Whoa

January 27, 2009 1:35 AM

This made me say "whoa" out loud and count my blessings.

I'd suggest it for a sidebar, but I don't know what you'd clip without appearing to... somehow minimize the impact of the post.

So I brought it here.

posted by disillusioned to MetaFilter-Related at 1:35 AM (39 comments total)

Dee's accounts of her experiences during the siege of Sarajevo are testimony to her remarkable spirit and her extraordinary talents as a writer -- in a second language acquired as an adult, no less. Some of her posts were side-barred earlier, but here she's using her experience as a point of departure for giving some very good advice. So....Dee Sidebar, the Sequel, maybe?
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 2:21 AM on January 27, 2009

whoa, too.
posted by krautland at 5:36 AM on January 27, 2009

Also, why the hell do bad things always happen to such good people? Hadjiboy is one of the most genuinely caring and friendly people on this site, and yet he's the one who ends up getting hit and nearly killed by a drunk driver. Life's just not fair sometimes.
posted by burnmp3s at 6:29 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

That whole thread is fantastic...it sort of reminds me of the "what happened in your childhood that shaped who you are now?" one, except minus the bleakness and plus a generous helping of fortitude.
posted by kittyprecious at 6:35 AM on January 27, 2009

thanks burnmp3s, but not to remove the focus off of what Dee said, or many like her who have or have not written their stories here--I'm glad you guy's are with us and helping us spread the word... I thank you from the bottom of my heart--it gave me such spirit to have read your voices... :)
posted by hadjiboy at 6:58 AM on January 27, 2009

Hadjiboy is one of the most genuinely caring and friendly people on this site, and yet he's the one who ends up getting hit and nearly killed by a drunk driver.

To be honest, he has engaged in abusive behavior on MetaChat far too often for me to agree with that assessment. His months-long absence from the MetaUniverse was preceded by a threat to leave if people did not agree that this behavior was justified. Which he then did.

I'm really sorry to hear from him that his absence was not caused by pique as it initially appeared, but instead by a serious road traffic collision. No one deserves that. On the other hand I have become a bit weary of his attention-seeking behavior, and I know I am not the only one.
posted by grouse at 7:08 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

We interrupt the hadjiboy derail to rejoin the Dee lovefest already in progress.

I had no idea that this happened to you, Dee, and I am very glad you are having a safe and happy life now.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:12 AM on January 27, 2009

*backs out of room awkwardly*
posted by piratebowling at 7:16 AM on January 27, 2009

So....Dee Sidebar, the Sequel, maybe?

As with a lot of posters who have incredible life stories, we generally don't repeatedly pull out their commentary for sidearring. People are welcome to make Dee a contact and/or subscribe to her comments.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:26 AM on January 27, 2009

As with a lot of posters who have incredible life stories, we generally don't repeatedly pull out their commentary for sidbarring.

And, as with a lot of posters who have identities on other non-Metafilter sites, we generally don't bring up those non-MetaFilter activities on MetaFilter, especially as a MetaTalk callout.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:36 AM on January 27, 2009 [5 favorites]

"a threat to leave", are you kidding me grouse--is that what it sounded like--I'd meant for it to sound more like me holding on from next time on, before blowing my top off, which I honestly felt like I've only done with mudpuppie (and have felt bad ever since) and even more so than the accident happened...

grouse, seriously man, I'm sorry you felt like I was attention seeking back then, because--you're right--I was. But I'm not now, and everything I've told you since has no (hopefully) smell of my bloody carcass on it.

I felt lonely, and as if nobody understood me--but that all changed when I found you guys--and after reading your posts for a year, I finally got the money for an account--and what a gorgeos day that was.

Dee lovefest now continues, thanks Meatbomb
posted by hadjiboy at 8:07 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you say you've changed, then that's good enough for me, hadjiboy. Everyone deserves a fresh start.
posted by grouse at 8:15 AM on January 27, 2009

I'm gonna join piratebowling in that awkward backing-out thing.
posted by desuetude at 8:19 AM on January 27, 2009

Also, why the hell do bad things always happen to such good people?

Because bad things happen to everyone, is I think the credited response here.

Any more MetaChat stuff needs to go immediately to email, by the way. Please don't do that here.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:26 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, why the hell do bad things always happen to such good people?

Anything human can happen to any of us.
posted by scody at 8:48 AM on January 27, 2009

I happen to myself occasionally.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:53 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Because bad things happen to everyone, is I think the credited response here.

Yes. When bad things happen to bad people, that follows what we consider to be the natural order of things. In many cases, it barely registers.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:29 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is my happening and it freaks me out!
posted by klangklangston at 9:41 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Are we talking about that M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie? Or that old tee-vee show?
posted by owtytrof at 9:43 AM on January 27, 2009

Because bad things happen to everyone, is I think the credited response here.

Yeah, that was more of a rhetorical question. I'm well aware that the actual probability of a random accident happening has very little to do with how one lives one's life, but it's still depressing when somebody who's been called out multiple times for being a nice guy has something like that happen to him. Anyway, sorry for the derail, carry on.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:25 AM on January 27, 2009

Dee, I hope you've written extensively about your experiences, or plan to. I'm not sure if writing is cathartic and positive for you, but if it is, your life story and the experiences in it make for breathtaking reading, plus you write well.

If it's not (cathartic) - completely understandable, bien sur. But you have so many stories, so many lessons, so much insight that your writing could do so many people so much good. I love reading your comments because I feel like I learn something every time, and it puts a lot of things in my life into some serious perspective.
posted by ORthey at 11:05 AM on January 27, 2009

There are several posts like that from her. I think if you google her username and "parents" with site:metafilter.com you'll probably find most of them. I believe more than a few have been sidebarred too.
posted by damn dirty ape at 11:12 AM on January 27, 2009

Why do people tell someone who just barely survived something that they are lucky? Does that actually help? I think I'd be thinking I'd be luckier not to have the universe shatter my body to the point where survival was a near thing. I'd also be a little irked to be told I'm lucky by someone healthy who hadn't had the feeling of being betrayed by their body and/or were taking their health for granted.

On the other hand, I guess most of us are lucky not to have been born into war, turmoil, poverty, and lack of medical care.

In any case I wish DeeX and Hadjiboy (and Carabiner, DarlingBri, etc...) health, relief from pain, and mental peace now and in the future.
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:24 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Unexpected personal tragedies are frightening and awkward for friends and relatives of victims. They want to be helpful, but they really can't do anything but be there. They think that just being there isn't enough. They want to be useful. So they do and say useless and really annoying things. "You're lucky." "You're looking much better." "Look on the brightside, at least you'd don't have to worry about X" (often incorrect, and X is fully in play) "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll recover fully." "Everything happens for a reason." Or worst of all "You should have done Y differently." It's a good impulse to be aware of and to fight in yourself when/if you feel it. I don't say that stuff now. On the other hand, I find a nearly irresistible urge to laugh during funerals. Tough times bring out unique failures in people who mean well.
posted by Humanzee at 7:19 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Yeah, Humanzee, I usually stick to the most formulaic of condolences when talking to people who's loved ones have died so that I don't stick my foot in my mouth.

Actually, the last time I really stuck my foot in my mouth was telling someone who'd lost a lot of weight that they looked much better. Turned out they'd lost weight because of gastrointestinal cancer and had 6 months to live.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:38 PM on January 27, 2009

dear BrotherCaine,

Can you wish me health, relief from pain, and mental peace now and in the future as well?

thanks, lh.
posted by localhuman at 7:56 PM on January 27, 2009

Why do people tell someone who just barely survived something that they are lucky? Does that actually help?

DeeX told Hadjiboy that he was lucky to have his parents, and he is. When my mother killed herself, a few people told me I was lucky to have a great husband to take care of me, and a great little boy to take care of, and yes, it helped. It was sure as fuck better than the silence from all the people who didn't know what to say.
posted by zinfandel at 7:59 PM on January 27, 2009

Localhuman, sure.
posted by BrotherCaine at 8:38 PM on January 27, 2009

It was sure as fuck better than the silence from all the people who didn't know what to say.

Thanks, I'll bear that in mind next time someone needs reassurance from me.
posted by BrotherCaine at 8:41 PM on January 27, 2009

It made me say 'So?'
As long as there's glory in war, there's going to be war.
posted by jacalata at 10:00 PM on January 27, 2009

Anything human can happen to any of us.

Karma????!?
posted by gman at 8:35 AM on January 28, 2009

Count me in with the backed away slowly group. I've watched family die, multiple times. I don't have enough fingers to count on, old age, suicide, disease, drug ODs... Best Wishes go out.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:01 PM on January 28, 2009

Why do people tell someone who just barely survived something that they are lucky? Does that actually help? I think I'd be thinking I'd be luckier not to have the universe shatter my body to the point where survival was a near thing.

Speaking as someone who very nearly died a few years ago: well, yeah, I WAS lucky to survive. Change the circumstances slightly (a slightly worse bleeding problem, a slightly less experienced surgeon, or a slightly less-well-stocked blood bank) and I probably would have died. "The universe" didn't do anything to me; it just happened, and so thinking that I would have been luckier if it didn't happen was immediately and self-evidently pointless. It did happen, I could have died, and I didn't. I call that lucky!
posted by scody at 5:20 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't mean to be an asshole here, but why exactly has Dee's 'I nearly died, and went on' post been favorited a hundred times, when tales of equal pluck with less, ahem, political resonance have been fav'ed once or twice? I don't fully understand the psychology of the ol' '+' button but I've noticed this phenomenon before and can't help thinking it's at least partly a sort of rubbernecking - and unpleasant in a way.

That '+' is an odd little 75%-right tool.
posted by waxbanks at 6:59 PM on January 28, 2009

So for instance: this comment has a gajillion favorites, whereas this one - written six minutes later, markedly less sentimentally affecting, and vastly more informative on a topic about which nearly every single MeFite is absolutely ignorant - has not a single favorite.

Maybe the easiest explanation is right: if a post allows us to believe we've learned something when it's engaging us at the level of sentiment - cf. every single insipid Bush-bashing commonplace ever to accumulate a hundred favorites in a day around here - that plus button's gonna get a workout. This isn't to say Dee's story is unaffecting, only that...well, I think many readers' appreciation of her posts has nothing to do with her.
posted by waxbanks at 7:05 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

Waxbanks, your second link is borked, but I think most of us knew he had help hiding. It's not like it was a surprise.

Scody, did you have lingering repercussions from your near death experience that permanently altered your quality of life for the worse? If you didn't I'd still find your comment useful, but I'm just trying to get a frame of reference.

Actually I frequently reflect on how lucky I am, even when I'm having a crappy day with diabetes or other medical issues. However, I still might have a spark of resentment if someone else who was perfectly healthy came and told me I was lucky at a moment when I felt like crap. It being true doesn't change that sometimes its best not to be the one to say it. Similarly to how I told you so's are oft best left unspoken.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:25 PM on January 28, 2009

Scody, did you have lingering repercussions from your near death experience that permanently altered your quality of life for the worse? If you didn't I'd still find your comment useful, but I'm just trying to get a frame of reference.

Nothing permanent, though it did take a few months to recover physically. (And it took about a year or two to recover mentally, in some ways.)
posted by scody at 7:53 PM on January 28, 2009

Oh, and I have a couple of other slightly rare chronic conditions and some chronic pain, plus went through cancer treatment in my 20s, so I think that looking at things from the "well, at least I'm not DEAD" angle has become kind of my default state of mind.

However, I still might have a spark of resentment if someone else who was perfectly healthy came and told me I was lucky at a moment when I felt like crap.

Oh, absolutely! I'm happy to feel as lucky (or not) as I choose, but I do resent being told how to feel, especially when I'm in pain. I remember when I was going through radiation, and one woman telling me how lucky I was because the cancer would help keep me thin. And so she was lucky that I was too tired to slap her sunglasses right off her face.
posted by scody at 7:59 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

waxbanks, people like stories. Facts are important, vitally so, but people like stories of other human beings because, at some level, they resonate with us. Facts are interesting, but narrative compels. I've noticed the same phenomenon on Metafilter, but I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing. It's not all about mawkish sentimentality.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 3:58 PM on January 29, 2009