Elp! Me 'ouse is on fire!'
posted by Iridic at 1:12 PM on August 25, 2009

When did UserFriendly.org start selling ATMs?
posted by DWRoelands at 1:13 PM on August 25, 2009

Oh, that's not the Mae West then, innit?
posted by Elmore at 1:14 PM on August 25, 2009

I don't get this game.

rhyming slang.
posted by empath at 1:14 PM on August 25, 2009

Oo'er! Best kept away from the trouble and strife.
posted by stinkycheese at 1:18 PM on August 25, 2009

This thread needs more Bob Dylan gps jokes, OK? Thank you. Bye.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:19 PM on August 25, 2009

Freshen yer drink, guv'nor?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:20 PM on August 25, 2009

TEA KETTLE!!!
posted by odinsdream at 1:21 PM on August 25, 2009

This thread needs more Bob Dylan gps jokes, OK? Thank you. Bye.

What direction home are you taking?
posted by Elmore at 1:27 PM on August 25, 2009

If you lads don't drop the cant, I'll ave at you with me Oliver Twists.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:28 PM on August 25, 2009

This thread needs more Bob Dylan gps jokes, OK? Thank you. Bye.
I was going to get one, but then I thought, most likely he'll go his way and I'll go mine.
posted by Abiezer at 1:28 PM on August 25, 2009 [5 favorites]

A pink shirt would make it look more professional.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:46 PM on August 25, 2009

“It’s complete pants,” he said. “Using an ATM is a very sensitive moment.”
posted by Pants! at 1:49 PM on August 25, 2009 [6 favorites]

Finally! An Egyptian Hieroglyph option on ATMs! O how I have waited.
posted by The Whelk at 1:55 PM on August 25, 2009

trust me...you dont wanna do this
posted by ShawnString at 1:56 PM on August 25, 2009

And I think somebody should have a word with this cat. Professional background, though....
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 2:08 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

gps jokes

omg racist
posted by DU at 2:19 PM on August 25, 2009

Whoever stole Matt's design is a right royal fox hunt.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:23 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

wait.... I meant cat literally. kitty.
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 2:25 PM on August 25, 2009

Hopefully, there'll be a Norman Lovett version:

ATM?
NO, I'M THE CHANGE DISPENSER
FROM THE PENNY ARCADE
ACROSS THE ROAD.
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:36 PM on August 25, 2009

No one knows what it's liiiiiike, to be a Bank Machiiiiiiiiine, in Shaftsburyyyyyyyyyy, with Hooligans.
posted by shmegegge at 2:40 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

I want the Upper-Class 1920s ATM

WITHDRAW

WITHDRAW COCKTAIL

ASK AUNTIE FOR MONEY

DEPOSIT (jewelry, hats, walking sticks, cigarette cases)

DEPOSIT (land, ancestral homes, titles)

HAVE JEEVES CHECK BALANCE

MOVE TO BERLIN

EXIT
posted by The Whelk at 2:44 PM on August 25, 2009 [16 favorites]

No one knows what it's liiiiiike, to be a Bank Machiiiiiiiiine, in Shaftsburyyyyyyyyyy, with Hooligans. (shmegegge)

For some reason, when I read this, I was hearing Tom Petty's "You Don't Know How It Feels." Which is not Dylan, at all.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:45 PM on August 25, 2009

Whelksie poo, I love you, dahling.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:46 PM on August 25, 2009

ocherdraco: "For some reason, when I read this, I was hearing Tom Petty's "You Don't Know How It Feels." Which is not Dylan, at all."

Unfortunately it's The Who by way of Bill Hicks by way of me.
posted by shmegegge at 2:50 PM on August 25, 2009

This is just to say
I have eaten
your debit card
that was in
your wallet

and which
you were probably
hoping
to use for cash withdrawal

Forgive me
you were overdrawn
and your PIN
was wrong
posted by Beautiful Screaming Lady at 2:53 PM on August 25, 2009 [24 favorites]

Now listen 'ere guvnor and mind you don't be takin the piss. You must be some sort of Sherman.


Geezers Need Excitement
(YT link to a song by The Streets)
posted by fourcheesemac at 3:01 PM on August 25, 2009

I tried one of those machines, but when I went to withdraw money, the machine forced me to engage in a back and forth discussion on the economic merits of a saving versus credit using society, which quickly was derailed on how the design of the currency was stupid, followed by subtle hints that Masonic coded messages were embedded within it. Finally, the word "FLAGGED" suddenly appeared in bright red letters across the screen, and I ran away.
posted by Atreides at 3:15 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Why thankyou vershymush Ochery. Now do you know the recent wagging? Why on Wednesday night I went to a marvelous party.
posted by The Whelk at 3:19 PM on August 25, 2009

FEED ME A CAT
posted by hermitosis at 3:30 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Kronos, that's a huge cat. A major tom, if I'm not mistaken.
posted by boo_radley at 3:37 PM on August 25, 2009

Oh now come on.

It's supposed to say Jack Palance on Charlie Sheen, dummies!
posted by Sys Rq at 3:48 PM on August 25, 2009

<American in London>Oooh! I'd like the Sausage and Mash with the receipt, please. Sounds yummy!</American in London>
posted by koeselitz at 3:53 PM on August 25, 2009

Tea leafing Casa Blancas.
posted by tellurian at 4:17 PM on August 25, 2009

<American in London>*receives black pudding*</American in London>
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:31 PM on August 25, 2009

FEED ME A STRAY CAT

Apologies hermitosis, but this has to be linked. A guy only gets so many opportunities to link to a video of an ATM scene where a cat gets a gun to its head.
posted by clearly at 4:36 PM on August 25, 2009

a) This is dumb.
b) It really craps out when they just go ahead and say "with receipt" in normal language. Try a little harder! "with a trip to Crete?" "with stinky feet?"
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:42 PM on August 25, 2009

Has anyone considered the fact that viral asshole social engineering hackers probably copied the layout in order to spam us with their goddamn crap?
posted by By The Grace of God at 4:43 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

Out of kilter rugs and mats.
posted by tellurian at 4:58 PM on August 25, 2009

Tea leafing Casa Blancas.

Merchant banking tea leaves.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:06 PM on August 25, 2009

GDAY YER USIN THE NASSHERNAL STRAYLA BANK AY TEE EM
D'YA WUNT MONEY OR WOT
WUNNA RECEET OR UL JIST SHAAYA BALUNCE ONNA SCREAIN
ORRIGHT HEIRSYA BALUNCE
HEERSIERCAARDEN MONEY
SEEYA NECKSTIME
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 5:07 PM on August 25, 2009 [8 favorites]

Those of us who are of the American persuasion might find it helpful to consult DJ Smiley Culture's smash hit record from 1984, Cockney Translation.

Or maybe not. Either way, I love that goddamned video.
posted by koeselitz at 5:50 PM on August 25, 2009

Stephen Fry vs. Cockney Rhyming Slang.
posted by koeselitz at 5:53 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

This thread needs more Bob Dylan gps jokes, OK? Thank you. Bye.

"Positively 4th Street"?
posted by zoinks at 5:54 PM on August 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

EhhhhEEEVRYBODY MUST GIT STOWND!
posted by not_on_display at 6:10 PM on August 25, 2009

They should do one in lolspeek

I CAN HAS CASH FROM BUKKIT?
I CAN PUT CASH IN BUKKIT?
HOWS MA BUKKIT?

And then if you check your bukkit, a new screen opens with

********LET ME SHOW YOU YOUR BALANCE*********
|                                           |                            
|     (your balance appears in here)        |
|                                           |                                                                                     
|*******************************************|
               YOUR BALANCE
            let me show you it

posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:12 PM on August 25, 2009 [37 favorites]

ROU, I would go to that bank only, ONLY, if the ATM menu were insanely colorful cartoons of adorable, befuddled cats.
posted by The Whelk at 6:23 PM on August 25, 2009

It never occurred to me to refer to my checking account as My Bukkit. I assure you this has been rectified.
posted by The Whelk at 6:27 PM on August 25, 2009 [8 favorites]

Meatbomb: This thread needs more Bob Dylan gps jokes, OK? Thank you. Bye.

"Please turn left and drive away from the rotary;
Leave at your own chosen speed."

"If you're going to the North Country Fair,
Then please take the next right and follow the ramp onto the motorway."

"It ain't no use turnin' at the light, babe–
That light I never knowed
It ain't no use turnin' at the light, babe;
Just continue on, and merge toward the left side of the road."

"The motorcycle black madonna
Two-wheeled gypsy queen
And her silver-studded phantom cause
The gray flannel dwarf to scream
There is heavy traffic just ahead
On the freeway which is part of your route;
To avoid it, please turn right and take 25th Avenue just before you get to the Gates of Eden."

"The highway is for gamblers, better use your sense.
Continue on 500 yards and then turn left at the fence.
If you take a smaller but less-often-used street
There will be less traffic congestion with which you'll meet;
I can adjust your route simultaneously, too–
You are nearing your destination, Baby Blue."

"While here you sit so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going through all these toll booths twice
I have an alternate route to recommend:
If you're stuck inside of Mobile
I-55 via Highway 98 will get you to Memphis again."

"Well, I see you got your brand new leopard-skin pill-box hat
Yes, I see you got your brand new leopard-skin pill-box hat
Well, I can tell you, baby
The addresses of eleven shops in the area that sell chapeaus like that"

"'There must be some kind of way out of here,' said the joker to the thief;
'There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief.'
'No reason to get excited,' the thief, he kindly spoke
'Just continue along the service road until you reach the viaduct, and then turn left.'"

[ooh, this is fun]
posted by koeselitz at 7:16 PM on August 25, 2009 [13 favorites]

lolwhelk?
posted by xorry at 7:19 PM on August 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

Owright, this'll wendell.
posted by carsonb at 7:21 PM on August 25, 2009

you have no chance to survive make your withdrawal

all your deposits are belong to us

somebody set up us the bank balance

move 'FUNDS' for great justice
posted by armage at 7:53 PM on August 25, 2009

I would support an ATM that uses all-caps white Impact with a 5px black stroke.
posted by Rhomboid at 7:54 PM on August 25, 2009

Is this where I make my Highway 61 joke?
posted by The World Famous at 8:08 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

O.K., so we were back stage at the Dylan show waiting for it to fuckin' end so we could load out and go home already when the governor of our fine state comes walking through the loading dock with his entourage. So Clevis says, in his best faux-cockney: "'Ello, Guvnah!."
We all lost it. Stage hands, state cops, lieutenant governor, the governor's wife and even the governor himself laughed so hard we were coughing.
Then Dylan does three fuckin' encores, so the governor missed the best part of the show by ducking out early, and we had to work 'til 3 to load the last truck. But everything after midnight is time and a half, so there was that.
posted by Floydd at 8:27 PM on August 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

What does this have to do with MetaFilter?

Shagged. Grooving gone.

Took me a while, too.

The font? The colour? The slang? WTF? Then I finally noticed the graphic, top right.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:39 PM on August 25, 2009

Is there a green version of this design? One that asks you if you're really sure you want to withdraw $40 from savings? It understands you need the money, but depositing $60 to checking really would be a better course of action.
posted by hifiparasol at 10:52 PM on August 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

5 bucks is a bit too much for an ATM fee.
posted by qvantamon at 12:30 AM on August 26, 2009

As the grandson & boyfriend of real genuine Davids* I find that this thread has entered Asian Girlfriend territory and so I am doing my utmost to be offended and upset. Very offended and very upset. You should all be ashamed of you collective self. Or something...

*David Hockney
posted by i_cola at 1:16 AM on August 26, 2009

I have to say, by the by, that it's interesting that UK ATMS let you change your Huckleberry Finn; and what's this 'unlocking' it's talking about? Here, you can't do either of those things at an ATM, literally or figuratively.
posted by koeselitz at 4:21 AM on August 26, 2009

My English friend says that the Geiko gecko would sound extremely untrustworthy to most English people. But then, he's from Grimsby.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 4:49 AM on August 26, 2009

> Bangers and Mash? It should just read "bangers", surely?

Ugh. Totally. But they actually have "Sausage and Mash, With Receipt"... "Bangers, With Receipt" would be much better. Same with "Huckleberry Change", and "Balance on Charlie".

Not that I'm a spade myself, but saying both parts of the rosemary sounds so amateur!
(am I doing this right?)
posted by molecicco at 5:11 AM on August 26, 2009

xorry, making a meme? That's a favoriting.
posted by The Whelk at 5:12 AM on August 26, 2009

"Huckleberry Finn".

At least the ATM didn't say "Huckleberry Finn Number". Grrr.

//Tautology Police
posted by uncanny hengeman at 5:23 AM on August 26, 2009

Whoever stole Matt's design is a right royal fox hunt.

The slang you're looking for is Berkley (Berkley Hunt...and you get the idea).

Trufax: 'berk' isn't allowed in UK TV advertising, as it's a shortened version of Berkley Hunt, which is slang for...and you get the idea.
posted by mippy at 6:57 AM on August 26, 2009

Now everyone can play!
posted by electroboy at 7:38 AM on August 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

But John Strachan, 52, an IT worker from Dundee, found the experience troubling. When it offered to serve him in English or Cockney, he suspected a hoax. He selected Cockney.

He "suspected a hoax" but typed his pin anyway. Fuck, I know customers can be stupid cunts, but banks pulling stupid pranks like this are not exactly going to improve the situation much, right?
posted by DreamerFi at 7:47 AM on August 26, 2009

It's supposed to say Jack Palance on Charlie Sheen, dummies!

Hawt.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:11 AM on August 26, 2009

The slang you're looking for is Berkley
Berkshire!
/pedant of filth (/band name)
posted by Abiezer at 8:28 AM on August 26, 2009

Stumble on the side of twelve misty mountains
Walk and crawl on six crooked highways
Step in the middle of seven sad forests
Drive out in front of a dozen dead oceans
Head on through ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard,
and it's a hard,
it's a hard,
and it's a hard,
And it's a hard right yer gonna turn
posted by Iridic at 8:33 AM on August 26, 2009 [6 favorites]

Abiezer: "/pedant of filth (/band name)"

they got me through some really bleak times.
posted by boo_radley at 9:47 AM on August 26, 2009

I'd like to hear David Lee Roth on my GPS:

Woo-hoo! Take a look at this!
Hey man, that suit is you!
Whoo-whee! You'll get some leg tonight for sure!
Tell us how you do! Hoo hoo hoo!
(Come on Dave, gimme a break)
Hey hey hey hey! One break, comin' up on the right in 300 yards!
posted by not_on_display at 9:47 AM on August 26, 2009

Gawd, lahve a dahck! Awl vat palahver jahst to be tawld I'm boracic?
posted by ob at 10:02 AM on August 26, 2009

Every step of the way we walk the line
The exit’s are numbered, you want nine
Time is pilin' up, we struggle and we scrape
You're all boxed in, no lane to escape

Traffic's just a jungle, more games to play
Trapped in the heart of it, trying to get away
Got a home in the country, you’ve been workin' in the town
You’ve been in trouble ever since you set your suitcase down

Got nothing for you, I had nothing before
Gridlock in August kicks in around 4
Sky full of exhaust, pain pourin' down
Nowhere I can route you, I'll see you around

All my powers of expression and maps so sublime
Could never give you detours in reason or rhyme
Only one thing you did wrong
Stayed at work on Friday an hour too long
posted by allen.spaulding at 11:33 AM on August 26, 2009

Trufax: 'berk' isn't allowed in UK TV advertising, as it's a shortened version of Berkley Hunt, which is slang for...and you get the idea.

Hey neat. So that's where "berk" from Planescape: Torment comes from.
posted by juv3nal at 11:43 AM on August 26, 2009

I find it quite hilarious that 'berk' is in a Planescape: Torment glossary. Should we put 'demon', 'jester' and other really simple words that are not really common in standard speech on it? Berk is just a common word here in the UK. Never occured to me that someone'd not know what it meant.
posted by Dysk at 12:58 PM on August 26, 2009

Don't slurry your arvo hen-house, my chipotle burrito.
posted by boo_radley at 1:08 PM on August 26, 2009

This thread is a right load of old pony.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:14 PM on August 26, 2009

the wiki article on rhyming slang says other languages do it, too, but doesn't give any examples-- anybody know of rhyming slang for other languages?
posted by empath at 1:36 PM on August 26, 2009

This thread is a right load of old pony.
Totally Danny*; 'av 'it; oi no; wankaaaaah. Bunch of Immanuels.**
*Dyer/dire. Not slang; he had to adopt the name under truth in advertising laws. **Kant
They make it up as they go along, I reckon. I certainly just did.
posted by Abiezer at 1:47 PM on August 26, 2009

DreamerFi: He "suspected a hoax" but typed his pin anyway. Fuck, I know customers can be stupid cunts, but banks pulling stupid pranks like this are not exactly going to improve the situation much, right?

This is true.

Everyone should know this important safety tip: if your ATM (or any other electronic appliance) begins speaking to you with a cockney accent, it's probably about to rob you. Or at the very least drag you from pub to pub all night drinking entirely too much and forcing you to listen to Lonnie Donegan and Sham 69.
posted by koeselitz at 2:20 PM on August 26, 2009

Am I the only one getting a 404 right now?
posted by gyc at 3:08 PM on August 26, 2009

I was always sort of amazed and mortified that the WaMu ATMs used colloquial English ("nope", etc): I've spent enough time interacting with machines in a language I'm barely getting by in to think that anything less than the most formal language is going to cause a headache for someone. Bocca di lupo, what the fuck?
posted by Ogre Lawless at 11:59 AM on August 27, 2009