AskMe Relationship Questions August 9, 2006 7:58 AM   Subscribe

Is it time for freetherapy.metafilter.com? Nothing against this poster or their particular situation, but it's perhaps the most egregious example I've seen of the "I just want someone to talk to" style of non-question that seems to increasingly pollute AskMe.
posted by BackwardsCity to Etiquette/Policy at 7:58 AM (73 comments total)

I recognize that Matt or Jess must have approved that question, because it was anonymous. But I don't see why they would have done so.
posted by BackwardsCity at 8:01 AM on August 9, 2006


I think it's time for chatfiltercomplaints.metatalk.metafilter.com 'cause there's way too fucking many of these lame callouts every goddamn week.

Flag it and move on.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:03 AM on August 9, 2006


More like send your flag into the void, and hope it's noticed.
posted by smackfu at 8:07 AM on August 9, 2006




People with probems suck. Who do they think they are, coming around here?
posted by LarryC at 8:09 AM on August 9, 2006


What would be the point of flagging it, since Matt already approved it?
posted by smackfu at 8:12 AM on August 9, 2006


It doesn't seem any different from dozens of other relationship AskMe questions to me, though the bloke does appear to be more of a loon than is usually the case.
posted by biffa at 8:19 AM on August 9, 2006


Oh come on, leave him alone. The anonymous posting got approved, so why the call out? (How about we give him the $30 post of the day award so he can get out of his folk's basement?)
posted by R. Mutt at 8:19 AM on August 9, 2006


What's the Rapy? Why is it in jail?
posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 8:21 AM on August 9, 2006


I didn't approve it. This is where jessamyn and I differ, I often only approve the 2 or 3 really good questions that are well written and ignore dozens of others.

I don't even see the question in it.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 8:24 AM on August 9, 2006


Rather a flag in the void than a pointless callout in the grey. Which coincidentally has been our family motto for generations.

I would imagine that if enough people flag the question, approved or not, it would be removed. Which is probably what Backwardscity wants to accomplish with this thread anyway. But by going through this route, it just rehashes old arguments and creates further noise in metafilter. For best results just read this thread from Monday and copy/paste your favorite arguments...
posted by slimepuppy at 8:26 AM on August 9, 2006


My issue with the 'question' is that I think it's a troll.
posted by solid-one-love at 8:28 AM on August 9, 2006


Slimepuppy: I hadn't seen that thread from Monday, but as you might expect I tend to agree with it. A person might conclude from the existence of two very similar MetaTalks in a three-day span that the community should figure out whether these sorts of questions are a becoming a problem, rather than concluding that everyone should just shut up.
posted by BackwardsCity at 8:32 AM on August 9, 2006


I would rephrase that last sentence in a less hostile manner, if I had it to do over again. Sorry. I hadn't meant to hit post yet.
posted by BackwardsCity at 8:34 AM on August 9, 2006


I don't even see the question in it.

Could you close it then? It's fucking awful. Possibly the creepiest thing I've ever read on Askme, including that fake one about the affair with the blind sister.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:36 AM on August 9, 2006


...the affair with the blind sister?
Woah.

I'd like to retroactively remove all my flags from other threads and transfer it to that one. Just to be sure.

BackwardsCity, none taken, I'm just sure I've read about this same thing more than the once recently. My initial hostility is towards the conversation on this topic in general, not your particular post. The word 'chatfilter' has been popping up quite a bit recently, or maybe it's some funky confirmation bias going on in my head.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:54 AM on August 9, 2006


I actually think this kind of thing is a good use of AskMe. The question may be kind of creepy, but the guy clearly needs a good talking to, and getting that anonymously is probably the best way for it to happen.
posted by OmieWise at 8:55 AM on August 9, 2006


Maybe Jessamyn WROTE the question. Did you guys ever think of THAT?!??!?!
posted by jonson at 8:56 AM on August 9, 2006


Gah. That's a 3 page essay to basically say "My ex wasn't as into me as I was into her during our long distance relationship. Should I stalk her? Or should I let it go?"

I don't think it really needs deletion, but it sure as hell needs to be trimmed down some. 90% of that post is unnecessary details.
posted by antifuse at 9:02 AM on August 9, 2006


i have been reading the email of everyone who replied to this callout so far.
posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 9:03 AM on August 9, 2006


I don't think it really needs deletion, but it sure as hell needs to be trimmed down some. 90% of that post is unnecessary details.

Y'all do remember that six months ago everyone was bitching that anonymous posters didn't include enough information in their posts?

There is a question in it. "Can I make this work?" The answer is pretty much No, full stop, but he is asking a question, and seems to be getting good advice.

And I don't understand the general hostility to relationship questions. Some people are not very good at navigating human relations and need some help, in the same way that some people are not very good at navigating computers and need some help.
posted by occhiblu at 9:22 AM on August 9, 2006


slimepuppy writes "the affair with the blind sister? "

Ask, Meta, MeCha. lazy-ville and Pretty_Generic got banned as a result.
posted by Mitheral at 9:38 AM on August 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


This is where jessamyn and I differ

For Christ's sake, don't fight in front of the kids!
posted by yerfatma at 10:00 AM on August 9, 2006


I think I agree with Omiewise. The guy who posted has some serious issues and doesn't seem to realize it. Maybe everyone telling him he needs to let her go and stop reading people's private email will actually help him—and he might realize he needs to leave his ex alone. And that answers the question.
posted by terrapin at 10:20 AM on August 9, 2006


"What would be the point of flagging it, since Matt already approved it?"

Matt lacks the iron will of a decent dictator and is sometimes too easily swayed into second-guessing himself?
posted by klangklangston at 10:36 AM on August 9, 2006


I thought the same thing when I saw this question, considered sending my flag to the void, considered starting this metatalk thread, then ended up doing neither and instead favoriting this poignant comment.
posted by dead_ at 11:16 AM on August 9, 2006


I didn't approve it. This is where jessamyn and I differ, I often only approve the 2 or 3 really good questions that are well written and ignore dozens of others.

Are Mommy and Daddy going to get a divorce?

Meanwhile, now I know which mod to bug when I have an Anonymous Q in the queue.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:25 AM on August 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


I didn't approve it. This is where jessamyn and I differ, I often only approve the 2 or 3 really good questions that are well written and ignore dozens of others.

And I tend to approve most of the AnonyMe questions that seem to require anonymity and aren't illegal or too stupid. The posting page says

"Questions about illegal activities are unlikely to be approved. Questions about ordinary subject matter that doesn't seem to fit the needs of being anonymous may not be approved."

and the FAQ page says

"Some types of questions may not be approved such as illegal, repetitive, unanswerable or obvious questions, or ones that don't appear to require anonymity."

I know there are a lot of people who don't like the RelationshipFilter questions but as long as we're allowing non-anonymous ones, it seems like anonymous ones (esp like this one where you can sort of see why the person didn't want to include more personal information) should be OK too. I think AskMe can play a useful role as a reality tester for people like this poster who is (imho) throwing up flags all over the place that he may not be aware that he's doing.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:40 AM on August 9, 2006


I always liked you better, Jess.
posted by dame at 11:42 AM on August 9, 2006


Now that's just mean, dame.

I love you Haughey.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 11:48 AM on August 9, 2006


I like both Matt and Jess. In fact, I have a shrine.

I lean toward being lenient on relationship askmes because even though a lot of them aren't exactly questions, there's very often a question implicit. Most of them amount to "I'm confused and don't know what to do/think" and to the degree that AskMe is intended to be utilitarian, then these questions and the answers people provide qualify. I know they are often messy, but still. Especially with traumatic relationship stuff, it really is in the spirit of AskMe's sense of providing a service when people can talk to other people about these things.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 11:58 AM on August 9, 2006


It's just if we're gonna be split up, I don't wanna move back out West.
posted by dame at 11:58 AM on August 9, 2006


I want my own room in both houses.
posted by OmieWise at 12:14 PM on August 9, 2006


Mitheral: thanks for the backstory on blind_sister. (OMG, now we'll see *that* as a Lame_username...)
posted by baylink at 12:19 PM on August 9, 2006

I want my own room in both houses.
We wouldn't have a problem if you'd just stay on your own side of the line and clean up after yourself once in a while. And stop wearing my Duran Duran shirts!
posted by scrump at 12:20 PM on August 9, 2006


Daddy and Mommy would still love each other if you weren't such bad kids.
posted by Marnie at 12:37 PM on August 9, 2006


That's right, Pink - It's All Your Fault!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:02 PM on August 9, 2006


I thought the same thing when I saw this question, considered sending my flag to the void, considered starting this metatalk thread, then ended up doing neither and instead favoriting this poignant comment.

Wow. I couldn't have crafted a more perfect example of why these posts are trash. Here you have an individual who had a few avenues to explore and he chose the most benign form of expression - and the comment he found poignant was removed. For what?

I think AskMe can play a useful role as a reality tester for people like this poster who is (imho) throwing up flags all over the place that he may not be aware that he's doing.


If the consensus is that these nebulous Dear Abby cries in the dark should stand because of the possibility that the anonymous asker will find solace and peace through one of the answers than all of them need to stay. Every. Single. One. This is beyond asinine. If you looked at it from a purely administrative perspective, these threads do nothing but foster an environment that produces polarized static requiring clean up. If the crux of the experience for the anonymous asker is immersion in reality, let it be one that's unfiltered and disgusting, brash and ridiculous. They asked for it, after all; and as a wonderful metric - all of the schizophrenic abstract relationship posts are removed. That user obviously needs to be reminded of the fact that they may not be aware of what they are doing, so why the discrepancy?

I don't even see the question in it.

!
posted by prostyle at 1:06 PM on August 9, 2006


I couldn't have crafted a more perfect example of why these posts are trash. Here you have an individual who had a few avenues to explore and he chose the most benign form of expression - and the comment he found poignant was removed.

It was still there when I clicked the link to his fave.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:22 PM on August 9, 2006


Dude, someone needs to tell you to stop being such a pussy. Reading other people's e-mails and living with your mommy on 55k? Wow....

Maybe her family didn't like you because you're totally fucking mental....

That's all I can see from his favorites, the comments are deleted in thread.
posted by prostyle at 1:34 PM on August 9, 2006


Must be a browser cache thing. Weird. So: I agree with you. To delete that comment but keep the thread is more than a little odd. I don't think I can reason it out.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:39 PM on August 9, 2006


I made the 'pussy' comment, which was later favorited, then summarily deleted. The 'fucking mental' isn't mine, but I totally agree with it.

Mean language nonwithstanding, what's so wrong about calling a spade a shovel? It seems like if you're gonna put your sob story out in the public square, you should be ready for all types of responses. Not just the ones you might get from people who know you and like you and say what they think you want to hear. I don't think these deleted comments were particularly unconstructive.

/yes. rant.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 2:56 PM on August 9, 2006


It's not like everyone else in the thread was telling him what a great guy he was, and how blameless he was in the situation. It's possible to disagree with someone without being an asshole about it.
posted by occhiblu at 3:00 PM on August 9, 2006


I'm not going to rehash the same arguments I've made twice already this week, but isn't the fact that we've had three of these callouts in less than 7 days an indication that something's going wrong? OK, I can see that Matt & Jess want to keep the RelationshipFilter questions, but could we not at least be a little more ruthless in their moderation? Do we really need a daily woe-is-me-I'm-heartbroken-here's-three-pages-of-emotions thread?

Alternatively, could one of you webgeniuses (cillit? blacklite? pretty please?) knock up an AskMe feed which contains everything except the "Human relations" category?

Also, I agree with prostyle: if these questions really are asking for a range of answers then the responses shouldn't be pruned to show only the kittens-and-moonbeams opinions. And if they're not looking for answers then they don't belong in AskMe.
posted by blag at 4:03 PM on August 9, 2006


/yes. rant.

That's not a fucking rant, you pussy. [/irony]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:04 PM on August 9, 2006


Fair enough. But I can think of a few times I wish a good friend would have told me to pull myself together without mincing around about it.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 4:06 PM on August 9, 2006


exactly.
posted by blag at 4:07 PM on August 9, 2006


Wow, we've become wikipedia. It's the inclusionists vs. the deletionists all over again. Perhaps we need to form a provisional chapter of this group?
posted by Saucy Intruder at 4:14 PM on August 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


The first two comments:


I think this is dysfunctional and probably not healthy to continue, it sounds like you have some jealousy and control issues. Perhaps you should do your best to remain friends in some capacity (not dating), and to stop reading her e-mail.
posted by dead_ at 6:37 AM PST on August 9 [+fave] [!]


Uh, this is a really bad idea. You cant get her back after she cheated on you that many times. SHE IS OVER YOU, CANT YOU SEE THA??? Grow a spine and get a girl who gives a damn
posted by wheelieman at 6:38 AM PST on August 9 [+fave] [!]

The next forty or so seemed similarly direct. I saw less mincing in that thread than I've probably seen in any AskMe thread, ever. I don't think it needed someone calling the guy a pussy or a mental case for the point to be made, strongly.
posted by occhiblu at 4:14 PM on August 9, 2006


I recognize that Matt or Jess must have approved that question, because it was anonymous. But I don't see why they would have done so.

And that must mean they were wrong, huh? Look around the corner of your browser window, odds are that you'll find something that looks like a little x in a box. It might help you out in this instance.
posted by flag it and shut up at 4:39 PM on August 9, 2006


Wow, someone REALLY likes the flagging system.
posted by smackfu at 4:45 PM on August 9, 2006


I new it might be a problem when I wrote it, but the answers were truly helpful, so both a sorry and a thanks I guess. I also found the advice in this askMeta helpful. Just wonder if the beyotch is sorry now, I know her parents are. Lordy I feel empowered. Ta-ta.
posted by econous at 4:59 PM on August 9, 2006


Knew.
posted by econous at 5:03 PM on August 9, 2006


If I have to choose then I want to live with jess. I'm willing to see mathowie on the weekends... maybe.
posted by nixerman at 5:40 PM on August 9, 2006


How do you know when people on this site have too much money? They waste five dollars on a sock puppet just to act like an asshole. I challenge the owner of "flag it and shut up" to act like a fucking man and say that with their real identity.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 5:41 PM on August 9, 2006


act like a fucking man and say that with their real identity.

So says..."SeizeTheDay..."
posted by dersins at 5:54 PM on August 9, 2006


"I'm not going to rehash the same arguments I've made twice already this week, but isn't the fact that we've had three of these callouts in less than 7 days an indication that something's going wrong?"

No, it means there's a low threshold for MeTa.

And I wrote the "mental" comment, and was fine with it being deleted (as I probably should have left that attitute outside AskMe).
Though it is nice that someone liked it.
posted by klangklangston at 6:11 PM on August 9, 2006


posted by flag it and shut up

Oh, I'm sorry. We were looking for "flag it and move on". Close though. Might want to spend another 5 bucks to get the phrase right.
posted by bob sarabia at 6:32 PM on August 9, 2006


isn't the fact that we've had three of these callouts in less than 7 days an indication that something's going wrong?

Yeah, people are being jerks. They should stop making pointless callouts.

Mom? Dad? Does this mean you don't love us any more?

*starts composing anguished AskMe question*

posted by languagehat at 6:35 PM on August 9, 2006


It's a good question in my book. This guy needs a reality check and boy did he get one. Let's hope it helps him move on with his life.
posted by caddis at 7:33 PM on August 9, 2006


Caddis is right but I for one am now feeling guilty for the mean stuff I said. I hope he ends up alright after the beating he received from almost everyone.

I happen to be okay with the therapyfilter stuff since I find it interesting and entertaining, but I can see where it has the potential to get tiresome. If there's some sort of administrative headache that goes along with these sorts of things, as a few people have alluded to, then I'd reconsider that view.
posted by ml98tu at 9:33 PM on August 9, 2006


Sometimes, when I'm feeling blue about my life, I read AskMe and feel so much better. I vote we keep the pathetic freak questions around just for my own selfish need for perspective.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:47 AM on August 10, 2006


How many sock puppets do you think Matt has?
posted by raedyn at 9:06 AM on August 10, 2006


I've got at least one, but I'll never tell you the name.
posted by OmieWise at 9:31 AM on August 10, 2006


Oh shit, did I forget to log out and back in as mathowie before I wrote that?
posted by OmieWise at 9:32 AM on August 10, 2006


Now all we need is for Matt to say "OMG, I did!"
posted by caddis at 9:43 AM on August 10, 2006


* cries *
posted by baby_jessamyn at 9:45 AM on August 10, 2006


Cunning, I'm pretty sure that was a crack at me so I'll clarify. I find it interesting and entertaining to read other people's responses and the various interpretations of the same story. Basically, I like watching the thread evolve as the day goes on. If it's not a crack at me, then I'm too sensitive and need to post my own therapyfilter question about how to not take everything so personally when it comes from strangers on the internet. :)
posted by ml98tu at 5:40 PM on August 10, 2006


Dude, unless you were the poor schmuck living in his parents' basement even though he makes 55k and posting bizarre endless rambling details about how he wants to stalk his first and only love, no, it wasn't a crack at you. I was entirely serious. Those guys make me feel like maybe my lame and pathetic existence isn't all that lame and pathetic after all.
posted by CunningLinguist at 9:34 PM on August 10, 2006


No, when I referred to the people that make it with that much debt on half his salary in a major city, I was talking about myself and all my friends at 21. At 55K a year and no living expenses, he not only has enough to move out, he probably has enough to buy a whole freaking house. I'll be posting my therapyfilter question shortly.
posted by Halfpint at 5:19 AM on August 11, 2006


Awesome, I totally just did EXACLTY what we just talked about above.
posted by Halfpint at 5:20 AM on August 11, 2006


ml98tu, I didn't think you said anything mean at all. I thought your comment was great; at this point six people have marked it as a favorite.
posted by russilwvong at 10:03 PM on August 12, 2006


Those guys make me feel like maybe my lame and pathetic existence isn't all that lame and pathetic after all.
Good to see I'm not the only one. See, everyone wins in these threads.
posted by dg at 2:32 AM on August 14, 2006


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