I'm rarely a vindictive person, but if I find out someone's asking lulzy questions under the guise of being someone with a true problem, I'll ban them so hard they'll forget MetaFilter ever existed. posted by jessamyn at 3:41 PM on May 28, 2009 [75 favorites]
I see about one a week that I think can't possibly be real. posted by CunningLinguist at 3:47 PM on May 28, 2009
I also wonder how many are set-ups in order to eventually plug a product or service later in the AskMe thread. posted by ericb at 3:49 PM on May 28, 2009
I think it would be the height of loser-ness if someone was just making up fake questions for their own amusement.
More likely would be people gaming AskMe and then blogging or posting somewhere else about how they fooled everyone; kind of like the internet version of calling Larry King and going "Baba Booey" or whatever. But in that case, someone from here would undoubtably find it and then jessamyn would ban them so hard that they'd forget MetaFilter ever existed. posted by chococat at 3:50 PM on May 28, 2009
Is this thread a phony question posted for entertainment?
Was that? posted by Plutor at 3:55 PM on May 28, 2009
We are not amused posted by Cranberry at 3:55 PM on May 28, 2009
I am sometimes tempted to write a crazy relationship-filter question, but just the exercise of setting it up in my head is enough for my giggle needs. Besides, I have seen enough of the Metafilter Junior Detective episodes to know that the creepy real estate agent always gets his mask pulled off in the end.
But oh, for my meth-addicted cat fancier on-again, off-again boyfriend who has all these suspicious texts on his phone and yet wants me to throw a party for his demanding, unlikeable family because his sister is expecting a baby that I fear was sired by my half-brother who has trouble interacting with people because he is obsessed with bubble wrap!
How will I ever learn to build trust in our relationship again? Does he really like me even though he only refers to me by an opprobious epithet from another culture? Why does he call me only when he wants something? Is he just emotionally stunted? How can I make him love me?!
Tune in next week for As Metafilter Turns! posted by winna at 4:01 PM on May 28, 2009 [16 favorites]
MetaChatFilter?
You can't just post whatever crap you want here and append "with MetaFilter" like the old fortune cookie joke. I mean, sure, you can, but that's not what MetaTalk is for.
Can't you just find an open yet dead thread to go poop in? Isn't that the traditional outlet for the bored on MetaFilter?
Alternately, go to Askville or Yahoo Answers, where 100% of the questions are for the lulz. posted by GuyZero at 4:07 PM on May 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Wow, I read question in Jo Brands voice in my inner ear for some reason. But it seems apt. I would say... for some reason... the answer would be either my husband or 1 percent - which works out to be the same thing. posted by Elmore at 4:10 PM on May 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Are you guys touring with Tom Morello? posted by GuyZero at 4:30 PM on May 28, 2009
Would this percentage include or exclude the sixcolors era? posted by adipocere at 4:40 PM on May 28, 2009 [6 favorites]
I don't think that time was long enough to be an era, although I like the idea of calling the resultant hysteria Epoch Lulz. posted by boo_radley at 4:46 PM on May 28, 2009 [11 favorites]
Everyone knows that epochs end in -cene. JEEZ. posted by Plutor at 5:11 PM on May 28, 2009
I knew a kid who referred to people's mothers as "mee-may." I thought this was hilarious, and picked it up as a joke. Eventually, I started calling my own mom Memeous, since she did a lot of memetic innoculation. posted by solipsophistocracy at 5:14 PM on May 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
it's kind of bland to think of it just in terms of %.. any other thoughts?
People are crazy and stupid and incredibly ignorant sometimes (me included). Only one question struck me as "Oh come on" and I did a MetaTalk post about it, which Jessamyn commented on to say she knew the person (it was an anon question).
Otherwise, I've done* and see people do enough foolish stuff in real life, that the out there AskMe questions usually sound plausible.
* If you have long hair, be careful about leaning over lit candles. posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:15 PM on May 28, 2009
I use AskMe as a resource for maximizing my lulz, not providing them. posted by klangklangston at 5:21 PM on May 28, 2009
Three of my questions were phony. I'll let you figure out which ones. posted by eyeballkid at 5:26 PM on May 28, 2009
Even made up questions deserve an answer. So what it is now, we're going to assay first and then answer? Good ole' quonsar had it right when this question deal first started. posted by stirfry at 5:47 PM on May 28, 2009
Plutor: "Everyone knows that epochs end in -cene. JEEZ."
I'll ban them so hard they'll forget MetaFilter ever existed.
I should think you'd want to ban them so hard they'll have an imprint of the site on the inside of their eyeballs for the rest of their lives, but eh, to each their own. posted by davejay at 6:07 PM on May 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
If I may count my wedding-related questions as "entertainment" (and believe me, my reception was very entertaining), then 4/10 of my questions were asked for entertainment purposes. Anecdotes, your mileage may vary, etc.
Perhaps "for entertainment" should have been phrased differently? There's a fine line between "chatfilter" and "tell me your experiences with this," sometimes. posted by explosion at 6:14 PM on May 28, 2009
I think the Askme cops are in full effect. See weak but easily accessible (for my lazy self) example here. posted by snsranch at 6:19 PM on May 28, 2009
In this economy, you can't just post anything, on metafilter, in bed. posted by zinfandel at 6:27 PM on May 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
What percentage of the letters sent to Penthouse forum are determined to be fake? posted by killdevil at 6:33 PM on May 28, 2009
What percentage of the stories posted to FML are untruthful? posted by killdevil at 6:35 PM on May 28, 2009
I'm fairly confident it's a nonzero percentage. posted by box at 6:36 PM on May 28, 2009
What percentage of obese individuals are overweight? posted by killdevil at 6:38 PM on May 28, 2009
What percentage of Snickers bars contain an off-nominal number of peanuts? posted by killdevil at 6:42 PM on May 28, 2009
Okay, I'm done here posted by killdevil at 6:42 PM on May 28, 2009
Killdevil is done here, on metafilter
Killdevil is done here, in bed.
In this economy, killdevil is done here.
Okay. posted by zinfandel at 7:06 PM on May 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
What percentage of Popes are Catholic? posted by DU at 7:40 PM on May 28, 2009
Okay, you got me. All of my questions are fake. In fact, I don't even exist. I'm a fembot Mathowie programmed into the site to give the impression that there are people with boobs here. posted by orange swan at 7:40 PM on May 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
What percentage of Nintendo Power write-ins were strickley fr0 teh LULZ? What percentage of Dear Abby / Ask Ann Landers questions were make-believe? What percentage of talk show guests are only pretending to be serious about their problem? What percentage of...
And this guy famously does it in print (although with private companies, not on public forums).
Coming (very) soon: the crank who writes semi-realistic lulzfilter to AskMe/Yahoo/AskVille, collects earnest responses and publishes them. Hilarity ensues.
Full disclosure: I was only 81.3% serious when I asked this. posted by ostranenie at 7:57 PM on May 28, 2009
Oh, man; jessamyn is going to make you forget 18.7% of MetaFilter ever existed! posted by yhbc at 8:07 PM on May 28, 2009
what percentage of AskMeFi posts do you suppose are phony questions that are posed for entertainment?
I dunno. Let me ask my girlfriend's blind sister. posted by Stynxno at 8:19 PM on May 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
I'm missing our regular sixcolors pile-on. They were entertaining. posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:38 PM on May 28, 2009
That third-party shipping insurance question just REEKED of trolling for lulz. (Fortunately, it was so obvious a stunt that nobody took the bait.) posted by longsleeves at 8:39 PM on May 28, 2009
Most of the questions on Ask are really just ads for ski resorts. I thought that was common knowledge. posted by Item at 8:40 PM on May 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
I have no idea what you're taosing about, Item. posted by cortex at 8:47 PM on May 28, 2009
Would this percentage include or exclude the sixcolors era?
Did she get banned? What happened? posted by graventy at 9:21 PM on May 28, 2009
Yeah, sixcolors got banned. I was really sad, it ruined my evil plan to show up at a meetup claiming to be her. It would have been awesome. posted by little e at 9:37 PM on May 28, 2009 [4 favorites]
I know they can't all be real, but I always ssume most of them are. I still think this one was.
little e, that would have been awesome and I would've corroborated in a heartbeat. posted by juliplease at 10:00 PM on May 28, 2009
Heh, I shouldn't have said anything. Because upon further reflection, coming to a meetup post bannination would have been completely in character. posted by little e at 10:05 PM on May 28, 2009
Oh for fuck's sake with the sixcolors-as-meme. Flagged as fucking stop it please. posted by desuetude at 10:15 PM on May 28, 2009 [9 favorites]
I may be naive, but I actually think the vast majority are real. I think what does happen is that people change a detail of the story for whatever reason. Either they are embarrassed, trying to paint themselves in a better light or trying to protect their privacy and they fill in the hole with a new detail that really doesn't add up. Sometimes it really matters and other times it doesn't. But I don't think it's generally done for entertainment value. posted by whoaali at 10:59 PM on May 28, 2009
All of my questions are not phony. All my my answers are phony. Is that bad? So that equals zero percent. Such a lively MetaTalk subject. posted by snowjoe at 10:59 PM on May 28, 2009
I remember seeing the closed MetaTalk with the aforementioned banning. If you read down throughout the posts you can just see it coming. It was like:
"Oh, you should stop."
"Oohh, now's the time to tun off the computer."
"Yeeeeaaahhh, you shouldn't said that."
"Seriously, stop."
"Okay, that's that aaannd..."
"...there it is."
I looked at all the favorites that garnered and thought "Ehhh" *shrug*, people were waaayy to wrapped up in what she said. posted by P.o.B. at 11:18 PM on May 28, 2009
god, that user's like some kind of smoked salmon, onion & jalapeno wrap - always repeating on us. posted by UbuRoivas at 12:08 AM on May 29, 2009
Why won't rich people buy smoked salmon, onion & jalapeno wrap out of the trunk of my car? posted by flabdablet at 12:55 AM on May 29, 2009 [9 favorites]
Because smoked salmon, onion & jalapeno wrap is fucking disgusting, trunk or no trunk. posted by dersins at 1:08 AM on May 29, 2009
Also, if your inconsiderate friends leave crumbs of it on the coffee table at your parents' house, your dad will freak. posted by winna at 1:12 AM on May 29, 2009
That's only after friend used the wrap to crush some drugs for easy snortin'. posted by P.o.B. at 1:33 AM on May 29, 2009
Ann Landers had some classics like the letter purportedly from a young woman who had just married an undertaker and was concerned that her new husband wanted her to first lie in a bath of cold water and then lie perfectly motionless during sex. posted by caddis at 4:04 AM on May 29, 2009
I think the questions have fake details pretty often, one every couple of days or so.
Jessamyn, if a user asks a fake question, gets useful answers, and therefore contributes to the total knowledge base of the AskMe population, is it really harmful?
I still think that you should have a policy of zero-tolerance of fake questions, of course; anything else would invite insanity - but the fake questions that do get through certainly don't hurt anyone. No one is coerced to answer. There will always be a bit of screwing around with the system. posted by Super Hans at 4:09 AM on May 29, 2009
Dump The MetaFilter Already? posted by Kattullus at 4:37 AM on May 29, 2009
Jessamyn, if a user asks a fake question, gets useful answers, and therefore contributes to the total knowledge base of the AskMe population, is it really harmful?
Yes, as evidenced by the moderately frequent "make threads stay on the front page of askme longer" metatalk posts. posted by inigo2 at 5:41 AM on May 29, 2009
Ann Landers had some classics like the letter purportedly from a young woman who had just married an undertaker and was concerned that her new husband wanted her to first lie in a bath of cold water and then lie perfectly motionless during sex.
Why don't we get awesome questions like that? We provide better answers than Ann Landers or Dear Abby ever did. posted by orange swan at 6:09 AM on May 29, 2009
yeah, those guys would be no match for ColdChef on that, i'm sure. posted by UbuRoivas at 6:16 AM on May 29, 2009
We should have a 'believe this is phony' button as well as a 'favorite' button on AskMefi, then if they got too many phony labels Jessamyn could batter them, film the results and a lazy first time poster could put it on the front page as an SLYT. posted by biffa at 6:26 AM on May 29, 2009
I would never post a fake question, but I have been known to very occasionally post an intentionally lulzy answer, which I know will be deleted, not so much for my own entertainment but as a sort of sacrificial offering to the mods, a fatted calf of teh funny for them to kill, so to speak, in celebration of this magical community we both inhabit. posted by The Straightener at 6:28 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Me too, The Straightener. By the same token, I piss on the bathroom floor at work so the cleaning people have something to do. posted by electroboy at 6:53 AM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
You're right, electroboy, pissing on the floor is very funny, and makes for a perfectly apt comparison, here. posted by The Straightener at 6:57 AM on May 29, 2009
What a silly question. There is no way to know, unless you somehow find a way to track down and polygraph test every single person who has ever asked a question of askmefi.
Honestly, I think there's a streak (and lately a growing streak) of people who actively want to disbelieve, to disprove others experiences. It's weird. And I don't like it because it's very condescending. It's the internet, I get it, you need to be cautious, but you don't need to be so openly distrustful. They're AskMeFi questions for christ's sake, they're not asking for your bank account information. Answering a question that you later find out really is a fake (or one suspected to be a fake) does not reflect on your character (it doesn't mean you're gullible), but assuming a poster is lying does (and so does actually posting a fake question for that matter).
This post seems to be indicative of that attitude/perspective. That is all. posted by symbollocks at 7:00 AM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
Jessamyn, if a user asks a fake question, gets useful answers, and therefore contributes to the total knowledge base of the AskMe population, is it really harmful?
That's getting into philosophical conundrum territory, so to avoid the paralysis of trees falling in the forest I'll break it down into a few separate pragmatic issues that I have a position on:
1. If someone does a careful job of presenting a fake question, no one will likely ever know that they did it. I don't like the notion of people doing that, but I accept that we'll never be able to be sure it's not happening sometimes, and I don't want too spend much of my energy fretting about the untestable.
2. People should answer a question in good faith, period. That's what Ask Metafilter is for, that's what it does well: people asking and answering in good faith about stuff they need to figure out. When people here answer with a straight face and as well as they can and provide the context for their answer, the green is an amazing place.
3. This whole community, and askme in particular for a number of reasons, is premised on a grant of trust. We trust users to abide by the guidelines, to treat their fellow users and the community in general with trust and respect and whatever transparency they can manage. Posting fake questions to the green just for entertainment/lulz is an outright violation of that trust, and that is not a hard understanding to come by, and such violations are grounds for a prompt ban from the site and the community.
Those are all pretty simple things. Trying to do the algebra involved in balancing one against the other is non-trivial and we generally don't like having to find ourselves in the position of doing it.
But if you want a firm answer, it is, "no, I see where you're coming from I guess, but a violation of the community trust is not cool, so fuck that noise."
I would never post a fake question, but I have been known to very occasionally post an intentionally lulzy answer, which I know will be deleted, not so much for my own entertainment but as a sort of sacrificial offering to the mods, a fatted calf of teh funny for them to kill, so to speak, in celebration of this magical community we both inhabit.
You may be surprised to hear that that is not how we tend to view such comments, fwiw. Pissing on the floor may not be the most apt of metaphors, but it's in the right territory. Please consider not intentionally doing things that (a) you know break the guidelines and (b) you know will create work for us that wouldn't exist otherwise. posted by cortex at 7:03 AM on May 29, 2009
But I don't piss on the floor, man, I make curlicues and shit, my piss doodles are fucking art and the janitors here at the office know I make those piss doodles with love for them, man. posted by The Straightener at 7:07 AM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
man, if we could piss on the floors, i would COME!!! posted by UbuRoivas at 7:10 AM on May 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
2. People should answer a question in good faith, period.
...and thank you, that was my point in my previous comment--but more concisely put. posted by symbollocks at 7:11 AM on May 29, 2009
I looked at all the favorites that garnered and thought "Ehhh" *shrug*, people were waaayy to wrapped up in what she said.
At the risk of beating a dead horse I'll comment on the whole sixcolors thing. I only skimmed that thread because I was sick of sixcolors in general at that point, but I favorited the banning. I'm still not sure if sixcolors was purposely saying crazy stuff for lulz or if she was just really really bad at interacting with people, but the bottom line was that her presence on the site was disruptive. She posted new AskMes constantly, and many of those were so weird or offensive that they generated MetaTalk threads, and towards the end she had a tendency to jump into random MetaTalk threads and derail them into being about her.
By the time the banning actually happened, I think a lot of people (myself included) thought that the mods were giving her too much slack. Personally I felt that if she knew enough about what is disruptive to make comments like this one then she should have known better than to keep riling people up. The mods kept trying to talk her into fitting in more with the norms of the site, but it seemed pretty obvious that regardless of whether or not she was an actual troll, she never made any serious attempt to change her behavior. posted by burnmp3s at 7:14 AM on May 29, 2009
Sorry, I don't really piss on the floors in AskMe, I just posted that for my own entertainment.
You may be surprised to hear that that is not how we tend to view such comments, fwiw.
Ditto. Not trying to be a Flava Flav YEEEEAAAA BOYEEEEE about this, but there's a small subset of people who do this. It's sort of amusing when you see it once or twice, but as a constant stream of background deletable chatter it's a little tiring. And if it's people I know, it's one thing (and I do think I know The Straightener) but deleting a lulzy comment from someone I don't know and worrying it's going to turn into a bitchstorm of ventmail means that I'm always a little trepidatious about it. That's how it should be, generally, that we should think twice about deleting stuff, but it's easier to run this little puppet show when everyone's interacting sincerely. posted by jessamyn at 7:18 AM on May 29, 2009
That Dear Abby question gives a whole new meaning to the admonishment to chillax.
I actually believe that the percentage of lulzy questions asked for the purposes of entertainment is pretty low. People are stranger than you know. So are their circumstances. Just flip through News of the Weird sometime, random police blotters, etc. Those are actual people.
Now, pick some of those folks in those freaky clippings and ask yourself these three questions about each person:
1) Do they probably have an internet connection?
2) Can they type?
3) Do they have five bucks?
Yeah. So, some of those lulzy questions? Probably not so funny for the people in them. posted by adipocere at 7:24 AM on May 29, 2009
mea culpa: i occasionally got into the habit of posting lulzy comments in askmes, but usually only way down in the thread, and only in threads that had already been marked with a "solved" tick.
when i noticed that even these were being deleted, that was a good enough sign to stop. posted by UbuRoivas at 7:25 AM on May 29, 2009
Ugh. Always with the agreeing.
You guys should fight more.
I heard cortex say libraries are dinosaurs in a digital age.
I heard jessamyn say big donuts suck. posted by graventy at 7:26 AM on May 29, 2009
You're right, electroboy, pissing on the floor is very funny, and makes for a perfectly apt comparison, here.
How dare you take issue with my lulzy comment about your comment about lulzy comments. You just signed up for piss on your rug, The Straightener. posted by electroboy at 7:33 AM on May 29, 2009
Serious question: WARNING! WARNING! /blink
Once, in a question that I suspected of being fake, I noted that the poster had changed his age between posts (backwards obv, he claimed to be a teenager when it was more shocking in the second post). My comment was understandably deleted, but the trollish question remained unchallenged. I let it go because I had some important bagel-related activities to attend to, but in general if you suspect something like that, and yet the question isn't on its face wrong or stupid in anyway, what if any action would mod-persons suggest? I resolved at that time to stop trying to play private e-detective but on the other hand communities like this need to moderate themselves etc etc.
Second very serious not-entertaining question: If you put garlic cream cheese on a strawberry bagel, are you allowed into Jewish Heaven? I asked my rabbi but he said he was getting a headache and went to lie down. posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:37 AM on May 29, 2009
If you put garlic cream cheese on a strawberry bagel, are you allowed into Jewish Heaven?
If you eat a strawberry bagel, you're not getting into heaven. The garlic cream cheese is a red herring. posted by inigo2 at 7:44 AM on May 29, 2009 [6 favorites]
but in general if you suspect something like that, and yet the question isn't on its face wrong or stupid in anyway, what if any action would mod-persons suggest?
Sending us a note through the contact form is a great first step if you've got a "hrm, this doesn't seem right" sort of issue you want us to take a look at.
If there's something where it's like a rock-solid chain of evidence (note: anecdata + a funny feeling isn't quite the same thing) and you think there are broader community implications, going straight to metatalk can be okay, but it's usually a decent idea to hit us up first anyway in case it's something we're already aware of and working on behind the scenes at that moment.
For example, there's been a lot fewer "THIS GUY IS SPAMMING" metatalks in the last couple years than there were pre-pb, because our early-detection toolset is pretty robust now, and that's just fine since a "THIS GUY IS SP—oh you already banned him?" metatalk posts don't do much good.
Community policing is good and important, and as far as that goes we have no problem with the e-detective stuff in principle. If something feels weird, by all means, poke around a little or get your google on if you have the energy and interest in doing so.
It's more the taking-action part that needs care and consideration. Rash or speculative metatalk threads can be a problem. Starting up a discussion of the sincerity/truthfulness/bona fides of a question in the askme thread is almost universally a bad idea.
A cautious, documented metatalk is usually not a problem (but people sometimes have trouble pulling that off even with the best intentions). Email to us is basically foolproof and always a good idea if something is up. posted by cortex at 7:46 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Second very serious not-entertaining question:
He's just not that into you. posted by cortex at 7:46 AM on May 29, 2009
This shit is making me dizzy now, people, let's get sincere before I stumble off the irony teacups all puking and making more work for the carnies at the end of the night. posted by The Straightener at 7:47 AM on May 29, 2009
in general if you suspect something like that, and yet the question isn't on its face wrong or stupid in anyway, what if any action would mod-persons suggest?
Has anyone ever seen an everything bagel made on a wheat bagel? I've seen sesame wheat, but never sesame everything. I would like that. posted by SpiffyRob at 9:49 AM on May 29, 2009
quin: if you send me money, God will love you. posted by Meatbomb at 10:06 AM on May 29, 2009
There are 4 kinds of bagels:
1. Bagel
2. Poppy seed bagel
3. Sesame bagel
4. Shitty-ass new-jack gentrified fraudulent "I want to want to like bagels but I really don't, so I will eat something ghastly and bagel-shaped so people won't think I'm the sort of git who doesn't like bagels" bagels posted by Mister_A at 10:08 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Mister_A, you forgot egg, and salt.
God, I haven't had a decent bagel since I left Brookline, and Jaffe's Pick-a-Chick went out of business.
No, that's not true - I was in NYC more recently than that, and of course there are good bagels there. No good bagels in SF, though. posted by rtha at 10:14 AM on May 29, 2009
I love fancy bagels and I'm not afraid to say it:
MARRY ME FANCY BAGELS posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:26 AM on May 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
Onion is also an acceptable bagel thing. posted by Rock Steady at 10:28 AM on May 29, 2009
"Where are good places to eat in St. Louis -- ideally that specialize in steak, and ideally lesser-known?"
What about cinnamon bagels? Taste aside, are they a traditional variety. posted by Kattullus at 10:32 AM on May 29, 2009
I think the only rule about bagels is that if you're eating them anywhere except NYC you're legally required to complain that said bagel is not nearly as good as the bagels you're used to in NYC. posted by electroboy at 10:36 AM on May 29, 2009 [4 favorites]
Cinnamon bagel? I WILL SCRATCH YOUR FACE IF YOU SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN! posted by Mister_A at 11:14 AM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Everything bagels are the One True Bagel. posted by spec80 at 11:22 AM on May 29, 2009
PREPARE FOR BLASPHEMY
I like the bagels from the bagel place down the street from me (in the north suburbs of Chicago) much, much more than any bagel I ever had in New York, and I had LOTS of bagels in New York, most of which I thought were divine. posted by SpiffyRob at 11:26 AM on May 29, 2009
I do not know how this happened, but at some point in my youth, I came to believe that "lox" referred to a mixture of butter and honey. So that, if you went to a bagel store and asked for lox on a bagel, what you would get would be a bagel covered in this delicious, light, sweet concoction.
Then I learned, embarrassingly few years ago, just how crazy a Bagel-man looks at you when you order lox on a blueberry bagel. posted by Ms. Saint at 11:30 AM on May 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
They're AskMeFi questions for christ's sake, they're not asking for your bank account information. Answering a question that you later find out really is a fake (or one suspected to be a fake) does not reflect on your character (it doesn't mean you're gullible), but assuming a poster is lying does (and so does actually posting a fake question for that matter).
This post seems to be indicative of that attitude/perspective. That is all.
Definitely not the case, symbollocks. I'm just asking for discussion's sake.
(no beef with you)
but as long as I'm here
hooray for the generally rampant in-joke noise! what a frickin' waste of time. :)
here's a statistic: ~85% of the comments on metatalk suck donkey balls.
(thanks to the ~15% with actual responses, though).
stay tuned for something "clever" and "obscure" from the majority in response to this, naturally. it will be so "ironic" to respond to a post decrying it with an actual example of it-- just delightful. certainly most valid and praiseworthy indeed.
*thumbs up, high five
(.....although I guess that would worry me far less than if someone took a serious stance on the topic and kept the conversation going...yeah.)
[extra points for those who will actually do both simultaneously (which, now that I think of it, will be virtually all of them (begins to softly weep).)]
next OP: "What % of time on MetaFilter is Spent Being Torn About Whether to Just Let Crap Like THIS* Go? *(includes link to this comment)
(there.. that should round it out alright so I can sleep (for now)) posted by candyhammer at 11:32 AM on May 29, 2009
There's no such thing as a stupid question. posted by inigo2 at 11:36 AM on May 29, 2009
Okay, I'll answer seriously:
4.
There, are you happy now, you humorless judgmental simpleton? posted by Mister_A at 11:37 AM on May 29, 2009
All your bagels are nothing but week-old donuts. posted by Godbert at 11:38 AM on May 29, 2009
Wouldn't this be a great fucking thread if we all just answered your ridiculous question with a straight face instead of gently, jokingly, friendlily letting you know that this is not really something that you're likely to get a meaningful answer on beyond jessamyn's "banishingly small" statement? posted by Mister_A at 11:40 AM on May 29, 2009
wow.
so that's what happens when you post anti-snark snark.
maybe try to read it again?
christ on a swizzle. posted by candyhammer at 11:46 AM on May 29, 2009
Like ugly babies, the best MetaTalk threads are the ones that are never born.
That's right ugly babies - you're all ugly. TAUTOLOGICALLY. posted by GuyZero at 11:50 AM on May 29, 2009
and don't ever call someone a simpleton based on what limits you place on what implications you suppose they have considered on the topic. that makes you the simpleton, based on what you're saying.
(thus one might argue the humorless and judgemental shoes fit you in this case, too-- just saying) posted by candyhammer at 11:50 AM on May 29, 2009
That's right ugly babies - you're all ugly. TAUTOLOGICALLY.
Man, that's the worst kind! posted by electroboy at 11:58 AM on May 29, 2009
(there.. that should round it out alright so I can sleep (for now))
Sweet dreams. posted by box at 11:59 AM on May 29, 2009
Sweet dreams. & Yeah, you're new here, aren't you?
much of what I said was actually meant to lampoon the idea of being uptight;
...I guess I really was too uptight about doing so.
thanks to 100% of you for taking part, regardless. posted by candyhammer at 12:09 PM on May 29, 2009
A question to which the only true answer is "I don't know" will not engender much of a conversation. In MetaTalk threads, much like any other conversation, when people run out of things to say about a topic they'll move on to different things to talk about. posted by Kattullus at 12:17 PM on May 29, 2009
Candyhammer, in what sense was your question not fully answered with much seriousness by several important personages? What else were you expecting to happen here?
I'll take your answer off the air while enjoying an asiago cheese bagel with light veggie cream cheese. posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:32 PM on May 29, 2009
christ on a swizzle.
candyhammer, I can't really tell still whether you're trying to start a fight here or not. It sounds like not, so, cool. But your comments in the last hour or so come off pretty poorly—this was an odd and mostly-unanswerable metatalk post in the first place, which, fine, you're new here and you don't really know the territory too well, but it's probably a much better idea to roll with things genially than it is to start up (faux- or otherwise) antagonism as a coda to the post itself.
I'm not totally sure what you were hoping for from this post in the first place, but Metatalk is a pretty goes-where-it-will place as far as the in-thread conversation goes, especially after the ostensible business at hand is done away with. In this case, there wasn't really a whole lot of business to deal with. Staging a critical strike on the chatter that followed isn't something that even makes much sense, here, culturally, so it may be that you need to do some more reading and try to get a better sense of the site culture before you start mixing it up quite so visibly again. You're totally welcome here, but you're presenting yourself badly at the moment. posted by cortex at 12:37 PM on May 29, 2009 [3 favorites]
Is it time to talk about pie yet? posted by rtha at 12:39 PM on May 29, 2009
hooray for the generally rampant in-joke noise! what a frickin' waste of time. :)
here's a statistic: ~85% of the comments on metatalk suck donkey balls.
(thanks to the ~15% with actual responses, though).
Based on your last comment I'm not sure how much of this you meant seriously, but anyway:
MetaTalk is probably the most confusing aspect of MetaFilter to new people. We've talked about it before. MetaTalk has the least moderation of any of the subsites, so it tends to be a lot less focused and has a lot more noise. Although it's not a place for random chat, in a lot of ways it is the place where people can say things or have discussions that would get in the way if they happened in other parts of the site. It's a good place to ask questions about the site or bring up site-related issues, but in my opinion it's best not to take the things said in MetaTalk too seriously (other than responses from the mods). posted by burnmp3s at 12:39 PM on May 29, 2009
I like pie. Right now, it's strawberry and rhubarb season, so that would be a good kind of pie. And we're starting to see cherries, and that's another good kind of pie. posted by rtha at 12:41 PM on May 29, 2009
I would eat lox on a strawberry bagel. Or blueberry.
But I'd replace the cream cheese with brie and add fresh strawberries or blueberries.
More traditional forms of bagel are perfectly acceptable, especially onion and everything.
But brie and smoked salmon is so good I think it gives my face multiple orgasms. Forget cream cheese. That stuff has all the personality of Woody Allen's corpse. Cream cheese has nothing on brie. Hell, I'd buy and eat brie-salmon bagels and out of a trunk. posted by loquacious at 12:45 PM on May 29, 2009
stay tuned for something "clever" and "obscure" from the majority in response to this, naturally. it will be so "ironic" to respond to a post decrying it with an actual example of it-- just delightful. certainly most valid and praiseworthy indeed.
*thumbs up, high five
Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast. It jumped up a notch. posted by Rock Steady at 12:50 PM on May 29, 2009
Has anyone ever seen an everything bagel made on a wheat bagel?
Had one eight days ago at Mister Bagel on Forest Ave in Portland, Maine. They call it a super bagel, but they definitely had regular and whole wheat. posted by lampoil at 12:59 PM on May 29, 2009
I think Ithaca Bakery (in Ithaca, NY) might do an everything on wheat. posted by box at 1:10 PM on May 29, 2009
Green Chilli Bagel with real Hatch, NM green chili, and Sun Dried Tomato Bagel with Strawberry Cream Cheese are the tops. (ex-NM bagel maker, free food!) posted by zengargoyle at 1:20 PM on May 29, 2009
Now I want an everything (more accurately Everything Savory) bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon. Fortunately, Mr. Bagel is nearby. Waves at Lampoil - next time, call a meetup. Bagel meetup would be excellent. posted by theora55 at 1:21 PM on May 29, 2009
We used the seasonal rhubarb to make sugar syrup for various gin-based cocktails. Much better than pie, in my opinion. Also, the leftover rhubarb/ginger mush makes an excellent compote to be served on cream cheese on a plain (or blueberry, I suppose) bagel. posted by crush-onastick at 1:35 PM on May 29, 2009
Holy crap, rhubarb flavored cocktails? Make with the recipes, crush-onastick. posted by electroboy at 1:38 PM on May 29, 2009
I like Bagonutions. That's an onion ring, inside a donut, inside a bagel. Goes well with Turducken. posted by qvantamon at 1:39 PM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Green Chilli Bagel with real Hatch, NM green chili, and Sun Dried Tomato Bagel with Strawberry Cream Cheese are the tops.
Those bagel-shaped bread products sound pretty tasty. What they do not sound like, however, are bagels. posted by dersins at 1:47 PM on May 29, 2009
I've been maintaining a low-grade grumble about this issue since the Yahoo Answers FPP the other day, where somebody called fake and then the whole of Metafilter turned as one to score "I call fake too" points.
Maybe it's fake. Maybe it's not. How has it hurt you either way? What do you gain by shitting on something because something on the internet might not be exactly as represented in a brief text writeup? And are you potentially hurting someone who's in a really screwed-up situation if you do? posted by darksasami at 1:52 PM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
The other day, I ordered something called the 'Ring of Fire' bagel.
I was picturing, like, cream cheese with three kinds of peppers (jalapeno, habanero and poblano, maybe) mixed into it, but instead it was just cream cheese and powdered cayenne. Man, what a letdown. posted by box at 1:55 PM on May 29, 2009
I'm so confused and now I want a bagel.
(Everything, with butter, thin-cut and toasted) posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on May 29, 2009
Those bagel-shaped bread products sound pretty tasty. What they do not sound like, however, are bagels.
Pops, you better lighten up before your arteries harden. TETSUOOOO.
I want strawberry rhubarb pie. posted by loquacious at 2:01 PM on May 29, 2009
since the Yahoo Answers FPP the other day
Point of clarification, here: it's not against the guidelines to chatter about hoaxing and credulity in a thread on the blue. That doesn't fly on the green, where we expect people to stay on-topic and go elsewhere (generally, Metatalk) for their metacommentary, but on Metafilter proper pretty much whatever folks want to talk about is what they talk about.
Which is not to say that it does or doesn't make for good conversation or is or isn't gauche or whatever. Just being clear on differences in subsite culture and guidelines, since that seems to be an issue that's come up already. posted by cortex at 2:08 PM on May 29, 2009
Hey electroboy--
At a Seattle restaurant called Poppy last week, I had one of their house drinks called a Six Twenty-Two. Made with Old Overholt rye, Amaro Nonino, rhubarb and Angostura bitters. It was fucking amazing. Fee Brothers sells a rhubarb bitters, but I wouldn't be surprised if these guys made their own either. posted by Skot at 2:09 PM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Now that song is in all of your heads and there ain't a lot you can do about it. posted by quin at 2:16 PM on May 29, 2009
Sorry, quin, it only lasted about 20 seconds before Jonathan Coulton's "Shop-Vac", fortified by the momentum of 36 consecutive hours of ohrwurming, recovered and took back over.
It was a hell of an awesome mental crash when it hit, though. posted by darksasami at 2:23 PM on May 29, 2009
When I made strawberry-rhubarb pie the other week (not just strawberry-rhubarb pie, but strawberry-rhubarb cobbler with local rhubarb and almond-brown sugar struesel!) I noticed the water I blanched the rhubarb in turned delightfully pink and fragrant.
I must try this rhubarb syrup cocktail you speak of, crush-onastick. If you posted recipes, candyhammer might be happy that her question proved "fruitful" after all!!!! (oh ho ho ho rhubarb is a vegetable) posted by Juliet Banana at 2:26 PM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
What do you gain by shitting on something because something on the internet might not be exactly as represented in a brief text writeup?
The truth? Seriously, some of the debunkings in the blue have been more interesting than the posts that spawned them, like tkchrist's analysis of why the office freak-out viral was fake and the blogger's analysis of why the guy who claimed stockart.com ripped him off was lying.
And it is important to think about whether someone is lying or presenting fiction as non-fiction, because everyone's view of the world is shaped by what they see, hear and read about it, even things that don't seem important. If you don't have a filter of some kind to help you decide what's true versus what's exaggerated or completely misrepresented, you can easily end up with a very warped conception of how the world really works. I agree with cortex that the question of validity has no place in AskMe questions, but in general when you read something that doesn't seem quite right, "Is this fake?" is a very useful and important question to ask. posted by burnmp3s at 2:33 PM on May 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Okay: ginger-rhubarb syrup: chop four cups of rhubarb, slice about an inch of ginger root (don't bother peeling). Put both in a pot with 1 cup sugar and 1 cup water. Bring to a boil. Stir. Turn down the heat. Simmer 20-ish minutes. Remove from heat. Strain through cheese cloth. Store the syrup in the fridge. Let it cool before you make cocktails, you heathen.
Put the fruit mush into a container and store in the fridge, serve in place of jam. Or coat your pork loin with it and roast. Or spoon it over your salmon fillet and roast.
Cocktails. Well, we made them up, mostly. One was .5 oz dry vermouth + .5 oz syrup + 2 oz gin. Shake with cracked ice, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with an orange twist or a strawberry. We also tried 1.5 oz bourbon, with 1 oz syrup, .5 oz fresh squeezed lemon juice.
I don't do rum, but I imagine a splash in a mojito would be nice for people who like that sort of thing. We wanted to try something with the Galliano or with sparkling wine, but we got distracted. posted by crush-onastick at 2:46 PM on May 29, 2009 [36 favorites]
I just favorited crush-onastick's comment. If I could, I would favorite it again. And maybe once more after that, for good measure. Measure being a dram, and maybe a dash more for posterity. God I need a drink now. posted by slogger at 2:54 PM on May 29, 2009
Has anyone ever seen an everything bagel made on a wheat bagel?
NYCfilter: Murray's Bagels on 6th avenue and 13th street has these. OM NOM NOM.
And quin, Warrant doesn't stand a chance against the unironic Motley Crue with which I am currently tormenting my smug gitfaced hipster neighbors. posted by elizardbits at 5:08 PM on May 29, 2009
Crush-onastick, I think you just became my favoritest person in the entire world. posted by shiu mai baby at 6:23 PM on May 29, 2009
I love reading the "generally rampant in-joke noise" on MeTa threads, but crush-onastick's recipe(s) make me appreciate MeTa's randomness all the more. It's like stumbling on something orange swan made, only you can spoon it over meat and roast it!
I don't eat meat, but still. posted by headnsouth at 7:13 PM on May 29, 2009
headnsouth: i suppose you could spoon it over tofu and roast it, but I don't know why you would. Better yet, spoon it over goat cheese, wrap it all up in an aluminum foil pouch and then roast it. Serve with pepper crackers!
And anyone in Chicago is welcome to a cocktail. posted by crush-onastick at 7:40 PM on May 29, 2009
Oh man I was just gifted a whole bunch of rhubarb that seemed like more of a curse than a blessing. Now I can turn that all around. Hooray! posted by jessamyn at 8:01 PM on May 29, 2009
The syrup is a glorious, alarming vibrant red color. It's festive! posted by crush-onastick at 8:41 PM on May 29, 2009
Rhubarb is never a curse... I can eat raw rhubarb all day long... YUM! posted by Kattullus at 10:23 PM on May 29, 2009
crush-onastick, that is beautiful, and there is no way in hell I'm civilized enough to let it cool before I make a drink. posted by little e at 10:59 PM on May 29, 2009
Also, rhubarb-strawberry pie is divine. My daddy makes the best, but he doesn't make it in large enough quantities to share, sadly. posted by winna at 11:12 PM on May 29, 2009
Rhubarb is never a curse... I can eat raw rhubarb all day long... YUM!
I've got the latter half of a home-made rhubarb and ginger crumble sitting in my refrigerator right now. There isn't much that complements rhubarb as well as some preserved stem ginger, I can tell you. posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:22 AM on May 30, 2009
I haven't seen a real bagel in NYC in about twenty years. They have those big as your head fluffy round things that pose as bagels at H&H, but the ones that used to almost break your teeth because they were so chewy? Gone.
You can barely tell that they're made out of boiled dough anymore. Might as well just eat one of those ubiquitous deli rolls.
Now, talk to me about Bialys and I'm jumping up and down that Kossars on Grand street is still there,and for me, just a short walk away. posted by newpotato at 4:58 AM on May 30, 2009
I destroyed the enamel on my teeth by constantantly eating raw rhubarb as a child. Post-dental intervention, I had these strange white bands of super enamel that every dentist I go to asks me about. posted by mrmojoflying at 5:01 AM on May 30, 2009
"Don't eat the leaves, the lethal dose is eleven pounds."
Holy crap I was always raised with the belief that any rhubarb leaf was poison.
Now I must reshape my strategy for world conquest. posted by Iron Rat at 11:44 AM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Finagle a Bagel has some pretty tasty sandwiches, but I will admit, I am not a bagel connoisseur.
I am, however, a sandwich afficionado. posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:23 PM on May 30, 2009
Heh. Saw the specter of sixcolors brought into the thread halfway down, thought to myself, "It's all down from here," then read further to see the thread turn into a discussion of bagels and pie. MmmmmmmetaFilter. posted by limeonaire at 4:20 PM on May 30, 2009
Anyway, the secret to asking whatever you want on AskMe is to start the question with "I am writing a book about..." posted by Mister_A at 6:06 PM on May 30, 2009
Salt is the true bagel. Ow ow it is salty. Mmmm, the cream cheese soothes me. Over and over. posted by dame at 6:47 PM on May 30, 2009
Salt is the true bagel. Ow ow it is salty. Mmmm, the cream cheese soothes me. Over and over.
Salt bagel plus tuna is the best thing ever. So freaking delicious. posted by inigo2 at 7:17 AM on May 31, 2009
I just made a batch of crush onastick's rhubarb syrup, and it is a thing of beauty. After properly cooling, I made the gin concoction, and it is dee-lish-iss. posted by slogger at 7:03 PM on May 31, 2009
93. Sew a pair of lederhosen. Inform the world that you purchased them. Either way, they are art!!
Eat the lobster on a bagel. This is also art. posted by little e at 8:58 PM on June 2, 2009
94. Meet a dozen other verbose surrealists at the neighborhood park for a game of touch football. Play Lederhosen vs. Skins. Use the lobster as the football. posted by little e at 9:02 PM on June 2, 2009
95. Okay: lobster-lederhosen syrup: chop two pairs of lederhosen, stain slightly about a square inch with ginger fluid (don't bother smelling). Put both in a pot with 1 cup of Cuisinart and 1 cup lobster. Bring to a boil. Stir. Turn down the heat. Simmer 20-ish minutes. Remove from heat. Strain through fleece cloth. Store the syrup in the fridge. Let it cool before you make cocktails, you heresiarch.
Put the yummy mush into a container and store in the fridge, serve in place of jam. Or coat your loin with it and toast. Or spoon it over your grandma's billet and roast.
Cocktails. Well, we made them up, mostly. One was .5 oz dry isopropyl + .5 oz syrup + 2 oz quartz. Shake with cracked bison, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with an orange fist or a matador. We also tried 1.5 oz aristocrat's tears, with 1 oz syrup, .5 oz fresh squashed squash squash.
I don't do sills, but I imagine a crash in a papito would be nice for people who like that sort of thing. We wanted to try something with the Umberto Eco or with sparkling sine, but we got distracted. posted by Kattullus at 9:22 PM on June 2, 2009 [3 favorites]
96. I just made a batch of Kattullus's lobster-lederhosen syrup, and it is a thing of mortality. After properly thrashing, I made the isopropyl concoction, and it is qui-ess-ent. posted by little e at 9:40 PM on June 2, 2009
97. Don't put the lobster in your mouth! You don't know where that thing's been! posted by little e at 9:48 PM on June 2, 2009
98. Don't put the lederhosen in your mouth either. You DO know where they've been. posted by little e at 9:53 PM on June 2, 2009
99. Put all your money in lederhosen futures. If the lederhosen futures market crashes, beg on the streets, alerting passersby to the fact that you cannot afford a simple lobster for a mid-morning snack. posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:12 AM on June 3, 2009
99. Ask a lobster for its opinions on constitutional reform in the various states in the British Isles. After it has said its piece ask it to repeat what it just said, but this time wearing the lederhosen you have in your backpocket. Apologize slightly for the stain. posted by Kattullus at 6:14 AM on June 3, 2009
101. Put the lederhosen on your head in shame for not having previewed. Beg the lobster not to leave you. posted by Kattullus at 6:15 AM on June 3, 2009
102. Don't break up with the lederhosen. Sure, they're slightly stained and getting cracks but you know that no matter how sweetly the lobster coos its sweet nothings, it'll leave you as soon as it fixes its swivelly eyes on someone new. posted by Kattullus at 5:26 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
103. The lobster is a crustacean but the slightly stained lederhosen are merely crusty. If you mix this up we'll have to feed you to Methuselah and Methuselah he eats slowly. He's old, you see. Like, the oldest guy ever. Though he's dead by now so technically someone currently alive may be the future oldest guy ever. So yeah... no crusty crustacean mix ups! posted by Kattullus at 6:18 PM on June 4, 2009
104. Lederhosen, boiled and dipped in butter are a local delicacy on planet Zycron. Lobsters are not, as you might think, worn as pants, but rather are the dominant species. Elaborate claw-bracelets and gloves are status symbols, as are antennae rings. Pants are considered obscene. posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:26 PM on June 4, 2009
105. Make the lobster a grilled cheese sandwich. Yeah, you know what I mean. posted by little e at 9:54 PM on June 4, 2009
106. Do you remember the lobster at the dawn? Yes, I am wearing lederhosen, do you think you could manage standing up for what you believe in lesser pants, even if they were unstained? posted by Kattullus at 6:48 AM on June 5, 2009
107. The lobster shoots the slightly stained lederhosen. The mad lobster praises the slightly stained lederhosen. The maker of lobsters plays with the slightly stained lederhosen. The lobster adores the slightly stained lederhosen. The lobster fails to resuscitate the slightly stained lederhosen. posted by Kattullus at 6:51 AM on June 5, 2009
108. The lobster wandered down to the sea and looked over the strait to the other shore. In the morning it would be on a ship with hundreds of others getting ready to invade. The slightly stained lederhosen could not be ready for the onslaught that was planned, they did not have the mental parameters to process war on this scale. Hell, they never even washed. The terror would be immense, the horror total. The lobster lit a Gitane cigarette, had a puff but then threw the cigarette into the briny water. A duck swam closer and touched the soggy, tobacco-filled tube with its bill but then swam away. The lobster turned around and walked inland. posted by Kattullus at 7:01 AM on June 5, 2009
109. To avoid recognition, the archangel had taken the shape of a great crab, as big as a vicuna. He was standing on the jagged point of a reef. posted by UbuRoivas at 7:08 AM on June 5, 2009
110. These lederhosen have a stain in the shape of a lobster on it which makes them intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by themselves, but once you try them on, that's when the magic will happen. posted by Kattullus at 7:36 AM on June 5, 2009
112. The lobster is there for you when things get rough, such as when your lederhosen are stained. Even if the stain is only slight the lobster is there for you. Yet you can't find it in your heart to consider the lobster your friend. What does that say about you? posted by Kattullus at 10:34 PM on June 6, 2009
113. The lobster that can be told
is not the eternal lobster.
The lederhosen that can be named
are not the eternal lederhosen. posted by UbuRoivas at 10:44 PM on June 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
115. There was once a colony of turtles, and among the turtles there also lived a lobster.
One day a pair of lederhosen washed up on the shore near the lobster. All the turtles remarked how lucky the lobster was to have received such lederhosen. "Maybe," said the lobster.
Upon closer examination, it was revealed that the lederhosen were lightly soiled. All the turtles said how unfortunate it was that the lobster's lederhosen were lightly soiled. "Maybe," said the lobster.
Then one of the oldest, wisest turtles spoke up and said, "look, you idiots, we live right here by the water, so the lederhosen can easily be washed." All the other turtles mentioned how lucky the lobster was that he could easily wash his lightly soiled lederhosen. "Maybe," said the lobster.
But a passing heron, who had been listening to the conversation, observed that they had no soap among them, and if the lederhosen could be cleaned by water alone it would already have been cleaned, since they came out of the water. All the turtles opined how unlucky the lobster was that he would be unable to clean the lederhosen. "Maybe," said the lobster.
Then there was a long pause in the conversation. Finally a young turtle spoke to the lobster, trying to make conversation. "What did you do before you came to live with us? Where is your family?" asked the turtle. "Maybe," said the lobster. posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:17 AM on June 8, 2009 [4 favorites]
116. You are at a party. His ear lobe fell in the deep. Someone reached in and grabbed it. It was a rock lobster. You are at the beach. Everybody had lightly stained lederhosen. Somebody went under a dock and there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster. posted by Kattullus at 6:07 PM on June 8, 2009
117. I love the lightly soiled lederhosen I love the lobster
L O B S T E R
I LOVE THE LEDERHOSEN
AND THE LIGHTLY STAIN IS DELIGHTLY
l o b s t e r
i love the slightly soiled lobster I love the lederhosen posted by Kattullus at 7:34 PM on June 8, 2009 [1 favorite]
119. lOBSTERlOBSTERlOBSTERlOBSTERlOBSTERlOBSTERliGHTlYSTAiNEDlEDERHOSEN posted by Kattullus at 7:40 PM on June 8, 2009
120. Forward the lobster always the lightly stained lederhosen glorious downtrodden bayonet the garroting enemy victory! posted by Kattullus at 7:42 PM on June 8, 2009
121. The lobster is responsible for lightly staining your precious lederhosen. Throw it to the howling fantods. posted by Kattullus at 7:06 AM on June 9, 2009
122. Lobster me this, lobster me that, who's afraid of a pair of lightly stained lederhosen? Find lobstever it is and throw the hosen in his face. posted by Kattullus at 7:17 AM on June 9, 2009
123. There is a lobster that never goes out. And if a lightly stained pair of lederhosen crash in to us like a Higgs Boson, to prove the standard model of particle physics is such a heavenly way to win a Nobel Prize. posted by Kattullus at 7:20 AM on June 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
124. Promise the lobster to a small child as a reward for memorizing and reciting the Treaty of Westphalia, but once the child has done so, give him only a pair of lightly soiled lederhosen instead. If the child cries, place the lobster on the passenger seat of a Corvette Stingray. The irony of a lobster riding a "Stingray" will surely ameliorate the child's disappointment. (Take care not to put the lobster in the driver's seat, for lobsters are notoriously skilled and audacious car thieves.) posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:46 PM on June 9, 2009
125. A lobster unto the lederhosen said: "This stain, it lies to lightly upon you, you must consider your bestainment and repent more fully." posted by Kattullus at 9:33 AM on June 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
126. Feed the lobster tons and grow it to monstrous size. Develop a bond with the monster lobster, train it using rewards to let you ride on its back. Call the monster lobster "Frank". Await the month of Oktober. When Oktober arrives, arrive at Oktoberfest atop Frank, steering it with its antennae. This is assuming that you have trained the antenna-steering and that you are still wearing the lederhosen, which by now should be lightly soiled. Amaze and scare all onlookers. Occasionally shout "behold Frank, King of Lobsters"! One mustn't overdo this sort of thing. posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:34 AM on June 10, 2009
127. Sew orange fur onto the lederhosen, effectively making them Leeuwenhosen. Go to the World Cup. Watch the game in your underwear. Consider the lobster. posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:42 AM on June 10, 2009
128. Reduce airspeed to one hundred and twenty knots. Run the tap. Mount the microphone on the stand. Extend flaps to twenty degrees. Rinse the toothbrush, then put a little toothpaste on it. It's often easier just twisting the boom on the stand than having to twist the microphone around. Turn towards the runway. Not too much, you'll taste it all day. Secure the shock mount if applicable. Maintain a vertical speed of around 800 feet per minute. Start with the front teeth. Spend about 30 seconds on them, top and bottom. Connect a microphone cable from the mic to your mixer or interface. Keep an eye on the ILS indicators, or else just check the VASI lights. Then move on to the molars. This should take about a minute, top and bottom. Make sure the correct track is record enabled on your recorder or computer. Make sure you are on the correct glide slope and properly lined up with the runway. You've turned off the tap, haven't you? If it's a tape recorder, make sure a reel is loaded and properly spooled. If you are in any doubt whatsoever, go around now. Now repeat the procedure on the inside. Seat the player on a short stool or a non-creaky chair. Reduce airspeed to one hundred and four knots. Don't rush the inside part. Position the mic about six inches away from the guitar, pointing at the twelfth fret. Extend flaps fully and again make sure you are properly lined up with the runway centre line. Exercise the gums a bit but don't hurt them to the point of bleeding. Rid the player's clothing of anything that can make unwanted noises. When you cross the runway threshold, reduce engine power to idle and pull the nose up slightly above the horizon. Turn the tap back on and thoroughly rinse the toothbrush until it is clear of any residual toothpaste. This includes keys, belt buckles, buttons, rivets, bracelets etc. Brake and come to a full stop. Rinse your mouth with lukewarm water and dry your hands. Press record.
129. Take a poor-quality picture of the lobster and the lederhosen. Present them as evidence that a foreign nation has Watchwords of Mass Instruction, and use them as a pretense for an aggressive and violent campaign of couture and cuisine against the hostiles. posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:11 PM on June 10, 2009
130. Ia! Ia! Dadachum! Didachik! Abplanalp and Rebozo in short leathern pants! posted by Rock Steady at 12:05 PM on June 11, 2009
131. Line the lobster cage with the lightly stained lederhosen. The pitter patter of tiny lobster feet will work the stain out. posted by Kattullus at 1:05 PM on June 11, 2009
132. Serenade the lobster, only the choicest words and finest tunes can crack the hard shell to get to the heart and succulent meat. Do not pay attention to musical juices, even if they lightly stain your lederhosen. posted by Kattullus at 5:59 AM on June 12, 2009
133. Put the lobster up for sale. When no one wants to buy the ugly brute wipe the lobsters tears on your lederhosen, lightly staining them in the process. Ponder the Nietzschean and Singerian implications of this. posted by Kattullus at 7:46 AM on June 13, 2009
There are certain people among us, contributing to this very list, who have proven themselves most unsurreal. Fifth columnists. Does a surrealist ask for a causal link between the silly random objects of our whimsical play? No, friends, he does not. Does a surrealist try to construct a narrative, in which there is some sensible reason why the lobster and the lederhosen are there together, or how and why the lederhosen have come to be slightly soiled? No, of course not my friends, and as I am sure many of you are now becoming aware these are purely rhetorical questions intended to bolster pathos.
And now you are no doubt asking yourselves, "Who could it be? Who has put on a surrealist mask with the intention to decieve us, and to pervert and undermine our project?"
I will tell you, friends.
THAT ONE, OVER THERE is not one of us! Burn the outsider! posted by Meatbomb at 12:36 PM on June 13, 2009
135. To every thing there is a lobster, and a time to every purpose under lederhosen:
A time to freeze the lobster, and a time to boil the lederhosen;
A time to make an origami lobster from the lederhosen, and a time to make origami lederhosen from the lobster;
A time to beseech the lobster for good weather, and a time to beseech the lederhosen for good comet-viewing conditions;
A time to use the lederhosen for illumination, and a time to use the lobster for sound recording;
A time to chew the lobster well, and a time to swallow the lederhosen whole;
A time to lose a game of chess against a lobster, and a time to beat the lederhosen in an ostrich race;
A time to obscure the lederhosen, and a time to focus the lobster;
A time to blame the lobster for a tragic macramé accident, and a time to praise the lederhosen for a brilliant abstract sculpture;
A time to ignore the lobster, and a time to consider the lederhosen;
A time to hide the lederhosen inside a cellular phone, and a time to reveal the lobster behind a portrait of Marlene Dietrich;
A time to steal the lobster, and a time to donate the lederhosen;
A time to contemplate the illusion of the lederhosen, and a time to contemplate that only the lobster exists;
A time to suffocate the lederhosen, and a time to resuscitate the lobster;
A time to clean the lederhosen, and a time to lightly soil the lobster. posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:50 PM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
136. The lobster is very sleepy. Don't make the lobster log anything else out of the narc vault or check more IVs. Let the lobster skip out of work early and go on home. Feed the lobster a bedtime snack. Tuck the lobster gently into its bed, sing it a lullaby, kiss it on the forehead, turn off the light, so that the lobster can sleep. Beautiful beautiful delicious sleep. posted by little e at 3:22 AM on June 15, 2009
137. The lobster must be punished for its sins. Your fist is the instrument of God, and you must feel no guilt as you pummel it in righteous anger. Ignore its pleas, it is only trying to manipulate you and turn you from the path of justice. Hide the carcass in a pair of lightly soiled lederhosen, all glory to God. posted by Meatbomb at 3:56 AM on June 15, 2009
138. There is but one lederhosen, know this. It is only your perfidious mind that convinces you that one pair is different from the other, that the one you're holding is lightly stained. A lobster is nowhere near you, no matter how clearly you think you see one. Lobsters are mythical creatures, like hippogriffs, manticores and the British royal family. posted by Kattullus at 6:56 AM on June 15, 2009
139. Here lobster lobster! Hit it right here! To me, in the lightly stained lederhosen. posted by Kattullus at 9:31 AM on June 16, 2009
141. Do not play kickball with the lobster because it insists on playing by every rule in the baseball rulebook even though they don't apply, such as disqualifying players whose lederhosen are lightly stained. posted by Kattullus at 9:36 AM on June 16, 2009
140. Pay attention to the lobster's wiles or else it will trick you into thinking your one further than you really are making you feel like your giving a speech to a papal curia in lederhosen that are lightly stained. posted by Kattullus at 9:38 AM on June 16, 2009
142. One to stain the lederhosen, one to hold the lobster and the other to fill the bath with brightly coloured machine tools. posted by flabdablet at 12:20 AM on June 17, 2009
143.
Him: I don't get it.
Me: There's nothing to get, it is surrealism for fuck sakes.
Him: OK, but why the lobster? Why not a radio, or a goat, or a plate of spaghetti?
Me: There's no reason, and all of those would be OK too. Well, maybe not the radio. It just needs to be something fanciful, something that when juxtaposed with something else is jarring, out of place. It needs to make you go "WTF", that's what surrealism is all about.
Him: And I guess the story is the same with the lederhosen?
Me: Yeah, and it is the two of them together that make it work. See, if it was a lobster and a boat, or a lobster and a seaweed forest, or a lobster and an aquarium that wouldn't be surreal. Those things go together in a natural way.
Him: And what, you need me to tell a little story about these two things?
Me: Just paint a little scene, it doesn't need to be much. Just help create some little scenario in which these two things are in some place, together.
Him: And this is going to be the 143rd little scene?
Me: Yes, more or less.
Him: And you'll give me full credit?
Me: Well, um... I was hoping you would let me present it more as my own thing... it's just this small group of us working on this you see, kind of a team...
Him: OK. Here goes. There is this room, and on the table there is a pair of lightly soiled lederhosen...
Me: Great, yeah, just a sec while I write this down...
Him: and... umm... OK, into the room walks this lobster, he is human sized, and walking upright. And he sees the lederhosen, and then yells "Where is my lawyer? I did NOT ask for this, I was told I would be dressed in a mumu! How's that?
Me: I guess they can't all be golden, that will have to do. posted by Meatbomb at 5:36 AM on June 17, 2009
144. Assuming the stain is more or less centered in the lederhosen, recruit two comrades to hold the lederhosen on each end, and then place the lobster on the stain. Pull back, and slingshot the lobster as far as possible. It will not be far. Consider this disappointment a lesson learned. posted by SpiffyRob at 7:20 AM on June 17, 2009
145. The lobster slinks onto the stage like a cat wearing lightly stained lederhosen and curls up on the throne like Charlemagne returning home after acquiescing to the inevitable failure of his dreamt-of canal. Be the lobster! B! E! The lobster! posted by Kattullus at 2:00 PM on June 17, 2009
146. "What are you doing with your life?" says the lobster. You have no answer. "I just want to have fun, I guess." Just uttering these words makes you feel even more depressed than you already are. There is but one recourse available to you, pick the lederhosen off the floor – don't touch the light stain, mind you – and put them on over your suitpants. posted by Kattullus at 7:18 AM on June 18, 2009
147. Do not, whatever you do, accept that drink from the lobster because he will constantly refill your glass, causing you to wake up the next morning with a ten ton hangover, which will not be alleviated when you discover that your favorite pair of lederhosen now permanently lightly stained. posted by Kattullus at 7:19 PM on June 21, 2009
148. Leave the lobster alone in its grief! Who among us wouldn't shed tears over lightly stained lederhosen? posted by Kattullus at 3:11 PM on June 22, 2009
149. The men shift about sullenly in the antechamber. Every fifteen minutes or so, the next one pays his money to the pimp, and enters the back room. The walls of the room are covered in red velvet tapestry, and in the centre of the room there is a circular bed.
The lobster's legs are splayed provocatively, each of them in a sheer black stocking. Can you imagine how complex the garter belt is? It is indeed a marvel of engineering.
The lobster is lascivious.
The lobster is titillating.
The men, quickly aroused, have their way with the lobster.
The pimp wears a garish purple fedora, tilted rakishly to one side. His lederhosen and saddle shoes give him an air of sophistication. He was born to pimp. He is proud of his work and he does it well.
Why doesn't the pimp ever fuck the lobster? "Don't shit where you eat," he says, flashing golden teeth. The pimp is not African-American, and if you were imagining he was that proves what a terrible person you are. He might be Armenian, but he gets a little defensive when pressed on the issue.
Why do the men come and pay to fuck the lobster? Gusto nicht disputando, as they say in Armenia.
Do women ever come and fuck the lobster? Every once in a while one tries, but the pimp quickly shoes them away. He knows what side his bread is buttered on. The women would make the men uncomfortable, and he won't have his customers scared away. "Bidnes is bidnes," he says.
The pimp has a cleft palate, and has trouble pronouncing the word "business" correctly. posted by Meatbomb at 4:03 PM on June 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
150. Who let the lobster out? Was it you? Because now my lederhosen are lightly stained and someone will have to pay the cleaning costs, which won't be inconsiderable. posted by Kattullus at 6:53 PM on June 22, 2009
151. It is said that the lobster hath no heart. But doth not a lobster run Fowsom Chemicals and Private Security? Did not a lobster compose Morgana Auvergne? Did not a lobster invent the stairless velocipede? Was it not a lobster who first pondered the mysteries of natural trilosophy? And without lobsters, would we not have northern Manitoba? Thus, hold thou not the lobster in contempt, but rather don thy lederhosen, lightly soiled though they may be, and ponder the saltcellar in repentance of thy arrogance. posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:43 PM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
152. Don't stop, lobster, isn't it funny how you shine? Here the sea spray give, I was with the lederhosen. We're under the ship so get me over. Now that was me, listen. Now she lobsters now, listen. There was no one out there we stained. There is the news for me, useless. Now so lightly stained. How we'll be teased. Don't stop, isn't it funny how you lob? Oh won't you just ask the lobster, you're an imbecile. What's the matter for everyone in hosen. Pain, blues lobster. It's playing just a guitar from the antennae. I wake I still look I feel lightly stained. We're all here now, who's the first ease into my lederhosen? The lobster must be one of us. Don't stop, isn’t it funny how you stain? Don’t stop, isn't it hosen how lightly you stain? posted by Kattullus at 9:18 PM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
153. I'm melllllltinnnnnnggggggggggg....... posted by flabdablet at 1:07 AM on June 23, 2009
154. The lobster and stained lederhosen
Two items, surrealist, well-chosen
Make a ship out of elm
Have the hosen take helm
For the lobster's an excellent boatswain. posted by SpiffyRob at 5:10 AM on June 23, 2009 [2 favorites]
155. Stage a production of Philip Glass Buys a Loaf of Bread in which the lederhosen plays the baker and the lobster plays the "No Change" sign. posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:06 PM on June 23, 2009
156. That's not a rock! posted by cortex at 3:27 PM on June 23, 2009
158. The lobster is your waiter. Did you go to college with the lobster? High school? Summer camp? That lobster looks familiar. As you ponder a bit of food slips from your fork, lightly staining your lederhosen. You never get around to asking the lobster if you've met before. posted by Kattullus at 8:05 PM on June 25, 2009
159. The lederhosen hang awkwardly in the foyer, the light stain facing against the wall because the lobster is ashamed of what he did. Bring it up with others whenever the lobster is around, it will be assuming to see the lobster so discomfited. posted by Kattullus at 11:05 AM on June 26, 2009
160. Of course there will also be bathtubs, and giraffes! They would be so sad if we neglected them, but they must be included discretely, employed deep within an entry in a cunning way, such that the lobster is temporarily distractoided and does not realize the spotlight has been shifted away from him. The lederhoseni are inanimate, so we needn't take their feelings into account to the same extent. And we intend to include them in the scene, so again we are OK here. We could even use an idiomatic expression such as "with those lederhoseni, we are in the clear," or "we're good in the lederhoseni department".
The giraffes are wandering up the stairs, in lederhosen, and now up here on the second floor landing they are bending down low low to try to clear the entrance to the bathroom. Even after extensive advance preparations with an expensive team of unionized carpenters and engineers working late into the night to meet the deadline it now becomes painfully obvious that we were unable to provide sufficient clearance for the poor creatures. The header above the doorway could not be removed for fear of compromising the structural integrity of a load-bearing wall. Complete lack of foresight - removal of the door frame has, it turns out, only provided an additional 4 or 5cm of clearance. Their handlers beat at their hindquarters mercilessly with barbed clubs to encourage a sincere effort from the beasts, but these animals are huge, there is just no fucking way they will make it through. Heads are going to roll roll. And so the poor giraffes, despite their most valiant efforts, are only able to gaze through the doorway at the bathtub, so close and yet completely out of reach. After some initial confusion, the gurus chant their sutras and throw their rose petals anyway, pretending that this was how we had originally planned it and that of course we never actually intended the giraffes to enter the room. Already the project manager is on his cell, reporting to his superiors, offering excuses and justifications, grasping for a scapegoat.
And anyway hey, look, yes it's the lobster! Here he is, writing his memoirs in the adjoining study, hey little fella how is the project coming along? posted by Meatbomb at 12:03 PM on June 26, 2009 [1 favorite]
161. Marg bar lobster! Marg bar lobster! Marg bar lederhosen! Marg bar lederhosen!
(I take stains very seriously, no matter how light) posted by Kattullus at 6:45 AM on June 27, 2009
161. The warm weather means that the lobster's local watering hole has opened their outdoor seating. He is thrilled. A little too excited, actually, and as a result, the lederhosen are now lightly stained.
No no, not because of that! Eeew. Eeew. He was drinking some port when he heard the news, and didn't put it down as he ran out the door. The lobster lives a-top the "One Presently Unstained Pair of Lederhosen, Not For Sale" store (Sidenote: How *do* they pay the rent?) and a single drop of port slipped out of his glass. The building is made of thatched grass (Sidenote: *That* may explain their ability to pay the rent) and the single drop of port made a long, winding journey through the grass before landing atop the lederhosen. But that, my darling, is a story for another day.
163. The lobster didn't preview, and crapped all over the lederhosen when he realized he'd made a second entry at 161. posted by SpiffyRob at 6:50 AM on June 27, 2009
164. SPECIAL MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL TRIBUTE EDITION
Even surrealists mourn the passing of the greatest artist ever to exist within any universe, ruling all space and time as the undisputed King of Pop.
The production team works frantically, sewing the tiny lederhosen, working through the routines with the choreographer, preparing the website to go live.
The dance number is a medley, and the lobsters perform exquisitely. ABC, I Want You Back, Thriller, they do it all.
At the end of the show the surrealist takes his turn on the runway, a huge bouquet in his arms, flanked by the two lead lobsters. The crowd gives a standing ovation, the flashbulbs pop, and a single tear runs down his cheek. posted by Meatbomb at 7:37 AM on June 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
165. Noting the date, you cut a hole in the lederhosen where the stain is (although the hole is smaller than the stain itself, so the outline of the stain still surrounds the hole). Using the lederhosen as a planchette, you consult a Ouija board. Not one with the usual Roman letters and Arabic numerals, but one written in runes so old that few would even recognize them. Skorb-runes, you heard them called once, but you are unsure who it was who called them such, or if that was accurate. It is difficult to operate the planchette with the lobster snipping at your fingers, in one instance drawing blood, but you know the presence of the lobster is necessary for a proper divination. After several hours: the message is complete: The enumeration shall continue here. posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:46 AM on June 27, 2009
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