Love Thy Neighbor, AskMe style!

January 2, 2007 12:56 PM

Love Thy Neighbor, AskMe style! How to fend off the slobbering junkies who dared to penetrate your hard-won suburban isolation with their outrageous requests.
posted by hermitosis to Etiquette/Policy at 12:56 PM (75 comments total)

A borrowed $20 and a borrowed blender (which may very well be returned today, as promised by the borrower) provoke almost unanimously suspicious and hostile advice. Highlights:

"Smells like junkies to me. Maybe upscale ones, that took longer to run outta cash."

"They latch onto better people than themselves, and drain them until their victims get sick of their shit and boot them out. Then they move on, with one more story about how people are "not fair."

"Some people only define your worth by what they can soak you for. Call them what they are: parasites."

"Also, go NOW and get your blender back. If you are refused, find a large friend or two and return with them to ask again. That will be the surest way to prevent being hassled for future 'loans' by these miscreants."
posted by hermitosis at 12:56 PM on January 2, 2007

Uh. So you're upset that a few people are cynical hermits?
posted by cortex at 12:58 PM on January 2, 2007

I agree the responses were sort of strange. I would venture to guess that a lot of the "angrier" responses were from non-urbanites. Part of living in an urban setting is learning that there's always something weird you have to live with. Annoying neighbors, suspicious landlords, strange roommates. You learn to deal.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:58 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

The last paragraph of the question says:

But I get a weird feeling from these people. (...) I just don't want them as part of my life, and I feel like for some reason they are trying to push their way in.

People seemed to be responding to the tone set by the question. What's the problem?
posted by ambrosia at 1:01 PM on January 2, 2007

You know, I live in the city because I love it, but sometimes the anti-suburbanite snark comes off as kind of petty.
posted by jonmc at 1:02 PM on January 2, 2007

One of my neighbors came by on New Years Day to introduce himself. I shot him.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:02 PM on January 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

*Opens door, reads cortex's question, backs away veeeeery slooooowly and reaches for pepper spray*
posted by hermitosis at 1:03 PM on January 2, 2007

I think the answers have done a major disservice. Now instead of wondering whether she should be more assertive, she'll be laying awake at night listening for funny noises with her cell phone under her pillow.
posted by hermitosis at 1:05 PM on January 2, 2007

jonmc, I wasn't snarking. Baltimore City is totally suburban, because it's not NYC. Hello??
posted by hermitosis at 1:07 PM on January 2, 2007

Question: is there any particular use for a blender as part of illegal drug use or manufacture?
posted by orthogonality at 1:08 PM on January 2, 2007

"Question: is there any particular use for a blender as part of illegal drug use or manufacture?"

Meth Smoothies.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:09 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

wouldn't that be Smethies?
posted by jonmc at 1:10 PM on January 2, 2007

Airhen seems to have trouble saying no, and also seems to be looking for ways to learn to say no. I think the "mean" responses were there to reinforce what the poster actually wanted to do, which is not to feel obligated to help out these people who are now creeping her out.
posted by frecklefaerie at 1:10 PM on January 2, 2007

Baltimore City is totally suburban, because it's not NYC. Hello??

Exactly! And no one who isn't from NYC is smart enough to answer the question correctly. I mean, we might as well just shut the site down to anyone who isn't from the 5 boroughs, am I right New Yorkers?!?!?!?

I have a feeling that's what some people might read, so I might as well just say it and save them the trouble of reading between the lines. I love everyone everywhere, I truly do.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:11 PM on January 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

A blender's a good tool for pulverizing poppy heads, as part of opium-tea production. That's what I've read, anyway.
posted by box at 1:12 PM on January 2, 2007

Crystal (Meth) Lite
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:13 PM on January 2, 2007

Poor answers, perhaps, but I don't get the scary city/isolated suburbs angle you're working here. Only one of the answers you quoted have any implications of the sort, while the others apply to mooches of all environs. (And the original poster is living in the city.)
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 1:13 PM on January 2, 2007

Ridiculous call-out. Baltimore City is a helluva far cry from suburban. Have you ever been there? Come down for a visit sometime if urban wastelands don't make you too skeevy. But fair warning, being from NYC, it might be a little scary.

P.S. I am almost convinced that these folks are either junkies or just bad neighbors. Call it a hunch.
posted by dhammond at 1:14 PM on January 2, 2007

Question: is there any particular use for a blender as part of illegal drug use or manufacture?

I had a roommate in college that used my blender as the first stage in an elaborate set-up to turn cheap weed into good hash. Since he was blending it with alcohol (the chemical kind, not the drinking kind) it didn't do any permanent damage to my blender and cleaned up quite easily.

It wasn't quite a money making operation, rather a small and pathetic attempt to do something useful with ditch weed that yielded effective results, but given the amount of labor that went into it, was more hassle than it was worth.
posted by Gucky at 1:16 PM on January 2, 2007

This is probably going to turn out to be the same issue we dealt with a few weeks ago, when that Asker wanted to know what to do about her sort-of-creepy-but-generally-nice building supervisor. Some of us will say, "Define your boundaries now, or they'll walk all over you" (because it's generally true), some will say, "Do unto others as you will have them do unto you" (because it's generally true), and some will say, "OMG CALL THE COPS BC THESE GUYZ R DOIN DRUGZ/RAPIN U AND THEY WILL KILLZ U IN UR SLEEP" (because it's generally true).
posted by muddgirl at 1:19 PM on January 2, 2007

P.S. I am almost convinced that these folks are either junkies or just bad neighbors. Call it a hunch.

I am almost convinced you are a man or a woman. Call it a hunch.

Seriously, what are the other choices? (not being mean, just teasing you)
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:21 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

Damn you flo, you have caused my productivity to decline by 18% today! Cuz of the funny.
posted by Mister_A at 1:22 PM on January 2, 2007

I'm not contending that Baltimore City is a lesser city (though I'm sure it is). I'm suggesting that the advice offered reflects attitudes that actual city-dwellers who are used to actual contact with their neighbors might find really baffling. By the way, dhammond, can I borrow $5 for a sock-puppet? This has been the worst. New Year. EVAR.
posted by hermitosis at 1:22 PM on January 2, 2007

Is Baltimore City the same city as Baltimore?
posted by Mister_A at 1:24 PM on January 2, 2007

not being mean, just teasing you

Sad.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 1:25 PM on January 2, 2007

I'm suggesting that the advice offered reflects attitudes that actual city-dwellers who are used to actual contact with their neighbors I might find really baffling.

Fixed that for you.
posted by prostyle at 1:28 PM on January 2, 2007

Baltimore City is essentially the same thing as Baltimore. The "City" is tacked on to differentiate it from Baltimore County, which is truly suburban.

actual city-dwellers who are used to actual contact with their neighbors might find really baffling

Aww, that's adorable!
posted by dhammond at 1:29 PM on January 2, 2007

Yeah, many of those answers are kinda weird. I mean, I generally am a cynical hermit who has no interest in speaking to my neighbors, but if they came and asked to borrow a little cash or my blender (once), I'd probably not assume they were crazed drug addicts out for my blood. None of which has anything to do with the right of airhen to say no or learning how to feel comfortable doing so.
posted by dame at 1:46 PM on January 2, 2007

Not to quibble, and not that I have any idea where in the city she lives, but "Roland Park" (yes, there are apt buildings there) Baltimore City isn't much like "North Avenue" Baltimore City. Not that I think that location should be the defining issue.

Her boyfriend and friends called her "dumb", and she got plenty of responses here that pretty much agreed with that assessment. Last I checked, decent doesn't equal dumb, and a borrower doesn't equal junkie.
posted by KAS at 1:47 PM on January 2, 2007

Oh come on. The very first 2 lines of her question are "I moved into a new place about a month ago in Baltimore City. The building is mostly young professionals, but there are some people who are not. In other words, it is just vaguely possible there are some people in the building who are getting gentrified and are looking to get what they can from their richer neighbors. I lived in Baltimore city for 13 years (it's a lot scarier than New York) and if you think she'll ever see that $20 or that blender again, well, I admire you for your idealism and defense of the trodden down blenderless masses. Borrowing a blender from a neighbor is acceptable, IMHO. Borrowing a 20 is not and the combination of the two does not bode well. I would think urbanites, who are used to neighbors, know that and just automatically don't lend money and it's new city folk (she just moved in) who fall for that kind of thing.

But the blender was probably used for something totally innocent like daiquiris or margaritas if it wasn't just squirreled away to be used some other time when it might come in handy. Also, there's a political/legal reason for the Baltimore City/County split - the city is totally autonomous and just happens to be surrounded by the county.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:48 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

I agree with whoever it was that said that, if your first contact from someone is "hey, can I have $20?", this is a person to avoid.
posted by Mister_A at 1:54 PM on January 2, 2007

Shakespeare said neither a borrower nor a blender lender be.
posted by found missing at 2:07 PM on January 2, 2007 [7 favorites]

I don't get the people defending the neighbors here. If I just moved in somewhere and some guy I barely know decides the next step in conversation is to ask me for money, I'm gonna think he's a scumbag. You couldn't have gotten money from someone you actually know or what? Frankly it's about a few steps up from those dickheads that hang out at gas stations asking for a hand-out. And now this guy found someone stupid enough to actually give him money and probably plans on walking all over miss spineless. Yeah it starts with little stuff like a 20 or a blender but who knows where it leads. Thankfully it appears the asker will stop letting strangers borrow her vagina when she's not using it.
posted by bob sarabia at 2:11 PM on January 2, 2007

Although I will be using the line "I had a bad year, can I borrow your vagina?" in the near future.
posted by bob sarabia at 2:13 PM on January 2, 2007

Had I a vagina, there would never come a time when I was not using it...
posted by Mister_A at 2:19 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

Man, next time my neighbor asks to borrow my Shop-Vac I am totally gonna kick his suburban ass.
posted by fixedgear at 2:24 PM on January 2, 2007

Here I am thinking about all the fun I could have loaning my vagina to people.

Does that make me generous or perverted?
posted by loquacious at 2:33 PM on January 2, 2007

A little of both, loq.
posted by Mister_A at 2:43 PM on January 2, 2007

actual city-dwellers who are used to actual contact with their neighbors

I'm an actual city-dweller used to actual contact with my actual neighbors. And if someone asked me for a $20 after a few weeks of occasional hello nods, I'd find it bizarre.
posted by desuetude at 2:52 PM on January 2, 2007

hermitosis, have you ever been to Baltimore? It's a lot different from NYC, and I concur with mygothlaundry: it's a lot scarier (in places). When strangers are asking to borrow your stuff, it can mean something different than it does in NY. What is the point of this callout again?

Personally, the only neighbors who've ever asked to borrow money from me--in all the cities I've lived, including NYC--have either been addicts or con artists.
posted by veronica sawyer at 2:52 PM on January 2, 2007

For January can we have a worst-callout contest? The person who posts the lamest call out will have their apartment broken into by Matt and Jess who will steal their Wii.
posted by LarryC at 3:00 PM on January 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

> neither a borrower nor a blender lender be.

Thank you! Just because of that, it's going to be a good year no matter what other shit goes down.
posted by jfuller at 3:04 PM on January 2, 2007

I don't think it's weird to not want to lend someone you don't know very well money. Of the people who live in my building, I probably would, but whatever, not wanting to isn't weird. Leaping from that to OMG they are crazy junkies who will rape you and kill your children and eat your heart? That I find weird.
posted by dame at 3:11 PM on January 2, 2007

You'll have to rip my hard-won suburban isolation from my cold, dead hands.
posted by Otis at 3:15 PM on January 2, 2007

I'm a suburbanite with actual contact with my actual neighbors. Now I feel like a freak. Thanks a ton, hermitosis.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:24 PM on January 2, 2007

borrowing cash from neighbors = you are a freak.

in their defense, they might not be junkies. It is possible they are scam artists or just tremendous assholes.

If the city you live in is Unicorn Town, and your neighbor on Lollipop Lane drops over to borrow a cup of gum drops, by all means go for it.

But these people are freaks.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:24 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

Leaping from that to OMG they are crazy junkies who will rape you and kill your children and eat your heart? That I find weird.

That comment must have been deleted, dame, 'cause I can't find it anywhere.
posted by timeistight at 3:26 PM on January 2, 2007

Facts:

1. I have been been to Baltimore. Full disclosure: when I posted this I was not certain whether "Baltimore City" was something else. Sort of like how "Brooklyn" is a borough and "Lynbrook" is, well, somewhere in Long Island.

2. We don't have very much information from the poster about the borrowers. Not even a physical description (though our responders have painted quite a quick-sketch of these fiends, who probably only needed the blender because the ferret was already full and the baby sill had six more toes). She was unsettled, either by the borrowing or by her own automatic acquiescence. So in confronting this rather neutral little biosphere of a question instead of asking more questions, we wind up with OMG JUNKIE.

3. Neighbors suck. Yes, even you. As AskMe has demonstrated, even the quietest lightweight unconsciously stomps when she walks, and even the most well-meaning Mexicans will steal your electricity if you don't keep it locked up. But sometimes neighbors overcome their suckiness by helping you out in a moment of need. There is a certain equilibrium that one attains in ones life by giving others the benefit of the doubt.

4. Unless of course, a person immediately creeps you out by doing something inappropriate. The poster did not point out anything that struck her as overtly inappropriate. And while her Spidey-Sense tingled, we've already established that she was defensive about being inequipped to say no, and has been coached into paranoia by her boyfriends (and now AskMe). But ultimately, there isn't a single fact in her post that indicated that a snap-judgment of hostility or suspicion has been warranted. Instead of advising her to find out more, most people have told her to settle for less, to wall herself off and consider the experience a brush with the howling, qliphotic Other-world that lures human souls like a tar-pit.

5. I think that a new person in a new building ought to get to know their neighbors. Asking the other neighbors is a great place to start, and could spare the poster all our boogeyman-generating (or at least conclusively validate it). Beyond that, most of the advice is totally toxic and anti-social. But then I think that's where AskMe most often fails: when people use a computer-based medium to ask a bunch of computery people about nuanced interpersonal issues in real life. Real life experiences vary so broadly that the "YMMV" should be branded on our eyes in flame when we read these answers.

6. YMMV.
posted by BE ADEQUITE at 3:35 PM on January 2, 2007

Thanks for the sock puppet, dhammond.
posted by BE ADEQUITE at 3:35 PM on January 2, 2007

Leaping from that to OMG they are crazy junkies who will rape you and kill your children and eat your heart? That I find weird.

I think only one person really freaked out in that thread but I think it's pretty normal for people to think they might be junkies. It's not unheard of for lowlifes to do this kinda stuff. Better safe than sorry and all that.

And I just saw the advice hermitosis gave and it's pretty horrible. That's a good way to get in a bad situation quick.
posted by bob sarabia at 3:37 PM on January 2, 2007

Now it is a race problem.
posted by micayetoca at 3:45 PM on January 2, 2007

I knew that'd end up here - I stand by my post, though, although if I'm wrong, I'm wrong and I'll be happily chastised.
posted by tristeza at 3:52 PM on January 2, 2007

Oh, and I don't think it's a race problem, either - I just think that race may be playing a role in these interactions. Maybe.
posted by tristeza at 3:53 PM on January 2, 2007

I don't have time to go over the thread again and pick stuff out (because I need to indulge my unholy love for Bill Laimbeer and like hatred for Michael Jordon very soon), but there was more than one comment about "security" and "big boyfriends" and just general weirdy paranoia--at least in my memory. Not to mention, that so many people jump from "borrower" even "annoying borrower" to "junkie" is indicative of that kind of paranoia I decided to be hyperbolic about.
posted by dame at 3:56 PM on January 2, 2007

I suspect they're gay. I mean, a blender??
posted by found missing at 3:57 PM on January 2, 2007

If she had done what I suggested, bob, she would have had a lot more details in her post for us to work from. Like actually knowing something about the lady other than that she needs to blend something.
posted by hermitosis at 4:00 PM on January 2, 2007

So. inquiring minds want to know. Did we get the blender back, yet? Or at least the pawn ticket? The suspense is killing me.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:08 PM on January 2, 2007

You are right, tristeza, you didn't say it was a race problem. Sorry for that. I just thought if we start judging through the lens of sensitive issues, the tone of the thread could get a lot harsher very fast.
posted by micayetoca at 4:39 PM on January 2, 2007

Both sides here are wrong. The question was "How do I learn to say No/Grow a Spine?" NOT "Should I trust these particular neigbors?"

She's already told us she gets a bad feeling about them and doesn't "want them as part of [her] life." We have to trust that she, who has much more information about this, as well as her friends, who seem to be backing her up, have made the right decision already. The question was how to carry it through.
posted by vacapinta at 4:43 PM on January 2, 2007

vacapinta nailed it.
posted by timeistight at 4:44 PM on January 2, 2007

Anyone who has ever been in a situation like this knows exactly what is going on. I spent years living in cheap shitbox apartments, dealing with neurotic neighbors, before I wised up and started dropping a little more on the rent in exchange for peace of mind.

Unspoken social mores exist, and while they may be bullshit, or isolating or whatever, that's not a leap the borrower of blender and the twenty should make. I thought the advice was exactly correct, even conservative. I'd have said get better locks, and talk to the landlord.
posted by atchafalaya at 4:49 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Now it is a race problem."

I don't think so. Black folks might borrow a mixer, but never a blender.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:53 PM on January 2, 2007

You'll have to rip my hard-won suburban isolation from my cold, dead hands.
Except that, because of your isolation, by the time anyone notices you're dead, your hands will no longer be cold, having been warmed by the process of advanced putrefaction.
posted by dg at 5:21 PM on January 2, 2007

What's interesting to me is that it's not clear how the moochers knew that she had a blender. I think she ought to start trying to one-up them by asking to borrow syringes, bunsen burners, and guns.
posted by bingo at 6:03 PM on January 2, 2007

You are right, tristeza, you didn't say it was a race problem. Sorry for that. I just thought if we start judging through the lens of sensitive issues, the tone of the thread could get a lot harsher very fast.

Totally cool. And, turns out I was wrong anyway - poster dispelled my assumptions, and I thank them for letting me know I was wrong.
posted by tristeza at 6:04 PM on January 2, 2007

Borrowing $20 on NYE insn't unheard of... it's a bit iffy but strange things happen on NYE. People behave strangely and the coming full moon summons A-thru-C class werewolves. And yes, it is laughable how the green always leaps to the absolute worst conclusions about people. I'm surprised nobody made the blender-explosive-terrorist connection. Then again, I don't think terrorists would waste explosives on Baltimore. That'd just be kind of rubbing it in.
posted by nixerman at 6:12 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Excuse me, could I borrow a couple of gallons of lye, some industrial strength rubber gloves, a ballpeen hammer, and a bread knife? Thanks!"
posted by blue_beetle at 6:19 PM on January 2, 2007

I was one of the people who posted in that thread with a warning -- I'm the last quote at the top. And I have extremely good credentials -- I've not only been bilked before many times in the past, but I've have and have had many friends who have been professional criminals of various stripes before.

I stand by what I said. I can't see any way an honest person would behave along these lines. I've heard the "this is the worst [...]" several times before -- always from con artists. $20 is far more than an honest person would ask to borrow from a total stranger without a detailed explanation. And borrowing the blender without returning the cash is not something honest people would even THINK of doing.

There is a good chance they are criminals or con-artists.

And trust me, I'm not some curmudgeon. My next door neighbor is, well, a colourful character (including a long stint in jail) and he owes me a lot of money I know I'll never see -- but he really is a hard luck case (in the two years I've been there, his mother and brother who lived there have died of cancer, he's been in an industrial accident, his dog died, his other dog needed an amputation, it's like a movie!). And, well, he isn't TOTALLY honest :-D but he's not a con artist.

She should be careful. Baltimore is a colourful :-) town, I've been there many times. Her instinct is telling her something is wrong -- she should listen to it.


I'm curious to read the resolution of this one.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 6:36 PM on January 2, 2007

Yay! The blender's back! We can all sleep a little easier, tonight. *whew!*
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:46 PM on January 2, 2007

This is not acceptable behavior? I'll stop then. No wonder my neighbors avoid me.
posted by The Deej at 9:35 PM on January 2, 2007

And I want my blender back!!!!!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:20 PM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

:: Returns ThePinkSuperhero's Bass-O-Matic '76 ::
posted by The Deej at 6:05 AM on January 3, 2007

Yeah: I, too stand by my answer. The question was not about persons the poster knew. Strangers asking strangers for money and valuables are behaving inappropriately.

My response was not only appropriate, it was relevant to the question. By concentrating on how these people are thinking of the poster (hey look, a sucker!) it makes it easier to say no to them. She followed my/our advice and got her blender back, and learned a valuable lesson in assertiveness as well.

So Hermitosis can suck it.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 10:56 AM on January 3, 2007

I wonder if her borrowing neighbors read MeFi, if they do, I'm sure they're mortified at having their intentions so grossly misintrepreted.
posted by milovoo at 12:34 PM on January 5, 2007

You say that now, milovoo, but your tune will change when user 2neighbors joins, posts a few throwaway comments in transliterated Korean, and then drops a link to "buythisblender.com" on the front page.
posted by cortex at 12:50 PM on January 5, 2007