The Cheese Heist Movie August 5, 2016 10:42 AM   Subscribe

Who's going to help me write the cheese heist movie?

DESERT HIGHWAY EXTERIOR EARLY MORNING

A FORD PINTO with Canadian plates is stalled on the side of the road.

A MOTORCYCLE COP pulls over in front of the car. He peers in the fogged over windows, then opens the hatchback. He staggers backward as if his senses have been assaulted...
posted by Mo Nickels to MetaFilter-Related at 10:42 AM (266 comments total) 34 users marked this as a favorite

Do you, in fact, have any cheese at all?
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:42 AM on August 5, 2016 [7 favorites]


I thought metatalk had a queue.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:43 AM on August 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yeah, can we talk about that thread please? I have so many questions.
posted by phunniemee at 10:44 AM on August 5, 2016 [6 favorites]


That question is ridiculous and I'm quite fond of it. I contain multitudes. Like, I'm not sure that The World Famous's riff on scarabic's classic is exaaactly good AskMe form, but also it turns out I don't care very much in this case because I'm just plain happy about it.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:44 AM on August 5, 2016 [54 favorites]


Like. Why does living alone preclude cheese parties.
posted by phunniemee at 10:45 AM on August 5, 2016 [24 favorites]


Nick Park's people are on line five.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:46 AM on August 5, 2016 [6 favorites]


*mostly alone*
posted by mannequito at 10:47 AM on August 5, 2016 [5 favorites]


And why, if it's so important that the neighbors not learn about the cheese, was the marked best answer one that suggested leaving the cheese at a neighbor's door.
posted by phunniemee at 10:48 AM on August 5, 2016 [16 favorites]


As the cop staggers back, the driver smacks the passenger, who is furiously scrolling on his smartphone.

DRIVER: Well?!? What are they saying?

WORDSHORE: Nothing useful... riff on that damn scarabic answer... WAIT! There it is! Leave it on a neighbor's doorstep, ring the bell, and run away!

DRIVER: Do you SEE any neighbors around here?!?
posted by Etrigan at 10:49 AM on August 5, 2016 [9 favorites]


Cheese it! Here come the cops!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:57 AM on August 5, 2016 [10 favorites]


Best answer is a ring-and-run op, so presumably the neighbors still wouldn't know who had this mystery cheese in the first place. But at this rate, I feel like 'friend' is never going to cross over from cranky local-area weirdo to loveable neighborhood eccentric.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:00 AM on August 5, 2016 [6 favorites]


Though I may just be projecting, and looking for tips.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:01 AM on August 5, 2016 [5 favorites]


I've been thinking about this a lot and the best working theory I have now is some sort of Brewster's Millions situation where if they use 18 lbs of cheese in 72 hrs, they are rewarded with a lifetime supply.
posted by griphus at 11:07 AM on August 5, 2016 [24 favorites]


The cheese is buried under a big MF.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:15 AM on August 5, 2016 [7 favorites]


The obvious solution is to carve a mold of Donald Trump's head from Styrofoam, melt cheese, pour cheese into mold, allow cheese to cool and set, carefully remove Styrofoam, bask in the glory that is an entirely life-like orange Trump Cheese Head. MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:18 AM on August 5, 2016 [16 favorites]


Metafilter: I contain multitudes.
posted by Melismata at 11:31 AM on August 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


Maybe try eating more fiber. All that cheese is probably backing you up.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:32 AM on August 5, 2016 [10 favorites]


Canadian plates

Quebec plates, hopefully, as this could mean RAW MILK cheese for that extra illegal foodstuff goodness.
posted by bonehead at 11:44 AM on August 5, 2016 [5 favorites]


I really did try to give a good answer that took all the parameters of the question into account. Why the importance of keeping the cheese secret from the neighbors unless it is illicit cheese? Mmmm. Illicit cheese.
posted by The World Famous at 12:01 PM on August 5, 2016 [4 favorites]


This has to end in the snow, around a campfire, deep in the woods. Our anti-hero is making rarebit, scared to death of selling the illicit cheese. Do they sob uncontrollably, from frustration, from anger, from the horror of the choices they've made to get here? Is there a bloody trail of foot prints leading away from the fire? Can they ever forget the look on their partner's face as they were crushed by that loose wheel? What will tomorrow bring, beyond certain gastric distress?
posted by bonehead at 12:11 PM on August 5, 2016 [13 favorites]


In this world I have no trouble believing that there are actual bizarre reasons for this predicament that are nonetheless too boring to bother describing.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 12:12 PM on August 5, 2016 [6 favorites]


Quebec plates, hopefully, as this could mean RAW MILK cheese for that extra illegal foodstuff goodness.

Je me souviens. Hey, it's no "Live free or die," but it's what we got.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:15 PM on August 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


From the AskMe thread...

Post an ad to Kijiji or Craigslist for the amount of unwanted cheese for pickup. It will be weird but I am 100% positive someone will bite.

Whose down for coding a cheese hookup app (matching surplus with appetite)?

Because the name writes itself:

Gratr.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:17 PM on August 5, 2016 [38 favorites]


Swipe left for grated. Swipe right for sliced. Just don't swipe the cheese. Also, don't cut the cheese. Because gross.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:19 PM on August 5, 2016 [10 favorites]


And why, if it's so important that the neighbors not learn about the cheese, was the marked best answer one that suggested leaving the cheese at a neighbor's door.

It appears that additional answers have been marked "best answer" in the interim. Hmmm.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:30 PM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


Looking at the profile, Wordshore appears to be just about 50 miles away from where this cheese heist occurred five years ago. I think we could be seeing a pattern of behavior – both in Michigan, both involving large quantities of hard cheese... I'm don't have concrete proof that these two events are related, but they are the only two push pins on my map, which are easily connected with this red string.
posted by Kabanos at 12:32 PM on August 5, 2016 [42 favorites]


I could have sworn Wordshore was in the UK.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:35 PM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]




The whole question makes a lot more sense if you assume that every time the OP says "Red Leicester cheese" they actually mean "endangered puma kittens."

Though it makes all the answers a little harder to parse (macaroni and puma?)
posted by Mchelly at 12:45 PM on August 5, 2016 [7 favorites]


By the way, I used the opening lines of the Repo Man script as inspiration.
posted by Mo Nickels at 1:36 PM on August 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


THIS SUMMER

THE CHEESE

*bwaaaaam*

STANDS

*bwaaaaaaammmmmmmp--(one second of silence)

ALONE *BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAM*
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 1:39 PM on August 5, 2016 [48 favorites]


Detective: Don't worry, we'll crack this queso!

*sunglasses*

*guitar*
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:46 PM on August 5, 2016 [26 favorites]


If there isn't a scene in the movie of the thief in a large earth mover crashing through some gates and into a warehouse, where he then scoops up cheese in the giant scoop, only to spin around and drive off, disappearing into the night*, then I will be forced to demand my money back ... in the form of delicious cheese.

*until the next scene where he arrives at the hidden lair, which is probably a lighthouse or an elaborate treehouse or a tiny home parked on a windy bluff
posted by julen at 1:52 PM on August 5, 2016 [3 favorites]


A hundred favorites to Metroid Baby for the 53-year old reference to "It's A Mad Mad Mad World": "The cheese is buried under a big MF."
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:09 PM on August 5, 2016 [3 favorites]


[frantically stuffs cheese into wood chipper out back]
posted by The World Famous at 2:12 PM on August 5, 2016 [20 favorites]


IDC, I just want to see Laura Dern or Nic Cage with a duffle full of hot cheese in the backseat during a car chase.
posted by bonehead at 2:55 PM on August 5, 2016 [3 favorites]


Ladies and gentlemen, we have established beyond all reasonable doubt that this person is cheezin'. But what we must ask ourselves is this: Are they squeezin'?
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:08 PM on August 5, 2016 [3 favorites]


Within 72 hours they will for sure be wheezin'.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:09 PM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


[dials Pinconning cheese syndicate]

"Their close, relocate all operations to Fontana"
posted by clavdivs at 3:47 PM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


"They're close, relocate all operations to Fontana Fontina"

Fixed that for you.
posted by The World Famous at 4:01 PM on August 5, 2016 [4 favorites]


Your movie could have a watermelon subplot.



But, honestly, the folks with all that watermelon should just adopt me.
posted by Michele in California at 4:18 PM on August 5, 2016 [4 favorites]


If you people can deliver a Cheese Heist movie featuring Jason Statham - preferably both kicking ass and being funny, which shouldn't be too much of a stretch seeing as it's a cheese heist - I am absolutely certain you would have a massive hit on your hands.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:42 PM on August 5, 2016 [12 favorites]


Who're you calling "you people"? It's far too late, Lyn Never, you're in up to your neck like the rest of us.

Seriously, Statham organizing this last pre-retirement heist, whilst training up a new crew, and growing increasing disgruntled and put out as things spiral out of control, is a license to print money.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:39 PM on August 5, 2016 [10 favorites]


Well, shit. There goes my weekend.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:52 PM on August 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


Pah, another fictional cheese state erased.
posted by clavdivs at 6:52 PM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


Kafka is right. Us people should investigate the largest procurors of...this red cheese. I suggest we start in Brixton.
posted by clavdivs at 6:55 PM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


TBF I am disappointed it wasn't Venezuelan Beaver Cheese.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 7:09 PM on August 5, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yeah, that question gives me definite Fiasco vibes...
posted by The otter lady at 10:11 PM on August 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


Who Moved My Cheese? the Motion Picture
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:39 PM on August 5, 2016 [10 favorites]


By the way, I used the opening lines of the Repo Man script as inspiration.

I totally was picturing repo man when I read it!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:21 AM on August 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


Paging MeFite The Wrong Kind of Cheese.
posted by workerant at 3:46 AM on August 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


This is all a little strange, as are the theories by people on The Twitter (example comments). Then again, it's a strange summer at the macro level (Brexit; Trump) and the micro level (the cheese thing; yesterday chatting with a member of Showaddywaddy without realizing). Have shoved a stop-gap reply on the AskMe, with the pledge of a full follow-up and explanation (and maybe a photograph if circumstances allow) later in the month.
posted by Wordshore at 4:47 AM on August 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


As long as at least in one point of the movie they walk into a seedy biker bar, they saddle up to the bar and the bartender says, "What'll you have?"

and the protagonist answers, "Morbier", I'll be happy.

Also if there is an explosion at some point in the movie, there should be da brie everywhere.

Thank you thank you....

I'll show myself out now.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:55 AM on August 6, 2016 [7 favorites]


I'm thinking more of a spaghetti western. The Gouda, the Bad, and the Ugly?
posted by taz (staff) at 6:07 AM on August 6, 2016 [18 favorites]


Oh I so approve of this MeTa! Since that question popped up, I've been thinking about nothing else than the challenge of nocturnally digging a detection-safe cheese grave. You know... what to do with the excess dirt, and how to slooooowly re-apply it to the area once it starts sinking.*

The culinary answer I posted early-ish in the thread isn't good, I realized, because cooking fumes from making all those pies and quiches might make the neigbors suspicious. I still believe in summoning the plumber and secretly depositing the cheese in his truck while he's busy...

*I bought the house where I'm living in 2000. The former owner's big black and deceased dog's grave in the lawn is showing more every year...so I do think I know what they'll find in Wordshore's friend's garden in 16 years. A multiple-cheese-shaped dimple.
posted by Namlit at 7:21 AM on August 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


yesterday chatting with a member of Showaddywaddy

Your update, Wordshore, far from making things clearer has only made things more complex. Is this a past member, or a member of the current group? Is this mystery Teddy Boy related? Could the group organise a Teddy Bear's cheese party in some local woods, under the moon of love?

Has this cheese come from a police cheese auction, and the original owners - the "not the most pleasant, or the most sensible, of people" want the cheese back because it actually conceals 18lbs of of criminal Macguffin irrelevant to the plot except to move it forward?

Are the criminals Showaddywaddy? Did they sign it back in the '70s and now it's valuable memorabilia? Did they use it instead of bunched-up socks to accentuate their trousers in order to appeal to their fans better?

Goddamit.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 8:40 AM on August 6, 2016 [5 favorites]


Bless this post and all its cheesy goodness
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:46 AM on August 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


I just don't get it. Your friend wants to get rid of Red Leicester. Micro- or macro-level, what has Brie-xit to do with things?
posted by Namlit at 8:49 AM on August 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


The problem with selling it is, then what do you do with all that cheddar?
posted by Room 641-A at 9:54 AM on August 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


You know what Samuel Pepys did with his parmesan when it was threatened by the great fire of London in 1666, don't you?
posted by b33j at 10:44 AM on August 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


Maybe try eating more fiber. All that cheese is probably backing you up.

Aha. Have a "Big Cheese Block Day"...
posted by Namlit at 10:46 AM on August 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


I actually don't know what Samuel Pepys did with his parmesan when London burned, apart from getting away un-singed, and reporting about it, so you'd better dish it up for us.
posted by Namlit at 10:48 AM on August 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


A dude proficient with words
asked on a forum of nerds:
"Got a friend who's got chees's,
tho' he wants none of these,
What to do, oh dear mefi experts?"
posted by Namlit at 11:00 AM on August 6, 2016 [5 favorites]


http://www.historyhouse.co.uk/articles/parmesan_cheese.html
Pepys buried his cheese (and wine)
posted by 15L06 at 11:03 AM on August 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


I actually don't know what Samuel Pepys did with his parmesan when London burned
"...he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this cheese up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the cheese. I hid this uncomfortable piece of dairy up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the cheese to you."
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:20 AM on August 6, 2016 [22 favorites]


...are you sure you're good enough at reading old hand styles?
posted by Namlit at 11:22 AM on August 6, 2016 [4 favorites]


I can't help but note the similarity to a story from Jerome K. Jerome's Three Men in a Boat. The book was published 127 years ago this month.
posted by winna at 12:53 PM on August 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm dying of curiosity because now they've said in thread that they've GIVEN THE MODS THE FULL EXPLANATION to prove it's a legit question. So now you guys know, but can't tell us. Augggggggh!
posted by MsMolly at 2:46 PM on August 6, 2016 [12 favorites]


CHEESE IS A KIND OF MEAT
A TASTY YELLOW BEEF
posted by zamboni at 3:17 PM on August 6, 2016 [3 favorites]


Someone at the very least needs to write a song about this.

I posted a link to the question on Facebook and one of my friends said

I substituted "human body" for cheese in all of these answers and found that most of them still worked.

Suffice it to say I will not be eating her cooking ever again.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:00 PM on August 6, 2016 [18 favorites]


Is this where I admit that the only reason I answered that question was to remind Wordshore about non-edible uses of cheese?

My answer is no less accurate though - beer bread made with Red Leicester is delicious. I just can't remember what beer I used that time. So I need to change my answer to "send me the cheese so I can determine which beer works best. Also send beer. For science!"
posted by pianissimo at 5:24 PM on August 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


We're going to need this book.
posted by b33j at 5:59 PM on August 6, 2016 [2 favorites]


Which contains the following gems:
They Keep Moving The Cheese
Get Ready For The Cheese To Move
Smell The Cheese Often So You Know When It Is Getting Old
The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Can Enjoy New Cheese
Move With The Cheese
Savor The Adventure And Enjoy The Taste Of New Cheese!

Note: Everyone needs some cheese.
posted by b33j at 6:05 PM on August 6, 2016 [1 favorite]


This is the MeTa we both need and deserve.
posted by corb at 9:32 PM on August 6, 2016 [8 favorites]


Oh please. Somebody ring The Cheese Alarm.



(Vocals start at 1:39)
posted by SobaFett at 9:52 PM on August 6, 2016 [2 favorites]




I could have sworn Wordshore was in the UK.

Yes. I'm usually in the USA or Scandinavia during summer, but for this year I've been in the UK. An interestingly strange part of the UK. How strange? To the confusion of many in the overwhelmingly elderly congregation, the church organist went somewhat rogue this evening...
posted by Wordshore at 11:18 AM on August 7, 2016 [15 favorites]


I love that.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:18 PM on August 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Cheesy rhythms, that.
posted by Namlit at 12:38 PM on August 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


I was brought up by parents who are both Christians; my Dad was a priest. At that time I went to church - I don't think it was ever a requirement, but it was something the family did as a family.

Both my friend and I were big synth fans, and one time my Dad invited us to lead the congregation in a hymn. Not one of the old traditional hymns, but one of the "new" hymns of the Garth Hewitt hand-clappy evangelical-lite era.

So we practised like crazy. The Sunday we were meant to perform we met before the service, made sure our instruments worked, and pondered our first public performance.

Now the congregation had been slowly introduced to the "new" hymns by my Dad over several years so they knew it pretty well. What my Dad didn't tell my friend and I is that they used the reduced five-verse version and not the seven-verse version that we had practised.

Things went well. Us with our Bossa Nova rhythms rocking the joint until, obviously, the end of the fifth verse. It took about a minute of us continuing to play until we noticed the uncomfortable silence at which point I nodded to my friend, I hit the refill button - like the five-second end of the Countdown music, and ended our one and only performance at the church.

It was a little embarrassing, but we got some great compliments from people at the reception afterwards - tea and lemon cake also does a lot to smooth over the cracks.

Sometimes my Dad reminds me of this as a dig, but then I remind him of the time he ate a daffodil during one of his Easter sermons to prove a point about something, and was violently sick for the rest of the day, so we're good.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:40 PM on August 7, 2016 [11 favorites]


> Why the importance of keeping the cheese secret from the neighbors unless it is illicit cheese

Romantic tension? Who are we to judge.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:43 PM on August 7, 2016 [9 favorites]


Lots of good ideas in this thread...
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:52 PM on August 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


TRAILER

VO: Usually, when there is a crime, there is a motive.

AGENT KUJAN: I want to know why twenty-seven men died on that pier for what looks to be 18 pounds of Red Leicester cheese that wasn't there.

VO: Usually, when there is a lineup, there is only one real suspect.

DEAN KEATON: This whole thing's a taste-test shakedown. There's no way they'd do a pairing of five cheeses with one bottle of wine.

VO: But this is not the usual crime. This is not the usual motive.

FBI AGENT: He saw Gruyère Soze?

VO: And these are not the usual suspects.

McMANUS: There's nothing that can't be eaten.

HOCKNEY: Where'd you get this cheese, from the year-old aisle at Grocery Outlet?

FENSTER (mumbling): Right from the pack. He eats Kraft singles, right from the pack.

VERBAL KINT: No one gets killed. Not if we age it my way.

VO: In a world where nothing is what it seems, you've got to look beyond...

AGENT KUJAN: I know my brie. And I have more Roquefort than you.

VERBAL KINT: The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world cheese food is real cheese.

VO: ...the Usable Raclettes.

KOBAYASHI: I work for Gruyère Soze. He does not expect all of you to live, but those of you who do will have 18 pounds of Red Leicester cheese.

DEAN KEATON: There is no Gruyère Soze!

VERBAL KINT: Well, I eat cheese, and the only thing that scares me is Gruyère Soze.
posted by mattdidthat at 3:00 PM on August 7, 2016 [23 favorites]


The lack of details from the op is quite ridiculous. Is this cheese actually a reference to some potent yet illicit drug?
posted by humanfont at 5:32 PM on August 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Is this cheese actually a reference to some potent yet illicit drug?

If that were the case, getting rid of it shouldn't be a problem.

(If that is the case, please allow me to assist.)
posted by she's not there at 5:38 PM on August 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


We were about 30 minutes from final approach to Newark when a couple of the balloons full of Red Leicster broke and the cheese started leaking out into my gut. The cramps, gas and eventual diarrhea from all that lactose were now a near certainty. It was going to take all my energy to hold it back until we got past customs and to a safe toilet on the other side. --excerpt from the autobiography of a cheese smuggler.
posted by humanfont at 6:33 PM on August 7, 2016 [5 favorites]


Possible titles:

The Limburglars
The Hot Roquefort
The Taking of Feta 1-2-3
The Gouda, the Bleu, and the Ugly
Touchez Pas au Gris-Brie
posted by kewb at 7:21 PM on August 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


Talk to Disney. Get Mickey and Minnie involved. Seems like a no brainer.
posted by jonmc at 7:27 PM on August 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


Can I remind everyone to please tread caerphilly, even though wordshore had the sense to rennet past the mods.
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 7:31 PM on August 7, 2016 [8 favorites]


Children of a Leicester God
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:33 PM on August 7, 2016 [35 favorites]


The Hunt For Red Leicester
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 7:34 PM on August 7, 2016 [13 favorites]


Remember Burn After Reading, and the two awkward but deadly hitmen? I want to see them working for the Dutch, helping with their huge cheese heists of late.
posted by Oyéah at 7:45 PM on August 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Leicester Candidate
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:22 PM on August 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


A Cromulent Event
posted by Namlit at 5:25 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Yes. I learned a new word over at the related Ask.
[Homer Simpson voice]: "Hmmm! Crommmulent!"
posted by Namlit at 5:26 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


To the confusion of many in the overwhelmingly elderly congregation, the church organist went somewhat rogue this evening ...

I'm only watching this cheese heist film if you guys write a part in for the organist.
posted by thivaia at 8:28 AM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Inna Gada Velveeta!
posted by Oyéah at 9:11 AM on August 8, 2016 [8 favorites]


soundtrack: Sweet Dreams are Made of Cheese
posted by emilyw at 10:05 AM on August 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


The Manchego-an Candidate
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:45 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Cheeses Heist Superstar
posted by Kabanos at 8:21 PM on August 8, 2016 [15 favorites]


Moldboy
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:42 PM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Ocean's Brevibacterium
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:49 AM on August 9, 2016 [3 favorites]




Things I did not plan to handle this week, but have so far handled, include...

1) 7 pounds of spilled chocolate powder which went everywhere but my god smelt soooo good but heck took an age to clean up because it went everywhere.
2) The left glove of a current England international cricketer.
3) A 1980s soft porn video tape found, utterly inexplicably, in a rural English hedgerow.
4) A quantity (arm full?) of human (mine) blood (am fine).
5) A small bag of cat hair, recently brushed from a domestic cat.
6) A didgeridoo.
7) Getting back on track: 17.5 pounds of Red Leicester cheese.

(and it's only tuesday afternoon tea time)

It looks like the cheese situation has a happy, socially useful and non-violent outcome. One suggestion on the AskMeFi was spot-on useful and was implemented. I've updated the mods and will do the promised update when loose ends are tied up, before the AskMe closes. Thank you for the suggestions, speculation, conspiracy theories, and erm detective work, on MetaFilter and on other social media such as The Twitter (and who is timewave zero chill? ).
posted by Wordshore at 9:00 AM on August 9, 2016 [12 favorites]


And now I find myself whiling away the workday trying to come up with a unifying story arc that ties together 7lbs of chocolate powder, a cricket glove, an old porn videotape, a "quantity" of blood, a bag of cat hair, a didgeridoo, and lots and lots of cheese...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:43 AM on August 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


posted by Wordshore 3) A 1980s soft porn video tape found, utterly inexplicably, in a rural English hedgerow.

MetaFilter User 53038, please pick up the white courtesy phone!
posted by mattdidthat at 11:22 AM on August 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


(and who is timewave zero chill? ).

griphus!
posted by BungaDunga at 2:56 PM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


prove it
posted by griphus at 3:28 PM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


We could start with the cyrogenics lab and a 63 million£ diamond.
posted by clavdivs at 3:50 PM on August 9, 2016


This is clearly the thread to advertise my all-cheese restaurant, Come To Cheeses.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 10:50 PM on August 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


In The Stilton of the Night
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:53 AM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm so cheesed off with these puns.
posted by Namlit at 8:19 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


To Havarti Have Not
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:35 AM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


The cheesey show Leverage once had an episode about a potato heist.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:43 AM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


The World Is Not ENeufchâtel
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:43 AM on August 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


The Roquefort Files
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:44 AM on August 10, 2016 [15 favorites]


Muenster Squad
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:13 AM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Camembert America
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:34 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Actually: Cheesebusters
posted by Namlit at 12:48 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Developing this movie has turned into a real cottage industry.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:17 PM on August 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


Mascarpone and Camembert: The Far Side of the Wheel
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:27 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Cheddar Off Dead
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:28 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Mo Feta Blues
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 2:37 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


Brie Movie
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 2:40 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


How about some music? Les Cheeserables
posted by Namlit at 3:56 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Provolone 2: Lost in New York
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:05 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Home Provolone

The Day the Earth Stood Stilton

Full Metal Jack

Fresh Off the Goat

Gloucester in Space

Everybody Loves Romano

Fear and Halloumi in Las Vegas

Harold & Kumar Asiago to White Castle

She's Ricotta Have It

Who's the Mozz (starring Tony Edamza)
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:08 PM on August 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


Swiss Family Robinson

no wait...
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:14 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Fondue the Right Thing
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:23 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Their Leicester
posted by scrump at 4:48 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


Gruyere-vity

The Swissth Sense

The Gorgonz-ola the Galaxy

All About Chèvre

Balaton v Superman: Dawn of Justcheese
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:52 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


What's the Worcester That Could Happen?
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:53 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Close Encounters of the Curd Kind
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:08 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Raclettatouille
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:10 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Bridget Jones' Dairy
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:11 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


The Wedges of Madison County
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:11 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


From Gruyère To Eternity (Presented in Colby Sound)
posted by Room 641-A at 5:17 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


The Guns of Mascarpone
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:18 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


The Land Beaufort Time
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:20 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Catch Me If You Cannoli
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:25 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


24 - The Movie, starring Kefir Sutherland

Les Mizithrables
posted by Room 641-A at 5:29 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Aleister Through the Looking Glass

The Silence of the Lancashire
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:32 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Red Hawk Down
posted by Room 641-A at 5:38 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


American Cheese Beauty
American Cheese History X
American Cheese Hustle
American Cheese Graffiti
Wet Hot American Cheese Summer
An American Cheese Werewolf in London
posted by nobody at 5:39 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Please note: there really is a Swiss Cheese Family Robinson.
posted by nobody at 5:43 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


(Kind of shocked no one's done Blue Velveeta yet, which is, like, a double pun I think?)
posted by nobody at 5:47 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


The Velveeta-een Rabbit

I am curious, Bleu

Our man in Havarti

Banon of the Spring

Smilla's sense of Snøfrisk

Red Hawk Down ... damnit
posted by zippy at 5:47 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Pan's Labneh

Batman vs Supermanchego

posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 5:58 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Emmentalist
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:00 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Jurassic Parmigiano
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 6:00 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Himmelsraften über Berlin, by Wim Wensleydale
posted by zippy at 6:10 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


As Goudas it Gets
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 6:12 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Also by Wim Wensleydale, Havar' away, paneer
posted by zippy at 6:17 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also also, Kings of the Roq'
posted by zippy at 6:18 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I Capture the Castellano
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 6:25 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Cheeses of Montreal
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 6:33 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Roque IV
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:53 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Carlito's Whey
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 7:00 PM on August 10, 2016 [10 favorites]


les amants du pont-neufchatel
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 7:03 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


The curious käse of Benjamin Button
posted by zippy at 7:14 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


Goudafellas
posted by The World Famous at 7:30 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


Rosemary's Babybel
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 7:39 PM on August 10, 2016 [14 favorites]


Pimento
posted by Room 641-A at 8:00 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Quesoblanca
posted by zamboni at 9:08 PM on August 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


The String
posted by Room 641-A at 9:08 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Havarti Five-0
posted by sapagan at 1:14 AM on August 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


Halloumi: The Curds of Michael Meyers
posted by Kabanos at 7:52 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


The Fifth Emmental
posted by Kabanos at 7:52 AM on August 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


Gunfight at the Oka Corral
posted by Kabanos at 7:53 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


"Bridget Jones' Dairy"

That was the one with Renée Appenzellweger?
posted by Kabanos at 8:01 AM on August 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Dial M for Munster
posted by zippy at 9:06 AM on August 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


Act of Kashkavalor
posted by griphus at 9:14 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


The Adventures of Baron Von Münsterkäse
posted by Kabanos at 9:26 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


"no ones going to write a cheesy heist script unless there are shipwreck artifacts, Howard"
posted by clavdivs at 9:28 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


East of Edam
posted by The World Famous at 10:59 AM on August 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


Star Anise Trek V: The Final Paneer
posted by Kabanos at 12:03 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Run Gorgonzola Run
posted by The World Famous at 12:42 PM on August 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Oh good grief; surely that is every cheese variety exhausted by now.
{looks at list of cheeses} My God, it's full of cheeses. An inexhaustible variety of cheeses...
posted by Wordshore at 12:45 PM on August 11, 2016


Sounds like this movie could have a sequel, or even turn into a long running franchise. You are set for life.
posted by Michele in California at 12:49 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Chanco Unchained
posted by Kabanos at 12:50 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Cashew Nut Cheese Me If You Can

no?
posted by Kabanos at 12:50 PM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


{looks at list of cheeses} My God, it's full of cheeses

Huh - until now I was unaware of Government Cheese and Tasty Cheese.
posted by Kabanos at 12:52 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Tasty Cheese

That's...all of them, isn't it?
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:55 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Sounds like this movie could have a sequel, or even turn into a long running franchise.

ooh I want running French cheese.
posted by Namlit at 1:25 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Ooooooohh...the cat's eaten it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:41 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


My cat's breath smells like Cathare
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:44 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


So, your cat has baited breathe.
posted by Michele in California at 1:46 PM on August 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


The Cheez Wiz
posted by The World Famous at 1:59 PM on August 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


Velveeta Goldmine
posted by The World Famous at 2:00 PM on August 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


The Edams Family
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 2:18 PM on August 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


what do you call cheese that isn't yours
posted by griphus at 2:23 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


nacho cheese
posted by The otter lady at 2:29 PM on August 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Briegadoon
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:31 PM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Bleu Hawaii
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:31 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I went through two extensive lists of cheeses (Wikipedia's, expanding the lists for multiple countries, plus that cheeses a to z website) looking for some way to construct "[cheese name] of Arabia"

I did not succeed.
posted by zippy at 3:46 PM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Lawrinsed-rind of Arabia?
posted by Room 641-A at 4:07 PM on August 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


Borat: Cultural Learnings of American Cheese for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kashkaval
posted by Kabanos at 7:48 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Laruns of Arabia?
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 8:05 PM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Ae Fondue Kiss

Pacific Romano

Fromage Here to Eternity
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 8:09 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Lawrence of a Reggiano
posted by The World Famous at 8:35 PM on August 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


what do you call cheese that isn't yours

There is no such thing
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:39 PM on August 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


Huh - until now I was unaware of Government Cheese and Tasty Cheese.

Tasty cheese is the most misleadingly named cheese ever.
posted by lollusc at 11:20 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Foodfight!
posted by Evilspork at 11:50 PM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Jurassic Quark

The Bleus Brothers
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 12:32 AM on August 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Easy Ridder
posted by Kabanos at 7:44 AM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


South Park: Bigger Langres & Uncut
posted by Kabanos at 7:48 AM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


Guys, the movie titles are going great, but casting just called and the only ideas they have so far are Brie Larson and Ray Romano. They need help.
posted by Kabanos at 7:56 AM on August 12, 2016 [8 favorites]


Cubed Gouda Jr.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:44 AM on August 12, 2016 [16 favorites]


Pam Gruyère
posted by Kabanos at 11:59 AM on August 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Queso Affleck
posted by Kabanos at 1:09 PM on August 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Parm Gruyère, surely.
posted by Etrigan at 1:19 PM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]


Jeremy Rennet
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:35 PM on August 12, 2016 [8 favorites]


Edame Maggie Smith
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:40 PM on August 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


Benedict Camembertbatch
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:42 PM on August 12, 2016 [8 favorites]


Bocconcinio del Toro
posted by Kabanos at 1:56 PM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


Livno Tyler
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:23 PM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


Halloumi Holden
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:23 PM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


Al Pecorino
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:23 PM on August 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Danbozel Washington
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:23 PM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


Chevre Chase
posted by griphus at 2:23 PM on August 12, 2016 [8 favorites]


James Colby (I am lazy)
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:27 PM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


Elizabeth McGovernment-Cheese
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:28 PM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]


Gruyere Garson

(That is a surprisingly handy cheese!)
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:34 PM on August 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


Vivian Leighcester
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:34 PM on August 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


Gregory Pecorino
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 3:43 PM on August 12, 2016 [5 favorites]


Ben Stilton
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 3:45 PM on August 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Perhaps Stilton John could write some cheesy ballads for the soundtrack?
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 3:46 PM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]


Or how about a duet with Fontina Turner?
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 3:58 PM on August 12, 2016 [9 favorites]


Janeane Bufarolo
posted by Kabanos at 4:49 PM on August 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


The Roq
posted by Room 641-A at 4:53 PM on August 12, 2016 [7 favorites]


Baby Adele?
posted by Kabanos at 4:55 PM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


Esrom Zimbalist, Jr.
Harbison Ford
(And from earlier, Kefir Sutherland.)
posted by Room 641-A at 5:07 PM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


(I'd like to take a moment to thank Mettowee for creating FetaFilter, and to raise my glass in a big Gjetost to everyone: Yay everyone!)
posted by Room 641-A at 5:16 PM on August 12, 2016 [8 favorites]


Baby Bel Lugosi
posted by The World Famous at 5:28 PM on August 12, 2016 [6 favorites]


No Thursday Next references? In two threads involving a possible cheese heist?

I'm just going to assume I missed them. It's too close to bedtime to give in to disappointment.
posted by angeline at 10:07 PM on August 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Stanger Cheese could be Netflix's next big hit
posted by humanfont at 10:43 PM on August 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


The Blue Cheeses Brothers
posted by Namlit at 5:52 AM on August 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


Answers to questions.
posted by Wordshore at 8:39 AM on August 13, 2016 [9 favorites]


That is a thing of beauty.
posted by lazuli at 8:54 AM on August 13, 2016


At the risk of being rude...

There are aspects of the story that I'm pretty sure I don't believe, but most of all there's no way that dialogue is close to verbatim. It's atrocious!

But what I disbelieve the most is this Bob/windows impediment to moving things into the fridge. If the cheese could be ferreted out a window at night, it could be brought into the fridge under darkness, too. Or -- even more basically -- it could have been brought into the fridge in chunks inside non-cheese containers.

So...I guess however much of the story is accurate, it sure seems like people coming up with reasons why their situation is more difficult than it really is.

(Though I guess that describes a whole lot of AskMe questions.)
posted by nobody at 10:04 AM on August 13, 2016


So now that we have dialog, with suitably nice holes that can be creatively filled in, who is working on the script?
posted by Michele in California at 10:20 AM on August 13, 2016 [3 favorites]


We were wondering when the first "This is Photoshopped!" comment would come in...

At the risk of being rude...

(This feels like when someone leads with "I'm not being racist, but...") Okay; awaits rude comments.

There are aspects of the story that I'm pretty sure I don't believe, but most of all there's no way that dialogue is close to verbatim. It's atrocious!

Bizarre. It's very close to verbatim. It's not absolutely word perfect, but is very close to as I remember it and ran it through my head several times soon afterwards.

But what I disbelieve the most is this Bob/windows impediment to moving things into the fridge. If the cheese could be ferreted out a window at night, it could be brought into the fridge under darkness, too.

The window removal (on the other side of the apartment) and the fridge possibility are two different things; equating them makes no sense.

More importantly, in two words: FRIDGE LIGHT. Maybe this is peculiar to English fridges, but when you open them you have an instant blaze of light like a mini bloody Eddystone Lighthouse illuminating the immediate vicinity, including yourself, the food inside, and whatever you are holding. Just the thing to attract the attention of a watching, with binoculars or webcam, nutcase neighbor.

Or -- even more basically -- it could have been brought into the fridge in chunks inside non-cheese containers.

That is an option, yes. But it doesn't solve the problem of opening the container at some point in the future within a sightline of Bob. Or him saying, as he 100% would if you have ever met him, "What's in all those containers you've been putting in the fridge?"

If or when you next visit England, please open and close a domestic fridge at night and see what happens.
posted by Wordshore at 10:23 AM on August 13, 2016 [4 favorites]


The lights in British fridges are the only part of them that works. Also British: Andy's door that one moment is unexplicably open and then clicks shut when it shouldn't.

Then there are the nosy neigbors, excuses, neighbours. Aunt Petunia, right?
It's maybe a European thing? My kids one day showed me that our neighbour's window plants had grey curly hair (rural Sweden). No wonder everything we did and didn't went round in the village almost before we had done it.

No, this story is 100% plausible, although it might be great to know who owned all that cheese in the first place (and why!) and how it wound up at Andy's place. Somebody's idea of a practical joke?
posted by Namlit at 10:36 AM on August 13, 2016 [2 favorites]


You effectively burgled your neighbor, the one who is permanently angry and is obsessed with collecting axes and was thrown out of the re-enactment society because he took it too literally and chopped down a teepee during a re-enactment and everyone else around here crosses the street to avoid him and when he was running for a bus that one time several locals panicked and dialed the police?

Oh man, I'd written "ill-conceived" but in actuality this heist was worst-conceived...
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:18 AM on August 13, 2016 [4 favorites]


I am English, I've lived in English villages, I don't know Wordshore, but their story is entirely believable.

My mum once came home to find our freezer packed full of fish as a result of similar village shenanigans. It happens.

Mum listens to the Archers, and I regularly have to ask her if the crazy story she's currently telling me is from the village or off the radio. It's mostly the village.
posted by Helga-woo at 12:59 AM on August 14, 2016 [6 favorites]


Oi
Unplug the bloody frig!
posted by clavdivs at 8:58 AM on August 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


There is one obvious way to get rid of the cheese that doesn't seem to be mentioned: chuck it in the moving boxes full of bedroom stuff when running like hell from this insane monster apartment. Alternatively, stash it in the air ducts before moving and leave it for the next resident to deal with. Any solution that doesn't involve ditching a crazy neighbor who spies on him with binoculars 24 hours a day and then tells him about it, a housing contract that forbids curtains (WTF?), and a nutter down the hall with anger management problems who refuses to pay common bills and now knows one of his neighbors stole his year's supply of cheese is missing the forest for the trees.

But, assuming only spy-vs-spy options are allowed - a condition without which none of this makes any sense - there are lots of fun options. A 3AM alarm and a temporary piece of tape over the fridge light switch seems plausible, as does unplugging it as clavdivs astutely mentions. A bit of spring cleaning in which a stepstool is repeatedly carried back and forth between rooms with three pounds of cheese strapped to the underside of the step also works. As would, less excitingly, carrying a now empty teapot full of cheese back to the kitchen twice a day. A fluffy bathrobe and a set of cheese-garters to suspend a brick at a time between the legs, combined with an out-of-sight kitchen staging area is more fun. An out of town visitor with a fat-suit also works. (I assume by the time you've waited long enough for plausible weight gain, the cheese would have gone off already. So you'd better bring in an unknown actor. I'm sure there are mefites who would volunteer.)

Or, perhaps a new hobby? Each day before leaving for work, he sets his banjo on the kitchen counter while filling his thermos. With a bit of practice, deftly removing a block of cheese from the trap door in the banjo case and, back turned, setting it in the fridge while fetching the milk shouldn't be too hard.

A bit of misdirection would also work. Burying small crimes behind much larger crimes always works in the movies. Hiding the cheese in the chest cavity of a mannequin or a Resussa Annie doll, theatrically cutting the limbs off the doll with a chainsaw, and then stuffing the parts in the fridge with the lights on would give the neighbor something other than cheese to think about. And it would give everyone who reads the local paper a chuckle.

But, if it were me, I'd probably rig up a series of triggered flash bulbs in the windows. (A laser pointer could also work nicely, but that might actually be illegal. Then again, breaking into someone's apartment to collect a debt in cheese isn't exactly living within the law.) Wait until you see the gleam of the neighbor's binoculars, hit the flash button, carry a brick of cheese to the kitchen, go back to what you were doing before. Repeat a few times an evening. Once the cheese has all been eaten, you can leave the flash bulbs on a random timer and go on with life as usual. (Where "usual" is an intensely local definition.)
posted by eotvos at 2:08 PM on August 14, 2016 [14 favorites]


Hiding the cheese in the chest cavity of a mannequin or a Resussa Annie doll, theatrically cutting the limbs off the doll with a chainsaw, and then stuffing the parts in the fridge with the lights on would give the neighbor something other than cheese to think about.

That is actually quite brilliant and I wish we had done that. Best suggestion ever.
posted by Wordshore at 2:28 PM on August 14, 2016 [14 favorites]


(Even if, on reflection, the consequences would have very likely been a hysterical Bob calling the police, who would then have raided)
posted by Wordshore at 3:13 PM on August 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


See you next Wenselydale.

Roumy and Milbenkäse's High School Re-ripening.
posted by tilde at 8:32 AM on August 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


Worst Rear Window remake ever.
posted by The World Famous at 1:52 PM on August 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


Rear Window 2: The Cheese Heist Incident
posted by Michele in California at 1:57 PM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Gruyere Window
posted by The World Famous at 2:32 PM on August 15, 2016 [6 favorites]


Rindhouse: Robert Rodriguez's fromage to exploitation B-movies.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:42 PM on August 15, 2016 [11 favorites]


I for sure want Jason Statham to voice-over the interlude.
posted by nickmark at 5:39 PM on August 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


You're only supposed to blow the bloody rind off!
posted by The World Famous at 6:07 PM on August 15, 2016 [8 favorites]


Ermahgerd: Adelegger Urberger
posted by Kabanos at 9:48 AM on August 17, 2016


Boursin the Hood
posted by Room 641-A at 2:50 PM on August 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Second (and final) FAQ added, and the AskMe set to "resolved". Time to move on with our cheese/lives.
posted by Wordshore at 8:09 AM on August 18, 2016


So apparently everything I've learned about rural UK listening to The Archers and watching Midsomer Murders is 100% accurate. This is fantastic news.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:26 AM on August 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Hairlloumi.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:27 AM on August 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


This was the best Jasper Fforde novel I never read.
posted by GuyZero at 12:56 PM on August 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


Buzzfeed quiz: What percentage cheese are you?
posted by Wordshore at 3:50 PM on August 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


So I came back to this thread first, and got confused. I thought people were constructing yet another hypothetical narrative about what happened. Then I followed the cracker crumbs back to the original cheese Ask.

So, to sum up, I gather the following:

English village. Fred. Drunkenly purloined cheese. Andy. Axe threats. Bob. A fridge under surveillance. No curtains. Help.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:26 PM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


Buzzfeed quiz: What percentage cheese are you?

86% the first time around, but then I remembered that grits are a type of cereal, and cheesy grits are a thing — a tasty, tasty, thing — so not only would I put cheese on cereal, I have put cheese on cereal. When I retook the quiz and corrected that answer I was 91% cheese.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:54 AM on August 24, 2016


Dammit! This would have been a much better title for the AskMe post.
posted by Wordshore at 8:20 AM on August 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


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