Comments on: It's not you and it's not me.

It's not you and it's not me.

TooFewShoes — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 10:53:25 -0800

I know there is an ultimate break up script. Why can't I find it.

Somebody posted the best way to break up and I have a friend who needs it. My brain is broken and I can't seem to come up with the right search terms. Please help me.

By: daniel_charms

daniel_charms — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 11:02:22 -0800

Is this comment by Miko what you were looking for?

By: filthy light thief

filthy light thief — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 11:10:38 -0800

Here's a MeTa thread about the comment, with discussion about how this isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. It's more for early in a relationship.

By: Elmore

Elmore — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 12:42:33 -0800

It's not you, it's my friend.

By: michaelh

michaelh — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 13:41:36 -0800

1. A lot is wrong with you, and we are a terrible match (list negative qualities).

2. For that specific reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know that it's important to me to like you by now.

3. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and because of point #1 I can't deliver it right now.

4. I don't want to be in your way and prevent you experiencing the fabulous life you will soon be living when you are with someone who is ready for you right now, and knowing that's not me I think it's best to free you up.

6. I really really really really did not struggle with this decision because I don't like you. I didn't make it lightly and I feel sure it's the right thing.

7. Do you have any questions for me? I'd be happy to elaborate.

By: Eideteker

Eideteker — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 13:58:44 -0800

"I fucked your sister."

Works. Every. Time. (and even if it doesn't it still leads to a win-win scenario)

By: cjorgensen

cjorgensen — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 14:16:07 -0800

It's not you, it's my new special friend.

By: litleozy

litleozy — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 15:07:33 -0800

While this is here, can anyone link me to a joke comment made (I #think# it was in metatalk) by someone following miko's recommendations to absurd lengths? Like, having the advice printed out and reading it out, point by point, while breaking up with someone?

By: TooFewShoes

TooFewShoes — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 15:22:06 -0800

It was Miko's comment! I was looking for Misha! No wonder I couldn't find it!

By: Elmore

Elmore — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 15:33:57 -0800

It's not you, it's metafilter.

By: special-k

special-k — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 15:35:32 -0800

I flagged you. A moderator will be by shortly to break up with you on my behalf.

By: ceribus peribus

ceribus peribus — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 16:32:40 -0800

Griphus also provided some pointers on implementing Miko's advice.

By: Ghidorah

Ghidorah — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 17:30:22 -0800

Miko's advice is, as usual, spot on. However, for people who just aren't willing to put do much effort into it, there's always

I have to go, my people need me.

And then you jump out a window. This works best on the first floor.

By: madcaptenor

madcaptenor — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 17:36:17 -0800

I flagged you. A moderator will be by shortly to break up with you on my behalf.

Can those of us whose significant others aren't on Metafilter use this service? If so, how?

(dear Significant Other, if you're reading this, this is an entirely hypothetical question.)

By: flabdablet

flabdablet — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 18:05:19 -0800

This works best on the first floor.

Due to the Southern Hemisphere's stronger gravity (we're on 240 volts here), in Australia it works best on the ground floor.

By: Nomyte

Nomyte — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 18:13:52 -0800

Sometimes I put a paper towel on my dick and pretend it's a ghost!

By: cortex

cortex — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 18:45:51 -0800

Can those of us whose significant others aren't on Metafilter use this service? If so, how?

You will need to buy them a gift account before we are able to break up with them on your behalf. More information on this procedure can be found in the FAQ; see the entry titled "How Can I Perform The Ultimate Dick Move?".

By: octobersurprise

octobersurprise — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 18:50:04 -0800

It's not you, it's my friend.

"Say hello to my little friend! (Who wants me to break up with you.)"

By: Greg Nog

Greg Nog — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 19:36:48 -0800

1) I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think we need to have a talk.

2) I'm feeling a lot of things, and one of those things is that you smell extremely bad.

3) I don't mean that you smell bad to me, I mean that you smell bad objectively.

4) You smell so bad that when you walk near a cat, it scratches apart the floorboards in order to obtain material to cover the smell.

5) You smell so bad that when you walk near the ocean, you can hear bagpipes because the clams think one of their policemen has died.

6) You smell so bad that when you open a Bologna Lunchable, people in the vicinity say, "oh thank god someone opened up a bologna lunchable because that is beginning to cover over the smell we were previously smelling."

6)a) (Bologna Lunchables also smell bad, we can both agree, but not as bad as you have been smelling.)

7) So at any rate, I've given this a tremendous amount of thought, and at this point in my life, I think that I feel that I've discovered that it's important to me to not be dating someone that smells like someone placed an entire peat bog in an old gym sock and let it do its thang in about four to five gallons of greek yogurt.

8) It's not you, nor is it me, it's the smell that surrounds you like a cursed fog upon a dhampir's tongue, which is like a thousand hamsters caught in a quiche, left in the equatorial sun.

9) I still wish nothing but the best for you, and hope we can eventually be friends.

10) PS you still have my copy of House of Leaves, but feel free to finish it, just get it back to me whenevs.

By: box

box — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 20:09:07 -0800

11) You know what--you can just keep it. Or pass it along.

By: filthy light thief

filthy light thief — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 20:26:17 -0800

.

For the fallen clam policemen. Policeclams. Whatevs.

By: bukvich

bukvich — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 20:42:37 -0800

The classic is "I hate you. I wish you were dead." I have not heard this in a long time but I am sure there are Miss Manners columns and books which have the line "you are dead to me".

That is like early twenties at the max but she was a lot older than that when she wrote it. Yikes.

That woman or man who broke into your apartment and wrote "HATE" "DEATH" "KILL" on your white walls with their blood was closer to Miss Manners than farther I fear.

What I mean to say is I don't think you can get an internet go-by for doing this which is guaranteed to work. If you cannot trust Miss Manners (you cannot trust Miss Manners) who could you possibly trust?

By: Slarty Bartfast

Slarty Bartfast — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 20:43:47 -0800

I'm willing to work on my smell, Greg. I thought you found it endearing. Please don't do this!

By: special-k

special-k — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 20:45:03 -0800

smell you later!

By: Melismata

Melismata — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 20:56:11 -0800

I'm glad you found it, but was surprised that it was so difficult to locate. Every single time there's an Askme breakup question, someone links to it.

By: Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug

Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 21:05:41 -0800

"You're giving me the 'it's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'it's not you, it's me'! Nobody tells me it's them not me; if it's anybody, it's me!"

By: Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug

Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 21:06:47 -0800

I almost included a giant ASCII Costanza head. Feel free to give me thank-you favorites for not cluttering up y'alls recent activity.

By: daniel_charms

daniel_charms — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 21:55:31 -0800

"Or when people break up, they always use a bunch of lines on each other, you know, terrible rubbish lies, like "It's not you, it's me, it's me." It's NEVER you, it's always them! You should level with these people! Tell them! "You know that strange sound you used to hear when you were going to sleep? That was me CHEWING the bed, out of sheer boredom! OOOOHH, How I HATE you, I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to get up early in the morning to hate you because there isn't time enough in the day. Please, GO AWAY!" Or that other BULLSHIT: "I need more space!" People never quantify exactly how much space they really need.. do they? But strangely enough, it always seems to be the exact same height, depth and breadth as you. "

By: PeterMcDermott

PeterMcDermott — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 23:37:14 -0800

A giant ascii Costanza head would have been a thread saver.

By: AugustWest

AugustWest — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 23:50:05 -0800

I have a friend who actually broke up with his long time girlfriend (things were going badly for a while) by using this line:

They had just made up from some fight over some immaterial difference, but in his words, "I just wasn't willing to fight anymore. Sick of the bs. I made up so that I could get out of there and go home and think, but when she asked me about our long-term plans immediately after the make-up, I sort of realized I have no plans with her. I decided to end it. Mind you this all took place in my head in the fraction of a second it took to answer her question."

Him: "Are you asking me, Do I think we would get married some day?"
Her: "Yes. I am.
Him: "I think we'll get engaged when I get back from Detroit."
Her: "Oh my god. Really? When are you going to Detroit."
Him: "I ain't never going to Detroit."

It would be my preference to tell someone, "We need to Miko" and walk out while sending a link to the comment.

By: Wonton Cruelty

Wonton Cruelty — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 05:21:10 -0800

By: infini

infini — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 06:10:08 -0800

*Attempts to log into special email account*

By: oliverburkeman

oliverburkeman — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 06:13:11 -0800

I think it's important to emphasize that, in Miko's original list, it's important to actually say the numbers out loud. Thus: "One. There's certainly nothing wrong with you..."

By: Eideteker

Eideteker — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 06:42:15 -0800

"I have to go. My planet needs me." also works.

By: Devils Rancher

Devils Rancher — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 07:56:19 -0800

For the confrontation-averse:

1. Buy a parrot.
2. Teach parrot Miko's script.
3. Ask SO to meet at specified place/time.
4. Have parrot stand in for you while you are packing.

By: arcticseal

arcticseal — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 08:27:36 -0800

"Back in a minute, I think I left the gas on" worked for my friend, but it took a few days for the shoe to drop for the dumpee; don't do this.

By: Cool Papa Bell

Cool Papa Bell — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 08:54:39 -0800

My break- up script is quite different.

By: RobotHero

RobotHero — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 10:31:43 -0800

The only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again. And it won't make sense right now but I'm still your friend.

(Do angry dance backwards out of the room)

By: 1f2frfbf

1f2frfbf — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 10:51:59 -0800

"Wanna get married?"

Works two out of three times.

By: Devils Rancher

Devils Rancher — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 10:54:35 -0800

Right after post-fight make-up sex, get up and put this on the stereo, and stare deeply into their eyes.

By: winna

winna — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 11:40:03 -0800

I just talk honestly about my feelings and introduce them to my infinitely more attractive friends! Works like a charm!

you may have to be me for this to work.

By: orange swan

orange swan — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 12:48:39 -0800

I'm breaking up with you because you suck in bed, and not in a good way.

By: ASCII Costanza head

ASCII Costanza head — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 13:08:51 -0800

Dude, I'm napping under hear. I'll break up with you later.

By: vidur

vidur — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 13:33:49 -0800

All these scripts seem to be missing the last few steps that eventually lead to PROFIT.

By: michaelh

michaelh — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 13:59:39 -0800

1. Do you have any questions?

2. Answer questions.

3. Profit.

By: Durn Bronzefist

Durn Bronzefist — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 14:24:25 -0800

It's not you and it's not me.

But don't get upset when you see him. *unbuttons shirt*

Open your mind. Open... your MIND.

By: rhizome

rhizome — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 21:35:32 -0800

Metafilter: it's not you

By: cjorgensen

cjorgensen — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 09:12:09 -0800

It is too me.

By: infini

infini — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 10:48:55 -0800

Meta!

By: wierdo

wierdo — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 18:52:14 -0800

flabdablet: "Due to the Southern Hemisphere's stronger gravity (we're on 240 volts here), in Australia it works best on the ground floor."

And we have irrefutable proof that those from down under are actually very sophisticated androids. They count from zero, for crying out loud!

By: deborah

deborah — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 21:06:36 -0800

Metafilter: It is you, not me.

By: Philosopher Dirtbike

Philosopher Dirtbike — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 01:21:14 -0800

"Until you can tear and burn the bible to
escape the EVIL ONE, it will be impossible
for your educated stupid brain to know that
4 different corner harmonic 24 hour Days
rotate simultaneously within a single 4
quadrant rotation of a squared equator
and cubed Earth. The Solar system, the
Universe, the Earth and all humans are
composed of + 0 - antipodes, and equal
to nothing if added as a ONE or Entity.
All Creation occurs between Opposites.
Academic ONEism destroys +0- brain.
If you would acknowledge
simple existing math proof
that 4 harmonic corner days
rotate simultaneously around
squared equator and cubed
Earth, proving 4 Days, Not
1Day,1Self,1Earth or 1God
that exists only as anti-side.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

By: solarion

solarion — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 01:33:39 -0800

And we have irrefutable proof that those from down under are actually very sophisticated androids. They count from zero, for crying out loud!

I can assure you we do not. We've just introduced ground as a new number: Zero, ground, one, two, so on.

By: Eideteker

Eideteker — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 06:30:38 -0800

"It's not you, it's MeFi."