Coming out of the MetaCloset

MeFi Meetup Q: have you ever run into someone you know? How do you deal with someone reconciling your online and offline persona?

I've never been to a Meetup but am seriously contemplating it.

It just occurred to me though that there's stuff I've revealed about myself online that I wouldn't necessarily reveal to most friends or acquaintances in person. You know, the whole anonymity thing bringing down barriers, etc.

I'm ok with MeFites that I don't know putting a face to my name. I'm not so OK with running into an existing friend or acquaintance, and that person then looking up everything I've posted on MeFi. It's not so much the "embarrassing" posts where I sound like an idiot (of which there are plenty), but rather some very personal stuff (dealing with family trauma, general insecurities and angst about life, etc).

How have you dealt with this?

posted by randomstriker to MetaFilter-related at 2:43 PM (53 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

Socketpuppet account for meetups?
posted by exogenous at 2:51 PM on September 9, 2007

I mostly just avoid the morass of sincerity and sharing that is AskMe.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:00 PM on September 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Never been to a Metafilter meet-up, though I've been to some other, local meet-ups and many a BDSM gathering. At one of the latter, this guy showed up: He was a friend I'd known since I was eight. We used to play with G.I. Joe action figures together.

That was a little weird, but I adjusted.
posted by Clay201 at 3:05 PM on September 9, 2007

I seem to recall a really hilarious thread where a guy 'fessed up to attending a meetup under a sockpuppet name ... I think because he was scared of / worried about people's reactions if they knew his "main" identity on Metafilter. I don't recall if he was outed at the meetup, or if people pieced it together later, but it was an interesting thread.

(I am remembering this all very vaguely, but I am sure someone else will know the thread I am talking about.)
posted by jayder at 3:06 PM on September 9, 2007

(I am remembering this all very vaguely, but I am sure someone else will know the thread I am talking about.)

I think it involved someone that was a good contributor to Mefi and resulted in hurt feelings and recriminations, if we are thinking of the same thing.
posted by Falconetti at 3:19 PM on September 9, 2007

Many respondents to the MetaFIlter quiz solved this possible problem by lying. YMMV.
posted by Cranberry at 3:20 PM on September 9, 2007

I think it involved someone that was a good contributor to Mefi and resulted in hurt feelings and recriminations, if we are thinking of the same thing.

Yeah, if we're thinking about the same thing, it was less "hilarious" and more sad and strange.
posted by puke & cry at 3:23 PM on September 9, 2007

I mostly just avoid the morass of sincerity and sharing that is AskMe.

Well it's a bit late for that.
posted by randomstriker at 3:23 PM on September 9, 2007

I know.

*Resumes looking up everything randomstriker has posted on MetaFilter*

And while the meet-up sockpuppet (meet-puppet?) thing was before my time, the curious can find it by googling around. That said, it's probably best to leave it be.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:29 PM on September 9, 2007

Grow up and realize most people don't care about you that much?
posted by Eideteker at 3:30 PM on September 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm not so OK with running into an existing friend or acquaintance, and that person then looking up everything I've posted on MeFi.

I think the chances of this are slim. I have heard of several Mefites running into people they've known in "real life" at a meetup (perhaps one will show up and share their story), and past the "OMG YOU'RE ON MEFI TOO", nobody seems too freaked out about it. I meet loads of people at meetups, and I don't immediately go home and read all they've written on Metafilter. Because I really don't care. That wasn't the point of going to the meetup.

On preview, what Eideteker said. What's the worst that could happen? And how many random forces have to come together for that worst-case scenario to happen? Anyone you run into at a meetup is on this site, too, and probably has a few secrets of their own.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:37 PM on September 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you run into someone you know, don't tell anyone your username.
posted by smackfu at 3:48 PM on September 9, 2007

How have you dealt with this?

My general approach is security through obscurity, otherwise known as "feel free to bore yourself to death with the minutae of my life, relative stranger." I figure even if a pretty dedicated person wanted to read everything about me on AskMe, they'd tire out after the first thousand comments or so. And anyone who would delve to that level... well they're obviously the ones with the problem, don't you think? I ran into someone I went to high school with in MeTa last week and it was sort of great and not at all weird.
posted by jessamyn at 3:52 PM on September 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I really need more information to google properly.
posted by who squared at 3:57 PM on September 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

gotta say the one time I've been to a meetup i had trouble remembering any names to go home and checkout their embarrassing secrets. Honestly I doubt this a problem that should keep you from forming real life connections with people.
posted by edgeways at 4:28 PM on September 9, 2007

As long as you don't wear the pink jeans, you should be ok.
posted by footnote at 4:59 PM on September 9, 2007

And don't bring up that deal from summer camp, I finally got through paying my therapist bill on that one.
posted by marxchivist at 5:05 PM on September 9, 2007

If you care that much, you shouldn't go to meetups.

Remember that there are often photos taken at meetups, and those photos are consequently later posted online and linked to from MeTa. The association between your username and your face will be inscribed ever after in the annals of the internet. If that's really too much for you to deal with, then stay at home. Or you can always take comfort in the fact that nobody really cares.

There was a meetup in NYC about a year or so ago, where this one girl went around introducing herself only by her real name. She said she had a username, but refused to say what it was. I thought that was really, really uncool. Don't be like that. Everyone at a meetup is implicitly taking the same risks you're talking about. Join in or don't don't do it.
posted by bingo at 5:24 PM on September 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Funny story. I've met UbuRoivas at a couple Sydney MeFi meetups over the past year. Six months ago my husband and I went to a going away party for one of his friends, who was leaving on a long cycling trip across Europe with his girlfriend. I was standing at the bar waiting for a beer... when suddenly Ubu appeared. Turns out out friend's girlfriend was his sister. Small world, huh? It was a little awkward because other people (including his family) noticed we knew each other, and we had to explain it was because of "some website." I didn't even know his actual name! The Muggles were amused.
posted by web-goddess at 5:48 PM on September 9, 2007

What Jessamyn said. I had a situation where friends of mine, who knew I read MeFi, magically figured out my user name here and as casual readers would occasionally comment on things I had written here. It felt invasive at first but then I didn't really care all that much. I've also brought friends along to meetups and the worlds colliding wasn't the end of the world.

Go to the meetup. They are fun. Meet some Mefites, maybe leave your other peeps at home as they won't get the in-jokes and suchlike. The odds of running into a meatspace friend are fairly low, and if you do - who cares? Someone who would go through and systematically read all of your user activity is probably either a) in love with you or b) a stalker. Either way that's kind of flattering.
posted by SassHat at 5:50 PM on September 9, 2007

I went to a meetup for another, non-MeFi context, and it was definitely weird. This one guy was pretty tough online, would sort of tear you a new one constantly. Then I met him in person and he was a totally nice guy, not at all like his online persona. After that, I never took any of his pointed barbs seriously at all.

So if you've spent a long time building up a rep online, do not blow your cover.

Of course, my trick is, um, to pretty much be the same person online as I am in person. That way, no surprises and nothing to be ashamed about. I'm sure that there are some posts that I wish I could delete, but that pales in comparison to the dumb things my mouth has uttered in the real world.
posted by Deathalicious at 5:52 PM on September 9, 2007

Oh and I actually know one fairly active member of MeFi -- knew them before I saw them here, actually. They are also very similar to their posted persona. It's cool to see what they write and to be able to attach a real face to it.
posted by Deathalicious at 5:54 PM on September 9, 2007

Having my username tattooed across my forehead has really stuffed up keeping things anonymous in meatspace for me.
posted by gomichild at 5:56 PM on September 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

There was another, genuinely funny time at a Portland meetup when alan pretended to not know what mefi was for a good hour or something. The ass.

If you're really worried about a connection between your mefi id and reality, just claim you're a lurker (and promise enthusiastically to sign up for an account when people bug you to do so) and ride it out that way.

I have the same general perspective as Jessamyn: just be yourself and don't spend your time worrying about the weird Venn intersection of (a) person you happen to know who (b) will proceed thereafter to read your entire commenting history and then (c) will have some sort of uncivil reaction to the contents thereof. That's a one in a million, and even then it's a one in a million asshole, so fuck 'em.

Just go and have a good time and don't sweat bullshit that hasn't happened yet and probably never will.
posted by cortex at 6:07 PM on September 9, 2007

MeFi was barely real to me until I went to meetups. Knowing real MeFites is wonderful. If for no other reason, the sudden undeniable awareness that those cute usernames are real, warm-blooded people may make your comments more thoughtful.

And just for the record, I've never really mined anyone's comment history after meeting them, though meeting them certainly makes their subsequent comments more interesting for me to read.
posted by Miko at 6:12 PM on September 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

MeFi Meetup Q: have you ever run into someone you know? How do you deal with someone reconciling your online and offline persona?

I have them killed.
posted by Pastabagel at 6:13 PM on September 9, 2007 [3 favorites]

Back in the early 90s I was an op in an IRC channel that held meet-ups in various cities. There was always a core set of regulars with new people added each time. Orlando was fun. New Orleans was wicked. The last one I was involved with was in 97 in Vegas at the wedding of a couple that met on the channel. It was always a great time and with the normal few exceptions the people were as fun as their nicks online personality.
posted by hal9k at 6:25 PM on September 9, 2007

Heh: web-goddess beat me to the story.

The coincidental meeting took place at an old lawn-bowls club that had been taken over by Sydney's German community social club. On a sunday evening, there was nobody there but a few rotund, beer-swilling men in lederhosen, plus a group of inner-city hipster types.

Mr & Mrs web-goddess didn't look much like they belonged to the sauerkraut-und-bratwurst contingent...

It turned out OK in the end - I told my family that web-goddess & I had met on an 'adult website', and they didn't see fit to continue that line of questioning any futher.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:14 PM on September 9, 2007

I yams what eye ams. I don't post anything here that my RL friends would find the least bit surprising, and I don't try to hide my identity much, either. I'd be overjoyed to find out someone I knew was also a Metafilter member -- I like having friends that I know in both spheres, online and real life. Why do the two have to be firewalled off? There's about 100 members of The Lifeboat (forum) -- we mostly all filtered there from Mac News Network, and now the majority of us have met one or more members in real life, and we've had some kick-ass gatherings. The last one lasted five days. I've made life-long friends out of a good many of them.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:29 PM on September 9, 2007

WHAT? Now your parents think I'm a SWINGER or something?? Oh, good grief. :)
posted by web-goddess at 7:39 PM on September 9, 2007

See, randomstriker, nothing to worry about!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:51 PM on September 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I spray ink and flee the scene.
posted by cog_nate at 8:31 PM on September 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Pretend to be mathowie. Everyone will know it's not you, but no one will question you over it, fearing that they just might be wrong and not wishing to offend our dear leader in case of banhammer.

Not that Matt would do that. That's left to cortex.
posted by djgh at 8:35 PM on September 9, 2007

... those cute usernames are real, warm-blooded people ...
No wai!
posted by dg at 8:37 PM on September 9, 2007

those cute usernames are real, warm-blooded people

I am cold-blooded. Waiting, I lurk. That NYC location in my profile? It's real. But I'm in the sewers. Under Google Maps.
posted by nasreddin at 10:00 PM on September 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Learning to live in your own truth is a lifelong lesson (I'm still at the beginning). But bringing yourself to events where you attempt to make meaningful connections with people based on a common thread (Metafilter) will exercise that in a very healthy way. Especially if worlds collide.

If people want to get psycho on you, or use information they seek out against you, or simply scavenger your history, that is really, truly their problem and not yours. You be you. They deal with it. THAT'S how it works.

I recently went to my first meetup† and met someone who I had many, many people connections with already (including ex-employers, ex-friends, and ex-exes), and somebody else who I had been a del.icio.us friend with months previously, and somebody new to date. There were seven of us total. Proof that the world is very small.* Now you can go read my history and figure it all out. ;)

†It was an awesome meetup and everybody I met there was supercool.
*That's both good and bad. If you just accept all your 'personas', and all that you put out there in the world (real or virtual), even when they get all jumbled up, it'll inevitably be more good than bad.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:01 PM on September 9, 2007

iamkimiam: is an ex-ex somebody who you've gotten back together with? In which case, was your ex-ex two-timing you with this other mefite? That actually sounds kinda messy to me.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:59 PM on September 9, 2007

Ugh. God, hell no. That WOULD be messy. Two exes (aka, "ex-ex") does NOT a reunion make (the same way -1 + -1 ≠ 2)! There's nothing crazy to figure out here. I was just being consistent with my literary style (ex-employers, ex-friends, ex-exes)—I really should have written "ex-employers, ex-friends, ex-es". Basically, there was one person at the meetup who happened to know a lot of people from my past. It turned out to be kind of cool though.

I can see how an ex-ex could mean "somebody you've gotten back together with". But let me just say No and NO to both your questions.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to sort THAT out. Sheesh! :)
posted by iamkimiam at 11:14 PM on September 9, 2007

Nothing's weird unless you make it weird.

Like, I put my cock in Meatbomb's hand without blinking an eye, and told him it was just how we do things out on the West Coast. Bless his accented soul, he had no idea that I was from the Midwest.
posted by klangklangston at 11:28 PM on September 9, 2007 [5 favorites]

"I can see how an ex-ex could mean "somebody you've gotten back together with". But let me just say No and NO to both your questions."

The traditional response to ex-exes is "Oh! Oh!"
posted by klangklangston at 11:29 PM on September 9, 2007

Or the even more traditional "Uh-Oh"
posted by nenequesadilla at 12:09 AM on September 10, 2007

If you run into someone you know, don't tell anyone your username.

Whoops.
posted by deborah at 12:55 AM on September 10, 2007

I would think being busted at a meetup would be nothing to worry about. After all, you're busting them, too.

I do find that I'm reluctant to turn family and very close friends on to Mefi, and when I do, I intentionally fail to mention that I have a user name.

Why that is, I'm not sure.
posted by ctmf at 1:06 AM on September 10, 2007

Don't worry. There will be alcohol there.
posted by Football Bat at 2:18 AM on September 10, 2007

I met jacalanta a few months ago when passing on a camera for another Mefite's project (what happened to that anyway?). Turns out she actually knows a friend of mine.

mdonley's response to karcy's question cracked me up: he recommended me as a contact, and karcy just so happens to be a good friend. (I didn't point her to AskMefi though, she must have found it on her own.)
posted by divabat at 2:52 AM on September 10, 2007

Don't worry randomstriker; I'll only judge you by how you ski. And I'll leave your solvent abuse in the past. We'll get hammered at the GLC and I'll tell everyone my darkest secrets, deal?
posted by [expletive deleted] at 4:07 AM on September 10, 2007

I just discovered that another MeFI member here whose comments I had been reading has been a friend of mine for decades. Pretty cool, actually.
posted by sourwookie at 6:11 AM on September 10, 2007

Go to the meetup. They are fun. Meet some Mefites, maybe leave your other peeps at home as they won't get the in-jokes and suchlike. The odds of running into a meatspace friend are fairly low, and if you do - who cares?

Exactly.

I just discovered that another MeFI member here whose comments I had been reading has been a friend of mine for decades.

That's great—I'd love having something like that happen. (Tony? Is that you?)
posted by languagehat at 6:22 AM on September 10, 2007

Just before the last DC meetup, I discovered that I'd known another long-time member through channels completely separate from MetaFilter. That was cool--I knew him here, and I knew him there, but I'd never made the connection (nor had he).

Another time, I was actually recognized at a party. I was having a conversation with a guy about something I'd spoken about earlier in the day on MeFi, and he said, "hey, you're MrMoonPie!" That was groovy. My wife had something similar happen when we first started going out--she was talking to a friend of hers about me, and it turned out that friend was another active MeFite who knew who I was.

I've made some good IRL friends via MetaFilter, and I've invited lots of IRL friends to the site, so I'm frequently in the situation of having in-person discussions about MeFi.

Yeah, it can be a bit odd sometimes, but remember, you're dealing with other people in the same situation--they, too, may have revealed stuff about themselves they may not be comforatable with you knowing. So it all evens out, I say.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:23 AM on September 10, 2007

I wouldn't necessarily want my employer to see how many comments I make during work hours. It's a timezone thing, right?

I wouldn't necessarily want some family members to see some comments, although crazy people generally don't recognize themselves.

I wouldn't necessarily want my stalker, ex-bf, etc., to find me and cause problems.

I try to be myself and be honest, but MeFi is a popular site on the global internets. If you really need to be absolutely anonymous, start a sockpuppet account and use that for comments you don't want attached to your own name. Realistically, for most comments & posts, it doesn't matter, and you'll be happier at a meetup if you can be yourself.
posted by theora55 at 12:06 PM on September 10, 2007

I am so full of shit that I have been to two meetups, checked up the people, and left without introducing myself. I also met another mefite regularly in the streets and stores around my old apartment, without ever revealing my mefi identity.

Now at least 2 coworkers know my ID, an have read my comments. Hello to you :)

I am thinking about a new account just to build an intelligent and likable persona. Can you suggest a user name that may predispose people to like me?

Thank you.
posted by Dataphage at 2:01 PM on September 10, 2007

Coming out of the MetaCloset September 9, 2007 2:43 PM Subscribe

Coming out of the MetaCloset
September 9, 2007 2:43 PM Subscribe