Hovercraft Eel call-out thread.

March 3, 2009 4:27 PM

Hovercraft Eel call-out thread.

Normally I would do research and link to specific posts, but I would say that since 95% of Hovercraft Eel's posts are about how terrible MetaFilter is, no sifting is necessary.

Hovercraft Eel is a remorseless threadshitter whose crimes are exacerbated by the fact that his threadshitting is also boring as hell. Hovercraft Eel, I find you guilty of being a terrible, unfunny poster.

Your punishment: a life sentence of being you.

posted by Optimus Chyme to Etiquette/Policy at 4:27 PM (158 comments total)

Makes me wonder what the other 5% are about.
However, I don't feel like putting forth the energy to find out.
posted by necessitas at 4:34 PM on March 3, 2009

"Lies, damned lies, and statistics."
posted by HopperFan at 4:34 PM on March 3, 2009

Granted it was at the wrong time of day, but smearing spinach paste liberally on my genitalia didn't do fuck all for me.
posted by gman at 4:35 PM on March 3, 2009

I don't computer.
posted by mullacc at 4:38 PM on March 3, 2009

Metafilter likes the gay nazis, amitired?
posted by kuujjuarapik at 4:40 PM on March 3, 2009

Well, roughly 1% of their posting history was this comment:

"Yes, oh YES!!!", she moaned as he thrust his sparkline deeply into her red, swollen marginalia.

...so I'm kind of a fan.
posted by davejay at 4:40 PM on March 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

Actually, yes, you do need to do some research and provide some links and specific examples, because a cursory look at the posting history does not support your allegations.
posted by mattdidthat at 4:41 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

Let the good times roll!
posted by gman at 4:42 PM on March 3, 2009

Those are possibly the worst tags ever in the history of MetaTalk. "is"? "the"? Are you fucking serious?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 4:44 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Those allegations being "95% of Hovercraft Eel's posts are about how terrible MetaFilter is". If Hovercraft Eel has made 53 comments, then 95% of 53 is (rounded) to 50. Please provide links to at least half of these fifty posts about how terrible MetaFilter is.
posted by mattdidthat at 4:44 PM on March 3, 2009

Born again Quonsar. Does he act like that at his revivalist church gigs or is Metafilter just some kind of emotional toilet for him? God has no blind spots, dude.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:46 PM on March 3, 2009

"Granted it was at the wrong time of day, but smearing spinach paste liberally on my genitalia didn't do fuck all for me.
posted by gman"

According to Rule 34, it might have done for someone else. Don't hide your light ...er...something...under a bushel.
posted by HopperFan at 4:46 PM on March 3, 2009

I thought we'd decided that all emotional toilet related needs should be taken care of in MetaChat.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:47 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter likes the gay nazis, amitired?
posted by kuujjuarapik

Looks like it. Take a nap.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:49 PM on March 3, 2009

What was this callout about, again?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:49 PM on March 3, 2009

"Born again Quonsar"

When he was saved, he got himself a capital q.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 4:51 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

HP Hovercraft was also a real bastard.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:52 PM on March 3, 2009

It looks like everything that even talks about MeFi is in his MeTa history, which is probably not the best sample of anyone's personality, really.
posted by katillathehun at 4:54 PM on March 3, 2009

posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies What was this callout about, again?

Optimus Chyme has accused Hovercraft Eel of making at least 50 posts about how terrible MetaFilter is. However, Optimus Chyme has not provided links to these posts, so at the time of this writing, Optimus Chyme and this callout should be considered the equivalent of a 14-year-old with a MySpace page.
posted by mattdidthat at 4:59 PM on March 3, 2009

HP Lovercraft knew how to treat the ladies...
posted by geos at 4:59 PM on March 3, 2009

I will not buy this callout, it is scratched.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 4:59 PM on March 3, 2009 [20 favorites]

Okay, everyone hide, and then when he shows up here in the thread we'll all be like, "SURPRIIIIIIISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!"

And THEN we'll get out the torches.
posted by hermitosis at 5:06 PM on March 3, 2009 [5 favorites]

He has a weird look about him, too. Eel doesn't look right capitalized.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:11 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ilk looks weird too. Eel Ilk.
posted by jamaro at 5:15 PM on March 3, 2009

I have a question? Yes I do.

As a new person also, I'm aware that I want to contribute something either witty/insightful to a discussion if I can (ha!) to build up some kind of goodwill. So I find it odd that this user whines and bitches at all and doesn't seem willing to wait a while before getting up people's noses (which he must have done to have this thread dedicated to him).

However, is being a 'remorseless threadshitter' a crime? Like, if you just pooped in every discussion, 'oh this is lame', would that actually get you banned? Cause if not, why this call-out? What if somebody relentlessly threadjizzed, 'this is great!', in every thread, would you do the same? Are defecatory/ejaculatory offences with regards to comments treasonable?
posted by Sova at 5:17 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

Optimus Chyme and this callout should be considered the equivalent of a 14-year-old with a MySpace page.

Optimus Chyme and this thread are an undercover police sting to catch kiddie-fiddlers?
posted by ob at 5:25 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey: "Those are possibly the worst tags ever in the history of MetaTalk. "is"? "the"? Are you fucking serious?"

Oh, I don't know if it's the worst -- a tie, maybe. We have the "of" tag in the next thread down.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:27 PM on March 3, 2009

Like, if you just pooped in every discussion, 'oh this is lame', would that actually get you banned?

You'd probably get a lot of comments deleted first, then a talking-to from the mods, but a ban would only come down in the most untenable situations. I seem to recall jessamyn/matt saying that they've only banned someone for non-spammy reasons a couple times.

What if somebody relentlessly threadjizzed, 'this is great!', in every thread, would you do the same?

Threadjizzing doesn't usually lead to arguments. Threadshitting often does.
posted by CKmtl at 5:28 PM on March 3, 2009

hovercraft eel is seriously the worst you guys

Well, fuck me. I have to seriously step up my game. Sweater stuffers. Snuggle puppies. There.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:35 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Well, it's not like Hovercraft Eel has reposted anyone's MeMails publicly, so that's one point in his favor.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:38 PM on March 3, 2009

Tuesdays always bring out the worst in people.
posted by The Whelk at 5:40 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, the difference when a username has no reputation to coast on.

Still, confirmation bias, surely.
posted by klangklangston at 5:40 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Threadjizzing doesn't usually lead to arguments. Threadshitting often does."

If that's true, how come you're so great, huh?
posted by klangklangston at 5:41 PM on March 3, 2009

Threadjizzing

I like that word. It has a lot of spunk.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:43 PM on March 3, 2009 [6 favorites]

Hovercraft Eel call-out thread? Is that where I get to be a Viking?
posted by grobstein at 5:43 PM on March 3, 2009

I seem to recall jessamyn/matt saying that they've only banned someone for non-spammy reasons a couple times.

Maybe more than that, but it's pretty unusual. We've definitely permabanned [as in "no you can never ever come back, ever"] only a few people.

Sova, the issue here is that many people think this is the new account of a cantankerous former user that has retained all of the bile and none of the charm of that user.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:45 PM on March 3, 2009

former user that has retained all of the bile and none of the charm of that user.

But is there any jizz left?

/shameless
posted by Burhanistan at 5:47 PM on March 3, 2009

This is a bad callout and you are a bad person for making it and you should feel bad.
posted by GuyZero at 5:47 PM on March 3, 2009

I think it's actually a pretty decent call-out, OC. The threadshitting is pretty tedious. Hopefully it stops, but eh, what can you do.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:50 PM on March 3, 2009

This thread is awesome!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:51 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

It boggles my mind that people actually connect the dots on users like this. And 52 comments in a month & a half isn't really that much. Besides, if this guys gets it, I am totally next in line, so I don't want to set any precedents here.
posted by GuyZero at 5:53 PM on March 3, 2009

This is seriously the most awesome po-- ughh. Dammit.

Aw, #621480, I'm sorry. I'm not ready for you. Need to wait a little while, maybe smoke a little weed.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:53 PM on March 3, 2009

posted by Blazecock Pileon The threadshitting is pretty tedious. Hopefully it stops, but eh, what can you do.

Flag it, and move on.
posted by mattdidthat at 5:54 PM on March 3, 2009

Yeah, throwing somebody out for being tedious seems pretty odious. For the record: this is my 314th tedious comment.
posted by Dumsnill at 5:54 PM on March 3, 2009

"Maybe more than that, but it's pretty unusual. We've definitely permabanned [as in "no you can never ever come back, ever"] only a few people."

Can I come back?
posted by klangklangston at 5:55 PM on March 3, 2009

Generally when a "new" poster appears on a forum and immediately starts acting hostile and confrontational, that's a good indicator that they're really an old poster that left/was banned/was driven off returning under a new name. Genuine noobs usually don't start immediately attacking the regulars and proclaiming how much the site/forum sucks. Just an observation I've made from posting on many forums for quite a few years, but it's usually true. Take that for what it's worth.
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:03 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

The gold standard for long leashes is that doctor president elvis guy, who must have unflattering nude photos of mathowie or something. (did he press the big red button? i can't be bothered to look.) anyway, this hovercraft person has a long, long way to go to match him.
posted by Kwine at 6:05 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Besides, if this guys gets it, I am totally next in line

Why, who did you used to be?
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:09 PM on March 3, 2009

Threadjizzing is pretty annoying actually. It's true that it generally doesn't lead to arguments, but it does lead to a significant amount of eye-rolling. "OK, we get it. You love everything and everybody! We'll just take that as read in threads from now on."

Pretty rare, though.
posted by DU at 6:21 PM on March 3, 2009

Threadjizz is near impossible to wipe off my screen.
posted by gman at 6:25 PM on March 3, 2009

So, this is a true story. Honest to Dog.

I have to take the older of the two girls I nanny for to ballet on Tuesdays. The owner of the studio has started leaving tea for the mommies. I'd already had tea at the house, so after cup of tea number two followed by getting on the bus, I really had to pee. I stopped in a café downtown (Boston) to use the facilities.

It's one of those places where you need a key for the bathroom. Another patron was already waiting and politely knocked on the door. There was a grunt emitted that was NOT female. I'm not talking "possible MtF in the bathroom," I'm talking "possible linebacker in the bathroom." Now, I'm not above a little gender bending myself and I tried to just see if the dude's bathroom was unlocked. No dice. Trying to decide between waiting and asking for the key to the men's room and explaining that I was not the confused individual in this situation, I chose waiting because I figured... well, the women's room is probably cleaner.

Time passes. Entire generations of fruit flies are born and die. I could have walked home by now. I knock again. A mid-thirties man hurriedly rushes out of the bathroom, nearly knocking me over while throwing the key at me. Upon entering the bathroom I find...

THERE WAS A PILE OF JIZZ ON THE FLOOR.

IN THE LADIES' ROOM.

IF YOU'RE GONNA JIZZ IN A THREAD, FOR THE LOVE OF G-D COULD YOU ASK FOR THE RIGHT KEY NEXT TIME.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:28 PM on March 3, 2009 [13 favorites]

When I want to get my parents to join MetaFilter, this is the intro thread I'm going to point them to.
posted by DU at 6:34 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

A pile? Must have been saving up for a rainy day.

And I think he got the key he wanted, oh yes. You know he's grinding one out just thinking about some surprised gal having to confront the puddle of primordial goo from which life might emerge, gently steaming in that most private of womynspace.
posted by adipocere at 6:35 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was gonna say! A pile? That would take a while to work outta there. Now I'm thinking up jokes involving analogies between metamucil and anal sex. Way to go, MetaTalk.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:37 PM on March 3, 2009

Sova, the issue here is that many people think this is the new account of a cantankerous former user that has retained all of the bile and none of the charm of that user.

Sort of how some of us feel about Optimus Chyme?
posted by Krrrlson at 6:37 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

THERE WAS A PILE OF JIZZ ON THE FLOOR.

That's the first time I've ever heard of a quantity of jizz described as a "pile". "Glob" or "puddle" or "pool", maybe, but I think of "pile" as referring to more solid substances, like bricks or laundry or shit. It kind of conjures up some gross images, beyond even the basic idea of jizz on a dirty tile floor. Like the jizz having a toothpaste-like consistency. Ewww.
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:39 PM on March 3, 2009

Sort of how some of us feel about Optimus Chyme?
posted by Krrrlson at 6:37 PM on March 3

This is both flattering and totally insane.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:41 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

A quantity of bodily fluid is known as a "tater".
posted by DU at 6:45 PM on March 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

Also, I always liked how William S. Burroughs referred to it as "jissom". It has kind of a Victorian ring to it.
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:45 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

The Arabic word for the corporeal body is "jism". I wonder if it comes from that.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:49 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Pardon me?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:52 PM on March 3, 2009

Some stories really don't NEED to be told.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:55 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

That's the first time I've ever heard of a quantity of jizz described as a "pile".

A pile of jizz is what you get when an earthquake hits a sperm bank.
posted by fourcheesemac at 6:57 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Other unpleasant MetaFilter activities include:

Threadjazzing - Where everyone suddenly puts up their hands and waves them, palms out.

Threadjonesing - That interminable period in the morning on the East Coast before any new posts appear

Threadjousting - When two threads on related topics appear in near proximity and you aren't sure which will survive so you hesitate to post in either
posted by DU at 7:04 PM on March 3, 2009 [14 favorites]

I think I need to threadjizz more often. Does it require wanking, or are is someone offering the service? Do we have a Cynthia Plastercaster in the fanbase?

White on blue is gonna be a whole new sight, bayyyy-bies!
posted by five fresh fish at 7:08 PM on March 3, 2009

I would so go see a band called Jason and the Threadjizzers. I would not, however, rent a movie with that title.
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 7:09 PM on March 3, 2009

Flag it, and move on.

Done and done.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:14 PM on March 3, 2009

You know, I found out there's a film where Lynda Carter bears her breasts. For you youngsters, Lynda Carter was an actress who played Wonder Woman on TV. But she was more than that...for many men of my generation she was the woman who taught us that we like girls. Thank you, Ms. Carter. I recently got a torrent of that flick and I look forward to seeing the WonderBoobies, however long the download takes.
posted by jonmc at 7:16 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

I found out there's a film where Lynda Carter bears her breasts.

I stand willing to bear Lynda Carter's breasts whenevr called upon.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:19 PM on March 3, 2009

and she thanks you, Horace.
posted by jonmc at 7:20 PM on March 3, 2009

Oddly enough, I tend to assume newcomers are legitimately newcomers until someone goes "Dude, you were totally that one user I hated in your past username-life". Is it natural, this knee-jerk assumption of sockpuppetry?
posted by Phire at 7:21 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

er, whenever.
whenevr sounds like a web 2.0 calendar site.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:21 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

*checks Horace's profile*

we're the same age, which advances my theory, although more research is needed. lots more research.
posted by jonmc at 7:31 PM on March 3, 2009

I am not not nor have I ever been anybody.
posted by Sailormom at 7:32 PM on March 3, 2009

I remember watching Bobbie Joe And The Outlaw on HBO when I was about nine or ten, with my younger brother. Our babysitter for the evening (male, about 15) let us watch it with him. During one of the sex scenes, the Outlaw (MarJoe Gortner) gets a mouthful of Lynda Carter's boob. The babysitter said (and I quote) "WOW, HE GOT ONE!".


This may well have been the high point of my prepubescent sex life.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:37 PM on March 3, 2009 [6 favorites]

Also, I always liked how William S. Burroughs referred to it as "jissom".

Flotsam: That which has fallen overboard
Jetsam: That which has been thrown overboard
Jissom: That which has been ejaculated explosively overboard
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:41 PM on March 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

Why have people been asking me about this today.

Hello everyone I am the community outreach representative for #mefi. Mr. President Doctor Steve Elvis America is no longer with us. Neither is Krrrlson. I have no recent information pertaining to either of these people.
posted by tehloki at 7:43 PM on March 3, 2009

95% MeFi hate, 5% ascii art of dongs
posted by 29 at 7:44 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

c'mere you self-favoriting bastard and gimme a hug
posted by tehloki at 7:49 PM on March 3, 2009

95% self-favourting, 5% others
posted by gman at 7:49 PM on March 3, 2009

I read on the FAQ that if you favourt yourself, you'll go blind.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:50 PM on March 3, 2009

Confirmation bias, totally. There's that Chris Morris sketch where he's talking about people being scared of technology. His evidence for this is footage of a man in the street holding a big sign that says TECHNOLOGY and when some little old lady walks past the man pounces at her, thrusts the sign in her face and bellows "TECHNOLOGY!" She poops, naturally. And that's why so is mankind.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:51 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

we're the same age

We also both work with old books, although I can't immediately draw any connections from that fact. I will point out, however, that it takes a special kind of woman to make mail-order contacts sound smoking hot.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:52 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

95% MeFi hate, 5% ascii art of dongs

Seriously though does anybody have any good penis asciis? penisciis?
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:55 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

8======D ~ ~ ~
posted by tehloki at 8:00 PM on March 3, 2009

asciipr0n
posted by Rhomboid at 8:03 PM on March 3, 2009 [4 favorites]

Oh man this stuff is gonna come out great on my new dot matrix printer. Don't try and use the bathroom for a while fellas, I've got some reports to read!
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:04 PM on March 3, 2009

8======D ~ ~ ~

That reminds me of Plankton from Spongebob.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:05 PM on March 3, 2009

'New' isn't a word you see in front of 'dot matrix printer' that often these days.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:13 PM on March 3, 2009 [5 favorites]

there's a film where Lynda Carter bears her breasts

She does what to them?
posted by netbros at 8:31 PM on March 3, 2009

Yes, but could a typical young man, armed only with a knife, (say, six or eight inches long) be trained to consistently "win" fights with bear Lynda Carter breasts?
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 8:34 PM on March 3, 2009 [3 favorites]

Sadly, I have a client who has four Okidata dot matrix printers (this kind), and I can confirm that the suppliers are still selling brand-new ones. Not that I don't appreciate the old school stuff, but enough is enough.
posted by HopperFan at 8:37 PM on March 3, 2009

Well yeah, some parts of the world still use those multi-part carbon copy forms that only work with impact printing.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:45 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

If by "some parts of the world" you mean the Midwest, yep. We're kind of behind the eight-ball here.
posted by HopperFan at 8:52 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

In Australia, Harvey Norman (an electronics and furniture store) still prints out its receipts on A4 pages on dot matrix printers. For anything. Buying a blank DVD? That's a full five minutes of waiting for the fucking receipt to print out.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:59 PM on March 3, 2009

MeFi + dot matrix printer = PRINTERNET
posted by burnmp3s at 9:05 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Man, days like today make me think that I'm never gonna get an angry callout!
posted by Navelgazer at 9:11 PM on March 3, 2009

And why hasn't sixcolors posted in here?
posted by bystander at 9:41 PM on March 3, 2009

HOVERCRAFT EEL HAS A HOVERCRAFT. IN HIS EEL.
posted by loquacious at 9:45 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

THERE WAS A PILE OF JIZZ ON THE FLOOR.
Be glad it was a guy in his thirties, if he was younger it would
have been dripping of the ceiling.
posted by Iron Rat at 9:57 PM on March 3, 2009

Quantity of jizz=pile
Quantity of jism=trail
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 10:02 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

And why hasn't sixcolors posted in here?

Why would I? I don't know who this hovercraft guy is, and I don't follow his posts.
posted by sixcolors at 10:04 PM on March 3, 2009

And entering from stage left...
posted by katillathehun at 10:07 PM on March 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Count me among the members of the sixcolors fanclub. ALso:

YO DAWG WE HERD YOU LIKE EELS SO WE PUT AN EEL IN YOUR EEL SO YOU CAN HOVERCRAFT WHILE YOU HOVERCRAFT
posted by Navelgazer at 10:09 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Seriously though does anybody have any good penis asciis? penisciis?

PENISCII is an older format which can only represent a limited amount of penises. Penicode, or UTF-8==D, has been developed as a replacement and can render most of the world's penises, including obsolete and fictional penises.
posted by DecemberBoy at 10:20 PM on March 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

"there's a film where Lynda Carter bears her breasts"

She does what to them?

You don't want to know. It's grisly.
posted by carsonb at 10:28 PM on March 3, 2009 [5 favorites]

Jizz pile? That's nothing.
I have the mental image of a remorseless threadshitter, like the T-800 stripped back to steel in the final scene of Terminator, red eyes glowing, squatting over a keyboard laying a cable, slowly and infinitely amassing.
It can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and it absolutely will not stop.
Ever.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:36 PM on March 3, 2009

I would so go see a band called Jason and the Threadjizzers. I would not, however, rent a movie with that title.

Funny, I was thinking the exact opposite.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:36 PM on March 3, 2009 [5 favorites]

including obsolete and fictional penises.

I don't know if my mind is boggled more by the idea of obsolete penises or the idea of fictional ones.
posted by Caduceus at 10:42 PM on March 3, 2009

there's a film where Lynda Carter bears her breasts

It's an amazon thing.
posted by taz at 12:14 AM on March 4, 2009

life is so mysterious
posted by From Bklyn at 1:14 AM on March 4, 2009

Turgid Dahlia: You're forgetting times past, when they'd hand-write receipts on pre-printed stationary. For a short while in late 2005, you'd actually get two receipts - a printed one from their new system, and a handwritten one with the receipt # from the printed version written on it (as well as item description, stock #, price, etc). I think the reason there was their 'new' system didn't have a place to record the sales rep's number, so they couldn't work out who to pay what commissions,

Or the 3 receipts I've got for my PVR, bought in late 2005. Y'see, the register system was down, so they couldn't print a receipt, and they couldn't hand-write a receipt because they couldn't get the receipt # off the printed receipt. So I've got a hand-written receipt out of a standard off-the-shelf receipt book, and they mailed both printed and hand-written receipts to me the next day.

I always figured Gerry Harvey was more interested in his horses than his retail empire...

(Note to Americans: Imagine Best Buy, staffed by rejects from Wal*Mart - and all working on crappy base + commission. That's Harvey Norman. Except their "Computer Superstores", which would be like Circuit City staffed by rejects from Best Buy's Geek Squad.

What that has to do with dot-matrix printers and Hovercraft Eel I'm not sure, but it all adds to the sum total of human knowledge that is MetaFilter...)
posted by Pinback at 2:24 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

there's a film where Lynda Carter bears her breasts

It's a Kodiak moment
posted by patricio at 3:24 AM on March 4, 2009 [12 favorites]

Oh wait, I know a good example of threadjizzing: Obit threads. I thought of this just this morning when I was reminded of the existence of Billy Joel. Many here have made negative comments about Joel. But if he were to die, the obit thread would be full of tender remembrances and lionizations. [NOT JOELIST]
posted by DU at 4:22 AM on March 4, 2009

Flag it, and move on.
Done and done.

Y'know, when you say this, you may have flagged, but you haven't moved on. I see this a lot and everytime I think "Y'know, if you make a point of saying you've flagged it and moved on, you're drawing more attention to it than if you had ACTUALLY just flagged it and REALLY moved on."

Also: Of all the elements of my *totally true* story to critique, only MeFites would start pedantically questioning my terminology for the amount of jizz on the floor. Way to overthink a pile of sperm, guys. I supposed "puddle" would have been more accurate, but "pile" sounded better.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:36 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Threadshitter Mangrove.
posted by Eideteker at 4:39 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Flotsam: That which has fallen overboard
Jetsam: That which has been thrown overboard

Is this true? If so, then this thread has been redeemed beyond becoming one big ol' bale of troll hay.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:53 AM on March 4, 2009

Y'know, when you say this, you may have flagged, but you haven't moved on.

flag and move on!
do not feed the trolls!
steer your ship clear
of those sad tiresome shoals!
sail into the sunrise
where oceans are deep!
and as for the troll?
let the mods ban the creep!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:04 AM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

Is this true?

It is! Flotsam is cargo that's floating in the water without having been thrown in on purpose, usually because of a shipwreck. It belongs to whoever finds it. Jetsam has been jettisoned on purpose, often to lighten the ship during a storm. It still belongs to the original owners.
posted by EarBucket at 5:05 AM on March 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

Is this true? If so, then this thread has been redeemed beyond becoming one big ol' bale of troll hay.

Yes it is, and you now need to turn off your computer, go to your local library and check out Hugo's "The Laughing Man".
posted by ghost of a past number at 5:15 AM on March 4, 2009

"I found out there's a film where Lynda Carter bears her breasts."

How about Dixie Carter?

"Pardon me?"

I think you meant, "Come again?"
posted by Eideteker at 5:16 AM on March 4, 2009

wait - hovercraft eels lynda carter's breasts?
posted by pyramid termite at 6:15 AM on March 4, 2009

I liked quonsar.
posted by Mister_A at 7:07 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Rhomboid: "93Well yeah, some parts of the world still use those multi-part carbon copy forms that only work with impact printing."

My son recently took keyboarding (easy elective, increases his speed on the computer for his online gaming) and he was going on about how hard typewriter keyboards were to type on as opposed to computer keyboards. And I told him that his grandmother, as a secretary, had it a lot rougher, since she had to type up duplicate and triplicates sometimes using carbon paper, on typrewriters that weren't even electric like they are now.

Once he got past the idea of manual typewriters, I had to explain the concept of carbon paper to him. Totally blew his mind. I could see him thinking, "Why didn't she just copy and paste?"
posted by misha at 7:10 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Now that I know Hovercraft Eel is MPDSEA, I can rest easy. Thanks for a weird thread, guys.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:15 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wait, I thought he was some other guy…
posted by klangklangston at 7:48 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Where does it say that he's doctor steve? I musta missed that, or was it OMG CENSORSHIP???
posted by Mister_A at 7:54 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am so snaffling up the new tags from last night's MetaTalk Merrymaking: "U' "the" "is" and "of"-- I just have to figure out a post that would support their use.

U is not amused-- the end of LolCats?
No U-Hauls, please; The Memoirs of an As Is Salesman
Of Mice and Menu: The U is silent
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:09 AM on March 4, 2009

It's funny that we should be talking about trademarks at this point, as I'm reminded of a little story. Seems there was this fella from New York City who went on a business trip to Great Britain; he realized he left behind his toothbrush on the other side of the Atlantic, but could probably pick one up at a nearby pharmacy.

So he did what he thought was perfectly sensible, and started asking people at random, "Hey, where's Duane Reade?" But the Britons were puzzled by the request. Some of the older faces milling about recalled a Derrick Reed, who supposedly lived near Stafford, but no-no-no, that wasn't it. Eventually, there was so much of a fuss over whether this Duane Reade the American was interested in was in danger, so someone elected to call a constable. When an officer arrived upon the scene, a helpful sort motioned to the tourist and remarked, "Here comes a Bobby, he'll sort you out right." But again, the guy insisted he just wanted Duane Reade, not some guy wearing a helmet.

With a charmingly sympathetic patience afforded by the lawman of the United Kingdom, it became clear that what the foreigner was seeking was not an estranged person, but in fact, was only interested in what was known in local parlance as a chemist. Smiling benevolently, the officer cheerfully instructed the New Yorker that the establishment of interest was "not far at all, sir - just up the street, make a right, then another, and it'll be right next to the corner pub." The traveler was elated, and shook the policeman's hand. He began cheerfully walking toward his destination when he suddenly stopped, and whirled on his heel back to face the crowd. A pained, quizzical expression marked his face, as he asked with all sincerity: "How far's that from Sam Ash?"
posted by Smart Dalek at 8:31 AM on March 4, 2009

Why the hell don't I get it?
posted by subbes at 8:53 AM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

Need help with this joke. Have had coffee and everything. Even took evening courses. No luck with the lulz. Hope me.
posted by Hobgoblin at 9:13 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

The joke is that not only has the hapless American tourist forgotten his toothbrush, he has also (it is implied) forgotten a musical instrument of some sort. In the hearer's imagination, he will soon emerge from the local "Sam Ash"-equivalent carrying some sort of large sousaphone or glockenspeil, to the confusion of passing Londoners. Comical incongruity ensues!
posted by ormondsacker at 9:40 AM on March 4, 2009

Hmm ... nope, no. That joke still makes no sense to me, no matter what accent I try in my head.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:47 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

He also needs a tuba toothpaste.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:04 AM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ooh! I've got a joke that everyone will enjoy:


Knock-knock!

Who's there?














***TATERS***
posted by Mister_A at 10:09 AM on March 4, 2009

***TATERS*** who?
posted by ormondsacker at 10:11 AM on March 4, 2009

The gold standard for long leashes is that doctor president elvis guy, who must have unflattering nude photos of mathowie or something.

You mean Dr. President Steve Ikkyu Elvis Kay II?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:12 AM on March 4, 2009

TATERZOOPHILIA.COM HAS ALL THE HOTTEST POTATO-ON-COW MOVIES
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:12 AM on March 4, 2009

When ***TATERS*** come knockin', this van'll be rockin'.
posted by dersins at 10:29 AM on March 4, 2009

I was at Penn Station subs today and they had a potato the size of a football with a little sign stuck in it. Seriously, it was a two handed potato with sprouts in the eyes. I wanted to yell out "taters" but then I thought, hmmm, since I'm lacking the relative anonymity of the Internets, maybe I should restrain from this knee-jerk meme-vomiting to which I've become so accustomed.
posted by mrmojoflying at 10:56 AM on March 4, 2009

I just hate it when a meme's weaksauce is undercooked, leading to meme poisoning and meme vomiting.
posted by Rhomboid at 11:20 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You people know there was an IEEE paper that specifically prevents rule 34 being actualized for taters, right?
posted by Burhanistan at 11:30 AM on March 4, 2009

"Hey, where's Duane Reade?"

I once, uh, was told a story about a woman from the United Kingdom who went on a trip to New York City. One day, part way through the trip she was pretty wasted, and decided that only Smartfood's cheese popcorn could save the day and headed for the nearest shop which just happened to be a Duane Reade. Standing at the til with her purchase, she asked kindly, 'So, who's Duane Reade?'

'We're Duane Reade!', replied the cashier.

'Uh, all of you? Whoa.'

True Story. It must be true, because it happened just like that.
posted by Sova at 11:38 AM on March 4, 2009

tater porn: 1 2 3 4
posted by Rhomboid at 11:52 AM on March 4, 2009

You know, this whole thread makes me glad things ended well with Alex Reynolds.

Quonsar reminds me of Scott Weiland - incredible when needing intervention, execrable having received it.
posted by Ryvar at 12:59 PM on March 4, 2009

I'm a big fan of happy endings.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:27 PM on March 4, 2009

Overheard between two tourists in Stratford-Upon-Avon...

American1: "What was Shakespeare's wife called, again?"
American2: "Duh! Laura Ashley, it says so right across the street."
posted by the latin mouse at 2:06 PM on March 4, 2009

Also the other kind.
posted by box at 2:13 PM on March 4, 2009

I would so go see a band called Jason and the Threadjizzers.

One, nothing wrong with it
Two, nothing wrong with it
Three, nothing wrong with it
Four, nothing withwhhhhhhhhhaaa-KUH

LET THE JISM HIT THE FLOOR!
LET THE JISM HIT THE FLOOR!!
LET THE JISM HIT THE FLOOR!!!
LET THE JISM HIT THE FLAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

[splut]

From "Jism Pool," by Jason and the Threadjizzers. © 2003 Threadjizz Music, Ltd.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:43 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

True story about Jason and the Threadjizzers: their rise to fame was long and hard. Whenever they tried to tour, venue after venue just kept jerking them around. Other bands shunned them, and their sales were flaccid. Finally one day they cornered the manager of one of the other bands and lubricated him with alcohol until he revealed the reason: nobody wanted to come on after a J&tT opening act because of the state in which they left the stage.
posted by Rhomboid at 7:51 PM on March 4, 2009

MeFi + dot matrix printer = PRINTERNET
posted by burnmp3s at 9:05 PM on March 3

I ask that you cease and desist from this slander. My impact printer is no mere dot matrix, it uses no abhorrent little pins, it does not print as if through a sieve!

It is a LETTER QUALITY impact printer, the finest of its type, which hurtles chiseled plastic letterforms onward towards the platen. I have a few font wheels, but unfortunately I've never been able to find the Futura that I've seen listed in old catalogs.
posted by blasdelf at 10:30 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

95% of Optimus Chyme's brain is atrophied.
posted by Hovercraft Eel at 5:36 AM on March 5, 2009

●████▅▅▄▄▄▄▄▄... ..▄▄▄ {¦(¦====¦>
▄▄▅█ Care Tank █▅▄▃▂
██████████████►
◥☼▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲☼◤
posted by killdevil at 10:57 AM on March 5, 2009 [5 favorites]

I would so go see a band called Jason and the Threadjizzers.

Only if there's a salad bar screen.
posted by deborah at 11:58 AM on March 5, 2009

95% of Optimus Chyme's brain is atrophied.

Wow, classy.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 12:06 PM on March 5, 2009

Wow, classy.

Is it because Optimus Chyme actually has had some kind of brain tissue destroying disorder or trauma, or because you were just expecting a sassier comeback than what was basically "I know you are but what am I?" ?
posted by Burhanistan at 12:54 PM on March 5, 2009

I am 95% rubber and you are 95% glue.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:05 PM on March 5, 2009

I am 95% meta-adherent, which means I'm more likely to benefit from my current cocktail of snark-inhibitors.
posted by mrmojoflying at 1:29 PM on March 5, 2009