Browser affected by Metafilter post

December 17, 2006 9:47 AM

Warning: the project posted Dec. 16 entitled "A Charter Documents" attempts to fuck with your computer. At the very least, it tries to install Adobe's Google Toolbar with Schockwave, with a window that (as far as I can see) can only be closed by rebooting.
posted by beagle to Etiquette/Policy at 9:47 AM (30 comments total)

This is not the experience I am having with this at all. Can you tell me what your OS and browser are?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:49 AM on December 17, 2006

It's just a shockwave file embedded in the page, no hackery that I can see.
posted by matthewr at 10:06 AM on December 17, 2006

heh. he said Adobe's Google Toolbar with Schockwave. heh.
posted by quonsar at 10:31 AM on December 17, 2006

Jess: Windows 2000, IE (hold the sarcasm out there). Clicking the link opens a download window I can't close, the only option seems to be to click Next. That was at work. Am home now and using XP/IE7, which fails to open the link at all.
posted by beagle at 10:46 AM on December 17, 2006

I couldn't get it to work in IE. Works fine in firefox though. I think the problem is with the browser, not the site.
posted by bob sarabia at 10:53 AM on December 17, 2006

heh. he said Adobe's Google Toolbar with Schockwave. heh.

Goolge Vox maps iPod Flickr Adobe 4337signalfolders Schlockwave Instarudepunani
posted by loquacious at 10:56 AM on December 17, 2006

My internet is broken when they email me to netscape, I think the googles are redirecting my hotmail to spam it out, can someone please cancel that mailing list, or even better just delete it please because I'm worried it will infect my folder.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:02 AM on December 17, 2006 [6 favorites]

hotmail forwarded my isp email
posted by loiseau at 11:19 AM on December 17, 2006

Hi beagle, I think the problem has something to do with how Internet Explorer reacts to sites that require plug-ins that it does not already have installed. You may want to try updating your copy of Shockwave and seeing if that solves the problem and trying the site again.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:59 AM on December 17, 2006

Alt+F4
posted by shoesfullofdust at 12:10 PM on December 17, 2006

Buy a Mac.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:17 PM on December 17, 2006

WTF is a crappy McDonald's hamburger going to do to help?
posted by weretable and the undead chairs at 12:49 PM on December 17, 2006

My internet is broken when they email me to netscape, I think the googles are redirecting my hotmail to spam it out, can someone please cancel that mailing list, or even better just delete it please because I'm worried it will infect my folder.

Have you tried rebooting?


If not, you'll need to install winsock and reboot. After you reboot login as root. Obtain a copy of the ICEWIN-DESQVIEW build of Novell's Surfcomp. Install and run that. When it asks if you want to proceed, type Y and hit enter. It will immediately zero out your File Allocation Tables and recalibrate them for your latitude, longitude and magnetic deviation while annealing the platters of your drives to a crisp, brightly polished state. Have a nice lox and bagel plate; Guru meditation.

When Surfcomp aquires synchronization with the unique sympathetic resonance of each drive platter, you'll need orient your monitor to true geographic north while you align your CPU to the local magnetic deviation. Reboot.

Now, you've probably noticed the "Missing operating system" error. That's fine. That's why we did the geomagnetic alignment to improve the flow of your computers chi. All of your data is mirrored in the quantum flux, imprinted on various random molecules surrounding the computer. Some of these random molecules may also be in yourself, a family pet, or whomever else was nearby when we ran Surfcomp. For error correction purposes you may wish to nip outside real quick and detain anyone walking by. Storing them in the freezer will help prevent data loss.

Find the installation or recovery disks for the operating system that came with your computer. They probably smell like brimstone and dead goat butt. This is normal for Windows. Linux discs, for example generally smell like fun fur, vinyl, amyl nitrate and woe - but this varies from build to build. Ubuntu has a distinctly fruity overtone, while Gentoo has a very pronounced leather aroma. Apple discs just smell like overly boiled asshole - which is nearly scentless but still subtly offensive and greasy.

Sorry, I digress. So, you need to take your installation or recovery discs and burn them. Ha ha! Just kidding. That would smell really bad. Put them in your computer and follow the installation instructions. You may find a screwdriver helpful. When you're done installing or recovering reboot the computer and login as root again.

Reinstall winsock and the ICEWIN-DESQVIEW build of Novell Netware's Surfcomp. Now go get any family pets, family members or random people you have detained so we can restore your data as orginally outlined in RFC 1149 as well as RFC 813. Hopefully they're still alive. Position them exactly where you found them when you first ran Surfcomp. Now we need to run Surfcomp backwards, and to do this we need to open the computer, unmount the drive and turn it upside down and exactly perpendicular to magnetic north. That would be 180 degrees on Y and approximately 90 on Z. Run Surfcomp (backwards, as indicated).

When it's done, reboot and log in under your old account. Everything should be restored. Your hotmail should sucessfully email you to netscape and your folder will be sporting a lovely new shiny coat of spamproof diamondoid armorplate. The mailing list never existed.
posted by loquacious at 12:54 PM on December 17, 2006 [9 favorites]

[Warning: Shockwave]
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 1:11 PM on December 17, 2006

Wow, that worked, and as an added bonus I acquired the ability to reach through the fourth dimension! Thanks, loquacious!
posted by languagehat at 1:13 PM on December 17, 2006

When it's done, reboot and log in under your old account. Everything should be restored.

yeah, it worked, thanks. but now my pancreas is broken and I'm afraid to eat these leftover fried cheese sticks. FINISH. THE. FUCKING. STORY!
posted by carsonb at 2:11 PM on December 17, 2006

Languagehat: very good book about cross-dimensional computing
posted by By The Grace of God at 2:14 PM on December 17, 2006

ahhh! metatalk thread about my stupid creation! i guess that site, or any flash i do, is just my attempt to fuck with people who still use IE. idiots.

anyone using firefox have a problem? also, i'll take andhostedfrom uranus' suggestion in any future projects i do and warn people of coming shockwave...
posted by localhuman at 2:33 PM on December 17, 2006

i also just realized that i have the .swf embedded as shockwave rather than as a flash 8 file. i'll go change that, and maybe beagle can see if it works then?
posted by localhuman at 2:38 PM on December 17, 2006

loquacious, I just tried that and now everything's backwards.
posted by typewriter at 2:51 PM on December 17, 2006

Well, whaddaya know, localhuman, with that flasch 8 file, it now works for me.
posted by beagle at 3:15 PM on December 17, 2006

Schlockwave.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:16 PM on December 17, 2006

thanks beagle. i'm glad ie users can now see my content.

i don't really like being accused of trying to fuck with people's computers, though.
posted by localhuman at 3:34 PM on December 17, 2006

You think you've got it bad?

I just had some visitors from the future who wanted to thoroughly probe and scan me for the express purposes of building some jackass of a giant statue. Somthing about me being the father of time travel or some nonsense. They insisted it needed to be anatomically correct with at least 5 digits of precision.

3 seconds later after these jolly fellows vanished, the exact same (but much angrier) blokes reappeared heavily armed with a ridiculous assortment of Buck Rogers rayguns, insisting that they had never, ever been here before and tried to arrest me for "crimes against the Universe and the sanctity and purity of the Space-Time continuum". Uh, right.

So far I've managed to distract them with a bit of brightly colored string, a blacklight and an Enya CD.
posted by loquacious at 4:51 PM on December 17, 2006

Those visitors from the future are always such saps. I used to distract them with Terry Bisson stories that I learned off by heart. Now I just ignore 'em. Semantic ghosts.
posted by cgc373 at 6:14 PM on December 17, 2006

Nice bit of prose, loquacious, and republishable to thousands of support forums around the 'net. Though if you decide to go there, tweak this one wobble:

All of your data is mirrored in the quantum flux, imprinted on various random molecules

data != random

I see what you meant about the molecules at hand... I suggest something like "the most adjacent molecules available at the appropriate quantum resonances."

/bullshit police
posted by scarabic at 7:01 PM on December 17, 2006

I cannot tell the difference between the people having serious technical problems and the jokers in this thread. Which is several flavours of awesome.
posted by GuyZero at 7:06 PM on December 17, 2006

scarabic: That's the nit you're going to pick? Even after the line "Some of these random molecules may also be in yourself, a family pet, or whomever else was nearby" tries to reinforce that it is indeed patterned data being imposed on randomly chosen "molecules"?

Me, I might have gone for the description of the attitude translation of the drive that I pulled out of my butt, which is probably totally factually wrong at describing the finished attitude of the drive that I had in mind. Or combining Icewin and Desqview, which is just stupid. Or somehow referencing lox and an Amiga kernel panic together - why, I don't know, I really don't. Or the fact that only one of the RFCs is actually silly. Or insinuating all that rather offensive crap about the various OSes. (Well, furries love ubuntu, this is a known fact.)

But out of all of the things that are wholly, criminally wrong about that piece of jargon-prose, you're going to go with whether or not I meant random molecules or random non-data-data in an implied (if improbable) backup scenario?

Dude, you are so having sex with the darkness. Please hand me your character sheet so I may destroy it. Now the robe and wizard hat and your dice. No, you can't keep your half empty 2 liter of Mtn. Dew and your glass light up Lord of The Rings goblet that you got at Burger King.
posted by loquacious at 7:23 PM on December 17, 2006

loquacious, that is most cool. All you need to add is a divide-by-zero reference and it will be perfect. Next time someone e-mails me asking for help with their computer because they ignored rule #1 that I impose on any aquaintance who desires repeat PC assistance (they must use Firefox and not IE - I delete all shortcuts to IE to facilitate this), that will be the response they get. I wonder how many people I have to send that to before I get one that actually tries it?
posted by dg at 8:43 PM on December 17, 2006

I wonder how many people I have to send that to before I get one that actually tries it?

After hours of deep thought and consideration I'll guess that it will be less than 6. Because I'm an unconcise semimoron, I'll call it "Six degrees of sometimes I really shouldn't open my big fat mouth because people might actually think I was serious and actually try doing whatever stupid thing it was I said and blow up the universe and/or themselves, which would suck."
posted by loquacious at 11:50 PM on December 17, 2006