"Safe space," y'all. December 13, 2010 10:53 AM   Subscribe

This just made my day. Hope it outpaces the "how do I get rid of a dead body" question in social/cultural MeFi importance.

I love that people feel like they can Ask Metafilter about these things. Funny and heartbreaking and sometimes both at the same time.
posted by liketitanic to MetaFilter-Related at 10:53 AM (124 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

Now this is what the anonymous account is all about.
posted by theodolite at 10:56 AM on December 13, 2010


And thanks, jessamyn, for introducing "the unfortunate 'butt crayon' effect" to the list of phrases I'm delighted to have encountered.
posted by theodolite at 11:00 AM on December 13, 2010 [18 favorites]


Yes. I think this means MetaFilter's work on god's good earth is done. Thanks everyone. Godspeed.
posted by R. Mutt at 11:03 AM on December 13, 2010


How am I supposed to help when Anonymous didn't mention whether they stand up to wipe or stay sitting?
posted by carsonb at 11:05 AM on December 13, 2010 [4 favorites]


Wow. I'd missed the 'butt crayon' comment. That's quite the phrase, that is.
posted by rmd1023 at 11:08 AM on December 13, 2010


You can sing "Unfortunate Butt Crayon" to the tune of "Unfortunate Miss Bailey", you know.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:10 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


[more outside]
posted by mattdidthat at 11:11 AM on December 13, 2010 [15 favorites]


I am having trouble not getting the giggles.
posted by kalessin at 11:13 AM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


A MeFite quite anonymous
Made bold to share an issue
He found that not quite all his poo
Was captured by his tissue
His underpants betrayed the stains
Or else the sheets he lay on
But jessamyn addressed his pains
By naming them "butt crayon."

Oh, butt crayon! Unfortunate butt crayon!

posted by Sidhedevil at 11:15 AM on December 13, 2010 [18 favorites]


let us also praise notsnot for using the descriptive term "a prairie-dog situation."
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:16 AM on December 13, 2010 [7 favorites]


"Shit happens."
posted by kalessin at 11:16 AM on December 13, 2010


When using the "butt crayon" make sure to color within the lines.
posted by arveale at 11:18 AM on December 13, 2010


let us also praise notsnot for using the descriptive term "a prairie-dog situation."

It took me a minute to figure out what the heck that meant. And I've lived in a city with a serious prairie dog problem. :P
posted by zarq at 11:18 AM on December 13, 2010


Harry Potter And The Unfortunate 'Butt Crayon' Effect
posted by mintcake! at 11:20 AM on December 13, 2010 [8 favorites]


Add to this adding more fiber to your diet

In other words, be smart from the very beginning.
posted by bondcliff at 11:21 AM on December 13, 2010 [5 favorites]


I thought that phenomenon was known as a "turtle head situation."
posted by Gator at 11:21 AM on December 13, 2010


I see a lot of comments about baby wipes, but how does someone who doesn't carry a purse or anything European store even an envelope of baby wipes?
posted by DU at 11:27 AM on December 13, 2010


DU, they come individually wrapped so you can put one or two in a pocket.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:29 AM on December 13, 2010


A Series of Unfortunate Effects: The Bewildering Butt-Crayon.
posted by Zozo at 11:29 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


"El Crayolazo" is, and has been for as long as I can remember, standard Mexican Spanish for the graphical effects of crayola turds.

Do you see it now? There IS a Language Instinct.
posted by Dr. Curare at 11:29 AM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


Well, now you've ruined another book I read to my nieces. Now it's going to be Harold And The Brown Crayon.
posted by mattdidthat at 11:30 AM on December 13, 2010 [4 favorites]


I learn many things when reading Metafilter, even when I don't want to.
posted by nomadicink at 11:31 AM on December 13, 2010 [6 favorites]


DU, they come individually wrapped so you can put one or two in a pocket.

Wow. And the negative review on that is hilarious. "They need to come in a Kleenex pop-up container." <--Has never heard of babies.
posted by DU at 11:32 AM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


Unfortunate Butt Crayon
prairie-dog situation
turtle head situation


This is the second time that Metafilter has indirectly referenced the Austin Powers trilogy today. Previously, concerning Nehru jackets and now with the poop jokes.

That will be all, Metafilter.

I am disappoint.
posted by Phyltre at 11:34 AM on December 13, 2010


It took me a minute to figure out what the heck that meant. And I've lived in a city with a serious prairie dog problem. :P

Do you work in a laundromat?
posted by doublehappy at 11:37 AM on December 13, 2010


Do you work in a laundromat?

No, an actual prairie dog problem. Not euphemistically.
posted by zarq at 11:43 AM on December 13, 2010




It's a pity the Saw franchise seems to have called it quits, I bet there was quite a "world record levels of cringeworthy" trap to be done involving the shaving your anus idea.
posted by Iosephus at 11:44 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Dammit, mattdidthat.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:44 AM on December 13, 2010


Harry Potter And The Unfortunate 'Butt Crayon' Effect

Hairy Pooper?
posted by ghharr at 11:48 AM on December 13, 2010


Harry Potter And The Unfortunate 'Butt Crayon' Effect

Expelliarmus!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:50 AM on December 13, 2010 [10 favorites]


No, an actual prairie dog problem. Not euphemistically.

Every picture on that wikipedia page looks suggestive now.
posted by doublehappy at 11:55 AM on December 13, 2010


posted by ghharr Hairy Pooper?

...and the Sorcerer's Stain.
posted by mattdidthat at 11:57 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm surprised nobody's got anything to say about that first comment. Really? Your friend's cock is so big that he can't reach to wipe his ass?
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:05 PM on December 13, 2010 [9 favorites]


This is one of those questions where I wrote my answer, and proceeded to hover over the "submit" button for far too long. It's one of those things that I have strong feelings about - but I'm not entirely comfortable attaching those strong feelings to my metafilter username. This website, probably more than anything else on earth, will prevent me from successfully running for public office. Maybe that's a good thing.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 12:07 PM on December 13, 2010


Thanks for giving me the heads-up about this one. Now that's what AskMe is for.
posted by Decani at 12:11 PM on December 13, 2010



I'm surprised nobody's got anything to say about that first comment. Really? Your friend's cock is so big that he can't reach to wipe his ass?


Makes sense if "equipment" is a spare tire.
posted by ghharr at 12:12 PM on December 13, 2010


I'm surprised nobody's got anything to say about that first comment. Really? Your friend's cock is so big that he can't reach to wipe his ass?

They were serious at the time; thinking back now, they were probably just getting defensive when I was pointing out to them their unclean habits. (Not having grown up with brothers, I'd never even heard of skid marks until college.)
posted by Melismata at 12:17 PM on December 13, 2010


My ex-husband and his father created their own lingo: poos that come out clean, requiring little to no wiping, are "angels." The opposite of angels are (wait for it) "sinners" -- no matter how many times you wipe, you never feel clean.
posted by Majorita at 12:17 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


Klingons.


I have now revealed too much about The Brother.

Also, Baby_Balrog, if you think skidmarks are not a part of life, I strongly encourage you not to have children or care for the elderly.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:21 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


My ex-husband and his father created their own lingo ...

Why is this topic such a fascination for some people?
posted by Melismata at 12:26 PM on December 13, 2010


poos that come out clean, requiring little to no wiping
Also known as a "flawless victory".
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 12:38 PM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


Which I guess would mean the other sort are more of a Pyrrhic victory.
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 12:39 PM on December 13, 2010


The moment I knew that I was not as big a loser as I might have imagined:

Junior year in high school. . .Junior Varsity baseball, dressing in the locker room before-hand. They only guy who ever made Student Body President as a junior, starter on the Varsity basketball team, and someone who today is a sitting Superior Court judge in California, slips off his boxers and I notice, as Wikipedia puts is, a visible feces stain on the fabric in the appropriate anatomical location.

Of course I don't say anything (although if it would have been ME with the skid mark, it may have incited some verbal or maybe even physical abuse). But since he was such a luminary, it could and would be overlooked.

But lo these many years later, I still have this in my memory.

Skidmark as talisman.
posted by Danf at 12:41 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


As a male, I'd just like to go on record as saying that I think this whole topic is sort of disgusting, and when I started hearing people talk about 'skid marks' later in life I was somewhat horrified. So. Nothing against the poster, though – it's good to recognize it as a problem and seek some improvement – but the celebration of all this, well. Let's just say it's not a male thing, and leave it at that.
posted by koeselitz at 12:44 PM on December 13, 2010


let us also praise notsnot for using the descriptive term "a prairie-dog situation."

Aha. What our household calls "turtling."

poos that come out clean, requiring little to no wiping, are "angels."

I think everyone knows these are called "ghost poos". As in, you're not sure if it was really there, or even actually happened.

I wonder why I feel no qualm about discussing turtlehead and ghost poo in MeTa, but in the actual AskMe I was too squeamish to speculate that the skidmark is the result of, not some inability to look for a clean wipe, but instead of "a bad pinch," i.e. there was still work left undone in the passing.
posted by pineapple at 12:49 PM on December 13, 2010


Let's just say it's not a male thing, and leave it at that.

It may not be a koeselitz thing, but let me assure you it is definitely a male thing. I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo. She might have reluctantly wandered into one, out of sheer humanity or just being game enough, but I lived in both a girls' dormitory and a sorority house, and I swear this conversation was never initiated.

Whereas, my brother, husband, and the husbands of my friends are willing to launch into this conversation at any time at all.
posted by pineapple at 12:52 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Hope it outpaces the "how do I get rid of a dead body" question in social/cultural MeFi importance.
Not a chance. It's good but c'mon.
posted by empyrean at 12:54 PM on December 13, 2010


My roommate and I had some friends over the other night, and we had this book sitting on our coffee table. Needless to say, we had an entire evening of drunken poo stories. It was wonderful.
posted by auto-correct at 1:01 PM on December 13, 2010


I've always called it the "headless corpse rolled up in the rug and stuffed in the trunk of the car" effect.

I usually fix it with a combination of a deeply dug hole, scrubbing the area thoroughly, and using cleaning wipes to get rid of anything that might leave marks.

Wait, what are we talking about again?
posted by quin at 1:02 PM on December 13, 2010 [4 favorites]


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo. She might have reluctantly wandered into one, out of sheer humanity or just being game enough, but I lived in both a girls' dormitory and a sorority house, and I swear this conversation was never initiated.

OK, I'm never ever supposed to tell this story (without her present is how I usually amend that rule) but one summer at church camp my best friend, a notorious female and the camp director, waddled out of the counselors' cabin bathroom and said to me excitedly, You've gotta see this! Intriguing, no? She figured she'd set a world record for longest shit and had to show somebody—her doo sat neatly coiled around the bowl in a tidy, unbroken spiraling pyramid formation and it was HUGE. She was very proud and I wanted to go get my camera, but I didn't have time because she hadn't wanted to cover it up and so hadn't wiped yet.
posted by carsonb at 1:03 PM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


I think everyone knows these are called "ghost poos".

Not so! The "ghost poo" is the one wher you feel the bugger come out, you hear the splash, but when you look THERE'S NOTHING VISIBLE IN THE BOWL. (Cue twilight zone music)

"Angel poo" is indeed the correct term for the turd that results in no mark on the first sheet of paper.
posted by Decani at 1:07 PM on December 13, 2010 [4 favorites]


The poopie list. This should answer all the vocabulary questions.
posted by Melismata at 1:12 PM on December 13, 2010


Decani, I will have to consult the aforementioned "What's Your Poo Telling You?" then.
posted by pineapple at 1:23 PM on December 13, 2010


Ok, I know I'm going to regret this, but I am really not getting the prairie dog/turtle head thing. Could someone, uh, be a little more descriptive?

o god i'm really going to have to bleach my brain after i get my answer, aren't i
posted by badgermushroomSNAKE at 1:25 PM on December 13, 2010


If one googles "unfortunate butt crayon," the first two sites are this and the original post. So there is no band by that name, nor was Unfortunate Butt Crayon an assassin on par with John Wilkes Booth or Mark David Chapman, apparently.
posted by Danf at 1:26 PM on December 13, 2010


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo.

Do you know how I know that you aren't friends with my mother or sister?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:37 PM on December 13, 2010 [4 favorites]


Ok, I know I'm going to regret this, but I am really not getting the prairie dog/turtle head thing.

Imagine a turtle sticking it's head slowly out of its shell.

Now, the turtle is a poop. The shell is a butt.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:42 PM on December 13, 2010 [6 favorites]


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo.

HEY THERE NICE TO MEET YOU
posted by liketitanic at 1:45 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


Another illustration of 'turtle head'. [WARNING: Rob Lowe]
posted by carsonb at 1:46 PM on December 13, 2010


Nthing the "butt crayon effect." I don't know why that makes sense, but it does. I am laughing at this now.

Now, can someone explain to me notsnot's comment: "Shit at the first urge, not the seventeenth, when you've got a prairie-dog situation."

Actually, I just got it. Fuck. Thank you for pointing out this question.
posted by marxchivist at 1:47 PM on December 13, 2010


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo.

See now, this is why anecdotal information is generally so flawed.
posted by kalessin at 1:47 PM on December 13, 2010


posted by cortex Imagine a turtle sticking its head slowly out of its shell

If you want a vision of the pooper, imagine a turtle sticking its head slowly out of its shell--forever.
posted by mattdidthat at 1:53 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo.

I'm female, and my sister and I, when we're chatting on the phone, almost always end up in some sort of poo discussion. It's uncanny. I'd pretend to be embarassed about it because it seems like the socially acceptable thing to do, but really, I'm not. I admit, here on The Internet, that I am a willing participant in poop discussions.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 1:59 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


Why is this topic such a fascination for some people?

Because we all do it frequently. In fact, it's one of the most important thing we do in our lives. That means that the minutiae will be discussed. Poopin' is to all humans as Star Wars cannon is to Star Wars nerds. If you're not a poop nerd, then I say you're not paying enough attention.

I think everyone knows these are called "ghost poos".

I understood a ghost poo to be one that you feel come out, but slips down the hole (or whatever happens), leaving no evidence. I guess both forms of ghost poo would have to occur for it to be a true ghost poo.
posted by cmoj at 2:05 PM on December 13, 2010


pineapple: “It may not be a koeselitz thing, but let me assure you it is definitely a male thing. I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo. She might have reluctantly wandered into one, out of sheer humanity or just being game enough, but I lived in both a girls' dormitory and a sorority house, and I swear this conversation was never initiated. Whereas, my brother, husband, and the husbands of my friends are willing to launch into this conversation at any time at all.”

My ex-wife's mother used to talk all the time about it: when it'd happen, what the texture was like, whether it was healthy or not. I know entirely too much about her bowel movements, even today. I know, for example, that from the time the ex-wife was in kindergarten all the way up to when she graduated high school, one of her mother's favorite parts of the day was right after she'd gotten her daughter off to school, the coffee'd kick in, and she'd go and take a nice, healthy poo. She'd talk about whether it floated, she'd talk about what she'd eaten and how that impacted its size and shape.

She was divorced when I knew her. I lived with my ex-wife (my then wife, who was an only child) and her mother for some time, in fact, and they'd both talk about it – no other man in the house but me. And they'd laugh at me for being so damned squeamish.

I guess you're suggesting that they didn't actually like talking about their poo but were just trying to humiliate me, and that I am actually secretly a woman. I'm pretty sure the second point isn't likely, although I suppose the first would make a lot of sense.
posted by koeselitz at 2:11 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


This seems an appropriate place to mention my affection for the following children's books: The Butt Book and Poop Happened!: A World History From the Bottom Up. And, of course, who could forget Everyone Poops?

(There is a part of me that is five years old and is secretly delighted that this seems to be an entire genre of children's literature.)
posted by ocherdraco at 2:29 PM on December 13, 2010


roger ackroyd: "let us also praise notsnot for using the descriptive term "a prairie-dog situation.""

You haven't seen Rat Race, have you?
posted by IndigoRain at 2:38 PM on December 13, 2010


Man, where's that AskMe thread where that guy wanted to find the best way to give dietary advice to someone grunting and straining in the men's room stall next to his at work? That thread was golden.

Oh, here it is. Shame that one poster's suggestion to send a company-wide e-mail was (understandably) deleted, because that made me tear up with laughter.

As far as "ghost poo" versus "angel poo" goes, the now-archived Profanisaurus has a lot of helpful terminology on the subject, and confirms the definition of the former as "n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:40 PM on December 13, 2010


posted by cortex Imagine a turtle sticking its head slowly out of its shell

I love how you fix his typos when you quote him.

You are welcome for unfortunate butt-crayon effect

Some people are just poop-talkers.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:40 PM on December 13, 2010


Cortex: Now, the turtle is a poop. The shell is a butt.
Carsonb: Another illustration of 'turtle head'.

Well. That explains that. Now I am going to be entirely too conscious of turtle heads for the next week or so. Man, that $5 was so worth it. Or something...
posted by badgermushroomSNAKE at 2:41 PM on December 13, 2010


I think it was Adam Carolla who said something like, "My ass is so hairy it's like cleaning peanut butter out of a shag carpet."

Thank you for posting this to the gray. I couldn't post that wonderful comment to the green.
posted by Splunge at 2:41 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo.

On a fairly regular basis I announce to my husband "I've got to go take a crap as big as your head."

At my last job a woman used to come up to use the one-seater around the corner from me and took great glee in stopping by to let me know she was about to stink up "my" bathroom. I can also remember having a couple of humorous exchanges with her about corn and peanuts.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:50 PM on December 13, 2010


What is it about converts that makes them the most radical proselytizers? Having lived in sin and darkness, the light burns that much stronger in their hearts?

I just have to tell you people: TOILET PAPER IS A SCAM FIGHT THE POWER!
posted by Meatbomb at 2:54 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Nor wonder how I lost my wits;
Oh! Caelia, Caelia, Caelia shits!

Jonathan Swift in "Cassinus and Peter"

posted by Crabby Appleton at 3:03 PM on December 13, 2010


My family is heavy into the poop talk. It's scared off more than one SO. But I have never heard of these ghost poos or angel poos! In my family, it was always called a one-wiper. And the opposite is the "I give up. Shower time".

I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo.

My mom, my brother and my sister all have been known to call me just to tell me about their poop. They even call me mid-delivery and give me a play by play. It's really not OK. Being the youngest sucks sometimes. Shitty, even.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 3:24 PM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


The problem (?) with this stuff is it makes me -- and many others, I am sure -- think "Hey, this is some good advice. I should totally ask about my disgusting problem," and off I go mentally composing a question about something that happened to my own parts in 1993, and is it proper for a young lady to, ~ etc? And next time I am told of a friend's bowel troubles I will helpfully volunteer where to take $5 in order to fix the problem. Poo talk begets poo talk.
posted by kmennie at 3:33 PM on December 13, 2010


Gah. This is ridiculous. Where is Rory Marinich?
posted by koeselitz at 3:46 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's called a "peeping turtle"

Nuff said.
posted by pearlybob at 3:52 PM on December 13, 2010


Oh my God. At all of you.
posted by empyrean at 4:01 PM on December 13, 2010


Best line, hands down:

If there's anything I've learned from AskMeFi, it's that you should NEVER EVER SHAVE YOUR ANUS.
posted by pecanpies at 4:07 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


The mister and I announce bathroom breaks with a fake operatic "Gotta Pooooop!"

I can't believe I'm admitting to that on MetaFilter.
posted by deborah at 4:07 PM on December 13, 2010


Yeah, where IS Rory???
posted by fernabelle at 4:23 PM on December 13, 2010


one of her mother's favorite parts of the day was right after she'd gotten her daughter off to school, the coffee'd kick in, and she'd go and take a nice, healthy poo.

My brother calls this the C.I.D. (pronounced "kid")—the Coffee-Induced Dump.

It's counterpart is the N.I.D. (Nicotine-Induced Dump).

You're welcome. The more I share, the less I have to carry these pieces of knowledge around alone.

I guess you're suggesting that [the women] didn't actually like talking about their poo but were just trying to humiliate me, and that I am actually secretly a woman. I'm pretty sure the second point isn't likely, although I suppose the first would make a lot of sense.

I should clarify: It's not that I think women can't/don't initiate poo conversations. I just wanted to reject koeselitz's theory that it is Not a Male Thing, since in my (obviously anecdotal) experience, it most definitely is.

To circle back to jessamyn's point: some people are just poop-talkers. Clearly it can be males or females.
posted by pineapple at 4:38 PM on December 13, 2010


There's this came you play with a group of friends where you make up fake definitions for dictionary words and only one person has the real definition. Well, I have been, and will always be, a) immature and b) scatalogical; this was in junior high so multiply that by a factor of ten; so of course I abandoned any desire to win for reals and instead made up a definition related to poop for each word. My friends got annoyed with me because I was defeating the purpose of the game, which was not to make up shit-related word definitions.

So I said, "Okay, okay, I'm quitting, I promise."

And I swear to God, the next word I got was 'dingleberry.' I fled from a torrent of pillows for the dictionary, but even with this evidence I was in trouble.
posted by angrycat at 4:45 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


(oh and I'm female, which was the point of that anecdote)
posted by angrycat at 4:53 PM on December 13, 2010


Mitchell and Webb - Touching Cloth.
posted by Sparx at 4:58 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Oh yes, the seekrit family poop language. My weirdo uncles like to refer to the ominous intestinal thunder of an impending poop as "The Rumble in the Jungle".
posted by elizardbits at 5:01 PM on December 13, 2010


where you make up fake definitions for dictionary words

Balderdash! Was the name of the game, I'm not calling bullshit like an oil tycoon. It was a great game, totally pure in concept, and I have wonderful fond memories of playing it with the family growing up. (One time, early on, we got through a whole round, Dad reading off all the definitions and us all voting on which was probably real, and then we were like, okay Dad, which one is it? And he's like, which one is what? The real definition, Dad. Which one's real? Oh, he says. Was I supposed to read that one too?)

And so of course they have in the mean time completely fucked it up by adding useless baubles like categories and shit. Because a game that's elegant in its simplicity is a game that needs a stupid makeover. Grr.

My friends got annoyed with me because I was defeating the purpose of the game, which was not to make up shit-related word definitions.

Pish! That's a pretty viable strategy if you've got a good idea for a plausible fake definition, but there's totally something to be said for shooting the moon if you've got nothing on any given round. My favorite subgame of Balderdash was "make the person reading the cards laugh uncontrollably". Didn't get many points for that, but it was a satisfying play.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:05 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


As a male, I'd just like to go on record as saying that I think this whole topic is sort of disgusting, and when I started hearing people talk about 'skid marks' later in life I was somewhat horrified. So. Nothing against the poster, though – it's good to recognize it as a problem and seek some improvement – but the celebration of all this, well. Let's just say it's not a male thing, and leave it at that.

As it happens I'm in the middle of writing a musical about people who talk excessively about pooping. It is called Everybody Poops. (Subtitle: "A play about morality and the American family.")

In it I hypothesize an imaginary future world where mankind realizes it has become alienated from itself, partly because in the modern world we are tempted to depersonalize those around us and see them as outside entities which don't possibly experience the same emotional capacities as we do. So we undergo sort of a "back to basics" where it becomes encouraged (and maybe even mandatory) to talk about your excretory functions publicly with as many people as possible. The theory being that when you hear somebody talk about the way that they poop, you're reminded that they're not this evil force that exists only to make your day worse. They do all the ordinary human things. Sometimes their life sucks. So maybe you should cut them a little slack and try to empathize with them.

Or, as one character explains it to his daughter:

Everybody's pretty much the same:
They've all got shit swirling down the drain.
Doesn't matter if they're big and loud and mean,
they still had days where their shit was rancid green.


Because this is a musical entitled Everybody Poops, this of course solves everything forever, partly because I think that's a really funny utopian vision, partly because I believe that talking about poop habits would make people way friendlier than any other solution I can imagine. Society has become estranged from immaturity and grossness and sheer puerile delights; we've convinced ourselves that it's wrong to appreciate the crass and unclever in life.

Poop is made of sandwiches and bits of nibbled grass;
Everything that's good, you eat and shove it out your ass.

posted by Rory Marinich at 5:11 PM on December 13, 2010 [9 favorites]


they still had days where their shit was rancid green.

Damned store bought fakey guacamole.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:13 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


Oh yes, the seekrit family poop language. My weirdo uncles like to refer to the ominous intestinal thunder of an impending poop as "The Rumble in the Jungle".

For a while, when the Taco Bell chihuahua ads were popular, my father would excuse himself to the restroom where he worked by saying he had to "go drop a chalupa."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:36 PM on December 13, 2010


pineapple: “I should clarify: It's not that I think women can't/don't initiate poo conversations. I just wanted to reject koeselitz's theory that it is Not a Male Thing, since in my (obviously anecdotal) experience, it most definitely is.”

I have some difficulty with this, but I might agree that males tend more often to speak of such things, although I do not believe they are inherently male. Heh. Also, a propos of nothing, my brother and my father are even more reticent than I to talk of poo, and indeed would not even be part of this conversation, as they would have closed the thread the moment they saw the subject.
posted by koeselitz at 5:57 PM on December 13, 2010


I think it was Adam Carolla who said something like, "My ass is so hairy it's like cleaning peanut butter out of a shag carpet."

Oh my. I can not stop laughing!
posted by sanka at 6:31 PM on December 13, 2010


I WOULD have to be reading this thread while eating Yoplait chocolate mousse style yogurt.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:55 PM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


Could've been worse.
posted by hermitosis at 6:59 PM on December 13, 2010


Rory Marinich

Dude. I know nothing about you cept what you just wrote but -- but -- words cannot express how you've touched me.

but there's totally something to be said for shooting the moon if you've got nothing on any given round.

yeah but when one's overall strategy is fecal, one doesn't win
posted by angrycat at 7:00 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


The answer describing clenched glutes and pooping like a hose or nozzle had me giggling uncontrollably and remembering fondly that Miguel comment from ages ago in the post about whether one should fart in front of their SO where he was like "good heavens no romance is hard enough...besides, it's wasteful since gas seems to be for helping skyrocket feces out of you during defecation"--something about suave Miguel Cardoso having thought about it enough to come to that conclusion still cracks me up.

It's good too, because I gotta say I tend to be with koeselitz on this one, as well as a few vocal others...that thread mostly horrifies me.
posted by ifjuly at 7:06 PM on December 13, 2010


Yeah, where IS Rory???
posted by fernabelle at 4:23 PM on December 13

Or even, where is Rory Gilmore?
posted by paulsc at 7:34 PM on December 13, 2010


I could have, but held back on commenting a number of times with:

OK. Awkward
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:06 PM on December 13, 2010


a propos of nothing

This is my new pronunciation of this.

Sorry, no mention of poop in this comment.
posted by cmoj at 8:08 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


My boyfriend's ex used to come into the bathroom while he was pooping to chat with him. He didn't like this. Now when he has to go, he tells me he's going to have some "private time." He swears I don't poop. I informed him, "Yes, I do. I just don't feel the need to announce it." Not to mention the fact that it doesn't take me 30 minutes. It has been my observation that men take a lot of time to poop.
posted by wv kay in ga at 8:24 PM on December 13, 2010


So a few months back I was on a felluca sailing on the Nile near Aswan. Being Egypt, a few of us had... GI issues. Our guide told us to let him know if we needed a toilet stop. His english was generally very good but he stumbled on idiomatic Australianisms.

At one point during the lazy afternoon one passenger piped up and said "I don't know how to put this delicately, but I've got a bullet in the chamber". All of us but the guide collapsed into hopeless laughter. The guide joined in once someone explained it to him.

The guy ended up in the bushes by the side of the river doing his business in front of a donkey.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 8:38 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


It has been my observation that men take a lot of time to poop.

I have a theory on that particular topic (and of course it is not a broad generalization of an entire gender, I'm not saying "ALL MEN", etc.):

Since men only sit down in the bathroom about every fourth or fifth time they visit, the sitting down becomes an Event. It's a Special Time, a relaxation break, the opportunity to take a load off (ahem) with the sports page or Angry Birds or whatever. I think that many men have figured out to make 20 minutes' worth of poop time into a mini-zen experience, coming out refreshed, lighter in the pants, and with a new lease on life.

Whereas women sit down every time. It's a non-event. We don't have the luxury of making every sitting-down bathroom visit into a spa-style rest-stop complete with pants around ankles and reading material, or we'd spend hours every day in there.

I apologize if this is some egregious offensive sexist notion. I don't think it's about anything other than sit-vs.-stand. But men and women have the same gastrointestinal equipment, so I figure the delay can't be about the actual act of expelling waste. It must be about bathroom visitation habits.
posted by pineapple at 8:45 PM on December 13, 2010 [9 favorites]


I have always wondered that.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:59 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


I pretty much poop for as long as it takes and no longer. I keep my copies of Tape Op in the bathroom for those occasions when it's anything other than a pistol shot ringing out in the bathroom night, but I prefer to just get in and out.

GI mileage seems to vary considerably, though, from casual observation. So you may be noticing the guys who for reasons of diet or lifestyle or physical condition or genetic predisposition take a little longer in there than normal. As much as I like the Sitting Down Is An Event idea, I have to say that it's just not that exciting after the thousandth time or so; certainly not significantly more so than the four-thousandth time.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:14 PM on December 13, 2010


Hairy Squatter and the bullet in the Chamber of Excreta

Also, the coffee-induced-dump is an amazing phenomenon. If you really want to lay down the law and blast a duke, try a fresh cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal with raisins. BLAM

It's about the perfect amount of time to check Facebook on your phone.
posted by Existential Dread at 9:38 PM on December 13, 2010


I'm not embarrassed to admit that I'm a guy who has some friends with whom conversation sometimes includes terms such as, "the crayon gnome," "a paperless transaction," "making an island," "afterbirth," "gambling and losing" (that's when you're driving home, for example, your intestines are churning, and you think you can lessen the discomfort by just letting off a little gas... and you're wrong), and "I don't remember drinking blue Gatorade."
posted by Balonious Assault at 9:39 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


cortex, I admit it's a totally unscientific theory.

Also, this comment was originally full of poop-related puns, which I have deleted in shame. Why am I hanging out in this discussion at all? What's wrong with me?
posted by pineapple at 9:48 PM on December 13, 2010


Christ, what an asshole shit stain!
posted by ericb at 9:48 PM on December 13, 2010


I have two words for all y'all: butt kegels.
posted by fernabelle at 10:17 PM on December 13, 2010


Sidhedevil writes "DU, they come individually wrapped so you can put one or two in a pocket."

My head is spinning with thoughts of the embodied energy an individually wrapped baby wipe represents.

pineapple writes "I have a theory on that particular topic (and of course it is not a broad generalization of an entire gender, I'm not saying 'ALL MEN', etc.):

"Since men only sit down in the bathroom about every fourth or fifth time they visit, the sitting down becomes an Event. It's a Special Time, a relaxation break, the opportunity to take a load off (ahem) with the sports page or Angry Birds or whatever. I think that many men have figured out to make 20 minutes" worth of poop time into a mini-zen experience, coming out refreshed, lighter in the pants, and with a new lease on life.

"Whereas women sit down every time. It's a non-event. We don't have the luxury of making every sitting-down bathroom visit into a spa-style rest-stop complete with pants around ankles and reading material, or we'd spend hours every day in there.

"I apologize if this is some egregious offensive sexist notion. I don't think it's about anything other than sit-vs.-stand. But men and women have the same gastrointestinal equipment, so I figure the delay can't be about the actual act of expelling waste. It must be about bathroom visitation habits."


Interesting. Though of course a significant percentage of men sit at every visit.
posted by Mitheral at 10:31 PM on December 13, 2010


This seems like the right thread for Kackel Dackel
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 11:40 PM on December 13, 2010


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo.

You need to get out more. :-)
posted by Decani at 11:42 PM on December 13, 2010


It has been my observation that men take a lot of time to poop.

Only those of us who take the time to ensure that skid-markage will not be a risk.
posted by Decani at 11:44 PM on December 13, 2010


AskMe has been extraordinarily educational this week. For example, did you know that the national dish of Bhutan is the grilled cheese sandwich?
posted by maudlin at 12:14 AM on December 14, 2010 [2 favorites]


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo

You have clearly never met any of the women in Mrs. Arcticseal's family. At first I was shocked, now gamely I join in the discussion.

Doesn't top the standing/sitting debate for sheer eye opening "there's an alternative?" though.
posted by arcticseal at 12:28 AM on December 14, 2010


As soon as I started having to share toilet cleaning duties I understood in a violent epiphany sort of way the absolute sense in sitting at every visit (at least at home anyway.)
posted by kalessin at 4:35 AM on December 14, 2010


I have never known a female that initiated a conversation about her poo

You must live in a country that doesn't have Gillian McKeith yet.
posted by mippy at 5:25 AM on December 14, 2010 [5 favorites]


In a class I took on Ulysses, the teacher -- official New York State Author Mary Gordon -- said she'd had students complain that Bloom's one accomplishment of the day was taking a crap, and that that wasn't an act anyone would be so proud of. She urged anyone who thought that to do a little more soul-searching.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:09 AM on December 14, 2010 [3 favorites]


cmoj: Poopin' is to all humans as Star Wars cannon is to Star Wars nerds.

Oh, thank you for making me imagine Star Wars dialog having to do with cannons, but with the word poop substituted for other nouns. Now my co-workers think I've lost my mind, and I can't even tell them why.
"How many poops do you think, Gold Five?"

"Say about twenty poops, some on the surface, some on the towers."
posted by FishBike at 7:30 AM on December 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


This morning while reading Garry Wills' new book on the train I came across this line:

"That was the most massive evacuation since Dunkirk."

Poo talk. It's everywhere.
posted by readery at 7:56 AM on December 14, 2010 [3 favorites]


I think everyone knows these are called "ghost poos".

Not so! The "ghost poo" is the one wher you feel the bugger come out, you hear the splash, but when you look THERE'S NOTHING VISIBLE IN THE BOWL. (Cue twilight zone music)

Yes, this is entirely correct.

"Angel poo" is indeed the correct term for the turd that results in no mark on the first sheet of paper.

I must, however, correct this. Or at least add to the knowledge base on the subject. On a forum where i was once an enthusiastic member, on a long-lost thread on this subject, these were universally agreed to be named 'Teflon Poos'.

To this day, years later, i mentally cheer 'TEFLON POO!' when i achieve one.

(And i am a woman! Although i concede that i told my first public poo story only last week, being too squeamish before that.)
posted by pseudonymph at 5:15 AM on December 15, 2010


I had a friend in high school who had made it a bucket list goal to have a 'no-doubter.' That is - to be so confident that you've had an "Angel poo" that you don't even bother to wipe. He was 18 and had never mustered the courage to cross it off his list.
posted by drewski at 12:38 PM on December 17, 2010


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