At least nobody has posted about gun control yet May 8, 2007 11:45 AM Subscribe
Q: How do I get what I need from my husband to deal with some personal trauma?
A: I'd be angry with you for what you did because it was stupid.
She asked "Why was everyone else proud of me, except my husband?" It's a valid answer to say "If I were your husband, I wouldn't be proud of you because it was stupid."
posted by smackfu at 11:52 AM on May 8, 2007 [8 favorites]
posted by smackfu at 11:52 AM on May 8, 2007 [8 favorites]
What? This is a silly post. The poster asked a question and got responses. She wants to know why her husband reacted a certain way, and people are offering suggestions. She didn't ask the question to get a round of applause and a pat on the back.
posted by billysumday at 11:54 AM on May 8, 2007
posted by billysumday at 11:54 AM on May 8, 2007
I'm a little surprised that more people haven't explicitly addressed that side of it, honestly.
cocoagirl's answer may read like pretty harsh medicine compared to the rest of the thread, but it's not a flaming personal attack, it's a response to the question. And toomuchpete's response is milder yet.
It's a damned complicated situation at the center of that question—if she's looking for insights into what her husband might be thinking, those are important data points, however correct or incorrect they may be as characterizations of what's actually going on in the poster's husband's head.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:57 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
cocoagirl's answer may read like pretty harsh medicine compared to the rest of the thread, but it's not a flaming personal attack, it's a response to the question. And toomuchpete's response is milder yet.
It's a damned complicated situation at the center of that question—if she's looking for insights into what her husband might be thinking, those are important data points, however correct or incorrect they may be as characterizations of what's actually going on in the poster's husband's head.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:57 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
Part of her question: Why is he not proud of me?
Possible answer: Because he thinks what you did was stupid.
Not saying I agree, but the answer is legitimate. The OP is asking for opinions, and getting them. What's the problem?
posted by iconomy at 11:57 AM on May 8, 2007
Possible answer: Because he thinks what you did was stupid.
Not saying I agree, but the answer is legitimate. The OP is asking for opinions, and getting them. What's the problem?
posted by iconomy at 11:57 AM on May 8, 2007
Following up on smackfu, his gloss is what the "was stupid" linked answer says. I think that is a totally legitimate answer. The first answerer does a bit more speculative editorializing: "here's why I, first answerer, think what you did might have been stupid," which is less helpful but still a bit helpful. Part of what the asker asked is "Why won't my husband tell me that he is proud of me?" And the correct answer might well be that he doesn't tell her because he isn't proud of her, and if that is right then it will be helpful to consider some reasons why that might be so. Both answers address that, if imperfectly, and in any case I don't think either are malicious or rude. Bad callout.
posted by Kwine at 11:59 AM on May 8, 2007
posted by Kwine at 11:59 AM on May 8, 2007
I'm a little surprised that more people haven't explicitly addressed that side of it, honestly.
Absolutely.
posted by MarkAnd at 12:02 PM on May 8, 2007
Absolutely.
posted by MarkAnd at 12:02 PM on May 8, 2007
That's carving the salami a little thin. I take that to be saying "Q: How can I get my husband to drop his silly position and give me what I want? A: Your husband's position is valid, so maybe you shouldn't be set on convincing him he is wrong."
That's a valid response in that instance, in my opinion. I think the "you must answer my question as phrased" rule--which is a good principle in general--should apply strictly to questions that don't involve moral judgment, but not so strictly in advice situations. Maybe examples will make my point clear. If the question is "How can I convert to Windows" that is clearly a technical question that doesn't need someone's comment about why the user should avoid Windows. But if the question is one where the user is attempting to come to terms with something but isn't sure, the strict application shouldn't apply. "Q: I am worried my daughter will have issues after she just came out of the closet. How can I convince her to not be gay for her own sake?" The question indicates someone trying to grapple with issues of judgment and personal interactions. A strict "answer the question" rule doesn't--and shouldn't--apply there. The user would benefit from opinions on how to look at the situation from other perspectives.
And the latter is what I see here. The poster doesn't understand her husband's viewpoint and is asking how to change it. The user apparently would benefit in understanding her husband's viewpoint first, and that is what the answers you are looking at suggest. If she understands her husband, maybe she won't feel bad about his reaction.
I'm not a big AskMefi guy. So maybe the position I just articulated has been rejected. But I don't see the problem with the answers you gave. Responses should try to be helpful, and in a case like that, non-enabling responses can still be helpful.
posted by dios at 12:05 PM on May 8, 2007 [6 favorites]
That's a valid response in that instance, in my opinion. I think the "you must answer my question as phrased" rule--which is a good principle in general--should apply strictly to questions that don't involve moral judgment, but not so strictly in advice situations. Maybe examples will make my point clear. If the question is "How can I convert to Windows" that is clearly a technical question that doesn't need someone's comment about why the user should avoid Windows. But if the question is one where the user is attempting to come to terms with something but isn't sure, the strict application shouldn't apply. "Q: I am worried my daughter will have issues after she just came out of the closet. How can I convince her to not be gay for her own sake?" The question indicates someone trying to grapple with issues of judgment and personal interactions. A strict "answer the question" rule doesn't--and shouldn't--apply there. The user would benefit from opinions on how to look at the situation from other perspectives.
And the latter is what I see here. The poster doesn't understand her husband's viewpoint and is asking how to change it. The user apparently would benefit in understanding her husband's viewpoint first, and that is what the answers you are looking at suggest. If she understands her husband, maybe she won't feel bad about his reaction.
I'm not a big AskMefi guy. So maybe the position I just articulated has been rejected. But I don't see the problem with the answers you gave. Responses should try to be helpful, and in a case like that, non-enabling responses can still be helpful.
posted by dios at 12:05 PM on May 8, 2007 [6 favorites]
Yep, I think those are somewhat blunt (but certainly not insulting, off-topic, or otherwise inappropriate) answers that could legitimately explain the husband's position though of course the OP won't ever know until she actually asks him
Responses should try to be helpful, and in a case like that, non-enabling responses can still be helpful.
Bingo.
posted by scody at 12:10 PM on May 8, 2007
Responses should try to be helpful, and in a case like that, non-enabling responses can still be helpful.
Bingo.
posted by scody at 12:10 PM on May 8, 2007
Also, I just want to point out that this sentiment is really misguided: I didn't see where anonymous asked for people to judge her actions. I think she did the best she could and wants to know how to deal with it.
As though other people shouldn't be critical of her actions because you think she did the correct thing. People ask questions on the green because of the diversity of opinions, suggestions, and perspectives. To say that you read something one way - the correct way - and that other people who disagree with your perspective are wrong, judgmental, or overly critical, and should refrain from further posting, seems not to be in the spirit of the site.
posted by billysumday at 12:12 PM on May 8, 2007
As though other people shouldn't be critical of her actions because you think she did the correct thing. People ask questions on the green because of the diversity of opinions, suggestions, and perspectives. To say that you read something one way - the correct way - and that other people who disagree with your perspective are wrong, judgmental, or overly critical, and should refrain from further posting, seems not to be in the spirit of the site.
posted by billysumday at 12:12 PM on May 8, 2007
Who are you calling out? The OP for asking the question? Or the people who gave answers you don't agree with?
posted by sneakin at 12:13 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by sneakin at 12:13 PM on May 8, 2007
Well, okay, I guess I'm being a little uptight here. That's why I asked, thanks for recalibrating my thinking on this.
Sorry for my previously knotted panties.
posted by peeedro at 12:16 PM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
Sorry for my previously knotted panties.
posted by peeedro at 12:16 PM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
Incidentally, my impression of the question, with its detailed description of OP's alleged heroics, was that OP is fishing for praise from the internets.
posted by thirteenkiller at 12:17 PM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by thirteenkiller at 12:17 PM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
It's all good, peeedro. This was the right place to do it, if it needed doing.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:31 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:31 PM on May 8, 2007
peeedro posted "I didn't see where anonymous asked for people to judge her actions."
No. But did you see the part where anonymous asked for people to guess how her husband judged her actions?
Q: "Why is he not proud of me?" A: "Maybe because he thinks you just helped the robber get more loot"
posted by Bugbread at 12:36 PM on May 8, 2007
No. But did you see the part where anonymous asked for people to guess how her husband judged her actions?
Q: "Why is he not proud of me?" A: "Maybe because he thinks you just helped the robber get more loot"
posted by Bugbread at 12:36 PM on May 8, 2007
Sorry, browser was acting borky, so my comment got posted long after this discussion had reached its conclusion.
posted by Bugbread at 12:37 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by Bugbread at 12:37 PM on May 8, 2007
Incidentally, my impression of the question, with its detailed description of OP's alleged heroics, was that OP is fishing for praise from the internets.
Same here. But like I can talk, I favorited the thing.
posted by spec80 at 12:38 PM on May 8, 2007
Same here. But like I can talk, I favorited the thing.
posted by spec80 at 12:38 PM on May 8, 2007
Q: I let a robber steal the cashbox from my wrestling match. I'd already gotten paid, and hey, that's the job of the police, right? So why doesn't my Uncle Ben love me?
posted by klangklangston at 12:49 PM on May 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 12:49 PM on May 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
Incidentally, my impression of the question, with its detailed description of OP's alleged heroics, was that OP is fishing for praise from the internets.
spa-Peggy and meatballs!
posted by sourwookie at 12:55 PM on May 8, 2007
spa-Peggy and meatballs!
posted by sourwookie at 12:55 PM on May 8, 2007
god damn it i always get in here too late to yell at people!
posted by shmegegge at 1:01 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by shmegegge at 1:01 PM on May 8, 2007
If some batty broad bird-brain-stormed offerin' up my bling to a stumbling two-bit hood, you best believe I'd send her triflin' Patty Hearst ass the bill.
Thanks to the OP for ironically creating a MeTa thread where I can talk the shit. As s/he indicates, such douchefare is not allowed on AskMe.
posted by dgaicun at 1:39 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Thanks to the OP for ironically creating a MeTa thread where I can talk the shit. As s/he indicates, such douchefare is not allowed on AskMe.
posted by dgaicun at 1:39 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
AskMe shouldn't be about/never has been about reinforcing someone's world view. Responses to the question that point out that her actions may not be as heroic as she believes seems perfectly valid to me, considering that the only way she'll know the real answer to her question is to ask her husband.
Those responding to a question should follow the main rule of mefi "Don't be an asshole," but that means showing some tact in how you word a response, not avoiding saying anything controversial.
posted by drezdn at 1:41 PM on May 8, 2007
Those responding to a question should follow the main rule of mefi "Don't be an asshole," but that means showing some tact in how you word a response, not avoiding saying anything controversial.
posted by drezdn at 1:41 PM on May 8, 2007
If some batty broad bird-brain-stormed offerin' up my bling to a stumbling two-bit hood, you best believe I'd send her triflin' Patty Hearst ass the bill.
Oh my god, Herbert Kornfeld speaks from beyond the grave!
posted by scody at 2:34 PM on May 8, 2007
Oh my god, Herbert Kornfeld speaks from beyond the grave!
posted by scody at 2:34 PM on May 8, 2007
Yeah, if I didn't know it would get deleted, my answer to that question was going to be: "Why should your husband be proud that you're an accomplice to robbery?"
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 3:08 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 3:08 PM on May 8, 2007
Incidentally, my impression of the question, with its detailed description of OP's alleged heroics, was that OP is fishing for praise from the internets.
Yep, that is the impression I got. It has been three weeks since the event. By now the outpourings of attention and praise from those around her has died down and she needs a praise-fix and needs to keep talking about it.
That isn't to say that she should or shouldn't get praise, I'm trying to refrain from forming an opinion about that. However, if that was her motivation for posting this, it is probably about time she start dealing with how she's dealing with this.
Incidentally, I seem to remember a very similar question posted back in the early days of ask.meta. Does anyone else remember the question or am I experiencing deja view?
posted by necessitas at 3:35 PM on May 8, 2007
Yep, that is the impression I got. It has been three weeks since the event. By now the outpourings of attention and praise from those around her has died down and she needs a praise-fix and needs to keep talking about it.
That isn't to say that she should or shouldn't get praise, I'm trying to refrain from forming an opinion about that. However, if that was her motivation for posting this, it is probably about time she start dealing with how she's dealing with this.
Incidentally, I seem to remember a very similar question posted back in the early days of ask.meta. Does anyone else remember the question or am I experiencing deja view?
posted by necessitas at 3:35 PM on May 8, 2007
"Why should your husband be proud that you're an accomplice to robbery?"
BTW -- most, if not all, in law enforcement strongly recommend that a bystander to a "robbery-in-progress" should not interfere. Too many variables are at play.
From the robber's perspective this unknown person could be an undercover officer or someone with a concealed weapon, etc. Furthermore, the criminal has likely "played out" the situation (i.e. visualized) what he expects to happen once he commences the robbery. Someone stepping between his expectation and goal of quickly garnering the loot and hoofing it all of a sudden adds complexity to the situation.
This robbery could have easily deteriorated into a horrible situation. Thankfully it did not. However, what would folks be pondering if one or more people in that store had been wounded or killed? How would victims' families - especially the OP's husband - regard her actions in hindsight were any to have been wounded or killed?
While they might not call the OP's actions "stupid," they most certaintlywould likely deem them "foolhardy" and the eventual outcome "fortunate."
posted by ericb at 4:22 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
BTW -- most, if not all, in law enforcement strongly recommend that a bystander to a "robbery-in-progress" should not interfere. Too many variables are at play.
From the robber's perspective this unknown person could be an undercover officer or someone with a concealed weapon, etc. Furthermore, the criminal has likely "played out" the situation (i.e. visualized) what he expects to happen once he commences the robbery. Someone stepping between his expectation and goal of quickly garnering the loot and hoofing it all of a sudden adds complexity to the situation.
This robbery could have easily deteriorated into a horrible situation. Thankfully it did not. However, what would folks be pondering if one or more people in that store had been wounded or killed? How would victims' families - especially the OP's husband - regard her actions in hindsight were any to have been wounded or killed?
While they might not call the OP's actions "stupid," they most certaintlywould likely deem them "foolhardy" and the eventual outcome "fortunate."
posted by ericb at 4:22 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
To put a point on this situation -- please, walk away from your computer. Gather your significant other, your kids (if you have any) right now. Or, call a family member or dear friend on the phone. What advice did you just give them, if they are ever to find themselves a victim/bystander/witness to a robbery taking place in a bank, grocery store/market or gas/petrol station? Be Rambo or be Bambi?
posted by ericb at 4:26 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by ericb at 4:26 PM on May 8, 2007
I hope that in the midst of her actions (which I think were foolish at best) she at least got a damn good look at the guy and gave a very detailed description to the police.
And hopefully they catch the guy before he goes to rob another store and expects the same payout. ("Hey, last time I did this, this woman offered up everybody elses stuff too!")
No comment about gun control, but I wish that someone had taken out a concealed firearm and put this guy down.
posted by drstein at 6:49 PM on May 8, 2007
And hopefully they catch the guy before he goes to rob another store and expects the same payout. ("Hey, last time I did this, this woman offered up everybody elses stuff too!")
No comment about gun control, but I wish that someone had taken out a concealed firearm and put this guy down.
posted by drstein at 6:49 PM on May 8, 2007
I sort of get a fishing for praise vibe off it too. Not so much in an ego-stroking way, but I suspect the Asker expected to get props from folks which she would then use to "prove" to her husband that her actions were appropriate.
klangklangston: A: Because he's dead, you neurotic, Steve Ditko-lookin' wallflower.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:34 PM on May 8, 2007
klangklangston: A: Because he's dead, you neurotic, Steve Ditko-lookin' wallflower.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:34 PM on May 8, 2007
How sad.
Whatever she did or didn't do, how about -- yippee! I'm alive! I love you, hubby! I love you, Mom! Now I'm going to paint the den and finish my novel because I'M ALIVE!
posted by Methylviolet at 8:59 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Whatever she did or didn't do, how about -- yippee! I'm alive! I love you, hubby! I love you, Mom! Now I'm going to paint the den and finish my novel because I'M ALIVE!
posted by Methylviolet at 8:59 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yeah, my first thought was that the heroism of anonymous's actions was very dubious, but I kept my one comment on-topic and respectful.
I think that "she helped the guy rob us!" is probably precisely what the husband is thinking, but is too polite to say.
posted by jayder at 9:38 PM on May 8, 2007
I think that "she helped the guy rob us!" is probably precisely what the husband is thinking, but is too polite to say.
posted by jayder at 9:38 PM on May 8, 2007
I read the question as essentially, "Please shower me with praise for helping a robber." How bizarre.
If I were the boyfriend, I would be pissed she almost got herself killed, pissed she helped him steal more stuff, and pissed that I lost a very expensive watch. The fact that he is merely not praising her ridiculous behavior indicates that he is a pretty awesome boyfriend.
posted by gatorae at 10:00 PM on May 8, 2007
If I were the boyfriend, I would be pissed she almost got herself killed, pissed she helped him steal more stuff, and pissed that I lost a very expensive watch. The fact that he is merely not praising her ridiculous behavior indicates that he is a pretty awesome boyfriend.
posted by gatorae at 10:00 PM on May 8, 2007
My guess is more along the line of the husband being initially scared to death that she put herself in harms way like that. Think about the reaction a parent has to a kid running in the street to get a ball just as a car drives by. The parent is relieved the kid isn't hurt, but the normal reaction looks a lot more like someone thats angry than relieved. All the while she just keeps wondering why he isn't glowingly proud that she got the ball out of the street.
posted by magikker at 10:42 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by magikker at 10:42 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
There were a couple of seriously bizarre anonymous questions on AskMe today. This one and the "I've been dating my girlfriend for ten years but we have no physical relationship and no plans to ever have one" stood out. It's like everybody's workshopping their short stories.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:19 AM on May 9, 2007
posted by mr_roboto at 12:19 AM on May 9, 2007
Why was everyone else proud?
Well when you're telling the story you're framing it, aren't you? When you say "had I not acted, I could see that X was going to happen" nobody has any reason to question that except basic skepticism, which they're probably willing to forego for a friend or family member. The husband was there. And he may not agree with the description of the tale, what necessarily would have happened, the value of her actions. If I were in that situation, I'd be quiet, too. What should he do, disagree with her while she's telling her triumphant tale? Pull her aside later and say "actually, I didn't see it that way"? Maybe the latter, but it's still asking for a fight. I'm sure he'd rather avoid it entirely.
Not definitely the case but it seems like a strong possibility to me.
posted by dreamsign at 10:35 PM on May 9, 2007
Well when you're telling the story you're framing it, aren't you? When you say "had I not acted, I could see that X was going to happen" nobody has any reason to question that except basic skepticism, which they're probably willing to forego for a friend or family member. The husband was there. And he may not agree with the description of the tale, what necessarily would have happened, the value of her actions. If I were in that situation, I'd be quiet, too. What should he do, disagree with her while she's telling her triumphant tale? Pull her aside later and say "actually, I didn't see it that way"? Maybe the latter, but it's still asking for a fight. I'm sure he'd rather avoid it entirely.
Not definitely the case but it seems like a strong possibility to me.
posted by dreamsign at 10:35 PM on May 9, 2007
"She didn't ask the question to get a round of applause and a pat on the back."
Of course she did. You've read the question, right?
posted by davy at 11:53 PM on May 9, 2007
Of course she did. You've read the question, right?
posted by davy at 11:53 PM on May 9, 2007
Rule number one: never volunteer. Rule number two: if you must volunteer, volunteer your OWN stuff and leave MINE alone.
When they go out does she look for people who might be robbers and invite them over? "Yoo-hoo, he bought another watch!"
I'm surprised he hasn't ditched her for it already. I think he should.
posted by davy at 11:59 PM on May 9, 2007
When they go out does she look for people who might be robbers and invite them over? "Yoo-hoo, he bought another watch!"
I'm surprised he hasn't ditched her for it already. I think he should.
posted by davy at 11:59 PM on May 9, 2007
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Sorry for not having the restraint to just flag and move on, but I didn't want to put this into that thread.
posted by peeedro at 11:45 AM on May 8, 2007