April 3, 2004
10:36 AM   Subscribe

I would love to get back at my buddy for a practical joke. I have his email and home address. What would you suggest? Please be as creative as possible...
posted by Macboy to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (47 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Making lives a living hell really isn't a cool thing to use askme for. -- cortex

 
What did he do to you? If you're going to get someone back, the best way is to do something similiar to what they did to you.
posted by banished at 11:07 AM on April 3, 2004


Response by poster: It was pretty bad. I would like to make his life a living hell... ;)
posted by Macboy at 11:08 AM on April 3, 2004


spill, Macboy. Are we talking Cartman-level payback (a la feeding him chili with parent-parts in it) or something more normal?
posted by amberglow at 11:33 AM on April 3, 2004


What's your budget? How nearby are you? Living hell-recoverable, or living hell-destructive?
posted by Danelope at 11:34 AM on April 3, 2004


I'm a big fan of the junk mail attack. Head to one of those sites that list all the things you can send away for for free, and just go to town.

Bonus points if he's a single man and you pick nothing but feminine sanitary products.
posted by Katemonkey at 12:02 PM on April 3, 2004


two words: perverted-justice. go around picking up on preteen girls in chat rooms, give his home phone and email, and hope that one of those perverted-justice guys is on the other end.
posted by joedan at 12:06 PM on April 3, 2004


non-destructive but fun one:

I have a friend that I've been sending occasional unidentifiable postcards to for years. I have a different person whom he's never met write out a quick chatty postcard that feigns familiarity. Then I affix postage and a) put it in an envelope and mail it to a contact in a city where he probably doesn't know anyone and have them drop it in the mailbox or b) give it to someone who's travelling, to mail from their destination.

I'm a big fan of those free advertising postcards in bars because you can usually have a friend of a friend (whom he's sure not to know the handwriting) write one out while everyone's having drinks.

I've sent about 12 postcards over 10 years and he still doesn't know that it's me.
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:32 PM on April 3, 2004


two words: perverted-justice. go around picking up on preteen girls in chat rooms, give his home phone and email, and hope that one of those perverted-justice guys is on the other end.

Um.
posted by The God Complex at 12:57 PM on April 3, 2004


Whoa! What joedan is suggesting is just plain wrong. Please don't do this to anyone.
posted by dobbs at 1:05 PM on April 3, 2004


- Try changing his status at the department of public records to "deceased." You will need your laptop and access to a really tall building w/ satellite for this.

- Hiring an expensive escort to show up at his house is a good one, especially if he has a significant other. Make certain to specify that the significant other wants in on the act, and to ignore the "but I didn't hire a hooker!" facade, as it's all a part of the roleplay.

- Mix 50lbs of freshly butchered cow cuts with one part hair (purchased from any beauty supply store), and several parts torn clothing. Direct the delivery person to "put it around back," particularly in a shed or some other concealed location. Wait for him to notice either smell or insurgence of stray animals.

- Sign him up to receive "12 free CDs for a penny!" Intercept package, take all good CDs out of jewel cases and replace them with Menudo and Bryan Adams. Rewrap and leave on his doorstep. Pay neighborhood children to egg him when he comes out to get it.

- Make a hefty donation in his name to his local police/fire department. The prank that keeps pranking until you move away or change your phone number.
posted by precocious at 1:18 PM on April 3, 2004


Response by poster: Oh these are getting good! Katemonekey, do you have any of these sites bookmarked???

I'm a big fan of the junk mail attack. Head to one of those sites that list all the things you can send away for for free, and just go to town.

posted by Macboy at 1:53 PM on April 3, 2004


A bead of grease (axel grease, for instance) run down his passenger-side windshield wiper will leave a terrible smeared mess next time he activates his wipers. Don't apply it to the drivers-side wiper, of course, or you could cause an accident.

Herbicide. Topical herbicide like Roundup can be used to write rude messages or leave crop circles in his lawn. More potent stuff can be poured in the ground and will kill off larger areas. Careful, though, because too much can spread into neighbors' lawns.

For $100 or so you could have a dump truck drop off a ton (literally) of mulch or wood chips or hay into the victim's driveway while they're at work or school or whatever. Depending on your particular locale this may not be practical. Your profile says you're in NC, so I would guess you'd have no trouble arranging such a delivery.
posted by mragreeable at 2:07 PM on April 3, 2004


When I was in high school I worked as a telemarketer for 4 months. It afforded me an opportunity to play a prank on a friend which I'm sure you could duplicate with a little effort.

I called several hundred phone numbers per night, usually residences. For a period, every time I got an answering machine (which was about 50%-60% of the time) I left a message kind of like the following:

"Hi this is calling from the Publisher's Clearing House prize patrol. I have some news that I think your family is going to be pretty excited about. I'd like you to call me back so that we can arrange a time to get a camera crew out to your house to ring your doorbell. Please call me at "

I must have left that message hundreds of times. I suggest you find the most backwoods/PWT area code in your free calling zone and call a large block of names from there. There's nothing like having 400 rednecks trying to get a hold of you so they can collect their $16million.

posted by scarabic at 2:31 PM on April 3, 2004


Put his house/apartment up for rent in the classified section of the local paper, with his phone number as the contact number. Make sure the rent you ask is slightly below market value. Indicate that prospective tenants should only call after 11:00PM, as the landlord is a day sleeper.

Request a visit from some Mormon missionaries.

Use his phone number to advertise goat stud service.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:47 PM on April 3, 2004


Mail him a slice of American cheese. DO NOT mark hand stamp. We did this once on a whim in XMAS cards and I guess there is a whole series of rollers (?) at the post office that mail goes through. This caused the cheese to expel all of the oil into the card and it seeped all over the other mail.

Also, mail old Roast Beef sandwiches.
posted by pissfactory at 2:53 PM on April 3, 2004


It's hard to beat leaving a few dead fish under his bed/couch or in some other inaccessible place where he'll be hard pressed to find them.

There are all sorts of things that you can do to his toilet tank.

Milk in the wiper fluid reservoir doesn't hurt, either.
posted by Kwantsar at 3:12 PM on April 3, 2004


- Try changing his status at the department of public records to "deceased." You will need your laptop and access to a really tall building w/ satellite for this.
hehe, classic!

one suggestion. there are tons of terrible-smell-in-a-bottle products that can be poured into someones car, either on the upholstery or into the vents in the top of the dashboard. You could head to walmart and buy some deer urine or (preferably) catfish bait (smells like the living dead).

If you put it in their ac vents they will be hard pressed to get it out. Or you could spray mace/pepper spray into the vents to give him a nice surprise when he turns on the ac.

Also, something i tried once that works really well. if you're in a residential you could get some weed killer and write "fuck you asshole" in his lawn.
posted by bob sarabia at 3:23 PM on April 3, 2004


You didn't hear this from me:
If you have access to his house, remove the ends from his curtain rods, put some shrimps in the rods (they're usually hollow), and then reattach the ends.
The smell emerging after a couple of weeks will be horrible, and he probably won't be able to find the source.
If you are lucky he'll be forced to move out of his house. If you're really lucky, he won't be able to sell it.
posted by mr.marx at 3:55 PM on April 3, 2004 [1 favorite]


You people are bastards.
posted by ColdChef at 6:03 PM on April 3, 2004


Oh, wait. I've got one! Does this person have children? Preferable children that he loves and he would miss if something tragic happened to them?

*manically rubs hands together*
posted by ColdChef at 6:06 PM on April 3, 2004


From the annals of "Things I Thought of Doing But Never Did"

If you have home access, the stinky home stuff listed above is a nice start, as is hiding various ladies undergarments if he had a live-in SO. But I feel that revenge is a dish best served absurd. So you should start to hide potatoes in his house. Set a goal every week and try to match it. Eventually, he'll discover the wayward taters, and his life will become much more interesting.

Now, if you can't get in to his house, his car becomes the next best target.

My father, a physics type who has lab access, swears this is true. You can take shaving cream, freeze it in liquid nitrogen, then peel off the metal. It takes three cans dropped into a slightly open window to completely fill the car with foam.

When I used to play Killer my murder of choice was Vaseline poison placed under the doorhandle on the driver's side door. Heck, half the sneaky tricks in Killer can be used a pranks. If you don't mind using a gamebook as a source, check it out.

"The Official Handbook of Practical Jones" by Peter Van Der Linden is a pretty good source, if you can find it. It has a few follow-ups, too.

Just don't do anything criminal, cuz then the last laugh's on you!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:11 PM on April 3, 2004


Buy a huge rubbery dildo and put it somewhere in his house if hes straight and has a girlfriend, preferably pink.
posted by Keyser Soze at 6:12 PM on April 3, 2004


From the holy shit it really works department: Shaving Cream frozen really does expand.
posted by Keyser Soze at 6:15 PM on April 3, 2004


Okay, the wife says that I am being hypocritical, because I do cruel shit to our friends all the time, but for the record...pranks that destroy property are not funny.

Funny is when you crush their soul.

With that in mind, the most important thing to remember is that for a prank to be really cruel, it must be perpetrated in their workplace. A few simple examples:

1. Make long distance calls from their workstation.

2. Have an either extremely hot or extremely unattractive person ask for them at a time when you know they won't be there. The more this happens, the better. Their coworkers will provide the comedy here.

3. Gay porn. C. O. D.

4. Make friends with their IT person. IT people can really make your life hell, and they're almost always up for a joke. "Why is my keyboard in Greek?"

5. Send dead roses from "You know who."

Oh, and if at all possible, involve his spouse.
posted by ColdChef at 6:18 PM on April 3, 2004


Okay, my last one: (and this is based on a true story)

Make a flyer with the following information:
END OF SUMMER BLOWOUT!
30 KEGS! FREE BBQ! ALL YOU CAN EAT!
BRING YOUR SWIMSUITS AND YOUR FRIENDS!

Make it colorful, make it realistic. Make it for next weekend. Put target's address on them.

Make 2000 copies. Distribute at biker bars, places frequented by underaged drinkers, bowling alleys. Places where your target won't go.

When "my friend" did this one, so many people tried to get to this house, the police had to block off the entire subdivision. The target (who was having a kid's birthday party on the same day--oooh! I forgot that part! Very important!) estimated that at least fifty people showed up and were eating and drinking before he figured out what was going on.

They were trapped in the house all day. Weeks later, people would still drop by, looking for a party. Word of mouth had apparently passed on the "FREE BEER" part, but not the date.
posted by ColdChef at 6:35 PM on April 3, 2004


And I'd still like to hear what he did to you to deserve this wrath.
posted by ColdChef at 6:37 PM on April 3, 2004


Response by poster: you people are sick twisted people - I love it...
posted by Macboy at 7:25 PM on April 3, 2004


[note: this is technically illegal]

Forward his mail from his home to either a) Namibia or b) a corporate address anyplace. Forward it permanently. The reason this is so wonderful is that it's nearly impossible to unforward business mail. You can forward your personal mail to hell and back but once you have forwarded it to your local Key Bank, they can't send mail bound for Key Bank [even somewhat erroneously] someplace else. A pal of mine forwarded his mail to his work address when he was between houses and found this out the hard way.

I've sent about 12 postcards over 10 years and he still doesn't know that it's me.

Someone was doing that to me for a while too. Maddening as all hell.
posted by jessamyn at 7:27 PM on April 3, 2004


funny..i read some other site (of which i cant remember the url) that said the shaving cream thing didn't work.
posted by bob sarabia at 9:18 PM on April 3, 2004


bob sarabia, I think you may be referring to cockeyed.com's frozen shaving cream experiment. He only used a freezer though, maybe LN2 could do the trick.
posted by whatzit at 9:50 PM on April 3, 2004


I think the shaving cream thing depends on having access to hardcore tech (read: liquid nitro - I've read versions of this where it was just put in the freezer). My dad claims to have done it at Lehigh.... but he talks big.

The part I've never groked was how to peel the metal. Despite my dad's claims, I've remained skeptic.

But, to add some content:

Construct fake spiderwebs outside the victim's home. Use kite-string or twine. If you can build it from tree to tree, so much the better (and it's easier than you think - plan and build ahead of time and you can be up in 15-20 minutes with some help).

If they tear it down, well, daddylonglegs or any other spider, instered through their mailslot will drive the point home.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:52 PM on April 3, 2004


Kill him! With a knife, maybe. That would be funny.

No, really: please don't do any of this shit. And I say this as a charter and famously retarded member of alt.shenanigans. The best revenge is forgiveness. Or, you know, stabbing.
posted by nicwolff at 11:00 PM on April 3, 2004


Free Stuff

I used to send Good Vibrations catalogs and other porn-related material to this really uptight Baptist drama queen of a flatmate. Hours of entertainment.
posted by Katemonkey at 3:21 AM on April 4, 2004


Best pranks I ever saw (all were during college), in ascending level of viciousness:

--Completely cover their doorways with masking tape. You can get out, but no one wants to press against all that stickiness. Making a spiderweb, as robocop suggested, is fun...but I'd use monofilament fishing line instead of string;

--If you attach a condom to a rubber hose, you can fill it up with a LOT of water...almost to the size of, say, a 55-gallon drum. It can be tricky to do, but fill up the condom under someone's door and then manage to tie off the end, you've basically created a gigantic water balloon behind their door. When they open their door, all of a sudden they've got 50-odd gallons of water splashing all over the floor;

--Before leaving for Xmas break, one of my residents used hair dryer to blow a bunch of grass seed under the door of someone else's dorm room. They then sprayed a bunch of water underneath. We were away for a month for the break, and the mark came back, opened his door, and found a lawn on his carpet. The college had to replace the carpet in the room;

--Put Mr. Cling Film over Mr. Toilet Bowl. )Only if they really deserve revenge.)
posted by Vidiot at 4:16 AM on April 4, 2004


I never want to get on any of your bad sides....


By the way, Macboy, this is one AskMe thread I would love to see an update on.

(Magazine lap cards are easy to fill out. Just go to Barnes and Noble, swipe a few dozen out of the more annoying/obscure magazines, and remember to check "bill me later")
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:21 AM on April 4, 2004


You know, since Macboy refuses to answer the question of WHY he is seeking revenge, I can only assume that he is not being 100% truthful here.

It is my hypothesis that he has not really been wronged at all and he is asking for our help so that he may have FIRST STRIKE CAPABILITY!

We have all been punk'd.
posted by ColdChef at 7:28 AM on April 4, 2004


Response by poster: OK

Here is the story, sad but true. My wifes ex-husband has left us with a huge mount of debt. . He's gotten away scot free and left us holding the bag of over $35,000 in bills and property. We just had a baby and another one on the way. I know revenge is terrible, but I really want to get back at this guy for all the pain and trouble he's caused.
posted by Macboy at 8:13 AM on April 4, 2004


Speaking of cars and spider webs... if there is any way you can get spiders to reproduce in his car by introducing an egg or a queen spider (?) into his car, that'd haunt him for as long as he owned it. I had a 'vette once (ok, a Chevette, but still a 'vette) that had "spiders" and I couldn't get rid of them. I even smoke bombed the car (a site to see) and the things we still just everywhere. The popped out at you or slid down a web in front of your face while you were driving. It was godly unnerving. I eventually had to get rid of the car for that reason alone.
posted by pissfactory at 8:26 AM on April 4, 2004


" I would love to get back at my buddy for a practical joke."

LIAR!!!
posted by pissfactory at 8:30 AM on April 4, 2004


Response by poster: Ah not true, I have one neighbor friend who snuck into my house and put molasses in my shower head last week. I plan on using these to get him back also.
posted by Macboy at 8:34 AM on April 4, 2004


OK

Here is the story, sad but true. My wifes ex-husband has left us with a huge mount of debt. . He's gotten away scot free and left us holding the bag of over $35,000 in bills and property. We just had a baby and another one on the way. I know revenge is terrible, but I really want to get back at this guy for all the pain and trouble he's caused.


Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about that.

This guy clearly betrayed your wife's trust and left you guys with a lot of trouble, but I just can't imagine there's anything you could do that would let either of you sit back and laugh at the whole thing.

This goes far beyond the realm of the "flaming bag of poo," and I have to guess that anything that you could do which would be the least bit commensurate to his crimes would invite further retribution from him.

Perhaps a civil suit is in order? Or something more mundane? I'm a big fan of pranks, but I've never found revenge to be particularly rewarding.

Best of luck to you, whichever way you go with this.
posted by mragreeable at 9:27 AM on April 4, 2004


See, this changes everything...my first choice is to agree with the aptly named Mr. Agreeable. The law is your friend in this case. If you seek revenge, the law turns against you.

However, now I'm thinking of some really evil shit I would do to this guy in your situation, so I probably should step away from the keyboard.

Good luck in whatever you choose and remember there's no such thing as a perfect crime.
posted by ColdChef at 11:51 AM on April 4, 2004


Response by poster: Thank everyone. I am in the process of sending Mormons to my neighbor. The ex-husband is going to be more difficult, he's in Alabama.

but I just can't imagine there's anything you could do that would let either of you sit back and laugh at the whole thing We've sat back and laughed, but after creditors call your house looking for him, because he listed our address as his home one, you forget its not very funny.
posted by Macboy at 2:14 PM on April 4, 2004


Someone I know admitted to perpetrating this in high school. Its called Nitrogen Triiodide, and is very easy to synthesize in the kitchen. It is stable as a liquid in a sealed container, but when poured out and given time to dry, it becomes a brownish powder that will explode (Quicktime Movie) at the slightest touch. Not TNT explosive, but definitely sting-like-hell explosive, and in sufficient concentrations blow-your-finger-off explosive. Here's some applications he told me about:

Pour some in a key hole. When key is inserted, it is blown back out.

Smear some on an open book in the library. When closed, it will blow back open (and damage the book).

Put some on the bottom of a toilet seat.

And the worst one: put some on the floor of the showers in the locker room. With every step the floor will explode.

I in no way condone synthesizing, utilizing, or even thinking about NI3.
posted by ChasFile at 5:57 PM on April 4, 2004


Does your friend have a yard at his residence? Find out his trash pick up schedule & 4 to 5 bags of styrofoam shipping peanuts .

Need to do this a few days before trash day so that your friend will have amble time picking up the mess you created. Place 4 to 5 bags of styrofoam shipping peanuts over his yard, preferably front. Then return trash day before waste management has shown up. Replace picked up styrofoam peanuts back on his yard.
Notes, styrofoam shipping peanuts will blow with the wind which may annoy neighbors if not cleaned quickly. Some styrofoam peanuts are designed that they will dissolves in water if you want to be nice.

Another, does your friend's car have a sun roof? you could just fill his car with the small round bb size styrofoam.
posted by thomcatspike at 11:06 AM on April 5, 2004


Here is the story, sad but true.
Thought you wanted a prank, you may need a lawyer.
posted by thomcatspike at 11:17 AM on April 5, 2004


Response by poster: Thought you wanted a prank, you may need a lawyer. Already have one. It's going to cost another $1,000 just to sue him to get a judgement and money we probably won't see...
posted by Macboy at 9:30 AM on April 7, 2004


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