"Page loading" warning prevents flagging October 24, 2009 2:06 PM Subscribe
I'm getting a Javascript popup saying "The page is still loading, please wait to flag." while trying to flag this question.
The page is definitely loaded, Firefox shows no activity in the spinner thingy. Running Firefox 3.0.14 on Ubuntu.
Trying to flag that question because the pile of links smells fishy for a brand new member.
The page is definitely loaded, Firefox shows no activity in the spinner thingy. Running Firefox 3.0.14 on Ubuntu.
Trying to flag that question because the pile of links smells fishy for a brand new member.
I spent a long time searching Metafilter and manifold websites for suggestions on the best books that address these issues as comprehensibly as possible. I've pasted the results below.
Well, first off, you have no reason to flag anyway, in my opinion.
posted by Askiba at 2:08 PM on October 24, 2009
Well, first off, you have no reason to flag anyway, in my opinion.
posted by Askiba at 2:08 PM on October 24, 2009
Oops, hit enter too soon. But yes, that has happened on occasion to me, but a restart fixes for the most part.
posted by Askiba at 2:08 PM on October 24, 2009
posted by Askiba at 2:08 PM on October 24, 2009
You're probably having trouble loading a JavaScript library that's required for flagging. Try loading this file directly from Google in your browser. If it loads, go back to the page and try flagging again. If it doesn't load, there's something preventing you from getting that file. Most likely it would be a temporary DNS issue.
posted by pb (staff) at 2:09 PM on October 24, 2009
posted by pb (staff) at 2:09 PM on October 24, 2009
pb, your link loaded right away for me. Of course, I'm not having the problem now, so it doesn't really prove anything... I guess it's just something to watch out for. I haven't been having DNS or other connectivity issues, in general.
posted by knave at 2:12 PM on October 24, 2009
posted by knave at 2:12 PM on October 24, 2009
Might just be a browser bug?
Probably a network bug. I'm guessing your DNS server couldn't resolve
posted by pb (staff) at 2:13 PM on October 24, 2009
Probably a network bug. I'm guessing your DNS server couldn't resolve
ajax.googleapis.com for some reason so Firefox stopped trying to retrieve the file. A hard refresh (Command+Shift+R) probably would have forced Firefox to check again, but a restart will do it too.posted by pb (staff) at 2:13 PM on October 24, 2009
A hard refresh (Command+Shift+R)
A hard refresh (Command+Shift+R)
-_-
posted by adamdschneider at 2:17 PM on October 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
A hard refresh (Command+Shift+R)
-_-
posted by adamdschneider at 2:17 PM on October 24, 2009 [3 favorites]
Well, first off, you have no reason to flag anyway, in my opinion.
You're entitled to your opinion, of course, but if something strikes a MeFite as hinky, why not flag it?
It seems hinky to me, too; also, I didn't realize AskMes could be posted without prior activity.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:28 PM on October 24, 2009
You're entitled to your opinion, of course, but if something strikes a MeFite as hinky, why not flag it?
It seems hinky to me, too; also, I didn't realize AskMes could be posted without prior activity.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:28 PM on October 24, 2009
Well, first off, you have no reason to flag anyway, in my opinion.
And you know what they say about opinions. Maybe knave wanted to flag it as 'excellent post.' It's not really a pile of links, more like a pile of text. Red Hat Society?
posted by fixedgear at 2:36 PM on October 24, 2009
And you know what they say about opinions. Maybe knave wanted to flag it as 'excellent post.' It's not really a pile of links, more like a pile of text. Red Hat Society?
posted by fixedgear at 2:36 PM on October 24, 2009
What possible nefarious reason could a new MeFite have for promoting work by Dale Carnegie, Alan Garner, Margaret Shepherd, Catherine Blyth, Temple Grandin, Debra Fine, Bhante H. Gunaratana, Alan Watts, etc. etc.? I'm all in favor of hunting down spammers with fire and sword, but this is ridiculous paranoia. It seems clear that cotesdurhone is 1) trying to preempt suggestions of things already known and 2) trying to provide a public service in exchange for the favor being asked. BURN HIM/HER!!
posted by languagehat at 2:55 PM on October 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 2:55 PM on October 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
There are other reasons to flag it besides suspected spamming. Like, it's a giant mess.
posted by Bookhouse at 2:58 PM on October 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Bookhouse at 2:58 PM on October 24, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't know why there's a debate about why the OP wanted to flag the question. He states "Trying to flag that question because the pile of links smells fishy for a brand new member."
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:08 PM on October 24, 2009
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:08 PM on October 24, 2009
BURN HIM/HER!!
Nobody's advocating burning anybody, knave just feels, not without justification I think, that it warrants a mod's attention. As we just discussed, that's what flags are for. Unless he's trying to back-door it, this thread isn't even a callout of the post; he was just explaining where the problem occurred.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 3:20 PM on October 24, 2009
Nobody's advocating burning anybody, knave just feels, not without justification I think, that it warrants a mod's attention. As we just discussed, that's what flags are for. Unless he's trying to back-door it, this thread isn't even a callout of the post; he was just explaining where the problem occurred.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 3:20 PM on October 24, 2009
Well, he is a knave. What did you expect him to be flagging?
posted by koeselitz at 3:28 PM on October 24, 2009
posted by koeselitz at 3:28 PM on October 24, 2009
By the way, knave, if you have trouble flagging in the future, you may find that this flag works better.
posted by koeselitz at 3:40 PM on October 24, 2009
posted by koeselitz at 3:40 PM on October 24, 2009
Well, first off, you have no reason to flag anyway, in my opinion.
When in doubt...flag and move on, since there's people who are paid to determine if something smells fishy.
The ones I hate, are the posts I know suck, but that I still like. Those that you favorite and flag. Those create cognitive dissonance.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:00 PM on October 24, 2009
When in doubt...flag and move on, since there's people who are paid to determine if something smells fishy.
The ones I hate, are the posts I know suck, but that I still like. Those that you favorite and flag. Those create cognitive dissonance.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:00 PM on October 24, 2009
The ones I hate, are the posts I know suck, but that I still like. Those that you favorite and flag. Those create cognitive dissonance.
This is my thing too, and the reason I never flag (I think I have maybe once, total) just because I'm also the guy with the deleted thread greasemonkey script enabled so that I can check out what got shitcanned before anything else, for whatever reason.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:17 PM on October 24, 2009
This is my thing too, and the reason I never flag (I think I have maybe once, total) just because I'm also the guy with the deleted thread greasemonkey script enabled so that I can check out what got shitcanned before anything else, for whatever reason.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:17 PM on October 24, 2009
yeah, I spend too much time on deletedthread.blogspot.com
posted by cjorgensen at 6:24 PM on October 24, 2009
posted by cjorgensen at 6:24 PM on October 24, 2009
Continued from here. For full list check ocherdraco's profile.
445. If you are worried about oversleeping get a lobster to come pinch you when the sun rises. The worst case scenario is that it draws blood which soils your lederhosen lightly.
posted by Kattullus at 10:22 AM on November 1, 2009
445. If you are worried about oversleeping get a lobster to come pinch you when the sun rises. The worst case scenario is that it draws blood which soils your lederhosen lightly.
posted by Kattullus at 10:22 AM on November 1, 2009
446. To remove the stain from the lederhosen, click the "remove stain" link on your recent lobster page. Pat Sajak needs a hug.
posted by not_on_display at 11:56 AM on November 1, 2009
posted by not_on_display at 11:56 AM on November 1, 2009
448.
There is nothing you can do to avoid it, your resistance will only delay the inevitable: clocks will melt, the bubble spiral will pulse, the lederhosen will become stained, the lobster will mount his giraffe steed and enter glorious battle.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:30 PM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
There is nothing you can do to avoid it, your resistance will only delay the inevitable: clocks will melt, the bubble spiral will pulse, the lederhosen will become stained, the lobster will mount his giraffe steed and enter glorious battle.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:30 PM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
449.
<>( '_')/\('_' )>
posted by ocherdraco at 7:44 PM on November 1, 2009
/￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣\
| HIGH FIVE! GOOD SURREALISM! |
\ /
￣￣￣￣V￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣<>( '_')/\('_' )>
posted by ocherdraco at 7:44 PM on November 1, 2009
450. Exhaust the lobster until what was inside it has lightly soiled your lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 6:18 AM on November 2, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 6:18 AM on November 2, 2009
451.
I sing the Lobster electric! I rammed its claws into the socket and ka-pow! It sprayed its guts all over the kitchen, staining, albeit lightly, my brand-new lederhosen, and ruining what I had hoped would be an innovative new way of making chocolate mousse.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:04 AM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I sing the Lobster electric! I rammed its claws into the socket and ka-pow! It sprayed its guts all over the kitchen, staining, albeit lightly, my brand-new lederhosen, and ruining what I had hoped would be an innovative new way of making chocolate mousse.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:04 AM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
452.
I don't know what she drank but it knocked her right out and when she woke up she was decidedly smaller and underwater. She had fins, flippers and some other appendages she had as yet figured out. And so many legs. Aaaaaaaahh it felt good to feels them rustle and scramble underneath her, propelling her across the dark sea-floor. And the water -smelled- so many smells. The egg jelly was heavy in her tail. Oh, life was good!
I spent a lot of time trying to explain to my friend, mikey how she ended up in the lobster trap, in (surprisingly) only lightly stained lederhosen, and don't think I really convinced him as he still wanted to boil and eat her. It was a long ride back to the dock.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:08 AM on November 2, 2009
I don't know what she drank but it knocked her right out and when she woke up she was decidedly smaller and underwater. She had fins, flippers and some other appendages she had as yet figured out. And so many legs. Aaaaaaaahh it felt good to feels them rustle and scramble underneath her, propelling her across the dark sea-floor. And the water -smelled- so many smells. The egg jelly was heavy in her tail. Oh, life was good!
I spent a lot of time trying to explain to my friend, mikey how she ended up in the lobster trap, in (surprisingly) only lightly stained lederhosen, and don't think I really convinced him as he still wanted to boil and eat her. It was a long ride back to the dock.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:08 AM on November 2, 2009
453. Call the lobster a goddamn pig in a public setting and talk about the time it betrayed you. When the lobster cries cradle it and tell it that it's okay, that anyone can be horrible and that you can help it rebuild itself. It will probably offer to pay for the cleaning of your lederhosen which were lightly soiled by its tears. You're pretty sure lobsters can't shed tears.
posted by Kattullus at 7:37 PM on November 2, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 7:37 PM on November 2, 2009
454.
Sun Salutation Instruction
There are many variations to performing the Sun Salutation and I have provided basic instructions for you to follow below. Is the Sun Salutation your first yoga exercise? Then perhaps you'll want to know what you should wear while you practice yoga. The right yoga clothes will make your exercises a lot more enjoyable.
It would help, if you knowing what you shouldn’t wear. Don’t wear anything that will restrict bodily movements. The obvious items including jeans, dress shirts will not allow the body to relax and breathe freely. As simple as it is, make sure that you take the time to use the proper clothing. Here are some things to look for in good clothing choices for yoga:
Loose-fitting is good- Form fitting clothing restricts the blood flow inhibits the correct breathing techniques. You should be able to able to perform various yoga poses. Try yoga shorts, sweat clothes, leotards or yoga pants.
Sweat absorbent- Lastly, there are some clothing options that are excellent. For example, the materials that they are made of are able to absorb sweat and keep it away from the skin. Look for specific yoga clothing selections for these.
Comfortable- You should be comfortable wearing whatever you choose. Since the objective is to relax you should never be worried about what you look like.
Lederhosen- Lederhosen are never wrong. They bring balance to the universe, and help align your chakras.
All set? Let's begin.
1.Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Stand with both feet together and exhale fully.
2. Urdhva Hastasana or Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling stretch both arms above the head with palms facing upward and arching the back slightly.
3. Padahastasana or Hand to Foot Posture
Exhale as you bend the body forward and down, keeping the spine straight, and knees relaxing without locking them.
4. Ashwa Sanchalasana, Equestrian or Lunge Posture
On the next inhalation, extend your left leg back and drop the knee to the ground. The right knee is bent and is in line with the hands with the right foot flat on the ground. Lift the spine and open the chest.
5. Parvatasana, Downward Facing Dog, or Mountain Posture
Exhaling, bring the right leg back to join the left leg. Simultaneously raising the buttocks and lowering the head between the arms. The body should form a triangle with the floor. Try to place the heels flat on the ground. Take a deep inhalation while maintaining the posture.
6. Ashtanga Namaskara or Salutation with Eight Limbs
Exhaling gently drop both knees to the ground and slowly slide the body down at an angle as you bring the chest and chin to the ground. All eight limbs--toes, knees, chest, hand and chin should touch the floor.
7. Bhujangasana, Upward Facing Dog, or Cobra Posture
On the inhalation, lower the hips while pushing the chest forward and upward with the hands until the spine is fully arched and the head is facing upward. The knees and abdomen should remain on the floor.
8. Back to Downward Facing Dog or Mountain Posture
Exhale and repeat the Downward Facing Dog or Mountain posture.
9. Back to the Lunge or Equestrian Posture
Inhaling swing the right leg foward between the hands returning the the Lunge or Equestrian Posture.
10. Back to Hand to Foot Posture
Exhaling bring the foot forward. Join both legs together returning to the Hand to Foot Posture.
11. Back to Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling raise the trunk up and bend backwards slightly returning to the Raised Arm Posture.
12. Back to Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Straighten the body and bring the hand in front of the chest returning to Tadasan.
You have completed the first half of the Sun Salutation. To complete the next half the right leg is brought back in the Lunge posture and the left foot is brought foward in posture 9. One complete round consists of this exercise done twice.
Namaste, and see you next week.
—The Lobster
posted by ocherdraco at 8:17 PM on November 2, 2009
Sun Salutation Instruction
There are many variations to performing the Sun Salutation and I have provided basic instructions for you to follow below. Is the Sun Salutation your first yoga exercise? Then perhaps you'll want to know what you should wear while you practice yoga. The right yoga clothes will make your exercises a lot more enjoyable.
It would help, if you knowing what you shouldn’t wear. Don’t wear anything that will restrict bodily movements. The obvious items including jeans, dress shirts will not allow the body to relax and breathe freely. As simple as it is, make sure that you take the time to use the proper clothing. Here are some things to look for in good clothing choices for yoga:
Loose-fitting is good- Form fitting clothing restricts the blood flow inhibits the correct breathing techniques. You should be able to able to perform various yoga poses. Try yoga shorts, sweat clothes, leotards or yoga pants.
Sweat absorbent- Lastly, there are some clothing options that are excellent. For example, the materials that they are made of are able to absorb sweat and keep it away from the skin. Look for specific yoga clothing selections for these.
Comfortable- You should be comfortable wearing whatever you choose. Since the objective is to relax you should never be worried about what you look like.
Lederhosen- Lederhosen are never wrong. They bring balance to the universe, and help align your chakras.
All set? Let's begin.
1.Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Stand with both feet together and exhale fully.
2. Urdhva Hastasana or Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling stretch both arms above the head with palms facing upward and arching the back slightly.
3. Padahastasana or Hand to Foot Posture
Exhale as you bend the body forward and down, keeping the spine straight, and knees relaxing without locking them.
4. Ashwa Sanchalasana, Equestrian or Lunge Posture
On the next inhalation, extend your left leg back and drop the knee to the ground. The right knee is bent and is in line with the hands with the right foot flat on the ground. Lift the spine and open the chest.
5. Parvatasana, Downward Facing Dog, or Mountain Posture
Exhaling, bring the right leg back to join the left leg. Simultaneously raising the buttocks and lowering the head between the arms. The body should form a triangle with the floor. Try to place the heels flat on the ground. Take a deep inhalation while maintaining the posture.
6. Ashtanga Namaskara or Salutation with Eight Limbs
Exhaling gently drop both knees to the ground and slowly slide the body down at an angle as you bring the chest and chin to the ground. All eight limbs--toes, knees, chest, hand and chin should touch the floor.
7. Bhujangasana, Upward Facing Dog, or Cobra Posture
On the inhalation, lower the hips while pushing the chest forward and upward with the hands until the spine is fully arched and the head is facing upward. The knees and abdomen should remain on the floor.
8. Back to Downward Facing Dog or Mountain Posture
Exhale and repeat the Downward Facing Dog or Mountain posture.
9. Back to the Lunge or Equestrian Posture
Inhaling swing the right leg foward between the hands returning the the Lunge or Equestrian Posture.
10. Back to Hand to Foot Posture
Exhaling bring the foot forward. Join both legs together returning to the Hand to Foot Posture.
11. Back to Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling raise the trunk up and bend backwards slightly returning to the Raised Arm Posture.
12. Back to Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Straighten the body and bring the hand in front of the chest returning to Tadasan.
You have completed the first half of the Sun Salutation. To complete the next half the right leg is brought back in the Lunge posture and the left foot is brought foward in posture 9. One complete round consists of this exercise done twice.
Namaste, and see you next week.
—The Lobster
posted by ocherdraco at 8:17 PM on November 2, 2009
455.
Sun Salutation Instruction
There are many variations to performing the Sun Salutation but here are some basic instructions for you to follow below from here underneath this phrase that is running on. Is the Sun Salutation your first yoga exercise? Yes it is and you'll want to know what you should wear while you practice yoga. The right yoga clothes will hopefully (I don't believe this myself but I'll say it anyway) make your exercises deeply pleasurable, they will free your chakras and brew you the perfect cup of coffee with real milk not that coffee whitener shit. (That part I do believe.)
Don’t wear anything that will restrict bodily movements. That means jeans, dress shirts and/or belts that hold your limbs to the sides of your bodies. You know what I mean but if you don't come to my office after class and maybe I'll show you *wink wink grabs own crotch.* Here are some things to look for in good clothing choices for yoga:
Form fitting clothing restricts the blood flow inhibits the correct breathing techniques. You should be able to able to perform various yoga poses. Try yoga shorts, sweat clothes, leotards or yoga pants. Avoid rubber bands around the legs or pincers, obviously.
Sweat absorbent- There are some trees that can exist in a desert environment and others which need to be in a rainforest. I know, you know that already, but still some people need to be told.
Comfortable- You should be comfortable wearing whatever you choose. Since the objective is to relax you should never be worried about what you look like. Mini skirts are good, as are halter-tops (on men) and short-shorts.
Lederhosen- Lederhosen are never, ever wrong. They bring balance to the universe, and help align your chakras. It's almost never mentioned in the literature but I have it on pretty good authority that Guatemala the Bhudda himself was a big fan of Lederhosen and was in fact wearing a particularly supply pair when he attained enlightenment.
All set? Let's think about the universe.
1.Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Stand with all you feet together and exhale fully.
2. Urdhva Hastasana or Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling stretch all your arms above the head and snip at that fucking net.
3. Padahastasana or Hand to Foot Posture
This is confusing, but basically, bend over.
4. Ashwa Sanchalasana, Equestrian or Lung Posture
On the next inhalation, extend your left legs back. The right knees are bent and in line with the pincers. Put out your cigarette, and lean up and back a little. Take another nip or two at that net - you probably can cut through it. (You can't, actually, and it'll kill you but I don't wanna be a downer.)
5. Parvatasana, Mountain Impostor
Exhaling, bring the right legs back to join the left legs. Simultaneously raise your tail to the heavens, swing your eye stalks down to look at your nether regions. Think about decay and the inevitable termination of all of us. Breath in deeply the salt-water and taste for death. Think about the mud and the acrid smell you haven't been able to get away from for the last forty years. Curse the stars.
6. Ashtanga Namaskara or Salutation with Eight Limbs
Exhaling gently drop your knees to the ground gently and slowly slide the body gently down at a gentle angle as you bring the chest and chin to the mud like the drift of matter that settles like snow on the ocean floor. All eight limbs--toes, knees, chest, hand and chin should touch the floor. You should feel like an eel having sex with a flounder.
7. Bhujangasana, Upward Facing Dog.
On the inhalation, lower the hips while pushing the chest forward and upward with the pincers. That's right, it's an invitation to have sex, that your egg jelly is ripe - well, sometimes yoga is saucy, what can I say?
8. Back to Impostor Mountain
Exhale and repeat the Mountain impostor. Revisit all the thoughts of despair.
9. Back to the Lunge or Equestrian Posture
Inhaling swing the right legs forward returning the the Lunge or gently frequently Equestrian.
10. Back to Hand to Foot to Knee to Chin Posture
Exhaling bring both the foot forward and to the side. Join four legs together referencing the lotus.
11. Back to Raised Arm and Antenna Posture
Inhaling raise the trunk up and bend backwards, thrust your tusks into the air as though man never existed and hunted you. Dream for a moment of the wooly mammut and the pygmy elephant of the plains of North America. You could crush a car. You will not live out the century. Your name is as writ on water.
12. Back to Tadasana
There is no hope, there never has been, only what we can convince ourselves of in the moment. Your heart pounds futilely and your head throbs and it will not change anything. Through the glass kids point at you and laugh. The plants come up in the spring, or not, the jungle flourishes, or dies. Deserts expand, oceans die under the weight of pollution. The North Sea, in all it's beauty and turbulence, calls you as persuasively as sex. You will survive you can survive you will survive you can survive.
You have completed the first half of the Sun Salutation and it does not matter. To complete the next half the right leg is brought back into the Lung and the left foot is brought foward into posture 9, but on its side. One complete round consists of this exercise done twice. You get into your car and drive to the shop where they sell donuts. They taste like shit, and you have to pay money for them. No one seems to appreciate the absurdity of this. Their coffee is garbage too.
Namaste and remember, suffering is an illusion (as is, no, really, love).
—The Lobster
posted by From Bklyn at 11:53 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sun Salutation Instruction
There are many variations to performing the Sun Salutation but here are some basic instructions for you to follow below from here underneath this phrase that is running on. Is the Sun Salutation your first yoga exercise? Yes it is and you'll want to know what you should wear while you practice yoga. The right yoga clothes will hopefully (I don't believe this myself but I'll say it anyway) make your exercises deeply pleasurable, they will free your chakras and brew you the perfect cup of coffee with real milk not that coffee whitener shit. (That part I do believe.)
Don’t wear anything that will restrict bodily movements. That means jeans, dress shirts and/or belts that hold your limbs to the sides of your bodies. You know what I mean but if you don't come to my office after class and maybe I'll show you *wink wink grabs own crotch.* Here are some things to look for in good clothing choices for yoga:
Form fitting clothing restricts the blood flow inhibits the correct breathing techniques. You should be able to able to perform various yoga poses. Try yoga shorts, sweat clothes, leotards or yoga pants. Avoid rubber bands around the legs or pincers, obviously.
Sweat absorbent- There are some trees that can exist in a desert environment and others which need to be in a rainforest. I know, you know that already, but still some people need to be told.
Comfortable- You should be comfortable wearing whatever you choose. Since the objective is to relax you should never be worried about what you look like. Mini skirts are good, as are halter-tops (on men) and short-shorts.
Lederhosen- Lederhosen are never, ever wrong. They bring balance to the universe, and help align your chakras. It's almost never mentioned in the literature but I have it on pretty good authority that Guatemala the Bhudda himself was a big fan of Lederhosen and was in fact wearing a particularly supply pair when he attained enlightenment.
All set? Let's think about the universe.
1.Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Stand with all you feet together and exhale fully.
2. Urdhva Hastasana or Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling stretch all your arms above the head and snip at that fucking net.
3. Padahastasana or Hand to Foot Posture
This is confusing, but basically, bend over.
4. Ashwa Sanchalasana, Equestrian or Lung Posture
On the next inhalation, extend your left legs back. The right knees are bent and in line with the pincers. Put out your cigarette, and lean up and back a little. Take another nip or two at that net - you probably can cut through it. (You can't, actually, and it'll kill you but I don't wanna be a downer.)
5. Parvatasana, Mountain Impostor
Exhaling, bring the right legs back to join the left legs. Simultaneously raise your tail to the heavens, swing your eye stalks down to look at your nether regions. Think about decay and the inevitable termination of all of us. Breath in deeply the salt-water and taste for death. Think about the mud and the acrid smell you haven't been able to get away from for the last forty years. Curse the stars.
6. Ashtanga Namaskara or Salutation with Eight Limbs
Exhaling gently drop your knees to the ground gently and slowly slide the body gently down at a gentle angle as you bring the chest and chin to the mud like the drift of matter that settles like snow on the ocean floor. All eight limbs--toes, knees, chest, hand and chin should touch the floor. You should feel like an eel having sex with a flounder.
7. Bhujangasana, Upward Facing Dog.
On the inhalation, lower the hips while pushing the chest forward and upward with the pincers. That's right, it's an invitation to have sex, that your egg jelly is ripe - well, sometimes yoga is saucy, what can I say?
8. Back to Impostor Mountain
Exhale and repeat the Mountain impostor. Revisit all the thoughts of despair.
9. Back to the Lunge or Equestrian Posture
Inhaling swing the right legs forward returning the the Lunge or gently frequently Equestrian.
10. Back to Hand to Foot to Knee to Chin Posture
Exhaling bring both the foot forward and to the side. Join four legs together referencing the lotus.
11. Back to Raised Arm and Antenna Posture
Inhaling raise the trunk up and bend backwards, thrust your tusks into the air as though man never existed and hunted you. Dream for a moment of the wooly mammut and the pygmy elephant of the plains of North America. You could crush a car. You will not live out the century. Your name is as writ on water.
12. Back to Tadasana
There is no hope, there never has been, only what we can convince ourselves of in the moment. Your heart pounds futilely and your head throbs and it will not change anything. Through the glass kids point at you and laugh. The plants come up in the spring, or not, the jungle flourishes, or dies. Deserts expand, oceans die under the weight of pollution. The North Sea, in all it's beauty and turbulence, calls you as persuasively as sex. You will survive you can survive you will survive you can survive.
You have completed the first half of the Sun Salutation and it does not matter. To complete the next half the right leg is brought back into the Lung and the left foot is brought foward into posture 9, but on its side. One complete round consists of this exercise done twice. You get into your car and drive to the shop where they sell donuts. They taste like shit, and you have to pay money for them. No one seems to appreciate the absurdity of this. Their coffee is garbage too.
Namaste and remember, suffering is an illusion (as is, no, really, love).
—The Lobster
posted by From Bklyn at 11:53 PM on November 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
456.
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There are many variations to performing the Mushroom Forest Salutation and I have provided basic instructions for you to follow in the "detailed view" page, which can be viewed by clicking "I accept" in the info box appearing above this webpage. Is the Mushroom Forest Salutation pulsating? You bet!
Then perhaps you'll want to know what you should wear while you practice yoga. It is PULSATING, HOLY SHIT!!!1
It would help, if you knowing what you shouldn’t wear. That is why this detailed view has been provided here on the Internet for you free of charge. Don’t wear anything that will restrict pulsation. The obvious items including jeans, dress shirts, rubber bondage corsets and the like, dress shirts, dress shirts with ties - will not allow the body to relax and breathe freely. This is a natural part of pulsation and nothing to feelo embarrassed or ashamed about, even though you are Dutch. At least you can sleep at night knowing you are not Belgian, bless their tiny withered hearts. As simple as it is, make sure that you take the time to use the proper clothing. Here are some things to look for in HOLY FUCK IT IS PULSATING LIKE A JESFFERSON AIRPLANE AMOEBA!!!1:
Lederhosen- Lederhosen are never wrong. They bring balance to the universe, and help align your chakras. You can use them as a limp and ineffective whip or club when battling the roofing contractors who would deny your fundamental right to express yourself through reading "Detailed view: 455. Sun Salutation Instruction" (do not include quotes).
All set? Let's begin.
1.Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Stand with both feet together and imitate "The Badger". They can't hurt you anymore, you are beyond that petty highschool bullshit. There is nothing inherently wrong with that thing you do.
2. Urdhva Hastasana or Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling stretch both arms above the head with palms facing upward and arching the back slightly.
3. Padahastasana or Hand to Foot Posture
Exhale as you bend the body forward and down, keeping the spine straight, and knees relaxing without locking them.
4. Ashwa Sanchalasana, Equestrian or Lunge Posture
On the next inhalation, extend your left leg back and drop the knee to the ground. The right knee is bent and is in line with the hands with the right foot flat on the ground. Lift the spine and open the chest.
5. Parvatasana, Downward Facing Dog, or Mountain Posture
This posture is not available in "detailed view" - please use your browser "simplify" button to see the simplified view for "457. Simulated Poop Stain"
6. Ashtanga Namaskara or Salutation with Eight Limbs
This is the best posture, and is only available for platinum plus site members. Please prepare your credit card and a representative will be over in a jiffy, darn tootin', HOLY FUCK MAN PLEASE MAKE IT STOP PULSATING LIKE THAT.
7. Bhujangasana, Upward Vomiting Dog "1cup style"
This posture is not available in "detailed view" - please use your browser "simplify" button to see the simplified view for "457. Simulated Poop Stain"
8. Back to Downward Facing Dog or Mountain Posture
Exhale and repeat the Downward Facing Dog or Mountain posture.
9. Back to the Lunge or Equestrian Posture
Inhaling swing the right leg foward between the hands returning the the Lunge or Equestrian Posture. For more detail on why the previous entries do not have bolded titles, call the 1-800 number on the bottom of your screen - operators are standing by snarfing your bubble spiral and sodomizing your mom!! Yes, you heard right, I just gave a big shout out to your fat whore mom.
10. Back to Hand to Foot Posture
Exhaling bring the foot forward. Join both legs together returning to the Hand to Foot Posture.
11. Back to Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling raise the trunk up and bend backwards slightly returning to the Raised Arm Posture.
12. Back to Tadasana
Ok, this is the free part that is most interesting, so glad you have managed to read this far. Trust me, in a minute you will see that it is totally worth it!
Go to Africa and establish a relationship with wildlife smugglers. When you've won their trust, arrange a shipment of 285 young giraffes to your home country. If you are a resident of sub-saharan Africa you can skip[ this step and move directly to the detailed view: "752. Training your mutant giraffe cavalry mounts"
The next stage can be delegated to your equestrian training / handling team.
Train the Lobster Grenadiers to ride the mounts. In initial combat trials you may wish to have the lobsters dismount prior to battle, but you'll nevertheless immediately see the benefit through increased mobility (+2MP, ignore mushroom forest terrain modifiers, +1 additional MP if entire turn spent on roads).
Namaste and remember, I just fucked your mom.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:38 AM on November 3, 2009
Detail: Sun Salutation Instruction
You have chosen to see the detailed view for: Sun Salutation Instruction
Use your browser "back button" to see the detailed view for: 455. Sun Salutation Instruction
Use your browser "forward" button to see the detailed view for: 457. Simulated Poop Stain Instruction
You must have the newtest version of javascript enabled to see all of the formatting on the detailed view pages. If this page is not displaying correctly, you do not have the newtest version of javascript enabled on this computer. To download the newtest version of javascript, go to http://www.google.com, and type "download the newtest version of Dutch javascript in the search form field. Follow the first link displayed on the first search page.
There are many variations to performing the Mushroom Forest Salutation and I have provided basic instructions for you to follow in the "detailed view" page, which can be viewed by clicking "I accept" in the info box appearing above this webpage. Is the Mushroom Forest Salutation pulsating? You bet!
Then perhaps you'll want to know what you should wear while you practice yoga. It is PULSATING, HOLY SHIT!!!1
It would help, if you knowing what you shouldn’t wear. That is why this detailed view has been provided here on the Internet for you free of charge. Don’t wear anything that will restrict pulsation. The obvious items including jeans, dress shirts, rubber bondage corsets and the like, dress shirts, dress shirts with ties - will not allow the body to relax and breathe freely. This is a natural part of pulsation and nothing to feelo embarrassed or ashamed about, even though you are Dutch. At least you can sleep at night knowing you are not Belgian, bless their tiny withered hearts. As simple as it is, make sure that you take the time to use the proper clothing. Here are some things to look for in HOLY FUCK IT IS PULSATING LIKE A JESFFERSON AIRPLANE AMOEBA!!!1:
Lederhosen- Lederhosen are never wrong. They bring balance to the universe, and help align your chakras. You can use them as a limp and ineffective whip or club when battling the roofing contractors who would deny your fundamental right to express yourself through reading "Detailed view: 455. Sun Salutation Instruction" (do not include quotes).
All set? Let's begin.
1.Tadasana or Salutation Posture
Stand with both feet together and imitate "The Badger". They can't hurt you anymore, you are beyond that petty highschool bullshit. There is nothing inherently wrong with that thing you do.
2. Urdhva Hastasana or Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling stretch both arms above the head with palms facing upward and arching the back slightly.
3. Padahastasana or Hand to Foot Posture
Exhale as you bend the body forward and down, keeping the spine straight, and knees relaxing without locking them.
4. Ashwa Sanchalasana, Equestrian or Lunge Posture
On the next inhalation, extend your left leg back and drop the knee to the ground. The right knee is bent and is in line with the hands with the right foot flat on the ground. Lift the spine and open the chest.
5. Parvatasana, Downward Facing Dog, or Mountain Posture
This posture is not available in "detailed view" - please use your browser "simplify" button to see the simplified view for "457. Simulated Poop Stain"
6. Ashtanga Namaskara or Salutation with Eight Limbs
This is the best posture, and is only available for platinum plus site members. Please prepare your credit card and a representative will be over in a jiffy, darn tootin', HOLY FUCK MAN PLEASE MAKE IT STOP PULSATING LIKE THAT.
7. Bhujangasana, Upward Vomiting Dog "1cup style"
This posture is not available in "detailed view" - please use your browser "simplify" button to see the simplified view for "457. Simulated Poop Stain"
8. Back to Downward Facing Dog or Mountain Posture
Exhale and repeat the Downward Facing Dog or Mountain posture.
9. Back to the Lunge or Equestrian Posture
Inhaling swing the right leg foward between the hands returning the the Lunge or Equestrian Posture. For more detail on why the previous entries do not have bolded titles, call the 1-800 number on the bottom of your screen - operators are standing by snarfing your bubble spiral and sodomizing your mom!! Yes, you heard right, I just gave a big shout out to your fat whore mom.
10. Back to Hand to Foot Posture
Exhaling bring the foot forward. Join both legs together returning to the Hand to Foot Posture.
11. Back to Raised Arm Posture
Inhaling raise the trunk up and bend backwards slightly returning to the Raised Arm Posture.
12. Back to Tadasana
Ok, this is the free part that is most interesting, so glad you have managed to read this far. Trust me, in a minute you will see that it is totally worth it!
Go to Africa and establish a relationship with wildlife smugglers. When you've won their trust, arrange a shipment of 285 young giraffes to your home country. If you are a resident of sub-saharan Africa you can skip[ this step and move directly to the detailed view: "752. Training your mutant giraffe cavalry mounts"
The next stage can be delegated to your equestrian training / handling team.
Train the Lobster Grenadiers to ride the mounts. In initial combat trials you may wish to have the lobsters dismount prior to battle, but you'll nevertheless immediately see the benefit through increased mobility (+2MP, ignore mushroom forest terrain modifiers, +1 additional MP if entire turn spent on roads).
Namaste and remember, I just fucked your mom.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:38 AM on November 3, 2009
457.
Simulated Poop Stain Instruction
Pulped lobster acts as a primitive dye, rub a small amount in the "poop stain" area of your lederhosen. Don't overdo it! Overstaining will give the game away, it will not look more like poop when the stain is larger or darker, a little dab will do ya. Take it from a pro!
posted by Meatbomb at 5:42 AM on November 3, 2009
Simulated Poop Stain Instruction
Pulped lobster acts as a primitive dye, rub a small amount in the "poop stain" area of your lederhosen. Don't overdo it! Overstaining will give the game away, it will not look more like poop when the stain is larger or darker, a little dab will do ya. Take it from a pro!
posted by Meatbomb at 5:42 AM on November 3, 2009
458. Make sure you wear lightly-soiled lederhosen or else the lobster will carry you away and keep you in a cage.
posted by Kattullus at 10:43 AM on November 3, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 10:43 AM on November 3, 2009
459. If you've got a lobster down your throat no mere lozenge, no not mint tea with honey, no cup of hot toddy, not even big N small y big fucking Q NyQuil will dislodge it and get your voice back. No, not even making references to somewhat suspect early 90s comedy albums. You'll need to stuff a goddamn pair of lightly-soiled lederhosen down there. Only that will work.
posted by Kattullus at 9:21 PM on November 3, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 9:21 PM on November 3, 2009
459.b. (intermission)
As I was going to Giant Mushroom Forest
I met a lobster with seven thingies
And every thingy had seven Jefferson Airplanes
And every Jefferson Airplane had seven lederhosen.
Lobsters, thingies, Jefferson Airplanes, lederhosen,
How many were going to Giant Mushroom Forest?
posted by Meatbomb at 1:58 AM on November 4, 2009
As I was going to Giant Mushroom Forest
I met a lobster with seven thingies
And every thingy had seven Jefferson Airplanes
And every Jefferson Airplane had seven lederhosen.
Lobsters, thingies, Jefferson Airplanes, lederhosen,
How many were going to Giant Mushroom Forest?
posted by Meatbomb at 1:58 AM on November 4, 2009
Oi, I totally fucked that up, may the gods take pity on me!
If it pleases my fellow surrealists I would humbly withdraw the text of 459.b. (intermission) and replace it as follows:
As I was going to Giant Mushroom Forest
I met a lobster with seven thingies
And every thingy had seven Jefferson Airplanes
And every Jefferson Airplane had seven lederhosen
And every lederhosen had seven simulated poop smears.
Thingies, Jefferson Airplanes, lederhosen, simulated poop smears,
How many were going to Giant Mushroom Forest?
posted by Meatbomb at 2:05 AM on November 4, 2009
If it pleases my fellow surrealists I would humbly withdraw the text of 459.b. (intermission) and replace it as follows:
As I was going to Giant Mushroom Forest
I met a lobster with seven thingies
And every thingy had seven Jefferson Airplanes
And every Jefferson Airplane had seven lederhosen
And every lederhosen had seven simulated poop smears.
Thingies, Jefferson Airplanes, lederhosen, simulated poop smears,
How many were going to Giant Mushroom Forest?
posted by Meatbomb at 2:05 AM on November 4, 2009
460.
Sigh.
The lobster wishes that everyone would stop saying the stains on her lederhosen are poop smears. They aren't. It's just that her exoskeleton looks like lederhosen, okay, and her mottling veers from red to brown right there.
Jesus.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:59 AM on November 4, 2009
Sigh.
The lobster wishes that everyone would stop saying the stains on her lederhosen are poop smears. They aren't. It's just that her exoskeleton looks like lederhosen, okay, and her mottling veers from red to brown right there.
Jesus.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:59 AM on November 4, 2009
461. A lobster won't give you good advice, not on how to handle your boyfriend's decision not to move with you to DC where you're starting a Ph.D. program, not how best to clean your pair of lightly soiled lederhosen, not how to loosen a stripped screw and not how to best cook that ostrich egg your kid bought for you on father's day. It will, however, listen to you and wave its limbs about and that will help you, at least, articulate your problems to yourself.
posted by Kattullus at 9:40 AM on November 4, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 9:40 AM on November 4, 2009
462. OK, OK, hey I am a fun lobster too, and it's completely understandable that you want to just dance one more Schuhplattler. But honestly, it isn't like I am coming down on you or anything, but this is totally illegal. I am not ratting you out to Pat Sajak because it makes me feel good.
Don't think just because Mark Hammill and the bubble spiral are playing that makes it all right. You can be sure that when peanut butter gets my report there will be MULTIPLE trips to the hat factory. There will be egg on feces. People will be eating their lederhosen, eating spaghetti. Humble fly, bitter flute, etc.
Last chance guys. I won't "stain" those of you who immediately stop, and sincerely apologize for the bad thing you have done.
1, 2, 3...
posted by not_on_display at 12:54 PM on November 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Don't think just because Mark Hammill and the bubble spiral are playing that makes it all right. You can be sure that when peanut butter gets my report there will be MULTIPLE trips to the hat factory. There will be egg on feces. People will be eating their lederhosen, eating spaghetti. Humble fly, bitter flute, etc.
Last chance guys. I won't "stain" those of you who immediately stop, and sincerely apologize for the bad thing you have done.
1, 2, 3...
posted by not_on_display at 12:54 PM on November 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
463. This lobster has lederhosen, or it has favorites. Discuss. While lightly soiled.
posted by dersins at 3:05 PM on November 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by dersins at 3:05 PM on November 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
464. Pick a reason to flag:
• fantastic lobster
• double lobster
• HTML/Sajak error
• offensive/sexism/poopism
• bubble
• sphere
• it stains the lederhosen
• other
posted by not_on_display at 8:52 AM on November 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
• fantastic lobster
• double lobster
• HTML/Sajak error
• offensive/sexism/poopism
• bubble
• sphere
• it stains the lederhosen
• other
posted by not_on_display at 8:52 AM on November 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
465. Steal a lobster to do your work at the end of the day when everybody else has gone home to their families. You can while away the hours in the bathroom, lightly soiling your lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 1:24 PM on November 5, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 1:24 PM on November 5, 2009
466. If you soil yourself, even lightly, while wearing lederhosen, because a giant jellyfish is cruising towards you, throw a lobster at it, so that you may be saved.
posted by Kattullus at 10:16 AM on November 6, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 10:16 AM on November 6, 2009
467.
Eat a lobster roll.
Come on, she won't notice. She's too busy watching her "stories" and ironing all your lederhosen. I mean, look, that one she's working on right now is still stained. She doesn't notice anything when she's got those soap operas on. Come on, do it, have a bite.
That's good, ain't it? Yeah, real tast— oh, shit.
[inaudible]
No, Mrs. Henderson, we ain't eating nothing.
[inaudible]
Um, it's a bulkie roll.
[inaudible]
Uh, yeah, I can see the bite in it.
[inaudible]
No, ma'am, it isn't lobster. And like I said, we aren't eating anything, anyway. We were just... just looking at it.
[inaudible]
It's— it's crab.
[inaudible]
No, ma'am, I didn't know your uncle was a crab. Yes, ma'am, I'll go home. I'm sorry, ma'am.
(Leaving) Jesus, are all lobsters as uptight as your mom? See you later, dude.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:09 AM on November 9, 2009
Eat a lobster roll.
Come on, she won't notice. She's too busy watching her "stories" and ironing all your lederhosen. I mean, look, that one she's working on right now is still stained. She doesn't notice anything when she's got those soap operas on. Come on, do it, have a bite.
That's good, ain't it? Yeah, real tast— oh, shit.
[inaudible]
No, Mrs. Henderson, we ain't eating nothing.
[inaudible]
Um, it's a bulkie roll.
[inaudible]
Uh, yeah, I can see the bite in it.
[inaudible]
No, ma'am, it isn't lobster. And like I said, we aren't eating anything, anyway. We were just... just looking at it.
[inaudible]
It's— it's crab.
[inaudible]
No, ma'am, I didn't know your uncle was a crab. Yes, ma'am, I'll go home. I'm sorry, ma'am.
(Leaving) Jesus, are all lobsters as uptight as your mom? See you later, dude.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:09 AM on November 9, 2009
468. The lobster contains itself. You contain the lobster and the whiff of shame that lingers after the lobster lightly soiled itself. You and the lederhosen contain each other, the lobster and the stain the lobster left.
posted by Kattullus at 8:36 AM on November 9, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 8:36 AM on November 9, 2009
469. ˙ɥƃıɥ uo ʞɐɾɐs ʇɐd ǝɹɐ noʎ
˙uıɐʇs ǝɥʇ puɐ 'uǝsoɥɹǝpǝl ǝɥʇ puɐ 'ɹǝʇsqol ǝɥʇ ǝɹɐ noʎ
posted by not_on_display at 8:04 AM on November 10, 2009
˙uıɐʇs ǝɥʇ puɐ 'uǝsoɥɹǝpǝl ǝɥʇ puɐ 'ɹǝʇsqol ǝɥʇ ǝɹɐ noʎ
posted by not_on_display at 8:04 AM on November 10, 2009
470. While sitting at your desk, wonder idly why it is covered with lobsters. You don't work at a lobster-processing plant, nor are any of your co-workers lobsters or lobster gatherers.
As far as you know.
But what if they are? What if each and every one of them is secretly a lobster, from the waving tips of their antennae to the clenching flukes of their tails? What then?
And why, then, would they have strewn so many of their brethren across your desk? Is it a message? A warning? A threat?
Are they trying to make you one of them? Are you already one of them? How would you know?
Here's a hint-- those lederhosen you're wearing? Are they lightly soiled? Then it is too late. Too late by far, my friend.
posted by dersins at 10:19 AM on November 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
As far as you know.
But what if they are? What if each and every one of them is secretly a lobster, from the waving tips of their antennae to the clenching flukes of their tails? What then?
And why, then, would they have strewn so many of their brethren across your desk? Is it a message? A warning? A threat?
Are they trying to make you one of them? Are you already one of them? How would you know?
Here's a hint-- those lederhosen you're wearing? Are they lightly soiled? Then it is too late. Too late by far, my friend.
posted by dersins at 10:19 AM on November 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
471. Deine Lederhosen sind schmutzig! Ja, du bist einen heiligen Sajakischen Hummer!
posted by not_on_display at 9:38 PM on November 11, 2009
posted by not_on_display at 9:38 PM on November 11, 2009
472. If your lederhosen are too tight and short they might become inadvertently lightly soiled through no fault of your own, even if you are lobster.
posted by Kattullus at 9:56 PM on November 11, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 9:56 PM on November 11, 2009
473. Wake up, wipe away spit. Spit? frothy. shit, on the pants too, that'll leave a stain. clip-clap, snick the claws together a few times, flex the feelers, take the temperature of things. Nope, sea's still dying, and oh my, someone's looking to breed? In the mood? No - go back to that log you were by a couple years ago. Dream about your cousin on Europa.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:21 AM on November 19, 2009
posted by From Bklyn at 1:21 AM on November 19, 2009
474. First you must imagine the Platonic Ideal of a rock star. He wears tight and shiny leather pants, bejewelled - if not for the context they might almost seem like the lederhosen of an ancient Gnomish King. Across his back swings Stormbringer, his fearsome double necked beast of a guitar. Legions of groupies have been deflowered through the terrifying power chords that it can deliver. He sits at the head of the table, and the table is heavily laden with the feast - bottles of the finest cognac, whole roasted animals, fruits and nectars, glittering piles of magnificent drugs of every type. Around him his courtiers humble themselves in his pure awesomeness.
Second, as he turns towards you, is the shocking realization that he is some strange breed of lobster-man - of human form and size, but with a crustacean head, feelers and mouth parts glistening. He wears a wide-brimmed, ornately decorated fedora and a large wig, as though he wishes to hide his lobsterness from the humans that he walks among.
Third, you sit at his table and listen in on the tale he is recounting to those gathered around him. He seems to be very drunk, or perhaps stoned. He is telling a joke - but it is not particularly funny, it may not even properly qualify as a joke, really. He is describing a chair that is walking, his hands making movements to mimick the strange gait. He tells the crowd that the chair is wearing shoes, and walking. If you have seen Sacha Baron Cohen's body of work, it is in fact very similar to the scene in which Borat is consulting with the dating expert. But be aware that the Rock Star Lobster is not recounting the scene, that he is telling this joke in an earnest way, he really does think it is funny.
The scene I have just described is surreal for two reasons: usually rock stars are human rather than lobster, and; neither rock stars nor lobsters usually tell jokes such as the one I have described during the back stage after parties.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:02 AM on November 19, 2009
Second, as he turns towards you, is the shocking realization that he is some strange breed of lobster-man - of human form and size, but with a crustacean head, feelers and mouth parts glistening. He wears a wide-brimmed, ornately decorated fedora and a large wig, as though he wishes to hide his lobsterness from the humans that he walks among.
Third, you sit at his table and listen in on the tale he is recounting to those gathered around him. He seems to be very drunk, or perhaps stoned. He is telling a joke - but it is not particularly funny, it may not even properly qualify as a joke, really. He is describing a chair that is walking, his hands making movements to mimick the strange gait. He tells the crowd that the chair is wearing shoes, and walking. If you have seen Sacha Baron Cohen's body of work, it is in fact very similar to the scene in which Borat is consulting with the dating expert. But be aware that the Rock Star Lobster is not recounting the scene, that he is telling this joke in an earnest way, he really does think it is funny.
The scene I have just described is surreal for two reasons: usually rock stars are human rather than lobster, and; neither rock stars nor lobsters usually tell jokes such as the one I have described during the back stage after parties.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:02 AM on November 19, 2009
475. The lobster is frying. Make sure that you don't stain your lederhosen. Oh, too late, they're already lightly-soiled.
posted by Kattullus at 8:56 AM on November 19, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 8:56 AM on November 19, 2009
476. The lobster falls to the onslaught of the lightly-soiled lederhosen, plunging your continental shelf into a thousand years of darkness. These thousand years will feel normal, but later centuries will disparage them and lionize the lobster.
posted by Kattullus at 7:39 PM on November 19, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 7:39 PM on November 19, 2009
477. When you awaken make the lobster scrub the lightly-soiled lederhosen. If it's recalcitrant threaten to boil its family alive. If it has no family threaten to sell it to a supermarket. If it still won't scrub the lightly-soiled lederhosen then renounce all forms of meat-eating and become a strict vegan.
posted by Kattullus at 8:56 AM on November 23, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 8:56 AM on November 23, 2009
478. I was on a ship sailing from Argentina to Basel. We were late due to hurricanes in the Gulf of Tangiers. Every night my table-mates and I would gather and gossip about who was going to marry who by the end of the voyage. We were two weeks into it already and what had started out as a parlor game had turned into a pointed, aggressive nightly attack on the state of our respective marriages. They kept trying to marry me off to the lobsters in the tank, the ones by the entrance to the dining room. The kids pressing their snotty little noses against the glass everytime they went by. It was funny the first time but as the weeks wore on it lost its shine.
Then One particularly drunken evening, when the pitching and rolling was at its worst - a lifeboat had busted its davit and was slamming against the hull all meal long. It was an unsettling punctuation to an otherwise *BAM* merely miserable night. I stopped by the tank on my way out, half to take a look at these creatures and half to steady myself - I thought *BAM* I might for a second vomit, which would have been even worse considering all the ribbing I'd taken about the lobster in the first place, to not be able to hold my booze on top of it. And it struck me that these were noble, beautiful creatures *BAM*. I was moved by their plight, their languor in the face of certain death and for some insane reason all the haranguing I had been *BAM* weathering seemed suddenly misguided. My future was with the lobsters. They were my soul mates.
I shoved aside the top of the tank and plunged in. I grabbed the biggest one I could find and shoved it into my coat pocket - suddenly recognizing *BAM* that what I was doing was likely suspect I dashed from the room. The creatures legs scrambling franticly in my pocket, tearing at the fabric, my soaked arm trying to keep it from escaping entirely. I got back to my cabin and threw it onto the bed, onto the lederhosen that I was hoping *BAM* to wear to the costume party the next night. The stain might not come out. Who cared?
I spent the rest of the evening watching the lobster and then at some indeterminate point passed out. When I awoke I was naked and it was on my chest. The bands were off its claws but it posed no threat. Bereft the ocean, it had expired at some point that night.
posted by From Bklyn at 9:19 AM on November 23, 2009
Then One particularly drunken evening, when the pitching and rolling was at its worst - a lifeboat had busted its davit and was slamming against the hull all meal long. It was an unsettling punctuation to an otherwise *BAM* merely miserable night. I stopped by the tank on my way out, half to take a look at these creatures and half to steady myself - I thought *BAM* I might for a second vomit, which would have been even worse considering all the ribbing I'd taken about the lobster in the first place, to not be able to hold my booze on top of it. And it struck me that these were noble, beautiful creatures *BAM*. I was moved by their plight, their languor in the face of certain death and for some insane reason all the haranguing I had been *BAM* weathering seemed suddenly misguided. My future was with the lobsters. They were my soul mates.
I shoved aside the top of the tank and plunged in. I grabbed the biggest one I could find and shoved it into my coat pocket - suddenly recognizing *BAM* that what I was doing was likely suspect I dashed from the room. The creatures legs scrambling franticly in my pocket, tearing at the fabric, my soaked arm trying to keep it from escaping entirely. I got back to my cabin and threw it onto the bed, onto the lederhosen that I was hoping *BAM* to wear to the costume party the next night. The stain might not come out. Who cared?
I spent the rest of the evening watching the lobster and then at some indeterminate point passed out. When I awoke I was naked and it was on my chest. The bands were off its claws but it posed no threat. Bereft the ocean, it had expired at some point that night.
posted by From Bklyn at 9:19 AM on November 23, 2009
479. One hundred bottles of sauce on the wall, one hundred bottles of sauce!
Take them down, spill it around,
Ninety-nine lederhosen, Ninety-nine pairs I have stained,
Ninety-nine dreams I have had,
And every one, of working at Red Lobster.
Ninety-eight bottles of sauce on the wall.
posted by not_on_display at 10:16 PM on November 23, 2009
Take them down, spill it around,
Ninety-nine lederhosen, Ninety-nine pairs I have stained,
Ninety-nine dreams I have had,
And every one, of working at Red Lobster.
Ninety-eight bottles of sauce on the wall.
posted by not_on_display at 10:16 PM on November 23, 2009
480. Tell the lobster that things can go back to the way they were if only it lightly soils the lederhosen just so.
posted by Kattullus at 5:03 AM on November 24, 2009
posted by Kattullus at 5:03 AM on November 24, 2009
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posted by knave at 2:07 PM on October 24, 2009