Pounding waves of colorful bands of creeps

April 11, 2007 2:55 AM

Skot summarizes Ask Metafilter: "AskMe is often quite an amazing resource; it's made even more impressive by the fact that this 'community' of thousands of sun-deprived gripers frequently give good advice. Predictably, however, you have to wade through pounding waves of horrible bullshit to find it. And then, when you do find it, you have to sit there a moment and worry about the fact that this community—like all communities—is filled with a colorful band of assholes, half of whom hate the other half; a full two-thirds who are illiterate or insane; an unidentifiable portion who are basement-dwelling hate-wraiths; ten percent who are axe-grinding creeps, possibly with real axes; and your average random smattering of mean-spirited shitheads. But somewhere in there are some good answers! Usually." Great Scott!
posted by Mo Nickels to MetaFilter-Related at 2:55 AM (94 comments total)

Read the rest of his stuff. Hysterical. He writes like a girl. :)
posted by Mo Nickels at 2:57 AM on April 11, 2007

Oh, and I meant to link to Skot's Metafilter profile. Just for those who don't recognize his old-skooledness. See, he's inside the tent pissing out, so we're fine with him.
posted by Mo Nickels at 2:59 AM on April 11, 2007

Blogger writes about other blog, film at 11.
posted by grouse at 3:26 AM on April 11, 2007

Wait, so he's one of our own? JUDAS!

We have no choice then. We must administer the secret punishment. Fetch the Binturong and the corn syrup! This will be a long night...
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:41 AM on April 11, 2007

Insipid and inaccurate, or is that the point? When a critic claims it is insipid and inaccurate, then one self-defines to the colorful band of assholes. Guess the author can't lose; an enviable position.

Although for relationship questions, a stretched version of the truth is approached by the witticisms. Even the half-witticisms.

(1993 'Netting is old-skool? Seems about average for here.)

((Apparently I'm still in a cranky mood.))
posted by mdevore at 3:41 AM on April 11, 2007

Metafilter: you have to wade through pounding waves of horrible bullshit to find it.
posted by three blind mice at 3:47 AM on April 11, 2007

Someone seems a little bitter. Who turned Skot down for a date to the prom?
posted by Dave Faris at 4:13 AM on April 11, 2007

That sounds about right!
posted by MarkAnd at 4:25 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

[A] colorful band of assholes, half of whom hate the other half; a full two-thirds who are illiterate or insane; an unidentifiable portion who are basement-dwelling hate-wraiths; ten percent who are axe-grinding creeps, possibly with real axes; and your average random smattering of mean-spirited shitheads

This thread is meaningless without Venn diagrams
posted by Jofus at 4:37 AM on April 11, 2007 [8 favorites]

I admit that I love Skot like a pedophile loves Nickelodeon, but it's getting mighty close to clobberin' time!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:48 AM on April 11, 2007

Skot's writing is going to make him some money one of these days. Skot, have you talked with a financial adviser?
posted by norm at 4:52 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Skot, have you talked with a financial adviser?

I don't think those guys who nail "Make Money From Home!" signs on telephone poles count as financial advisers.



Wait a sec... I think Skot is one of those guys...
posted by Avogadro at 5:01 AM on April 11, 2007

...thousands of sun-deprived gripers...

Well put. My lack of commenting over the past year or so has helped the ol' tan....
posted by i_cola at 5:02 AM on April 11, 2007

Some of you read that blurb like it's a bad thing.
posted by BeerFilter at 5:06 AM on April 11, 2007

seems bang on to me -- an honest appraisal that recognises both the beauty and ugliness that is inherent in any community. kudos to skot..
posted by modernnomad at 5:19 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Dibs on being in the two-thirds who are illiterate or insane!
posted by piratebowling at 5:32 AM on April 11, 2007

filled with a colorful band of assholes, half of whom hate the other half; a full two-thirds who are illiterate or insane; an unidentifiable portion who are basement-dwelling hate-wraiths; ten percent who are axe-grinding creeps, possibly with real axes; and your average random smattering of mean-spirited shitheads.

I'm trying to figure out which group I belong to, so I can order a t-shirt.
posted by jonmc at 5:33 AM on April 11, 2007

I'm trying to figure out which group I belong to,

Most of them.
posted by Jimbob at 5:36 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

well, I'm not a basement-dwelling hate-wraith. I live on the third floor of my building. so there.
posted by jonmc at 5:38 AM on April 11, 2007

he forgot the part where one half of us are self-righteous pukebrains who are convinced the other half are out to ruin the holy purpose of askme
posted by pyramid termite at 5:57 AM on April 11, 2007

Colorful band of assholes?^(NSFW)
posted by Rhomboid at 5:58 AM on April 11, 2007

I thought colorful-banded assholes were a sort of monkey.

Oh, wait...
posted by briank at 6:15 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

All right, where's my motherfucking ax?
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:02 AM on April 11, 2007

Our latest surveillance statistsics show that we're down to only 8% axe-grinding creeps. Our advertisers would like us to do something about this. Any ideas?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:03 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Any ideas?

Another election in the United States ought to do the trick!
posted by staggernation at 7:10 AM on April 11, 2007

Any ideas?

I can recommend some songs for a mix tape.
posted by bradlands at 7:29 AM on April 11, 2007

colorful band of assholes
They sold out after an interesting debut album.
posted by Abiezer at 7:29 AM on April 11, 2007

I am frantically checking the music section, how come there is not a song about this already? He has given us the lyrics, chop chop people.
posted by geoff. at 7:31 AM on April 11, 2007

Our latest surveillance statistsics show that we're down to only 8% axe-grinding creeps. Our advertisers would like us to do something about this. Any ideas?

More FFPs about whetstones?
posted by Karmakaze at 7:32 AM on April 11, 2007

a full two-thirds who are illiterate or insane

The illiterate members are hiding it really well.
posted by amro at 7:35 AM on April 11, 2007

yoo bett wee r.
posted by jonmc at 7:36 AM on April 11, 2007

You're saying we should be kindling the axe-grinders' affection?
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:40 AM on April 11, 2007

Provided he's honest, I can't really see how he can characterize askme that way. Perhaps he has some history with other posters here and projects his characterizations of those on to the rest of the population? And of course ignores what kind of comments really get posted (baring the deleted ones perhaps).
posted by Catfry at 7:42 AM on April 11, 2007

barring
posted by Catfry at 7:45 AM on April 11, 2007

*attempts to declaw Skot; finds it's already been done*
posted by Mister_A at 7:46 AM on April 11, 2007

Perhaps he has some history with other posters here and projects his characterizations of those on to the rest of the population?

Well, Skot and I did date briefly back in the 80s.
posted by bradlands at 7:47 AM on April 11, 2007

You do wonder if he's ever seen another web forum... even the direct competitors to AskMe are frightfully worse.
posted by smackfu at 7:47 AM on April 11, 2007

Provided he's honest, I can't really see how he can characterize askme that way.

By taking the piss, from a long-time member's perspective, I think. It doesn't strike me as a very apt portrait of AskMe, but he's going for laughs, not verisimilitude.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:49 AM on April 11, 2007

(baring the deleted ones perhaps).
barring

I prefer 'baring.' deleted comment nudity is always fun)
posted by jonmc at 7:52 AM on April 11, 2007

cortex, are you suggesting that people embellish their stories on the internet for effect? I, along with everyone I know, thought that was the exclusive province of old media...
posted by Mister_A at 7:52 AM on April 11, 2007

Best izzle pfaff entry ever, on the occasion of Aerosmith playing the 2002 Super Bowl:

Probably a big impediment towards achieving good health--pointedly ignoring the cigarettes--was actually watching the Super Bowl. My friend D. came over to watch it with me and the wife (who, it probably doesn't need to be said, really could have gave a fuck anyway). Things did not start auspiciously (do they ever?): some idiotic flack unwisely exhumed Aerosmith and turned them loose onto the stage for the pre-show. Aerosmith. These antediluvian fucks. Whose idea was this? Anyway, there they were, prancing ridiculously; they looked like the Living Avatars of Fruit Leather. Joe Perry arthritically strangled his guitar like a recalcitrant stepchild, and Steven Tyler . . . good god. He clutched frantically at the microphone, like a drowning man, as his glassine bones moaned under the weight of his terrible array of scarves. And of course his voice is just ruined any more: he searched myopically for notes the way a frustrated man looks for a missing sock in the back of the dryer, and unable to locate any, resorted to some terrible, grainy shrieking. At this point, mysteriously, tiny men began parachuting into the stadium, for unclear purposes. Tyler eyed them nervously, and I thought, ecstatically, They're coming to kill Steven Tyler! Finally! But no, the weird 'chuters touched down and just kind of scampered off, pointlessly, and Tyler flashed a relieved smile at the apparent reprieve from Death from Above.

That was just the pre-show I caught. Christ only knows what the network sackheads inflicted on an unwary public before I bothered to tune in.

posted by thatwhichfalls at 7:52 AM on April 11, 2007

Great, Geoff, I was going to write a mildly amusing comment about a Music.MeFi self-referential song.

Now I have decide whether to write something snarky, or a painfully sincere comment prising Skot's brilliance.
posted by theora55 at 7:55 AM on April 11, 2007

Ok, it's always good to discover that I just didn't pick up on some humour, rather than the originator being a dick.
posted by Catfry at 7:56 AM on April 11, 2007

Is that supposed to be a rant? Meh. I could do better.
posted by dios at 8:03 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I always thoought Skot was actually rodii. I miss rodii.
posted by jonmc at 8:11 AM on April 11, 2007

...this community—like all communities—is filled with a colorful band of assholes, half of whom hate the other half;

Look at the bright side: If only half the assholes hate the other half of the assholes, that means the other half of the assholes doesn't hate the other half of the assholes.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:18 AM on April 11, 2007

That'd be a much more accurate description of MeTa.
posted by klangklangston at 8:23 AM on April 11, 2007

Goddammit Skot, I hate math.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:24 AM on April 11, 2007

I hate the assholes, but I don't mind the axe-maniacs.
posted by Mister_A at 8:24 AM on April 11, 2007

“Of the green, it is said the magicians told mathowie, 'This is the finger of AskMeFi.' But of the threads, it is said, 'And bloggers saw the mighty hand with which AskMeFi smote the answerseekers, and believed in AskMeFi and believed in mathowie, AskMeFi's servant.' If one finger smote the answerseekers with ten plagues in the green, it may be deduced that in the threads they were smitten with fifty plagues.”

And by this how do we know that in thread, answer seekers were struck not by fifty, but two hundred fifty plagues at the green homepage?

Because, it is said, “AskMeFi sent against the answerseekers pounding waves of horrible bullshit, basement-dwelling hate wraiths, axe-grinding creeps, mean spirited shitheads and a colorful band of assholes.

Pounding waves of horrible bullshit, one; basement-dwelling hate wraths, two; axe-grinding creeps, three; mean spirited shitheads, four; and a coloful band of assholes, five."

And a Zisen Pesach to you too, Skot.
posted by kosem at 8:39 AM on April 11, 2007

I always thoought Skot was actually rodii. I miss rodii.

Good lord, no. I couldn't carry rodii's jock.

*carries rodii's jock*

HEY! Looka me! Man, I miss rodii too.

Anyway, this was sure weird. [Dr. Nick]HI EVERYBODY![/Dr. Nick] Thanks for wasting a few minutes of your lives reading my garbled bullshit.
posted by Skot at 8:50 AM on April 11, 2007

Hi, Dr. Nick Skot!
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:52 AM on April 11, 2007

Thanks for insulting us, skot.
posted by Dave Faris at 9:04 AM on April 11, 2007

Thanks for insulting us, skot.

Jeez, y'all, this is how Skot writes about everyone, including himself. Everyone, that is, except his wife, who (let's agree) must be a peach.
posted by Elsa at 9:15 AM on April 11, 2007

I thought this was a pretty accurate description of the entire human race.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:18 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is a point.
Several of you missed it.
Skot writes like a friend of mine, with a little more focus, and a little less hatred aimed at West Texas.
Continue the good work!
posted by fnord at 9:19 AM on April 11, 2007

(disclosure: I have a sad little internet crush on Skot. And his wife.)
posted by Elsa at 9:21 AM on April 11, 2007

He writes like a girl.

How so?
posted by phoenixc at 9:28 AM on April 11, 2007

skot, I'd shake your hand, but I'd prefer you wash it first.

Dave Faris, don't be so sensitive or you'll break out in a rash.
posted by jonmc at 9:31 AM on April 11, 2007

How so?

Skot posts backwards and in high heels.
posted by Cyrano at 9:35 AM on April 11, 2007 [2 favorites]

That blog is pretty good. I laughed many times in the last half-hour I've been reading it. Well, stifled laughs since I don't want everyone in the office to know I'm not working.
posted by Roger Dodger at 9:37 AM on April 11, 2007

Thanks for insulting us, skot.

What do you mean, 'us', paleface?
posted by solid-one-love at 9:59 AM on April 11, 2007

skot is not as funny as he never was.
posted by quonsar at 9:59 AM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Got a fellow marine biologist who always farts in the diving bell? Hie thee hence to Yahoo! Answers for several pages of "LOL FARTZ" comments!

Dear Skot,

I want to make a mix tape for my gal. She really likes Richard Thompson, Diamanda Galas, Yma Sumac and Chylandyk throat singing. Any suggestions?

You sound depressed. Have you considered therapy? I am not a doctor, and this should not be taken as medical advice.



This is a keeper. Those of you who are criticizing this guy clearly haven't read it.
posted by jason's_planet at 10:04 AM on April 11, 2007

Needs more West Texas.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:10 AM on April 11, 2007

There's some good writing on that blog, I'm sure, but you have to wade through pounding waves of horrible bullshit to find it.
posted by Miko at 10:16 AM on April 11, 2007 [2 favorites]

the most cogent analysis from an impressive crowd of people you've never met and have no reason to trust.

That's wonderful, though!
posted by Miko at 10:23 AM on April 11, 2007

He writes like a girl.

How so?

He posts sitting down.
posted by team lowkey at 10:42 AM on April 11, 2007

When I read this writeup, I was wondering "what AxMe is this guy reading? Am I missing something? I don't see pounding waves of bullshit... maybe the occasional turd washing up."

That Aerosmith quote up there helped put it in much better context. Thanks, thatwhichfalls. :)
posted by Malor at 11:04 AM on April 11, 2007

MetaFilter: Always has been, always will be.
posted by Duncan at 12:04 PM on April 11, 2007

[Dr. Nick]HI EVERYBODY![/Dr. Nick]

Of course! In the back of my mind I somehow thought for quite some time that Dr. Phil was always greeted this way by his audience ("Hi Dr. Phil!"). I don't watch his show, but I somehow managed to conflate him with the Simpsons character. Strangely fitting perhaps, but I still feel really dumb now. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 12:27 PM on April 11, 2007

Jeez, people. Like cortex said, he's going for laughs, not verisimilitude. Like the curate's egg, parts of it are quite nice; I liked this one:

Dear Skot,

So I've been seeing this guy on the side. He's all I want in a mate: he's a famous, wealthy, piratical glass artist from right here in the great Pacific Northwest. The bullet is, he loves handjobs, and I love to administer them. The problem is, he comes so hard! He's always blasting out my tracklights with his freaky ejaculations! He never offers to pay for the replacement bulbs. What's the best way to approach him about this? I'm tired of making lame excuses to Home Depot about always replacing these things.

Tie him to the bed, put on Richard and Linda Thompson's Shoot Out the Lights, and say "Now think about what you've done!" Then leave him there to die.

(This is not legal advice, and I am not your lawyer.)

posted by languagehat at 12:40 PM on April 11, 2007

I liked our description over at Something Awful: "MetaFilter is 95% bright, engaging, astute polymaths and 5% total loving dipshits. Always has been, always will be."

I like to think I'm a total loving dipshit, even though I'm not quite sure what that is.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:36 PM on April 11, 2007

"Richard Thompson, Diamanda Galas, Yma Sumac and Chylandyk throat singing" is a pretty good description of what's in my music library.

Oh, the poor, poor SOBs who are in my swapset...
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:15 PM on April 11, 2007

...axe-grinding creeps, possibly with real axes...

It's not an axe.

It's an entrenching tool.
posted by porpoise at 2:28 PM on April 11, 2007

skot is deeply disturbed, deeply disturbing and disturbingly deep. While originally considering him a Defective-Yeti-wannabe with a self-imposed quota of 4 'fucks' and 3 'shits' per post, I have come to see him as something much much more... a true artist of flame-out pyrotechnology with a seemingly endless supply of fuel and the infinite-monkeylike ability to string together at least one phrase of absolute sequiturity (as opposed to non-sequiturity) and crystal clarity that becomes permanently carved into the inside of your head in everything he writes:

"Living Avatars of Fruit Leather" in the Aerosmith blurb,

"a colorful band of assholes, half of whom hate the other half; a full two-thirds who are illiterate or insane; an unidentifiable portion who are basement-dwelling hate-wraiths; ten percent who are axe-grinding creeps, possibly with real axes; and your average random smattering of mean-spirited shitheads", in the first part of 'Ask Izzle Pfaff" and "blasting out my tracklights with his freaky ejaculations" in the latter part.

In his movie pre-reviews: "Hilary Swank gets eaten by locusts, and fuck, I'd watch that" and "That guy just doesn't look like a Zeljko to me! He's peachy."

"I kind of want David Caruso to coach the Mariners. He can stare at Adrian Beltre with those dead-reptile eyes of his and whip off his sunglasses to croak, "Let's see some hustle out there, Adrian," and Beltre will jovially blap, "Sure thing, skip!" right before he strikes out swinging and loses control of his bat and it sails into the stands and kills a mother of three, and then David Caruso stonily arrests him with some pithy quip like, "Sometime, coaching can be murder." YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

and "*carries rodii's jock*" in his comment here.

I mean, really, if half the words above did not make you giggle like a schoolgirl then want to wash out the inside of your head with OxyClean, then you are less than human. Yeah, I'm looking at you, davy.
posted by wendell at 2:36 PM on April 11, 2007

Entrenching tools for trenchant fools.
posted by boo_radley at 2:41 PM on April 11, 2007

Skot is awesome. Yay Skot!

How come we aren't stomping on Mo Nickels for the bizarre unsupported "writes like a girl" thing?
posted by Kwine at 2:43 PM on April 11, 2007

Because it's beneath my dignity.
posted by Elsa at 2:50 PM on April 11, 2007

I'll just be in my basement, sharpening my axe, I guess....
posted by Many bubbles at 3:45 PM on April 11, 2007

How come we aren't stomping on Mo Nickels for the bizarre unsupported "writes like a girl" thing?

because it is a lovely compliment for a brilliant writer. plus, skot's wife writes all the funny parts.
posted by judith at 3:58 PM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Nobody's stomping me for "writes like a girl" because they got my lame joke. Let me make it lamer by explaining it.

"Hysterical" means "very funny." Hysterical also means "suffering from hysteria." Hysteria and hysterics were originally considered female conditions: "hysteric" comes from the Greek "husterikos" meaning "of the womb" via the Latin "hystericus." Thus, saying "Skot is hysterical" is also kind of like saying "Skot's a girl."

Like I said, lame.
posted by Mo Nickels at 4:05 PM on April 11, 2007

I get it! I totally would have laughed if I was smarter and I didn't need it explained to me. Thanks!
posted by Kwine at 4:13 PM on April 11, 2007

OL!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:31 PM on April 11, 2007

"a full two-thirds who are illiterate or insane"

Hey! My folks wuz married 7 years before I was born!

Oh wait, s/he did say "OR"....
posted by davy at 4:44 PM on April 11, 2007

Like I said, lame.
posted by Mo Nickels

Even the Double-Tounged Word Wrestler sometimes gets pinned. Or pwned. Whatever.
posted by wendell at 6:34 PM on April 11, 2007

Stavros: If you're curious, SA has a word filter for people who read the forums but do not have an account or are not logged in. So "shit" becomes "poo poo", "ass" becomes "read end", and amongst others "fucking" becomes "loving". So I apologise for ruining the "loving dipshit" enigma for you but I guess 5% of us are just plain old fucking dipshits.
posted by lazywhinerkid at 7:10 PM on April 11, 2007

or loving dip poo poos.
posted by wendell at 7:57 PM on April 11, 2007

MetaFilter: 5% total loving dip poo poos
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:03 PM on April 11, 2007

Stavros: If you're curious, SA has a word filter

Heh. I remember YAMSYAMSYAMS-filter from days of yore, and I knew about 'rediculous', but I didn't know about the others. I pretty much limit my gooning to SH/SC and Games these days, so I've never noticed the other ones.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:17 AM on April 12, 2007

Is this where the tender Skot-loving is going down?
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:51 PM on April 12, 2007

Hey, has anyone seen my goddamn jock?
posted by rodii at 1:58 PM on April 12, 2007

I just saw some dick running around in it a minute ago...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:43 PM on April 12, 2007

It is majestic when members of the Cabal™ descend from their mountain fastness far above the fray and appear to us in human guise, reminding the merely mortal that our struggles are not in vain, that yes, there is an internet Life Eternal and a Better Place where our good deeds will be rewarded, and that the travails that make up the nasty, brutish, painfully short existence of the ordinary MeFite are seen, are cherished, and are blessed, like the fall of every leaf and each thrilling beat of the heart in every sparrow's chest.

It is reassuring to me.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:57 PM on April 12, 2007