Mom is waiting by the phone, hoping you'll call.

February 20, 2009 3:18 PM

Is everyone on this site an orphan?

I'm constantly amazed at the things people come here to ask, that their parents are going to know. Folks, ask your mom. She will not only give you good advice, but it will make her day.

posted by nax to MetaFilter-Related at 3:18 PM (186 comments total)

OMG OTHER PEOPLES LIVES ARE DIFFERENT THAN MINE AND THE IDEAS I HAVE TO RESOLVE A PROBLEM MAY NOT APPLY 100% TO THEM!
posted by Science! at 3:19 PM on February 20, 2009 [16 favorites]

exactly my point
posted by nax at 3:20 PM on February 20, 2009

The question is: Does everyone here have parents who are alive and able to answer questions?
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 3:21 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Did I miss the announcement that we get the img tag back if we break the record number of MetaTalk posts in one day?
posted by mesh gear fox at 3:23 PM on February 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yes. We also all have red afros, no pupils and dogs named Sandy.
posted by jonmc at 3:23 PM on February 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

Wait. I was trying to be mean. This isn't really something that a person should automatically ask one person (Mom) about. In this situation it's absolutely better to have a range of advice that the asker can take to his or her lawyer or insurance company and go from there.

Plus, a whole heck of a lot of people don't have moms anymore.
posted by Science! at 3:24 PM on February 20, 2009

At the moment I have about 130 pupils, at least according to the roster. You're welcome to as many as you can haul away.
posted by gleuschk at 3:24 PM on February 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

The real question here is: can I have some more gruel?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:26 PM on February 20, 2009

Yes. We also all have red afros, no pupils and dogs named Sandy.

That was so fucked when they gave her pupils in the movie version.
posted by gman at 3:28 PM on February 20, 2009

They did? I have no pupils, so I couldn't tell.
posted by jonmc at 3:29 PM on February 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

I think nax may be feeling slighted because she's Sammy Iva's mom.

At least, that's how I read it.

I suppose I could be wrong, but this is exactly the kind of thing my mom would post in MeTa if I put a question in AskMe instead of asking her first.

That is, if my mom was a member of the site.

Which she isn't, I don't think.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 3:29 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's ASK Metafilter. It's for ASKING QUESTIONS. What do you not understand about that?
posted by bunnycup at 3:30 PM on February 20, 2009 [7 favorites]

Hahahaha. If you ask MY mom, she'll give you excellent advice, but when you follow it, she'll say she wouldn't have done it like that, and when you say, "But... that's what you TOLD me to do!" she'll say, "You have a very convenient memory," which will piss you off because she ALWAYS does that, and you tell her that, but then she'll break down and say she's a terrible mother but she's tried her best, and she'll say you're ungrateful, and then you hang up on her, and she tells your dad to tell you to never speak to her again, but she adds that you should still speak to your dad because he loves you, and then several years later, your aunt's like, "Why don't you ever speak to your mom? She says you never call her," and...
posted by katillathehun at 3:30 PM on February 20, 2009 [64 favorites]

Folks, ask your mom. She will not only give you good advice, but it will make her day.

Mothers vary.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:30 PM on February 20, 2009 [10 favorites]

SammyIva, sorry. How'd that space get in there?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 3:30 PM on February 20, 2009

What if:

-SammyIva has no mother
-If she does, maybe her mother has never owned a car, or had car insurance, or driven a car
-What if her mother is in the hospital and can't give an answer?
-What if she hasn't talked to her mother in years
-What if she hates her mother?

I could keep going with the what ifs. You never know a person's life so never assume that they have a mother waiting by the phone to answer a question.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:35 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

I would ask my mom, but I'd have to take my penis out of her mouth in order to hear the response, and that's just not going to happen.

wait a second, I think I did something wrong there
posted by mesh gear fox at 3:36 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

jonmc on MetaTalk. What's with the suit, dude?
posted by gman at 3:36 PM on February 20, 2009

I would ask my mom, but I'd have to take my penis out of her mouth in order to hear the response, and that's just not going to happen.

Ho.lee.shit, dude.
posted by gman at 3:36 PM on February 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

If I asked my mom she'd be all like "is this something about your internet job?" and I'd be like "no Mom" and then she'd go "hey we're having burritos, come over for dinner" and I'd be all "shit yes, burritos" and then dersins would make a joke about her.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:43 PM on February 20, 2009 [11 favorites]

YMMV

(Your Mother May Vary)
posted by amtho at 3:43 PM on February 20, 2009 [6 favorites]

Ha ha Burritos. Make up some more crazy stuff cortex.
posted by Science! at 3:44 PM on February 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

Your mom.
posted by Sailormom at 3:45 PM on February 20, 2009

"Hi, Mom? I was hoping you could help me with a little something. I was in a little accide—"

"WHAT?! Are you okay? Are you in the hospital?"

"Yeah. I mean, no, I'm not hurt. So it's just a little scrat—"

"A scratch? How deep is it? Can you see bone? Honey, go to a doctor right now, you need stitches! But don't go to the poor hospital, it's crawling with drug-resistant bacteria!"

"Mother. No. Listen. It was just a little scratch to a truck's paintjob in a parking lot. Just a little bump. So do I nee—"

"A bump? A BUMP? You need to get your neck checked. Whiplash. Soft tissue trauma. My friend Cynthia, her nephew's a chiropractor in L.A. I'll call her right now and she'll call him and you'll have an appointment first thing tomorrow. He's such a good boy."

Fuck, I should have just asked MetaFilter. "No, mom. Don't call Cynthia. Just... just. Never mind. Hey, how's Dad?"
posted by CKmtl at 3:47 PM on February 20, 2009 [25 favorites]

Actually, my mom died in June. But I like to think if she were alive today, she’d say, “Fuck you, nax.” Mom had such a way with words, you see.
posted by melissa may at 3:51 PM on February 20, 2009 [35 favorites]

As a matter of fact, my mother is dead, but thanks for the reminder that she's no longer here to give me good advice and that I can't make her day anymore simply by picking up the phone. I'm off to call my father now instead: everyone be well while I'm away.
posted by roombythelake at 3:51 PM on February 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

If I asked my mom she'd be all like "is this something about your internet job?" and I'd be like "no Mom" and then she'd go "hey we're having burritos, come over for dinner" and I'd be all "shit yes, burritos" and then dersins would make a joke about her.

lolcortex'smom
posted by dersins at 3:52 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

also, lolcoretex'smom'sburritosiykwimaityd
posted by dersins at 3:53 PM on February 20, 2009

(Heh. After I bump fists with melissa may, that is.)
posted by roombythelake at 3:53 PM on February 20, 2009

You'all didn't spring fully formed from the brow of Zeus? Weird.


Questions I could ask My Mother and expect a detailed, accurate answer:

1) What Realatives Are Good For a Loan?
2) How Do I Re-Heat This?
3) What Are The Best Hangover Cures?
4) How Much Of A Bastard Was Mojo Nixon?
5) What Was L. A Really Like in the 70s?
6) When Do You Know You've Done Too Much Coke?
7) What's the best Led Zepplin Album?
8) Does This Look Infected To You?
posted by The Whelk at 3:59 PM on February 20, 2009 [14 favorites]

There is a mother in my "family," (not mine but one of someone very close to me) that is pretty much known for habitually giving the worst, most self-absorbed, useless advice ever. She can sometimes be consulted just to see what she says so that exactly the opposite course of action can be taken.
posted by mrmojoflying at 3:59 PM on February 20, 2009

Yes. We also all have red afros, no pupils and dogs named Sandy.

That was so fucked when they gave her pupils in the movie version.

Ah, poor ol' Sandy Duncan's glass eye. Mmmm...now I'm craving some Wheat Thins.
posted by ericb at 3:59 PM on February 20, 2009

I'm pretty sure my mom would say "it's always a good idea to get a police report and report the accident to the insurance company" but she doesn't have a driver's license, insurance or a car. She is pretty practical, though.
posted by fixedgear at 4:01 PM on February 20, 2009

My mom can beat up cortex's mom.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:02 PM on February 20, 2009

Combine how ugly I am with the way my mother dressed me and I'm not asking her shit.
posted by gman at 4:05 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

My mom is 93.



I guess I'd better hurry up and ask her if I'm an orphan.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:09 PM on February 20, 2009

Yes I am an orphan. Does that mean I get a free pass to use Ask Metafilter?
posted by gomichild at 4:09 PM on February 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

My mom doesn't know shit. I would never ask her for advice.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:09 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hey. The Whelk must be one of my kids.
posted by readery at 4:13 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Constant amazement isn't really such a bad way to go through life; well, until the drugs wear off, at least.
posted by Abiezer at 4:19 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

I asked my mom, but just started screaming that I didn't need to declaw a cat, that I didn't even own a cat. I wore a mask and asked again as a sock puppet, but somehow she could tell it was me and permabanned me from the basement.
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 4:27 PM on February 20, 2009 [8 favorites]

I remember the time I called my mum to tell her that I had to have hernia surgery:

Mother: "No, you don't need surgery."

Me: "I'm pretty sure I do. The surgeon said so. It hurt when he touched my... never mind it hurt. A lot. That means I have a hernia."

Mother: "No, you don't need surgery. You've always been healthy."

Two Days Later

Mother: "I spoke to my brother's wife. She's a medic, she says that you don't need surgery, just wear something tight and it'll be ok."

Me: "That's not an option. Also your brother's wife is a neurologist."

Mother: "You don't need surgery. Is this because you used to smoke? How long have you had it?"

Me: "I don't know. Years, maybe since birth."

Mother: "Oh my God it's all my fault." Cries.

Me: "Oh Christ, it's not your fault, it's just one of those things."

Mother puts phone down in tears.

I have the surgery, I recuperate.

Me: "So, I'm feeling much better"

Mother: "Good, I'm glad. You really needed the surgery."
posted by ob at 4:29 PM on February 20, 2009 [9 favorites]

I guess I should call nax's mom, because my mom gives pretty bad advice.
posted by Quietgal at 4:30 PM on February 20, 2009

I'd like to use my mom's advice, but jessamyn keeps deleting her answers.
posted by mullacc at 4:32 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

yeah, I bet my mom would really love it if I asked her my dumb questions at two a.m.
posted by krautland at 4:33 PM on February 20, 2009

<>

Did it work?
posted by filthy light thief at 4:35 PM on February 20, 2009

clearly, no
posted by filthy light thief at 4:36 PM on February 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

Man, I'm really glad my mom isn't totally crazy. When I got in accident, I did call her to find out what to do.

Other people's situations are different though. Even my feeble mind grasps this.
posted by !Jim at 4:36 PM on February 20, 2009

The last time I asked my mom if it was OK to eat something, I got violently sick.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 4:43 PM on February 20, 2009

I asked your mother, but all she could talk about was how old, fat, stank and promiscuous she was.
posted by klangklangston at 4:48 PM on February 20, 2009 [8 favorites]

Promiscuous Mom is a good band name.
posted by ob at 4:50 PM on February 20, 2009

I called my mom to ask her for advice on what to write on this thread about asking your mother for advice*, and this is what she said.

"[Laughs.] Well, I don't give advice on the spur of the moment. It takes me a while -- you ask me a question, I give you a simple answer, then I think some more, then I call you back, add to it, the I call you back and add some more. [laughs] That's the advice I give, because..."

[this goes on for a while, but my typing can't keep up, then]

"...I give you advice, but it's kind of a long, drawn-out process. You probably don't ever watch the Bonnie Hunt show, do you? She's one of six kids, and every week her mother is on the show, once a week, and she's just your basic mother, so she makes everyone hysterical with her advice, and it's all common sense, and people get to write and ask her mom questions..."

[this goes on for a while, but my typing can't keep up, then]

"...so, uh. [Changes the subject and starts talking about my sister.]"

So I love her very much, but will continue to ask other people for useful answers.

*yes, really
posted by davejay at 4:59 PM on February 20, 2009 [20 favorites]

In the 1970s, my mother once heard a news story about the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks.

In all seriousness, she asked, "Why are we selling salt to the Russians? Can't they make their own salt? Don't they send people to the salt mines?"

My 8-year-old self died a little bit that day.

So, if you wanna ask this dipshit what you should do after a car accident ... Be. My. Guest.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:04 PM on February 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

Folks, ask your mom. She will not only give you good advice, but it will make her day.

Also, don't forget to floss. Not only will you save money at the dentist, you'll smile brighter too!
posted by salvia at 5:07 PM on February 20, 2009

Folks, ask your mom

Why all the hate for dads? It's bad that all we get is the big piece of chicken, but damn we can't even get a shout out in MetaTalk?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:09 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

Gosh, I would ask my mom, but she is way too busy. At 71 she has more of a social life than I ever dreamed of...prayer shawl meetings, health fair meetings, art classes, bible study, garden club meetings, choir practice, school volunteering, water aerobics, cooking classes. I'd call her right now but it is Friday night-- that means dinner and a movie with the girl friends. Sigh. I'm eating soup and watching netflix.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:09 PM on February 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

But my mom doesn't know about justfuckinggoogleit.com or lmgtfy.com so it's pretty obvious I'm better off with ask mefi.
posted by Mike1024 at 5:10 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mom, is this cancer?
posted by Mister_A at 5:12 PM on February 20, 2009

Folks, ask your mom. She will not only give you good advice, but it will make her day.

There are many reasons people flock to internet communities but bad/dangerous/toxic/negligent parenting is definitely one of them. If I have learned one thing on AskMe, besides the fact that I can now legally keep a prairie dog as a pet, it's this.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:18 PM on February 20, 2009 [9 favorites]

melissa may, I haven't laughed that hard all week. Thanks!
posted by Kwine at 5:18 PM on February 20, 2009

and I'm sorry about your mom.
posted by Kwine at 5:19 PM on February 20, 2009

Metafilter's way smarter than my mother!
posted by cowbellemoo at 5:31 PM on February 20, 2009

nax,

my mom gives bad advice. and I've stopped talking to your mom because of that "incident". damn she's a F-R-E-A-K!
posted by hal_c_on at 5:41 PM on February 20, 2009

Is everyone on this site an orphan?

Mom, are you drunk again?
posted by mediareport at 5:45 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

Metafilter: "Wait. I was trying to be mean."
posted by applemeat at 5:45 PM on February 20, 2009

I did ask my mom, but she got angry when I told her I ran into his office and took a photo of his browsing history, so I took it on here looking for a more sympathetic audience.
posted by fire&wings at 5:46 PM on February 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

I called up my mom and asked her what business was at this location because I haven't been out there lately.
posted by niles at 5:47 PM on February 20, 2009

I posted a comment in this askme earlier, and when I went back and read through more of the thread I thought, man, there's a lot of orphans and semi-orphans on mefi. I wonder how many?

And then I saw this meTa, and was like oh hey! Someone had the same thought!

Or not.
posted by rtha at 5:48 PM on February 20, 2009

I just got off the phone with my mom and she said to tell you "Tater."
posted by fixedgear at 5:49 PM on February 20, 2009 [8 favorites]

my mom gives bad advice. and I've stopped talking to your mom because of that "incident". damn she's a F-R-E-A-K!

Do tell, hal_c_on.
posted by gman at 5:50 PM on February 20, 2009

it's legal to keep a praire dog as a pet? hm.
posted by metastability at 5:57 PM on February 20, 2009

Me, I'd ask my mom because she's a smart, practical woman with a balance of street sense and logic. The problem is my Dad is also asking my Mom for advice. About a third of my college and high school friends still ask my Mom stuff. Plus, my sister and her 3 kids are in constantly pushing in the queue with questions. But that usually ends up with my sister not following Mom's advice and screwing things up and having to go back and ask my Mom again. Then my Mom gets pissy (I said she was smart, not perfect).

Really, I'd love for each of you to be able to ask my Mom stuff - maybe 1 question per month and I bet we'd all benefit. However, you've got to go to the end of the line, because she doesn't have time to help me so as it is.
posted by 26.2 at 6:08 PM on February 20, 2009

I'm too afraid to talk to or even interact with my mom. What if she knew about AskMefi and proceeded to tell everyone about my trips overseas and dietary issues and school plans. Or worse...what if she just complained about me to random strangers on the internet?
posted by aswego at 6:12 PM on February 20, 2009

i wish i could flag this post
posted by The_Auditor at 6:25 PM on February 20, 2009

My Mother?? Yeah, right. As if she'd tell me the best way to dispose of a corpse, or who'd be the likely victor in a clash between monkeys and bears.
posted by Smart Dalek at 6:26 PM on February 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

Monkeys, they fight dirty.
posted by 26.2 at 6:28 PM on February 20, 2009

My Mum is dead, and there are lots of things I would have liked to ask her, but it's too late now. Thanks for reminding me, you big jerk.

She is actually dead, but the "big jerk" part was purely in the interests of comedy
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:32 PM on February 20, 2009

Let me try that again.

If my Mum could answer any of those questions now, she would say:

"Why am I in this box? And why is it so dark in here?"
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:34 PM on February 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

How the hell is my mother going to answer my questions about Excel or file encryption or asp.net? She can barely use email.
posted by desjardins at 6:36 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

My mom is dead. My dad is dead too. Not only that, but I'm adopted, and my biological dad is dead, and my biological mom doesn't want to talk to me. Also all of my grandparents are dead.

You people are all I have. FEEL BAD FOR ME.

Truth is, though, even if Mom were alive I wouldn't ask her for advice. She'd just tell me to ask Jesus.

"Mom, do you think it's okay to eat five-day-old potato salad?"

"I don't know, honey - why don't you pray on it?"
posted by Evangeline at 6:38 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

I love my mother dearly but she is a dingbat and gives terrible advice.

Also, there are some things that you just can't ask your mother, or at least I wouldn't ask my mother. Here are some hypothetical examples:

1. What drugs help with heroin withdrawal?
2. How do I get my girlfriend/wife to give me head?
3. How do I get my bf/husband to stop asking for head?
4. What are the symptoms of:
   • Syphilis?
   • AIDS?
   • Alcoholism?
5. How can I get my mother to stop hitting on my friends?


6. I think my dad is cheating on my mom. What should I do?

posted by SteveTheRed at 6:39 PM on February 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Feel the force, Luke"

Was Obi Wan a dirty old man with a hankering for a certain young jedi?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:42 PM on February 20, 2009

Mom taught me:

How to shave

How to drive

What kind of condoms to buy

What was going to happen next when under the influence of...

All very important things for a young person.

Thanks Mom!
posted by atchafalaya at 6:46 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

When things like this question come up my mom calls me for advice. I hate being a grownup.
/not a "in Russia" joke
posted by Bango Skank at 6:49 PM on February 20, 2009

Heh, the last time I had any communication with my mother (about ten years ago) she said she would never forgive me for calling her out on her bad behaviour, and you want me to ask her for advice? Awesome. Oh, and by the way, my father died when I was 9 (does that make me an orphan now that my mother won't talk to me). 'Sides which, my mother used to tell me when I was a teen that smoking was safe, her father had smoked all his life and never died of lung cancer (I think it was bowel cancer that took him) and all those television ads were lies, and of course smoking was safe, otherwise they would have banned it. And me, I was fool enough to believe that and it took me a good ten years to realise that was wrong, and another ten to quit smoking. Oh why oh why can't we tag bad advice givers - like the OP up there. Now I have to go back through my old questions and see if I took any advice from Nax.
posted by b33j at 6:54 PM on February 20, 2009

In the 1970s, my mother once heard a news story about the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks.

In all seriousness, she asked, "Why are we selling salt to the Russians? Can't they make their own salt? Don't they send people to the salt mines?"

The Russians were putting too much salt in their food, causing high blood pressure and making them overexcited and thinking of launching thousands of nukes. So it made lots of sense to limit their salt. Mothers know these things.
posted by lukemeister at 6:56 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

On a clear autumn afternoon I went to the movies. As the credits rolled, I exited the theatre into the darkness of evening. Oh, and a blizzard. I got in the minivan I'd borrowed from my dad, took the backroads, and drove slow.

At the second intersection, I rear-ended a little Toyota. The Toyota sustained a slight scratch on the rear bumper; my dad's van sustained a significantly smooshed bumper, grille, hood, and fenders, and a dangling headlight.

We exchanged insurance info, because, duh, you're supposed to.

Apparently, though, you're also supposed to "report it to the police" and "wait for them" and "not just drive off in a severely damaged and questionably functional borrowed minivan out into the slippery, zero-visibility conditions and unfamiliar roads that contributed to the accident."

I know that now.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:00 PM on February 20, 2009

My mother?

Let me tell you about my mother.
posted by theroadahead at 7:02 PM on February 20, 2009 [6 favorites]

I don't have the same contempt for orphans as I do gingers.
posted by gman at 7:02 PM on February 20, 2009

I asked my mum. She told me I should DTMFA.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:07 PM on February 20, 2009

theroadahead, could you please tell us about your mother?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:09 PM on February 20, 2009

"I don't have the same contempt for orphans as I do gingers"

In my quick skim of the Recent Activity comments, my brain read that last bit with the first g and n swapped, and I thought, jeez, wow, he just comes out and says it, huh?
posted by klangklangston at 7:13 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

It had to do with that post from about a week ago, but dude, when I looked at it again after I typed it, I saw the same thing.
posted by gman at 7:14 PM on February 20, 2009

Folks, ask your mom. She will not only give you good advice, but it will make her day.

And then there are people to consult to ask about your mom. They'll not only give good advice, but it'll make their day.

They are called therapists.
posted by terranova at 7:15 PM on February 20, 2009

Ask mum? I try, but she and dad are usually quite busy taking care of & disciplining the other kids, so they can't always answer my questions. Sometimes cortex or vacapinta chip in and offer their advice instead, so it usually turns out OK in the end.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:20 PM on February 20, 2009

theroadahead, could you please tell us about your mother?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:09 PM

Are you asking me to describe in single words only the good things that come into my mind about her?
posted by theroadahead at 7:21 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

Sometimes cortex or vacapinta chip in and offer their advice instead, so it usually turns out OK in the end.

In the form of deletions?
posted by gman at 7:21 PM on February 20, 2009

Meatloaf and Bonnie Tyler should do a duet, or would the world simply run out of kitchen sinks?
posted by jonmc at 7:29 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

deletions? you must be talking about that penis thread. what is it still doing there?
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:36 PM on February 20, 2009

Are you asking me to describe in single words only the good things that come into my mind about her?

Good, bad, ugly -- you asked, so it's your party. But mainly, YES.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:52 PM on February 20, 2009

Well, the last time I brought the topic of my mother up here, people suggested a restraining order might not be a bad idea.

In my quick skim of the Recent Activity comments, my brain read that last bit with the first g and n swapped, and I thought, jeez, wow, he just comes out and says it, huh?

I must say, klang, I've not laughed that fucking hard in a LONG time. Thanks, I needed that.
posted by dancinglamb at 8:07 PM on February 20, 2009

I'd ask my mother, but she made me a weak and limited human so I erased her memories, killed all her friends, and then slept with her in an elaborate psychological torture to prove that I'm right.
posted by The Whelk at 8:13 PM on February 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

Dude, I is orphink, I like taters, why no?
posted by Mister_A at 8:31 PM on February 20, 2009

I would ask my mom, but I'd have to take my penis out of her mouth in order to hear the response, and that's just not going to happen.

So you're just too fucking lazy to teach her to sign? Kids these days.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:31 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

My mother was too drunk to be an astronaut.
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:36 PM on February 20, 2009

Cool Papa Bell writes "In all seriousness, she asked, 'Why are we selling salt to the Russians? Can't they make their own salt? Don't they send people to the salt mines?'"

Your mother was Roseanne Roseannadanna????
posted by orthogonality at 8:40 PM on February 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Whenever I ask my mother for advice, she usually says something like, "You're always getting yourself into scrapes. These kinds of things would never happen to you if you stayed home and did your laundry." She has a point. But scolding isn't really advice.
posted by *s at 8:55 PM on February 20, 2009

I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I watched her as she bled
Chewed off toes on her chopped off feet
I took a picture cause I thought it was neat
But the thing I like seeing the best
Was the rodents using her hair as a nest
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead.
posted by Sailormom at 9:40 PM on February 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

you must be talking about that penis thread. what is it still doing there?

Holding the penis closed, of course.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:55 PM on February 20, 2009

My mom said so.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:55 PM on February 20, 2009

I'm a mom. If anyone needs to know anything, just mefimail me.
posted by iconomy at 10:31 PM on February 20, 2009

dear iconomy,

why do you use a noun as a verb?

sincerely,
me
posted by hal_c_on at 10:47 PM on February 20, 2009

Your mother was Roseanne Roseannadanna????

You're thinking of Emily Litella, and I swear to God my mother said the same thing.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:08 PM on February 20, 2009

Your mother was Roseanne Roseannadanna????

You're thinking of Emily Litella, and I swear to God my mother said the same thing.

Your mother asked you if your mother was Roseanne Roseannadanna?

Also, <>insert some kind of penis joke here. Yes, intended>.
posted by Dunwitty at 12:29 AM on February 21, 2009

Lol. Meta provided the graphic, there. That was not me.
posted by Dunwitty at 12:30 AM on February 21, 2009

Dear hal_c_on,

Because I can, dear. So, would it kill you to call me once in a while?

Love,
Your MetaFilter Mom, iconomy
posted by iconomy at 12:44 AM on February 21, 2009

I'm so glad iconomy responded so sweetly to hal_c_on; I had been afraid of an iconomic meltdown.

hey iconomy, ask me about my stimulus package!

I just said that to a MOM. I'm going to hell.
posted by davejay at 1:13 AM on February 21, 2009 [3 favorites]

Yes, I am an orphan. My mother died 33 years ago tomorrow. I can't believe she was so selfish that she didn't bother leaving me a list of notes about what to do in certain situations. A flow chart would have been really useful, ya know. I suppose I should go write out a list if instructions for my daughter in case I keel over.
posted by goshling at 2:25 AM on February 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

In all seriousness:

I'm constantly amazed at the things people come here to ask, that their parents are going to know. Folks, ask your mom. She will not only give you good advice, but it will make her day.

Parents are cool, but they don't know everything. My parents wouldn't know jack shit about insurance, for instance.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:29 AM on February 21, 2009

So how come dad gets no love, huh? Is he patently unqualified to give advice? Or what about grandma? If mom is good with advice, grandma must be twice as reliable.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:41 AM on February 21, 2009

Is everyone on this site an orphan?

No, but apparently there's a fuck load of 'em.
posted by gman at 8:04 AM on February 21, 2009

I love my mom dearly but there's no way I'm gonna ask her if this whatchamacallit on my thingamajig means I've got the somethingsomething.
posted by tommasz at 8:18 AM on February 21, 2009

Just from the front page of AskMe RIGHT NOW, questions asked-- how many do you think mom can answer? POSSIBLE MOM ANSWERS IN CAPS.

February 21

Has anyone ever used a good Spanish text correction (not translation) service? I'd prefer to have my Spanish corrected by humans if possible, not software.

TAKE A BERLITZ.

I'd like to start an music blog, but don't want to irk musicians by sharing their music without their consent. Is there software out there that can quickly add some sort of sonic watermark to an mp3?

AREN'T WATERMARKS ON STATIONERY?

How can I get over this certain kind of "friends" anxiety? [more inside]

GET OUT MORE HONEY. GET SOME HOBBIES!


Can I scratch or otherwise harm my teeth by occasionally polishing them with bicarb soda? [more inside]

NO, WE USED TO USE ROCKS AND AND DIRT AND WE TURNED OUT FINE.

How Do I Get A Furniture Store To Pay Me? They offered me a $2000 refund if they didn't deliver furniture I ordered before an agreed upon date. They wrote a post-dated check to prove they would deliver or pay. But they didn't deliver, and the check bounced. [more inside]

i'LL GO TAKE CARE OF IT. WHAT'S THEIR ADDRESS?


How do I fix my Peugeot 306 D boot central locking problem. The cars central locking unlocks and locks fine with the key. This used too also unlock the boot however the boot now no longer unlocks and the 1 key i have has never been able to turn in the bootlock effectively meaning my boot no longer opens.

I KNOW A GREAT MECHANIC IN TOWN.

I am going to graduate soon with my BA in Linguistics. I am not planning to go to graduate school because of my department's issues and I'm quasi-singled out from the rat race. Other than being a translator, what can I possibly do? It seems that the very "underrated" field of studies called Linguistics (or any Liberal Arts stuffs) is an under-appreciated quality for a safe career.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! YOUR UNCLE HAS AN OPENING IN THE DELI, I'LL CALL HIM FOR YOU.


What options do I have for what seems like a sudden acute bursitis attack in my right shoulder? I'm in Toronto and have an appointment for my first cortisone shot Tuesday (I may be able to successfully beg a shot on Monday), but I don't know if I can wait that long for my clinic to open again. It hurts a lot and I can't even sleep through the night. It's been getting worse since waking up Friday morning, not better. [more inside]

COLD PACK, THEN HOT PAD, ASPIRINS AND I'LL BE OVER WITH SOUP LATER TODAY.

Tax preparer with experience helping self-employed folk, ideally in Portland, OR? [more inside]

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PORTLAND. IT'S RAINY THERE, RIGHT? WEAR YOUR GALOSHES!


Is there a website or other source that lists graduate student placements across universities? [more inside]

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE YOUR BROTHER KNOWS, HE'S SO GOOD WITH COMPUTERS.

When should you go to a doctor? I'm currently being prodded to go to the doctor for 'bronchitis,' after only a week of being sick and only three days of coughing. [more inside]

LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR. YOU COULD HAVE THE GRIP.

How can I see how many fragments a file uses in Windows? [more inside]

CALL TECH SUPPORT THEY ARE SO NICE.


ETC ETC ETC
posted by exlotuseater at 8:41 AM on February 21, 2009 [10 favorites]

Crap, it's my mom's birthday. Thanks for the reminder, weirdos.
posted by gordie at 8:54 AM on February 21, 2009

I do ask my mom questions -- in fact I called her this morning to ask about cleaning up a food spill. Dunno if it made her day. I use Ask MeFi occasionally, because my mom has never shown a solid grasp of Spanish-language political ads, lyrical trends in early hip-hop, or Thai restaurants in Greenwich Village (all of which I have Asked MeFi about). If your mom has an easy familiarity with these things, please pass on her number and I will stop bugging you lot.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:57 AM on February 21, 2009

hey iconomy, ask me about my stimulus package!

I just said that to a MOM. I'm going to hell.

I've seen stimulus packages before, sweetums. How do you think I got to be a mom?
posted by iconomy at 9:01 AM on February 21, 2009 [12 favorites]

Well played, iconomy, well played.
posted by Phire at 9:17 AM on February 21, 2009

Or what about grandma? If mom is good with advice, grandma must be twice as reliable.

The only piece of advice I can remember my grandma giving me: When cooking a squirrel, be sure to remove the head first.
posted by Bookhouse at 9:19 AM on February 21, 2009

I heard iconomy has a squeeze box and daddy never sleeps at night.
posted by Sailormom at 9:40 AM on February 21, 2009

So how come dad gets no love, huh?

I asked mom this, and she said it was because he only ever seeks it out when he rolls in late from the pub, stinking of booze and that he can't even get it up when he's in that state.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:58 AM on February 21, 2009

Mom,
How do we restore the world economy?
posted by terranova at 11:18 AM on February 21, 2009

Mom,
How do we restore the world economy?

Baking soda, lemon juice, and lots of elbow grease.
posted by The Whelk at 11:41 AM on February 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

I don't have the same contempt for orphans as I do gingers

So, I take it that you are not a big fan of ginger orphans then?
posted by ArgentCorvid at 11:51 AM on February 21, 2009

Hysterical.

We could ask my mother, but she's a short, round, middle eastern, chef. Her response to everything is either guilt or food. Or guilt AND food.

On the upside, I can make a montrachet tart with grilled peaches that will astound and amaze. On the down side, I have a constantly running voice in my head that suggests I should have been a surgeon.
posted by dejah420 at 12:05 PM on February 21, 2009

Mom,
How do we restore the world economy?

Honey, I am so glad you asked!

To restore World Economy to a previous state, follow these steps:

1. Log on to World Economy as Administrator.
2. Click Start, point to All Countries, point to Financial Systems, and then click World Economy Restore. World Economy Restore starts.
3. On the Welcome to World Economy Restore page, click Restore My World Economy to An Earlier Time (if it is not already selected), and then click Next.
4. On the Select a Restore Point page, click the best World Economy restore point in the On This List, and then click Next.

Note that a World Economy Restore message may appear that lists configuration changes that World Economy Restore will make. Click OK.
5. On the Confirm Restore Point Selection page, click Next. World Economy Restore restores the previous very satisfactory World Economy configuration, and then restarts the World Economy.
6. Log on to the World Economy as Administrator. The World Economy Restore Restoration Complete page is displayed.
7. Click OK.

There. Now have some of these delicious chocolate chip cookies that I just took out of the oven. I love you!

xox
Mom
posted by iconomy at 12:11 PM on February 21, 2009 [15 favorites]

I would ask my mom, but I'd have to take my penis out of her mouth in order to hear the response, and that's just not going to happen.

wait a second, I think I did something wrong there
posted by mesh gear fox at 3:36 PM on February 20 [+] [!]

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
posted by Devils Slide at 12:12 PM on February 21, 2009

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Yes. But only on the top of her head.
posted by mesh gear fox at 12:16 PM on February 21, 2009

I come from a long line of unstable women. The mother figures in my family have all been mentally ill, or alcoholic, or abusive, or assorted combinations thereof. I am quite literally the first female in my family to have broken the cycle and I would never in a million years ask any of them for advice.
posted by amyms at 12:19 PM on February 21, 2009

Why is that comment still here by the way? Nobody else flagged it?
posted by salvia at 12:20 PM on February 21, 2009

This comment.
posted by salvia at 12:21 PM on February 21, 2009

Why is that comment still here by the way? Nobody else flagged it?

I apologize.
That joke was well over the line, even for MetaTalk.
I'm not certain what inspired me to be so incredibly crass yesterday.
I sincerely regret making the comment; my most recent comment was another stupid attempt at being light-hearted and funny.

I can see why you would be offended.
Sorry
posted by mesh gear fox at 12:25 PM on February 21, 2009

Cool, thank you for that.

I mean if it was willing and consensual and all, that's cool (I mean, if that's what you guys are into). But I imagine your mom with your penis stuffed in her mouth unable to get it out even if she wanted to say something, which combined with "not going to happen" kinda sounded like coercion.

So thanks for taking it back.
posted by salvia at 12:34 PM on February 21, 2009

Why would she be offended? She thinks you're making fun of people who fellate their kids?
posted by klangklangston at 12:37 PM on February 21, 2009

Yeah, I see how it came across that way now, which wasn't at all what I intended.
An incest joke is one (pretty borderline) thing, but a bad rape joke is entirely another, and that's not territory I wanted to wander into.

Sorry again to the offended parties, as I doubt salvia was the only one.
posted by mesh gear fox at 12:45 PM on February 21, 2009

I thought the joke was that you put "my mom" instead of "your mom".

Which was pretty funny.

To me, anyway.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 12:55 PM on February 21, 2009

That was supposed to be the joke, so I'm glad you got it.

But like salvia said and I agreed with, it definitely could come across as a non-consensual momsex joke.
Which is probably the worst kind of momsex joke a guy could make.
posted by mesh gear fox at 1:00 PM on February 21, 2009

Well, now that you're sorry, I suppose you can come downstairs for dinner, mesh. And I won't tell your father. THIS time.
posted by katillathehun at 1:17 PM on February 21, 2009

...I imagine your mom with your penis stuffed in her mouth
There's your problem right there. Don't do that.
posted by Sailormom at 1:36 PM on February 21, 2009

Why is that comment still here by the way? Nobody else flagged it?

I've never flagged a comment before. In fact, the only time I flag is a double post.
posted by gman at 1:52 PM on February 21, 2009

Dear iconomy,

What is the worst kind of momsex joke a boy can make? I'm not a perv, it's for a school project.

love,
Your Son

PS: Sorry about the other night i needed your tv for a school project, I'll pay for the broken lock next sunday when i come to church.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:53 PM on February 21, 2009

...I imagine your mom with your penis stuffed in her mouth
There's your problem right there. Don't do that.
posted by Sailormom

eponironic, or something. surely a sailormom's tongue would make the most brazen lady of the night blush.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:07 PM on February 21, 2009

Why is that comment still here by the way? Nobody else flagged it?

We almost never delete stuff from MeTa. My reading was not a rape joke but an incredibly crass "I banged my/your Mom" joke which is also, in my personal universe, totally useless unfunny makes-the-world-creepier-for-women commentary but this is not my personal playground, so it stays and we can point at it and go "ick."
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:13 PM on February 21, 2009

"...we can point at it and go 'ick.'"

Or "ha-ha", depending on our personal tolerance for crudity.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 2:16 PM on February 21, 2009

Crudités - ick!
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:18 PM on February 21, 2009

Philistine.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 2:19 PM on February 21, 2009

Dear iconomy,

What is the worst kind of momsex joke a boy can make? I'm not a perv, it's for a school project.


"knock knock"

"whose there?"

"my momsex"

"my momsex who?"

"my mom sex that you should learn the difference between who's and whose, moran."



THAT is the worst momsex joke. It's just not funny.
posted by iconomy at 2:22 PM on February 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

Attn: goodnewsfortheinsane. Around the 2:50 mark should answer all your questions.
posted by theroadahead at 2:36 PM on February 21, 2009

oooh! i've got one of these!

*ahem*

Jesus, Mohammed & Bob Crane walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What'll it be, guys?"

Jesus goes first: "Give me a Screaming Orgasm, please"


- wait, I think probably shouldn't finish this one...
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:07 PM on February 21, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yesterday, due to an ongoing medical problem, I had to pick up a CD of my own MRI images from a medical imaging place to bring to another doctor in a few weeks. The CD sits on a table a few feet away from me. I can't quite summon up the nerve to pop it in the drive. Like every digital camera owner in the world, I've taken naked pix of myself and enjoyed looking at them, but this would be taking autopornography to a new extreme, no?
posted by jonmc at 3:39 PM on February 21, 2009

...this would be taking autopornography to a new extreme, no?

No. That would be Katie Couric's colonoscopy.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:49 PM on February 21, 2009

autopornography
posted by netbros at 4:22 PM on February 21, 2009

Ah, I see what was supposed to be funny about it. And thanks for the response, jessamyn.
posted by salvia at 4:36 PM on February 21, 2009

That joke was well over the line, even for MetaTalk.

I kind of liked it, actually. In fact, I almost favorited it, but I'm too big of a coward.
posted by Evangeline at 4:44 PM on February 21, 2009

- wait, I think probably shouldn't finish this one...

Oh come on. You have to finish a joke that starts like that.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:01 PM on February 21, 2009

...and so Bob Crane says "I'll have a Beat The Shit Out Of Me With A Blunt Instrument Until I'm Dead And Spooge On My Twitching Corpse, please."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:08 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sorry, we're out of Grenadine, Mr. Crane.
posted by jonmc at 5:12 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

...and so Bob Crane says "I'll have a Beat The Shit Out Of Me With A Blunt Instrument Until I'm Dead And Spooge On My Twitching Corpse, please."

I'll never understand why people don't just say "whiskey and peach juice".
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:14 PM on February 21, 2009 [4 favorites]

Led Zeppelin is a great band. I listen to them whenever I'm alarmed about my hedgerow.
posted by Afroblanco at 5:55 PM on February 21, 2009

Hi, I haven't talked to my mom in 13 years.
posted by E-Boogie at 6:34 PM on February 21, 2009

MetaTalk: Where we point at it and go "ick."
posted by jerseygirl at 6:48 PM on February 21, 2009

You don't want to ask my mom any of your cat related questions. Her answer would always be "have it put down." She's had at least three cats offed: One because we were moving to another state and it was just easier, one for having chronic diarrhea, and most recently, one that my brother had asked my parents to keep for a while when he couldn't, because it did not like her. (I think she told the vet it was vicious.) When a cat I'd had all of my adult life died of kidney failure, she told me she was sorry to hear it had died but not to get another one because they're too much trouble.
posted by longsleeves at 7:41 PM on February 21, 2009

I'm not an orphan yet, but I'm seriously considering becoming one.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:46 PM on February 21, 2009

I'll never understand why people don't just say "whiskey and peach juice"

Wouldn't you rather suffer a quick, violent death than drink that?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:57 PM on February 21, 2009

I'm half orphan.
posted by Sailormom at 11:09 PM on February 21, 2009

You have to finish a joke that starts like that.

I started something; I forced you to a zone, and you were clearly never meant to go.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:12 PM on February 21, 2009

This thread reminded me that I haven't talked to my mom in a few days, so I resolved to call her. However, I got wrapped up in reading the rest of this wonderfully hilarious thread, and put off calling her. Then she texted me telling me to call her.

Apparently everyone should ask my mom stuff cause she's psychic. She's also an economist, which makes her helpful for about one out of eight questions asked on the green.


I just realized that half the advice I give on askme comes directly from my parents. So, in essence, you *are* asking my mom already.
posted by nursegracer at 5:44 AM on February 22, 2009

I would ask my mom, but I'd have to take my penis out of her mouth in order to hear the response, and that's just not going to happen.

FTFY

Ick
posted by SteveTheRed at 7:42 AM on February 22, 2009

yes, I am an orphan.
posted by terrapin at 8:37 AM on February 22, 2009

Hmmm..mother's advice is always cryptic and I just would end up on the green asking what the heck did she mean. On my first date, as I exited out the door, she said in a very serious voice, "Beware the dog that bites." Well crap, my whole date ended up being pre-occupied with what the heck she meant. Even my sister could only speculate.

Her advice through the years have been no clearer however, when things go wrong she does say, "I told you so" pretty loud and clear which, is annoying since she is the Delphic Oracle of mom advice. Now I rage against destiny and cryptic messages.

So yeah, the green is probably better to ask certain things even if some of the answers are schizophrenic but thankfully, not cryptic.
posted by jadepearl at 9:19 AM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mom jokes are so funny.

My mother is a fount of knowledge in some areas, but in other areas she's hopeless. She knows more than I will ever know about gardening. She knows a tonne about chid care and child education. She knows quite a bit about decorating, sewing, and cooking.

But she thinks I should wear suits to work (when my co-workers wear jeans and even my director hardly ever wears suits) and stay in the same job for the rest of my life. She's convinced I will electrocute myself whenever I replace a light fixture (though I've done this well over a dozen times quite safely). She was sure braces would never straighten my crooked teeth (they did), that I shouldn't have to pay any more for an item than she did when she bought it (even though she bought her item 30 years ago), and that so many of the things I do (like going out and socializing or doing stained glass) are a waste of time, and she can't understand why anyone would ever want a dog. And she wants me to go to church and have a personal relationship with Jesus.

Basically, her advice is like any one else's: sometimes good, sometimes bad, and to be taken with caution at any time.
posted by orange swan at 10:03 AM on February 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Some of us are orphans.

Some of us have parents who aren't exactly sane, and since we'd prefer to limit their involvement in our lives to the absolute minimum calling them and asking them for advice isn't an option.

Some of us like to have a breadth of opinion in response to our question.

Some of us would like our questions to be answered by people who don't necessarily share the cultural norms that we grew up with.

Some of us have questions about topics that our parents don't know anything about.

Some of us have questions about topics that we don't want our parents to know anything about.

Some of us have questions about topics that we don't want our parents to know we know anything about.

Some of us are parents trying to figure out what the hell our offspring was asking us about.

Is this actually news to anyone?
posted by rjs at 12:31 PM on February 22, 2009

I want iconomy to be my internet Mom.
posted by Space Kitty at 4:10 PM on February 22, 2009

My mom's advice is tea, herbs or acupuncture.

It's nice to get a wide swath of advice once in a while.
posted by Gucky at 5:32 PM on February 22, 2009

Cool Papa Bell writes "You're thinking of Emily Litella"

Oh, that's very different. Never mind.
posted by orthogonality at 9:05 PM on February 22, 2009

I thought this question was pretty stupid and kind of obnoxious, but the answers are good.
posted by Pax at 10:09 AM on February 23, 2009

I am duly chastised. A little over the top there at the start of the thread, but I get the message. Thanks! (I mean that sincerely)
posted by nax at 5:29 PM on February 23, 2009