Slapping someone in the face a bit too much ...

> And I stand by my response. That guy comes across as a fucking wanker. He's not getting laid as much as he wants precisely because he comes across as a fucking wanker. Thus, in order to resolve his problem, he needs to be made to understand that he comes across as a fucking wanker.

Yes. And telling people they are fucking wankers has, traditionally, made them very open to criticism and change. History proves that. Hitler made peace with Churchill after Churchill called him a fuckhead because Hitler then said, "You know what? I am a fuckhead." All it took was caling him a fuckhead to avert a world war.

My position is that the guy is coming into the thread and he's saying, "Hey, you know what? Something's off. [descriptive material] I'd like your guys' advice as to what you think it is; what needs fixin'?"

And most of the rest of the thread is the Mefite equivalent of "OMG OMG OMG ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE!!! U R DE SUXX0RS!!!".
posted by WCityMike at 2:22 PM on December 18, 2007 [6 favorites]

That guy comes across as a fucking wanker.

But he has a fedora AND an accent!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:22 PM on December 18, 2007 [8 favorites]

Beat to it by mullac (we need a word for these questions).
posted by drezdn at 2:23 PM on December 18, 2007

Ah, shit, Godwin's law.
posted by WCityMike at 2:23 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

The question should be deleted because the guy is too busy rehearsing his next sex ad and preening his feathers to get to the bones of what he wants to know. If his frivolous prose brings out the same in the people answering the questions - tough.
posted by fire&wings at 2:24 PM on December 18, 2007

Dammit, I hate when an offensive comment is deleted before I've had the opportunity to pass judgment.
posted by desjardins at 2:24 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

He seems nice to me, you are jealous of his big fedora. dersins, go eat some cake or something.
posted by jessamyn at 2:25 PM on December 18, 2007 [11 favorites]

And I stand by my response.

So you dig in your heels here but you don't understand why he would do the same in regards to the attack you made on him?
posted by vacapinta at 2:25 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

mullac FTW
posted by pinto at 2:26 PM on December 18, 2007

I'm glad this got MeTa'ed so I can point out how beautifully appropriate it is that the poster used the 'hilarious' tag. Makes me a bit suspicious that he might've had some idea of what was coming.
posted by contraption at 2:26 PM on December 18, 2007

Pinstripes, a fedora, a fake British accent...

...could anonymous be Madonna?
posted by kittens for breakfast at 2:26 PM on December 18, 2007 [14 favorites]

I think it's interesting to note that almost all the comments that knock him down a peg say things like "you sound like a asshole/wanker/meathead/dumbass" or "you come off like a asshole/wanker/meathead/dumbass", and NOT that he "IS an asshole/wanker/meathead/dumbass". It's an important distinction because I think we all can see the sad clueless boy part, being misperceived by others as something greater* (and, if left to fester, will become that**).

My point is, I think a lot of the advice is dead-on, and not as harsh as it sounds at first pass. I hope anonymous has the same takeaway.

*And by "greater", I mean "not great at all".
**Currently being circumvented by a collective noooooooo as we all are trying to prevent a future trainwreck.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:29 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

Was it the clever personal ad that won you over, jessamyn?
posted by box at 2:30 PM on December 18, 2007

When someone's worldview needs massive adjustment, yes, a degree of shock verbiage may be needed to get them to "wake up." However, if, while living in that skewed worldview, they're still prescient enough to detect that something is wrong with the worldview they're immersed in, they deserve a measure of credit for that.

In other words, if you've got a few fucked-up ideas, if you realize that something fucked up is going on, you get a little karma in the bank for that.

Enough for people to actually try to help him and not tell him repeatedly what a fuckhead he is.
posted by WCityMike at 2:30 PM on December 18, 2007

Dammit, I hate when an offensive comment is deleted before I've had the opportunity to pass judgment.

Judge away:

"Wow, what a fucking trainwreck. No, not the question. You. The guy who posted it. You're like the incredibly tone-deaf guy who's convinced he's Barry White and sings in public at the drop of a hat.

You clearly just don't get it, but that doesn't stop you from trying, does it? I hope, after the responses that you've gotten in this thread, you understand now why you've been relatively unsuccessful in your efforts: you come across as deeply self-centered, arrogant, and, frankly, a bore.

Blah blah my accent. Blah blah my fedora. Blah blah I am attractive.

No, you're not.

People like an opportunity to talk about themselves. And, despite what you appear to believe, women are actual people, not merely handy sheathes for your poniard. So try asking a fucking question once in your life instead of droning on about yourself.
posted by dersins at 2:03 PM on December 18 [1 favorite +] [!]"

I still stand by it. The tone may be abrasive, but it is useful advice. Now I am going to eat some cake.
posted by dersins at 2:31 PM on December 18, 2007 [16 favorites]

Somehow I think this is the only kind of question/attitude that deserves and even requires a verbal beatdown from the multitudes.

What's wrong with geeks, nothing. What's wrong with disingenuous shmucks "posing" as geeks... well, a whole lot.
posted by shownomercy at 2:33 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

handy sheathes for your poniard has a nice heft to it, all else aside.
posted by cortex at 2:34 PM on December 18, 2007 [5 favorites]

you are jealous of his big fedora

Fedora size doesn't matter.
posted by The World Famous at 2:34 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

The two CL posts were posted on the same day (last Sunday) at 9:19 PM and 9:22 PM. Either they're genuine and he prepared them in advance, or they're fake and were prepared as bait (if they were bait, you think he would have spaced it out a week, or at least a day or two). But two piece of prose that lengthy and cogent (they are readable and a little funny) is pretty unlikely.

Good call contraption though, I didn't see the hilarious tag. I think this is probably a hoax, but if it is, the characterization is awesome. I mean, I know I've met guys like that before. If I'd become more of a wag before I acquiring the social grace to realize that I'd just look like a total sod, I could have been that guy.

Also, mullacc, that's brilliant.
posted by Nelsormensch at 2:35 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

My social algorithms are cribbed from something a little more polysyllabic than Jugs and Barely Legal

Well, he's clearly never going to party with Klangklangston.
posted by drezdn at 2:35 PM on December 18, 2007

You think knowledge is an aphrodesiac, like powdered rhino horn meets sun-kissed strawberry. You probably own a t-shirt that says, 'Librarians do it in the stacks.'

Except for the typo, yes.

He sounds nice. He's getting laid. He's not butt-ugly. He likes himself. He's employed. He knows polysyllabic words. So he sounds pretentious, at least he has a sense of humor.

I guess it depends what your goals are in life, but this just seems to be playa hatin' to me.
posted by jessamyn at 2:36 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

> handy sheathes for your poniard has a nice heft to it, all else aside.

Yeah, I thought it was an asshole thing to say, but that particular line I did admire for its poetry. You gotta appreciate craftsmanship even if you have problems with the message ...
posted by WCityMike at 2:36 PM on December 18, 2007

Oh good, a complainy MeTa thread.

1) If he had said "Hi, I'm geeky and kind of a dork in general and girls make me nervous, but I'd really like to date someone great, what do I do????" I would have given kindly, older-sister type advice about trying to relax and realizing that girls are nervous just like he is, etc.

But. The kid isn't asking "How do I find a girlfriend to date?", he's asking "I'm awesome, why aren't girls I just met letting me fuck them?"

It's just silly to insist that people are being mean by pointing out that, in general, human males do not get to stroll into their nearest 7/11 and go "...LADIES..." and that's that.

2) Do these questions really have to send the batsignal to the 'OMG I READ THIS AWESUM E-BOOK ON SEDUCTION!!!' crowd? Ick.

On preview: YAY, "handy sheathes for your poniard" has been rescued from oblivion! I really enjoyed that.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2007 [14 favorites]

dersins, I'll give it an 8. "Sheathes" is a misspelling, and you made me look up "poniard."
posted by desjardins at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2007

So try asking a fucking question once in your life instead of droning on about yourself.

Dear AskMe: I was going to ask for advice on meeting like-minded women, but I've been advised that I shouldn't talk so much about myself, so I can't tell you what I'm like. What are YOU like? TIA
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:38 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

Also, when I first came across the question, it really came across as a "I have a 12 inch penis, my wife is a former playmate, I have a career that pays 6 figures but only involves an hour of work. Is my life too awesome?"

Actually, there was a question a while back that was essentially just that. I don't remember the exactly problem he was trying to solve but he was basically a millionaire cowboy astronaut with a super model wife. I'm pretty sure those people only exist on the internet though.
posted by puke & cry at 2:39 PM on December 18, 2007

Is being a giant dork really so reprehensible? Ugh, you guys.

No, it's not reprehensible. But it helps explain why he's not getting the carefree sex he seems to crave so desparately -- which, after all, was the subject of his question.
posted by pardonyou? at 2:40 PM on December 18, 2007

There's some weird male fantasy that involves being able to charm, seduce or otherwise do some sort of magic on any female on the street and have sex with them. That a charming Frank Sinatra character, overcoat slinged over his back would stand next to a woman on the street, light a cigarette and smoothly utter, "Hey blondie, it is too cold for someone as beautiful as you to be out on the street. How about we get a cup of coffee?" And of course she would swoon and be incredibly intoxicated. To see how widespread this is, look up Mystery, the pickup artist that is very similar to our friend here .... right down to the odd manners of dress and language to "spark an interest," in a girl.

So I beg you, women of the world, please save us from ourselves. "What is Casual Sex and What it is Not, by Women," it could be given out when men turn 18 or when they think things like going to yoga class are a good way to pick up a casual sex partner. It could discuss how casual sex means such things as, being friends at the office and having a one-night stand after a hard day and a night at the bars. Or it could be that neighbor you talk to when you get the mail. You have coffee once or twice, realize that there's no romantic interest but inertia pushes you to a good quickie in the afternoon when you both have the day off. That is casual sex, it is not going up to a woman in a subway and putting the moves on her so she'll chase you back to your apartment. It is certainly not wearing a costume and pretending to be an aristocratic brogue from the 19th century.
posted by geoff. at 2:42 PM on December 18, 2007 [27 favorites]

hey guys, look at my gold card.. look, look! Guys?...... Guys?

Yeah, I know people like this. If they had a few years of therapy they would be pretty fucking great, not so much nowadays.

That, or this AskMe is a joke.
posted by edgeways at 2:43 PM on December 18, 2007

> It's just silly to insist that people are being mean by pointing out that, in general, human males do not get to stroll into their nearest 7/11 and go "...LADIES..." and that's that.

Note that I didn't say in the top of the MeTa that he shouldn't be verbally slapped around a little bit. I was saying that a few slaps are good, but going verbal George Foreman on him is more likely to make him stick to his guns than he is to change.
posted by WCityMike at 2:44 PM on December 18, 2007

pardonyou?
Yeah it sure does, and I told him go take a larp. What's your point? That he needs to be told about what a dork he is? That that's the needed advice? Doubtful.

Also, who cares what kind of hat someone wears, fedora, beret, newsboy, trucker, as long as they take it off indoors.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:46 PM on December 18, 2007

"What is Casual Sex and What it is Not, by Women,"

you must be this hot ________________________

to ride this ride.

posted by jessamyn at 2:47 PM on December 18, 2007 [19 favorites]

I think I have narrowed down who anonymous is. It's either:

http://www.metafilter.com/user/douchebag
or
http://www.metafilter.com/user/YHBT

I can't figure it out past that, though.
posted by dios at 2:47 PM on December 18, 2007

Also, who cares what kind of hat someone wears, fedora, beret, newsboy, trucker, as long as they take it off indoors.

Also, outdoors.
posted by dersins at 2:48 PM on December 18, 2007 [5 favorites]

*strolls in*

...LADIES...

*waits for the awesome casual sex*
posted by turaho at 2:48 PM on December 18, 2007 [5 favorites]

Good god. That was the most awful AskMe I've read in a long time, it seriously made me feel gross. He does come off like a total douchebag and I honestly hope I never meet him or anyone like him in the subway (again).
posted by agregoli at 2:48 PM on December 18, 2007

but going verbal George Foreman on him is more likely to make him stick to his guns

Stick to his guns, perhaps, but not to the handy George Foreman nonstick grill!

Besides, I personally think the OP would be a little more attractive as a sandwich, possibly layered with some bacon and avocado.

on preview: *flings self at turaho*
posted by scody at 2:50 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

I was saying that a few slaps are good, but going verbal George Foreman on him is more likely to make him stick to his guns than he is to change.

I disagree. If EVERYONE tells you that you're coming off jerky, and you ignore all that advice and say, ah, forget them, I'm actually suave, then I'm afraid the problem lies with you.
posted by agregoli at 2:51 PM on December 18, 2007

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life."--P.J. O'Rourke
posted by box at 2:53 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I just showed up because Jessamyn said in that other thread I could tell people they suck over here. Finally, I know where to go now!
posted by Skot at 2:54 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is being a giant dork really so reprehensible? Ugh, you guys.

It's because we're all giant dorks, too -- it's like back in the good old days, when there would be a bunch of pariah dogs circling out at the edge of the campfire light, and then one of them gets injured and the others jump on it and tear it apart and all that's left in the morning is a bloodstained fedora.

We've all known this guy, and way too many of us have to some extent been this guy. (I do think, though, that if it is a big hoax, it would be only fair to unmask the hoaxer, and change their user name to "12 Inch Fedora.")
posted by Forktine at 2:55 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

He's obviously this guy.
posted by jbickers at 2:55 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

The lulz are strong with this one.
posted by grouse at 2:58 PM on December 18, 2007

Here's my apparently delete-worthy comment:

Axis II

Ditch the fedora. People hate bullshit, especially contrived pretentious bullshit.

SILENCED ALL MY LIFE indeed
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 3:01 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

If his frivolous prose brings out the same in the people answering the questions - tough.

Yeah, tough for them. They should get a timeout if they can't keep their vitriol to themselves. That's not what AskMe is for: read the notice at the bottom. And what the hell is wrong with fedoras?

Also, prumphænsn!
posted by languagehat at 3:05 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Hi Metafilter,

I just got out of a year long relationship (God, imagine that! A year! I suppose being too committed is one of my quirks!) because of how awesome I am, and I'd like to go bang a lot of chicks without having to do anything arduous like talk to them overly much or get to know them. I'm told I'm attractive, chicks dig me. Is that a good thing? I dress like a gangster, but with that signature flair that says "I know whether or not what I'm wearing is hipster passe or avant hipster but you'll have to wonder for yourself because I'm. Not. Telling." and I'm the kind of guy who's really rather witty and charming. My principle problem is that I don't really know how to let hot bitches know just how endearingly charming I really am without also letting them know how sensitive and commitment minded I am because (just for now!) I'm commitment-ed OUT what with the whopping year I just spent reminding someone daily of just how lucky they were to date me. Clearly I'm an outgoing sort because I've walked up to literally hundreds of women on the street and asked them out in ways that made them smile even while they rejected me for some wholly indiscernible reason. But all that mind-boggling rejection has left my sensitive heart feeling a tad wounded and I think I need some dirty meaningless fucking to mend the rift in my already modest ego.

Startlingly, the internet has completely failed to get me pussy! Here are some ads I posted (that you can respond to!!! wink wink.) that have done nothing for my prodigious libido. So I've come here to present my humble petition to those of a sensitive disposition and variable moral rectitude for advice. How on earth can a handsome, intelligent, adorably eccentric and sexually outstanding young man in an outdated hat get him some fuck time.

Answers I will accept are as follows:

1. Hey! I think you're pretty great! Here's my email address! Write me, tiger!
2. Just do your thang, man. You're like sexual honey to a hive of sexy bees. You'll get some in no time!
3. Love the hat. Do me.
4. I just responded to your craigslist ad! Fuck me!
5. Go to [bar x], where the girls are loose and love quirky guys!

Sincerely,

Far Too Adorably Shy to Possibly Post as Anything Other Than Anonymous
posted by shmegegge at 3:06 PM on December 18, 2007 [62 favorites]

We've all known this guy, and way too many of us have to some extent been this guy.

As I understand it, this guy claims to be a coo-worthy peripatetic hedonist who walks around in pin stripes and a fedora and walks up to random females and asks them to have sex with a faux. And he claims they usually smile to that shit. He also apparently goes to sex parties bumps uglies with something called a "fetish model."

No. I've never known that guy. And I certainly have never been him to any extent.
posted by dios at 3:07 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

And what the hell is wrong with fedoras?

Nothing, so long as your name is Frank, Indiana, or Humphrey.
posted by The World Famous at 3:08 PM on December 18, 2007 [10 favorites]

dersins wrote: And, despite what you appear to believe, women are actual people, not merely handy sheathes for your poniard.

Perceptions of arrogance, etc., aside... Where do you get the impression that he thinks women are bipedal cock scabbards and not people? There's a few turns of phrase in there that strike me as a bit icky (I never liked bed as a verb), but I don't see anything in there that's intrinsically dehumanizing to women. In fact, he says: I also enjoy treating people like human beings.

Casual sex isn't dehumanizing or objectifying in and of itself.
posted by CKmtl at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

And what the hell is wrong with fedoras?

On 24-year-olds? Everything.
posted by dersins at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

* faux accent
posted by dios at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2007

This guy kind of reminds me of a few people I know. At least one is a serial pick-up artist and swinger, and the other is bipolar and is about this intense half the time, and spends the other half way down on himself.

I opted to not post in the thread since "Find other people with complimentary psychoses" isn't usually complimentary. Don't get me wrong, some people just live their lives like this, and the volume knob really is turned up to 11 all the time. I wish him luck, since even beyond the limits of geography, I am nearly certain we'd be interested in a completely different dating pool.
posted by mikeh at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2007

And what the hell is wrong with fedoras?

On 24-year-olds? Everything.

FAIL, YOU LOSE.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:11 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

As I understand it, this guy claims to be a coo-worthy peripatetic hedonist who walks around in pin stripes and a fedora and walks up to random females and asks them to have sex with a faux. And he claims they usually smile to that shit. He also apparently goes to sex parties bumps uglies with something called a "fetish model."

No. I've never known that guy. And I certainly have never been him to any extent.

I mostly meant "clueless and socially inept," which is a brush broad enough to tar a lot of people including myself.

And my friend in college (who wore a fedora, lacked an accent, but was otherwise mostly like this guy, but with good social skills) got lots of casual sex action -- there is plenty of market for cheese. Just not weirdo creepy cheese.
posted by Forktine at 3:12 PM on December 18, 2007

And what the hell is wrong with fedoras?

On 24-year-olds? Everything.

FAIL, YOU LOSE.

No no. Fedoras on 24 year olds are vain and desperate calls for attention. They're what that shitbag Mystery calls Peacocking or whatever the fuck it is. They're props and they're obnoxious. He might as well walk around in a tux all the time, or better yet a 19th century barrister's uniform.
posted by shmegegge at 3:14 PM on December 18, 2007 [13 favorites]

So I've come here to present my humble petition to those of a sensitive disposition and variable moral rectitude for advice.

Humble, sensitive rectitude seeks hipster who's not afraid to wear a hat indoors. If you know what I mean.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:14 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

So fedoras are right out, eh?

How about the old eyepatch and monocle set? That's still hip, right?

You grownups and your miserable propriety of dress. Conformity isn't the answer, and this guy's dress isn't a problem. He shouldn't have couched his self-description in such precious terms, though, I grant that. IONe does not go around saying "Nice to meet you, I have a cloak, five corsets, etc. etc. in my wardrobe."
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:15 PM on December 18, 2007

Happy Birthday dersins.
posted by nola at 3:16 PM on December 18, 2007

"One"

Gotta get that dialing wand...
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:16 PM on December 18, 2007

I'm really quite creepy:

*rereads question*

*notes: born in America, sports pseudo-Euro accent, fedora, dances, and has wacky stories*

Yes. Yes you are.
posted by quin at 3:16 PM on December 18, 2007

You are all wrong about fedoras, and I have proof. Say anything else about it, and I swear to heaven, it won't be Santa coming down your chimney on Christmas Eve. I have ways.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:18 PM on December 18, 2007 [9 favorites]

dios: ... walks up to random females and asks them to have sex with a faux.

No, he says he walks up to "women on subways and city streets (mostly in NYC) to tell them them they're gorgeous, and ask them out on the spot" and "it's never proceeded past a coffee even if they're single".

He's asking them out. Probably for coffee. He hopes it'll lead to sex, but it hasn't. This isn't the same as saying "Hey, nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
posted by CKmtl at 3:18 PM on December 18, 2007

My favorite and only librarian-related t-shirt reads:

"Check out a librarian: they're good for circulation!"

It's got a picture of a cat reading a book on it.

Double-punetration is pretty much the most radicalist thing ever.
posted by fishfucker at 3:19 PM on December 18, 2007

much as I love being put in the position of criticizing your beau or agreeing with you, I'll say this: People can wear whatever the fuck they want in vegas. It doesn't count, there. If someone dresses like that going to buy groceries or get drinks at at dive bar it's silly, unless they're getting on in years in which case it's awesome.
posted by shmegegge at 3:20 PM on December 18, 2007

::croons:: I'm making a list, and checking it twice, if you don't think fedoras are nice, TPS is coming to town....
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:22 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

ok ok, fedoras are sexy.
posted by shmegegge at 3:23 PM on December 18, 2007

I love Fedoras, I just have the sense to know I don't look right in one.
posted by nola at 3:24 PM on December 18, 2007

Afraid I'm with TPS on this one. Of course, I sometimes wear a fedora, myself. Although, I suppose I'm more in shmegegge's "getting on in years" category, and I'm afraid I had to stop riding bicycles altogether to accomodate my enormous... vocabulary.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:26 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

ambrosia voyeur, i'm of the belief that people can wear whatever the fuck they want but this guy is looking to score and it sounds like the pinstripes and the fedora aren't doing him any favors (not that they are his only problems here…). if he can wear the fedora and pinstripes and get away with it, ups to him but if he can't wear the shit out of it and he tries to pick up on me, talking like he writes, i'm gonna think he's a creepy piece of cheese.
posted by violetk at 3:26 PM on December 18, 2007

I think Mulder and Scully should have worn those, so that whenever they kicked down a door they could rush in with their guns out and yell, "Freeze!

"Fedora agents!"
posted by cortex at 3:26 PM on December 18, 2007 [10 favorites]

Fedoras really worked for Duran Duran, I'm just sayin'.
posted by tristeza at 3:26 PM on December 18, 2007

ThePinkSuperhero : You are all wrong about fedoras, and I have proof.

I think you misunderstand, there is nothing wrong with fedoras in and of themselves, it's just that like samurai swords, they tend to attract a specific kind of person. And while both katanas and fedoras have a long and rich history and are prized by collectors and aficionados alike, the kind of person that naturally gravitates to them is exactly the kind of person that should never be seen in public with one.

For the record, I have both. And I am that one in a million long shot that can pull either (or both) off and still look awesome.

I think this somehow means that I'm a highlander now.
posted by quin at 3:27 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

So Stynx is the OP? Damn, I thought I knew the guy.
posted by mullacc at 3:27 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's not the hat - it's the person underneath it. I can't believe you idiots are arguing over whether an inanimate object is sexy or not.
posted by oh pollo! at 3:28 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

Death of the Hat
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 3:28 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

cortex: ugh
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:29 PM on December 18, 2007

I have proof

OMG stynxno posted that question?
posted by dersins at 3:30 PM on December 18, 2007

I'd like it if everyone quit arguing about the fedora and started arguing about whether it's a hoax.
posted by box at 3:31 PM on December 18, 2007

Yeah, well I'd like it if everyone quit arguing about the fedora and started favoriting my awesome and hysterically funny paraphrasing of the dude's question up above, but we can't always get what we want because it's not christmas until TPS kills you.
posted by shmegegge at 3:33 PM on December 18, 2007 [5 favorites]

You are all wrong about fedoras, and I have proof.

Still not convinced. I'm with everyone on the "ditch the fedora" campaign. They're like instant sex appeal killers.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:34 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm with everyone on the "ditch the fedora" campaign. They're like instant sex appeal killers.

My wife begs to differ.
posted by languagehat at 3:37 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yeah, well I'd like it if everyone quit arguing about the fedora and started favoriting my awesome and hysterically funny paraphrasing of the dude's question up above

Done before you even posted that comment. But I'm the only one :|.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:38 PM on December 18, 2007

that's just not fair. It's like someone saying "I think Chess is boring" and Bobby fucking Fisher comes in and says "I beg to differ."
posted by shmegegge at 3:38 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

cortex: ugh

is the sound that the mother makes when the baby breaks, yes.

When I was typing that out, it reminded me—I've been replaying Deus Ex for the first time in years, and man is the voice acting in the Hong Kong segment bad. Just this horrific mushmouthed I'ra Speaky English Inner Chinee Assent thing going on, and pretty much all of the incidental characters must have been done by the same one or two voice actors. 'Fedora agess!' is exactly what it'd sound like, if that line was in the game.

Related, but more plainly hilarious: whoever did the voice acting for most of the UNATCO guardsmen sounds a lot like Stormy from Sealab 2021. I keep expecting them to blow things up just for the fun of it or whatever.
posted by cortex at 3:40 PM on December 18, 2007

shmegegge is MeTa's own Horatio W. Hoo Doo.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:42 PM on December 18, 2007

He might as well walk around in a tux all the time, or better yet a 19th century barrister's uniform.

Dude, I'm straight as Bill Clinton and I'd fuck that.

Only if he'd let me call him Blackadder
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:43 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

So, this dude goes, "Hey gang, This is me! This is what I'm about! This is how I do things! Your opinion please?" And people give him their honest opinions and are like "Wow, are you an unbelievable douche!" I see nothing wrong with this scenario. He asked for it, he got it. Comparing him and us to Hitler and Churchill: come on now.

As far as I'm concerned he got responses equal in bravado to that with which the question was posed.
posted by sneakin at 3:46 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

Only if he'd let me call him Blackadder

Close, but no cigar. His name is Ackbladder.
posted by The World Famous at 3:47 PM on December 18, 2007

Ah, MetaFilter. You just don't get it, do you? Judging from the post, one only has to deduce that the Goons on Somethingawful are getting back at us for all the times an FPP in the blue linked to their forums. Rather than dispense the usual epithets and taunts, they skillfully orchestrated an elaborate prank worthy of Ricky Skaggs himself.

And we fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

It's the only plausible explanation. The other option would involve all the 14-year-olds on Xbox Live pooling together five bucks for an account, so they could troll us beyond their usual fashion. However amusing, I can't see that happening.

Face it, we angered the forces behind one of the shadowy corners of the Tubes, and they've sprung their trap with little effort.
posted by Smart Dalek at 3:49 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

Phone conversation I just had:

Me: "Yeah, I've been reading stuff on the Web. Some people on Metafilter are arguing over whether this guy who wears a fedora is a dork."

Girlfriend: "He's a dork. When I was thirteen, I went through a period of wearing a fedora, and I was a dork. It was a little too big for me, because it was my father's fedora. And you know what? My father was a dork."
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 3:49 PM on December 18, 2007 [15 favorites]

But what few sex parties I've attended have always been fascinating and hilarious, even though nine times out of ten I ended up reading books (I come prepared) or dancing.

Sex parties. Fascinating and hilarious. But he read books AND danced!
posted by wafaa at 3:49 PM on December 18, 2007 [5 favorites]

Seems like the ground has pretty well been covered.

But I would say people are getting mad because there are a lot of folks here who value intelligence and learning for their own sake. And here's a guy using his alleged intellect like a high-schooler sophomore uses a 12 pack of Bush Light and being on the football team, except with slightly less subtlety.

Also, sorry jessamyn, but describing this kind of person as "nice" is the thing that will baffle men about women until the end of time. Assuming he is real, he absolutely positively makes it clear he cares about nothing but getting laid. He manages to be incredibly disingenuous and incredibly obvious at the same time. He tries to take on the role of underdog while simultaneously bragging about his superiority. It's like Bill Gates applying for welfare. That's why pretty much every guy here wants to slap him around, verbally if not physically.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:50 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

Fedora good. Fedora bad¹.

¹What I imagine OP looks like.
posted by null terminated at 3:51 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

The World Famous: Or, alternatively, cheers on having crafted two humorous fake craigslist ads and one thought-provoking hoax of an AskMe thread.

T'was my initial reaction ... and remains so.
posted by ericb at 3:51 PM on December 18, 2007

"You look like you ride a Honda Goldwing and collect swords."
posted by neustile at 3:54 PM on December 18, 2007 [13 favorites]

Can we please have a metafilter site where metafilter dorks can arrange casual sex with other metafilter dorks?

Then we could make fun of questions like this more often.
posted by medusa at 3:54 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

It's the "natural accent" thing that gets me. I have known this type before. They usually cut their teeth on Tolkien, Dungeons and Dragons, and Monty Python, and no matter where they are from --- they might as well be from a West Virginia coal-mining town --- they begin to style themselves as an Edwardian boulevardier almost as soon as they get to college.

Although I think the poster is probably a very nice guy, he really does need to be told how repulsive people like him come across to others.
posted by jayder at 3:56 PM on December 18, 2007

I'd hat it.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:57 PM on December 18, 2007 [5 favorites]

Ah, shit, Godwin's law.

I would like to propose Mottram's Law: As an Ask Metafilter discussion grows longer, the probability of a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome approaches one.

Every sodding thread I see, someone suggests that.
posted by jack_mo at 3:59 PM on December 18, 2007 [30 favorites]

> And what the hell is wrong with fedoras?
>
> On 24-year-olds? Everything.
>
> FAIL, YOU LOSE.
> posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:11 PM on December 18 [+] [!]

Everything under the fedora?
posted by jfuller at 4:00 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Isn't Justin Timberlake known for this?

Wait...with his touring, he's peripatetic...he tears up the dance floor...surely he has trouble with women...

We have a new MeFi's Own!
posted by Durin's Bane at 4:02 PM on December 18, 2007

Does it change anyone's opinion that what he's looking for are casual sex shenanigans? Not just casual sex per se.
posted by salvia at 4:03 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Fedoras are mostly pretentious but there's a time and place for them. The question feels like a hoax; the craigslist ads feel like they're calculated to make me want to puke and they were posted minutes apart. But if it isn't, well...they make me want to puke to the degree that I worry about anyone who doesn't feel so moved. But then I don't have the target body parts, so, (with apologies to cortex for stealing his idiom) hey.
posted by Kwine at 4:04 PM on December 18, 2007

also:

oceanography in the Pacific Ocean
That sounds like it was written by Ralph Wiggum.

This wanderlust is the bee's knees
And now grandpa Simpson.

He's an offensively poorl writer.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:04 PM on December 18, 2007

"poor." haha.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:04 PM on December 18, 2007

This guy kind of reminds me of a few people I know. At least one is a serial pick-up artist and swinger, and the other is bipolar and is about this intense half the time, and spends the other half way down on himself.

I too knew this guy, right down to the fedora -- he also probably owns a lot of Bettie Page memorabilia, a shelf of beat novels he's mostly never read, and the Tom Waits catalog. Mommy never loved him. It's very, very sad.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:05 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

He might as well walk around in a tux all the time, or better yet a 19th century barrister's uniform.

If a guy walked in wearing a barrister's wig and saying "...LADIES...", I would definitely talk to him.

A fedora, no. (Unless he was a silver-fox fictional archaeologist, or a 1930s rumrunner on the lam.)
posted by thehmsbeagle at 4:08 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

Bravo to anyone who owns "On the Road" and has never read it. That's really the way to go with that book.

I can't manage small talk for the life of me, don't match any standard of hip (no drugs, infinitely obscure interests), and regularly provoke comments about my 'intensity.'

I bet he also tells job interviewers he "works too hard."
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:09 PM on December 18, 2007

mullac wrote:
> That was the AskMe version of "My penis is so big that it's
> uncomfortable to ride a bicycle. What other problems will
> my big penis and I encounter?"

drezdn wrote:
> Beat to it by mullac (we need a word for these questions).

In Australia, that would be known as a Dorothy Dixer. Although in this case, Dorothy Dicks would be more appropriate.
posted by tim_in_oz at 4:09 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

the craigslist ads feel like they're calculated to make me want to puke and they were posted minutes apart.

More to the point, they were posted hundreds of miles apart, in the San Diego Craigslist and the San Francisco Craigslist.

He's willing to grab his fedora and his pinstripe and drive anywhere in California for some pussy. He's that desperate.
posted by jayder at 4:12 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well, he's clearly never going to party with Klangklangston.

And ironically, knowing what klang does for a living, partying with klang might bring anonymous into contact with exactly the audience of casual hookup girls he's looking for.

hey wait, so why don't I hang out with klang?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:13 PM on December 18, 2007

He's willing to grab his fedora and his pinstripe and drive anywhere in California for some pussy.

well, he is peripatetic…
posted by violetk at 4:13 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

So straight you eat your hot dogs from the middle?
posted by SteveTheRed at 4:15 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

He's willing to grab his fedora and his pinstripe and drive anywhere in California for some pussy.

It's oddly formal attire when trolling for casual pussy.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:16 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

(last comment in response to robocop is bleeding, way up above) Bad Steve! Use Preview!
posted by SteveTheRed at 4:18 PM on December 18, 2007

he also probably owns [...] the Tom Waits catalog.

Probably just Rain Dogs. [NOT RAIN DOGS-IST!]
posted by scody at 4:20 PM on December 18, 2007

Only if he'd let me call him Blackadder

Close, but no cigar. His name is Ackbladder.
posted by The World Famous at 6:47 PM on December 18 [+] [!]

Put on your pinstripes and take me right now.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:24 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Put on your pinstripes and take me right now.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:24 PM on December 18 [+] [!]

You know, robocop, I'm told he has a very good line in rough shag.
posted by psmith at 4:27 PM on December 18, 2007

Insert "fedora" for panflute
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 4:28 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

It's the "natural accent" thing that makes me think this is a hoax. It pushes buttons and ratchets up the irritating persona scale, but people with fake accents steadfastly pretend they don't know they have them.
posted by yarrow at 4:34 PM on December 18, 2007

*puts on pinstripes and wizard fedora*
posted by The World Famous at 4:34 PM on December 18, 2007 [9 favorites]

Gah. He should be banned just for "God's soylent green earth." And in a personal ad, no less.
posted by koeselitz at 4:36 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Did you know...a DORK is a whale penis?
I recently learned this fact, and it stares me in the face whenever I see someone using dork to mean socially-awkward.
that is all.
posted by nomisxid at 4:38 PM on December 18, 2007

a DORK is a whale penis

No, it's not.
posted by dersins at 4:43 PM on December 18, 2007

Lore: I beg to differ.

I have a catalog of fedoras, and I am most certainly NOT a dork.
posted by absalom at 4:44 PM on December 18, 2007

Did you know...a DORK is a whale penis?

And a "dude" is an elephant's butt hair. Middle school was good times.
posted by Durin's Bane at 4:46 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I like my urban legends with pin-stripes!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:47 PM on December 18, 2007

Please pardon this interruption for an important message:

Everyone needs a hug.

Thank you, proceed...
posted by carsonb at 4:47 PM on December 18, 2007

I have a catalog of fedoras, and I am most certainly NOT a dork.

We're not starting that game again, are we?

Besides, it's not a "catalog of fedoras." It's a "boyband of fedoras."
posted by The World Famous at 4:52 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

A "Duran of fedoras," mayhaps?
posted by scody at 4:53 PM on December 18, 2007

Duran Duran of Fedoras
posted by Stynxno at 4:54 PM on December 18, 2007

Shrug, I don't care if it is languagehat, the fedora is too much.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:54 PM on December 18, 2007

I suspect that you guys might be the victim of a troll here, the only other plausible explanation is that all of humanity needs to be scrubbed from the face of the earth. I'm down for whatever. I like the phrase "natural accent" though, it's perfectly obnoxious. Stynxno is the rare youngish dude who rocks a fedora in an handsome way, but if your man wore it daily, instead of on a special dressup occasion, he would go from the charming punkrock scamp of mefi to the dungeon master you sprint to avoid, charming as he is.
posted by Divine_Wino at 4:58 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

So, this dude goes, "Hey gang, This is me! This is what I'm about! This is how I do things! Your opinion please?" And people give him their honest opinions and are like "Wow, are you an unbelievable douche!" I see nothing wrong with this scenario. He asked for it, he got it.

Except he isn't coming for validation, he's coming for advice.
posted by BigSky at 4:58 PM on December 18, 2007

I betcha he scores based on this.
posted by jonmc at 4:59 PM on December 18, 2007

All this time, when imagining what a language hat looks like, I have been imagining a fez with letters of the alphabet all over it, kind of like a Matthew Lesko/Shriner thing, but with letters instead of question marks. Knowing that it is actually a fedora is really messing up my worldview. Is it like Indiana Jones, swinging over treacherous pits of language? Humphrey Bogart delivering smoky monologues about linguistics?

Oh, and Adam Savage wears a fedora, so I suggest we not sling too much mud that way, lest he smite us by never, ever airing the conveyor belt airplane show.
posted by The World Famous at 5:02 PM on December 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

That show will never get off the ground.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:03 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

hahahahahahah fedora oh my god world's biggest douchebag
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:05 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

God damn it, schmegegge, you're not allowed to celebrate April Fool's Day in December. Thanks a million for granting my holiday wish, though.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:05 PM on December 18, 2007

Oh, and Adam Savage wears a fedora

when Johnny Ladykiller manages to get paid big bucks for blowing shit up on national TV then he can wear his precious hat
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:06 PM on December 18, 2007 [20 favorites]

I wanna say, if this is a hoax? The hoaxer is my new personal hero.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:07 PM on December 18, 2007

Between this post and the latest celeb gossip, today is totally LOL and I love everyone.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:09 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

OUTRAGE! THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!
posted by ersatz at 5:09 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

when Johnny Ladykiller manages to get paid big bucks for blowing shit up on national TV then he can wear his precious hat

*hits "favorite" a thousand times*
posted by scody at 5:10 PM on December 18, 2007

Well I'm a sucker for fedoras. I like old photos of NYC because all the men are wearing them. Men are 100% hotter in hats. Except, I suspect, pinstripe boy.

But I can't believe anyone took that post seriously. He brings books to sex parties? Puh-lease. It is not possible to be that lame.
posted by CunningLinguist at 5:11 PM on December 18, 2007

If this is a hoax, it's got to be a really mean, "I'll pose as an enemy of mine on an online forum and let the masses shred him to pieces, publicly!" hoax.

Because I have definitely known guys who were "that guy" down to the costume, mannerisms, phraseology, madonna accent, and everything else mentioned in this question.
posted by availablelight at 5:12 PM on December 18, 2007

He brings books to sex parties? Puh-lease. It is not possible to be that lame.

I suppose it would depend on the book. and of course whether he was going to read them or use them to spank somebody.
posted by jonmc at 5:15 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

He brings books to sex parties? Puh-lease. It is not possible to be that lame.

Oh, wow, on review, that kind of is a tip-off. But...who among us can honestly say they had the stomach to read that far? I'm not even sure I got through the first paragraph.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:17 PM on December 18, 2007

That was the AskMe version of "My penis is so big that it's uncomfortable to ride a bicycle. What other problems will my big penis and I encounter?"

Or the female version: "I'm so beautiful I can't juggle all the men in my life. Please recommend a software program that will track my social life".

Or one of my favorites (I'm paraphrasing an actual post): "I have such thick gorgeous hair. My boyfriend tells me I look like a porn star. People in the street stop me to tell me how pretty it is. Problem is, I can't find a ponytail holder that will keep it up. Help me, Metafilter!"
posted by Evangeline at 5:22 PM on December 18, 2007 [6 favorites]

Bearing in mind that I have considerable, if not infallible, superpowers: I do not believe this is a hoax, so maybe stop worrying about that side of things.
posted by cortex at 5:24 PM on December 18, 2007

I can't decide whether to be disappointed...
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:25 PM on December 18, 2007

"My social algorithms are cribbed from something a little more polysyllabic than Jugs and Barely Legal

Well, he's clearly never going to party with Klangklangston."

Au contraire, mon frere! I took that little bit to mean that he reads Hustler and Hustler Fantasies, which are both jam-packed with the polysyllabics. I mean, there's "fuckhole" and "meatstick" and "lovepit," all words I've had to type and consult a style guide over! (Also, it's "sapphic" when referencing lesbians, no caps).

Though hanging out with me is actually not a very good way to meet the pornorific, as I'm pretty removed (both by accident and design) from the models. Hanging out with me is better if your goal is to get drunk in cheap bars or to watch games from bleacher seats.

As to the OP—There's a guy on our block who keeps hitting on my girlfriend while he's walking his dog. The guy has, according to my girlfriend, a ludicrously affected Italian accent, despite being a white guy from Orange County. His claim to fame is that he was on The Big Bang Theory, which he mentions every time he sees my girlfriend.

She then comes home and mocks him mercilessly. I assume that Cap'n Fedora is roughly the same guy.
posted by klangklangston at 5:28 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

OMG LITTLE SPEARS IS PREGGERS AWESOME!
posted by klangklangston at 5:31 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

"meatstick" and "lovepit,"

Not to mention 'dirty onion ring.' All of these, incidnetally, are items on the appetizer menu of Thank God It's Fuckdays.
posted by jonmc at 5:31 PM on December 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

klang: that's LI'L SPEARS, y'all!

Is it evil that my first thought was "I bet K-Fed's the father of that one, too?"
posted by scody at 5:34 PM on December 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

Apparently Spearses breed in vapidity.
posted by jonmc at 5:36 PM on December 18, 2007

All of these, incidnetally, are items on the appetizer menu of Thank God It's Fuckdays.

Sweatermeat? Mayonnaise pen? Baby batter?
posted by Snyder at 5:38 PM on December 18, 2007

Heh. Per TMZ: "She tells the mag that the father is Casey Aldridge, who she has been dating for some time and first met at church."

Well, if not there, then no doubt at an abstinence-only sex "ed" class.

On preview:

Sweatermeat?

Is that like something you knit for a sausage?
posted by scody at 5:39 PM on December 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

shmeggege and TheWorldFamous made me spit my drinks at the screen. I prefer shmeggege's question to the real one and plan to use "a boy band of fedoras" at every opportunity.

I need more favorites for this thread.

Oh, and fedoras are fine. Pinstripe suits are fine. Pinstripes and fedoras together are only appropriate if you are Bid Bad Voodoo Daddy, a pimp, or a time traveler from the Roaring Twenties.
posted by misha at 5:43 PM on December 18, 2007

Is it evil that my first thought was "I bet K-Fed's the father of that one, too?"

POPOZAO POPOZAO!
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:43 PM on December 18, 2007

Did you know...a DORK is a whale penis?

And San Diego means "whale's vagina."
posted by dirigibleman at 5:43 PM on December 18, 2007

Bearing in mind that I have considerable, if not infallible, superpowers: I do not believe this is a hoax, so maybe stop worrying about that side of things.

Then God help us all.
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:46 PM on December 18, 2007

Did you know...a DORK is a whale penis?

It's true! It's scientifically proven. It's a known fact. (video, NSFW)
posted by jason's_planet at 5:53 PM on December 18, 2007

Knowing that it is actually a fedora is really messing up my worldview.

There is no "it." I got hooked on hats while hanging out in Ireland with an Oxford grad student who was both pretentious and a stone drunk; he had a trilby and a Panama, and would let me wear whichever he wasn't wearing, and I decided I needed hats. So when I got back to the States I began hanging out in hat stores; I started with a fedora (the US equivalent of a trilby), saved up for a Panama, and went on to Borsalinos, Greek sailor caps, you name it. (Partial list here; I really need to update it and add pictures.) These days I mostly wear Greek sailor caps when it's cold (a couple of them were gifts from naxosaxur—thanx, nax!) and baseball caps when it's hot, but I love my fedora and wear it on special occasions.
posted by languagehat at 6:02 PM on December 18, 2007

Slapping someone in the face a bit too much ... December 18, 2007 2:13 PM Subscribe

Slapping someone in the face a bit too much ...
December 18, 2007 2:13 PM Subscribe