... and then she kissed him
November 23, 2009 10:21 AM   Subscribe

This AskMe question had all the hallmarks of a frustrating unresolved drama in-the-making ... but it's suddenly got a happy ending!
posted by bonaldi to MetaFilter-Related at 10:21 AM (149 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

How about that! Good for them.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:28 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


"I can not believe you made me go through all this. What took you so long?"

Girls are so weird.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 10:30 AM on November 23, 2009 [13 favorites]


I love that thread. Like the "I'm locked in this room, how do I get out?" thread, it played out in real time and once again showed how Mefi works for real people in real situations. Yay!
posted by misha at 10:30 AM on November 23, 2009


Woah, I did not see that one coming at all. I didn't answer that one, but I have a friend who met his (probably) future wife via Craigslist. Not in the personals, in the rooms/shares section. He moved into the spare room in her apartment, the rest is history.
posted by kathrineg at 10:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


HOLY CRAP! That actually worked??? Well, I'll be!
posted by Greg Nog at 10:34 AM on November 23, 2009


seriously Matt, you have got to start selling movie rights.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:35 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


That thread was so dramatic, I was pulling my hair out damn near the whole time. I am really happy it worked out alright though. Wow talk about an emotional rollercoaster to the distress of someone else, woah.
posted by Carillon at 10:35 AM on November 23, 2009


"I can not believe you made me go through all this. What took you so long?"

Girls are so weird.

You meant to write "hamburger" there, right? Because from her point of view the guy has been acting like a maniac for the last couple of days, no?
posted by jokeefe at 10:35 AM on November 23, 2009 [16 favorites]

"I can not believe you made me go through all this. What took you so long?"
Girls are so weird.

No kidding. What took her so long?
posted by dersins at 10:36 AM on November 23, 2009


She's snuggled up beside me on the couch as I type this.

get off the internet, you clod.
posted by boo_radley at 10:37 AM on November 23, 2009 [58 favorites]


Don't knock her. She just accepted this man after he dodged her physical advance, a crime some would consider unforgivable.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:37 AM on November 23, 2009 [14 favorites]


Wonderful. I love love.
posted by Chad Sexington at 10:42 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


apparently.
posted by gman at 10:43 AM on November 23, 2009


really apparently.
posted by gman at 10:46 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Do I have to turn in my Angry Feminist card if I am totally flattered by Chad Sexington?
posted by muddgirl at 10:47 AM on November 23, 2009


I love that thread. Like the "I'm locked in this room, how do I get out?" thread, it played out in real time and once again showed how Mefi works for real people in real situations.

The locked-in-my-room thread is exactly what I thought of, too. But not in a good way.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:50 AM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


This seems sweet right now, and I hope it really is and that it continues to be, but many of the perils that people mentioned in thread are still there, and the possibility that the woman is making her moves based on fear, self-preservation and a desperation to retain the safety of her protector, are such that I am still left feeling a bit uneasy.

Here's hoping that I'm plate of beansing this.
posted by dirtdirt at 10:50 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Usually relationships that start with a 'happy ending' are more commercial in nature, I am led to believe.
posted by Brockles at 10:53 AM on November 23, 2009



Do I have to turn in my Angry Feminist card if I am totally flattered by Chad Sexington?


nah, and I love that the only non-romantic contact he has is jessamyn.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:54 AM on November 23, 2009


I too am locked in a room.

A room...of love.
posted by Jofus at 10:54 AM on November 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


Maybe this is the place to bring it up: I am locked in my room with a Chinese exchange student ...
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:55 AM on November 23, 2009


jokeefe: "You meant to write "hamburger" there, right? Because from her point of view the guy has been acting like a maniac for the last couple of days, no?"

Let's not go crazy here. Girls are so weird. SeizeTheDay just felt it was unnecessary to point out that guys are also so weird. No hamburgers necessary, love makes everyone weird.
posted by Plutor at 10:55 AM on November 23, 2009


boo_radley: She's snuggled up beside me on the couch as I type this.

get off the internet, you clod


Seriously, for the entirety of that thread I kept going 'What? She's in her room right now crying and you're on the internet getting advice? Are you the dumbest shittiest dumbshit that ever shitted some dumb?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:59 AM on November 23, 2009 [17 favorites]


Love makes people weird, yes, but as I'm currently finding out, only pregnancy makes you CRAZIER THAN A BAG OF SPARROWS.
posted by Jofus at 11:01 AM on November 23, 2009 [7 favorites]


Are you the dumbest shittiest dumbshit that ever shitted some dumb?

Dude is clearly out of his depth, but that's why he asked metafilter! My favorite "I'm not sure what to do here" thing in that thread is his reference to "females" over and over again, which led me to read all his responses in Morbo's voice.

HUMAN FEMALE IS IN HER ROOM WITH LEAKING EYES. WHAT FLOWER MUST MORBO KILL AND BRING TO HER IN ORDER TO MAKE HUMAN FEMALE EYES STOP LEAKING.
posted by Greg Nog at 11:04 AM on November 23, 2009 [323 favorites]


So how do these Chinese exchange student things work out in the long run if the relationship does progress? Is this doomed to end because of visa problems, or is there potential?
posted by crapmatic at 11:07 AM on November 23, 2009


shakespeherian: Seriously, for the entirety of that thread I kept going 'What? She's in her room right now crying and you're on the internet getting advice? Are you the dumbest shittiest dumbshit that ever shitted some dumb?

No need to call the guy names. I've certainly done my share of profoundly dumbheaded things when in love and I fully expect to find new ways to make a mess of things in the future.
posted by Kattullus at 11:07 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


HOly fucking crap?! I would have sworn that would end horribly, so glad to be wrong!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:13 AM on November 23, 2009


Romance is bumbling that ends in sex. It's the only bumbling we do which has such a pleasant outcome.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:14 AM on November 23, 2009 [17 favorites]


Astro Zombie: Romance is bumbling that ends in sex. It's the only bumbling we do which has such a pleasant outcome.

Sure, everybody loves the bumblebee, but have you ever bumblebeen?
posted by Kattullus at 11:21 AM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


SeizeTheDay: “Girls are so weird.”

jokeefe: “You meant to write "hamburger" there, right? Because from her point of view the guy has been acting like a maniac for the last couple of days, no?”

Well, no. Girls are weird. SeizeTheDay and I are in total agreement on this, as are scores upon scores of us boys. And as this is a subject which we find intriguing and engrossing, we have decided amongst ourselves that we will henceforth be devoting a healthy chunk of our time and energy to trying to figure out what exactly is going on with girls.

It's sort of hard to determine this from our safe vantage point up here in the tree fort, but it appears from our position that the girls think the same thing, having concluded that boys are strange, confusing, difficult to predict, and often quite unsanitary. And it seems that a lot of the girls have decided likewise to study the matter of boys further in the hope of finding a solution to this riddle.

So the struggle continues. Thankfully, I don't think our sensation over here that you girls are weird and don't make sense to us stops us boys from treating you fairly and decently as our equals. Heck, maybe creating an environment where boys and girls are equals on a level playing field is the only way I'll ever complete my grand unified theory of girl weirdness anyhow.

This was a great thread to read; can't believe I missed it the first time around. Thanks, bonaldi!
posted by koeselitz at 11:21 AM on November 23, 2009 [7 favorites]


Kattullus: No need to call the guy names. I've certainly done my share of profoundly dumbheaded things when in love and I fully expect to find new ways to make a mess of things in the future.

I am merely eloquently expressing my extreme frustration with the OP's approach of 'Human interaction is confusing! I must to the computer.'
posted by shakespeherian at 11:24 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Just one day later? I would hardly call that a 'happy ending.'
posted by infinitefloatingbrains at 11:29 AM on November 23, 2009


I am merely eloquently expressing my extreme frustration with the OP's approach of 'Human interaction is confusing! I must to the computer.'

well crap. i recall an askme a few years ago that was something like 'what should i do with the live rat in my toilet?' posting a question on askme wouldn't have been my first reaction to that delemma.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 11:30 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Except that this question demonstrates that "boys and girls" are exactly the same, save that the girl in question called her mother, while the boy in question turned to someone who, in retrospect, didn't have a very good view of the situation and gave some mediocre advice. That's right, fellas, I'm talkin' bout the Internet.
posted by muddgirl at 11:31 AM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


shakespeherian: I am merely eloquently expressing my extreme frustration with the OP's approach of 'Human interaction is confusing! I must to the computer.'

Fair enough, shakespeherian. Though I wish I could say that the dumbest shittiest dumbshit I ever shitdumbed was seeking advice from internet people at the wrong moment. Hormones are a hell of a drug.
posted by Kattullus at 11:34 AM on November 23, 2009


i recall an askme a few years ago that was something like 'what should i do with the live rat in my toilet?' posting a question on askme wouldn't have been my first reaction to that delemma.

Link?
posted by andoatnp at 11:37 AM on November 23, 2009


That Ask thread also has the best typo ever in it:

My advice would be not to find out by kissing her, but maybe by seeing how she reacts if you try to take her hard.
posted by coppermoss at 11:39 AM on November 23, 2009 [61 favorites]


the sound you hear from over in my corner is the sound of me starting to realize that "huh, maybe this means something COULD potentially go down with my incredibly gorgeous new roommate after all."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:39 AM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


PUT IT IN HIM, EMPRESS
posted by Greg Nog at 11:42 AM on November 23, 2009 [11 favorites]


here ya go
posted by lester's sock puppet at 11:43 AM on November 23, 2009


That thread officially confirmed my suspicion that everything I've been told about men, their feelings and their responses to others' feelings is completely unreliable.
posted by katillathehun at 11:46 AM on November 23, 2009


Just one day later? I would hardly call that a 'happy ending.'

I think any use of the phrase happy ending here is either premature or presumptive. What they did when he finally closed AskMe is their business.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:47 AM on November 23, 2009


It's sure starting to look like I'm just a huge ol' crankypants today, because I just remembered that my OTHER reaction to that thread was that I decided far, far, far too many people answer every tentativerelationshipfilter-type question with 'Just kiss him/her! What could go wrong?!' and that makes me wonder.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:49 AM on November 23, 2009


That thread officially confirmed my suspicion that everything I've been told about men, their feelings and their responses to others' feelings is completely unreliable.

You're in luck! There was another thread a couple of days ago that was chock-full of true facts about men. You should check it out.
posted by bondcliff at 11:49 AM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


I've been peeing in the sink ever since reading that thread, and it's made me realize two things:

1. It's fun!
2. I need to do my dishes more often!
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:51 AM on November 23, 2009 [9 favorites]


Looks like a 2birds 1stone situation, Astro Zombie.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:54 AM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


PUT IT IN HIM, EMPRESS

Nah, a little too Type-A for me to get seriously involved with.


Although way pretty.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:00 PM on November 23, 2009


God, that thread is so sweet.

I must say that, based on my own personal experience, women from more traditional cultures (in this case China) don't really do the "let's be friends" thing. Based on what the OP said, right off the bat she was sending him pretty unequivocal signals.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:01 PM on November 23, 2009


Metafilter: our safe vantage point up here in the tree fort
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 12:05 PM on November 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


OK, so the whole peeing in sinks thing: that's really real? People actually do that? The whole concept is... incredibly unbelievable to me. I guess I'm not manly man enough. But then, I also always put down the toilet cover before I flush so the splash doesn't get all over the bathroom, so I'm probably just a big ol' germophobe.
posted by kmz at 12:09 PM on November 23, 2009


I first encountered sink-peeing when visiting my sister in college; we went to a bar (which was just loads of fun for me since I was underage) and once the place filled up there was a permanent line outside the men's room. Which meant that efficiency was important. Which meant that if you went in as another guy came out, and you found the toilet occupied, and you didn't immediately start pissing in the sink instead, you got weird looks.

A guy pissing in a toilet stared at you for not peeing in a sink, because that was odd.

I pretty much avoid peeing-in-sinks situations in my daily life whenever possible, but that was the day that it occurred to me that a sink-pissing was in fact out there, in the wild, as a pragmatic solution to certain infrastructural problems.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:18 PM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


Are you the dumbest shittiest dumbshit that ever shitted some dumb?
posted by shakespeherian


No, no, no, no NO! You are doing it ALL WRONG!

*ahem*

Shall I compare thee to a shitty dumb?
Thou art more dumbshit and more shittyshit:
Rough dumbs do shit the dumbing shits of dumb,
And summer's lease hath all too shit a dumb:
Sometime too dumb the eye of heaven shits,
And often is his gold complexion dumm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal shitness shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that dumb thou ownest;
Nor shall Dumb brag thou wander'st in his shit,
When in eternal shit to dumb thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives shit and this gives dumb to thee.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:18 PM on November 23, 2009 [34 favorites]


my advice would be not to find out by kissing her, but maybe by seeing how she reacts if you try to take her hard.

This is not funny. I am not laughing. These stifled noises and tears are the result of a stubbed toe, nothing else. I don't care that it looks like I'm laughing, I'm not.

But wow. Amazing how one misplaced letter can really, really alter both the commenter's intent and... um... civilization's idea of good taste.

So much awesome dissonance in such a short space.
posted by quin at 12:25 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


UbuRoivas: No, no, no, no NO! You are doing it ALL WRONG!

That would have made sense if my username were shakespearian.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:30 PM on November 23, 2009


If I'm lucky enough to have a sink in an overpriced European hotel room, that's where the pee goes.
posted by gman at 12:34 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


You have your dumbambic shitantameter all messed up.
posted by found missing at 12:34 PM on November 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


HUMAN FEMALE IS IN HER ROOM WITH LEAKING EYES. WHAT FLOWER MUST MORBO KILL AND BRING TO HER IN ORDER TO MAKE HUMAN FEMALE EYES STOP LEAKING.

> Offer human female carnations.

% You have been eaten by a female grue.

posted by inigo2 at 12:37 PM on November 23, 2009 [7 favorites]


I think any use of the phrase happy ending here is either premature or presumptive.

I think that the use of the phrase happy ending here just broke my unintentional irony detector.
posted by googly at 12:47 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


And here I was all morning, cursing the fact that I have to go meet my goddamn wife at goddamn Ikea, my fucking least favorite place on this whole fucked planet, all because my fucking wife had this big fucking idea to remodel our house, right now of all times with all these fucking deadlines at work and a fucking screaming kid in my fucking lap, and now I have to spend my whole fucking Thanksgiving weekend putting together motherfucking Ikea furniture because *she* doesn't know how to operate a fucking Allen wrench, all so *her* fucking family has a place to stay at my fucking house and drink all my goddamn beer over Christmas.

And now, I'm just so happy I share such a wonderful home with my lovely wife and beautiful son. Ain't love just grand?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:48 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Yes, this is what a happy marriage is like.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:58 PM on November 23, 2009


It's been what, 2 hours?
posted by Burhanistan at 1:01 PM on November 23, 2009


1. I really, really enjoy assembling Ikea furniture. I take an entirely unhealthy amount of pleasure, in fact, in following any sort of set of instructions that asks me to put something together. So if you can bring that stuff to Colorado, I'll happily put it together for you, Slarty.

2. Hide zeh beer. Best place is in the crisper under some radishes; nobody eats radishes anyway, and if they did why would they be looking for them in the crisper? Alternatively, open beers and put them all in an empty milk carton, because nobody will drink milk that looks like beer.
posted by koeselitz at 1:05 PM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Just thought I'd sneak in here and let you guys know that this has happened before..to me! We're expecting our first baby in a few months.

That said, even I was a little concerned about this particular question, because of the whole ethical side... but hey. This is proof that nothing is impossible, right?
posted by sunshinesky at 1:05 PM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


I have to spend my whole fucking Thanksgiving weekend putting together motherfucking Ikea furniture because *she* doesn't know how to operate a fucking Allen wrench

Seriously... I've been wondering- what is it that everyone seems to find so difficult about Ikea furniture? My husband and I had no problems putting 6 pieces of furniture together after an otherwise torturously long day, within 2 hours of getting home with them. And I'm monstrously pregnant! I suspect that it's people who don't like following instructions, despite the fact that they're some of the easiest instructions in the world. Right there, in a picture!
posted by sunshinesky at 1:09 PM on November 23, 2009


sunshinesky: Just thought I'd sneak in here and let you guys know that this has happened before..to me!

Oh gosh! What is about these questions that slip out the Freudian in people:

"He treats me with much more respect than my boyfriend ever did, and seems to not care what he's dong, so long as he's with me."
posted by Kattullus at 1:10 PM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Eh, I didn't find this sweet. But I am a loveless curmudgeon, so.
posted by yarly at 1:47 PM on November 23, 2009


I've been saying it for years:

Attention humans and those who wish to deal with them: People are strange. Relationships can be confusing. Please visit the human relations section of Ask Metafilter for clarification.

God, I wish this had been around when I was growing up.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 1:47 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Why not hide the beer in the empty Ikea packaging?

Nobody's gonna go poking around in a box labelled 'Grøgg'.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:47 PM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


On (lack of) preview, "clarification" is definitely not the right word choice, there.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 1:47 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Seriously... I've been wondering- what is it that everyone seems to find so difficult about Ikea furniture?

I put an Ikea bookshelf together myself and it was fairly easy and looks good and is quite functional provided you like bookshelves where all the books fall out all the time into a big messy pile on the floor.

...

*looks at bookshelf again*

...

*references instructions*

...

*rotates instructions 180 degrees*

...

*turns bookshelf right way up*
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:22 PM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]


In my fantasy world, whenever I go past a construction site and there are a bunch of dudes in hard hats standing around the bonnet of a Hilux, poring over a blueprint, I like to imagine one of them is a foreman and in a matter of seconds he is going to bellow at them "NO NO NO YOU'VE DONE THE WHOLE THING BACKWARDS!"
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:24 PM on November 23, 2009 [4 favorites]


*turns bookshelf right way up*

What kind of crazy bookshelf doesn't work upside down? I mean, it might look ugly or be sorta lopsided, but wouldn't you still be able to use it?
posted by kmz at 2:29 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Jesus Christ people, this isn't a happy ending. This is an idiotic ramping up of the amount of drama that is virtually inevitable. This is a disaster waiting to happen, and this just made it all the worse when it does happen.
posted by Justinian at 2:31 PM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


Also: Relationship drama questions on AskMe are stupid because dummies in the grip of drama hormones don't care what you tell them. They are going to do what they want to do no matter what. It's like if somebody posted "Hey, I'm thinking about sticking a fork in this toaster because it seems like it would be fun. Should I?" and everybody on the planet is like "HOLY GOD NO DONT STICK THE FORK IN THE TOASTER YOULL ELECTROCUTE YOURSELF". Except instead of saying "Hey, thanks for saving me!" they're always all "You dont know what love is!!! IM GOING FOR IT".

And then they're never heard from again.

Fucking drama questions.
posted by Justinian at 2:34 PM on November 23, 2009 [17 favorites]


That should be: "an happy ending."

Wait, no it shouldn't.
posted by Eideteker at 2:53 PM on November 23, 2009


It's only "an" happy ending if you talk like Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins.
posted by Justinian at 2:55 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Then it's an appy ending, me lovely.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:56 PM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Oh gosh! What is about these questions that slip out the Freudian in people:

"He treats me with much more respect than my boyfriend ever did, and seems to not care what he's dong, so long as he's with me."


hahaha, I totally hadn't caught that. Thanks for that.
posted by sunshinesky at 3:14 PM on November 23, 2009


I made an Ikea bed at my sister's place once, with her help, when we were both cranky and somewhat annoyed. Stupid fake "wrenches" that make you feel like you're using real tools. After the whole fucking thing was put together we had parts left over (I am aware that this is a bad sign). We drew a face on one of those parts and now we take turns hiding it at each other's houses when we go to visit. That, and the fact that I don't have to sleep on an air mattress are the only things I like about the damned thing.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:32 PM on November 23, 2009 [9 favorites]


It's sort of hard to determine this from our safe vantage point up here in the tree fort, but it appears from our position that the girls think the same thing, having concluded that boys are strange, confusing, difficult to predict, and often quite unsanitary. And it seems that a lot of the girls have decided likewise to study the matter of boys further in the hope of finding a solution to this riddle.

*large, nay gigantic, eye roll*
posted by jokeefe at 3:52 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Just one day later? I would hardly call that a 'happy ending.'

One of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned is that happy endings depend on where you end the story. In real life, the percentage of marriages that end in death or divorce is one hundred.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:55 PM on November 23, 2009 [11 favorites]


And here I was all morning, cursing the fact that I have to go meet my goddamn wife at goddamn Ikea, my fucking least favorite place on this whole fucked planet, all because my fucking wife had this big fucking idea to remodel our house, right now of all times with all these fucking deadlines at work and a fucking screaming kid in my fucking lap, and now I have to spend my whole fucking Thanksgiving weekend putting together motherfucking Ikea furniture because *she* doesn't know how to operate a fucking Allen wrench, all so *her* fucking family has a place to stay at my fucking house and drink all my goddamn beer over Christmas.

And now, I'm just so happy I share such a wonderful home with my lovely wife and beautiful son. Ain't love just grand?


I enjoyed reading this rant on this, the day of my 7th wedding anniversary.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 4:17 PM on November 23, 2009


I put an entire L-shaped sectional Ikea couch together by myself and felt kind of badass about that.

I also like my collection of allen wrenches. They aren't fake tools, they're just not perfect for every job. The real problem there as far as Ikea furniture is when there's not enough clearance to actually swing the wrench 360 degrees, so you have to keep doing half turns and resetting the wrench.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:22 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


koeselitz: "1. I really, really enjoy assembling Ikea furniture. I take an entirely unhealthy amount of pleasure, in fact, in following any sort of set of instructions that asks me to put something together. So if you can bring that stuff to Colorado, I'll happily put it together for you, Slarty."

I also really, really enjoy assembling Ikea furniture, Slarty, and I live in the same county as you! Just bring it on up here and I'll put it together. Admittedly it won't fit out my door and you'll have to disassemble it to get it home, but I'm sure you can figure that out.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:41 PM on November 23, 2009


Re Ikea: Sheeeeit

I swear I'm off the stuff now...I was young, the townhouse was empty...
posted by Burhanistan at 4:43 PM on November 23, 2009


I positively delight in assembling Ikea furniture. I think it's all that Lego building as a kid.

Shopping not so much.
posted by cj_ at 4:46 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh and my least favorite thing about Ikea furniture is when it reaches that age where all the little plastic doohickeys that fit into slots and hold the whole thing together simultaneously give out, causing the entire bed/bookshelf/whatever to collapse into a sad pile of boards. I dunno if this is just my experience, but it seems like they are engineered to fail all at once around the two-year mark. The latest casualty was my bookshelf. The very top shelf fell straight down and the force took down the one below it in succession to the bottom. It was spectacular.
posted by cj_ at 4:55 PM on November 23, 2009


There are three secrets to assembling Ikea furniture.

One is the hex key set: No more six-hour dents in your fingertips from trying to get some torque on the last few turns with an allen wrench. With this tool, you'll get some much-needed leverage.

The second is a cordless electric drill with a reversible phillips/slot driver bit. No, those little locking joints aren't difficult to turn by hand, but you usually have to do so damn many of them that the drill makes things go a LOT faster.

And the last thing is this little staple/brad gun. One thing the Ikea instructions don't tell you until the very last page is that you're going to have to tap 48 tiny little brads into the furniture's backing. Trust me, you want this brad gun.
posted by mudpuppie at 5:01 PM on November 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


I also like my collection of allen wrenches. They aren't fake tools, they're just not perfect for every job. The real problem there as far as Ikea furniture is when there's not enough clearance to actually swing the wrench 360 degrees, so you have to keep doing half turns and resetting the wrench.

No, the real problem is that they give you bolts at all. Any proper furniture kit should consist of nothing more than a blueprint, a hatchet, and a map of local iron-ore deposits. Anything else is just a glorified erector set.
posted by Commander Rachek at 5:03 PM on November 23, 2009 [7 favorites]


I find it hilarious that I come into this thread, and the bottom post is about furniture... what happened? :laugh:
posted by biochemist at 5:06 PM on November 23, 2009


First time in MeTa, eh?
posted by joedan at 5:24 PM on November 23, 2009


Ok, made it back from Ikea. I have achieved EXPEDITE. I also have LACK.

The problem with Ikea is that you never go there for just one shelf. I'll pay twice as much here in town if that's all I need. No, you only go there if you've got a new apartment or house or, in this case, an entire floor of your house that needs furnishing. So you spend 45 minutes driving the most congested freeways in the region to get some to god-forsaken suburb (no offense to the good people of Renton, Washington), fight the crowds of college students, newlywed couples, and snot-nosed kits with Swedish meatball sauce on their faces, all so you can drop a grand on some crappy 50 pound boxes that you try desperately to tie to the roof of your car in the rain, because god help me, there's no fucking way I'm making another trip down here, all the while quietly murmuring your mantra: "Must not get a divorce, must not get a divorce..." Then you spend every waking non-work hour twisting Allen wrenches.

Oh that sound? Yes, that's my wife downstairs putting together all the furniture now while I'm ranting on Metafilter. And *that's* what I call a happy ending.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:30 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Blueprints, hatchets & maps are for city boys. In this neck of the woods, we just sit on boulders. Sometimes with bear carcasses for cushions, but only for the females.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:31 PM on November 23, 2009


Allen wrench? As a bike guy I have the world's largest collection of allen wrenches and when we assemble Ikea furniture I end up using each one. I usually use a socket wrench with an allen head bit and an extension. Sometimes it's the T-handle, or maybe the Bondhus with the ball tip that lets you drive at odd angles. Mmmm, tools.
posted by fixedgear at 5:42 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Also, Happy Ending. Happy Ending!
posted by fixedgear at 5:44 PM on November 23, 2009


I'll pay twice as much here in town if that's all I need.

So it's only $10 at Ikea?
posted by inigo2 at 5:58 PM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Yeah, because at Ikea it's DIY.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:00 PM on November 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Slarty, I'm guessing you don't like Disneyland either. ;)
posted by water bear at 6:00 PM on November 23, 2009


In New Jersey, they have a goddamn Swedish Parade.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTJEtMSuMqg
posted by FritoKAL at 6:14 PM on November 23, 2009


If you really want to turbocharge IKEA assembly, you need a cordless impact driver with a hex bit. Obviously, with soft pine and pressboard, an impact can cause things to go wrong quite quickly, but as long as you are careful you can get a lot done fast. A socket wrench with a hex bit will let you reach those annoying places and adding a cordless drill with a Phillips bit saves you the hassle of changing bits and is a lot safer than using a Phillips bit in an impact.
posted by ssg at 6:49 PM on November 23, 2009


Wussies. Use the supplied wrench and your hands for that stuff.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:54 PM on November 23, 2009


Wussies?

Flagged for sexism.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:02 PM on November 23, 2009


Yeah, I just hammer screws in with my fists.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:22 PM on November 23, 2009


This thread makes me so glad I swore off dating and took up furniture assembly. My Ikea bookshelves are in their eighth or ninth year and are [knock wood] doing fine although the one with most of the LPs is getting a little . . . bulgy in the back. But then, aren't we all?
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:46 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


One thing the Ikea instructions don't tell you until the very last page is that you're going to have to tap 48 tiny little brads into the furniture's backing.

That's my favorite part. It's like the icing on the icing.
posted by zennie at 7:55 PM on November 23, 2009


Yay happy ending! So does this mean that if I post an angsty AskMe about my potential, maybe, hope-he-gets-his-shit-together guy I might get a happy ending too? Cause I'd sure like to have a Happy Ending soon...it's been a while.
posted by MultiFaceted at 8:04 PM on November 23, 2009


Ask Metafilter: Helping awkward people have sex since 2003.
posted by ludwig_van at 8:08 PM on November 23, 2009 [10 favorites]


One thing the Ikea instructions don't tell you until the very last page is that you're going to have to tap 48 tiny little brads into the furniture's backing.

I like to think that whomever it was that came up with the idea for load bearing cardboard is, at once, both a genius and history's worst monster.
posted by quin at 8:54 PM on November 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


I also have LACK.

That's deep.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:57 PM on November 23, 2009


I like to think that whomever it was that came up with the idea for load bearing cardboard is, at once, both a genius and history's worst monster.

The cardboard backing really doesn't bear any load, it just cuts down on packing weight and expense and also keeps the horizontal and vertical pieces from all pancaking. The actual loads are distributed by the solid members.

With a small hammer, you should be able to karate smash all of those little brads into the backing in a one-two whack (first is for placement, second is for insertion).
posted by Burhanistan at 9:56 PM on November 23, 2009


If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every Ikea kit as a problem.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:04 PM on November 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


I was trying to figure out why that thread didn't totally sit well with me but dirtdirt figured it out better:

This seems sweet right now, and I hope it really is and that it continues to be, but many of the perils that people mentioned in thread are still there, and the possibility that the woman is making her moves based on fear, self-preservation and a desperation to retain the safety of her protector, are such that I am still left feeling a bit uneasy.

Also: "NO NO NO YOU'VE DONE THE WHOLE THING BACKWARDS!"

One of the places I work has a big building that was put in backwards. I saw the plans before it was put up, it really is the wrong way round. So don't know how someone didn't notice that one.
posted by shelleycat at 10:43 PM on November 23, 2009


possibility that the woman is making her moves based on fear, self-preservation and a desperation to retain the safety of her protector, are such that I am still left feeling a bit uneasy.

Eh maybe, maybe not. No sense being all cynical about it. Seems like in the universe of AskMe RelationshipFilter, people have this ideal that every coupling has to live up to to be viable, but my experience is the real world just doesn't work that way (unless you want to be single forever). Sounds like they are both happy right now, which is the ideal I've always shot for. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it ends in tears. Such as life.
posted by cj_ at 11:29 PM on November 23, 2009 [5 favorites]


Happy today, yes, but wait till tomorrow when he forgets to put the toilet seat down.
posted by Rumple at 12:44 AM on November 24, 2009


This thread made me sad because it reminded me about the hex key set that my father gave me the set before I set off for my second year of college. It was a bunch fastened to a ring, ranging from big to very small. Quite useful for dorm lofting; I got to know my fellow housemates quickly for it. Unfortunately they somehow got into my bags that I'd packed for the winter holidays and TSA took them.

I'd taken the train so there was no one to pass them to. I asked what'd happen to them and TSA said something like "they'll be destroyed." Okay. Yes. Since I hadn't much experience with this sort of thing, I kind of shrugged it off. It was a defensive reaction, since I didn't want to stir up trouble or anything. Airport security is something I try to screen out of my mind. Long lines, no shoes. Very uncomfortable.

By the time I was on the plane it kind of hit me hard. I spent about an hour wondering if there was something more I could do and why the heck were hex keys such a security risk and would my dad ask about them (he didn't, I didn't tell him anything). Oh, I was harrowed for a little while before I realized that the seats had hex screws all over. "Oh, what, I can undo a screw, yes, this is terrible!" Perhaps it was terrible, perhaps there is some sensitive airplane panel that is kept on by hex screws. But I could only focus on the seats. Did they take them away because of the screws in the seats? I didn't really have any faith in the TSA up until then, but this event cemented in me the notion that things were a bit out of hand.

Eh... okay, this is a long comment. I guess I had to get that off my chest. Ikea furniture is okay, but... on preview, there are now more than two posts between mine and anything to do with tools so now I feel awkward. Oh. but. cannot. waste. this...
posted by Mister Cheese at 12:57 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


Astro Zombie: “I've been peeing in the sink ever since reading that thread, and it's made me realize two things:

1. It's fun!
2. I need to do my dishes more often!”

3. Not anymore!
posted by koeselitz at 1:29 AM on November 24, 2009


First love and Ikea in one thread...

I LOVE METAFILTER!!!
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:06 AM on November 24, 2009


I also adore putting together IKEA furniture. Sadly I'm trying to keep myself portable these days, so I have very little furniture at all.

Anyone in my jurisdiction need help assembling furniture? I have my own set of allen wrenches. And a single roommate. Wait, what?
posted by nat at 2:18 AM on November 24, 2009


Okay, I came to the thread late, hindsight is 20/20, and given similar RL circumstances I would likely have bungled this worse than the OP... but to me, that question epitomized the raw ideal of "overthinking a plate of beans."

There was a lot of talk in the thread about "potential cross-cultural miscommunication", but the problem turned out to be that they were communicating in the most inefficient manner possible, using symbols rather than plain English.

The OP has basically been acting as his roommate's "life coach" since they first began living together, helping her navigate American institutions; would he have been able to stand that amount of dependence in the absence of romantic affection? Would the roommate's mother offer a month-long tour de Chine to her daughter's roommate, if there wasn't a good chance that he'd become something more?

The plain-English solution perhaps would not be indicated if this was a situation involving two individuals raised in American (or at least Western) culture. There, perhaps the symbols would have sufficed.

But imagine what might have happened if the OP had simply taken her out to dinner (perhaps one of the more universal symbols), and after it was over related his romantic hopes to her, along with his fears and worries:

Told her that (1) he really likes her, but (2) he wants things to move further only if she feels that it's the right thing to do, and not necessarily the easiest or most convenient, and that (3) either way, he'd still be there to help her stand on her own two feet.

If the OP reads this, I have one more piece of advice, one that pretty much everyone will give you:

Keep talking, in between the kisses. A kiss might be able to express things that words cannot, but English is still the best language you have. You've already exposed your heart to her, with all of your fears and worries and awkwardness, by virtue of showing her that thread... so don't stop now. A relationship born in such turmoil needs as much honesty as possible.
posted by The Confessor at 2:31 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


I can't stop smiling, and this thread is making me laugh like crazy.

Oh, also? I have advice for early is-this-a-date? relationships: When you make plans to meet somewhere, say whether it's, X-time am or pm, if it's not totally obvious (most people aren't meeting at a cafe at 4 am, for example).

My first is-this-a-date? with my now-husband saw me showing up at 11 am and him showing up at 11 pm at the same pub, and both of us convinced we had been stood up - until a mutual friend straightened things out a week later.
posted by taz at 5:38 AM on November 24, 2009 [6 favorites]


Cross- cultural relationships are incredibly tough and exponentially so when there is any kind of language barrier. In this case the two people have already shown difficulty in communicating, so I'm thinking it is a little too early to claim a happy ending. Our modern society likes to think that "love conquers all" but love and attraction are only the beginning. For two people to stay bonded there has to be mutual respect, common goals, the ability to overlook flaws, and true friendship.

Mutual respect is also good when you are putting Ikea furniture together. The ability to refrain from cussing the other person out when something has gone terribly wrong is a valuable skill. One person in our house likes to follow directions methodically and carefully. The other person likes to do things "intuitively." No matter what happens we never give in to calling the other person a big stupid jerk, because we know that big stupid jerk is going to be eating dinner with us, watching a movie with us, and sleeping with us, tonight, tomorrow and the next day until death us do part. Instead, we lightly laugh and say, "hmmm something seems not quite right. I wonder how that happened?"
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:28 AM on November 24, 2009


This was a perfect little story. Almost too perfect...
posted by grouse at 6:34 AM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


No sense being all cynical about it.

Wow. I don't think what I said is cynical at all. And honestly, I am surprised that the 'cynical' take is not (seemingly) very widely held in here. The power dynamic in the relationship is HUGELY titled toward the guy, and yeah, maybe true love is blooming in there but we will never really know, because the guy put the girl in a position (contrary to most in-thread advice) where she had no other move to make that would (essentially) leave her with a home.
posted by dirtdirt at 6:47 AM on November 24, 2009


And honestly, I am surprised that the 'cynical' take is not (seemingly) very widely held in here.

I'm in agreement with this. It's not cynical to be all "YAY HAPPY ENDING" here when clearly things are just getting started. People are viewing an AskMe thread that tracked over a 36 hour period as being some kind of romantic fairy tale.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:55 AM on November 24, 2009


not cynical to NOT be all...

(3 minute window, please!)
posted by Burhanistan at 6:56 AM on November 24, 2009


i would have been a bit apprehensive about the relationship except that they've been living together for 14 months. i think they're got some communication already. and i don't think the balance of power is as one sided as the posts indicate. after all, the girl had the gumption to come to go abroad in the first place.

as for the difficulty in expressing things: they're in their late 20's ... they're not hormone raging kids, they're hormone raging adults. they tend to move a little slower. i think they'll be together a long time.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 7:02 AM on November 24, 2009


Taz, I love that you got to the pub at 11 AM for a date. What a gal! Oh, and your man getting there at 11 PM, also hard core!
posted by honey-barbara at 7:11 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


When putting together Ikea furniture you need to get some wood glue and glue the crap out out everything that is supposed to stay together. If you dont go through a roll of paper towels wiping excess glue off the side of your bookcase, you are doing it wrong.

Seriously, glue that sucker like your books depended on it.
posted by shothotbot at 7:21 AM on November 24, 2009


Nah, just tighten the bolts every year or so. No glue needed. Besides, gluing them precludes you from disassembling in case of moves.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:57 AM on November 24, 2009


Slarty Bartfast: I also have LACK.

Jesus, it's like an Ingmar Bergman movie in here.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:58 AM on November 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


I prefer the smaller version, the SLACK.
posted by subbes at 8:31 AM on November 24, 2009


sunshinesky, I love your follow up! I always kinda wondered how that went...for whatever record it's worth, mine ended up similarly; we just got married a couple months ago.

I totally get how the "don't mess with roommates" is super sage general advice, but I also know at least a few couples, myself and my husband included, who made it work. It's not, you know, impossible.

And also for whatever little record it's worth: some of the comments in this thread made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes. I'm so thankful for y'all, Mefi!
posted by ifjuly at 10:26 AM on November 24, 2009


Congratulations, ifjuly! We are proof that good advice, however generally applicable, is merely that- general. There are always exceptional circumstances, and I'm happy to count the beginning of my relationship among them. Can't wait to tell our daughter about it!
posted by sunshinesky at 11:42 AM on November 24, 2009


That dude is such a dumbass. Holy shit. I think it's all kinds of awesome he some how managed to end up with the girl in the end. This has all the makings of some sort of shitty movie. Relationship Ask.Mefi is so fucking good.
posted by chunking express at 12:43 PM on November 24, 2009


Such as life.

This is my new favorite eggcorn.
posted by RogerB at 1:48 PM on November 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


> And honestly, I am surprised that the 'cynical' take is not (seemingly) very widely held in here.

Did you read the original thread? Most of the (heavily favorited) advice was to not touch this with a ten foot pole, and to actually move out. Your view is indeed widely held, don't fret.

I think it's cynical to assume any relationship that is does not live up to the standards of ask mefi is not worth giving it a shot. People on AskMe love to tell the asker to DTMFA/cut off all contact/not pursue their crush/etc. Sometimes this is good advice, a lot of the time I think it's horseshit.

But that's just, like, my opinion, man. Pick your jaw up off the floor already.
posted by cj_ at 1:52 AM on November 25, 2009


(I say this as someone in a relationship going on 10 years now that, had I posed my situation to AskMe at the start, I know I would be told to not pursue. Additionally, so what if it doesn't end well? The two have zero experience. You gotta start somewhere, having it all end in tears is part of all that for normal people. Anyway, whatever, RelationShip filter annoys me, so that's probably coming out here just a bit. Sorry.)
posted by cj_ at 1:57 AM on November 25, 2009


Oh, yes. My husband and I pretty much broke every rule of AskMe relationship filter, and still happy together after 20 years. There's no template.

These guys have already been living together for 14 months, which is plenty of time for the bloom to fade from the rose if they were just really not suited for each other. In fact, they've been engaged in a romantic relationship for quite a long time... even the poster said it would be difficult to come up with a non-ambiguous romantic gesture, because they do all those things anyway. I think everyone is all awwwww because of the cinematic, but not-so-uncommon aspect of being secretly crazy about someone who is secretly crazy about you, with interesting flourishes here.

One thing I'd like to mention, for all you people who aren't sure if that fabulous he or she you've been hanging out with is into you: look out for "mirroring" (1, 2 examples) This was so astonishingly egregious when mr. taz and I were courting and sparking that it blew me away. (We still do it, but after this long, it's not surprising that we sort of move or think in-concert.) I didn't even know about this as a sociological phenomenon then, but couldn't fail to notice because it was just uncanny. Do you both happen to pick up your glass at the same time? Reach for something at the same time? Position your body the same way? Point your legs/knees toward each other? Cross your legs at the same time? etc.

There are some tutorial types of thing, I see, trying to exploit this for picking people up, I guess, but honest, subconscious, unfeigned mirroring is pretty telling. Notice.

You can also observe mirroring fail. I recently spent a couple of hours at an outdoor cafe where I was utterly (guiltily!) engrossed by this very attractive woman with a guy who was doing whatever the opposite of mirroring is... it was so screamingly obvious that I was consumed with curiosity about why he was even out with her. She was constantly shifting to line up with him, and every time she achieved mirror, he would shift in the opposite direction. It was almost unbearable to watch, yet I couldn't stop peeking - and I'm not the nosy type at all. It was just, like... if you wanted to make a video of somebody deflecting all physical cues, it couldn't possibly have been more on the nose than this.
posted by taz at 5:48 AM on November 25, 2009 [3 favorites]


Your view is indeed widely held

In the green. Over here it's the Partridge Family on ecstasy.
posted by dirtdirt at 5:51 AM on November 25, 2009


Because MetaTalk is the warm and fuzzy G-spot of mefi.
posted by taz at 8:29 AM on November 25, 2009


Usually, the g-spot is not covered with epidermal hair.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:44 AM on November 25, 2009


maybe not your G-spot. Mine has an ermine pelt.
posted by taz at 9:06 AM on November 25, 2009


You know who else had an ermine pelt?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:14 AM on November 25, 2009


Also, what was up with this: "Friend came over with two dozen red roses and a dozen daffodils of assorted colors (her favorite)." What?
posted by chunking express at 10:16 AM on November 25, 2009


He asked the friend to bring over the flowers to give to randomgradstudent so that randomgradstudent could give them to her, I gather.
posted by umbú at 1:10 PM on November 25, 2009


He asked the friend to go get the flowers so that he could stay home in case she suddenly came back.
posted by exogenous at 1:20 PM on November 25, 2009


chunking express

Eventually he (party #1) clarified that his friend (let's call him party #3) had retrieved the flowers for him (party #1) to give to the female roommate (party #2).
posted by The Confessor at 1:27 PM on November 25, 2009


> In the green. Over here ...

A helluva lot more people read and participate in "the green." Over here, you just get us people who like to argue about pointless shit. You're much more likely to find unpopular opinions here.

I have no doubt that my take on this is unpopular. Obviously either he is exploiting his position of power over the poor helpless Chinese exchange student to get sex, or she's using him for rides to the clinic. I mean DUH.
posted by cj_ at 1:53 AM on November 26, 2009


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