starring Matt Haughey

December 8, 2001 10:15 PM

Haughey stood at the massive glass windows of his permanent residence at the W Hotel on Third and Howard in San Francisco. He'd had the top three floors made into a single towering space with 40-foot ceilings. The elevator flowed to a smooth stop in the center of the space he shared with his wife, Kay, who was now standing near the Henry Moore reclining nude eating a pomegranate. "What's the weather," she asked, although she could see perfectly well what the weather was. After all, those were some big fucking windows.

posted by mrbula to MetaFilter-Related at 10:15 PM (26 comments total)

Holy linkchronicity!^*
posted by tamim at 10:34 PM on December 8, 2001

so, is it me, or does lance have a disturbing fascination with mathowie?
posted by moz at 12:04 AM on December 9, 2001

WTF? Is this supposed to be "funny", an homage, insulting, or just mindless? I don't get it.
posted by davidmsc at 12:32 AM on December 9, 2001

it's Lance, writing. It is what it is. If you ask me, it's pretty goddamned funny too. Of course, Lance takes a little too much literary license with this one. Everyone in the story but Kay was aggrandized. She's a much larger presence in real life, and I'm just thankful that she keeps me around.
posted by fooljay at 12:38 AM on December 9, 2001

Sounds to me like he has been reading too many bad novels.....the Bunny was not impressed.

Poor matthowie.
posted by bunnyfire at 12:43 AM on December 9, 2001

We're all going to look back and blame Lance for starting the matt-slash fiction craze that is being written right now all over the world.

Err, not by me of course.
posted by skallas at 12:53 AM on December 9, 2001

[...]Kay, who was now standing near the Henry Moore reclining nude eating a pomegranate.

Am I the only one who wondered whether Henry Moore's 'Reclining Nude Eating a Pomegranate' looks anything like his plain ol' 'Reclining Nude'?

I know, I know - I'm just saying...

(Worst case: I fumbled an intentional subtle-funny.)
posted by Opus Dark at 5:55 AM on December 9, 2001

Just silly. And I hate that stalking sidebar, which has a proper webby name but, unlike the thing it describes, escapes me.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:59 AM on December 9, 2001

"Unlike Lance, Matt was as far from pathetic as one was likely to find." That's true!
posted by Carol Anne at 7:11 AM on December 9, 2001

At last! I finally have a project for that copy of Flash that's been collecting dust on my shelf for the past 6 months. Now, first I'll need some raw materials...
posted by dlewis at 7:17 AM on December 9, 2001

"Matt Haughey was the most powerful man on the Internet..."

Tom Servo: I thought that was Kibo.

"Matt's success was linked not to the financial success but to the real bloodstream that kept the humming network running.."

Tom: Viagra?

Joel Robinson: Oh hush.

"..namely the flow of information..."

Crow T Robot: I got yer flow of information right here, pal!

"...What amazed him most was the ease with which it had all happened. He knew that power brought with it responsibility, but he'd worry about that when the time came..."

Tom: "With great power comes great responsibility!"

Crow: I think his spidey-sense is a tingling.

"Haughey stood at the massive glass windows of his permanent residence at the W Hotel on Third and Howard in San Francisco..."

Joel: In the buff!

Tom & Crow: Ewwwww!

"He'd had the top three floors made into a single towering space with 40-foot ceilings..."

Crow: Put some pants on! Or at least forty foot curtains!

Tom: Heh. More like three inches.

Crow: For the windows!?

Tom: Oh.

"The elevator flowed to a smooth stop in the center of the space he shared with his wife, Kay, who was now standing near the Henry Moore reclining nude eating a pomegranate..."

Joel: And she's not in the nude. Even the painting's nude but she's not?

Tom: What a gip!

Crow: Is this supposed to be art, Joel?

Joel: What the painting or the film?

Tom: It's not a film. We're MSTing a *ack!* A webpage! ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd!

Crow: Uh, Joel? Talk Tom down!

Joel: It's okay honey at least it's not Pod People.

Tom: No man, this is worse!

"He felt a chill of something like pride run through him..."

Crow: Then it ran down his leg.

"If they want to look, they can damn well look. I'm just a guy in my own home looking out my window. Is there some law against that..?"

Crow: Not yet.

Joel: Tom calm down! Breathe!

Tom: I'm a bot! Bot's don't breathe!

Joel: Then stop hovering all over the screen.

Tom: I'm trying to hide the naughty bits for the good folks at home!

"So, you're showing them the whole picture now..?"

Joel, Tom & Crow: NO!!!

"He twisted to consider it, the rounded glory of it. "It's a nice ass..."

Crow: Yeah if you like donkeys.

Tom: This is gonna turn into a snuff film, I just know it!

Joel: Now Tom, The mads wouldn't do that to us.

"His wife was a genius. Certified. The certificate was, in fact, hanging in the bedroom..."

Crow: Right next to the portrait of a nude eating walnuts.

"He might be the one making the magazine covers, getting the CNNFN interviews, talking shit with Barbara Walters before or after the Oscars (depending on one's time coordinates in relation to the live broadcast)..."

Tom: What's a webpage guy doing at the Oscars?

Joel: This is just fiction, Tom.

Tom: Oh. Well, I knew dat.

(indeed, the only member of the group getting more press was Halcyon, who lived under constant public scrutiny and was some sort of sex god or self-proclaimed orgasmic deity..."

Crow: I thought that was Kibo?

Tom: I already did that one!

"..but she was the one who had designed it all, the power behind the throne, the true brains of the plan. Indeed, it was she who had made the introductions between Matt and Lance and Jason and Leslie and all the other members of the A-List."

Crow: A-List? They mean Sinatra, Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.?

Joel: No that's Ocean's Eleven. A different film.

Tom: What? You mean Clooney, Pitt, Damon and Roberts?

"She had not only started the ball rolling, she had greased the tracks to make it spin so fast that it seemed to pass through all barriers as if it were made of air..."

Joel: And that became the train wreck which is this film.

Tom: It's not a film! It's a webpage!

"She brushed back her long, straight auburn hair and pushed her glasses up her nose, looking up at him - for he stood nearly as tall as The Veen - and tilted her head slightly. He smiled to her, his face showing none of the various cosmetic surgeries that had repaired the damage done during his years on the BMX pro circuit...

Crow: Gee really? I couldn't tell.

Joel: That's plastic surgery?

Tom: He must've called Michael Jackson's people.

Crow: No, then he'd have no nose.

Joel: That's a nose?

"...(headers into the boards was one thing, but how he had managed to use his face to slow himself down so often defied explanation) and he laughed slightly. "And then some," he said..."

Tom: Wow so it's been a long time think it's almost over?

Joel: Actually we're only about five minutes into it.

Crow: This is a buck hunt man! A real buck hunt!

Tom: Game over man! Game over!

"What, you mean this old thing?" She reached down and grasped him forcibly. He arched up onto his toes and allowed a little wheeze from his lungs.
"Don't tease," he chided.
"If I were teasing, I'd do this." Her grip adjusted. He sucked in a breath.

Crow: Joel this is turning into a porn flick!

Joel: Doctor Forrester have you no sense of decency!?
posted by ZachsMind at 7:34 AM on December 9, 2001

i guess it was an okay read. i was more interested in that his sidebar now works in my opera.
posted by lotsofno at 9:14 AM on December 9, 2001

I thought it was fretty pucking hilarious.

But then, I also thought ^^^ that was funny.
posted by Hildago at 9:19 AM on December 9, 2001

lotsofno, I was really happy to see that. Concerte proof of progress. :-)
posted by fooljay at 11:39 AM on December 9, 2001

I like Glassdog. I really do. But flowery writing schtick has pummeled my tastes elsewhere.
posted by holloway at 1:42 PM on December 9, 2001

Yeah, I hate it when Lance holds a gun to my head and makes me read AND like what he writes...

I wonder why people feel the need to publically denigrate someone else's creativity? Particularaly when others appreciate it and the creation doesn't hurt/affect anyone else...

Hmmmm
posted by fooljay at 3:41 PM on December 9, 2001

I wonder why people feel the need to publically denigrate someone else's creativity? Particularaly when others appreciate it and the creation doesn't hurt/affect anyone else...

Because if it sucks it's OK to publically denigrate it.

(not to infer that Lance sucks. I'm just going with the badly thoughtout abstract concept thing that fooljay started.)
posted by holloway at 4:55 PM on December 9, 2001

Badly thought out abstract concept?

1) It's not badly thought out
2) It's not abstract but in fact very concrete and real.
3) It's not really a concept, it's an action that I'm pondering

Holloway, my post was not in response to yours, so I'm not sure why you now feel the need to be derogatory.

Anyway, my point is that I know you're all being protective and that's really sweet, but you do realize that Matt and Lance are friends, right?

There's really no need for Angry Mob Justice here.
posted by fooljay at 5:06 PM on December 9, 2001

Damn... Lane forgot to move the DNS over... *grumble*
posted by fooljay at 5:06 PM on December 9, 2001

I like Matt, I like Lance, I'm gonna do the glassdog dance!

*shuffles semi-rhythmically off the stage....*
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:33 PM on December 9, 2001

Of course what's really interesting is that there really is a larger-than-life reclining nude on the edge of the roof of the XYZ restaurant (part of the W Hotel, as everyone knows). (You can see it from parts of Yerba Buena, and from the sidewalk on 3rd (the Y.B. side, better than the XYZ/SFMoMA side).)

Also, Lance already seems to have replaced his Haughey-piece with newer writing.
posted by mattpfeff at 8:43 PM on December 9, 2001

stavrosthewonderchicken ladies and gentlemen!

One hand hitting the other makes a very nice noise for our far east poultry friend!

wooo!
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:06 PM on December 9, 2001

Frankly, I didn't think it was all that great. "The elevator flowed to a smooth stop in the center of the space he shared with his wife"? Someone, please, hire Lance an editor.
posted by eoz at 11:11 PM on December 9, 2001

Someone, please, hire Lance an editor.

half of us here are webloggers. i'm sure a great deal of us have done worse.
posted by lotsofno at 8:24 AM on December 10, 2001

I like it.
posted by Jeremy at 10:30 AM on December 10, 2001

i printed this page then shredded it and put the confetti in the litter box. mastermind the large kitty was not amused and took a dump on the keyboard again. when will i learn that masterminds' taste in literature has matured over the years?
posted by Mack Twain at 10:32 AM on December 10, 2001