I think most of us have made decisions in our lives that would cause others' eyes to roll in disapproval. One cannot safely ascertain the intentions of every AskMe poster but I think it's safest and most charitable to assume a certain degree of sheepishness / humility on the part of the asker, even (or especially) in the case of someone who may come off as defensive, and if you're truly so experienced and clear-headed as to see right through their "bullshit problem" (my characterization) you should also possess the necessary social graces to provide an answer that does not serve to denigrate or humiliate them, unless your way of thinking and functioning in society is not sufficiently "advanced" to advance to others in the first place. This is a typical social etiquette issue IMHO; many of the the clearest, most powerful thinkers often lack the necessary tact and patience to advance their ideas in away that does not put off the very people they are so desperate to convince, and of course "those people" are such fools for letting their emotions get in the way of a Vulcanlike understanding of the real world as it is.posted by Catfry at 2:54 PM on August 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't think AskMe was ever intended to give exasperated, tortured geniuses an opportunity to vent their frustration with the inevitable shortcomings of every individual person, but it often seems there are too many people with a trigger-finger just dying for a shot to offer their paternal and acidic "assistance," which is always based on their own specific experience, always colored by their own personal shortcomings and frustrations.
Posters frequently make themselves vulnerable to condescending lectures but the purpose of AskMe is to provide answers and not to sufficiently punish or humiliate people for making unacceptable decisions.
I don't have anything against answering a question "outside of the box" so to speak, as the most insightful answers often do fall outside of the narrowly-defined scope of your typical question. I do take issue with any effort to make an asker feel small, stupid, foolish, etc, as if to punish them for modeling yourself at a different time, or somone else that pissed you off at some point in your very finite and short existence.
posted by aydeejones at 2:42 PM on April 13, 2009 [-] [!]
Miko and Kittens for breakfast nailed it. I had a deeply cynical attitude about love apparently, which is not surprising since I grew up watching all the nonsense that Koeselitz detailed so vividly. All our parents and their fairytale loves that went so terribly awry because they were based on this passive state of grace that mysteriously descended upon you and that made everything – the fact that you had nothing in common, the fact that he was an alcoholic and completely irresponsible, or she had completely different values from you – hunky dory. Well, I was not going to do that. If love is something that descends on you, it can evaporate just as quickly. I was going to convince myself that love is something you do, something you build, something you make every day. I was going to will myself to build this because I know that the simple act of building something – the act of creation -- can sometimes engender love all by itself. Look at what we made! This is worthy of love!posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:48 AM on August 9, 2010 [18 favorites]
Turns out I’m way more of a romantic than I thought, though. Turns out you – or at least I – can’t will love. When I felt what I felt for my friend two years ago – this intense, overwhelming, chemical attraction (it’s not completely lust, exactly, more like passion, more like ease, like just clicking, just getting each other), it did exactly what Kittens described. Oh, I thought, so THAT’S what they are talking about.
The reason I started therapy was because I said to myself “Instead of obsessing over this idea of “true love” and focusing on all the things you DON’T feel for your husband, why don’t you SUPER FOCUS on all the things you DO feel for him and see if this can sustain you, especially given the fact that you have a child.” Advice from people like DarlingBri has reinforced this and has been helpful. But ultimately I doubt I will stay with him, because as much as I like him and care for him, I do not love him. I do not want to lie anymore about love to myself, or to him, or to my kid.
This has been a fucked-up weekend, let me tell you, reading about how I’m a crazy bitch who deserves to lose custody of our child because I made a huge mistake and am now trying to own up to it in a way that doesn’t destroy someone I care for. I am certainly selfish, and naïve, and deceitful, and miserable, and scared, and sorry, but I don't believe I am that different from a lot of other people. It has been illuminating how important love is to all of us and how angry people get when it is betrayed. That more than anything is what this thread has taught me.
Clockzero, thank you for the apology. When I read your initial reply, I thought “what if he’s right? Maybe I’m so messed up and crazy and I don’t even know it and I’m never ever going to be capable of doing the right thing and I've already totally ruined one life and I should just kill myself before I screw up my kid.” But then I thought, wait, no, THAT’S crazy, and went outside and fed the chickens. I accept your apology; it’s OK.
You folks can stick around and talk about this some more if you want to, but I don't want to keep bugging Jessamyn about posting my responses. Ima go to therapy, and talk about what I learned here. Thanks.
People in serious, lasting long-term relationships often can feel like they hate each other but still have the love that animates and motivates their relationship quite living. That's because love is not a feeling, it is an act of will, and as such talking about it as though it were a feeling – i.e. "I just don't feel like I'm in love anymore" – is silly. You either deeply care about a person, forcibly creating a future in your mind about them, or you don't; but it's not some wind that blows here and there as it will, it's a choice you can make.I genuinely don't understand this.
But love is damned serious, so if you're going to break up with her you need to approach the conversation with more than the shoddy "love but not in love" distinction, which is never satisfying to a soon-to-be ex-partner and which never offers any kind of closure.If anything, for me that offers more closure than any explanation you can give. Because it sometimes is just chemistry, it's just compatibility. It just is. Nobody has to be blamed. Nobody has to walk away, feeling they failed in some way. Because why should they? God. It's just people, trying to connect! There will be misses! That's fucking all! How do you manage to moralise even love?
People in serious, lasting long-term relationships often can feel like they hate each other but still have the love that animates and motivates their relationship quite living.Just, for the love of god — why? Never mind yourself — why would you subject the person you love to something like that? The world is full of people who have broken up long-term, committed but miserable relationships, and have found happier lives, for both people in the relationship. I just don't get it, on any level. I don't get how in this day and age, with so many examples of how it has worked out better for so many people, why we still cling on to this idea. It causes so much fucking pain! It makes people stay in their unhappy lives, it fills people with judgement and blame and bitterness.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:52 AM on August 8, 2010 [52 favorites]