Where can I post to find a non-responsive user?

February 3, 2006 1:35 AM

This AskMe thread, although well intentioned, broke the guidelines and was subsequently deleted. But its subject matter still deserves attention, I think, and so here it is, being posted again, where the question can hopefully achieve some good. Where is ethylene?
posted by Effigy2000 to MetaFilter-Related at 1:35 AM (62 comments total)

and, I think we have some new admins, perhaps in the UK, or maybe mathowie or jessamyn is up at this hour? although with a new sprog it can certainly be surmised as reasonable that matt would be up at this hour.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:37 AM on February 3, 2006

Man, there's some crazy shit in there - lots of references to water... some guy trouble... and she's either clearly drunk or episodal - although it's been going on for days.

That's pretty worrying stuff to read - does anybody know her personally? And, is there a pysche in the house that would care to take a gander at her posts?

I also can't believe that was deleted - WTF???
posted by strawberryviagra at 2:16 AM on February 3, 2006

I also can't believe that was deleted - WTF???

umm... it broke the guidelines, thus got deleted. What's the outrage about?
posted by slater at 2:38 AM on February 3, 2006

Damn and blast.

Be well, ethylene.
posted by loquacious at 2:45 AM on February 3, 2006

Be well, ethylene.
Indeed.
posted by peacay at 2:55 AM on February 3, 2006

First of all, three question marks is hardly 'outrage' - but I'll pay it if you've just woken from a sanctimonious meditative state.

In certain situations I think it's OK to break the rules (generally speaking) - and the poster probably didn't consider the definition because they were more concerned about a particular user, who uses Ask more than other parts of the site.

I would have thought that if someone was actually concerned about an individual's plight/life in danger/house on fire etcetera, they'd be able to 'break' the community rules - and post it on the fucking blue if need be.
posted by strawberryviagra at 2:56 AM on February 3, 2006

This question belongs on the site somewhere. I can understand why they might post it to Ask - sure, it's not relevant to the wider world. It probably won't be useful in the archives in six month's time. But it's not that bad. As I suggested in the question, I would hope that if it were posted to Metatalk it would stand. Shit, we got a question about whether ParisParaMouse had joined the army that wasn't deleted - a question about where ethylene is would be entirely justified on the grey. Shit, post it to projects - "Come join my mission to find ethylene!". Harm done by allowing this sort of thing to remain on Metafilter: None. Harm done by deleting it: potentially lots.
posted by Jimbob at 3:21 AM on February 3, 2006

She also did some posting on the 13th on another blog.

"dude die already.... i never will u just won't see me" .... etc.
posted by strawberryviagra at 3:36 AM on February 3, 2006

Well, I was trying to find a poster that I was helping a while ago and was worried about them and their family. What I usually do when I have an envelope pusher is IM or email jessamyn and just ask. She okayed me posting in the relevant previous threads but not a MeTa or new AskMe post. So I did, and put something in my profile as well, and it worked!

Projects seems like a good place if you threw a site up about the search, but it does have some site related content. However, Projects has been the home of Metafilter related things like greasemonkey scripts hasn't it? This is a question it might be good for admins to clarify.

In addition, my hearty salute and great respect goes out to the people who want to help ethylene. It's so wonderful to see people who care about the individuals here and don't distance themselves because of the digital nature of this communication. I wish you luck in the search and if there is anything I can do, please let me know.
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:37 AM on February 3, 2006

I just emailed one of her friend contacts - maybe he can shed some light.

Nighty, night me mateys.
posted by strawberryviagra at 3:58 AM on February 3, 2006

I'm pretty sure ethylene has a newish name on MeFi.
But I can't recall it at the moment.
posted by peacay at 4:21 AM on February 3, 2006

Considering the boiling point of Ethylene is -104°C, I'm surprised she stayed around as long as she did.

In all seriousness, I hope this ends benignly.
posted by Plutor at 4:30 AM on February 3, 2006

First of all, three question marks is hardly 'outrage' -

But when preceded by "WTF" it sure looks like it.

In certain situations I think it's OK to break the rules

But it's not your site, is it?

I too wish ethylene the best.
posted by languagehat at 4:34 AM on February 3, 2006

Best to eth.

The posts are strange, but no stranger than a lot of what she posts on a regular basis. I've not been able to understand her, for the most part.
posted by OmieWise at 5:17 AM on February 3, 2006

This is a non-story at best and I see no reason for any of the Metas to get involved.

I wish her (him?) neither my best nor my worst.
posted by Dagobert at 5:24 AM on February 3, 2006

no stranger than a lot of what she posts on a regular basis

No, they definitely are, if you've been following her trail at all closely. She was always flaky, chatty, and unpredictable (and probably on meds), but this latest run of posting definitely had the sound of someone in despair (and probably off her meds). I was worried about her as soon as I saw those deleted MoFi posts, and I'm not at all surprised she's dropped out of sight. I just hope she comes back all perky and defiant.

This is a non-story at best and I see no reason for any of the Metas to get involved.
I wish her (him?) neither my best nor my worst.

So glad you took the time out of your busy schedule to share your lack of interest. Gosh, people others care about and you don't are so unimportant! And it's so edgy not caring about people! You rock!
posted by languagehat at 5:29 AM on February 3, 2006

I am not belittling the desire of others to find out what happened to Eth but I do not think it belongs here.

The words 'unimportant', 'non-caring' and 'edgy' are yours, not mine. They are not of my mindset for this situation.
posted by Dagobert at 5:51 AM on February 3, 2006

I don't think it's a wrong question to ask, but it's clearly more on the "topics specific to MetaFilter itself" category, which is why Mattamyn said don't post it to Ask, post it to Meta.

Possible admin pony: Maybe a tool for you two that can migrate a post between the sites?

Besides, you've worked hard. You *deserve* a pony.
posted by eriko at 5:57 AM on February 3, 2006

ethylene's account was banned from here and she had a sock puppet account that I can't remember the name of and I can't remember if it was or was not banned. To the bext of my knowledge, she hasn't been around here nearly as much as she has been in MetaChat, and I know they are keeping an eye out for her too.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:30 AM on February 3, 2006

Web Stalking 101: I love it when a blog comes together
posted by blue_beetle at 6:46 AM on February 3, 2006

Her sock puppet account was philida, and that was also banned.
posted by iconomy at 6:57 AM on February 3, 2006

I recognized her nick but didn't remember any specifics about her, but I've been reading her old posts for quite a while this morning and like everyone else I don't know what to make of it. Drugs, mental illness, performance art, attention seeking? The strange thing is that there are a few profound observations and thoughts in the middle of the word salad.

She seems mad at Matt, the phone company, admins from blogger, shrinks/doctors, a "dude" who might be an ex, etc. She refers to her "dearly departed cat" as the only one she ever loved, and it made me really sad that she feels so lonely. She mentions long crying jags. I hope she's fine and I wish her well.

ethylene, if you're reading this drop your friends a line.
posted by Devils Slide at 7:00 AM on February 3, 2006

Yeah... I feel a little strange about this. Ethylene has always been very specific about not revealing personal information in terms of where she is, RL friends or connections... anything like that.

Obviously, she was not doing well during those last posting episodes. Perhaps she is getting treatment and will be back later feeling much better. Or maybe her computer just went down. She has email addresses for very many of us at metachat and monkeyfilter if she wants to get in touch. Aside from that - especially because she seems specifically protective of her physical privacy - I don't know what we can, or should do. I know that these are expressions of concern, but it also seems a little intrusive to me.
posted by taz at 7:08 AM on February 3, 2006

taz writes "I know that these are expressions of concern, but it also seems a little intrusive to me."


I think taz hits it. I think the poster has the best of intentions, but I hope Matt will protect eth's privacy by deleting this thread.
posted by orthogonality at 7:18 AM on February 3, 2006

No, the thread should not be deleted. All of the electronic friends have electronic ways only of getting in touch with her. This thread is just a more visible electronic signal to ask her to get in touch. It is in fact in lieu of physical-world stalking.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:35 AM on February 3, 2006

After so many years running this site and reading blogs, I'll admit I've become jaded on things such as this. Years ago, I was right there with everyone else, trying to find people in another user's life that could help them, and wringing my hands until I heard some closure on people that didn't post.

I've been through half a dozen of these go arounds and most often the person didn't want to be found by their online friends. I can't recall any stories of someone "saved" by people that read their blog tracking them down, instead it usually ends up with a bewildered relative having to phone up the person being sought after and having to explain why people online emailed strangers concerned about their well-being.

I know everyone's intentions are good here and people are concerned, but I predict the we won't hear from the person again for a long time, or it will be soonish, and they won't be pleased.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 8:37 AM on February 3, 2006

ethylene is the best sock i ever puppeted.
posted by quonsar at 8:41 AM on February 3, 2006

IronLizard was able to receive significant help from MeFi users.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:44 AM on February 3, 2006

hm Alvy's kind of a dick in that AskMe thread
posted by wakko at 8:47 AM on February 3, 2006

sorry, hit post too fast - He went out of touch again afterwards and was recontacted and replied back, letting us know he was OK and giving the opportunity to help some more. Different in a few ways from the ethylene situation, but it's not as black and white as your anecdotes would say, Matt. I have to respectfully disagree.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:47 AM on February 3, 2006

Oh, and I don't see anybody here trying to uncover her real identity or even discussing it. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. This is well within the bounds of keeping it online.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:48 AM on February 3, 2006

IronLizard was able to receive significant help from MeFi users

I don't mean that, stuff like that happens all the time -- people help people. I mean only "where did user x go? I'm concerned about them" posts. I can't recall one that ever ended in saving someone on the brink of despair, all because of their online friends. Usually it ends with the subject pissed.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 8:49 AM on February 3, 2006

I see your point, Matt, but a game of "my anecdotes outweigh your anecdotes" is not a valid indicator of whether person X is going to be helped or not helped in any particular situation. It's not a statistical matter, and anecdotes aren't even statistics.
posted by matildaben at 9:13 AM on February 3, 2006

I only mentioned anecdotes because I think these kind of threads are a bad use of the site (esp. Ask MeFi) if people were still wondering why I deleted it. That's all I wanted to say on the matter.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 9:38 AM on February 3, 2006

Yes, wakko, and then I went out and ate a bowl of puppies. My first comment was especially jerkish, don't you think?
I have no problem with this being discussed in the proper area, and have no wish to contribute to a derail. If you have a problem, my e-mail's in my profile, or call me out.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2006

To those who are concerned about eth, I will add this--last few times she was around metachat, she mentioned that she was going to be "away" for a while, she was planning to travel, etc.
posted by SassHat at 9:59 AM on February 3, 2006

fuckabees
posted by orthogonality at 10:22 AM on February 3, 2006

According to her member page on the MeCha wiki, "ethylene often disappears for extended periods of time, but people are very happy when she returns." I wouldn't worry about it...it's her thing.
posted by iconomy at 10:33 AM on February 3, 2006

Look, in general, if someone disappears it simply means they took a break or their computer broke. If on the other hand someone with "issues" disappears, there indeed could be something wrong and it is not wrong to want to know if the person is okay.

The bipolar forum I used to frequent dealt with this a lot. Fortunately the person usually came back, but the reason we were all on edge about it is because occasionally the person quit posting because they had killed themselves. A lot of our time was spent checking on absent members and making sure they were okay.
posted by konolia at 10:57 AM on February 3, 2006

I hope she's okay, but I'm not sorry to see her gone. If there's anyone who has posted anywhere stuff consistently that seems very attention-seeking and affected, it's her. But lots of people have never been annoyed by her posts and comments, so I figure it's another example of how differently people can perceive this sort of thing. After all, my style and substance is very provocative to some people, not at all to others, and in particular I know, being in my own head, that the mindset that some others attribute to me at which they take the greatest offense if simply not the case. Might the same be true in ethylene's case? Certainly. So I've never really complained about eth. But my intellectual doubts about my judgment of her posting haven't reduced at all my immediate reaction to her posting, which is still very negative. There's probably a lesson in that, too.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 11:00 AM on February 3, 2006

And it has only been three weeks, maybe she is just on vacation.
posted by Mitheral at 11:06 AM on February 3, 2006

why was ethylene banned?
posted by shmegegge at 11:29 AM on February 3, 2006

Possibly that knowledge lies in a deleted MeTa thread?
posted by graventy at 11:44 AM on February 3, 2006

SassHat, I searched and couldn't find anything like that, I guess I just missed it. I hope that is what's going on.

My initial way of dealing with this was to ask an admin to try and contact her (via email only) and just make sure she was still around. That way she wouldn't get embarrassed about large groups searching for her. I didn't want to make this a public notice of any sort but thought that, perhaps, she was actually watching and would have the heart to, at least, contact someone even if it was to say 'fuck off'. I was torn for the reasons that Matt stated but after checking out comments over the past year or so felt that there was such a significant difference in her comments that I couldn't just drop it. I was very concerned about this, too, because I realize full well ethylene values her privacy, however, I also believe that because this is a public forum we have a right to make a minimal effort to make sure someone who seems to be going thru some change, publically, is okay. I wouldn't call this cyber-stalking, I would call this compassion. Intrusive? No, this is a public forum that we have free will to use or not. Let's say that taz starts to make comments that are out of the ordinary for her and then just drops out of sight. Would/should we ignore it? Really? I don't think I could do that.

As for putting it on AskMefi, she seemed to hang out there most and so I hoped that she might see it and respond. But, whatever, as long as she is okay, frankly I just don't care where it gets put.
posted by codeofconduct at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2006

Well, a number of my internet friends have all sorts of contact information for me... including my phone number, and even numbers and addresses for people in my family, so that isn't likely to happen. Even if my computer goes down for a couple of days, I usually get someone else to fire off an email to someone to let them know.

But eth has expressly said she doesn't want to be "findable". At any rate, I did email her, as I mentioned in your earlier metachat thread on this subject. With zero other contact info for her, I'm not sure what else you are hoping for.

Generally, though, this might be a good inspiration to suggest that people who are active in internet communities maybe buddy up a little, and give a couple of trusted friends alternative contact info in case you can't be reached.
posted by taz at 12:28 PM on February 3, 2006

With zero other contact info for her, I'm not sure what else you are hoping for.

Nothing else, I appreciate your effort. I will gladly be the fool in all this hoohaw.
posted by codeofconduct at 12:31 PM on February 3, 2006

The contact info we have for her matches all her publicly available info, so I'd suggest waiting this out. I've contacted people in the past from MeFi who seemed to be coming a little unglued at the request of others, but it's something we do pretty rarely. I'm sure you all mean well, but I feel like waiting this out is the best we can do, especially considering that seems to be what ethylene herself has wanted in the past.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:37 PM on February 3, 2006

No one cares when I disappear for months at a time.
*sniff*

And, I have to side with Matt on this one.
posted by JeffK at 12:37 PM on February 3, 2006

Hey, I haven't seen JeffK around for a while. Is he OK?

On Preview: *whew* Good to see you, Jeff!
posted by graventy at 2:08 PM on February 3, 2006

Jeff who?
posted by klangklangston at 2:13 PM on February 3, 2006

LanguageHat: In certain situations I think it's OK to break the rules

But it's not your site, is it?

If you're going to quote me - include all of the quote (ie the generally speaking bit that came directly after).

No, it's not my site - but it is, by its own definition, a community site.

Back on track: I received an email from Shane (her friend), who said it's not unusual behaviour for her, but has sent her a missive to see where she is at.

I don't know Ethylene, had never heard of her prior to codeofconduct's post - but I have had several friends over the past 5 years suicide (one just last week).

And if you care to read some of Ethylene's posts - you would probably have an iota of concern.
posted by strawberryviagra at 2:47 PM on February 3, 2006

"No, it's not my site - but it is, by its own definition, a community site."

So? That a site is a "community site" doesn't require that the community either makes the rules or decides on the enforcement of the rules. Your retort is, strictly speaking, a non sequitor.

However, I will grant you that the notion of a "community site" implies to many or most people something more liberal than an absolute tyranny. Whether or not that includes a limitation of enforcement to self-enforcement is debatable. I'd say that it doesn't.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 2:55 PM on February 3, 2006

The sanctimony here is pretty damn thick, e.g., "If you oppose our intarweb bloodhound gang you are callous and spiteful!" Does it strike you as a possibility that this person wants to be left alone, or just doesn't give a damn about your precious community for a few weeks?
posted by bardic at 4:03 PM on February 3, 2006

Jesus, this just gets worse and worse. For those of you who don't want to be involved--go away, don't involve yourselves. Bloodhound gang? Precious community? Christ, I'm sorry I ever said anything. Must be nice to be so fucking jaded. Remind me never to ask Mefites to trouble themselves enough to be concerned about someone else in this 'precious community'. For those of you who have--I thank you and don't direct this toward you, obviously.

This has become more than what was intended, that is for sure.
posted by codeofconduct at 5:33 PM on February 3, 2006

I found her! She was taking a shower!

. . . So, uh, can you guys post my bail?
posted by jenovus at 5:54 PM on February 3, 2006

Hey, I warned ya.
posted by agropyron at 7:59 PM on February 3, 2006

I can't recall one that ever ended in saving someone on the brink of despair, all because of their online friends.

Matt, with all due respect, I think this could be an exception. I mean, have you read those blog entries? Over a period of 4 years the writing becomes absolutely disentangled... scattered. It's like watching somone's mind unravel. Either she's off her medication, or needs to get some.

I agree that there's really nothing that can be done about it, and hopefully Eth is dealing with whatever she needs to deal with and will come back some day. But I don't think the occasional inquiry is hurting anyone. It's nice to be reminded that you're missed, and that there are real people concerned for your well-being.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:17 PM on February 3, 2006

Remind me never to ask Mefites to trouble themselves enough to be concerned about someone else in this 'precious community'.

Dude, she's been banned from this community. Twice.

I miss her too (and protested the philida banning to matt) but this is really the wrong site to be asking, especially if you're gonna get huffy when people expresss opinions you don't like.

(I admit, tho, it's easy to say things like that since I think it's just eth being eth and am confident she'll be back eventually.)
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:45 PM on February 3, 2006

Not that I believe this is relevant, but how is one to know if a user has been banned?

This is what Matt had to say about it (ironic given the current situation).
posted by strawberryviagra at 9:42 PM on February 3, 2006

if you care to read some of Ethylene's posts - you would probably have an iota of concern.

I do. Have you read my comments in this thread, other than the one snarking at you?

And for fuck's sake, we're talking about her; we're just not talking about her in AskMe, which is the wrong place for it. Jesus.
posted by languagehat at 6:35 AM on February 4, 2006

LanguageHat: I should have made it clearer that after dealing with your 'snark' I went on to address the rest of the thread generally - my apologies for not making this clearer (the last sentence wasn't directed at you - my bad).

This has kind of gone offline now anyway - the thread quickly degenerated into point scoring from the get go - no thanks to my reaction on reading Effigy's post, and the original reason it was posted was quickly lost.

As I said previously - I made an enquiry after her, to alert one of her friends to codeofconduct's original post, so he would know to check up on her just to see if she's OK - he's done that, but hasn't heard back. So let's assume everything's in order (and that will help address some of the more paranoid projections of 'stalking').

If anyone want's an update (if one's forthcoming) you can email me (anything at strawberryviagra dot com), I don't intend to post any further updates here (for obvious reasons).
posted by strawberryviagra at 3:33 PM on February 4, 2006

I thought this kind of hit the nail on the head.
posted by codeofconduct at 9:57 PM on February 6, 2006