"all you really are is a wallet attached to a vibrator"

May 14, 2009 9:05 PM

The misogyny discussion hub for kickin' back with a brew, hanging out with your buds, and talking like men talk.

In this thread, Osmanthus posted an incredibly offensive and stupid thing, which was deleted, so he followed it up with something even more offensive.

the mods deleted my previous post. I guess they'd rather me take a more serious tone when I inform you of the mistake you are making.
You asked what you are getting yourself into; this is my answer.

Single women have exactly one priority in life, that is to take care of their children. They will do whatever it takes. If this means prostituting themselves to some man so she can get an occasional free meal she'll do it. She will play your heartstrings like a violin and you will think she is in live with you. But, all you really are is a wallet attached to a vibrator.

she has friends over all the time but that she wouldn't want to show any physical affection or allow me to spend the night when the kids were around

Red Flag. Danger Will Robinson!
If one of your buddies told you this about his new girlfriend, wouldn't you think he was being a tool?
posted by Osmanthus at 7:00 PM on May 14

followed by this

I would also like to speak up again, as at least one other comment that was terse in telling the OP that he is making a mistake has been deleted. Apparently the Mods think some opinions should be censored because they do not contain enough sentimentality.
I ask them to stop because these guys are talking how men speak to each other: short and to the point.

Osmanthus, please post your poisonous, stupid, sad opinions in this thread instead of that one. Thank you.

posted by Optimus Chyme to Etiquette/Policy at 9:05 PM (330 comments total)

They've been deleted already.
posted by Kattullus at 9:10 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like ... like... you know, like, you know what I mean?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:11 PM on May 14, 2009 [23 favorites]

Those who can't tolerate other's opinions censor them. You know who else censored peoples opinions...
posted by Osmanthus at 9:12 PM on May 14, 2009

Oh, ffs.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:13 PM on May 14, 2009

Oh FFS.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:13 PM on May 14, 2009

I owe you a Coke
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:13 PM on May 14, 2009 [15 favorites]

Wonderfully douchey and ignorant. And cleaned up with remarkable efficiency.

All around, I'd call this whole thing win-win.

Ah, and on preview, we've already got the oblique Hitler reference. Where's my flameout bingo card?
posted by middleclasstool at 9:14 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

You know, copy/pasting people's deleted comments sort of defeats the purpose of removing them and postpones people being able to move past things. Osmanthus, you've been here a long time, I'm not sure why you didn't just take this to MetaTalk originally.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:14 PM on May 14, 2009 [7 favorites]

Those who can't tolerate other's opinions censor them. You know who else censored peoples opinions...
posted by Osmanthus at 9:12 PM on May 14

please post all your opinions in this thread :) this is the osmanthus opinion thread
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:14 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Heh. But you get points for capitalization.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:14 PM on May 14, 2009

Oh! SFF: good condition. Please send picture of F.
posted by katillathehun at 9:15 PM on May 14, 2009

Is osmanthus the only one allowed to post stupid, sad, poisonous opinions in this thread?

Because I believe that snail pellets are a good substitute for Prozac.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:16 PM on May 14, 2009 [6 favorites]

You know, copy/pasting people's deleted comments sort of defeats the purpose of removing them

Normally, I agree, but he was very adamant about not being censored, as noted both in one of his now-deleted comments and in his first post in this thread.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:16 PM on May 14, 2009

Not. with. a. ten. foot. pole.

Also I would like Blazecock to stop imitating my brother. Although when he says "fag" he always adds "But not like you man." Despite myself, I kind of think he's awesome He got fired from being a valet cause he kept taking cars out on joyrides. You gotta respect that level of wanton teenagerness. also he once burned down a construction trailer cause he was opposed to development. and he was ten.
posted by The Whelk at 9:16 PM on May 14, 2009 [17 favorites]

also he once burned down a construction trailer cause he was opposed to development. and he was ten.

Wicked, dude. *makes shocker gestures with hands and then scratches ass* This is the man thread, rite? *burp*
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:18 PM on May 14, 2009

To complete the effect, you have to relax with a bong and spin some crazy conspiracy theories while playing Left 4 Dead and then suggest I find a hotter boyfriend before taking an angry phone call from our mom wondering why he hasn't been home in three days.

I trust you can do this
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 PM on May 14, 2009 [8 favorites]

*owns a george foreman grill*
*irons pants instead of washing them*
*has walked on moon*
posted by Damn That Television at 9:24 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Not the man thread. Just saying.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:24 PM on May 14, 2009

POPCORN HERE! PEANUTS! POPCORN!
posted by not_on_display at 9:25 PM on May 14, 2009

Works been kinda slow since cartoons went to color
posted by The Whelk at 9:26 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Raoul, I'll be in my trailer, taking a nap! 'Scuse me, toots.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:28 PM on May 14, 2009

I'm the OP of the original thread. While I do appreciate any and all input including Optimus Chyme's, I do agree the mods have a difficult job in maintaining the peace (which in my opinion, they do a hell of a job). I've been around long enough to know that I have to make my own decisions and anyone that takes advice on the internet as scripture has it coming anyway.

Optimus, is this coming from any first had experience or just as friendly advice? Even if the latter, the point is taken.
posted by Kupo? at 9:28 PM on May 14, 2009

Also, I forgot to save the thing he posted in response to someone saying that his comment was ignorant - like, he referenced someone's user page or something about "man hating." Did anyone see that?
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:29 PM on May 14, 2009

There is no way this thread will end up being as good as it is right now promising to be. It just can't be sustained.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:32 PM on May 14, 2009 [9 favorites]

Optimus, is this coming from any first had experience or just as friendly advice? Even if the latter, the point is taken.
posted by Kupo? at 9:28 PM on May 14

whoa dude i didn't post that dumb shit it was osmanthus
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:32 PM on May 14, 2009

I can give you stars! look! LOOK! Loooooooook! *bang bang bang*
posted by The Whelk at 9:33 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Those who can't tolerate other's opinions censor them. You know who else censored peoples opinions...

WAIT, WAIT, I know this one! It's HITLER, right?!?! Right????

do i get a prize? for getting there first?
posted by liketitanic at 9:35 PM on May 14, 2009

WAIT, WAIT, I know this one! It's HITLER, right?!?! Right????

I'm so sorry. The correct answer is "Ghostbusters II."
posted by txsebastien at 9:36 PM on May 14, 2009 [28 favorites]

I'm so sorry. The correct answer is "Ghostbusters II."

Fuck, I just lost my Daily Double.
posted by liketitanic at 9:38 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Those who can't tolerate other's opinions censor them.

Ignorance isn't an opinion.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 9:39 PM on May 14, 2009 [13 favorites]

When is the Deleted Comments blog going to be launched?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:39 PM on May 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

Did you know that Mark Summers has OCD and is afraid of germs?
posted by inconsequentialist at 9:41 PM on May 14, 2009

whoa dude i didn't post that dumb shit it was osmanthus

So wait, excuse my metatalk inexperience... osmanthus posted to my original thread, had his comment deleted, and Optimus Chyme (a mod I'm assuming?) created a thread here about it? Does this happen with all deleted posts or is he just special? And I'm assuming from jessamyn's comments you're not supposed to repost deleted posts?

Also sorry for trying to be on topic, that doesn't seem to be very trendy here.
posted by Kupo? at 9:43 PM on May 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

Does this happen with all deleted posts or is he just special?

Oh, he's special alright.
posted by dhammond at 9:45 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Optimus Chyme is not a mod. Anybody can post to MetaTalk; it is part of MetaFilter's self-policing. It allows anybody who has a concern to bring it here, voice it, and have it get responded to by a series of in-jokes, off-topic remarks, calls for flameouts, and a few pointed comments from the actual moderators.

The.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:45 PM on May 14, 2009 [10 favorites]

Optimus Chyme is not a mod (good egg though he is). The mods are mathowie, jessamyn, pb, cortex and vacapinta.
posted by Kattullus at 9:45 PM on May 14, 2009

Optimus is a rocker, not a mod.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:46 PM on May 14, 2009 [33 favorites]

Kupo?: what happened was that jessamyn cleaned up some puppy vomit, but Optimus Chyme (WHO IS NOT A MOD GOD HELP US) managed to snap a picture of that before, and decided that the world would be a better place if we all remembered that puddle of vomit. It's really nothing to see here beyond that, and the requisite hemming and hawing.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:46 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Beaten to the punch by Astro Zombie (not to be confused with Astro Zombie 3, a super-secret mod who only moderates on the cabal subsite).
posted by Kattullus at 9:46 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also sorry for trying to be on topic, that doesn't seem to be very trendy here.

It's not trendy, but we could use more people who go against the grain.
posted by txsebastien at 9:47 PM on May 14, 2009

Going against the grain is very trendy.
posted by Kattullus at 9:48 PM on May 14, 2009

Puppy vomit!
posted by rtha at 9:48 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Then isn't that the grain you're going with?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:48 PM on May 14, 2009

ARRGGHH NARF GRARRRAAGGH NO ARGGGHHURRGGH NARF NARF CABAL.
posted by Astro Zombie 3 at 9:49 PM on May 14, 2009 [14 favorites]

how men speak to each other: short and to the point

Blokes, though, say it in verse.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:49 PM on May 14, 2009

"all you really are is a wallet attached to a vibrator"

That's not true at all!

pause to build tension... 3... 2... 1...

I also have a car.
posted by boo_radley at 9:49 PM on May 14, 2009 [10 favorites]

Not. with. a. ten. foot. pole.

Why? Once you've got a pole in your hand, and you're near enough to poke the thing, you might as well go for it. I mean, hey, you're there, you're holding a pole, you've got a thing nearby: obviously, you are there to poke it. Otherwise you'd be far away from the thing, and you wouldn't be holding a pole.

And come to think of it, a ten foot pole might be just what's needed to deal with an asshole. Asshole. Pole. Ten feet. Just think of the possibilities.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:50 PM on May 14, 2009 [18 favorites]

So is the wallet attached to the vibrator at the spine of the wallet, or is it chain? Or does the type of wallet-vibrator connection vary depending on the personalities involved?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:51 PM on May 14, 2009

I think graininess and trendiness have a certain sense of topicality.
posted by not_on_display at 9:51 PM on May 14, 2009

I love that you think that all single women see men as vibrators with wallets attached.

Hate to burst your bubble, but it isn't just single women. I'm married and I see men that way too. All women do. Every single one of us. We're all exactly the same. My husband is nothing but a big, hot, sexy, bulging, vibrator AND wallet, laden with cash which is all for me, Me, ME, ME!
posted by iconomy at 9:52 PM on May 14, 2009 [87 favorites]

I think wallet-vibrators will be the tamagotchi of our time.
posted by Kattullus at 9:53 PM on May 14, 2009 [7 favorites]

The. Allen. was the the Wickedest Man in New York. He had it put on business cards
posted by The Whelk at 9:53 PM on May 14, 2009

Why a ten foot pole?
posted by inconsequentialist at 9:53 PM on May 14, 2009

And come to think of it, a ten foot pole might be just what's needed to deal with an asshole. Asshole. Pole. Ten feet. Just think of the possibilities.


Well that's the problem. They might enjoy it.
posted by The Whelk at 9:54 PM on May 14, 2009

Optimus Chyme (a mod I'm assuming?)

"that would be bad"

"i'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. what do you mean, "bad"?"

"try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light"
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:54 PM on May 14, 2009 [21 favorites]

Asshole. Pole. Ten feet. Just think of the possibilities.

Honey, put a vibrator on the end of it and I'll pull out my wallet.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:55 PM on May 14, 2009 [6 favorites]

"all you really are is a wallet attached to a vibrator"

Well, I guess I am covered in skin, which could be turned into a nice leather wallet.

But goddamn I'd love to know how to make my cock vibrate. They'd be lining up for that shit.
posted by rodgerd at 9:55 PM on May 14, 2009 [5 favorites]

A good model would have a kind of canister wallet that would fit flush with the base (or point, if that's your thing) of the vibrator, and just screw or pop off. Water resistant models would have double-seals and O rings.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:55 PM on May 14, 2009

When someone asks you if you are a mod, you say 'YES'.
posted by inconsequentialist at 9:56 PM on May 14, 2009 [40 favorites]

I'm a vibrator attached to a wallet, but the batteries are dead and the wallet is empty. On top of that, it looks like eelskin, but it is vinyl. And I bought it at Hot Topics. And that's not a picture of my girlfriend in it. That's the photo that came with the wallet.

Also, the vibrator is actually a plastic box to carry toothbrushes on vacation.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:56 PM on May 14, 2009 [8 favorites]

Sounds like a field trip to Home Depot is in order.
posted by txsebastien at 9:56 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

But anyway, I want to see one of these things in the SkyMall catalog by next quarter.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:56 PM on May 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

If you have a hot girl that's you're in love with and all she wants is an occasional free meal and your "vibrator" haven't you, you know, won?
posted by Kupo? at 9:57 PM on May 14, 2009 [11 favorites]

And a vibrator-wallet would have to have a coin purse, naturally.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:58 PM on May 14, 2009

But goddamn I'd love to know how to make my cock vibrate. They'd be lining up for that shit.

Look, I have fistfuls of cash over here - I just cleaned out my husband's wallet. That's what I do. Let me buy you a gift certificate to Cock Rings Are Us. Pick out something nice for yourself.
posted by iconomy at 9:58 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Aim for the flattop!
posted by The Whelk at 9:59 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

There once was a vibrator attached to a wallet
And all the single moms wanted to ball it
But then you got mad
And felt kinda bad
Because you were writing limericks at one in the morning based on a really weird sexist comment and the meter didn't at all fit.
posted by Kattullus at 10:00 PM on May 14, 2009 [85 favorites]

Let me buy you a gift certificate to Cock Rings Are Us.

May I recommend Cockring Warehouse? Any cock'll-doo (NSFW)
posted by txsebastien at 10:01 PM on May 14, 2009

I'm a vibraphone attached to a walleye.


Sadly, all I can play are scales.


Also: This place really started going downhill once Optimus Chyme became a mod.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:03 PM on May 14, 2009 [23 favorites]

Buzz Off!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:03 PM on May 14, 2009

Burhanistan is right. This has SkyMall written all over it.
posted by inconsequentialist at 10:04 PM on May 14, 2009

Also, I forgot to save the thing he posted in response to someone saying that his comment was ignorant - like, he referenced someone's user page or something about "man hating." Did anyone see that?

That would be me.

I'll wait for y'all to check my profile.

Yeah, that'd be Markovfilter.
posted by desuetude at 10:04 PM on May 14, 2009 [8 favorites]

Well, I guess I am covered in skin, which could be turned into a nice leather wallet.
I hope that someone makes something useful out of me once I'm dead, I have some nice tattoos! Ideally I'd like to be used to bind a book or two. Anthropodermic bibliopegy!
posted by drinkyclown at 10:07 PM on May 14, 2009

Kupo? -- be aware that Metatalk is usually a freewheeling and obscene place where people goof off. So, just FYI, don't take anybody too seriously in a thread like this.

AskMetafilter is very strait-laced, and goof-off comments get deleted to keep the signal to noise ratio good. Metatalk is sometimes a place for productive discussion of site norms, etc - but it very often a place for making fun of dumb/obnoxious comments (like the dumb/obnoxious comments that got deleted from your AskMe thread), or of people who bluster too much.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:09 PM on May 14, 2009

Amazon sells a vibrating wallet. But...it's intelligent. I like my vibrating wallets stupid, just like I like my men.
posted by iconomy at 10:09 PM on May 14, 2009 [6 favorites]

This Is Just To Say

I have taken
the notes
that were in
the wallet

and which
you were probably
saving
for spending

Stupid me -
talking to dildo,
so sweet
but so cold.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:11 PM on May 14, 2009 [8 favorites]

I like my vibrators stupid, just like my wallets.
posted by inconsequentialist at 10:11 PM on May 14, 2009

(I'm so intrigued and puzzled. Does Osmanthus think that I am earnestly describing my sister Holyoke as buttery and loud? Did he think that the rest of the text in my profile made sense?)
posted by desuetude at 10:14 PM on May 14, 2009

If you want a nice wallet-vibrator
Ask a good engineer to create 'er.
With a bit of cranking,
It's self-powered wanking
And your coins double up as the stator
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:14 PM on May 14, 2009 [5 favorites]

(And also, Kupo? -- just in case this isn't obvious: the whole setup of this post is making fun of those comments. That is, where Optimus Chyme says up top "this is where we should kick back like men" etc, they're being sarcastic. So don't feel like you have to defend your relationship - you don't. People here are making fun of the guy Osmanthus who posted the sexist comments that got deleted.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:17 PM on May 14, 2009

desuetude, we all know about your mouthy popcorn-eating sister.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:18 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why a ten foot pole?

Why fifty feet of rope?
Why a score of sling bullets?
Why a week of iron rations?
Why a songbird? (No, really, why the fuck a songbird?)

Because THAT'S HOW THEY SELL IT!
posted by dersins at 10:23 PM on May 14, 2009 [11 favorites]

I'm the operator with my wallet viberator.

e added for extra syllable match
posted by Burhanistan at 10:25 PM on May 14, 2009 [8 favorites]

desuetude, we all know about your mouthy popcorn-eating sister.

LobsterMitten, now, the question but he feels he has THE BEST I WILL RATION HIS MUFFIN.
posted by desuetude at 10:25 PM on May 14, 2009

Kupo?: osmanthus posted to my original thread, had his comment deleted, and Optimus Chyme (a mod I'm assuming?) created a thread here about it? Does this happen with all deleted posts or is he just special?

Hmm. Well, there are two explanations here, both of which are equally correct, I think, but one of which is more... attractive to a lot of us.

The first explanation is this: this douchebag dude has already ignored the fact that his comments are being deleted by posting even more sexist crap in response to static. This is Optimus Chyme (not a mod; he's just this guy, see?) giving the douchebag a neutral, non-ask.metafilter place to be a douchebag.

The second explanation is that we're all kind of hoping osmanthus will actually show up and try to defend his odious opinions. Optimus posted his comments to let us know what exactly this idiot was saying. We're hoping he shows up here because here we aren't held back by our very natural concern for preserving the above-board dialogue in ask.mentafilter; here we can be very precise and very clear when we tell osmanthus just exactly where we'd like him to shove it, how hard we'd like him to shove it, and what hole he can go fall in once he's done shoving it.

We really like being mean to assholes like that.
posted by koeselitz at 10:27 PM on May 14, 2009 [8 favorites]

What is up with Metafilter lately? It seems like there's been a lot of this lately, the homophobic, the racist, and now this shit. Seriously, what is going on. It seems like people are just picking fights lately.
posted by hazyspring at 10:31 PM on May 14, 2009

ask.mentafilter is presumably the neglected, black sheep cousin of ask.mensafilter
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:31 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

What is up with Metafilter lately?

"We've been experimenting with the plasm we found in the subway tunnel."
posted by inconsequentialist at 10:38 PM on May 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

What is up with Metafilter lately? It seems like there's been a lot of this lately, the homophobic, the racist, and now this shit. Seriously, what is going on. It seems like people are just picking fights lately.

Eh, Metafilter must be on the rag. I keed! I keed!

No, seriously, I know we drag confirmation bias into every discussion here, but I do think that once we've had a recent emotionally-heightened discussion, it puts everyone a little on edge, and then invariably someone puts their foot right in it.
posted by desuetude at 10:39 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Boy, did my wife get snookered.
posted by maxwelton at 10:40 PM on May 14, 2009 [5 favorites]

This thread is more fun (I know, but stay with me) if you imagine Kupo? to be an actual moogle posting on MeFi. No wonder the poor guy's confused about mods and deleted comments and who posted what -- he's a flying cat with a pom pom on his head!
posted by Rock Steady at 10:40 PM on May 14, 2009 [10 favorites]

Just for clarification, Optimus, I presume you meant your earlier comment to read like this:

whoa dude! i didn't post that dumb shit; it was osmanthus.

And not:

whoa dude! i didn't post that, dumb shit! it was osmanthus!

Please correct me if I'm wrong.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:40 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

she'll do it. She will play your heartstrings like a violin and you will think she is in live with you. But, all you really are is a wallet attached to a vibrator.

The word your looking for is "meal-ticket." BTW, are you my step dad? 'Cause I thought for sure you'd be dead by now...but hey...there you are!

Enjoy your TV dinner, asshole.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:47 PM on May 14, 2009 [10 favorites]

rodgerd: But goddamn I'd love to know how to make my cock vibrate. They'd be lining up for that shit.

You're damned right we would.

I have a feeling even some of the females might be interested, in fact.
posted by koeselitz at 10:47 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

crap...you're....

whatever

asshole.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:48 PM on May 14, 2009

Your first interpretation is correct, AZ. Now do this one:

woman without her man is nothing
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:48 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

works on contingency no money down
posted by boo_radley at 10:58 PM on May 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

Isn't generalizing based on personal experience what relationshipfilter threads are for? I guess he could've put it a bit nicer, though.
posted by ODiV at 11:01 PM on May 14, 2009

Well, if this thread is for talkin' about man stuff, I just wanted to say:

It's a fucking travesty that they're remaking The Taking Of Pelham One-Two-Three. That movie is one of the best goddamned movies ever made, the music is awesome, and it really doesn't deserve to have its grave desecrated. But I guess that's what we do nowadays. I'm sure we'll get finished remaking every movie made during the 60s and 70s over the next few years—badly.
posted by koeselitz at 11:01 PM on May 14, 2009 [7 favorites]

Everything I learned about The Taking Of Pelham One-Two-Three I learned from the Beastie Boys.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:04 PM on May 14, 2009

Isn't generalizing based on personal experience what relationshipfilter threads are for?

I think if he said "I would probably not date a woman with kids if I were you" it would have been interpreted received much differently than his crazy "ALL WOMEN ARE WHORES I WILL DIE ALONE WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME" screed.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:05 PM on May 14, 2009 [15 favorites]

If we're going to talk about films for guys who love films, I was going to suggest we talk about How Stella Got Her Groove Back, but after that last Metatalk thread, maybe that's not such a good idea.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:09 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Suddenly, I want a Swanson's Hungry-Man Dinner.
posted by zippy at 11:13 PM on May 14, 2009

Wicked, dude. *makes shocker gestures with hands and then scratches ass*

Metafilter: two in the pink and one in the stink.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:13 PM on May 14, 2009

woman -- without! her man is nothing!
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:15 PM on May 14, 2009

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait.

My penis is a vibrator? What does that make my taters?
posted by tepidmonkey at 11:16 PM on May 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Swan, son's hungry. Man dinner!
posted by inconsequentialist at 11:17 PM on May 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

Forty going on 13.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:19 PM on May 14, 2009

Swan's on, Hungry. Man D? Inn 'er!
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:24 PM on May 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Shut up and go fix me a turkey pot-pie.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:38 PM on May 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

I think Neal Diamond did that one Optimus:

Wooooman! (doobie doobie do) Without her, MAN, I's...nothinnnnnnnng.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:51 PM on May 14, 2009

A couple things:

1. I just now saw this thread because I was out finally seeing Watchmen. It was okay, not great, no real disagreement with the discussions I've read about it, but, hey, Ozymandias? Osmanthus? Eh? Eh? It's a little too pat. Mask-killer theory needs refinement. Must talk to Daniel. Hungry. Hope he has beans.

2. The one-liner you're looking for is "this wallet, it vibrates?"
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:02 AM on May 15, 2009 [33 favorites]

But goddamn I'd love to know how to make my cock vibrate. They'd be lining up for that shit.

Look, I have fistfuls of cash over here - I just cleaned out my husband's wallet. That's what I do. Let me buy you a gift certificate to Cock Rings Are Us. Pick out something nice for yourself.

Thanks, that's awful nice and all, but I was really after some unassisted vibrating. Maybe rippling, too. It's be nice if the head could, you know, just kind of massage like the pads on a massage chair, right where the g-spot is.
posted by rodgerd at 12:31 AM on May 15, 2009

Holy crap a Watchmen/Roger Rabbit mashup would rule.

My Buddy's Eddie B, a sourpuss you'll see!
But when he's done, he'll need no gun,
A Comedian he'll be... C... D... E...!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:34 AM on May 15, 2009

P.o.B.: Wooooman! (doobie doobie do) Without her, MAN, I's...nothinnnnnnnng.

“I AM,” I said

to NO ONE THERE

and

NO

ONE

HEARD,

NOT...

EVEN the CHAIR!
posted by koeselitz at 12:40 AM on May 15, 2009

"all you really are is a wallet attached to a vibrator"

unless you're over 50 - then you're a toy cash register attached to a whoopie cushion
posted by pyramid termite at 12:57 AM on May 15, 2009 [13 favorites]

Dude, if you want to vibrate your cock you need to be doing some kegel exercises. Do it while yer inside her! She'll love it and maybe even give you some of her money! It may not be as fast as a battery operated thing but it's sure to be remembered. Oh, and so as to be on (original) topic, I'm a sad old single mother and I'd chop off my hand before I prostituted myself to a guy just for his money and/or his dick. Just so you know. People are different in all kinds of ways!
posted by h00py at 2:09 AM on May 15, 2009

NO ONE CAN EAT FIFTY EGGS.
posted by loquacious at 2:31 AM on May 15, 2009 [5 favorites]

But damn I can boil'em.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:56 AM on May 15, 2009

Man, that guy's got issues.
posted by zardoz at 4:25 AM on May 15, 2009

If you take a ten foot pole, and put a wallet on one end of it, and a vibrator on the other, and balance it (at the mid-point of the pole) on a single mom's nose, and spin it really fast, while reciting an out-of-meter limerick, Hitler will rise from the grave and censor your opinion.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:34 AM on May 15, 2009 [7 favorites]

My penis is a vibrator? What does that make my taters?

Ben-wa balls? Useful for h00py's kegel exercises.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:40 AM on May 15, 2009

Metalballsfilter
posted by gman at 4:48 AM on May 15, 2009

Hate to burst your bubble, but it isn't just single women. I'm married and I see men that way too. All women do. Every single one of us. We're all exactly the same. My husband is nothing but a big, hot, sexy, bulging, vibrator AND wallet, laden with cash which is all for me, Me, ME, ME!

I fucking knew it! Now I have proof and boy, are you in trouble with the sisterhood!
posted by dg at 4:49 AM on May 15, 2009

Damnit, I coulda been rich by now! Unfortunately I have ethics. Damn you, ethics! How am I going to afford batteries now?
posted by h00py at 4:59 AM on May 15, 2009

Let's see how well I can do misogynistic asshole:

...So this crazy bitch says I knocked her up. I said I ain't paying for that shit, she's on her own. I mean, she's already got two kids, so what's one more? Then she starts crying and shit. Says that she needs me (giving me bedroom eyes and shit). After we did it, I told her flat out: I can go dutch for an abortion, but thats about it. Then the bitch freaks out on me! Calls me every name in the book!

See, that's how it is. You treat a girl nice and they act like you're just a wallet attached to a vibrator!

No fucking appreciation for the man in this world anymore, I guess.
posted by double block and bleed at 5:08 AM on May 15, 2009

Q: If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers, no women anywhere?
posted by Dr-Baa at 5:38 AM on May 15, 2009 [12 favorites]

As an aside, I think my last dozen or so comments have been either direct movie quotes or riffs on movie quotes. I think I have nothing original in my brain anymore, and this saddens me.
posted by Dr-Baa at 5:39 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

This wallet... it vibrates?
posted by jenkinsEar at 5:40 AM on May 15, 2009

What do you think, James Brown?
posted by jbickers at 5:41 AM on May 15, 2009

(Must be all the bong rips and L4D)
posted by Dr-Baa at 5:46 AM on May 15, 2009

Interior crocodile alligator I've got a chevrolet wallet vi-

oh fuck it
posted by Shohn at 6:17 AM on May 15, 2009

Help, help, I'm being repressed!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:33 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

I can go dutch for an abortion, but thats about it.

Now you've offended the Dutch. Nice work, meathead.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:36 AM on May 15, 2009

Sounds more bitter than misogynist to me. Unless there's a history I'm missing?
posted by DU at 6:40 AM on May 15, 2009

(That is, assuming "Single women" was supposed to be "Single mothers". Because otherwise none of the comments even make sense, let alone are true.)
posted by DU at 6:42 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

She came and I gave without taking AMIRITE?
posted by lukemeister at 6:42 AM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

Single men have exactly one priority in life.

It's beer.
posted by desjardins at 6:42 AM on May 15, 2009

posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:33 AM
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:36 AM
posted by DU at 9:40 AM

For combo's sake DU, I will assume your name stands for Devil's Underwear.
posted by Dr-Baa at 6:43 AM on May 15, 2009 [8 favorites]

YO DAWG WE ATTACHED A VIBRATOR TO YOUR WALLET SO YOU CA


Okay, I got nuthin.
posted by slogger at 6:43 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious."
posted by inconsequentialist at 6:45 AM on May 15, 2009

Kupo?: I'm 26, she's 28 with 3 kids. I need some advice about dating a single mom.

Osmanthus: Single women have exactly one priority in life... play your heartstrings like a violin...But, all you really are is a wallet attached to a vibrator.

Here's the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.
...
Till the one day when the lady met this fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That this group would somehow form a family.
That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch, icy succubus would use him
for sex and money, and eat his heart for lunch

That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch.Osmanthus became A Bitter Cunt.
A Bitter Cunt.

posted by dgaicun at 6:45 AM on May 15, 2009 [51 favorites]

goddamnit dgaicun, now I have to make something up about why I was laughing at work.
posted by desjardins at 6:48 AM on May 15, 2009

I have nothing to say except that this thread is amazing and I either love or hate you all, I haven't figured out which yet.
posted by languagehat at 6:50 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

koeselitz, bro, ima KICK YOUR ASS if that shit gets stuck in my head for the rest of today.

am i doing it rite?
posted by lonefrontranger at 6:50 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

But goddamn I'd love to know how to make my cock vibrate. They'd be lining up for that shit.

So my Parkinson's diagnosis isn't all bad?
posted by biffa at 6:55 AM on May 15, 2009

If this is your first time in Metatalk, you have to fight.
posted by panboi at 6:56 AM on May 15, 2009 [5 favorites]

But goddamn I'd love to know how to make my cock vibrate. They'd be lining up for that shit.

I would teach you, but I'm pretty much banned from even looking at the paint shaker at the Home Depot these days.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:57 AM on May 15, 2009 [12 favorites]

You know the law: Two men enter, one man leaves.
posted by chunking express at 6:57 AM on May 15, 2009

Some people are jerks. Some men are viciously stupid about women. The prompt deletion is a good thing. This MeTa callout? Seems to be an opportunity for jackassery. Was that the idea?
posted by theora55 at 6:59 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

This MeTa callout? Seems to be an opportunity for jackassery. Was that the idea?
posted by theora55 at 6:59 AM on May 15

The idea is that Osmanthus was complaining about being censored in the AskMe thread, so I created this thread where he could speak freely about his poisonous, stupid, sad opinions. I hope that answers your question.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:05 AM on May 15, 2009

This MeTa callout? Seems to be an opportunity for jackassery. Was that the idea?

Um, yes?
posted by gaspode at 7:05 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

come on, guys. by taking away his voice, we are persecuting him. the censorship is absolutely chilling. chances are, he's *this close* from removing metafilter from his bookmarks.
posted by EatTheWeak at 7:09 AM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

If I had my druthers, I'd take jackassery over assjackery.
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:11 AM on May 15, 2009

I created this thread where he could speak freely about his poisonous, stupid, sad opinions. I hope that answers your question.

Sometimes people just need to go for a walk where no one is calling them names. OC I know you had good intentions but I sort of feel that excessive belittlement, name-calling and spleen venting while calming to the venter does nothing to further the cause of alleviating suffering in the world.

If I learned anything from the Meetup thread it's that the extent to which MeFi does not resemble high school is the exact extent to which people are gleefully happy here.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:14 AM on May 15, 2009 [9 favorites]

You know what would settle everyone down and lead to a frank and productive exchange of opinions?
A slice o' the old Ukrainian dogshit-and-fœtus cake.
posted by Mister_A at 7:14 AM on May 15, 2009

If Metafilter resembled my high school there would be more bullet belts, wrist gauntlets and denim jackets with Venom patches on them.
posted by The Straightener at 7:17 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

And wallet chains. Must not forget wallet chains.

Attached to vibrators, no less.
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:18 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mad Libs!

[Adjective] women have exactly one [noun] in life, that is to take care of their [plural noun]. They will [verb] whatever it takes. If this means [verb ending in -ing] themselves to some man so she can get an occasional [adjective] [noun] she'll do it. She will play your [plural noun] like a [musical instrument] and you will think she is in [location] with you. But, all you really are is a [noun] attached to a [noun].
posted by burnmp3s at 7:21 AM on May 15, 2009 [6 favorites]

You know what is really terrifying? Those UPS guys - they're not even human. They are gathering data on us for their alien race - where we live, what shit we buy on the internet - in preparation for the great harvest of 2010. And what's with those trucks? Has anyone even seen inside one? No.

The great thing about this thread is that in the context of some guy's view that women are vile parasitic demons who want to replace all the cash in your wallet with vibrating penises, my theories seem sane.
posted by Elmore at 7:23 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

I loved Mad Libs!

Tall
shoe
laptops
sneeze
coughing
pink
flipflop
coffees
harmonica
Fenway Park
baseball
hot dog


Tall women have exactly one shoe in life, that is to take care of their laptops. They will sneeze whatever it takes. If this means coughing themselves to some man so she can get an occasional pink flipflop she'll do it. She will play your coffees like a harmonica and you will think she is in Fenway Park with you. But, all you really are is a baseball attached to a hot dog.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:33 AM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's not my baby, cause I don't like you.

We can still fuck, right? What if I just put the tip in?
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:36 AM on May 15, 2009

You know who else created a callout thread for every cry of "censorship"? Well...I guess nobody. Until now.
posted by DU at 7:37 AM on May 15, 2009

This MeTa callout? Seems to be an opportunity for jackassery. Was that the idea?

As is every MeTa callout, that's why they're so much fun.

Also, part of the stimulus package for Big Popcorn
posted by Mick at 7:39 AM on May 15, 2009

Crusty women have exactly one hat in life, that is to take care of their ducks. They will pluck whatever it takes. If this means jumping themselves to some man so she can get an occasional decrepit moose she'll do it. She will play your refridgerators like a glass harmonica and you will think she is in Cleveland with you. But, all you really are is a cookie attached to a broccoli.

DISCLOSURE: Crusty has been my go-to adjective for Mad Libs since forever.
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:40 AM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

...you will think she is in Cleveland with you.

That's so wrong, I don't even know where to start.
posted by Mister_A at 7:42 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Aha! So that's why my mom told me to always keep a condom in my wallet.
posted by Elmore at 7:47 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

If Metafilter resembled my high school there would be more bullet belts, wrist gauntlets and denim jackets with Venom patches on them.

Whoa, The Straightener, that's 100 times cooler than my high school was. Did you go to high school in the forests of Norway?
posted by ignignokt at 7:48 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

and Optimus Chyme (a mod I'm assuming?)

A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ahem *cough cough*



and Optimus Chyme (a mod I'm assuming?)

hee-te-hee-te-A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

whew!
posted by slogger at 7:51 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

I fucking knew it! Now I have proof and boy, are you in trouble with the sisterhood!

Sorry, did you say something? It's hard to hear you over the buzzing of your vibrating wallet.
posted by iconomy at 7:53 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

but, hey, Ozymandias? Osmanthus?

Nah. He's Phil Collins.

Compare: she'll do it. She will play your heartstrings like a violin and you will think she is in live with you with Easy lover/ She'll get a hold on you believe it / Like no other / Before you know it you'll be on your knees ...

See? I rest my case.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:55 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

My 18 year-old-self nods his head in sage agreement with Osmanthus just before I realize my 18-year old self was a monstrously self-entitled twit who was 100% convinced that I was still going to be a millionaire playboy who raced my sports car around and fucked playboy bunnies. Oh, 18-year old self, you were such a jackass looser, no wonder you couldn't get a date.
posted by mrmojoflying at 8:06 AM on May 15, 2009 [6 favorites]

Hey no one has done this yet, I think, so here goes:

Flagged as MotherFilter.

Bwa-haa-haa-haa!
posted by Mister_A at 8:07 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Aha, I had long suspected that the Whelk was one of my kids and now there is proof. Hi honey! I guess I misplaced you along the way somewhere, probably while I was out following the siren song of that delicious, delicious vibrating wallet creature.

Note to self, next time be sure wallet actually has money in it and vibrator batteries have been replaced since Clinton administration.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:16 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Sounds more bitter than misogynist to me. Unless there's a history I'm missing?

The awesome thing is, it can be both! One of the few instances where one have have cake and eat it, too.
posted by rtha at 8:17 AM on May 15, 2009

The computer on the Nostromo was called "Mother." I did not trust her!
posted by Mister_A at 8:28 AM on May 15, 2009

I knew I shoulda been on MeTa instead of… whatever the hell I was up to.
posted by klangklangston at 8:28 AM on May 15, 2009

Kupo?:If you have a hot girl that's you're in love with and all she wants is an occasional free meal and your "vibrator" haven't you, you know, won?

Now you're catching on.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 8:37 AM on May 15, 2009

I don't want to point fingers, but when nearly every one of someone's metatalk comments is complaining that they are being censored by having their comments deleted, it might be time for them to rethink how they are posting to the other parts of the site, or at the very least consider why it is that their comments so often seem to rub people the wrong way enough to draw moderator attention.
posted by quin at 8:38 AM on May 15, 2009

mygothlaundry, does that mean I'm owed years of back birthday money? Cause I could use it bout now.
posted by The Whelk at 8:43 AM on May 15, 2009

Isn't this what mods are for? I'm not getting the point of this exercise.
posted by electroboy at 8:47 AM on May 15, 2009

wallet, vibrator
Osmanthus fears single moms
and Hitler appears


-or-

Osmanthus and moms,
spark desire and hatred,
mom, virgin, and whore.
posted by edgeways at 8:49 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Wait. My man doesn't vibrate and I can't stuff my driver's license in him. Did I get a broken one?
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:57 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

...when nearly every one of someone's metatalk comments is complaining that they are being censored by having their comments deleted...

A snot's hum
moans thus.
posted by Kinbote at 8:57 AM on May 15, 2009

This is why the grey is the first sub-site I check everyday.
posted by paisley henosis at 9:01 AM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

(The fact that there is always a tiny fraction as much to catch up on has nothing to do with it.)
posted by paisley henosis at 9:01 AM on May 15, 2009

Hi, Malkovich!
posted by y2karl at 9:02 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

My vibrating cock brings all the girls to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours! Damn right, it's better than yours! I'd teach you, but I'd have to charge!

(Needs work.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:04 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: loosers of jackasses.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 9:07 AM on May 15, 2009

My phosphate brings the gents to the square, verily, tis finer than theirs. Verily! Tis better than theirs. I could instruct you, but I'd have to levy a fee.
posted by The Whelk at 9:09 AM on May 15, 2009 [26 favorites]

Is "phosphate" the new tater? Find out at 11 on MetaTalk–News You Can Choose to Use!
posted by Mister_A at 9:13 AM on May 15, 2009

Explosion!





(in my pants)




(dang burrito!)
posted by mds35 at 9:14 AM on May 15, 2009

jessamyn: Sometimes people just need to go for a walk where no one is calling them names... I sort of feel that excessive belittlement, name-calling and spleen venting while calming to the venter does nothing to further the cause of alleviating suffering in the world... If I learned anything from the Meetup thread it's that the extent to which MeFi does not resemble high school is the exact extent to which people are gleefully happy here.

Hm. Well; that seems true.

It always seems like I'm going to have so much fun during a flameout, and I guess it's actually possible to lower myself to that childish level where I enjoy showing off to my friends just how mean-spirited I can be—to someone who obviously deserves it, of course, or else I couldn't feel justified. It's a little embarrassing to admit it, though, and seeing that for what it is makes me wonder how I could have ever thought that that was an adult way to act.

I'll have to remember that in the future.
posted by koeselitz at 9:21 AM on May 15, 2009

(Needs work.)

I have a few mechanical engineering friends that would totally do so and only charge you in free beer.


MetaFilter: loosers of jackasses.

I never thought my first MetaFilter:'d comment would come from a fast-fingered misspelling, taken as a malapropism, turned into a scatalogical joke.

Awesome sauce.
posted by mrmojoflying at 9:21 AM on May 15, 2009

Or is it an eggcorn?
posted by mrmojoflying at 9:23 AM on May 15, 2009

burnmp3s and jerseygirl especially, but also to any and all who may be interested, i found a historical document and cleaned it up a little for easy mad libbing. here is the beginning of my work:

In the name of the most adjective and adjective noun: Be it known to all, and every one whom it may concern, or to whom in any manner it may belong, That for number Years past, noun andnoun being stir'd up in place, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all place, but also the neighbouring noun, and noun particularly, have been involv'd in the noun of a adjective and adjective noun: And in the first place, between the adverb adjective and most adjective noun and first name,first name, of adjective noun, elected title, always adjective, with possesive pronoun plural noun and plural noun on one side; and the adverb adjective, and the adverb adjective and most adjective noun and first name,first name, of adjective with possesive pronoun plural noun and plural noun on the other side. And after their noun, between the adverb adjective and most adjective noun and first name,first name, of adjective noun, elected title on one side; and the adverb adjective, and the adverb adjective and most adjective noun and first name,first name, of adjective with possesive pronoun plural noun and plural noun on the other side: from whence ensu'd adjective noun of adjective noun , and the noun of adjective noun . It has at last happen'd, by the noun of adjective noun , seconded by the noun of the adverb adjective noun of place, who in this adjective time, when all noun is imbroil'd, has not verb'd to contribute its Counsels for the adjective noun andnoun; so that on the side, and the other, they have form'd noun of an adjective noun. And for this purpose, by a adjective noun and noun of both plural noun, in the year of our noun number. the number of month, it was verb'd at place , to hold an noun of adjective plural noun, who should render themselves at place and place in place the number of month, N.S. in the year number. The adjective noun on the one side, and the other, duly establish'd, appearing at the adjective time, and on the behalf of personal pronoun adjective name , the adverb adjective and adverb adjective noun, list of people And by the noun and noun of the adverb adjective and adverb adjective noun , who for the space of length of time, or thereabouts, with great noun, and a noun intirely adjective, has been inclin'd to be a noun in these plural noun. After having implor'd the adjective noun, and receiv'd a adjective noun, and full noun, the noun of which are inserted at the end of this noun, in the presence and with the consent of the plural noun of the entity, the other plural noun, to the noun, and the noun of the adjective World, the following noun have been agreed on and consented to, and the same run thus.
posted by the aloha at 9:30 AM on May 15, 2009 [5 favorites]

Yes, whelk, you do owe me lots of birthday money! Remember, I'm a single mom. Things work a little differently around here. I only had kids to cash in on the bountiful welfare money while lying around on my lazy ass availing myself of the nearest vibrator equipped wallet. It's a good life, let me tell you, and I laugh scornfully now and then as I think of all the sad, stupid men I've drained and dumped. Then, just like all women and particularly single moms, I eat another bon bon and drape myself in the skins of dalmatian puppies.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:38 AM on May 15, 2009 [6 favorites]

BAN.... HAMMER
it's the hammer
the hammer with the Midas touch
a spider's touch

such a cold HAMMER
beckons you to enter his web of sin
but don't go in

Stupid words he will pour in your ear
But his lies can't disguise what he fears
For the mods knows when he's fucked up
It's the fuck up of death ...

From Mister Ban HAMMER
little poster, beware of the mods of old
Their hearts are cold

[etc]

They love to BAN
BAN BAN BAN BAN
BAN YOU OUT COLD
BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN
posted by GuyZero at 9:39 AM on May 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

[W]hen nearly every one of someone's metatalk comments is complaining that they are being censored by having their comments deleted, it might be time for them to rethink how they are posting to the other parts of the site...

Oddly enough, his two comments that aren't complaining about censorship are complaining about insufficient action by the moderators.
posted by lore at 9:39 AM on May 15, 2009

Just wanted to chime in with this: does anyone else out there see the irony in flaming a misogynist with the pejorative douchebag? FTR, it is a misogynist term. It's like saying, "Man, can you believe that fucking homophobe in this thread? His comments are so fucking gay!"
posted by barrett caulk at 9:40 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

2. The one-liner you're looking for is "this wallet, it vibrates?"

That's the traditional way. I'm thinking this thread deserves a new one:

"This vibrator, it pays the bills?"

"This vibrator, it buys me dinner?"

"This vibrator, it has a platinum card?"
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:41 AM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

The problem is he is using anecdotal evidence as being applicable to a larger set.

He just needs to get out of Los Angeles.
posted by plexi at 9:49 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Fuck, I swear to God I keep trying to touch this one with my ten-foot pole*, but it's not working!

He got fired from being a valet cause he kept taking cars out on joyrides.

Really? Then he scores 150 badass points. Ring him up!

* Hey-yo!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:06 AM on May 15, 2009

"This vibrator, it buys me dinner?"

This vibrator, it irons my shirts?

Finally got that ten-foot-pole working. Yeesh. Snuggle bunnies.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:07 AM on May 15, 2009

iconomy writes "Hate to burst your bubble, but it isn't just single women. I'm married and I see men that way too. All women do. Every single one of us. We're all exactly the same. My husband is nothing but a big, hot, sexy, bulging, vibrator AND wallet, laden with cash which is all for me, Me, ME, ME!"

I knew it!

Burhanistan writes "I want to see one of these things in the SkyMall catalog by next quarter."

A junior patrick and a AAA -> D battery adapter and you're good to go.

Metroid Baby writes "My man doesn't vibrate and I can't stuff my driver's license in him. Did I get a broken one?"

Just keep forcing the DL in, the vibrating should pick up.
posted by Mitheral at 10:07 AM on May 15, 2009

Like 98.4% of all real madlibs:

[Stupid] women have exactly one [butt] in life, that is to take care of their [wombats]. They will [fart] whatever it takes. If this means [barfing] themselves to some man so she can get an occasional [smelly] [tricycle] she'll do it. She will play your [bananas] like a [sousaphone] and you will think she is in [my butt] with you. But, all you really are is a [poop] attached to a [turd].
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:09 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Check it out.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:09 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

barrett caulk says:
Just wanted to chime in with this: does anyone else out there see the irony in flaming a misogynist with the pejorative douchebag? FTR, it is a misogynist term. It's like saying, "Man, can you believe that fucking homophobe in this thread? His comments are so fucking gay!"

I see the irony, but your second example is more of a directed insult. Only those who we disapprove of (the homophobes) will be insulted. Call my comments gay, and I'm more likely to get confused as to the sexual orientation of a statement than offended by the insinuation that I am also gay. It only harms those who would be offended by being gay. He was askin' for it, if you will.

douchebag, however, is just a terrible word all around, no matter how much I enjoy using it.
posted by Lemurrhea at 10:16 AM on May 15, 2009

hey sorry i'm late to the man thread but um...yeah i was, whatever.

*shrugs*
*cracks beer*
*turns on the game*
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:18 AM on May 15, 2009

It's funny, maybe, but I've never viewed "douchebag" as a misogynistic - certainly not the way "bitch" or "cunt" have been/are/can be (depending on context and geographic location).

A douchebag is something women (used to) use, true, but it is a thing that is unnecessary and even harmful. Seems like the perfect insult.
posted by rtha at 10:24 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

In the name of the most crusty and incontinent philosopher: Be it known to all, and every one whom it may concern, or to whom in any manner it may belong, That for 42 Years past, jazz and subharmonics being stir'd up in Petaluma, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all Fargo, but also the neighbouring biscotti, and bidi particularly, have been involv'd in the clodhopper of a brown and slimy brassiere: And in the first place, between the swiftly moldy and most alert platypus and Ginger,Grizelda, of glacial fairy, elected judge, always obtuse, with his knickers and scallops on one side; and the swimmingly purple, and the happily moist and most dopey duck and Balthazar, Betty, of stinky with her meathooks and disco balls on the other side. And after their Berlin Wall, between the morbidly sleepy and most vapid clam and Harriet, Milton, of tardy ashtray, elected emperor on one side; and the sweetly sticky, and the sourly damp and most pleasant haircut and Oliver, Bertha, of cordial with its unicorns and Smurfs on the other side: from whence ensu'd shady bear of unhappy corndog , and the fist of yellow lederhosen . It has at last happen'd, by the penguin of plump discotheque , seconded by the roller derby of the stunningly exciting milquetoast of oxygen bar, who in this persnickety time, when all hula hoop is imbroil'd, has not explode'd to contribute its Counsels for the magical breakfast and bowling ball; so that on the side, and the other, they have form'd cheesecake of an soppy french fry. And for this purpose, by a mysterious bungee cord and coconut of both flapjacks, in the year of our meter maid 69. the 32 of October, it was speak'd at place , to hold an mattress of dirty malamutes, who should render themselves at high school and Paris in the Congo the 14 of May, N.S. in the year 17. The bloody sandwich on the one side, and the other, duly establish'd, appearing at the plaid time, and on the behalf of his runny Billiam, the hastily British and regretfully ornery pigeon, phone book And by the prairie dog and surfboard of the excruciatingly handsome and undeniably striped pretzel , who for the space of three and a half hours, or thereabouts, with great zoot suit, and a plum intirely dormant, has been inclin'd to be a cameraphone in these hayseeds. After having implor'd the swanky milkman, and receiv'd a princely bookmark, and full syrup, the tire iron of which are inserted at the end of this popsicle stick, in the presence and with the consent of the web developers of the state, the other popped collars, to the elevator, and the martini of the aromatic World, the following toupee have been agreed on and consented to, and the same run thus.
posted by Dr-Baa at 10:26 AM on May 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

Wow, what a tool!
posted by schyler523 at 10:51 AM on May 15, 2009

Wow, what a tool!
"that's what she said"
posted by the aloha at 11:03 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

There is no way this thread will end up being as good as it is right now promising to be.

Too true. But check out Osmanthus' previous metatalks for some high-quality lulz:

I find the censoring of this thread chilling: my comments were deleted and I was disappeared like a jew at auschwitz. I never thought it would happen at metafilter.

awesome!
posted by ryanrs at 11:04 AM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

That is hilarious. Maybe Osmanthus is used to posting in the Flickr Central forum.
posted by chunking express at 11:07 AM on May 15, 2009

dr-baa, i am thrilled that you were able to make both sides come to an agreement. ha!
posted by the aloha at 11:08 AM on May 15, 2009

That's an interesting take on the meaning of the term, rtha. I've never considered it from that angle. I've always interpreted it as "douchebags are filthy, gross things because they are filled with the filthy, gross stuff that is flushed out of filthy, stinky vaginas." The insult seems to originate, to me, from its association with vaginas. Like calling someone a pussy.
posted by barrett caulk at 11:11 AM on May 15, 2009

I can't believe that this person compared his deleted comment to the horrible fate of a Jew consigned to Auschwitz. I can't believe he said that crazy shit about single mothers. It would not sadden me in the least to see this awful person banned from this site.
posted by Mister_A at 11:12 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

I can't believe you all don't understand this. A woman without her man is wo, and she owes you her.
posted by msalt at 11:14 AM on May 15, 2009

Wow indeed.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:16 AM on May 15, 2009

Bah, ryanrs beat me to it. Ah well. It's a quote for the ages, though. Beats the "supercensorship" thread from election season.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:18 AM on May 15, 2009

(...) my comments were deleted and I was disappeared like a jew at auschwitz.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake!

Yeah, *just* like.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:19 AM on May 15, 2009

I've always interpreted it as "douchebags are filthy, gross things because they are filled with the filthy, gross stuff that

I've always read it as someone who's sort of a drag in the way that a device meant to eliminate all the pheromoney stuff from a woman's womanly bits is a drag. Like, you're all, whooooo, this is awesome, and then the douchebag comes along and rains on your parade. As it were.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:24 AM on May 15, 2009

THESE WALLETS.................THEY VIBRATE??????????????????????? whew, I feel better now.
posted by unknowncommand at 11:30 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hey, does anyone else feel like havin' some Miracle Whip?
posted by Mister_A at 11:36 AM on May 15, 2009

Yesterday I blogged (because IGMOBMF!!!) about "Never Gonna Give You Up" being the most co-dependent song since the '60s 'girl singers who'd do anything for their man' and how a lyric with the opposite attitude would look...

Never gonna give you what you want
Never gonna let you do what you want
Never gonna run after you and say I’m sorry
Never gonna make you happy
Never gonna say I love you
Never gonna tell you what I’m doing when I’m away unless I want to hurt you very badly

Instead of a Rickroll, that would be a DickRoll.

(And the most proudly misogynist song was Shel Silverstein's country parody "Put Another Log On The Fire")
posted by wendell at 11:36 AM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

It occurs to me that I may not know how a douchebag actually works.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:45 AM on May 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

Wow, what a tool!
"that's what she said"

When she finally got her hands on a pair of high quality slip-joint pliers,

"This will save me all sorts of time".
posted by quin at 11:46 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

It occurs to me that I may not know how a douchebag actually works.

It may be best to observe one in action.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:53 AM on May 15, 2009

It occurs to me that I may not know how a douchebag actually works.


In all honesty, me neither. My take on things is based on a single explanation I was given many, many years ago. But it was from a woman, so I assumed she had some authority on the matter. Now, I'm not so sure. Guess some research is in order . . .
posted by barrett caulk at 11:56 AM on May 15, 2009

I checked Wikipedia, I was correct. barrett caulk: you may not know how a douchebag works. Here is a helpful link that is also helpfully SFW!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:56 AM on May 15, 2009

Heh. Just back from Wikipedia to find that jessamyn has done my homework for me! And that I was woefully misinformed on the subject. Now my whole worldview is collapsed. But on the plus side, douchebag as an insult doesn't seem so bad anymore. Guess I'm the douchebag, yeah? Earlier criticism rescinded. The moral: keep an open mind and never stop learning, kids. Hugs for everyone.
posted by barrett caulk at 12:04 PM on May 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

Oooo, I have a perl script for this!

In the name of the most hooded and trackless mix: Be it known to all, and every foghorn whom it may concern, or to whom in any sister-in-law it may belong, that for resinous years past, kickback and groundwave being stir'd up in continuity, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all hegemony, but also the neighboring combustibleness, and beguine particularly, have been involv'd in the supplication of a ritziest and soupier bung.


In the name of the most psychiatric and trussed holiday: Be it known to all, and every grimoire whom it may concern, or to whom in any zwieback it may belong, that for tailored years past, typecase and sunlamp being stir'd up in bankruptcy, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all flexibleness, but also the neighboring cock, and jumper particularly, have been involv'd in the devil-worship of a sordid and gowned risk.


In the name of the most scummiest and putrified archenemy: Be it known to all, and every benchwarmer whom it may concern, or to whom in any workspace it may belong, that for recoupable years past, curbing and tic-tac-toe being stir'd up in torpedo, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all piston, but also the neighboring disarray, and aspartame particularly, have been involv'd in the seraphim of a germless and grieving urinal.

In the name of the most larcenous and masterly abettor: Be it known to all, and every bloodshed whom it may concern, or to whom in any ballooning it may belong, that for selfrestrained years past, nerves and taps being stir'd up in theft, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all verisimilitude, but also the neighboring nurse, and refer particularly, have been involv'd in the iguanodon of a proportioned and pitiless pesthole.
posted by agropyron at 12:07 PM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm late to this thread and I don't know if anyone's still actually reading this... but I want Osmanthus to know that I saw this comment the mods deleted my previous post. I guess they'd rather me take a more serious tone when I inform you of the mistake you are making.... and flagged it, and thought about calling it out in that thread. The mods don't typically delete comments unless they get a lot of flags from users. I would guess I'm not the only one who flagged it. Don't blame the mods for censorship because that's not what happened. It's more like the community took a sip of your comment and collectively gagged and spat it out. Nothing personal.

And this: Those who can't tolerate other's opinions censor them. You know who else censored peoples opinions...

This pisses me off. Who the fuck do you think you are? You post an "opinion" that says all single mothers are basically prostitutes, and now you're the victim? Why should we tolerate an opinion like yours? You wouldn't "tolerate" my "opinion" if I called your girlfriend (or hell, your mother) a whore. Get the fuck out of here. Ugh.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:13 PM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

Metafilter: the iguanodon of a proportioned and pitiless pesthole
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:14 PM on May 15, 2009

jessamyn: I checked Wikipedia, I was correct. barrett caulk: you may not know how a douchebag works. Here is a helpful link that is also helpfully SFW!

Yeah—I'd embraced that insult a long time ago after it was explained to me that douchebags were 'an unnecessary implement propagated by men in order to clean filthy, filthy vaginas that don't actually need artificial cleaning.' That's a relatively biased take on them, I admit, but it's what I was told; and it seems to be borne out by that wikipedia article, at least in large part.

So if a 'douchebag' represents an insulting and even damaging imposition on the female sex based on the crude supposition that a particular body part of that sex is inherently dirty, it seems like a pretty good code word for “cruel jerk.”
posted by koeselitz at 12:17 PM on May 15, 2009

For something that started out so ugly, this turned out to be pretty funny and informative.

Also, I'm so disappointed I didn't get to the vibrating wallet joke first.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:20 PM on May 15, 2009

http://tinypic.com/r/357kpd4/5

I've yet to see this in the wild.
posted by FunkyHelix at 12:30 PM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Then, just like all women and particularly single moms, I eat another bon bon and drape myself in the skins of dalmatian puppies."

Man, I wanna be a single mom.
posted by klangklangston at 12:33 PM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yeah, barrett caulk, I was initially troubled by the douchebag resurgence (hurf) too, but at least among my feminist-leaning social network, I believe it's been reclaimed as a feminist insult. When I call a guy a douchebag, douchelord, or douchenozzle, I'm saying he is dumb, bad for women, does not do what he is supposed to, and (especially) not going anywhere near my vagina.
posted by clavicle at 12:40 PM on May 15, 2009 [24 favorites]

I've yet to see this in the wild.

That's because they've been hunted to extinction, with the few surviving specimens all in captivity.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:46 PM on May 15, 2009

So if a 'douchebag' represents an insulting and even damaging imposition on the female sex based on the crude supposition that a particular body part of that sex is inherently dirty, it seems like a pretty good code word for “cruel jerk.”

This has always been my take on the word, which is why it's used so often to describe someone who should be considered harmful to women. It's useful for describing everything from some popped-collar player to overtly ignorant misogynists and even outright physical/verbal/mental abusers.

There's nothing about douching or a douch bag that is positive to feminism. It's not a feminist cultural artifact. It's a misogynist cultural artifact.
posted by loquacious at 12:48 PM on May 15, 2009

If men are just vibrators attached to wallets, then most men must need their batteries replaced. Otherwise, what's up with the statistic that only 30-40% of women have had orgasms?
posted by schroedinger at 12:48 PM on May 15, 2009

If men are just vibrators attached to wallets, then most men must need their batteries replaced.

Some are gas-powered.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:53 PM on May 15, 2009

only 30-40% of women have had orgasms?

I question that statistic. Contrast it to this phone survey by ABC news which asked (US) women who have had sex in the last year how often they'd had an orgasm. Options (and responses) were always (30%) most of the time (45%) some of the time (16%) or hardly ever (7%). So unless this statistic is including celibate women and possibly girls or is otherwise time-limited, it surprises me. Where's it from?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:57 PM on May 15, 2009

Maybe they're using the wrong end of the vibrator-wallet thingy?
posted by taz at 1:08 PM on May 15, 2009 [6 favorites]

First of all, I'd like to say hello to all the taxpayers, and screw you. And second of all, I'd like to take a little bit of our national network airtime to advocate that I be allowed to masturbate in public buildings.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 1:08 PM on May 15, 2009

BECAUSE IT WAS THERE.
posted by Mister_A at 1:11 PM on May 15, 2009

This thread has taken an interesting direction.
posted by The Whelk at 1:13 PM on May 15, 2009

I'd like to take a little bit of our national network airtime to advocate that I be allowed to masturbate in public buildings.

I disagree with this sort of activity, but I say, "let he who has a free hand cast the first stone."
posted by Mister_A at 1:16 PM on May 15, 2009

Otherwise, what's up with the statistic that only 30-40% of women have had orgasms?

Obviously, I was taken out of circulation prematurely.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:17 PM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

only 30-40% of women have had orgasms?

Maybe they mean vaginal orgasms?

Of course, I can only have one if the man has a big, fat...wallet...
posted by JoanArkham at 1:17 PM on May 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

Guess I won't be needing this cock then...
posted by Mister_A at 1:26 PM on May 15, 2009

"Enema bag" is unisex and is much dirtier, but douchebag just sounds great, although technically the douche nozzle is the business end.

As for Osmanthus, as vile as I find his comment, I (like some others) feel there's a sad story there which led to that very unfair generalization. Plus it's so outrageous that it's almost comical, as evidenced by the parodies it spawned in this thread.
posted by Devils Slide at 1:28 PM on May 15, 2009

Hey, does anyone else feel like havin' some Miracle Whip?

That ad --and its animation -- has been driving me bonkers!

No way am I ever gonna buy me some Miracle Whip®.

Miracle Whup-Ass®? Yes. Miracle Whip®? No way.
posted by ericb at 1:36 PM on May 15, 2009

As for Osmanthus, as vile as I find his comment, I (like some others) feel there's a sad story there which led to that very unfair generalization.

Could be his heart was broken by a cruel relationship, but in my experience most brainless misogynists confirm their own beliefs about women by acting like collosal a-holes towards them, getting dumped and/or cheated on, and then whining to whoever will listen about how women are only interested in a guy's income.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:41 PM on May 15, 2009 [15 favorites]

I (like some others) feel there's a sad story there

I knew a woman, doing the single mother thing because her baby-daddy had gone to the meth-side. She's telling me about how upset she is that the guy she's living with is more interested in video games than her attempts to thank him for helping her out with blowjobs. She didn't even want him to stop playing the game, just to let her thank him while he was playing. It was hard to know what part of her situation seemed most horrible and saddening. She was willing to do anything to make sure he son had as stable a home as she could, and this was what she thought was her best path to that state.

The sad truth is that there are some people out there who are desperate beyond measure, people looking to exploit them, and people willing to be exploited because they think they have no better options.
posted by nomisxid at 1:42 PM on May 15, 2009

As for Osmanthus, as vile as I find his comment, I (like some others) feel there's a sad story there which led to that very unfair generalization. Plus it's so outrageous that it's almost comical, as evidenced by the parodies it spawned in this thread.

That's actually the exact situation that makes The Room so interesting. The whole point of the film is to show a ridiculously over-the-top misogynistic portrayal of women, and yet there's an underlying sadness there because it was obviously heavily inspired by events in his own life.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:44 PM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Contrast it to this phone survey by ABC news which asked (US) women who have had sex in the last year how often they'd had an orgasm. Options (and responses) were always (30%) most of the time (45%) some of the time (16%) or hardly ever (7%).

Ah, so the question is, Do you have 'orgasms during sex', not 'orgasms' per se. They might want to reword the question. Or hand out vibrating cock rings.
posted by jokeefe at 1:58 PM on May 15, 2009

Osmanthus: A very, very lonely little man.

Douchebags: douchebags are a harmful fraud perpetrated on poorly informed women who have been falsely taught that their vaginas are nasty, stinky places. Douching changes the pH balance of the interior environment, killing any good bacteria and allowing bad bacteria to gain the upper hand. It can irritate the lining, dislodge the cervical mucuous plug, and so on and so forth.

In short, douches damage vaginas. As a fellow who loves — nay, worships! — vaginas, "douchebag" is the perfect description for those things that are harmful or fraudulent.

Osmanthus is a douchebag: he promotes a harmful, fraudulent view of women.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:07 PM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Okay, so, by the wikipedia article, 27% of women in the U.S. claimed to douche regularly in 1995.

So ladies, did the sex talk received from your mom/parents include details on douching? Is this something older girls taught younger girls? At what point did you realize that douching was stupid and misogynist?

I mean, I agree, but 27% seems pretty widespread.
posted by graventy at 2:08 PM on May 15, 2009

I refuse to ride on the douchebag bandwagon.
posted by Sailormom at 2:12 PM on May 15, 2009

Wait a second–it's VA-jina, not BUH-jina???
posted by Mister_A at 2:19 PM on May 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

I refuse to ride on the douchebag bandwagon.

That's fine. Thankfully we have a shorter epithet that's sometimes a useful synonym for douchebag. That word is "dick".

Language is a virus, and we're all chimps in the lab.
posted by loquacious at 2:34 PM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Message : someone ask question, i post misogynist comment. why no?
posted by oaf at 2:36 PM on May 15, 2009

Pink Flipflop said it best: "Oll in oll you're just-a.. nother dick 'n a wollet."

Hey! Douchbags! Leave them quims alone!
posted by fleacircus at 2:48 PM on May 15, 2009

Metafilter: jessamyn has done my homework for me!
posted by lukemeister at 2:56 PM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

Ignorance isn't an opinion.

I'm guessing you don't read too many Op/Ed pieces.
posted by doctor_negative at 3:00 PM on May 15, 2009

Is the market ready for such wallets? With an optional nozzle?
posted by _dario at 3:24 PM on May 15, 2009

The Misogyny Club: if you're dad's a member, you automatically get membership too.
posted by theyexpectresults at 3:37 PM on May 15, 2009

I refuse to ride on the douchebag bandwagon.

Then how about a quick jaunt on the colostomy bag carousel?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:40 PM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Contrast it to this phone survey by ABC news

If someone called me on the telephone with a question like that, I'd hang up immediately.
posted by anniecat at 3:41 PM on May 15, 2009

You gonna eat that?
posted by waraw at 3:48 PM on May 15, 2009

Then how about a quick jaunt on the colostomy bag carousel?

Great ride for the kids. Always an empty queue.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:09 PM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

And so, without any fuss, the posts started to go out.
posted by The Whelk at 5:28 PM on May 15, 2009

The Whelk, that is one of my all-time favorite short stories. Nicely done.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 6:41 PM on May 15, 2009

Homeless Frank Buys a Laptop. Spoof of the Microsoft commercials. 'cuz I'm tired of talking about douchebags.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:35 PM on May 15, 2009

There was a FPP on female beauty using a morphed pic and average scores on amihotornot.com [or a similar site].

I made a comment on how attractive she was, but, er, I didn't use approved, vagina-friendly terminology and had my post deleted. And no, it did not contain cussing or lecherous descriptions of gynaecological procedures. Things have really gone down hill since a...

Nah, I'm not even going to bother saying what I want to say. It's only going to get censored.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:51 PM on May 15, 2009

Comment deletion is not censorship; it's modding or editing. Censorship is when a government party restricts your freedom of expression. You might as well say a guy who cut you off in traffic murdered your entire family or something.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:04 PM on May 15, 2009

You might as well say a guy who cut you off in traffic murdered your entire family or something.

DAMN! That's exactly what I was going to say. Are you, like, John Edward's wife or something? You are very wise.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 10:08 PM on May 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nah, I'm not even going to bother saying what I want to say.

It's no less of an asshole move to drop it off a few words early. Jesus christ.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:10 PM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

I once shook his hand at an airport, and he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "This is how aliens make babies". Does that make us married?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:11 PM on May 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

I have posted a scene in the Internet From the 60s post and I would like people to see it. Is this the place for that?
posted by The Whelk at 10:24 PM on May 15, 2009

I mean thread, I mean head, I mean bed. yes. Bed is the place I should be.
posted by The Whelk at 10:31 PM on May 15, 2009

When I was a little kid, I got in trouble for using my mom's douchebag as a squirt gun.

Even better than that, I once took one of her humongous sanitary pads (it was the 70s; it was like an inch thick), stuck it to my forehead and ran around the house shrieking like a banshee and crashing my well-padded head into people and things.

This was while the neighbors were over for tea.
posted by double block and bleed at 10:34 PM on May 15, 2009 [6 favorites]

When I was about five, I carried it out to the porch, where mom was talking with the mailman, to ask, "Mom, what is this?" I don't think we ever saw that mailman again.
posted by netbros at 12:13 AM on May 16, 2009

back to vibrators, surely we have some stories of tots and dildoes.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:55 AM on May 16, 2009

Is this where we start telling stories about douchenozzles? I've just spent the night dealing with a friend that got dumped by his fiancee three weeks ago, just to find out she's hooked up with someone else already.

Clearly, douchenozzles are gender neutral.
posted by schyler523 at 1:08 AM on May 16, 2009

"Douchenozzles" is the genderless form of "dick" and "bitch." A less sexist term, because it is equally offensive to both sexes.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:22 AM on May 16, 2009

Oh god, I have to 'fess up! I doubt it is an original joke of any sort; it sounds like something my dad would have told me when I was a kind, trying to yank my six year old brain. But it was undoubtedly inspired, if not even outright lifted from, something Dimitri Martin did in Important Things. Which I highly recommend netflixing or itunesing or whatever it takes to reward Dimitri's brilliant brain. Dude is a comic genius of sorts. Undercover rockstar.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:29 AM on May 16, 2009

So, like, please unfavourite. If you must, favourite that last message, where Dimitri gets cred.

I'd love to have his home address. I'd send him twenty bucks cash. I got his DVD — I hope he has a DVD — in mind next time I'm in town at the Future Shop. Got a Christmas giftcard that's been burning a hole in my pocket. But I'd be just as happy using it on something else, and sending him or his accountant or whatever cash.

I think there are some very brilliant people out there who could make some serious private enterprise coin by taking advantage of torrents and pledge drives and blatant sponsorship (it worked for soap opera). A buck an episode from a few million people is a goodly amount of cash with which to produce something.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:35 AM on May 16, 2009

I once shook his hand at an airport, and he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "This is how aliens make babies". Does that make us married?

Everywhere except Texas.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:52 AM on May 16, 2009

Look people, if you really want to do madlibs, then try it with this:

I find the ___ of this ____ chilling: my _____ were _____ and I was _____ like a _____ at _____. I never thought it would happen at _____.
posted by ob at 2:46 AM on May 16, 2009

We need to know what types of words they are supposed to be, otherwise you'll end up with:

I find the crusty of this crusty chilling: my crusty were crusty and I was crusty like a crusty at crusty. I never thought it would happen at crusty.
posted by Dr-Baa at 8:22 AM on May 16, 2009

>Then how about a quick jaunt on the colostomy bag carousel?

Did you mean this ride? No thanks.

this was an actual ride at the local carnival a couple of years ago. My daughter was crushed when I would not let her ride on it.
posted by Sailormom at 8:59 AM on May 16, 2009

Hey guys, If I'm right you'll get this yesterday. We'll be in the middle of a nasty time problem then. Sorry for the confusion, tenses are the first thing to go. Time Crises and Causality Preservation have never been easily understandable, intuitive things, and this one is a doozy.

You remember that levitating frog that existed both in 1997 and yesterday along with the article from a year ago? Well, that was the frog's doing. High-energy magnetic fields can play havoc with traveling time particles. A cloud of super-intelligent neutrinos happened to pass through (great guys, BTW) the magnetic field just as the frog was levitated. The collision caused the frog to briefly be in two places/times at once, 2009 and 1997. Being that close to an honest-to-Gods paradox can do pretty funky things with your head. Non-linear perceptions, precognition, astral-plane walking and alternate universe manipulation, all fun stuff if you keep your cool and don't go screamingly insane in the process. I can only imagine the special blend of froggy-mind bending the little dude had before he snapped and started tearing down the walls of causality.

Aside from existing in two (and counting) time-frames at once, the frog also started to draw energy and experience from its future, past, and alternate incarnations. Unfortunately one of these future alternate incarnations was the supreme lord and master of a vast amphibian empire. The future/past knowledge of the Frog God-King spilled into the time-trapped frog and created even bigger paradoxes (paradoxae?) and conflicts.

So as I type, causality is fucking up all over. Buildings appear as ruins decades before they're built, people wandering in and out of their time frames, old and new continents appearing ...and don't get me started on the bloody dinosaurs. It's a mess, and while it's pretty bad here in New York (That looming black tower in the middle of Central Park is not comforting) other places are going/gone straight to hell. The guys in Rome can barely keep up with the gladiators and palaces popping in and out of existence and the team in Beijing is ready to call it quits and hope no one notices that the city is both 2 thousand years in the past and future. So I'm asking for help from the more dimension-hopping Mefites (you know who you are) to help squash out the paradoxes*. Meatbomb put an Anti-Retcon script in the server, so this should be the only record that anything happened should we win or loose.

Everyone else, just stay calm and carry on. I can't tell you to do anything, cause you've already done it anyway in every possible way. I told you it's confusing. Just one thing, if you come across a swapped gender alternate version of yourself, do not have sex. Please stick to same-sex or non-reproductive acts. Last time someone got themselves pregnant it was a complete and total clusterfuck that took 2 million years and the lives of a really neat civilization** to undo.

Anyway, sorry for the confusion, tenses are the first thing to go. See you then!

* And please don't be a dick about it. I know the urge is there, you think I wanted to see Old Penn Station go? Stick to established Continuity. Oh, and that guy who sent all those lost Victorians to a Steampunk convention, not cool. Hilarious, but not cool.

**No, not Atlantis. Sheesh.
posted by The Whelk at 11:22 AM on May 16, 2009 [10 favorites]

Wow The Whelk! I can't wait to favorite that comment.
posted by Sailormom at 11:35 AM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Those remarks spawned a MeTa thread and a 200+ person dogpile? While the following resulted in 20 favorites? I pretty much assume that every man is thinking he has some right to my body and will treat me accordingly. This applies to every man except ones who have proven over and over that they will not treat me like shit. And sometimes I'm still kind of nervous to be alone with a guy I think I know pretty well.

Wow. I continue to be amazed at the lengths to which this community will go to "find" examples of sexism directed at women, while at the same time willfully blinding itself to examples of that same attitude directed at men.
posted by Law Talkin' Guy at 1:20 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

What took you so long? Don't you ever change, man.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:22 PM on May 16, 2009

Everywhere except Texas.

DO WE ALWAYS HAFTA...

Screw it. Me and my colostomy bag are going for a nice, refreshing ride in the hill country, or have already a thousand times, I'm not sure which.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:24 PM on May 16, 2009

What took you so long? Don't you ever change, man.

I see you're applying your usual measure of intellectual rigor in defense of your politics.
posted by Law Talkin' Guy at 2:23 PM on May 16, 2009

Oh, lighten up, would ya? You arrive to this thead after 300+ comments to frantically wave the banner of Men's Rights, the only real surprise is that you didn't arrive sooner. After exasperation with arguing in circles with you, time and again, the only thing I can do anymore is laugh. Get over yourself already.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:28 PM on May 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Maybe we can derail this into a discussion of the distance between "men's rights" and "white pride."
posted by klangklangston at 2:34 PM on May 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

And the typical manner of coherency in your rejoinders, to boot. I used this as an occasion to point out an incongruity in how derisive remarks are received by the MF community, a position I'll note you've now devoted 2 comments and 0 arguments to responding to. Which, incidentally, is a good representation of your history of "arguing in circles" with me, which can really only be fairly described as arguing if the word "arguing" is redefined to include 1 or 2 line, throwaway, "oh snap!" lines.

I'd reciprocate the structure of your comment and close with a meaningless, irrelevant personal attack like "get over yourself," but instead let me offer some heartfelt advice and suggest you keep laughing in response to my arguments. I don't know if it's the only thing you can do anymore, but I'm firmly convinced by now that it's the only thing you're capable of doing well.
posted by Law Talkin' Guy at 2:39 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

OC I know you had good intentions

No he didn't! He had the BEST intentions. Whether those are good or not, I will leave you all to decide.

But I love him!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:39 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

You're absolutely right, LTG. I cower under the majesty of your superior intellect. That's why I'm laughing at you. It has absolutely nothing to do with your borderline cartoonish predictability. Don't you have to flex in the mirror or something?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:42 PM on May 16, 2009

But don't you know that women's fear of sexual assault is entirely the fault of women's sexism and society's misandry! Not only that, they revel in it and are validated by expressing their fears of men, and don't even feel kinda weird about it!

IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION THAT FITS!
posted by klangklangston at 2:51 PM on May 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

Klang, you can grope me anytime.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:52 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Which, incidentally, is a good representation of your history of "arguing in circles" with me, which can really only be fairly described as arguing if the word "arguing" is redefined to include 1 or 2 line, throwaway, "oh snap!" lines.

nozzle.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:58 PM on May 16, 2009

Rejoinder? I just finished divorcing her!
posted by msalt at 4:19 PM on May 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

instead let me offer some heartfelt advice and suggest you keep laughing in response to my arguments. I don't know if it's the only thing you can do anymore, but I'm firmly convinced by now that it's the only thing you're capable of doing well.

I don't know how to tell you this, but he's not the only one laughing.
posted by languagehat at 4:32 PM on May 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

at the same time willfully blinding itself to examples of [sexism] directed at men

I'm afraid he's right.
The quote was I pretty much assume that every man is thinking he has some right to my body and will treat me accordingly. This applies to every man….

That is sexist and it is offensive. It should not slide by without remark.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:34 PM on May 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

A story per five fresh fish's request.

My mother had this huge elaborate box filled with all these weirdly-shaped plastic attachments along with little brushes and nail buffers. The attachments went with a little motorized device that would let you buff your nails at GREAT SPEED. As a little kid I used to get it out and use the weird little toothbrush-like attachment to clean dried flakes of paint from my plastic horse collection. I would strip the paint off the horses and repaint them about once a week, so the little brush came in handy to remove all the paint from them. No one ever saw me using the thing - I instinctively knew that such a neat toy, so carefully hidden under my parents' bed, was not approved for winnas.

One night, twenty years later, I was sitting in my kitchen when I realized what the weird motorized device with which I'd played those many years ago actually was.
posted by winna at 6:02 PM on May 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Ooh! ooh! I know -- a dremel?
posted by msalt at 6:09 PM on May 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Surely if it had brushes and nail buffers, it was part of a cheezy manicure set. Hell, I was such a crafty little geek that I bought one at a garage sale, because I couldn't afford a real dremel tool and I so wanted to cut and grind and sand things.

Of course the key difference between a cheezy manicure set and dremel tool is about a quarter horsepower. The battery-operated manicure motor was woefully underpowered for all but the safest of nail care.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:53 PM on May 16, 2009

>>"I pretty much assume that every man is thinking he has some right to my body and will treat me accordingly. This applies to every man except ones who have proven over and over that they will not treat me like shit. And sometimes I'm still kind of nervous to be alone with a guy I think I know pretty well."

FFF: > I'm afraid he's right. That is sexist and it is offensive. It should not slide by without remark.

Absolutely true, plus it's equally pathetic to the comments called out here. The big difference though, is that this woman owned her damage and made it clear it was her opinion based on personal experience. Osmanthus announced that "single moms = coldhearted vicious maneaters" is the reality that everyone needs to know about.
posted by msalt at 1:05 AM on May 17, 2009

Hey, I'm not calling for any equivalency between them.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:13 AM on May 17, 2009

Ooh! ooh! I know -- a dremel?

Router? I hardly know her!
posted by zippy at 2:10 AM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

FFF: Hey, I'm not calling for any equivalency between them.

No, I know, and I agree. Just trying to work out if there was a legitimate reason to cut Osmanthus' comment and not hers. (Maybe they did cut hers -- I didn't see where it came from.) That was the big difference that struck me anyway.

Fascinated and baffled by the dremel I just bought.
posted by msalt at 2:19 AM on May 17, 2009

I once took one of her humongous sanitary pads (it was the 70s; it was like an inch thick), stuck it to my forehead and ran around the house shrieking like a banshee and crashing my well-padded head into people and things.

Dude, you are awesome! In the good way.
posted by Mister_A at 5:43 PM on May 17, 2009

I once took one of her humongous sanitary pads (it was the 70s; it was like an inch thick), stuck it to my forehead and ran around the house shrieking like a banshee and crashing my well-padded head into people and things.

While working on my Master's degree I paid the bills by being a tech writer for a large AIDS organization that provided comprehensive services. So, we had the "propho closet" with dozens upon dozens of different varieties of responsible STD prevention devices. Tens of thousands of condoms, lubes, dams, works kits, etc. One group I had never seen before was flavored lube...not just one flavor, but probably 15 or 16 different flavors. One very, very groggy morning on the way into work, I stopped to get coffee and the gas station didn't have Irish Creme flavoring. At work, I proceeded to the propho closet, grabbed one vanilla lube and one mint lube, and went back to my desk. I snapped the covers, and in front of two astonished coworkers proceeded to pour each capsule into my coffee before stirring. I probably knew it wasn't a good idea and that "flavored lube" might as well be flavored with chemical ass, but I took a good hard pull on the cup and proceeded to spit coffee all over the table. I was 28 years old.
posted by mrmojoflying at 7:54 PM on May 17, 2009 [17 favorites]

THE GREATER GREEN PAS OF MOIST AND WARM WATER WILL COMMAND THE ONE WHO IS SUNNING AND STRONG WITH GREAT CROAK AND GREAT SONG AND COLOR OF HEALTH FEAR THE SHINING RIPTIDES AND BUBBLES MOST MINE I AM SECOND MAJOR MASTER OF THE LARGE WATER!
posted by The Whelk at 9:42 PM on May 18, 2009

Ack! Sorry guys, he can be aggro at times. So we totally won, thanks to all you wonderful MeFites across time and space, Continuity and Causality have been restored, with minor problems. One of which is sulking over my shoulder. That huge Frog God-King I mentioned? Well he invested a little too much in his little analog's world and now he's stuck here. He's pretty okay about it, but he's still kind of a dick. So if any of youse cool kids know what I can do with a huge frog with a pushy personality, let me know.
posted by The Whelk at 9:49 PM on May 18, 2009

Dear The Whelk:

in re: the drugs you are taking

WANT
posted by double block and bleed at 2:23 AM on May 19, 2009

Whelkome back!
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:27 AM on May 19, 2009

Aw, thanks DR. I really should be thanking you, watching you ride that neolithic sand worm over the New Iowa desert was a wonder to behold.

Everything seems to be fixed up. There are still some pockets of UnTime where all things are an everlasting Now, but we've decided to let them stand. Partially cause we're too tired to fix them and mostly to make the world a slightly stranger, more interesting place.

So the next time you see a bewildered man in a waistcoat and top hat wandering round the streets, don't sneer. He's not a fashion reject, he's confused chronoflotsam! Or a crazy person. It's hard to tell sometimes.
posted by The Whelk at 6:49 AM on May 19, 2009

So if any of youse cool kids know what I can do with a huge frog with a pushy personality, let me know.

Swap him out for Robo imo.
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:15 AM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

So if any of youse cool kids know what I can do with a huge frog with a pushy personality, let me know.

Is this the guy? Tell him he owes me money.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:18 AM on May 19, 2009

TLF: Dude may be small but he can control the basic forces with his mind. I'm not telling him nuthin' he doesn't wanna hear. I made fun of his hat and he nearly reversed my weak atomic forces.
posted by The Whelk at 11:45 AM on May 19, 2009

So if any of youse cool kids know what I can do with a huge frog with a pushy personality, let me know.

Freeze him.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:40 PM on May 19, 2009