Make fun of yourself!
April 1, 2009 10:49 AM Subscribe

Celebrate April Fools Day by writing a parody of yourself.

...Spring always follows Winter.

It depends what you mean by "Spring," "always," "follows" and "Winter."

For instance, I was TALKING to my BEAUTIFUL wife the other day (after silently giving thanks that she's so beautiful and that she IS my wife, but then wondering what the word "wife" really "means"), and I noted that "always" can have SEVERAL MEANINGS:

1. It can mean "all ways," as in every direction.
2. It can mean "at all times."

Then it occurred to me that words don't ACTUALLY have ANY FIXED MEANINGS. If one says that "always" means either of the things I specified above (or something I didn't specify, because I don't want this post to get too lengthy), one is giving credence to a certain ARBITRARY ritual of society, namely assuming that words MEAN something. Why do this? Why not, instead, assume that words are MEANINGLESS and communicate with hand gestures instead (yes, I KNOW that *SOME* deaf people already do this. Rather than derail this thread with accusations that I am generalizing, please MeMail me.) Also, my wife is really beautiful and perceptive. Here's a link to HER photo.

Let me put it another way: suppose this: suppose Fred and Alice are having the following conversation (and suppose Alice (not named after anyone here (Is there even anyone NAMED Alice (or Alicia) on MeFi)?) has Aspergers Syndrome): here's the dialogue:

Fred: When I say "always," I ALWAYS mean the same thing.
Alice: I have the right to interpret always any way I want.

Who is to say whether Fred or Alice is right? (If you have an opinion on this, please MeMail me or my lovely wife). Look, I was a TREMENDOUS geek in high school, and I didn't have a girlfriend until way after I was in my 40s and married. Now, as a HAPPILY MARRIED MAN, I realize that my problem was the fact that I'm extremely literal minded, don't understand sarcasm, hate irony and refuse to listen to music that was written before 1922.

Nazis are bad people.

Okay, with the greatest respect, I have to object to that -- even though I'm Jewish (non-practicing, atheist). SOME Nazis are bad people. SOME non-nazi's are bad people. The thing is, if you REALLY delve into what Nazis are saying, it's simply that some people are superior to others and that INFERIOR people should be put into gas chambers. (Luckily, my wife has blonde hair and nordic features!!!). This is a reasonable point of view from within their frame or reference.

I really think that if we're going to get along on Metafilter, without CONSTANT flame wars and snark, we MUST admit that the pro-Nazi folks and the anti-Nazi folks are really saying the SAME THING when you get beyond "words" an what those words "mean." (See above.) Who HASN'T wanted to gas a Jew at one time or another? Okay, I'll stand up and admit I have. If you CLAIM you haven't, then you must have some kind of ALIEN psychology that I simply can't fathom (MeMail me).

The thing about me is that I'm a theatre director and an Aspy! (Undiagnosed.) I bet you wish you had a wife like mine! (Or, if you're a straight female, I bet you wish I was your HUSBAND (MeMail me)).

Okay, I'm VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY sorry (though I stand by everything I said -- except for the part about Alice) if I OFFENDED anyone. You should probably apologize to me, too, but note that I'm more sorry than you can ever be. Clearly, I'm the only person here who feels the way that I do (except for the dozens of people who have MeMailed me in support, but who are too scared to post here, because of all the snark), so I'm going to bow out. I'm available via MeMail. So is my wife.

posted by grumblebee to MetaFilter-related at 10:49 AM (295 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

Advertise here: Contact FM.

Dismissive quotation of song lyric of dubious relevance.

tiny self-deprecating side joke
posted by yhbc at 10:51 AM on April 1

h gd m hd
posted by m0nm0n at 10:52 AM on April 1

Reference to a long-outdated MeFi in-joke in an attempt to endear myself to members with low user numbers.
posted by aheckler at 10:54 AM on April 1

grumblebee once again proving that he pretty much just enjoys typing.

(kidding, kidding! you know I'll always love you, GB)
posted by Afroblanco at 10:57 AM on April 1

I thought all our comments were self-parodies already.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:58 AM on April 1 [9 favorites]

I like everyone and would never insult any of youse.
posted by Mister_A at 11:01 AM on April 1

String of rambling profanities; Simpsons reference.
posted by Skot at 11:03 AM on April 1

I've been used to READING GRUMBLEBEE'S POST ALL MY LIFE.
posted by katillathehun at 11:04 AM on April 1

Hi y'all! I don't have anything to contribute but I felt like talking about myself. WOOOO!
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:04 AM on April 1

The.
posted by ardgedee at 11:05 AM on April 1

what
posted by trip and a half at 11:07 AM on April 1

Reference to a long-outdated MeFi in-joke in an attempt to establish my status as a long-time, low-numbered user..... and a bucket of cocks.
posted by carsonb at 11:09 AM on April 1

grumblebee, you are only having these problems because you profoundly misunderstand evolutionary theory.

You know who else profoundly misunderstood evolutionary theory?
posted by grouse at 11:10 AM on April 1

Well, in China....zzzzzzzzzzz
posted by Abiezer at 11:13 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]

I LOVE JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:16 AM on April 1 [5 favorites]

What the hell? Did you even read what I wrote? Cut out the condescension.

And yes, that's me, sitting in a pile of laundry - a picture only a deluded Aspy could love.
posted by Evangeline at 11:17 AM on April 1

The real defining characteristic of a good Bel-Air is having a dense block of text that is just interesting enough to encourage people to read all the way through it. There are advanced techniques - for example, one usually wants to have the Bel-Air itself near the end, but not precisely at the end, because many experienced netizens will check the end of a large block of text immediately, looking for the Bel-Air, and if they find it, will not read any more of the text, rendering the whole exercise pointless. Better is to include some innocuous and relevant text after the Bel-Air, to prevent this kind of simple scanning. Other characteristics of a truly great Bel-Air include, but are not limited to: the transition to the Bel-Air itself must be smooth - it's easy (and tempting) to simply inject the Bel-Air when the moment is right, without any heed for context, but an excellent Bel-Air will blend in seamlessly at first. Similarly, however, the contextual build-up must be slow and subtle - any savvy reader will notice the warning signs immediately if they are not adequately disguised, which will ruin the denouement. The trick is to slip into a Bel-Air so seamless, so smooth, so at once unexpected but immediately recognisable as appropriate once the trick has been revealed, that the reader feels a sense of amusement and perverse satisfaction at being hoodwinked so splendidly. Which, in fact, brings me back to my original point - this doesn't seem like a Bel-Air. It occurs to me that a reverse Bel-Air would be a situation where someone writes a long block of dry, quite dull text and the readers expect, for whatever reason, a Bel-Air, but the writer steadfastly refuses to include one, thus not fulfilling their expectations. That would probably be quite irksome, really.
posted by aheckler at 11:19 AM on April 1 [23 favorites]

Um, hello? I'm pretty sure this was already done by Swift in 1715. What, you don't know it? Well then....to quote Rousseau, il y aura dans tous les temps des hommes faits pour être subjugués par les opinions de leur siècle. Actually, I was doing some light reading (de Quincey) last night, and he had a great passage on this subject. You should read it, you might learn something.

For those remaining retards who don't understand Derrida's relationship to the death of the author, here's a hint: he's not the same as Saussure, no matter what your brainless professor might have told you.
posted by nasreddin at 11:22 AM on April 1 [14 favorites]

Please continue to make fun of yourselves. It pleases me. Also, does anyone have any sardines? Because I like sardines. I am not interested in anything in quonsar's pants.
posted by Ceiling Cat at 11:23 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

You people disgust me. Let's have a meetup!
posted by hermitosis at 11:23 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]

token quote from upthread
posted by hapless bystander who deserves much batter than the droning illogical rant about to follow at long before I showed up to derail the thread

Blah blah blah look at me drone on endlessly for 1000 words blah blah redundant redundant redundant redundant blah blah token link to the first result in a google search of whatever I'm blathering on about

ha ha setup the funny joke typo typo grammar error used which instead of that used that instead of which agonized over it and still got it wrong back to main point blah blah blah punch line back to point blah self-doubt blah blah forgot to include the word 'not' in the sentence and now it reads like I agree with the thing I'm disagreeing with blah redundnat blah copy paste error blah too insecure about my writing to ever proofread or revise so i just plow on through blah blah

begin substantive paragraph awkwardly and without transition blah blah self-doubt gives way to self-loathing i wish i knew how to write blah blah i wish i was better looking and more charming in person blah no one will read this because they hate me blah blahdie blah blah who the fuck is going to read a comment with so many blahs in it blah blah i wish i was dead blah blah here's where I rage rage and rage against the dying of the long forgotten light blah blah ruin a famous quote with my hamfisted paraphrasing blah blah should have just made a two line joke about a pants monster and moved on oh well too much invest in this now to delete it blah blah God so many typos cut-and-paste and grammar mistakes what the hell is wrong with me

i'm tired blah blah i'm hungry blah blah i think I'll just end this now blah blah I meant the comment blah not my life blah not yet anyway blah

token poignant ending sentence blah blah i should have my fingers severed and my account revoked

Blah.
posted by Pastabagel at 11:25 AM on April 1 [16 favorites]

Actually, the OED has citations putting "parody" in use a good six hundred years ago and with a distinctly different meaning:

A period of time; the termination or completion of such a period; esp. the end of life; death.

a1420 LYDGATE Troyyes Bk. (Augustus A.4) III. 4926 Antropos shal fyne For euer-more his lyues {th}rede to twyne..Whan {th}e parodie of {th}is wor{th}i kny{ygh}t [sc. Hector] Aprochen shal. a1425 (c1385) CHAUCER Troilus & Criseyde (1987) V. 1548 Among al this, the fyn of the parodie [v.r. paradoie; glossed (Harl. MS 2280) duracion] of Ector gan aprochen wonder blyve. ?a1439 LYDGATE tr. Fall of Princes (Bodl. 263) IV. 1600 Parodie [1554 periody] of pryncis may nat chaunged be, The terme sette fro which thei may nat flee.

Reading between the lines, it's hard not to see this post as a subtle attempt to leverage late-Middle English slang to suggest that your fellow mefites proceed toward "the end of" their own "life", i.e. to self-parody and rid the world of their presence. Totally not okay.
posted by cortex at 11:25 AM on April 1 [7 favorites]

This comment is a stupid, unfunny one-liner that gets many more favorites than anything actually clever or thoughtful I've said.
posted by dersins at 11:26 AM on April 1 [23 favorites]

Long, awesome story about someone famous I met or something incredible I did.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:26 AM on April 1 [13 favorites]

Reading between the lines, it's hard not to see this post as a subtle attempt to leverage late-Middle English slang to suggest that your fellow mefites proceed toward "the end of" their own "life", i.e. to self-parody and rid the world of their presence. Totally not okay.

Flag and move on.
posted by grumblebee at 11:28 AM on April 1

Excessive cursing for no reason! Also probably a lie.
posted by ND¢ at 11:29 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Thoughtful, humorous take on comment from beginning of post. Drug reference. Dog story. Delete before posting.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:29 AM on April 1 [5 favorites]

More defensiveness.
posted by Evangeline at 11:30 AM on April 1

Half-clever observation posted in lieu of factual statement that I'd have to defend.
posted by Bookhouse at 11:30 AM on April 1

Okay, I know I said I was going to bow out, but I just wanted to make sure everyone here GOT the fact that I'm no longer posting.
posted by grumblebee at 11:31 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Obvious joke that contributes nothing.
posted by bondcliff at 11:32 AM on April 1

Adding something I thought of after I hit post that would have gone in my first comment if I had spent more than 30 seconds thinking about it.
posted by ND¢ at 11:32 AM on April 1

Man, dude, science.

tight science
posted by solipsophistocracy at 11:33 AM on April 1

I'm a throw-away video game reference that got a lot of favorites because people loved me in 2007! But then I got a bunch of favs because I'm sarcastic and I tell people off! In my head I sound like Eddie the Shipboard Computer from Hitchhiker's! Also I'm the only out Satanist on MeFi!

I'm a cube!
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 11:36 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Mostly content-free , slightly dickish comment inserted into metatalk thread so the thread shows up in my recent activity in case it later becomes an epic flameout or longboat thread.
posted by dersins at 11:36 AM on April 1

anything i even remotely disagree with
posted by anyone

Jesus fuck, you dumb shits. I don't even know why I bother posting here when it's way fuckin clear that I am a) a million times more enlightened than you could ever be and also b) pretty much the handsomest dude who ever lived.

Secondly, I'd like to take a moment to personally and needlessly insult konolia/dios/ParisParamus/Ethereal Bligh/quonsar because it seems like an awful lot of work to empathize/read a bunch of law shit/ignore/write a 78-point rebuttal/post a picture of a peeing elephant.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:36 AM on April 1 [25 favorites]

Staying out of this thread; replying earnestly to AskMe instead.
posted by matildaben at 11:42 AM on April 1 [3 favorites]

Jesus fuck, you dumb shits. I don't even know why I bother posting here when it's way fuckin clear that I am a) a million times more enlightened than you could ever be and also b) pretty much the handsomest dude who ever lived.

Spoken like a true lock-stepping cog in the hyper-rational metafilter atheism machine. We'll see how smug you are after I use my tarot cards to put a spell on you...
posted by hermitosis at 11:42 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]

I'm pretty sure it's common sense that if you put your hand on a hot stove, you will burn yourself.
posted by any halfway reasonable person

Aha, you've stepped into my trap! What is the stove, and what is your hand? Can we be sure that "the stove" exists and is not some kind of construct of the contemporary field of capitalist power relations? You may have common sense, but I have endless persistence and will take over the entire thread with my bullheaded clinging to pointlessly contrarian positions! Eventually you will become frustrated and give up, and I'll smugly chalk another mark in the "win" column.
posted by nasreddin at 11:42 AM on April 1

reasonable quote by someone earnestly trying to make a complicated point, but taken out of context.

It's really telling that you'd put it that way. I've always thought that people of real moral character would never in a hundred years ever say what you just said, even in jest or to illustrate a larger point.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you have no moral character. I'm just pointing out that that's what YOU'RE saying about yourself by making that comment.

I recall, traipsing through the cavernous library of my memory, a sitcom moment from this television show of the 1970s that you've never heard of because you're a philestine wherein the paternal character, one Reginald B. Falsibald, turns to his wife and says "My dear, it is evident to all that you are a bitch."

Now, what's the difference between what he said, and what you said?

Well, first off, I think everyone can plainly see that his comment is both ironic and poignant, whereas yours is neither. Further, it bears remembering that when two people are in a room together, it's an entirely different social atmosphere and context than posting comments on a communal weblog.

You ARE aware that metafilter is a communal weblog, yes?

Lastly, I'd like to sum up with a conveniently specific piece of imagery that I think resembles our situation, here. If you can imagine for a moment that metafilter is a party, and we're all here having a good time. And then someone stands up and, in perfect imitation of the classic sample from The Beastie Boys' Paul's Boutiqe, yells "Well, if this is gonna be THAT kind of party, I'm a stick MY dick in the mashed potatoes!" We all laugh, because we all get the reference. Then you come along, steeped in ignorance, and actually put your genitals in the mashed potatoes. Nobody laughs.

That's what you've done with your sexist, racist and frankly idiotic comment. You've stuck your dick in all of our mashed potatoes, and I sincerely hope you feel ashamed of yourself for doing so. I'm certainly ashamed of you, and I feel confident everyone else here does, too.
posted by shmegegge at 11:42 AM on April 1 [13 favorites]

Obscure personal anecdote of questionable relevance.
posted by baphomet at 11:47 AM on April 1

DETROIT IS NOT A SHIT-HOLE!!11! (except for when it is)
posted by joe lisboa at 11:49 AM on April 1

good natured witticism
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 11:49 AM on April 1

I can't parody myself because I am a special snowflake and all of my comments are uniquely individual gems that defy summarization.
posted by amyms at 11:50 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Seek therapy, dude. I mean, SEEK THERAPY, dude.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:52 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

[Political thread version]

*Flashes Metafilter Thought Police badge*

Opening sentences sarcastically agreeing with conservative commentator/television ideologue/LiveJournal entry.

Most absurd, easy-to-ridicule bits I could find, put in a blockquote format.

More sarcasm, clumsy attempts at irony and an overly-long mixed metaphor. Link to .pdf file I don't expect anyone to read which supposedly destroys the position of the person I quoted.

*Hits Post Comment, reads my post again, giggles. Then sees typos, logical fallacies, inaccuracies. Regret ensues.*
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:53 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]

And then someone stands up and, in perfect imitation of the classic sample from The Beastie Boys' Paul's Boutiqe, yells "Well, if this is gonna be THAT kind of party, I'm a stick MY dick in the mashed potatoes!" We all laugh, because we all get the reference. Then you come along, steeped in ignorance, and actually put your genitals in the mashed potatoes. Nobody laughs.

Actually, I believe everyone laughs at you - not because of your constant moralizing, mind - but rather, I think folks who aren't shallow hipster/poseurs know that the line is from Mantan Moreland and used on Ill Communication, which I think is over-rated; IMO.*

*All of the above was gleaned from a few minutes of frantic Googling, but I'm gonna make like I knew it all along.
Hi, Kirth!

*Picks navel*
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:54 AM on April 1

Christ, MetaTalk isn't the place for this.

I'm pretty much a self-parody all the time
posted by GuyZero at 11:54 AM on April 1

Irrelevant anecdote involving drinking, drugs, and the Deep South. Defensive reaction to perceived negative response. Attempt to defuse tension with joke everyone knows already. Reference to Hüsker Dü.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:56 AM on April 1 [5 favorites]

This thread puts the meta in metafilter.

And in keeping with the spirit of the thread:

Half baked argument with no real support that I never follow up on because I didn't believe that strongly in the thrust of the comment in the first place

(favorites please, k thx)
posted by orville sash at 11:56 AM on April 1

tl; dr
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:57 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

DTMFA blah blah blah SLYT blah blah meetups blah blah Zac Efron blah blah Stynxno blah blah blah blah lip gloss.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:58 AM on April 1 [11 favorites]

Oh, let me add something about Canada.
posted by GuyZero at 11:58 AM on April 1

;_;

=^_^=

d(-_-)b
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:00 PM on April 1

Paul Weller!
posted by scody at 12:02 PM on April 1 [3 favorites]

inevitable xkcd link.
posted by shmegegge at 12:02 PM on April 1

Pithy little comment that I think is funny but no one else does that manages to end the thread.
posted by tommasz at 12:03 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Faggot and move on.
posted by Curry at 12:03 PM on April 1

On the blue: Overly agreeable comment, with a forgettable personal experience presented in such a way that no one even notices it.

On the grey: Lame one-liner that I regret almost instantly, but that garners favorites.

On the green: HEY! I'M A FREAKIN' ARTIST FROM THE SOUTH!!!! BOW BEFORE MY MIGHTY WISDOM!!!!
posted by 1f2frfbf at 12:05 PM on April 1

One-liner that floated briefly into my conscious mind, after not having read the full text of the post or any of the thread. With small text for the purposes of an aside.

[Wait, that's not a parody.]
posted by not_on_display at 12:06 PM on April 1

Mis bigotes son fantasticos, Gringo estupido tonto.
posted by dirty lies at 12:06 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

...Spring always follows Winter.

It depends what you mean by "Spring," "always," "follows" and "Winter."

For instance, I was RAPPING to my BOUNTIFUL wife the other day (after silently giving thanks that she's so beautiful and that she RESEMBLES my wife, but then wondering what the word "wife" really "means"), and I noted that "always" can have MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES:

1. It can mean "all ways," as in every direction.
2. It can mean "at all times."

Then it occurred to me that words don't ALWAYS have A FIXED PRICE. If one says that "always" means either of the things I specified above (or something I didn't specify, because I don't want this post to get too lengthy), one is giving credence to a certain PERVERSE ritual of society, namely assuming that words COST something. Why do this? Why not, instead, assume that words are DELICIOUS and communicate with hand gestures instead (yes, I SPECULATE that *FRENCH* deaf people already do this. Rather than derail this thread with accusations that I am generalizing, please MeMail me.) Also, my wife is really beautiful and perceptive. Here's a link to MATT'S photo.

Let me put it another way: suppose this: suppose Fred and Alice are having the following conversation (and suppose Alice (not named after anyone here (Is there even anyone LIKE Alice (or Alicia) on MeFi)?) has Aspergers Syndrome): here's the dialogue:

Fred: When I say "always," I MIGHT mean the same thing.
Alice: I have the right to interpret always any way I want.

Who is to say whether Fred or Alice is right? (If you have an opinion on this, please MeMail me or my lovely wife). Look, I was a FABULOUS geek in high school, and I didn't have a girlfriend until way after I was in my 40s and married. Now, as a PRIZE-WINNING DRAG QUEEN, I realize that my problem was the fact that I'm extremely literal minded, don't understand sarcasm, hate irony and refuse to listen to music that was written before 1922.

Nazis are bad people.

Okay, with the greatest respect, I have to object to that -- even though I'm Jewish (non-practicing, atheist). SKEPTIC Nazis are bad people. CURIOUS non-nazi's are bad people. The thing is, if you MUST delve into what Nazis are saying, it's simply that some people are superior to others and that FLATULENT people should be put into gas chambers. (Luckily, my wife has blonde hair and nordic features!!!). This is a reasonable point of view from within their frame or reference.

I really think that if we're going to get along on Metafilter, without COSY flame wars and snark, we RELUCTANTLY admit that the pro-Nazi folks and the anti-Nazi folks are really saying the LORD'S PRAYER when you get beyond "words" an what those words "mean." (See above.) Who YESTERDAY wanted to gas a Jew at one time or another? Okay, I'll stand up and admit I have. If you NOD you haven't, then you must have some kind of CLASSICAL psychology that I simply can't fathom (MeMail me).

The thing about me is that I'm a theatre director and an Aspy! (Undiagnosed.) I bet you wish you had a wife like mine! (Or, if you're a straight female, I bet you wish I was your FERRET (MeMail me)).

Okay, I'm MEGA MEGA MEGA MEGA MEGA sorry (though I stand by everything I said -- except for the part about Alice) if I TICKLED anyone. You should probably apologize to me, too, but note that I'm more sorry than you can ever be. Clearly, I'm the only person here who feels the way that I do (except for the dozens of people who have MeMailed me in support, but who are too scared to post here, because of all the snark), so I'm going to bow out. I'm available via MeMail. So is my wife.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 12:06 PM on April 1

Dsmvwlld cmmnt tht trs t b clvr by sng b@d 1337sp3@k th@t cr1cVmv3nts d1s3mv0wll1ng.
posted by chrdrc at 12:07 PM on April 1

You should all be kinder to yourselves and love yourselves -- and also love each other and be kind to each other -- except if you are sexist or fileshare without ever directly supporting musicians -- in which case fuck you right in the ear with an elephant pizzle.
posted by melissa may at 12:10 PM on April 1 [6 favorites]

Not so much a self-parody a metacommentary, but given that this metacommentary comes in the form of a parody, and is on Metafilter, it’s like a Meta meta self-parody parody. I believe this to work perfectly.

SpiffyRob
(to the tune of “Ana Ng”, apologies to J. Linnell)

Take a song with a tune most of us know
Change the words just a bit make it relevant
So the joke comes off semi-timely
Even though the technique’s super hackneyed
Work in references from Simpsons and Seinfeld
Mention baseball and esoteric jazz
Wrap it up with some MeFi injokes
Apply to ends of threads ??? Profit!

SpiffyRob likes to post parodies
But he still hasn’t made his own FPP therefore is worthless
Listen Spiffy hear my rant
It’s the one you would hear if you dared to contribute a bit.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:12 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

*lurk*
posted by greekphilosophy at 12:13 PM on April 1

YOU FUCKING MORONS
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:13 PM on April 1 [4 favorites]

Fuck-patties dinglewhore! Arrr, I don't know what I'm doing.
posted by Skot at 12:15 PM on April 1

Also, by the way, but I love that the mods put up with--and particpate in--our periodic Metatalk insanity parties.
posted by Skot at 12:17 PM on April 1

And Chicago hot dogs suck.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:17 PM on April 1

Self-righteous, moralistic American twats! What do you mean, I can't use the word cunt? I'm not using in the misogynistic American manner, I'm completely using it in the ironic, British, 'my best mate is a cunt' manner.

If you cultural imperialist bastards don't like that, you can all go fuck yourselves!
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:18 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Writes long rambling post but realises how terrible it is when re-reading the Live Preview. Hits main page link. Posts short one-line comment containing at least two possibly relevant links on entirely different FPP.
posted by Electric Dragon at 12:19 PM on April 1

I thought all our comments were self-parodies already.

Possbily, but hard to tell. If P_s is the amount of self parody, defined by comments¹ then we need to establish that all comments are self parodying, or if you will, P_S= 1, where P_s =C_{P_s} / C_tot

While I'm willing to state that P_s is very close to one, I'm not willing to assert, without formal proof, that the entire set of {C} are part of the Set of {P_s}. Indeed, this is very similar to the concept of not-cleverness in comments, and if you can prove that {C}={NC}, well, you'll be very close to solving several other perplexing problems.²

So, it's a very hard question to answer, and to be frank, I'm not sure our society is willing to undergo the change required. This will probably be very bad for Al Gore.³

1) Definition of comments is left as an exercise for the student.

2) Oh, like anyone reads the goddamn footnotes. You spend all this fucking time doing the research, and they shave off the abstract and republish. COCKTARDS.

3) Referencing old MeFi jokes is actually not a horrible idea. It's just not very good.
posted by eriko at 12:19 PM on April 1

I don't see how this is Metafilter-related. There is no connection between April Fool's Day and Metafilter, other than the fact that some people--who apparently want to turn this place into some archived chatroom for every idle thought and whimsy that enters their head--have tried to turn Metafilter into their playbox where they have to beat tired injokes into dust. And that is all this thread is: a contrived attempt at injokes. This is the kind of thing that creates a barrier of entry to new voices and just reinforces the idea that this place is an elitist echo-chamber. The place would be a lot better off if we just stuck to trying to be a place where we are open and share new and interesting things, and then talk intelligently about them. Fostering discord by way of insular shit-flinging at strawmen of each other ought to be discouraged.

This kind of thing just hurts Metafilter, so maybe it is Metafilter-related in that sense.
posted by dios at 12:19 PM on April 1 [69 favorites]

oh my god, dios. i think you just won the thread.
posted by shmegegge at 12:22 PM on April 1

Man, that obscure video game from twenty years ago was pretty great. Not as good as that musician who even free-jazz fans find rambling and irritating--you'd really love him, though. Also, this easy joke.
posted by box at 12:25 PM on April 1

Brief comment that gets posted containing a typo and / or faulty grammar after long cycle of previewing and editing.
posted by rjs at 12:26 PM on April 1

Feminism. Poetry. What's all this about looking at boobies, hmmm? <>
Also, I agree with every single letter that Miko types.
posted by jokeefe at 12:26 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: are sexist or fileshare without ever directly supporting musicians
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:27 PM on April 1

There is no connection between April Fool's Day and Metafilter

Not here, in any case - it's already April the 2nd down under.

Metafilter isn't all American, you know.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:29 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Appeal to authority. Wizdoodle neologism. MF Doom/Gza lyric. Refresh MeTa.
posted by kosem at 12:30 PM on April 1

I already thought my comments were self-parody. Your taste in music is terrible, and you're an infidel.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:33 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

THIS IS A MODERATELY STRANGE TANGENTIAL COMMENT THAT IS FOCUSED ON METAFILTER NAVELGAZING IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! ALSO, I HATE ALL OF THE NEW FEATURES ON THE SITE! ASKMETAFILTER? WHAT'S THAT?
posted by Kwine at 12:36 PM on April 1

Well, let me present a thoughtful perspective on the whole controversy in a paragraph or two.
posted by Pumpkin Fries at 2:24 PM on April 1 [153 favorites +] [!]
Pumpkin Fries is completely wrong, and here's why.
posted by Burger Trio at 2:32 PM on April 1 [144 favorites +] [!]
Ah, but what if I clarify my points in light of your criticism? Would that help?
posted by Pumpkin Fries at 2:50 PM on April 1 [243 favorites +] [!]
This still does not make any sense. How about this...
posted by Burger Trio at 3:14 PM on April 1 [532 favorites +] [!]

STOP PERSUADING ME!
posted by theiconoclast31 at 12:36 PM on April 1

*FAVORITES CORTEX*
posted by Kwine at 12:37 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Since most of my comments do exactly this, what I'd have to do is post something serious and thoughtful.

Yeah, right. Fat fucking chance.
posted by Eideteker at 12:39 PM on April 1

You know, this reminds me of a story ...
posted by The Whelk at 12:46 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

"reasonable quote by someone earnestly trying to make a complicated point, but taken out of context."

BULLSHIT!

An aside, a quip,

a

four

paragraph

self-important

rant

(likely fueled by drugs or booze, I remind you)
posted by klangklangston at 12:46 PM on April 1

Actually I think this was a good post in theory, let me show you how *I* would have done it -
posted by The Whelk at 12:49 PM on April 1

Even though it's eminently fucking sensible, I just don't fucking get why many people think X -- for the simple fucking reason that I am way, way, way iconoclastically unconventional and utterly unlike most people. [snort of self-regard] Also, in MY fucking day, bland middle-aged frumps constantly engaged in smug grumpy Luddite nostalgia lectures, and we SHUT UP and LIKED IT. There just is no basic fucking politeness or common goddamn sense left on my kid-filled lawn nowadays. [harumph]

Now let me just insert some gratuitous regional/ethnic or early-20th century slang that I probably heard in a bad movie and which sounds ludicrous coming from an aging middle-class overeducated relentlessly caucasian female but which I cling to deludedly as part of an Idiosyncratic Voice. Oh well, that's me all over! Twenty-three skidoo!

If all else fails, how about a hamfisted, self-backpatting pop culture reference?

In conclusion, fuck.
posted by FelliniBlank at 12:50 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Ah, this is the perfect opportunity for me to make a pointless reference to how I hate Chris Ware. Or Miranda July. Or Sufjan Stevens. Or babies.

Also, I used to be PinkStainlessTail. Have I mentioned that recently?
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 12:51 PM on April 1

Sings yet another song in a voice that's a little too wimpy and then in an insecure way tries to be self-deprecating by commenting on the wimpy voice, finally says:
Something about my kids.
posted by chococat at 12:54 PM on April 1

Drunk hyperbole that i check on for days to see if it get's any favorites, that I later realize has a typo and end up feeling mortified, followed by a shelving of my FPP because I am sure I am just not up to it.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 12:58 PM on April 1

thnk 'll pst sm rndm stff.

Trty:
1. frml grmnt btwn tw r mr stts, s n rfrnc t trms f pc r trd nd/ r Th dcmnt n whch sch n grmnt s st dwn.
2. cntrct r grmnt.
3. Ngttn fr th prps f rchng n grmnt (bslt)
4. n ntrt (bslt).
5. Pct, r ccrd ( wrttn grmnt btwn tw stts r svrgns)
6. n grmnt ndr ntrntnl lw ntrd nt b ctrs n ntrntnl lw, nml svrgn stts nd ntrntnl rgnztns. trt m ls b knwn s: (ntrntnl) grmnt, prtcl, cvnnt, cnvntn, xchng f lttrs, tc. Rgrdlss f th trmnlg, ll f ths ntrntnl grmnts ndr ntrntnl lw r qll trts nd th rls r th sm. (Nt tht n ntd Stts cnstttnl lw, th trm "trt" hs spcl mnng whch s mr rstrctd thn ts mnng n ntrntnl lw; s blw.)

N n ntcs m sckpppt, nywy.
posted by chrdrc at 12:59 PM on April 1

"Jesus, where are we?" two girls stood in a featureless grey room.

"I don't know. The Gate can be unpredictable."

The first girl moved her hand across the stone wall. It rippled. It twisted. It became a mirror.

"God! A dark mirror!"

"Look! Look at us!" One of the girls shrieked. In the mirror was every nasty thing she ever said, every horrible thought she ever had about herself, all beautifully clear and crisp. It was terrible. It was honest.

The other girl wailed at the mirror, clawing at it, throwing her entire soul against it, but to no avail. The mirror remained and the girls remained ..in the grey room with the mirror and themselves.

Then they do it.

Also, it takes place in the future.

Also, one of them is Starbuck.
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Transparently needy one liner; something about Ireland.
posted by minifigs at 1:02 PM on April 1

Amazon links to fourteen books on the subject and a pointless anecdote I learned in my career as a perpetual student.
posted by winna at 1:03 PM on April 1

Yadda yadda, answers your AskMe question. Yadda yadda, some joke about how your cat is, in fact, an asshole. Yadda yadda, fine just eat it.
posted by jerseygirl at 1:05 PM on April 1

MetaFilter: A parody of yourself
posted by Rock Steady at 1:06 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

SUDDENLY AT THE END OF THE THREAD I GOT SOME RAINBOWS AND DAISIES AND FUCKING UNICORN MAGIC FOR YALL

*CASTS SUMMON KITTYCAT*
*CASTS ACQUIRE E-GIRLFRIEND*

if you like these kind of jokes check out my self-plagiarizing work on several other sites
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:08 PM on April 1

totally awesome, thoroughly researched, apropos, and from out of nowhere comment from an otherwise long-forgotten, if ever known, noobish malcontent.
posted by the aloha at 1:12 PM on April 1

I have very carefully read and considered each and every comment in this thread and I have to say that I think you're all doing a wonderful job and I have send home-baked cookies to each and every one of you, except klangklangston, until he apologizes for calling that other person retarded.

I'll be on the road a lot in the next two weeks so I hope that you'll just be on your best behavior because that's really the way people should treat each other and I know you all really care what I have to say so much that it's likely you'll actually listen to me.

I think about all of you all the time, and cortex and I talk about how you've been doing at night after you've gone to bed. Did I mention I also work in a library?
posted by jessamyn at 1:14 PM on April 1 [30 favorites]

Disproportionately angry rant about some random minor annoyance. Low-level contempt towards anyone who doesn't realize that I'm half-joking. Even-snarkier follow-up comment composed, but abandoned without posting. Irritation towards others dissipating shortly after leaving the thread.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:14 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Also, I used to be PinkStainlessTail.

ooh, i love your music! do you have anything up on Mefi Music?

and no, i'm not being totally disingenuous. i don't even know what that means.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:16 PM on April 1

I would do anything for love. But I won't do that.
posted by jbickers at 1:16 PM on April 1

[makes snarky, half-serious apology for username's relation actual thoughts and feelings of topic under discussion]
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:18 PM on April 1

That's not the real jessamyn–she didn't mention her talk at SXSW!!!!

HAHAHAHA

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS PARODY OR WHAT ANYMORE! OTTERS ABOUND ON MY NECK!!!
posted by Mister_A at 1:19 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

This thread is useless without jonmc insulting The Smiths and extolling The Ramones.
posted by matildaben at 1:23 PM on April 1

This Is Just to [blank]

I have [blank]
the [blank]s
that were in
the [blank]

and which
you were probably
[blank]ing
for [blank]

Forgive me
I am tedious
so predictable
and so [blank]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:25 PM on April 1 [32 favorites]

Ham-fisted, insensitive comment asking for naked photos of female mefite.
posted by dg at 1:28 PM on April 1

One-liner posted so far downthread that no one reads it.
posted by JoanArkham at 1:29 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Late to the thread and no reading before inserting half-cocked disenchanted idealist rant buffered by a 1000 word overshare on a topic no one wanted to encounter at whatever time it is in their part of the world.

Bizarrely vague retelling of a random anecdote which only tangentially relates to topic at hand.

Overfond salute to exasperated near-strangers with a few self-deprecation landmines sown liberally to defuse any tension caused by overeager, inappropriately serious blurt at beginning of comment.

disclaimer-ish aside with tang of sarcasm in tiny letters to minimise interest.
posted by batmonkey at 1:30 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Encouraging comment ending with, "you can do it!"
posted by Grlnxtdr at 1:31 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Huh. Shades of the revenge taken by Justinian Rhinotmetus ("Slitnose"), the maimed Emperor of Byzantium.

By the by, here's a book that will interest maybe two people.
posted by Iridic at 1:36 PM on April 1

la la la I'm a librarian la la la
posted by Biblio at 1:39 PM on April 1

This is where I quote something you said.

This is where I make a snarky quip.

This is where I present data or anecdata that refutes what you said. If there is data, I will link to the source.

If relevant - or sometimes even not - I might mention that I've gotten married to my partner four times. I'll add that we've had to do this because we're both women and we live in California.
posted by rtha at 1:42 PM on April 1 [4 favorites]

Carefully considered obscure nerdy reference intended to tempt other turbo-nerds to favorite me just because they recognize the reference.

(Also, while we're on the subject, Operator Number 5 and the Continental Op could totally take James Bond and Mike Hammer in a fight. )

Tiny comment hoping I'm not to late to join the gag.
posted by The Man from Lardfork at 1:42 PM on April 1

I am rich and my butler surfs.
posted by pianomover at 1:43 PM on April 1

By the by, here's a book that will interest maybe two people.

Roussel! Yay! I claim slot one!
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:43 PM on April 1

Grumpy reference to 9622 to appear to be more of an old-timer than user number reveals.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 1:43 PM on April 1

Craven attempt to garner favorites. Mention that I live in the Virgin Islands. Anecdote about my wife, main purpose of which is to let let you know I have a wife. Speeling error. Run-on sentence that I will agonize over for days sure that everyone must think that I am some uneducated heathen and have never even heard of punctuation.

Small jokey aside whose only real purpose is to demonstrate that I have learned an html tag.

*runs to refresh profile page for the twentieth time today praying that someone, anyone, likes what I write enough to favorite it.*
posted by Bango Skank at 1:44 PM on April 1 [7 favorites]

You know, a few years ago I did something kind of cool that is only slightly related to the topic at hand but it did generate a somewhat self-effacing anecdote that makes me seem kind of hip.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:46 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Wow, that was way more honest than I meant to be.
posted by Bango Skank at 1:48 PM on April 1 [3 favorites]

I am Meta's raging bile duct.
posted by This is Flo's New Sockpuppet at 1:52 PM on April 1

Joke about cortex
posted by qvantamon at 1:52 PM on April 1

Comment of entirely random quantity and quality.
posted by owtytrof at 1:53 PM on April 1

LOL CORTEX'S MOM
posted by dersins at 1:55 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Not drunk enough to post in here yet, not because I need to be drunk to post, but because I hate you small minded idiots a bit less the drunker I get.
posted by Elmore at 1:55 PM on April 1

Ah fuck, I forgot to curse.
posted by Elmore at 1:55 PM on April 1

Reference to 9622. LULZ.
posted by kldickson at 1:55 PM on April 1

I always have to add something else. That's what I get for being drunk when posting. Fuck.
posted by Elmore at 1:56 PM on April 1

I live in Philadelphia! We invented freedom. Also, morbid obesity and pre-diabetes!
posted by Mister_A at 1:58 PM on April 1

Abrasive snark.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:04 PM on April 1

Please love me!
posted by stavrogin at 2:07 PM on April 1

A cry for help.
posted by stavrogin at 2:07 PM on April 1

I have a professional license. And it is not to drive. Oddly enough; the world is still intact three days after this occured...
posted by new and improved buzzman IV at 2:11 PM on April 1

Abrasive snark.

After 12 minutes of panicked brain-wracking, byzantine pun replacing "abrasive snark" with lyrics from a Paul Revere and the Raiders b-side.
posted by FelliniBlank at 2:13 PM on April 1

What nasreddin said, except that Derrida was a conman who just typed whatever gibberish occurred to him and enjoyed pulling the wool over the eyes of his deluded followers, and nasreddin should get his head out of his postmodern ass and acknowledge reality. (Insert quote from modernist poet to cover up blatant triviality of rest of comment.)

a1420 LYDGATE Troyyes Bk. (Augustus A.4) III. 4926 Antropos shal fyne For euer-more his lyues {th}rede to twyne..Whan {th}e parodie of {th}is wor{th}i kny{ygh}t [sc. Hector] Aprochen shal.

For fuck's sake, can't you take the trouble to insert the proper formatting and characters? Here, let me do it for you:

a1420 LYDGATE Troyyes Bk. (Augustus A.4) III. 4926 Antropos shal fyne For euer-more his lyues þrede to twyne..Whan þe parodie of þis worþi knyȝt [sc. Hector] Aprochen shal.

Now, was that so hard? (Insert sycophantic in-joke to make clear that I really respect cortex and have no desire to be banninated so hard my ears will ring for weeks.)

Also, I miss (insert name of obscure former MeFite no one with a user number over 20,000 has ever heard of).
posted by languagehat at 2:13 PM on April 1 [12 favorites]

Lengthy comment that explains in detail: how to become an awesome public speaker, how to choose clothing that flatters your figure, how you can seem awesomely charming in social settings, why you should watch The Office (because it's awesome), mentions that I like cats, and uses the word "awesome" no fewer than four times.
Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:16 PM on April 1

This is the first sentence of a long digression on a tangentially-related matter about which I read a book several years ago, perhaps even an article in USA Today. This sentence contains a vacuous link to a wikipedia article in order to make my comment more substantive. Here, I either spew an anecdote, a folksy witticism, or an allusion to a meme in order to hold your attention.
(Line break, to waste your pixels.)
Depending on whether or not I proofread the post, I may or may not try to relate concepts described above in an attempt to provide coherence and closure. One thing's for sure though: (folksy witticism) (obtuse analogy including pop-culture allusion) (expletive).
posted by The White Hat at 2:17 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

languagehat, what's your opinion on Strunk and White?

*ducks for cover*
posted by grumblebee at 2:26 PM on April 1

Apology for ham-fisted, insensitive comment that was intended as a joke but that all the narrow-minded idiots took seriously.
posted by dg at 2:29 PM on April 1 [4 favorites]

Something about my kids or about food, possibly both.
posted by padraigin at 2:38 PM on April 1

Clicks on the AskMeFi: Human Relations category.

Reads extremely interesting question about a problem in someone else's life that he can totally relate to.

Realizes that the thread already has 35 comments even though it was posted at 2:00 a.m. EDT and it's now 10:00 a.m. EDT. Wonders if AskMeFites don't sleep, or just all live outside the U.S.

Realizes he has nothing to add that hasn't already been said by the 35 36 commenters, and, at any rate, has no idea what kind of advice to give because he's just as clueless as to how to fix the problem, which is why he lurks on AskMe all the time looking to soak up helpful advice about (ostensibly) other people's problems.
posted by Tin Man at 2:40 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Some spirited comment that will be written rashly and while I pretend to read it in the preview window, I've already hit post comment.
posted by cavalier at 2:41 PM on April 1

When I'm encouraged to talk is when I least feel inclined to. Somebody have a serious conversation about something so I can butt in inappropriately.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:42 PM on April 1

And here is where I'll actually read the comment and say SHIT! I missed the letter h in that word, wrestle with the pro/con of correcting myself. This takes about ten seconds and I neurotically debate how many people are going to think less of me for typing incorrectly versus correcting myself for it.

Then I usually post the correction, while trying to be self deprecating to save the criticism that I imagine has been silently welling from readers all around me.
posted by cavalier at 2:42 PM on April 1

Screw all of you and your pretentious use of Latin terms, though if you have a bad tooth and/or a really cool Victorian house, I will go out of my way to help you. Also, yay for cantankerousness.
posted by HopperFan at 2:43 PM on April 1

This is the first sentence of a long digression on a tangentially-related...

lol digestion of tanned genitals
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:43 PM on April 1

Hmm. Not so much parody as self cleansing meta? I'll still do the post-post comment thing though. Watch for it. Or give me a 3 minute window. Gief, as the kids say.
posted by cavalier at 2:43 PM on April 1

It doesn't really seem right to have a thread like this when the facts of the matter are pretty clear: anything Quark makes is bound to be better than anything Neelix makes, simply because Quark has the ingredients of the Alpha quadrant readily available to him and Neelix does not. Which is why I was able to make Quark's Modela Aperitif the other day with no problem; all the ingredients are Terran. (link to my recipe, previously posted on ask.metafilter in response to the question "What will make my relationship more stable?")

And don't pull out whatever tired-ass Peter David novel said that Neelix has access to seeds from the hydroponic bay or whatever; we're talking about Canon, here, not the flights of fancy of some X-Factor-writing hack. Back when I was growing up in New Hampshire, the comic store used to carry Peter David's ST:TNG novels, and they played FAST AND FUCKING LOOSE with canon, so that Memory Beta shit is hardly going to hold up in a serious debate about who's the better chef. Jesus. This new movie adaptation makes me sick.

Also, maybe something about my balls.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:43 PM on April 1 [3 favorites]

something I regret instantly! yeah!
posted by Rinku at 2:46 PM on April 1

I wonder if people would have the nerve to flag/delete this comment if I turned the discussion to the disadvantages of being a male -- of which there are many, BTW. Actually, I'd almost prefer it if you did, since then I could leverage the incident into getting Mefites to check out my blog.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:49 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

There are absolutely no disadvantages to being a male. I've meen a male my whole life and I'm still breathin'!
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:51 PM on April 1

Hey, guys! Just popped in to say (1) no, this thread is not the fault of Christians and (2) for bright people, none of you know anything whatsoever about the Bible. Honestly, just let it rest and leave it to the professionals.

Also, I'm available for marriage counseling. I think you can make it work if you want to.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 2:51 PM on April 1 [12 favorites]

OK, I'm much drunker nows and I think you guys are all great. Metafilter is like the best 3 euro I ever spent. I love you fuckers.
posted by Elmore at 3:01 PM on April 1

Half-clever observation posted in lieu of factual statement that I'd have to defend.

Response to comment you missed because you were skimming the whole thread, which by the time you come across it is really long, which forces you to do a search for part of the original comment, because the response seems kind of interesting, or at least like it might be interesting if you understood it in the context of the comment it's referring to, but then it turns out, no, it's not really interesting at all, but some idiot favorited it anyway.
posted by hifiparasol at 3:05 PM on April 1

Quick apology for posting something someone else already said more articulately.
posted by hifiparasol at 3:06 PM on April 1

I can't parody myself, since I already feel like my entire life has been self-parody.
posted by dw at 3:09 PM on April 1

Throwaway snark based on mistaking dw for DU and / or dg.
posted by dersins at 3:13 PM on April 1

South African trivia.
posted by PenDevil at 3:14 PM on April 1

Quoted comment culled from article or preceding conversation.

Salient, on topic response followed up by intentionally misunderstood-in-the-worst-possible-way point. Tenuous chain of logic linking misunderstood point to absurd speculative villainy.

Paranoid rhetoric, references to obscure conspiracies, concluded with a surrealist statement that has virtually nothing to do with previous points. Assumption that all previous statements are clear and obvious to anyone not crazy.

Whatever the strange voices are saying goes here in smaller text.
posted by quin at 3:15 PM on April 1

Political statement I disagree with.

*writes long, angry rant and then deletes it*

*writes long, angry rant and then deletes it*

*writes long, angry rant and then deletes it*

*writes long, angry rant and then deletes it*

Posts random YouTube video to hide rage.
posted by Bookhouse at 3:16 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Waits excitedly for AskMe about New Zealand, then decides not to answer it.
Posts irrelevant comment to jokey Metatalk thread.
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 3:20 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

One liner. One liner. Tangentially related personal anecdote. One liner.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 3:24 PM on April 1

the disadvantages of being a male -- of which there are many, BTW.

nobody would put up with a statement like that if it was about females. sexism goes both ways, you know.

on preview: new zealanders have sex with sheep, lol amirite?
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:32 PM on April 1

Un coup de dés

jamais
quand bien même lancé dans des circonstances
éternelles
du fond d'un naufrage ...

Well, you know the rest.
posted by Wolof at 3:33 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Carefully crafted
My comment sits in quiet blue
Begging for favorites.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 3:34 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

[Long excerpt from popular book or short story, with a few key names and phrases altered to mock subject of FPP]

[Fake "transcript" of conversation mocking subject of FPP]

[Fun with the extended character set]

Also, read this book I liked.

small text joke
posted by Rhaomi at 3:46 PM on April 1

You know who's a really good writer? Percival Everett.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:50 PM on April 1

new zealanders have sex with sheep, lol amirite?
Only if they play their cards right. Sheep are pretty choosy.
posted by dg at 3:50 PM on April 1

Celebrate April Fools Day by writing a parody of yourself.

I did this. In my late twenties, after a string of comments that went badly, I made a comment in a truly nice thread -- and treated the poster like garbage. I realized then that the problem likely wasn't the FPPs, but the kind of person I was.

So, I said to heck with it. I stopped trying to get favorites, or anything else for that matter, and focused on being a better reader. This transcended the blue, though; I didn't see it as a period of lurking. Instead, I thought of it as a chance to take a time-out, and make sure the kind of comments I was making matched the kind of person I wanted to be.

My first (and biggest) step was to address a big flaw that I perceived in my personality: I was prone to writing long, drawn-out askme responses and never following up to see if my advice was taken. I spent the next few months making sure that I followed up on every askme question that I could remember responding to, even two that that I answered with a lame joke.

There was more to it than that, but I started liking the person I was more than I ever had before, and I learned that I have control over threads than I'd realized. As it happened, the askme commenting extended to a casual comment about a very small thing to someone I barely knew at all -- and the followup on that comment led to the wonderful wife and two terrific children (not to mention dogs) that I have in my life today.

Plus, at the end of the day, I know I deserve the favorites that I get, because I favorite so many myself.

So just remember: make the focus of your comments about the FPP, not wendell or lolcats or anything derailing like that, and don't be afraid to allow favorites into your life (or flagging to happen) even if you're not "done" with the comment -- because technically, you should never be done.
posted by davejay at 3:52 PM on April 1 [7 favorites]

Why isn't there a "sloppy sentimental crap that has no place on MeTa" flag?

aside clarifying that the above is a joke and you should get the fuck over it, you thin-skinned dickhead
posted by dg at 3:59 PM on April 1

Written poorly, earnestness, and infrequent something about books, bread, or bikes. It's as if I'm being distract
posted by Toekneesan at 4:03 PM on April 1

It makes sense that I love reading my own writing so much. Think about it. What other writer would be likelier to share my taste and interests? [Which, nothing personal, are really a lot more interesting than yours.]

I think that was a pretty clever aperçu, if I do say so myself. [Please note the correct reproduction of the cedilla.] You may ( ...I hope... ) reward me with favorites now.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:03 PM on April 1

Hey. New Zealanders are nice, clean, articulate people with a generosity of spirit that astounds me. Just the other day a kiwi offered to pay ME to give me oral sex in a public bathroom. Australians, on the other hand, are just like the British.
posted by stavrogin at 4:04 PM on April 1 [3 favorites]

The only one of those threads where we spend the whole goddamn point. That level of enlightenment you imply. Your anecdote about the terrorists. And what we're talking about, here. The reason this was a nice idea while it lasted.
posted by ook at 4:07 PM on April 1

Description of an aspect of the discussion not properly getting its due. Perceived redundancy highlighted. Explanatory reiteration of a few points upthread for benefit of obtuse argumentative participants. Reference to Philadelphia.

* List of
* Reasoned
* Considerations

A question? An nthing.

Slight concession to contrary point, but ultimately siding overall with one or more of the following types of commenters: jessamynae, cortices, queers, women, any of my contacts (especially you people you know who you are), foodies, English majors, Philadelphians, Mefites.

moderately amusing disclaimer
posted by desuetude at 4:21 PM on April 1

Extraneous comment containing profanity
posted by desuetude at 4:22 PM on April 1

Hip-hop terminology or 80's era New York punk rocker slang, Aubrey-Maturin reference, swears, mockery, expression of sincerity, profanity, complaint, conciliatory expression of affection for humanity.
posted by Divine_Wino at 4:23 PM on April 1

I don't WANT to be exposed to parody.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:24 PM on April 1 [6 favorites]

My first (and biggest) step was to address a big flaw that I perceived in my personality: I was prone to writing long, drawn-out askme responses and never following up to see if my advice was taken. I spent the next few months making sure that I followed up on every askme question that I could remember responding to, even two that that I answered with a lame joke.

This is the part of my comment where I quote another commenter and address them directly. davejay may or may not take it personally. If he responds, we'll probably spend the next eight hours going back and forth, posting clarifications about what we really meant.

Then I talk about how much I hate iPods and love fat chicks. I might also talk about my cat and link to a screenshot.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:26 PM on April 1

Hypocrite!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:30 PM on April 1

So I'll come in really late, use too many commas, (and then enclose something in brackets for no reason whatsover). Later, I'll read my comment and notice a typo, and then I'll check recent activity for days to see if anyone else commented after I did (mostly I just kill the two or less threads that I've deigned to participate in during the last week). I'll then spend a while hoping that I didn't use a particular word incorrectly. And I'll obsess about my grammar.
posted by h00py at 4:46 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Unable to stop self chiming in after everyone in Northern Hemisphere has left the thread with irrelevant comment in slightly combative tone, result of never getting a reaction.

Don't you guys realise the First of April was yesterday?
posted by Catch at 4:56 PM on April 1

Silverhawks was about more than just an elite band of winged warriors in gleaming armor watching over their world from an orbital fortress. In the tale of the Silverhawk's war with Mon-Starr and his Intergalactic Mob and the imagery employed by the creators, we find a work of allegorical symbolism whose affect on our nation is only now beginning to manifest.

In 1986, right under our noses, the exploits of Quicksilver, Tallyhook, Steelheart, Steelwill and cosmic-guitar plucking Col. Bluegrass taught a generation of young Americans how to hope, how to aspire. As this generation replaces its parents in positions of active responsibility throughout their communities, they are being forced to accept a world in which they didn't grow up to be chrome-skinned flying heroes with lasers in their shoulders.

Our nation is only beginning to endure the burden of their disappointment.
posted by EatTheWeak at 4:59 PM on April 1

Hey. New Zealanders are nice, clean, articulate people with a generosity of spirit that astounds me.
I agree wholeheartedly with this. The fact that I am one has no bearing on my agreement. I have never paid anyone to accept oral sex, though. I find most people are prepared to accept it for free. Apart from the British.
posted by dg at 5:01 PM on April 1

HOMOSEXUALITY.
posted by The Whelk at 5:02 PM on April 1

Let me start by reminding you that I am a specialist at pointing out fallacious appeals to authority, so you'd better believe what I say.

The moderators shouldn't allow this kind of show-off-iness. Just think of the precedent it'll set! In the spirit of community policing, I think we all should shame grumblebee into withdrawing his post, and that the mods should enunciate a clear policy regarding one-off April Fool's day posting from this day forward. It's not really that this post itself is bad, but just think of the way some other knucklehead will draw conclusions from what grumblebee has done here. We're halfway down the slippery slope to hell in some sort of basket for medium-sized dry goods, and I don't know what's next.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

After all, we have to deal with this kind of nonsense every year, so it's not like we can just call this an exception: it's gonna keep coming up. Those who do not learn from the past in order to amend the present are doomed to an unaltered future.

Did I mention I do this for a living? That's right.
posted by anotherpanacea at 5:05 PM on April 1

Say, here's another tedious anecdote about dogs.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:07 PM on April 1

I wrote a comment about how I write comments and then delete them in lieu of posting, but then I deleted it.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 5:09 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Short, well thought out comment that is posted far too late for anyone to ever actually read.

also, an anecdote about my adorable son.
posted by anastasiav at 5:14 PM on April 1

Oof. Yeah. I've struggled with the same thing. Sort of. I mean, in the sense that we are all human. You know. Here's a poignant quotation from a philosopher I have otherwise never read. Also a YouTube video of goofy foreign musicians.

Also, guys, I miss New Orleans. This thread isn't really about it but ColdChef commented in it somewhere and that's what counts, right? I'm going to name-check a filthy dive bar to maintain the illusion I'm not a tourist. Weeping.

On preview, what languagehat said. Also you should listen to Miko.
On second preview, hey guys, maybe we could lay off konolia?
I need to learn to type faster.
posted by hippugeek at 5:30 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Raises eyebrows and say nothing, answers a factual question about health insurance law, an emotional question about domestic violence, or quotes a movie.
posted by Pax at 5:34 PM on April 1

Serious, thoughtful, carefully previewed and edited comment that will strike me as insufferably earnest and prissy about 2 seconds after pressing the "post" button. Oops.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:38 PM on April 1 [5 favorites]

Comment that is relevant to the FPP but probably too close to being a "me, too" comment so it doesn't appreciably add anything to the thread, but at least it's not noise.
posted by crossoverman at 5:39 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

VIDEO GAMES!
posted by danb at 5:41 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

After standing back and letting everyone else have their say, I'm just popping in to say how insightful I think all of your comments are and that this is definitely the best post we've ever had on MetaFilter.
posted by DU at 5:44 PM on April 1 [5 favorites]

Here in Korea, where I live (did I mention that I live in Korea, because I still do, and I can't seem to shut the fuck up about it), the Korean people do this, and not so much that. The reasons for the historical this-i-ness of Korea are varied, but let me detail a few.

1) This was forbidden during the Japanese occupation.
2) The Joseon Dynasty tradition of thisitude give historical precedent.
3) NeoConfucian values are all about this rather than that, despite much commentary, which I believe to be misguided, to the contrary.

[NOT THAT-IST]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:47 PM on April 1 [3 favorites]

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.

Fat.
posted by peggynature at 5:49 PM on April 1 [3 favorites]

Just the other day a kiwi offered to pay ME to give me oral sex in a public bathroom.

[tries to riff by asking]: Were you on your way to a fancy-dress party, by any chance?
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:49 PM on April 1

Shit, I'm so sorry, you guys. The traffic through the intertubes is terrible. But I brought the cake! And it's only slightly squished.

Guys?

Oh.
posted by notquitemaryann at 5:51 PM on April 1

VIDEO GAMES!

Hey, it's so interesting that you mention video games, I was just playing video games this morning.

But anyway, here's the thing about Marxism: what a lot of people don't understand about Marx is that, in a lot of ways, he was a very traditional economist, moreso than most of his contemporaries. His whole central argument in the Manifesto -- as well as in the half-chapter of Das Kapital that I read when I was a freshman in college -- was that the shift of power toward the workers would just be the natural conclusion of capitalism. As access to information increased, he thought, workers would demand better and better conditions, until the workers were finally in charge of everything.

He didn't take into account that there could be a finite number of employers and an infinite number of workers, which is basically where we find ourselves today. And yeah, I take this pretty seriously, because when I see Marxist kids passing out their flyers at the BART station, I think that they're actually getting in the way of real progress. And I'm like, "Hey, I just worked ten hours, what were you doing?" And they're like, "Whatever." And I'm like, "Whatever."

So yeah, don't talk to me about the working class. Just look at my username, dude.
posted by roll truck roll at 5:55 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Beans

2 tablespoons oil
1 large onion, diced
2 poblano peppers, diced
6-8 cloves of garlic, minced
2 15-ounce cans black beans
1 14.5 ounce can diced tomatoes
½ package soy chorizo (about 6 ounces)
1-1/2 tablespoons cumin
1-1/2 tablespoons chili powder
1-1/2 teaspoons oregano
1-1/2 teaspoons cocoa powder
1/8 teaspoon cinnamon
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon Smoked Tabasco Sauce (or to taste.)

Heat oil in a Dutch oven and sauté onion, peppers, and garlic until onion is translucent, about 5 minutes. Add remaining ingredients. Bring to a low boil, reduce to a simmer, and cook for 30 minutes or so, adding a bit of water if necessary. Alternately, you can cover the pot and bake in a 400-degree oven for 45 minutes.

Serves 4.
posted by zinfandel at 6:02 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Vulva!

USAA!
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:12 PM on April 1

I object to your hyperbole and sarcastic comments -- clearly they were meant to be taken at face value and you're an asshole, asshole. Check out my new song I made in 5 minutes using a comb and a cup of water, and if you check "more inside" there's a long story explaining it like on "Behind the Music." No one had ever done that before. Stupid joke, stupider question, I really gotta stop coming here after Friday drinks, I'll be sure to send you a memail to thank you for the favorite. I hate Vancouver, Canada Canada Canada.
posted by Hoopo at 6:14 PM on April 1

Beans

1 can beans
Sterno (to taste)
posted by ook at 6:16 PM on April 1

Korean boy bands ! ! !
posted by needled at 6:17 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

A sendup of myself so brass and overwrought it navigates like a French horn
posted by kid ichorous at 6:19 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

I know exactly one French Horn joke:

Q: How do you know you're dating a French Horn player?

A: Every time you kiss, they try to stick their fist up your ass.
posted by GuyZero at 6:37 PM on April 1 [9 favorites]

For reasons that I've shoddily cobbled together from a bunch of unsubstantiated rumours I heard years ago about friends-of-friends-of-friends, and to which I've added a whole heap of undeclared projections, your situation sounds clearly doomed to me and you should just DTMFA.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:48 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Oh please.
posted by mediareport at 7:10 PM on April 1

NARF!
posted by Astro Zombie 3 at 7:37 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Somewhat snarky comment. So short, vague and uninteresting that smarter people won't bother picking it apart.
posted by klarck at 7:47 PM on April 1

Lurk for years, finally join, continue to lurk.
posted by Malla at 8:06 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

So, uh, yeah, non sequitur, y'know what I mean?
posted by box at 8:10 PM on April 1

.
posted by dg at 8:15 PM on April 1

Obscure youtube, bad music, booze, antarctica, Apple

And some partially thought about comment that ends up being deleted and never
posted by mrzarquon at 8:29 PM on April 1

I wrote lyrics over here.
posted by mattdidthat at 8:38 PM on April 1

LATE, YEAH, EMERGENCY ROOM SIX SCALP STAPLES BLAGH DRINK FUCKING DON'T GIVE ME THAT LAZY SHIT GO TO YOUR STUDIO AND MAKE STUFF I once woke up with a dog in a bag of Cheetos wearing mukluks CAN YOU SEE ED GRIMLY HE'S HIDING IN MY HAIR I LIKE BOUNCY BOUNCY IN NOODLES AND CATS ARE SOMETIMES SOUP NO YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG I'M TELLING YOU THAT GODDAMN WOOFBARK

*FIFTEEN PARAGRAPHS OF OBESSIVELY OBSESSIVE AND CORRECT ARGUMENTS AND REBUTTALS GO HERE, FOLLOWED BY*

*ONE COMPLETELY MALFORMED paragraph oddly intercapped THAT BLOWS PREVIOUS ARGUMENTS TOTALLY TO SHIT*

HAVE YOU EVER PACKED YOUR NOSE FULL OF YOUR MODELING CLAY IT TAKES GASOLINE TO GET IT OUT I ONCE ATE A WHOLE PACK OF GUM IT CAME OUT LIKE A PINK SLUG AND IT WAS KIND OF HAIRY I THINK I LIKE BEER AND ALIENS TOUCHED MY PEEPEE LAST NIGHT AND I THINK I LIKED IT
posted by loquacious at 8:43 PM on April 1 [4 favorites]

*links to ween*

Tells poorly written anecdote about a barely related subject...
posted by schyler523 at 9:15 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

I am Kim, I am.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:16 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Hey, guys, let me chime in here long after the thread's run its course! Thanks!

This was a really excellent post. It was packed full of fantastic information, and was well-formed to boot.

So let's talk about me! First, I'll point out my flaws in a considered way so that you, the unwilling audience, will develop some sort of temporary identification with me so that I can get away with this truly epic act of self-indulgence. Because it's all about me.

This next part is where I

quote the article in an offset, block-quoted section of text that demonstrates that I read the whole thing. This also will give my comment extra seriousness because the person who wrote the article is a much better writer than I am, and if I do this quickly enough, you'll conflate their excellence with me.

This one time, this one thing happened to me. Let me, from that one experience, extrapolate an enormous, overwrought anecdote that also involves me being a paramedic, because being a paramedic is kind of like being a doctor only without, you know, all that book-learning, which allows me to act like I'm just like a doctor without actually doing the hard work! Bonus!

(Now I'm going to make some sort of parenthetical comment about some insane self-inflicted lunacy that I engaged in, only to point out how humble and unassuming I am, even though I don't really believe that. Did I mention that I'm a paramedic? That's practically a doctor! I'm awesome!)

I'll ask a rhetorical question here to amp up the audience identification, even though I'm monumentally self-absorbed and secretly think you're all stupid. Nonetheless, I crave your praise, especially shmegegge's, because I still haven't completely recovered from the utterly deserved, truly epic ass-kicking he laid on me in that one Stephenson thread. I AM SO NOT COMIC-BOOK GUY, AND I CAN PROVE IT (did I mention I'm a paramedic?)

I think it's time for more anecdotes, with some sort of emotional, self-deprecating commentary. Man, I am going to pile up the favorites on this one. Who's the goddamned Comic Book Guy now? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. Oh God, I hope it isn't me. It probably is me, isn't it. Jesus Christ, that fucking shmegegge guy. FUCK. Okay, better close strong.

Finally, let me go for the throat with some sort of Forrest Gump cosmic insight thing that only has weight because this has been a really long comment and anything this long with paragraph breaks and everything, written by a guy who is an actual paramedic is going to suck some percentage of people in, and I'm going to bare my soul here and admit to some epic failing, and finish out by intoning, in the text equivalent of James Earl Jones' voice, "this could happen to you".

Okay, I'm done. I'm going to head over to Meta to make a text joke using ALL CAPS and some small text because everyone knows that there's nothing funnier than that!

More like language FAT, amirite? LOL!
posted by scrump at 9:31 PM on April 1 [5 favorites]

This one time, this one thing happened to me.

And here is where I come back to the thread to quote the commenter just a bit before me without attribution, then I go off onto a totally different conspiracy theory laden tangent just before another announcement that my new and yet ongoing goal is to kill off some socially acceptable miscreant part of our media-shared culture.

Here I'll probably explain that my plan is for the best of society because as a future Bond styled evil villain, I'm expected to just do something violent and crazy every now and again.

*and just here I'll probably put some king of lower-case action text that is mostly irrelevant, but might reference the criminality from the above paragraph*

Then I'll follow it up again with small text mind-words that I'll continue to claim I have no control over.
posted by quin at 10:04 PM on April 1

double.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:12 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Start typing answer to question, decide I'm not comfortable providing medical advice based on limited information provided by anonymous asker.

Start typing answer to another question, suddenly remember that I am in no way qualified to provide anyone with relationship advice.

Type answer to yet another question. On preview, determine that I'm not yet ready for the internet to know I'm that much of a perv.

Give up, go play outside.
posted by little e at 10:13 PM on April 1 [4 favorites]

I would just like to state for the record that I have not yet received the homemade cookies promised by jessamyn upthread. I'll bet everyone else received theirs already. You all did receive yours, didn't you? Admit it! You're enjoying them right now and mocking me! Were my cookies removed from the cookie distribution pipeline? Were my cookies censored?! I have been uncookied my whole life!
posted by amyms at 10:40 PM on April 1

questionable excuse to post ascii art (=+' <ss=' ........ '+zss+..''... .-' .((((+~.-+zzzz(.+(-... .<=+(. '<=<<-.~+zzzz=.(=+- -szss+- .<=+~.~+szzzz~.=z+ . -szzzs=~ .<z~ ~+zzhhz< <h~ .~- -=hhhzz=~' <- ~+sszzz=.~s -+=- ..'<zhzs=<<<' ~<~~(<==-.' '(sh=. .'.(+<<((((s<' -<+=====~ .~--s=-. .-'-<+(+sz=hz<' '<zhhhhz( '<=(-=~. .~<~~<shhhsDhz<' '<shhDhz(..(sBBzs~. (=(<<~(=hDDsDDhs(.'(=zzhDh<.~+hBBDs~' ~DDz<<(<shhshzzh=~'<++=zDh<-(=hBDD=(. zBBh++<<sD==++=h+(++<<shh+(+=hDDh=< =BDBD==+<zss+<+zz(+=<<=Dh<<<+hDDs=( <BDBBBzs=+=zz=+sDs+s=+zDz+++sDhhs=( .+zhDDBzsh=sszzzszszszhzz==shzsss+' -=zhhhhhzhszs=ssshhzs===zs=+++zzss- .zhhDDDDDBshhsszhhhhs++=zs+++shhD+ -zz=sszDBzhDDhhhhhhz++=hsszzhhDD=. -shhhDDDBszhhhhhhhhhsszhzzzzzD<~~ .<s=sBBDhh++sssssssszzss====+=h- (=+sDDzzs+=zsss============s=h~ -+zzhz=zhszDDDhhzzs=+=zhhhhhzDs +Dss=(sBszDDhhDDDz==shDDDhhzhz+. <D==+(<h+=hzszhhzhBDDhhhhss+hs( <D<=+((=(<=szzzzszs<zzzzs=<+s< -D==+<(+<(+=sss==z(~+s==+<(<=- +Bs+<(((+======s<~~(s==++<=+ ==<<<<~(++====<~~~~<+<<<<+( ~+<<<~(<<<<+<(~~~(<<((((+' -+<<<((<<<+=<~~~~~<+<((<( '+<<<(<<<+=s(~~~~~(=+<<<- '+<++(+++=ss+<((((<s=++<. .<<++(+++==+==+<<<<+=++~ <+++(+++=+<+=sss=<<+=+' <+++(++=++++=szs+++=+<. -+++(++=s=========s=+~ (++<+=szzhzss==zs+=+. '++<==s=+szs==zs<<=( <=<===+<++====+++=' '+<====++==+++=+=< -<======sszss=+=- (===+===sss=+++. (s==+++++++++=- -=s=+=+=====( .+zs=sssss< -+szzs=~

posted by killdevil at 10:50 PM on April 1

Hi. I'd like to talk about an incredibly obscure computer science topic.
posted by Monday, stony Monday at 11:04 PM on April 1

All of you who think that analytic philosophy ignores science don't understand analytic philosophy! All of you who think that analytic philosophy is too scientific don't understand analytic philosophy! Analytic philosophy can do anything. Goddamn. Every time something philosophical comes up on Metafilter, small-mindedness and anti-intellectualism reign. I'm gonna go post in some Friday Flash threads and sulk.
posted by painquale at 11:11 PM on April 1

Lame joke/pop culture reference/Wikipedia link long after everyone's already left the thread.
posted by Rangeboy at 11:53 PM on April 1

questionable excuse to post ascii art

What IS that thing? It kind of looks like an elongated hand giving us all the finger, but it also looks vaguely, mis-shapenly phallic. I don't know whether to be offended or titillated.
posted by amyms at 12:09 AM on April 2

All of you who think that analytic philosophy ignores science don't understand analytic philosophy!

My Deleuzian* nonsense trumps your naive will to truth.

*not a school
posted by Wolof at 12:26 AM on April 2

Rambling anecdote with too many sub-clauses and an over-reliance on, addiction to and compulsion with the power of threes. Also, a spelling mistak that, upon looking back on this comment, will make me burn with an unspeakable rage.

Obscure PG Wodehouse or Noel Coward reference.

Small fonted, passive-aggressive implication that you are a twunt
posted by Jofus at 1:35 AM on April 2 [1 favorite]

Late to the thread anti-nerd comment.
posted by i_cola at 2:19 AM on April 2

Are people still favoriting stuff this far down? I hope so!
posted by djgh at 3:18 AM on April 2 [3 favorites]

Just the other day a kiwi offered to pay ME to give me oral sex in a public bathroom.

[tries to riff by asking]: Were you on your way to a fancy-dress party, by any chance?
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:49 PM on April 1 [+] [!]

Wait, was that you? I was wearing a storm trooper costume made out of paper plates with some shag carpeting sticking out to denote that I was a secret wookie.
posted by stavrogin at 3:37 AM on April 2 [1 favorite]

I know I told everybody that I was going to post in this thread, but as usual, life intervened and I totally blew it off. Nice to see you all had fun, though!
posted by Spatch at 5:45 AM on April 2

You want a parody? My username is a parody! HA! It took me a cup of coffee, yeah it's early here and I hate mornings, to get this thread but now I do. I would like to thank all of the little people that wrote all this useless dribble and wasted about an hour of my work day. Now instead of 8 hours of mind numbingly crappy desk work I got 7. Thank you Metafilter! Epic success!!!
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:50 AM on April 2

I know nobody will read anything down here (heck, even I didn't read most of the ones this far down), but I can't resist putting in my own two cents (nor can I resist the urge to explain why I'm explaining myself (nor, apparently, the urge to nest parenthetical comments)). Despite this, I will be mildly disappointed when nobody favorites this message (unless, of course, somebody actually does). At least one sentence or paragraph has been copy/pasted from its original position at the end of the comment because I thought it fit here better. It may or may not actually fit in with the flow of the rest of the text (which I worry about way too much). I decide to change the tense (or, technically, modality) at some point in the writing process, but I will probably fail to alter at least one occurrence of the original form. Somewhere in the comment is one of those silly way-too-many-hyphens-for-one-word constructions. Something I write in the comment strikes me as very, very clever.* My near-constant bet-hedging and frequent overqualification of what would otherwise be potentially bold and possibly insightful claims likely results in a comment that has essentially no content whatsoever. I realize this (along with other factors that didn't occur to me when I thought of writing the post) near the end of my post, and add a comment acknowledging them (and bemoaning the fact that I've already spent way too much time writing this one comment (thus hopefully excusing myself from not addressing these extra points more carefully)). After considering these extra factors, I either post my comment or delete it entirely (with about a 1/2 probability of either).

*Unfortunately, I ruin any possible amusement by drawing attention to it with a footnote or something similar.
posted by ErWenn at 7:11 AM on April 2 [8 favorites]

Pineapple is not a pizza topping.
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 7:34 AM on April 2 [1 favorite]

Three weeks later, someone posts the most insightful comment, only to be overlooked by all except those who are even later to the party. This will lead to an MeTa pony for some sort of alert to insightful comments on an almost death threads, to which others reply that the internet age is now, not last week. The MeTa then breaks down into a discussion about how short kids attention spans are now, and how the grass was greener last year.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:42 AM on April 2 [1 favorite]

Some backward shit defending
a) Christians
b) Americans
c) Gun-owners
d) Palestinians
e) People who eat rodents
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:52 AM on April 2 [2 favorites]

*late*
posted by Bageena at 10:24 AM on April 2

witty comment that puts you in your place
posted by nomisxid at 11:09 AM on April 2

<shows up way too late to be hip>
<briefly considers posting>
<is way too afraid of negative attention to do so>
posted by Squid Voltaire at 11:30 AM on April 2

Another comment that shows I've been thinking about this issue far too much.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:04 PM on April 2

this is a haiku
it is clever and topic--
shit, I fucked it up
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 12:15 PM on April 2 [2 favorites]

Comment that would have contributed better to the discussion if made way upthread and was probably already made by someone later in the thread anyway because I didn't bother to real all 250-odd comments.
posted by rocket88 at 12:28 PM on April 2

I just wanted to say that all cats need to be declawed.
posted by sara is disenchanted at 1:13 PM on April 2

Very late to thread with witty comment, and desperate for favourites, that no one will see.

An aside whining that no one knows who I am.

Another aside saying I'm such a thread killer.
posted by deborah at 2:34 PM on April 2 [4 favorites]

Comment that took me 20 minutes to research and type, because I don't want to make THAT mistake again. Then rereading it twelve times making minor adjustments while accounting for new information posted by others in preview. Then realizing that my 47 line opus doesn't actually say anything and delete before posting.
*lurks quietly in the shadows, waiting for the perfect post where it will be tpd's turn to shine!
posted by twoporedomain at 2:53 PM on April 2 [1 favorite]

Have you tried meditating? That didn't work? Hm... maybe if your mood could be captured by an obscure dutch phrase. No respite? Hm, well if you...

Don't believe in god.
Don't have any kids.
Have falsifiability criterion for your theories.
Recognize that romance is a sham.

I'll grant you some moral superiority. I'll close by quoting thich nhat hahn or richard feynman...
posted by phrontist at 3:07 PM on April 2

Wait. So you're saying that no one realized that everything I say is self parody?
posted by StickyCarpet at 3:38 PM on April 2

metatalk: I don't know whether to be offended or titillated.
posted by CitizenD at 5:36 PM on April 2

STEPHEN FRY!
posted by CitizenD at 5:37 PM on April 2

Bad pun regarding subject of post.
posted by brundlefly at 5:38 PM on April 2

lurk,lurk, lurk....Can't type so fast, have to keep this brief...Music. Robots. More music. Mild rebuke of left activism. Insult to right-libertarians. Stem cells...lurk, lurk, lurk...
posted by StrikeTheViol at 7:07 PM on April 2

Pretty much exactly what ErWenn said above, with the uncanny ability to kill further discussion in the thread...

Italicised quote from someone elses' comment, because I don't like blockquote, without proper credit/context that would make it easier to see who I'm replying to

Broad hint that I'm a Brit but I live in Texas. More specific hint along the lines of LOLUSIANS without ever having the balls to actually say it, because in all fairness, I'd be artificially raising my snark levels to try to fit in.
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 9:47 PM on April 2

Another aside saying I'm such a thread killer.

*takes phrase from previous comment, uses it to rewrite lyrics to generally-beloved popular music song so that it now refers to Metafilter*
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:11 PM on April 2 [2 favorites]

*records previous, posts to Music, gathers 183 favorites as reward for pandering*
posted by cortex at 10:22 PM on April 2 [4 favorites]

*tries to emulate the wonder chicken's success by posting another popular song parody, but lazily & with less spectacular results, and altogether too late to the party*

You start a conversation you cant even finish it.
Youre talkin a lot, but youre not sayin anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?

Thread killer,
Qu'est-ce que c'est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Thread killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:03 PM on April 2 [1 favorite]

I'm not going to read any of these comments because I just don't have the time, but I have something really important to say anyway, that was probably already mentioned somewhere upthread if I bothered to read it, which I didn't.
posted by MythMaker at 11:16 PM on April 2

How predictable. Mention you're a Kiwi and out come the sheep-shagging jokes. Particularly from the Australians. Who are all descended from convicts by the way. Anyway, us NZers have a dry, laconic sense of humour, except with regards to sheep shagging jokes. I should probably link to Flight of the Conchords to really drive the point home.
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 1:15 AM on April 3

(and i was just trying to find myself a flight of the conchords box set today. it's almost as dry and laconic as summer heights high)
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:06 AM on April 3

which reminds me: there's no point speaking of dry, laconic, sarcastic, ironic, tongue-in-cheek humour to americans. those canutes don't do that kind of thing.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:31 AM on April 3

Comes in even later than before, tells Ubu that he's being offensive, kind of agrees with the offensiveness but wants to Help because I know that some defensive yank is gonna come along and go all 'oh fuck you ubu, you usaist fuck' on him and I just want to avoid that, you know, because life is so much nicer without a swear word in it.
posted by h00py at 6:06 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]

Utterly unrelated anecdote about my personal life, because I'm self-important like that. No one on MeTa notices, as fucking usual.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:35 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]

Hey, it's a couple of days later! Now that no one's reading this any more, I might as well add a comment.

I still love my job, which I got right here. My dog is still the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful pit bull I've ever known. And you guys are are all making a great big fuss over not much. I know this because I've lived in a bunch of different places.

Mostly I'm just sorry I missed the meetup again.
posted by tangerine at 3:46 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]

Obsessively checking my recent activity (as is my wont) I'll chime in to respond to tangerine, thus extending the life of this thread. If I do this enough times, this may turn into a longboat of sorts.
posted by dersins at 3:56 PM on April 3

No. Nobody read the posts down here.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:11 PM on April 3

You can't have fungible without fun. Obvious attempt to be obvious, slightly pretentious and silly, but nothing embarrasingly silly Likes pancakes, especially with maple syrup, since that's proto-typically Canadian. I'm a lawyer, hear me R. v. Oar.

Oh, wait, are we still doing the original thingy, or just trying to be the last comment...
posted by birdsquared at 12:35 AM on April 4

I should probably link to Flight of the Conchords to really drive the point home.

I've always wondered how NZers react to people mentioning Flight of the Conchords. I wasn't sure if they are something New Zealand is proud of, or if NZers all get tired of hearing people go "oh you're from New Zealand! Just like Flight of The Conchords/Peter Jackson" every time they mention where they're from.

You know, because you all feel exactly the same about it, being from the same country and all.

Bowie's in spaaaace.
posted by shmegegge at 7:17 AM on April 4

Did someone say maple syrup??
posted by jessamyn at 7:21 AM on April 4 [1 favorite]

Sees mention of maple syrup and decides that what the thread needs is BACON. Mentions how awesome bacon candy is.
posted by rtha at 8:43 AM on April 4

Thank God I missed this otherwise I might never have stopped.
posted by doobiedoo at 10:36 AM on April 4

Bacon!
posted by languagehat at 11:45 AM on April 4

Longboats made of bacon.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:05 PM on April 4 [1 favorite]

Salty wet Vikings.
posted by carsonb at 12:10 PM on April 4

Salty wet crispy Vikings.

mmmmm.....Vikings.
posted by rtha at 12:27 PM on April 4

Salty wet crispy metaphorical Vikings.
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:30 PM on April 4

Does anyone remember that story by isaac asimov or somebody about the boy who never saw the sun and then his classmates made the rain go away or something? I forget what it was called. Logan's Run?

Salty wet crispy metaphorical vibrating Vikings.
posted by shmegegge at 3:40 PM on April 4

Salty Vikings with gin...
posted by desuetude at 6:15 PM on April 4

VIKING BRAR LOLOL!!!!etc
posted by not_on_display at 6:35 PM on April 4

Obligatory reference to longboats.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:58 PM on April 5

Yadda yadda, some joke about how your cat is, in fact, an asshole.

No, my cat is a DICK. Get it right.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:05 PM on April 5

Posts at least twice in a row because I can't be arsed to actually read the WHOLE thread before posting, but don't have the impulse control to WAIT until I've read the whole thing before responding to comments for which I have some pea-brained response. I'm like a rat with a feeder bar that's been given the electric shock treatment too many times.

Speaking of electric shocks, have I mentioned I have epilepsy? It affects my life sometimes, but weirdly, not my job where I work as a nanny. I know a lot about kids, or at least, I pretend that I do.

I'll thank you not to make any more jokes about longboats and bacon, that's not what the longboat was made for. I have apparently become an 80 year old man in my old age.

Get off my lawn unless you're going to mow it, thanks.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:15 PM on April 5

Get off my lawn unless you're going to mow it, thanks.

They deleted that thread.
posted by GuyZero at 4:09 PM on April 5

LOLCOOCH.
posted by jessamyn at 4:26 PM on April 5

tiny snippet about random factoid

Trivial anecdote presented either too dramatically or too diffidently, or pedantic correction based on totally mainstream "source." Oh-so-casual aside about my life as a Professional Journalist in New York City. Facile extrapolation from earlier questionable assertion.

After realization that the above adds almost nothing of substance to the conversation, attempt self-effacement and post anyway. Kill thread.
posted by GrammarMoses at 4:59 PM on April 5

I love how everyone seems to think that they're a thread-killer. It seems like some simple statistics could answer this question (although you'd probably have to account for the tendency to post to very old threads, in which you're much more likely to be the last post).
posted by ErWenn at 7:52 PM on April 5

After discounting the recent-comments effect, natch.
posted by box at 8:56 PM on April 5

hey guys! I have an interesting historical factoid about Vikings...
posted by The Whelk at 7:22 AM on April 7

what factoid?
posted by dirty lies at 7:51 AM on April 7

Um ... shit I thought this was a throwaway parody thread .. There is an early irish prayer that goes "O Lord, Save us from the wrath of the Norsemen."
posted by The Whelk at 7:56 AM on April 7

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Make fun of yourself! April 1, 2009 10:49 AM Subscribe

Make fun of yourself!
April 1, 2009 10:49 AM Subscribe