it's been three years......

June 16, 2012 9:14 AM

Happy anniversary to all the spousen.

Yep. Three years. You don't take out the trash, you belch, and you've put on a pound or two. But I still love all you crazy goofballs. No where are my flowers?

posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies to MetaFilter-Related at 9:14 AM (154 comments total)

Tonight, we'll do it with the lights on!
posted by Burhanistan at 9:22 AM on June 16, 2012 [7 favorites]

If this post is confusing to you, here's the background MeTa post where it all started.

Today, we are all Ralph.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:23 AM on June 16, 2012 [13 favorites]

I belly laugh every time the spouse thing comes up.....So funny to me...and everybody continues to have a good laugh....


Happy Anniversary!!!
posted by pearlybob at 9:36 AM on June 16, 2012

In honour of our anniversary, I cleaned the bathtub.

You're welcome.
posted by subbes at 9:43 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Mrs. Clav and I finally got married last week, so bubbly for all and to all a good pair of tennis shoes.
posted by clavdivs at 9:45 AM on June 16, 2012 [44 favorites]

You can't clean the bathtub, subbes - it'll lose all its character.
posted by mintcake! at 9:45 AM on June 16, 2012

*looks at profile*

Awww crap.
posted by barnacles at 9:45 AM on June 16, 2012

Also, congratvlations, clavdivs!
posted by barnacles at 9:46 AM on June 16, 2012

Happy Spousenversary, everybody! Especially you, barnacles. And congratulations, clavdivs!
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:49 AM on June 16, 2012

The best thing about Mass Enspousenation is that somebody is going to remember our anniversary.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:49 AM on June 16, 2012 [5 favorites]

mintcake!: "You can't clean the bathtub, subbes - it'll lose all its character"

YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME STOP EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS
posted by subbes at 9:55 AM on June 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

Mazel tov!!
posted by barnacles at 9:56 AM on June 16, 2012

RENEW RENEW RENEW
posted by The Whelk at 10:05 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Spousen?

Surely you mean spice!

mouse:mice
louse:lice
spouse:spice
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:15 AM on June 16, 2012 [11 favorites]

Fortunately polygamy laws do apply to sentient computers.
posted by Meta Filter at 10:18 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

RAAAAAAAAAAALPH
posted by liketitanic at 10:24 AM on June 16, 2012

You don't take out the trash, you belch, and you've put on a pound or two.

And I never change the cat litter and sometimes I pick my nose. Yet I've somehow managed to pick up a real life spouse since the original enspousening thread. You've just got to get them to lower their standards!
posted by shelleycat at 10:24 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Congrats, clavdivs & mrs. clavdivs! Happy metaversary you crazy kids! Aren't June weddings just the best?
posted by Lynsey at 10:25 AM on June 16, 2012

And congratulations clav! Being married after a long time not married is kind of a hoot. I hope you enjoy it.
posted by shelleycat at 10:26 AM on June 16, 2012

I'd make a lousy husband. Apparently.
posted by Decani at 10:28 AM on June 16, 2012

Happy Anniversaries!
posted by peagood at 10:29 AM on June 16, 2012

barnacles, you have been enspousened! Now buy me a ring!
posted by tzikeh at 10:35 AM on June 16, 2012

Congrats, clav! Best wishes to you and Clavdivia.
posted by languagehat at 10:40 AM on June 16, 2012 [6 favorites]

Happy happy all!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:40 AM on June 16, 2012

If Metafilter were a state in the U.S., we would have been the first to grant equal marriage rights. Wooooo!

Now the big question: have any heterosexual Metafilter marriages been threated by any homosexual Metafilter marriages?

*pictures Big Gay Al MeMailing coming around to hetero-MeFite homes, carrying a baseball bat. "SUPER marriage... shame if anything happened to it...."*
posted by tzikeh at 10:43 AM on June 16, 2012

How am I supposed to give George Clooney his anniversary snog'n'roll if his account is disabled?!

Oh yes, you all get one too... MWAH!
/roll, roll, roll in ze hay
posted by ApathyGirl at 10:47 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Happy Metaversary, all! (And lordy lordy I need to get better about keeping up with my contacts.)
posted by Navelgazer at 10:52 AM on June 16, 2012

have any heterosexual Metafilter marriages been threated by any homosexual Metafilter marriages?

Mine has. Also by the heterosexual marriages. And single people.

I feel pretty threatened is what I'm saying.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:54 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Clav surely does div, indeed.
posted by adamdschneider at 11:00 AM on June 16, 2012

This is the one place in the world where I am a spouse! And I don't have to go to stupid car races, help rebuild transmissions, or put up with tools in the dishwasher, nor do you all have to put up with my love of Frank Sinatra, inability to put the cap back on the toothpaste, and a pernicious habit of leaving damp towels on the bed.

Plainly this is the best of all possible marriages.
posted by winna at 11:23 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is prohibited under the Defense of Metafilter Act. But our policy Is: Don't Askme about your spouse and we won't be douchebags about it.

I love the very idea that there is a Mrs. Clavdivs. Congrats to you both.
posted by spitbull at 11:34 AM on June 16, 2012

I maintain my coveted non-enspoused status by being unappealing both online and in the material world. It's a lot of work, let me tell you!
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:40 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Mubarak clavdivs and Begum clavdivs!
posted by bardophile at 12:10 PM on June 16, 2012

Your work has only just begun, GenjiandProust.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:31 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Huh, I didn't realize Mefi Enspousening Day overlapped with World Juggling Day.

Somehow I find that a bit appropriate.
posted by nat at 12:39 PM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I maintain my coveted non-enspoused status by being unappealing both online and in the material world. It's a lot of work, let me tell you!

You might want to double check that non-enspoused status. You do have a spouse.
posted by francesca too at 12:47 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Suuure, I remembered our anniversary... honey... I was... going to surprise you later, with... dinner out! Burgers okay?
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:59 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Huh, I didn't realize Mefi Enspousening Day overlapped with World Juggling Day.

And Queen Elizabeth's official birthday. So a sort of Royal Nuptialicious Jubiljuggleversary.

(And congrats, Clavidivs!)
posted by taz (staff) at 1:08 PM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Happy anniversary, spousen!
posted by rtha at 1:13 PM on June 16, 2012

I was just checking out who links to me, and was left scratching my head as to why someone would. My comments are often lame, and devoid of any meaningful content. So I've determined that the number of links to people is akin to the "prestige" associated with excessive amounts of Facebook friends. That or I have located the only other true Mr. Belvedere fans that also have access to the internet.
posted by Brocktoon at 1:18 PM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

And Queen Elizabeth's official birthday.

Official birthday in the UK. She has a different official birthday in New Zealand (first Monday in June). I don't know about the other countries she's queen of.
posted by shelleycat at 1:21 PM on June 16, 2012

I've been married a little over three years, and last weekend we had an argument about rinsing toothpaste out of the bathroom sink. That's what you have to look forward to, people.
posted by desjardins at 1:33 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've been married a little over three years, and last weekend we had an argument about rinsing toothpaste out of the bathroom sink. That's what you have to look forward to, people.
posted by desjardins at 9:33 PM on June 16

Oh, trust me. You have a lot more to look forward to than that.
posted by Decani at 2:00 PM on June 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

The really bitter toothpaste-related arguments occur after the fifth year of marriage, in my experience!
posted by winna at 2:02 PM on June 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh, I'm so happy for all of you!

/barely suppressed seething bitterness
posted by batmonkey at 2:06 PM on June 16, 2012

Official birthday in the UK.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II - 60 years in 6 seconds
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:06 PM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's our Leather Anniversary!
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:07 PM on June 16, 2012 [12 favorites]

I got spoused way after this but hey congrats to all those spoused imaginarily or realitily.
posted by Nabubrush at 2:08 PM on June 16, 2012

Presuming, desjardins, that you've already had the argument about squeezing the toothpaste tube from the bottom vs. the middle?


(Help! I married a middle-squeezer!)

(Am open to any bottom-squeezing internet spouses!*)

(*I know how that sounds.)
posted by peagood at 2:09 PM on June 16, 2012 [8 favorites]

Happy Anniversary! What's are you making us for dinner?
posted by zennie at 2:28 PM on June 16, 2012

Taters.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:29 PM on June 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

I love the way people refer to their non-MeFi spouses as Mr./Mrs.username because it allows for some awesome names. Like Mrs.Husk.
posted by charred husk at 2:30 PM on June 16, 2012

Royal Nuptialicious Jubiljuggleversary.

I'm a little worried that this involves Faygo.
posted by Diablevert at 2:31 PM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I love the way people refer to their non-MeFi spouses as Mr./Mrs.username because it allows for some awesome names. Like Mrs.Husk.
posted by charred husk at 5:30 PM on June 16 [+] [!]

Mr. Mrs. Pterodactyl
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 2:35 PM on June 16, 2012 [14 favorites]

I keep forgetting to spouse people.
posted by catlet at 2:40 PM on June 16, 2012

We're both middle-squeezers, so there's that.
posted by desjardins at 2:48 PM on June 16, 2012

That was not a euphemism...
posted by desjardins at 2:49 PM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Gator: Muse to many, spouse to none. Sigh.
posted by Gator at 2:50 PM on June 16, 2012

Check your profile Sweetheart!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 2:52 PM on June 16, 2012

I squeeze from the bottom, but sometimes experiment with squeezing higher up. I always go back to the bottom though, for a happy ending. I think of myself as slightly bi-curious, tubewise, but mostly vanillapaste.

Mr. taz squeezes completely randomly without compunction, and cooks everything on "high." All logic says this shouldn't work, yet here we are more than 20 years later still squeezing and frying happily together. Life is weird, and you may find yourself with a sinkpaster, middlesqueezer or hotcooker and wonder, how did I get here?

My advice is don't even worry about it... unless you can't agree or compromise on toilet paper bottoming or topping. I mean, basically, you are going to be butting up against that issue several times a day – more when you have a stomach bug, or eat a lot of beans. Perhaps TP orientation preference shouldn't be the first question you ask on a first date, but my dear friends, don't leave it 'til last.
posted by taz (staff) at 2:52 PM on June 16, 2012 [14 favorites]

Hello, I'm the new Mrs Gator! Wanna see my ring?
posted by a humble nudibranch at 2:56 PM on June 16, 2012

I've got better advice; don't share toothepaste. And don't think that toothepaste in the sink is just about toothpaste. Clean out ANY errant particles you may deposit. I've got loads of info about being married, next!
posted by Brocktoon at 3:15 PM on June 16, 2012

Happy anniversary, my dear lovers!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:36 PM on June 16, 2012

Your work has only just begun, GenjiandProust.

You might want to double check that non-enspoused status. You do have a spouse.

I should have realized that I was throwing down a gauntlet.... Fear not; I shall endeavor to remain exactly as unappealing as I have always been.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:37 PM on June 16, 2012

And don't argue about seat up/down. The lid should go down. That's why it has one.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:37 PM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

And don't argue about seat up/down. The lid should go down. That's why it has one.

This is doubly true in my apartment, since the toilet system uses a mass industrial system rather than individual tanks, and the system works with considerable force. "Lid down" saves one from employing a splash guard or other protective gear.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:55 PM on June 16, 2012

But does Mr. taz cook everything naked?
posted by Nabubrush at 4:01 PM on June 16, 2012

I will never, ever understand how one man can get so much moisture on a bathroom floor simply from his person without a source of running water. And if he could just ONCE in his life HANG UP the bathmat without being reminded.

You don't want to go in there with just socks on is what I'm saying. And yet, I do. Several times per day. You could say that while one of us is a marvel of hydrodynamics, the other has a very slow learning curve.

(This is truly the defining issue of our marriage. Especially since he showers at least twice a day meaning my bathroom floor is in a constant state of post-monsoon-esque dampness.)

(We resolved the "towels are always wet why dear g-d do you keep using every single towel" issue long ago by my buying pink towels for myself and he's just not ever to use the pink ones under any circumstances ever I don't care if he has to dry himself with sandpaper, you do not use the pink towels.)
posted by sonika at 4:13 PM on June 16, 2012 [7 favorites]

Gah, I'm such a cad. I totally forgot. This pretty much cements into place my spot on an episode on the inevitable upcoming reboot of everybody's favorite 80's tv show, Divorce Court.
posted by item at 4:36 PM on June 16, 2012

Sonika, apparently you are married to Ralph's doppelganger.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:37 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is this a support group for survivors of middle-squeezing spouses? My name is Chris, and I'm a bottom squeezer. Let me tell you, the only solution is utter surrender. Just let go and let spouse. Pick your battles, and this is not one of them. Live and let squeeze.

My solution is to not even look at the big tube - I just put my hand up to my temple, so as to blot it out. The last year, I've been brushing with those little sample tubes that we get from the dental hygienist. Ms. Rancher doesn't like those flavors anyway, and the hygienist is a profligate sample tube pusher, each little baggie we come away with has at least three tubes, and with two kids and us going twice a year, the supply of little sample tubes hasn't even begun to dwindle.

So I've got my little dispensary of sample tubes, each neatly squozen and rolled from the bottom in turn, and she can mangle and deform the big tube at will, as is her heathen and dissolute wont.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:42 PM on June 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

This is why I have separate bathrooms. There are some things man was not meant to share.
posted by The Whelk at 4:51 PM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

So I've got my little dispensary of sample tubes, each neatly squozen and rolled from the bottom in turn, and she can mangle and deform the big tube at will, as is her heathen and dissolute wont.

Yes, this is the only way. I can't even stand to look at the middle-squozen tubes. And yet, in all other ways my husband is a slave to order. Meticulously labeled drawers for his tools and various electrical doohikies and implements of nerdery. Pristine and spotless desk without so much as a stray pen. Nightstand looks like that of a monk whose only possessions are an iPhone and a water bottle.

And yet. Completely oblivious to the laws of nature and all that is holy and you SQUEEZE FROM THE BOTTOM.

The only way is separate tubes. This is the solution to so many of marriage's battles. Separate blankets that I may not wake up freezing in the middle of the night due to rampant and unrepentant blanket theft. Separate towels that I do not have to dry myself with a sodden mess that feels like it was the only towel used to dry the entire Pacific Ocean.

I mean, really, if only there was a way to have a separate bathroom floor that I could put down when I needed to use the bathroom and he could just leave his monsoon soaked detritus about without my socks becoming damp simply because I had the audacity to try and wash my hands, we would be completely at peace.

That is, until he starts using kitchen shears to cut ham again.
posted by sonika at 4:52 PM on June 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

And yet.

*weeps silently*
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:54 PM on June 16, 2012

I have been espoused! I'll have to check Ask, but believe subbes and I have a year to send our Thank You cards for the gifts we probably won't receive?

PS - I've registered us for ten tubes of Crest Vanilla Mint toothpaste, which I'll be squeezing from the bottom, wiping from the sink, and which subbes will be cleaning from the bathtub, should any tooth-brushing happen in there. And an automatic toothpaste dispenser.
posted by peagood at 4:55 PM on June 16, 2012

And an automatic toothpaste dispenser.

Looking at that contrivance, I feel compelled to ask - Does it get that last bit of paste that you can only wring from the tube by folding it sideways and pressing in with your thumb? I'd wager not.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:00 PM on June 16, 2012

I've got thirteen Meta spouses, and I still can't get laid. On the upside, I don't have to share my cinnamon-flavoured toothpaste with anyone.
posted by orange swan at 5:06 PM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Fortunately, I happened to be drinking champagne.... (You know those 4-packs of single serve bottles? Genius.)
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 5:14 PM on June 16, 2012

Are my spousen spousen to each other? And what is the general view about cutting off the end of the toothpaste tube when one approaches the time at which squeezing is now longer efficacious?
posted by paduasoy at 5:17 PM on June 16, 2012

Oh, I'm so happy for all of you!

/barely suppressed seething bitterness

Next year we can join in the festivities, m'love. Next year. Now who wants to dance the Chicken Dance?
posted by drlith at 5:22 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

People, Squeeze It to get all the last drops of your goo out. Oh yeah.

Also, separate toiletries all the way, but sharing is a given.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:26 PM on June 16, 2012

wait, what

there exist people that don't squeeze from the bottom of the tube..?

wha

I mean - but..!

do they just buy 3x as many tubes of toothpaste as a normal human or what? How does that work?

I get that my boyfriend has gunk on his toothbrush, or does not load the dishwasher in the most efficient manner possible, I've learned to just not be in the room when he's doing the dishes. And if he doesn't really use the tie-hanging gadget we got for him, that's ok, he doesn't care that I put his ties on there when I find them draped in precarious places.

I can't really imagine living with someone who just squeezes toothpaste randomly and hopes for the best, though.
posted by kavasa at 5:36 PM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Toothpaste squeezing methods are something I think a lot about.

I squeeze from the bottom. And the newish packaging from Tom's makes this so much easier.

My boyfriend just. squeezes. Right below the top. When we first started living together 5 years ago, I would say things. "GAH, can you please not leave giant blobs of toothpaste in the sink"? "Squeeze from the bottom, it's so much more efficient"!

One of these two things happened. My morning ritual now consists of USE TOILET. BRUSH HAIR. SQUEEZE TOOTHPASTE INTO CORRECT POSITION. BRUSH TEETH.

And there are (usually) no toothpaste blobs in the sink.
posted by waitangi at 6:06 PM on June 16, 2012

It's our Leather Anniversary!

Every year is my leather anniversary.

And say "sir" when you address me, boy.

And I see my boots are smudged. You'd best get to work.
posted by hippybear at 6:07 PM on June 16, 2012 [5 favorites]

After I turn the shower off, I brush the water off my body (arms, torso, legs) with my hands. If you do that before you dry off, the towel doesn't get soaked.
posted by Jestocost at 6:09 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Happy anniversary, spousen all! *MWAH*

And yes, personal tubes of toothpaste, assigned towel colors and the seat and lid always down. But... is it be possible to close doors, drawers and closets? Could underwear and socks land in the hamper? Can the gadgetwidget bowl be emptied more than once a quarter - or at least, not have stacks of papers teetering on top, waiting to collapse daily?

I want to believe.
posted by likeso at 6:12 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I put the lid down, yet leave the seat up.
posted by Ghidorah at 6:13 PM on June 16, 2012

My boyfriend just. squeezes. Right below the top. When we first started living together 5 years ago, I would say things. "GAH, can you please not leave giant blobs of toothpaste in the sink"? "Squeeze from the bottom, it's so much more efficient"!

My wife does this. And I've complained. Result? Now she "just squeezes" and when it doesn't work says "Honey! The toothpaste needs fixing!" and then waits until I squeeze it all to the top for her.
posted by DU at 6:19 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I always wondered how people found Mefi spouses. I thought there was some magic GreaseMonkey script for it that everyone was hiding from me. Or just that no one liked me...just like real life.

*sobs quietly in the corner*
posted by guster4lovers at 6:21 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you have time to sob, you have time to do the some laundry.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:28 PM on June 16, 2012 [5 favorites]

I always wondered how people found Mefi spouses. I thought there was some magic GreaseMonkey script for it that everyone was hiding from me. Or just that no one liked me...just like real life.

*sobs quietly in the corner*

I have just now enspousenated you. Because I also know that Guster is for lovers.
posted by hippybear at 6:32 PM on June 16, 2012

I like giant blobs of toothpaste. It is the best part of brushing my teeth to have a cheeseburger sized mound of paste on the brush that flops over, leaving a little hillock of hardened fluorescent blue in the sink. I am too old to have such small pleasures taken from me.
posted by winna at 6:33 PM on June 16, 2012

*emerges from looking-glass world where lid is down but seat is up*

Ghidorah! Don't you ever do that again!

(They have flying pigs. Nuff said.)
posted by likeso at 6:43 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

We use this type of toothpaste, this avoiding all toothpaste squeezing arguments.
posted by chiababe at 6:45 PM on June 16, 2012

Now you listen to me! I don't want any plastics and I don't want any ground floors, and I don't want to get spousenated — ever — to anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do!

*Sob* Oh, MeFi!
posted by steef at 7:08 PM on June 16, 2012

We resolved the "towels are always wet why dear g-d do you keep using every single towel" issue long ago by my buying pink towels for myself and he's just not ever to use the pink ones under any circumstances ever I don't care if he has to dry himself with sandpaper, you do not use the pink towels.

I love this. Its the post scarcity solution to all marital troubles.
posted by Chekhovian at 7:13 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

sonika, I don't mean to gross you out, but he HAS a source of running, uh, water.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:51 PM on June 16, 2012

I missed out on the Great Espousenation, but as one who is about to embark on an IRL espousenation with a quiet Mefite lurker in a few weeks, I send a hearty congratulations to all the Mefite spouses out there!
posted by Diagonalize at 7:51 PM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

sonika,I don't mean to gross you out, but he HAS a source of running, uh, water.

True, but that kind is visible to the naked eye and thus more easily avoided by the naked sock.
posted by sonika at 8:07 PM on June 16, 2012

Sonika, I read your rant above out loud to my husband, and when i got to the part about using kitchen shears to cut ham, he said "wow, that's actually a really good idea."

curse you.
posted by KathrynT at 8:55 PM on June 16, 2012

Also, nobody's spoused me, but apparently I'm furiousxgeorge's mother.
posted by KathrynT at 8:57 PM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I...I...I feel this new, unexplainable, unnameable, uncontainable joy all of a sudden! It's like the world is suddenly brighter and everything tastes of sun-warmed mangoes!

New spouses Brandon Blatcher and drlith, get ready for the honeymoon you've always dreamed of*!


* it shall continue to be in your dreams, but I'll make sure to send particularly magical drinks via especially intelligent monkeys, which should be a new wrinkle.
posted by batmonkey at 8:59 PM on June 16, 2012

I want to spousify but I don't know if I deserve to wear professional white.
posted by fleacircus at 9:32 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Happy anniversary, all y'all!
posted by susanbeeswax at 9:47 PM on June 16, 2012

Wow, I have a spouse! And I wasn't even around three years ago!
posted by Sara C. at 10:08 PM on June 16, 2012

Also, flabdablet, I hope you squeeze the toothpaste from the top, because I love it when the toothpaste gets all pushed down to the bottom and I have to push it back down. I actually deliberately squeeze from top every once in a while so that I can get to do that.

I hope you like OCD chicks.
posted by Sara C. at 10:13 PM on June 16, 2012

Always a bridesmaid, never a spouse. Sigh.
posted by bayliss at 10:47 PM on June 16, 2012

Always a bridesmaid, never a spouse. Sigh.
posted by bayliss

Not only are you someone's spouse, you are a BIGAMIST.

a lovely one, I'm sure
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:11 PM on June 16, 2012

Happy Spouseversary* you weirdos! I've squeezed the middles and left the seat up for the occasion, and I'll be back to enspoucenate the noobs later!

*oddly, spellcheck has no problems with this word.
posted by lekvar at 11:12 PM on June 16, 2012

Happy Spouses Day everybody! I'd like to thank my spouses for putting up with the TP being rolled in the wrong direction, but at least you squeeze the toothpaste properly unlike some other people I could mention.
posted by arcticseal at 12:43 AM on June 17, 2012

Oh hai everyone this is a sort of passive-aggressive comment about having no spouses....(and being too shy/reserved to engage in any unsolicited enspousation on my own account...)
posted by Infinite Jest at 2:44 AM on June 17, 2012

I have 14 spouses. 14. I feel like I should be reclining on a pile of silk pillows, being fed dates while someone fans me with peacock feathers.

I wish to be entertained. DANCERS!

*clap! clap!*
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:53 AM on June 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

Those aren't dates you're being fed.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:32 AM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Infinite Jest, I spoused you, but if it turns out you are anti-Spurs, I'm seeking annulment.
posted by catlet at 7:39 AM on June 17, 2012

I love the way people refer to their non-MeFi spouses as Mr./Mrs.username because it allows for some awesome names. Like Mrs.Husk.
posted by charred husk at 5:30 PM on June 16 [+] [!]


Ersatzjef
posted by ersatzkat at 7:52 AM on June 17, 2012

Not only are you someone's spouse, you are a BIGAMIST.

As I said to a married friend who laughed at one of my jokes, and said "Oh, I love you, will you marry me?"
"Marriage?" I replied, "That's big of you! No, wait, it's big of me!"
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:56 AM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I too will enspouse you, Infinite Jest, but if you're a Chelsea fan, we'll probably need couples counseling
posted by pointystick at 8:14 AM on June 17, 2012

GenjiandProust, I might have to spouse you just for your terrible puns.

Now accepting spouses, people. But be warned: TP hangs over the top, toothpaste is squeezed from the bottom, and any chaos muppet that borrows my bolt cutters better put them back where they found them. OTOH, I will make you your choice of bagels and/or a darn fine rye bread.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:14 AM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Will spouse for bagels and rye bread.
posted by arcticseal at 8:26 AM on June 17, 2012

GenjiandProust, I might have to spouse you just for your terrible puns.

Just doin' my job, ma'am.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:49 AM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I want to be spousened! Do I have to wait for next June 16?
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:13 AM on June 17, 2012

No need to wait -- the deed is done. Hopefully, better spouses will come along. I'm a terrible spouse.
posted by vers at 9:23 AM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm not much of an improvement on vers, but as previously established, I'm house trained and partial to baked goods.
posted by arcticseal at 9:48 AM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Alright, a nice rousing round of equal-opportunity enspouzelization just completed. All I request it quality entertainment through the recent activity sidebar, so bring on the copious nutty, hilarious and/or insightful and learned commentary!


and could you take this dish in the kitchen since you're up?
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:58 AM on June 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

articseal is a definite spousal upgrade -- CaludiaCenter, you've won the spousal lottery!

Devils Rancher, dear newest spouse, can I get you anything from the kitchen while I'm there? This is a one time honeymoon offer, note ;)
posted by vers at 10:05 AM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Congratulations to the Clavdians.
posted by y2karl at 12:45 PM on June 17, 2012

Thanks all. I'm Happy.
posted by clavdivs at 12:47 PM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

You're only saying that so I refill your kibble bowl, consider yourself spoused.
posted by arcticseal at 12:49 PM on June 17, 2012

Oh look, I have a new spouse. Now I'm going to toss my orange garter at you all and you can all scramble to see who'll be the next to be enspoused.
posted by orange swan at 1:40 PM on June 17, 2012

VENI VIDI CLAVDII
posted by y2karl at 3:33 PM on June 17, 2012

Now I'm going to toss my orange garter at you all and you can all scramble to see who'll be the next to be enspoused.

THUNDERSPOUSEDOME!

Two spouses enter, three spouses leave.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:05 PM on June 17, 2012 [4 favorites]

i got to the part about using kitchen shears to cut ham, he said "wow, that's actually a really good idea."

Don't blame me. I'm not the one who does it and then when I want to go and cut something else there's all ham juice all over the damn scissors.

Why one even NEEDS to cut ham, let alone with scissors, is beyond me.
posted by sonika at 5:00 PM on June 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

Actually, kitchen shears are really the best thing in the world for cutting pizza. You get all the way through, fully separate the cheese. They're awesome.
posted by Chekhovian at 5:13 PM on June 17, 2012

...and then when I want to go and cut something else there's all ham juice all over the damn scissors.

Oh yes, scissors sister, I am with you there. I keep explaining (per barrett caulk's brilliant formulation) to my husband that he is not finished until his work site/cooking spot/truck has been returned to a state of maximum utility. And still: TRAIL OF CHAOS. Honey, just because you're "done with" your socks and underwear does not mean it's appropriate to leave them behind on the bathroom floor.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:29 PM on June 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

I had forgotten about sink pants. (Which... how does one forget sink pants, save of course for willful repression.)

Every morning, my husband takes a shower and places his pajama pants next to the sink. He insists this is the only reasonable place to put them, since if they do much as *touch* dirty clothes, he can't wear them again. Likewise, they can't go in the drawer or the clean clothes are contaminated. Same goes for his regular pants after his evening shower.

Since he usually wears his pants two days in a row, there are almost always sink pants cluttering up the place. And woe unto me should I dare move the sink pants.

My bathroom is a fraught and perilous place is the takeaway here.
posted by sonika at 8:35 PM on June 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm late for the anniversary party, but not too late to do some random spousening. You get the less picky ones this way.
posted by greenish at 5:28 AM on June 18, 2012

Infinite Jest, I spoused you, but if it turns out you are anti-Spurs, I'm seeking annulment.


If you mean San Antonio, I have no opinion one way or the other. If you mean Tottenham, they are pretty much my second team and I have a Spurs cap, and I've been to the Lane a few times (including the Milan CL game).

I too will enspouse you, Infinite Jest, but if you're a Chelsea fan, we'll probably need couples counseling

Man Utd....(that may be worse).

Thank you and welcome to all of my eight (I think) spouses. Huzzah!
posted by Infinite Jest at 11:33 AM on June 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Will Spouse For Food.

(Well, dinner, really. Dessert's on me. ...if dinner's really good, dessert's on me.)
posted by maryr at 12:40 PM on June 18, 2012

Also, I am a toothpaste bottom-squeezer and I clean out the globs in the sink, but I leave my pajama pants on the floor most says.

sonika, where does this put me in your terrifying world of bathroom justice?
posted by maryr at 12:42 PM on June 18, 2012

Pajama pants on the floor are pretty benign. They're neither going to get in the way of my hand-washing by being in the sink, nor are they wet and will not dampen my socks should I step on them.

Bathroom Justice Verdict: You can stay.
posted by sonika at 1:07 PM on June 18, 2012

I leave globs of toothpaste on the toilet seat and soak socks in water ahead of time, but leave the floor perfectly dry. Y/N?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:09 PM on June 18, 2012

Floor dry - ok. Waterlogged socks - questionable, but totally not my problem. Toothpaste butt - you're fired.
posted by sonika at 1:34 PM on June 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

MetaSpouse: there's all ham juice all over the damn scissors.

MetaSpouse: And woe unto me should I dare move the sink pants.
posted by lekvar at 3:08 PM on June 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

I have been known to say more than once in the last year that I cannot accept responsibility for the welfare of even one more sentient thing. I would be a graveyard for a potted plant or goldfish. Two kids. How (how how?) did my maternal grandmother raise nine?

...maybe that's why I find this whole idea so charming. Really? Spousen that do not require laundry and Google calendaring? Virtual, ignorable in-laws? Just add adoration?

Sign me up, and I shall make us some intangible pot roast and strawberry rhubarb pie to celebrate, and NEVER wear socks to bed on our anniversary.
posted by clever sheep at 6:07 PM on June 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

I hadn't thought about this thread in a few days, until I stepped out of the shower this morning and noticed this tableau -- yes, friends, I am a sinkpants-putter.

You'll note near the pants, however the middle-squozen tube as well. What we have here is a MAD-type detente, I believe.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:24 AM on June 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Devils Rancher, I'd espouse you just for that really cool-looking bathroom floor. But while I'm obviously able to overlook middle-squozen tubes, which seem to go hand-in-hand with sinkpants, it's just a short leap from sinkpants to leaving going to sleep in socks, and then peeling them off with your toes in the middle of the night, then leaving them all balled up under the sheets at the foot of the bed for me to find when I make the bed every morning. I already have one of those. This is why people need internet spouses: Bedsockballs.
posted by peagood at 11:14 AM on June 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

peagood, the alternative is cold feet on your calves. Choose your poison.

Disclaimer: I am a wearer of woolly handknit bed-socks. Making the bed is sometimes like the Secret Quonsar of missing single socks.
posted by catlet at 11:28 AM on June 20, 2012

Bedsockballs.

This is not 'Nam, there are rules here.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:35 AM on June 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I HAVE SPOUSES ON MEFI MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE
posted by guster4lovers at 10:42 PM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wait until you spend Christmas with my family.
posted by arcticseal at 7:44 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh g-d. Bedsockballs. My secret shame. *sigh* If Devils Rancher can own up to sink pants.... well... My name is sonika and I am a bedsockballer.
posted by sonika at 12:19 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is starting to sound like hazing rituals.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:50 PM on June 24, 2012

That's a paddlin'.
posted by maryr at 2:33 PM on June 24, 2012

Ah, I see you've already met my family.
posted by arcticseal at 4:56 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]