v1aGrA 4 teh w1n

October 25, 2008 5:14 PM

MeFi is showing me a "surprise her... with a bigger penis" ad. She looks pretty surprised, but not as surprised as me.

Can we not do this? I realise this is not on the level of Scientology or Suicide Girls in terms of potential offense, but this sort of stuff is a) bullshit, b) bogus, c) not a nice message to deliver to boy MeFites.

posted by DarlingBri to MetaFilter-related at 5:14 PM (94 comments total)

I can't see the image you linked, but I am on board with the general sentiment.
posted by SoftRain at 5:16 PM on October 25, 2008

That sounds like an automated Google Ad. Can you remember what the URL was on the ad? Then I can block it and it won't show up again.
posted by mathowie at 5:18 PM on October 25, 2008

Also, are you logged in? If so, perhaps you have a bit of spyware on your browser?
posted by mathowie at 5:19 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Matt, it's being displayed in the Federated Media ad block div at the top of the sidebar, so I don't think it's spyware. And yeah, I'm logged in. There are about six of these ads and they all point to naturomax [dot] com.

Thanks!
posted by DarlingBri at 5:29 PM on October 25, 2008

You know what? Maybe I do want to surprise her with a bigger penis. When did you get so selfish and resentful of bigger penises?
posted by middleclasstool at 5:39 PM on October 25, 2008

No mct, we should be glad Matt has a lock on a cock-shock block.
posted by Abiezer at 5:40 PM on October 25, 2008 [8 favorites]

Maybe I do want to surprise her with a bigger penis.

Yes, but whose?
posted by jonmc at 5:44 PM on October 25, 2008 [31 favorites]

To Give her more meat, maybe you should Enhance your anatomy. After all, The bigger the better, and with our super-fantastic product, you'll be able to Make your c*ck a hammer!!

But in all seriousness, Does your girl like surprises? You'd be surprised at just how much 1-4 extra inches makes a massive difference.

[NOT SPAMBOT-IST]
posted by Lemurrhea at 5:50 PM on October 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

I surprise my wife by actually doing housework.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:08 PM on October 25, 2008 [23 favorites]

Sounds like maybe middleclasstool needs a new handle? Uppermiddleclasstool, eh? Or Hugh G. Rection if it's not taken.
posted by Mister_A at 6:09 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

It continues to surprise me in this day and age that anyone uses a browser without Adblock Plus installed.
posted by Rhomboid at 6:11 PM on October 25, 2008 [8 favorites]

Sorry to anybody who's disappointed they can't see a picture of what a woman surprised by a big penis looks like. If it's any consolation, it's about what you figure.

(So why am I sitting here reading MetaFilter on a Saturday night, I ask you? Um. You know, on second thought, let's don't answer that.)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:21 PM on October 25, 2008

You mean people like my dad? He doesn't use Firefox because he has 'problems' with it- which means he doesn't know he has to install plugins.

Instead he uses IE6. I don't know how he does it.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:22 PM on October 25, 2008

i read somewhere the same add showing up on ebay front page, (and the associated outrage) it was tracked to spyware substituting an add or something. Might want to clean your system.
posted by dripped at 6:25 PM on October 25, 2008

Adblock Plus <3
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:26 PM on October 25, 2008

Link for you:

Valleywag link

posted by dripped at 6:27 PM on October 25, 2008

That looks more like a woman glaring disapprovingly than a surprised woman.
posted by CKmtl at 6:36 PM on October 25, 2008

Where are the "surprise him... with a bigger vagina" ads at?
posted by Sailormom at 6:44 PM on October 25, 2008 [28 favorites]

This is as good of a place to ask as any. Does anyone know of a penis enlargement program that actually works?
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 6:51 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

For a second I was excited because I thought they had decided to increase the member size of the Pen 15 club.
posted by drezdn at 6:56 PM on October 25, 2008

Does anyone know of a penis enlargement program that actually works?

Generally The Hand & Lotion System™ works, although on most days I find the Flash A Boob™ Program to be very effective.

In my household at least...
posted by gomichild at 6:58 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

I can vouch for gomi's success.

X10 ftw.
posted by Eideteker at 7:00 PM on October 25, 2008

We don't mind the ad so much, but we think it's unfair that it doesn't occasionally exort the reader to "Surprise him with a bigger penis".
posted by An Infinity Of Monkeys at 7:07 PM on October 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

Sorry, we meant exhort.

Or maybe extort, it's difficult to choose.
posted by An Infinity Of Monkeys at 7:11 PM on October 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

A bigger bank account is what I need to impress my woman. Donations happily accepted.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:26 PM on October 25, 2008

I can vouch for gomi's success.

Only by observing that I have produced offspring. Otherwise honey I'm afraid that was an affair not remembered....
posted by gomichild at 7:27 PM on October 25, 2008

Anyone have a screenshot?
posted by mathowie at 7:34 PM on October 25, 2008

huh, so it's only spyware infected PCs that are replacing the existing ad with the penis ad? Because I've looked through my federated media ad stuff and I can't for the life of me find anything remotely like penis pills being advertised.
posted by mathowie at 7:40 PM on October 25, 2008

anything remotely like penis pills

why am I picturing some kind of X-rated Flintstones vitamins scenario here?
posted by jonmc at 7:43 PM on October 25, 2008

I thought people who were logged in didn't see ads, period? I certainly don't, and I don't have Adblock installed.
posted by Phire at 7:44 PM on October 25, 2008

Does anyone know of a penis enlargement program that actually works?

maria muldaur would like to tell you what really matters
posted by pyramid termite at 7:45 PM on October 25, 2008

Argh. So I should have titled this post "If Dell will only sell you the laptop you want with Vista, which blows, and you get infected with malwear and start seeing penis enlargement ads on MetaFilter, you may be a complete moron like me."

Matt, I'm so sorry I wasted your time making you sift through the FM ads. I really was fooled by it appearing in exactly the right size in exactly the right spot, inside the FM ad code.

If you want to see the surprised lady, there's a bad screencap here. She's less surprised but probably brighter than me.

Doh.

PS: If you're seeing that ad on MeFi, congrats, you have Internet Clap! I'm so bummed; I don't even get too look at porn these days. I feel totally jipped.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:04 PM on October 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

She dosen't look suprised, she looks medicated.
posted by jonmc at 8:12 PM on October 25, 2008

Uh, that doesn't look like the face of happy surprise.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:27 PM on October 25, 2008

pyramid termite,

Before I clicked on your link, I thought you meant "Take your camel to bed".
posted by lukemeister at 8:30 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Surprise her... with L. Ron Hubbard's penis
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:44 PM on October 25, 2008

Today, at the Famous Bookstore, a burly eastern European guy walked up to me and said "You have section for jox?"

"What?" I answered.

"Jox. You know, jox?"

"You mean sports?"

"No." he shook his head "Jox. Laughs. Humor?"

"Oh. Jokes." and showed him.

It's a fun world.
posted by jonmc at 8:45 PM on October 25, 2008 [4 favorites]

But do you have a section for jox?
posted by special-k at 8:51 PM on October 25, 2008

Yex.
posted by jonmc at 8:51 PM on October 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

surprise her... with a bigger penis


Hell I'd surprise her with one that just worked!
posted by nola at 8:55 PM on October 25, 2008

Surprise her... with L. Ron Hubbard's penis

There's an Anonymous sex joke in there, but I am lazy.

And it's not as if those schmucks have sex with anyone other than their V For Vendetta masks mounted onto the hose of their parents' wet vac.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:56 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

there's a bad screencap here.

So that's what Eminem's been up to.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:00 PM on October 25, 2008

You know what? Maybe I do want to surprise her with a bigger penis.

Okay, but when and where? And just so we're clear, I'll only show if airfare and transit to and from my bedroom and hers is covered.
posted by Manhasset at 9:40 PM on October 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

Metafilter: Congrats, you have Internet Clap!

Surprise her with Galileo's finger, as a penis!
posted by dirigibleman at 9:54 PM on October 25, 2008

Where are the "surprise him... with a bigger vagina" ads at?

I dated a girl who tried to surprise me that way. I was pretty delighted, all splashing around in there and having a time, but after like ten minutes, I realized it was just one of those inflatable kiddie pools. It was the pictures of sunfish on the inside walls is what gave it away. These things are all scams, basically.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:57 PM on October 25, 2008 [31 favorites]

Anyone have a screenshot?

Sure, I have screenshots of big penises... ahem. Never mind.

c) not a nice message to deliver to boy MeFites.

Yeah, we're delicate little flowers that totally need protecting from the world.
posted by rodgerd at 9:59 PM on October 25, 2008

Just for the record, how did you get rid of your Internet Clap?

I mean, I run Linux, so I have Internet Can't Get Laid, but there are probably others who would benefit from some Internet Sex Ed.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:02 PM on October 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

Yeah, well I have a Mac, so … D'oh!
posted by hattifattener at 10:13 PM on October 25, 2008

The picture of the woman in that ad is disquieting.
posted by danb at 11:05 PM on October 25, 2008

Bucket of a Cock
posted by Rumple at 11:09 PM on October 25, 2008

dirigibleman, I have no idea. I handed this laptop to my 'nix-loving husband and went to load the dishwasher. When I came back, there was a screen on the laptop progressing something, at which he was staring intently.

I said, "Honey, you know that watching it doesn't do anything, right? It doesn't change the outcome of the virus scan or anything?"

He just glared at me and said, very grumpily, "This shit does not go down in my house" and went back to watching it as if it were television.

I think it was AdAware followed by HijackThis. I'll ask him to post but he's probably too humiliated by his clap-ridden spouse to cop to being married to me in this thread.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:14 PM on October 25, 2008 [10 favorites]

So many dick jokes, so little taste time.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:23 PM on October 25, 2008

Heh. little.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:23 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Judging from the look on the woman's face in the advertisement you could achieve basically the same effect by first striking your girlfriend a glancing blow to the side of the head and then pulling out your totally unchanged and perfectly average penis.
posted by The Straightener at 11:23 PM on October 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

Where are the "surprise him... with a bigger vagina" ads at?

Yeah! Tit for tat, right?

OK, I'll leave now. ... Tit for twat? OK OK! I'm going.
posted by msalt at 11:45 PM on October 25, 2008

It continues to surprise me in this day and age that anyone uses a browser without Adblock Plus CockBlock Plus installed.
posted by Termite at 11:54 PM on October 25, 2008

LOLCocks
posted by schyler523 at 12:33 AM on October 26, 2008

Uh, that doesn't look like the face of happy surprise.

It looks more like the face of "you said what about my mother?"

Or "our bank account is empty because why?"

Or possibly "you left the children where?"
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:44 AM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

Where are the "surprise him... with a bigger vagina" ads at?

You guys have it backwards, is all. "Surprise him with a tighter vagina" is where it's at.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:24 AM on October 26, 2008

Just finding the little blighter amongst my pubes freakin' surprises me.
posted by mattoxic at 1:53 AM on October 26, 2008

It's all quantity, quantity, quantity. Blah.

Why is nobody advertising "surprise her with a better penis?"
posted by aubilenon at 2:01 AM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

I realise this is not on the level of Scientology or Suicide Girls in terms of potential offense...

Well, I find that Suicide Girls has pretty strong correlation to my penis size. Scientology is just made up of penises, but that's another discussion.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:19 AM on October 26, 2008

You know what? Maybe I do want to surprise her with a bigger penis.

Not so much middleclasstool, more middlesizedtool?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:03 AM on October 26, 2008

I hear it's not about the size, it's all about how you use it.

OK, I only hear that inside my head, but that still counts, right?
posted by dg at 3:37 AM on October 26, 2008

This penis, it vibrates?
posted by panboi at 4:23 AM on October 26, 2008

Does anyone know of a penis enlargement program that actually works?

European citizenship. Examples: this and this vs. this and this.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:13 AM on October 26, 2008 [2 favorites]

privoxy.org
posted by chunking express at 5:47 AM on October 26, 2008

You guys have it backwards, is all. "Surprise him with a tighter vagina" is where it's at.

That ad is really, uh, something:

You see, a woman who is old enough to know how to give a man extremely good sex plus has a tight, moist, young-looking vagina, has an enormous advantage over every other woman.

I guess that having a product for every insecurity is proof that capitalism works. I would worry, though, about whether the "virgin cream" residue will counteract your partner's surprise big penis and cause him to shrivel up like a raisin.
posted by Forktine at 5:52 AM on October 26, 2008

plus... young-looking vagina, has an enormous advantage

so now we all need a speculum under the pillow?
posted by de at 6:04 AM on October 26, 2008

Ex-Girlfriend Don't Want To Speak To You No More, New European Boyfriend Reports
posted by lukemeister at 7:03 AM on October 26, 2008

sheesh... first they post all these 'embiggen your penis' ads, then they complain about us wearing balloon pants.
posted by krautland at 7:29 AM on October 26, 2008

I would be darlingbri's aforementioned spouse.

Somehow (the laptop in question has, I think, fired up IE exactly twice in its life, both times to check CSS rendering on sites being developed) it was using a bogus DNS server despite none of the network settings on the machine being misconfigured.

A manual trawl of the registry looking for said name server's IP address turned up about eight references, which disabled the hijack for just about long enough to successfully download updates for the newly-downloaded Ad-Aware and for AVG.

Ad-Aware got nothing, except for its usual BS about advert cookies.

HijackThis identified all the dodgy registry entries (which had already returned five minutes later) and turned up a .tmp file being executed as a startup service. I highlighted all these and nuked 'em, taking the opportunity to also remove a bunch of iTunes/Quicktime and Real.com crapware which I had previously given up on as unditchable.

Reboot, and we're done. It would have been quicker but for Ad-Aware's utter uselessness - it took two attempts to run a scan without crashing the OS, and then found nothing anyway.

XP, for all its faults, was never this bad. The laptop, spec-wise, beats the crap out of almost everything else in the house, but because it had fucking Vista preloaded it runs slower than anything else we have by a factor of three. [Seriously, it takes over a minute to open a 1Mb zip file despite having 2G of memory and a dual-core processor. What did they write this crap with? GWBasic?]

And in all the time I've known my missus this is the first time anything's ever caught anything - it's not like she's the clicky-download-shiny type. On the other hand Vista makes one click 'Continue' on a black screen dozens of times every day - you'd practically have to be Spock to maintain the mental discipline to not tune them out after a while.

Um, anyway. An incredibly subtle attack, this one. It doesn't pile up the popups, just flips out some existing ad scripts with DNS redirections.

And Matt, you're including the JS which renders the sidebar button ad, and a FM tracking pixel, even for logged-in users. (It just doesn't show an ad for us usually.) What's up with that anyway?
posted by genghis at 9:28 AM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

So, is it time to upgrade to a barrel of cocks, then?
posted by stet at 9:50 AM on October 26, 2008

So, is it time to upgrade to a barrel of cocks, then?

Coq au bin?
posted by mandal at 10:28 AM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

Stealth advertising for the new Penis Bellgrande at your local taco bell?
posted by porn in the woods at 11:10 AM on October 26, 2008

Well, they eliminated the Chilito.
posted by jonmc at 11:16 AM on October 26, 2008

*opens the front door, struggles to push it open, something heavy lodged up against it*

What in the... Honey? I'm ho -

*shrieks*
*faints*
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:20 AM on October 26, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think it was triggered by this comment in a deleted thread.
posted by merelyglib at 11:27 AM on October 26, 2008

Where are the "surprise him... with a bigger vagina" ads at?

This is not an ad but very informative and somewhat relevant to the question.

My favorite weekly coloum
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 1:00 PM on October 26, 2008

My bad the link did not post and I feel the moment is passing...
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 1:02 PM on October 26, 2008

No matter how big a dick I am, it always fails to surprise my wife.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:08 PM on October 26, 2008 [9 favorites]

Thanks for the rundown, genghis.
posted by cortex at 1:15 PM on October 26, 2008

Matt, I'm so sorry I wasted your time [...] I really was fooled by it appearing in exactly the right size in exactly the right spot

That's what she said.
posted by Mike1024 at 2:34 PM on October 26, 2008

I surprised my girlfriend with a bigger penis but then she ran off with the guy who owned it.

Probably my own damn fault, now that I think about it.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:11 PM on October 26, 2008

I surprise her not with the size, but with where I put it. Yeah baby you can have the last slice of chocolate gateaux...oh, what's this? And what are we to do about it?
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:26 PM on October 26, 2008 [4 favorites]

genghis's 16 million descendents
posted by lukemeister at 5:10 PM on October 26, 2008

“Geng... Is that you?”

~ Shao Kahn on meeting his long time lost brother
posted by netbros at 5:48 PM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

i can't believe this thread made it all the way down here without a [more inside] joke.
posted by sergeant sandwich at 8:15 PM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

That's what she said.

I cannot tell you how delighted my wife is that that joke has yet to get old for me.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:16 PM on October 26, 2008

Sailormom: Where are the "surprise him... with a bigger vagina" ads at?

You have a really big vagina...really big vagina.

(Old joke. You know, so large it echos.)
posted by cjorgensen at 7:55 AM on October 27, 2008

It's all quantity, quantity, quantity. Blah.

Why is nobody advertising "surprise her with a better penis?"

Bigger is better. Ask any woman taking a polygraph test for citation of that fact.
posted by Zambrano at 3:28 PM on October 27, 2008

Bigger is better. Ask any woman taking a polygraph test for citation of that fact.

I think they view penises the same way most men view breasts: it's not a deal breaker, but all other things being equal, a big cock is better than a small one.
posted by jonmc at 4:39 PM on October 27, 2008

Bigger is better. Ask any woman taking a polygraph test for citation of that fact.

You know, I dated a nice Jewish boy from New Jersey all through college. He had the largest erect penis I've ever seen attached to an actual human outside a porn movie. The sum total of what I got out of that sexual experience that differentiated it from all other sexual experiences before or after:

Aching kidneys. For three years.

Bigger is not always better. Trust me.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:04 PM on October 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

The real problem there was that he was "nice".
posted by Zambrano at 6:56 PM on October 27, 2008