Alice & Kev Update October 1, 2009 5:10 AM   Subscribe

For those interested in the story of Alice & Kev (first brought to our attention on the blue in this FPP), the final post will be made this coming Monday, October 5th.

In case you've forgotten (or didn't catch it the first time around), here's an overview from the site:

"This is an experiment in playing a homeless family in The Sims 3. I created two Sims, moved them in to a place made to look like an abandoned park, removed all of their remaining money, and then attempted to help them survive without taking any job promotions or easy cash routes. It’s based on the old ‘poverty challenge’ idea from The Sims 2, but it turned out to be a lot more interesting with The Sims 3’s living neighborhood features."
posted by brandman to MetaFilter-Related at 5:10 AM (67 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

Very cool. I missed this FPP the first time around, thanks for the update.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:33 AM on October 1, 2009

My work's firewall has blocked the blog. Reason: "Games." Feh.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:41 AM on October 1, 2009

I run into that a lot, ocherdraco. I wish there was a distinction between games and games writing.
posted by owtytrof at 7:53 AM on October 1, 2009

Missed this the first time around, too. Thanks.
posted by jerseygirl at 8:29 AM on October 1, 2009

I'd forgotten about this shortly after it was first posted. Fun (and sad!) to get caught up, and now really looking forward to seeing how it ends up. Thanks for the update!
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:33 AM on October 1, 2009

Thanks for this. I really like it.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:55 AM on October 1, 2009

Oh my gosh! I just read the whole thing!

How sad! How disturbingly real it is, too.
posted by zizzle at 8:59 AM on October 1, 2009

Aaaaaaand now I'm crying at work. I totally forgot how realistic that blog was.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:56 AM on October 1, 2009

missed the first time around as well. It looks very interesting as does the Oblivion website link mentioned further on in the thread.
posted by Julnyes at 10:36 AM on October 1, 2009

posted by Halloween Jack at 11:18 AM on October 1, 2009

Thanks for the reminder. I love this blog.
posted by lholladay at 3:14 PM on October 1, 2009

The most recent one almost made me cry. I am not ashamed of this. I'm sad it's coming to an end, but understandable. My Sims 3 playtime has died off too ;)
posted by saturnine at 3:41 PM on October 1, 2009

Y'know, in the end this would have been a much more useful MeTa post if it had been made on or shortly after the last post had been made. Because now I've got to remember to revisit the site, instead of consuming it all in one swoop.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:09 AM on October 3, 2009



Well, duh.

Have you got my lightly stained lederhosen?

Uh, well I guess if you are blind and can't see me waving them in front of your face, yeah, duh.

Why do you belittle me in public like this?

More surreal that way, duh.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:50 AM on October 4, 2009

Oh god it is spreading.
posted by The Whelk at 11:52 AM on October 4, 2009

401. Look at the lederhosen. Consider whether they're lightly stained or lightly soiled. Tell the lobster what your conclusion is.
posted by Kattullus at 12:54 PM on October 4, 2009

402. The lobster soiled itself when it saw the light-weight lederhosen. A kerfuffle ensued in which there was much defenestration. In bed.
posted by wendell at 1:13 PM on October 4, 2009

403. The wrench cannot tell what the lobster is for.
posted by not_on_display at 2:03 PM on October 4, 2009

please commence defucking now

I cannot, in good conscience, support this move. If we have defucked, are we not less fucked? I may not be always be successful, but I strive to be more fucked. Therefore, I'm gonna have to recuse myself from this one. Take a little break, maybe toss the lederhosen in the washing machine, leave the lobster in her tank, take a nap, and catch up with you on the next thread.
posted by little e at 2:41 AM on October 5, 2009

I fucked the fuck out of that lobster. Wrapped it in duck tape and had my merry way. The juice stained, though only lightly, my lederhosen.
My hat fell off too and the little feather from the band.
(I promise you by the time I was done, you could not unfuck that lobster.)
posted by From Bklyn at 7:39 AM on October 5, 2009


I missed it. I missed the entangling of the surreal and the bizarre, and I stood there, outside the storefront where I could see the detritus of the event, sad and quiet and clutching my lobster to my side. I looked at her. "Well, at least I've got you, kid," I said, and headed off to find the next stop on the surrealism tour.

"Where are your lederhosen?" my lobster asked me as I ambled down the block.

"What do you mean?" I said. "I'm wearing them."

"Look at yourself." I did, and I saw I was naked.

"Goddammit," I said, picking up my pace so I could get indoors faster. "This is just not my day."
posted by ocherdraco at 10:18 AM on October 5, 2009

406. Before you close your eyes scan the room around you. If the lederhosen are in their place and unsoiled, rest easy. If the lederhosen are lightly soiled rest uneasy for that will be a sign that the lobster is coming for you. Avoid areas with heavy U.F.O. activity.
posted by Kattullus at 9:34 PM on October 5, 2009

407. Ok, so you know that feeling when it seems like you're awake, but you can't move, and out of the corner of your eye you see Pat Sajak taunting you? That's why we don't let badgers into the Giant Mushroom Forest anymore. Some people think this isn't relevant to the current discussion, so we'll just tack "+lobster" "+lederhosen" onto the end to foil any autodelete subroutines.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:26 PM on October 6, 2009

408. Harmonize all ye as the lobster beats a rhythmic tattoo on the lightly soiled lederhosen strung over the backs of the working man.
posted by Kattullus at 7:24 PM on October 6, 2009


Formula 409 was invented in 1957 by Morris D. Rouff (1909 – 1997).[lobster needed] Along with his brothers Samuel and Nathan, Rouff was a partner in Gem Products, a company from Detroit, Michigan, which manufactured industrial cleaning supplies. Formula 409’s original application was as a commercial solvent and degreaser for industries that struggled with particularly difficult cleaning problems. As a heavy-duty alkaline product, Formula 409 was harsher and more toxic than today’s residential cleaner, and was sold only in 40-gallon drums.[lederhosen needed]

Urban legend has it that the product is named for the birthday of the inventor's wife or daughter, or alternatively after a large, powerful engine found in Chevrolet cars at the time (as sung by the Beach Boys in their hit song, "409"). However, the product was actually named 409 because it took the inventors 409 tries to get the formula right.[I'd say a light soiling was needed, but the 409 took care of that, now didn't it?]
posted by ocherdraco at 8:49 PM on October 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

410. Why is the lobster awake? If you can answer that, I will clean your lightly-soiled lederhosen and destroy the incriminating pictures.
posted by Kattullus at 11:13 PM on October 10, 2009


Q: Why is the lobster awake?
A: To get to the other side.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:21 PM on October 10, 2009

412. Look at the lobster in its tank at the supermarket. Cry until you've lightly soiled your lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 4:29 PM on October 11, 2009

413. In Bizarro MetaFilter, the lederhosen are made of terrycloth and thoroughly Scotchguarded and the lobster is a vegetable grown in areas with low rainfall. And Soviet Russia is still Soviet Russia and it still surrealizes YOU.
posted by wendell at 8:49 PM on October 11, 2009

414. Shout at the lobster: "Break free! Break free! It is but a short scuttle back to the ocean." Your refusal to act yourself leaves your soul stained like a pair of lightly-soiled lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 10:31 PM on October 11, 2009


Have you considered what to feed the lobster? Up till now, you probably thought it survived on surrealism and air. But the lobster would have you know it needs more than that, thankyewverymuch. It's been trying to get your attention on the subject, dragging your lederhosen into the corner and peeing on them every morning. (The lobster would love it if it could speak. As it is, dragging things and peeing on them will have to do.) But, you filthy lobster-hater, your clothing habits haven't changed since college, and you just pick them up, and sniff them, and you put them on anyway, unless they smell particularly foul, in which case you reach for your Febreze.

The lobster is running out of options.

It would eat the lederhosen, or something else you've left strewn across the floor, but, in light of your aforementioned hygiene: ew. It can't open the kitchen cabinets, and, in any case, it's watched as you open the refrigerator and it knows that you only have soy sauce, ketchup, and Diet Coke in there anyway.

That's why the lobster has come to me: I'm Pat M. Sajak, the lobster whisperer. (I know, I know; his middle name's Leonard, mine's Michael, and in any case I'm older, so I had the name first. Now shove it.) I'm not like those other whisperers you've heard of, because the lobster ain't your pet. (I imagine those other whisperers wouldn't have you held up against a wall by your neck, like I've got you, either.) So: feed your goddam lobster, or you're going to have more to worry about than whether you're the only one who notices that the Febreze doesn't get the smell out so good. Got it kid?

Shit. You've peed yourself. That's gonna stain.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:56 PM on October 12, 2009

416. Underestimate the lobster, it won't hurt, in a fight between an adult human and a supermarket tank lobster the worst outcome possible for the human is that his lederhosen will get lightly soiled.
posted by Kattullus at 7:58 AM on October 13, 2009

417. I have placed the lobster in the room with the cat who is wearing lederhosen. I do not know why I did this. I knew it had to be done.
posted by The Whelk at 8:02 AM on October 13, 2009

in a fight between an adult human and a supermarket tank lobster the worst outcome possible for the human is that his lederhosen will get lightly soiled

418. Fuckin' right, man, I can totally see that lobster just getting the shit beaten out of it. Just watch for the claws, but reach around grab it by the tail and then just fucking swing it like a club, that thing is toast man, ka-ching, like ther'es literally shit and stuff all getting beaten out of it, VICTORY you da man!!!
posted by Meatbomb at 10:08 AM on October 13, 2009

419. "Houston, we have a lobster."

"Roger that."

"Soiling the Lederhosen... now."

posted by not_on_display at 5:02 AM on October 15, 2009 [2 favorites]



—What, man?

—I think I'm a lobster.

—Naw, man, you're just high.

—So I'm not wearing lederhosen?

—I said you were high, not out of your mind. You are wearing lederhosen. See right there where you wiped the Cheez Doodle dust on them?

—Dude. Cheez Doodles. . . Are you hungry?
posted by ocherdraco at 8:42 AM on October 15, 2009

420. Dude, that'd make an awesome commercial. Lobster Chips won't get doodle dust on your leder hosen! 'ere, pass this over to Terry... HEY TERRY!! Wake & bake, dude!
posted by not_on_display at 10:04 AM on October 15, 2009 [1 favorite]


You miss the lobster, and whatever it was planning to do to your lederhosen.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:19 AM on October 19, 2009

422. The lobster is a slow reader but it won't release the book from its claws until it has finished or fallen asleep. Tell it offhandedly that the lederhosen are lightly soiled. This will gnaw at it until it'll go gather laundry and put a load in the washing machine. You should use the opportunity to claim the book for yourself.
posted by Kattullus at 5:43 AM on October 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I want to be surreal
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you

The I WANT TO BE SURREAL LYRICS are © of the respective authors, artists and labels, the lyrics are provided for masturbation purposes only. If you like the song, please buy psychedelic bubble spiral to support Ten Years After Dada True Crimes Prevention Unit.

This message is SURREaL. It may also be privileged or otherwise protected by work product immunity or other IOC rules. If you have received it by mistake, please let Mark Hamil know by e-mail reply and delete it from your system; you may not copy this message or hack open the giraffe to inspect it's innards during an augury, no matter what anyone says - even if the shaman was absolutely certain he saw the eagle eating a snake at dawn. Please send us by fax any lederhosen containing simulated lederhosen poop smear as incoming e-mail are not screened for simulated lederhosen poop smear special rotating klaxon updaters. The integrity and security of this message cannot be guaranteed on the Internet.

WARNING: Computer viruses and malicious parasitic brainworms can and most certainly will be transmitted via this post. The recipient should check this small and flaccid "item" and any attachments for the presence of viruses and/or parasitic brainworms - and you can rest assured that you will find them, it's our guarantee to you as a valued customer. The company accepts no liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by this post, and only limited "ha ha fuck you" liability caused by any parasitic brainworm infestation. E-mail transmission cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error-free as information could be intercepted, snorted, snarfed, lost, destroyed, arrive late, be incomplete, just generally be all fucked up, or contain viruses (and parasitic brainworms). The sender therefore does not accept liability for any errors or omissions or the general fuckedupness in the contents of this SURREaL message, which arise as a result of this post being designed specifically to act as a condiut for brainworm infestation.

posted by Meatbomb at 6:10 AM on October 19, 2009 [2 favorites]

Oh no, if we could get a mod to edit that plesae? Of course I didn't mean to say "condiut", any right thinker knows that I really menat "trojan horse".
posted by Meatbomb at 6:15 AM on October 19, 2009

424. You'll have to pull aggro on the Greater Lobsters in the Bubble Spiral which will mostly drop lobster tails which you can return to Pat Sajack in return for some XP and gold pieces. However, as a rare drop, you will sometimes get Light Lederhosen +3 vs soiling. Wear these in the Giant Mushroom forest, because of the danger of, well, you know.
posted by empath at 5:38 PM on October 19, 2009

425. Wash the lightly soiled lederhosen gently. The lobster will consider it an insult but there are some things you have to stand firm on, the hell with cultural sensitivity.
posted by Kattullus at 8:31 PM on October 19, 2009

426. Lightly Soiled Lederhosen Lobster has been shipped to our troops in Sajakistan and is also being dropped by our warplanes on the Bubble Spiral. Do not taunt Lightly Soiled Lederhosen Lobster.

Oh, by the way, Kev & Alice has ended. Lederhosen.
posted by not_on_display at 9:06 PM on October 19, 2009

427. Who's got poop stain? Poopy poopy poop stain! Stinky poopy poopy poo!
Smell your lederhosen, maybe it's you!
Who's got poop stain? Poopy poopy poop stain! Simulated icky stinky poopy poopy poo!
Wash your lobster! Wash your lobster!
Best to be sure, and maybe he do!

This entry shall be sung to the tune of Niel Sedaka's classic socialist march "Oh! Carol" accompanied by the bubble spiral, duh. I did not ask you if it fit the meter, and if you tell me it is impossible well then I hear Linda Ronstadt is looking for backup singers.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:46 AM on October 20, 2009


Wish the lobster a Happy Birthday, and give it a pair of lightly soiled lederhosen as a present. It looks at you, and says, "But I'm not Andrew."
posted by ocherdraco at 10:53 AM on October 21, 2009


Some people think that there is such a thing as too much surrealism, but fortunately they've all been properly sucked into the bubble spiral and won't be bothering us anymore, hey? wiunk, wiunk.

For those of us who have survived, let us give thanks to the great lobster from which all comes, and to which all eventually returns. We give thanks in the way of the elder race, resplendent in our naugahyde Bavarian lederhosen - we remember that the gold piping symbolizes our debt of life to the IOC and Pat Sajak. We honour them through the ritual of staining, and then drycleaning. We recount their great deeds when we ride through the giant mushroom forest.

For all of these things we will pay dearly on the day of reckoning, and we will snort and snarf when our time is done.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:49 AM on October 22, 2009

430. The lobster holds the copyright in its left claw but gives it to you with its right claw, because it's amused by your lightly-soiled lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 9:22 AM on October 22, 2009

I am in Berlin
drinking beer in a shack
made of garage door pieces, 2x4s, and black plastic sheeting
next door is another shack
inside someone is welding
there is also an art gallery
that smells like urine
I thought you should know
ps I tried to go to the sex store
but I got lost
but soon I go to Amsterdam
where I should be able to make up for it
posted by little e at 1:06 PM on October 24, 2009

431: Consider the lobster. Okay, now eat it. Raw. Your Lederhosen may get soiled.
posted by The Whelk at 1:37 PM on October 24, 2009

432. Always afford the lobster the kindest cut, straight down the middle of its head, killing it instantly. Don't puff about with refrigerators and pots, you might as well wipe your tears in your lederhosen, lightly soiling them.
posted by Kattullus at 9:08 AM on October 25, 2009

433. Lose track of thread. When track is well and truly lost, blow up lobster with 65-year old mine. At sound of explosion, soil lederhosen.
posted by dersins at 4:06 PM on October 26, 2009

434. The lobster shouldn't show its art to others if it can't take even the lightest of criticism without soiling a pair of lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 4:31 PM on October 26, 2009

435. In keeping with traditional practice, entry 435 will offer a promotion / critique of its precedent.
  • Notice that the lobster is an artist. Pretty surreal, eh? Melting clocks have nothing on us.
  • Do you see how there is a joke about the lobster having a poop in its pants? And how it also refers to lederhosen, which is a running gag in this little list? I am sure you would agree that is nifty and good, right?
  • See how it is so short (only one sentence) and yet it includes all the required elements of the cannon? That is what makes Kattullus such an excellent surrealist, and why he is always considered the "excellent surrealist" of the group. Excellent surrealism, eh?
posted by Meatbomb at 5:49 PM on October 26, 2009

436. Ahem, thank you, Bill, that was a ... an interesting presentation. Back to business! Next on the agenda, for the next fifteen minutes, we are dancing on the conference table to Yakkety Sax, while Lou--Lou, you run around the table dressed in this lobster costume, spilling butter everywhere. And, Helmut, you have to sit in... this chair. And push your seat out, closer to the window. Seat outgepushen, helmut, ya? Goot. Ready?
posted by not_on_display at 6:47 PM on October 26, 2009 [1 favorite]


Q: Is the beetroot surreal?
A: No, it is clear through careful introspection that the beetroot is not surreal in any significant way.

Q: And what of the lobster? Is the lobster not of a type with the beetroot?
A: It would initially seem that if the beetroot is not surreal, then surely the lobster must also share this trait. After careful contemplation, though, and by going step by step through the standard thought experiments, we must conclude that the lobster can, in specific instances, be categorized as surreal.

Q: Is that because of the simulated poop-smear lederhosen rotating klaxon?
A: Most certainly, yes.

Q: What other items that would on first inspection be non-surreal also exhibit this quality?
A: Mark Hamil, bubble spiral, Pat Sajak (and, by extension, the IOC), roofing contractors, militarized giraffes, et al.

Q: And if the bubble spitral is removed from the equation?
A: This case is left as an exercise for the reader.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:17 AM on October 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

438. Put the lobster in charge of driving the train. Get on board wearing lederhosen. When you lightly soil them in terror they will be easy to wash, should you survive getting on a train driven by a lobster.
posted by Kattullus at 6:36 AM on October 28, 2009


Get out your gramophone, throw on an LP of The Lobsterman's Blues, and wail along:
duh nuh nuh duh duh
I lost my baby lobster
duh nuh nuh duh duh
It meant so much to me
duh nuh nuh duh duh
In its dirty lederhosen
duh nuh nuh duh duh
It was swept out to sea

I got the blues, baby,
the lobsterman's blues
The lobster will look at you strangely, since it is in fact sitting right there next to you, and it will go back to the Sunday puzzle and its coffee, shaking its head at your oddness.

Its lederhosen are dirty, though. You are just trying to give it a hint.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:31 AM on October 28, 2009

Hey guys, can you explain what you're doing in this thread, without being clever? Thanks.
posted by roll truck roll at 10:06 AM on October 29, 2009

This is The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen. There's an index on my profile page.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:15 AM on October 29, 2009

The heat will hit you like a punch - a fist in a warm towel. Stick the lobster down your pants, bind the claws, the big nippers, first or, well - in fact it's not a bad idea to wrap the damn thing in a sock first anyway otherwise your nice leather pants are going to get seriously soiled. So, dressed, go out, stand in the middle of the late-afternoon sun backed street throw your head back and howl for all you're worth. A car will crash into you and send you flying and until you hit the curb it'll all be really really really alright. Then it won't but hey such is fucking life, fucker.
posted by From Bklyn at 10:33 AM on October 29, 2009

posted by ocherdraco at 11:45 AM on October 29, 2009

441. ←
posted by dersins at 11:48 PM on October 29, 2009

442. ≠ Lobster or Pat Sayechek
posted by From Bklyn at 12:48 AM on October 30, 2009

443. Once the lobster wakes up, inform it that you forgot to do laundry yesterday and that all you have available that covers up human nether parts is a pair of lightly soiled lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 4:32 AM on October 30, 2009

Se, guys, that's what I'm talking about - that's fucking pure unadulterated surrealism right there. So look, what you are doing is great, and we all really love it! And yeah, just be a bit more like Kattallus, OK, thanks!
posted by Meatbomb at 6:40 AM on October 30, 2009

444. Repeat a number to a lobster, increasing your voice each time, until you lose control of your mouth and let spittle fly, lightly soiling your lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 11:17 PM on October 30, 2009

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