Metafilter post about Ye Olde Metafilterre. Help? June 24, 2009 8:54 PM   Subscribe

Looking for a Metafilter post that was about a gentlemanly journal(?) in the 1800's(?) that was kind of like Metafilter. It was recently digitized, I believe. And then also there was a part in it that was also like AskMetafilter. Anyone remember this better than I do?
posted by unknowncommand to MetaFilter-Related at 8:54 PM (84 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

Ah yes, the Crown's assorted, banal and apocryphal linkages. Some people say that it is still published to this very day, though none may read it without the ritual sacrifice of a modicum of dignity.

who controls the british crown?
posted by Lemurrhea at 9:01 PM on June 24, 2009 [2 favorites]

Are you talking about this post? It's a little more like an 19th century craigslist.
posted by stavrogin at 9:01 PM on June 24, 2009

who controls the british crown?

There is no cable.

No, that's not a typo, the tv's on the fritz again.
posted by Pollomacho at 9:04 PM on June 24, 2009

Here you go.
posted by brain_drain at 9:16 PM on June 24, 2009

Kind of like Metafilter, but probably with a professional white background.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:18 PM on June 24, 2009

I was right!
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:19 PM on June 24, 2009

Yay brain_drain has it. Thanks!
posted by unknowncommand at 9:40 PM on June 24, 2009

posted by koeselitz at 11:51 PM on June 24, 2009

Great Splort! I can't believe I missed this the first time around. Thank you for the meta-bump.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 12:07 AM on June 25, 2009

Oh wow, what a great old publication! The similarities between the three sections of N&Q and the three main sections of MeFi make me happy.

It's still being published, but it seems like it's become more of an academic literature journal than a magazine of general interest. That's too bad. Does anyone know the status or reputation of the journal? Is it something you could cite in a scholarly work? (Probably so, as it's published by Oxford. I was kind of hoping it was still chatty and slipshod like MeFi. Maybe MeFi will become an academic journal in the future.)
posted by painquale at 4:45 AM on June 25, 2009

painquale: yes, it's become a scholarly journal. In the old days it styled itself 'A Medium of Intercommunication for Literary Men, General Readers, etc.' It now styles itself 'For Readers and Writers, Collectors and Librarians'.

The most recent issue of N&Q has a learned note ('Allusions in Hartly House, Calcutta') answering a query that was posed by another reader in 1908. This makes me very happy.
posted by verstegan at 6:14 AM on June 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

A couple of years ago someone made a "you kids have it easy these days" parody-ish comment which went a little like "back in the old days, Metafilter was a mailbox in Wyoming and you had to wait three weeks to get a response to your comment".

This is that. Thank you ever so much, I missed the FPP.

BTW, anyone remember that comment and got a link?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:45 AM on June 25, 2009

...Sir Thomas Lucy had deer, which Shakespeare might have been concerned in stealing. I also, in the same place (vol. i. p. xcv.), showed, from several authorities, how common and how venial offence it was considered in the middle of the reign of Elizabeth. Looking over some MSS. of that time, a few weeks since, I met with a very singular and confirmatory piece of evidence, establishing that in the year 1585, the precise period when our great dramatist is supposed to have made free with the deer of the knight of Charlcote, nearly all the cooks'-shops and ordinaries of London were supplied with stolen venison.
Surely he doth trolle the seas of sound wit and reason for vexing disseminations!
posted by cowbellemoo at 8:35 AM on June 25, 2009

Perchance he should fashion himself a headdress of alumium.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:46 AM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Despite the digitization, if you can find a library that has back issues of N&Q, it's worth checking out. It's much easier to read that way, and there's nothing quite like sitting down with old journals. I think it makes the switch over to the new owner and the less cool, more scholarly version in the 60s or 70s, but I'm not entirely sure. So make sure your copies go back before that.
posted by Caduceus at 9:13 AM on June 25, 2009

Notes & Queries: How Common and How Venial [an] Offence
posted by Bummus at 11:00 AM on June 25, 2009

T'will not ende welle.
posted by Bummus at 11:02 AM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

posted by Bummus at 11:03 AM on June 25, 2009

posted by Bummus at 11:03 AM on June 25, 2009

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

166. As Gregor Lobster awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found he had been transformed into gigantic lederhosen. To add insult to injury, the light soiling he had received the previous night remained, but it would be much harder to get out of leather than to wash off of his carapace.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:47 AM on June 27, 2009

167. The boat sank, and three crew members survived by clinging to a large crab trap buoyed up by styrofoam floats. They drifted for over two weeks before a coast guard plane spotted them, and by this time they were on the edge of dehydration death.

About four hours later they hear the approach of a rescue helicopter. One of the crew is lowered on a rope, and they smile - they won't die, help is here, they have been rescued!

The rescuer, once down on the crab trap with the survivors, disconnects the winch line from the safety girdle, waves to the chopper, and the chopper flies away.

Now the survivors are a little confused. They notice that the new addition to their makeshift raft has a long Daliesque moustache. He is wearing traditional Bavarian lederhosen. On his shoulder is a monkey, its fur dyed a brilliant emerald green.

The man opens his backpack, and removes a number of curious but useless objects - clothespins, rubber ducks, plastic novelty lobsters and fake dog poop. He arranges them precariously on the mesh of the trap.

For gender balance issues, please note that all of the surviving crew members are women.

The man then takes out a book of dada poetry, and reads it to them while leering and thrusting his hips suggestively.

There is an important message in this little parable: in some situations, surrealism is not an appropriate solution.

There is an important message in this little parable: sexual harassment can occur anywhere and at any time.

After a few more days, the rescuers send a non-surreal rescue team, but alas it is too late.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:32 PM on June 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

168. The lobster loves you but it can never be because it lives in the deep and your lederhosen are already lightly stained.
posted by Kattullus at 8:12 PM on June 27, 2009

169. Humarinn vill þig ekki, þú getur ekki einu sinni haldið bæversku hnéleðurbuxunum þínum hreinum, þær eru þegar léttskítugar.
posted by Kattullus at 8:14 PM on June 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

170. Poop!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:51 PM on June 27, 2009

171. Keep the lobster from catching that train, even if it means that your lederhosen are lightly stained in the process. The fate of the world depends on you.
posted by Kattullus at 4:34 PM on June 28, 2009

but alas it is too late...

for the women have killed and consumed the Dadaist, fashioning his lederhosen into a solar desalination kit.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:40 PM on June 29, 2009

173. Label lovely lilac lobsters. Legalize lethal levitating lederhosen. Literally lengthen large luminescent lobsters. Liberate lightly-soiled lemony lederhosen. Localize laughable lilting lobsters. Lionize laterally layered lederhosen.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:15 PM on June 29, 2009

174. The lobster is thundering, electrocute the lederhosen until they are lightly stained.
posted by Kattullus at 4:55 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:15 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:15 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:16 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:16 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:16 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:16 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:17 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:17 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:17 AM on July 2, 2009

posted by little e at 6:18 AM on July 2, 2009

185. The lobster scuttles around DC in the wee hours of the morning, looking for a 24-hour lederhosen cleaner solution store. He finds many.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:23 AM on July 2, 2009

186. Overthink the lederhosen cleaner as you overthink every decision in this strange new land. Listen suspiciously to customers of the lederhosen cleaner in your building, as they complain of missing lederhosen and lederhosen that remain visibly soiled despite alleged cleaning. Bemoan the distance to the lederhosen cleaner back in Kentucky who has been with you through years of wine stains and bodily fluids, cleaning with care wool lederhosen, silken lederhosen, and even delicately beaded formal lederhosen. Due to your mistrust of unfamiliar lederhosen cleaners, go so far as to take your soiled lederhosen on a visit back to Kentucky to your trusted lederhosen cleaner and get your mom to mail your favorite lederhosen once they have been desoiled. Finally accept that you must make a leap of faith and give a new lederhosen cleaner a try. Pick up your favorite yellow lederhosen from the cleaner only to find them spotless, brighter and yellower than you remember them ever being. Rejoice. Return the next day with an armload of soiled lederhosen. And sweaters.
posted by little e at 7:37 AM on July 2, 2009 [3 favorites]

187. In the land of the lobsters, the cleaner who handles ten-legged lederhosen is king.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:47 AM on July 2, 2009 [2 favorites]

188. Do not put the lederhosen to the sword, for the light stain is not its fault but the lobster's.
posted by Kattullus at 9:23 AM on July 2, 2009

189. Piss off the lobster. It's only got two claws, how bad can it hurt you? If your lederhosen become lightly stained in the process, it's only your own damn fault.
posted by Kattullus at 9:35 AM on July 2, 2009

190. After five and a half months in residence, as you are fumbling at the door with your keys, glance up and finally encounter one of your next door neighbors, also fumbling with keys. (Four and a half months ago you decided your next door neighbors are imaginary.) Make uncomfortable eye contact. She is dressed respectably for work and looks like the prissy sort who probably does not enjoy the noises emanating from your apartment. You are dressed in a pair of lederhosen lightly soiled with blood stains1 and featuring a knife hole2, inexcusably sweaty, singing and dancing along with the music in your head, and generally not looking like the type of person anybody wearing a cardigan wants for a next door neighbor. Quickly make your way into your apartment and pretend it never happened.

1. Your own blood
2. Self-inflicted

posted by little e at 9:50 AM on July 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

191. Oh... oh no. The lobster seems to have gotten hold of the sword, and he is able to wield it with much more precision than you would have expected. Run! But you don't have to run far or fast. Remember: Lobsters are from the sea.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:50 AM on July 2, 2009

192. Holy Christ lobster, you knew what you were getting into buying that first pitcher of beer but really, a pair of stained lederhosen later you should at least feel remorse.
posted by Kattullus at 10:43 PM on July 2, 2009

Nail the lobster to a cross and wrap it in lederhosen. People will see its image in the light stain.
posted by Kattullus at 7:33 AM on July 3, 2009

194. Remember to number your lobsters otherwise people will hold the light stain on their lederhosen against you.
posted by Kattullus at 7:33 AM on July 3, 2009

195. The lobster spits on your independence with its antics. Spit on his lederhosen, the light stain will remind him forever of his shame.
posted by Kattullus at 9:13 PM on July 5, 2009

196. Try as he might, the lobster cannot beat Roger Federer. He cries into his lederhosen, staining them with his sad lobster tears.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:51 AM on July 6, 2009

197. The love and loyalty of lightly-soiled lederhosen is not easily earned, but once you have it, its value is beyond compare.

Things to give up in exchange for the love and loyalty of lightly-soiled lederhosen:
  • ladders
  • lithium
  • linotype
  • lettuce-spinners
  • Legos
  • lethargy
  • labels
  • logarithms
  • logout-rhythms
  • literature
  • lilacs
  • LOLcats
  • lapis lazuli
  • longjohns
  • lamb
  • leverage
  • libel
  • lentils
  • labels that libel
  • licenses
  • liposuction
  • penguins
  • loveseats

posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:11 PM on July 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

198. Let the lobster lick Lionel's lightly-stained lederhosen.
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:54 PM on July 6, 2009

199. Carefully remove the legs from the lobster. Use the eight small legs and the two claws in the obvious way to generate a hexagram for consulting the I Ching. You should receive hexagram 29, "Gorge." If you did not, you conducted the divination incorrectly; cook and eat the claw meat, then procure another lobster, and try it again. Repeat until you receive hexagram 29, "Gorge."

Read the entry for "Gorge" in the I Ching, then remember that you prefer Tarot over the I Ching for divination. Discard all remaining lobster parts.

Find an episode from the third season of Night Court online. Watch it.

Ponder which Tarot card best fits Dan Fielding in the episode you watched. Find a pair of lederhosen with a light stain depicting that card. No, you can't just get an unsoiled pair of lederhosen and lightly soil them to match the card; you must find a pair with the stain already present. Set the lederhosen aside for the moment.

Make a deck of Tarot cards out of vellum. Did you copy the Rider-Waite deck? If so, throw them out. Then retrieve the suit of Cups and the Hierophant, Justice, the Hanged Man, and the Moon from the wastebasket. The remaining cards should be copied from the Thoth Tarot, except for the Eight of Swords, the Page of Wands, and the Chariot, which should be your own original designs.

Put on the lederhosen, but backwards. Do a reading using the Tarot deck you made, using the Celtic Cross layout; no significator is necessary, since that is represented by the stain on your lederhosen. Take your time; despite what the hardware-store psychics would have you believe, a proper reading can take hours or days.

Did you select the Four of Pentacles to represent Dan Fielding? If not, you watched the wrong episode of Night Court, or else you failed to understand Mac's comment in the second act in the context of post-colonial Australian politics. Start over with the lobster.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:19 PM on July 6, 2009 [4 favorites]

200. Tell the world about the lobster. Go hither and thither, hence and thence, over here and over there and spread the word. Everyone you meet will rejoice in your lederhosen, leaving them lightly stained.
posted by Kattullus at 5:43 AM on July 7, 2009

201. Make an appointment with the Council of Lobsters. Calmly make your case that their mandate permitting only unstained lederhosen is unfair to fans of the Austrian pre-modernist movement. If they still deny your claim, do not take violent action, but move away (including time travel, if necessary) to a more permissive community. Be seeing you!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:45 PM on July 7, 2009

202. Slip the lightly stained lederhosen in an envelope. Hand the envelope to the armless woman floating in space above the river of emptiness. Pause mid-reach and let the lobster paint you. He paints an image of a lobster painting an image of a lobster painting an image of a lobster painting an image of a lobster painting a speck.
posted by Kattullus at 11:38 AM on July 8, 2009

203. Do not even for a second believe the lies spouted in item 202. This is, sadly, becoming the typical surrealist experience we are made to suffer through in this modern age. Did the author even make an effort? Or did he as they say "phone it in"? Is he even a certificated and insured surrealist? I'll let you be the judge - consider:

The lobster is not painting a speck, but someone who isn't ready to make a proper effort might say that. Please, gentlemen, bring in the electron microscope. Full power! Dim the lights!

Ah, yes, now we can see the truthability of the situation. The so-called "speck" is in fact a surrealist sitting at his easel. On the easel we can see a protagonist handing a lightly stained pair of lederhosen an envelope, containing an armless woman floating in space, above a river of emptimess...

Increase magnification!!!

There, the lobster is quite clearly painting an image of a lobster painting an image of a lobster, painting a scene in which an audience is gathered around an electron microscope in a dimly lit room.

I am confident that you will all agree with me that Kattallus is a shame and a pretender, and that you will join me in voting him off the island in the next round.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:45 PM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

204. Make an alliance with the lederhosen to vote off the lobster, which will cause the producers, desparate for ratings and raspberry strudel, to add hundreds of not-quite-perfect clones of Kattullus to the cast. Meanwhile, prepare for hedgehog-sized hail.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:59 PM on July 8, 2009

205. I know what Kattullus smells like, I think I can figure out which one is true among the imposters.
posted by little e at 10:55 PM on July 8, 2009

206. Throw the lobster at the imposter Kattallus, his momentary confusion will allow you to put the lightly stained lederhosen on his head, temporarily blinding Kattallus and overwhelming his nose, allowing you to make your escape with the one that smells right.
posted by Kattullus at 11:10 PM on July 8, 2009

207. Tuna Delight Salad Mold

Food for the gods on a summer Sunday night!

Set out a 9 1/2 x 5 1/4 x 2 3/4-in. loaf pan.

For Pineapple Layer--Drain thoroughly, reserving sirup, contents of
1 9-oz. can crushed pineapple (about 2/3 cup, drained)
Add to the reserved pineapple sirup
Water (enough to make 1/2 cup liquid)
Set aside.

Empty into a bowl
1 pkg. lime-flavored gelatin
Add to bowl and stir until gelatin is completely dissolved
1 cup very hot water
Blend in the liquid mixture and
2 tablespoons lemon juice
Chill until mixture is slightly thicker than consistency of thick, unbeaten egg white.

Wash, pare, chop and set aside enough cucumber to yield
1/2 cup chopped cucumber
When gelatin mixture is of desired consistency, blend in the pineapple and cucumber. Turn into the prepared pan and set in refrigerator to chill until partially set.

For Lobster Layer--Pour into a small bowl
1/2 cup cold water
Sprinkle evenly over cold water
2 tablespoons (2 env.) unflavored gelatin
Let stand about 5 min. to soften.

Beat slightly in top of a double boiler
2 eggs
Blend in thoroughly
1 cup undiluted evaporated milk
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon minced onion
1/2 teaspoon Worchestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon monosodium glutamate
few grains cayenne pepper

Set over simmering water and cook, stirring constantly, until mixture thickens slightly. Remove from heat and immediately add the softened gelatin; stir until the gelatin is completely dissolved.
Cool; chill until mixture begins to gel (gets slightly thicker).

Meanwhile, drain, flake, and set aside contents of
1 7-oz. can lobster (about 1 cup)
Prepare and set aside
1/2 cup finely chopped celery
1/4 cup finely chopped green pepper

When the second gelatin mixture is of desired consistency, blend it into
1 cup mayonnaise
Mix in lobster, green pepper, and celery; set aside.

Beat until rounded peaks are formed
2 egg whites
Gently fold into the tuna mixture. When first layer in mold is partially set, immediately spoon the tuna mixture into the mold. (Both layers should be of almost the same consistency to avoid separation when unmolded.) Set salad in refrigerator to chill until firm.

To Serve--Unmold onto chilled serving lederhosen. Garnish with
Cream Cheese "Pineapples"

posted by little e at 11:15 PM on July 8, 2009

posted by little e at 11:16 PM on July 8, 2009

posted by little e at 11:17 PM on July 8, 2009

posted by little e at 11:17 PM on July 8, 2009

posted by little e at 11:18 PM on July 8, 2009

posted by little e at 11:18 PM on July 8, 2009

213. The right way to take the lobster is to take one lobster every day at the same time. If you miss lobsters, you could get pregnant. This includes starting the pack late. The more lobsters you miss, the more likely you are to get pregnant.
posted by little e at 11:24 PM on July 8, 2009

214. If you feel sick to your stomach, do not stop taking the lobster. The problem will usually go away. If it doesn't go away, check with your health-care professional.
posted by little e at 11:25 PM on July 8, 2009

215. Take one lobster at the same time every day until the pack is empty. Do not skip lobsters even if you do not have sex very often.
posted by little e at 11:27 PM on July 8, 2009

216. The lobster may not be as effective if you miss active lobsters, and particularly if you miss the first few or last few active lobsters in a pack.
posted by little e at 11:28 PM on July 8, 2009

217. If you miss one active lobster, take it as soon as you remember. Take the next lobster at your regular time. This means you may take two lobsters in one day.
posted by little e at 11:29 PM on July 8, 2009

218. You could become pregnant if you have sex in the seven days after you miss lobsters. You must use a non-hormonal birth control method (such as condoms and/or lederhosen, lightly soiled) as a back-up for those seven days.
posted by little e at 11:31 PM on July 8, 2009

219. Garnish! with! cream! cheese!! "pineapples"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by little e at 11:32 PM on July 8, 2009

OK, that's it fuckos, I'm telling. If you think jessamyn won't permanently ban you from MetaFilter for doing what you do, think again and then think a third and even fourth time, just continue thinking in an ongoing way. Now take a look at what our "colleagues" Kattallus and little e have done in the last few hours. This is why we can't have nice things. If you turdorinos keep pulling this bull crap there are going to be serious consequences, which might include permanent closure of the surrealism thread. Do you want that on your conscience? Really?

Before you start posting your next random bullshit, ask yourself the following questions:
  1. is what I am writing authentically surreal?
  2. am I, as they say, "phoning it in"?
  3. am I making heavy use of the cut and fuck you functions of my computer's text editing software suite? (i.e., ctrl-c and ctrl-☎)
  4. did I ask Meatbomb's permission before including new potentially non-surreal elements in my guide entry?
  5. am I currently a fully certificated and insured surrealist with the authority to provide surreal commentary in my jurisdiction?
  6. does my entry include a lobster and lederhosen? If not, is the lack of inclusion done in a properly surreal way?
  7. have I spellchecked my entry? have I proofread for grammar, capitalization, punctuation, masturbation, and pinaplle?
  8. have I bolded and put into "scare quotes" all references to pinaplle?
  9. have I sent my full €23.50 deposit for each and every entry that I have submitted?
  10. have I posted in my underwear or, if in public, have I posted while surreptitiously rubbing my aughty bits?
Total your "yes" and "no" answers. For question 5, if you answered "maybe" then take your raw "yes" score and multiply by your year of birth. If you answered "n/a" to questions 2 or 3, add 20 to your raw "no" score.

Use your current scores to refer to the index on page 15. Your indexed scores will now be added to your final weighted scores.

There are a few things these scores will help you with.

Firstly, they will be identical to the scores you would have recieved by taking the "Is your lobster cheating on you?" quiz in the April 10th 2002 edition of Field and Stream - look at all the time you've saved!

Secondly, you will now know if your post is worthy of inclusion in the official Verbose Surrealist list. Weighted "yes" scores between 4 and 23,000,000 are considered "halal", and you can hit "post" with confidence and pride. Wieghted "no" scores that are greater than the sum of your raw "yes" and "no" scores may be questionable, and you should probably vet your post with a site mod before posting. Unless you prefer evisceration and potentional permanent bannination? Do you? Do you feel lucky punk? Because this is not just some bullshit, man, this is the big time and we are playing to win.

GO TEAM!!! WE CAN DO THIS!!! Today we are all MexiCANs!!!
posted by Meatbomb at 3:55 AM on July 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

220. The lobster is telling you about the nightmare it had the other day when it woke up consumed with terror and had vivid hallucinations while also being aware of the real world. You tell the lobster that it wasn't a nightmare it had but a night terror. It vomits and even though it puts its claws in front of its face it can't keep flecks of spew from lightly staining your lederhosen. You start to suspect that this is all a dream because you're pretty sure that lobsters don't vomit, especially not vomit which includes diced carrots. You don't wake up.
posted by Kattullus at 9:46 PM on July 9, 2009

221. When the lobster rises, go to the place where the she-wolf was thrice betrayed by her sisters. Call out softly, imitating the warble of the gray-breasted spinningbird. In a few minutes, you will be approached by an old woman, who will lead you to a small hut. There, she will offer you tea and carrot cake. You should accept, unless you do not like carrot cake. Be sure to compliment her lovely starskin rug.

She will ask to see your lederhosen. Do not show them to her too quickly, as that would be taken as a sign of insecurity and she would surely send you away. Rather, gently change the subject and engage her in a dialogue on the metaethical and geoprosophical aspects of the Diels-Alder reaction. Only after she has conceded that the reaction falls under the Sixteenth, not the Eleventh, class of Steinhausen's hemimoral subimperatives should you let her examine your lederhosen.

If the stain is not too deep, she will accept you as her apprentice. For the first two years, you will be assigned menial tasks only. Accept them with the quiet grace which is yours by virtue of having spent a month among the Altenfirs in your youth. Your true education begins in the third year. She will teach you many things: the alchemical transformation of yarmulkes into filing cabinets; how to identify the five genders of riverbeds; the means of differentiating a stranger's uncle by blood from his uncle by marriage; the social hierarchy among shoelaces; the proper method for preparing truite en tungsténe a la Babineaux; how to arrive late to a Friesian wedding without giving offense to the third alternate bridesmaid's godmother; the art of designing clockworks with false mechanisms meant to hide their true means of operation; the reading and interpretation of skorb-runes; nineteen disguises which will let you pass undetected among actuaries; the uses of safflorite in cleaning, decoration, music, and printing; when to change your car's air filter; when to use the familiar, semi-polite, polite, distantive, insultive, supplicative, or considerative second-person forms of address in spoken and written Crimean Gothic; when to play aggressively and when to play defensively in Janggi; the best arrangement for growing moonflowers and direberries in the same garden; how to frame an archdeacon for forgery of Namibian passports; the fundamental differences between the dendroöntological theories of Dreyfuss and Bachmann; how Brinsley Sheridan's The Rivals presaged World War I trench warfare; the measurement of the mass and volume of saltpeter using only rosemary sprigs; the generation of quasi-random hyperelliptical integer sequences; pairings of waters from African lakes with Peruvian goat dishes; the eight modes of hyperclinic variation in tropospheric ethane concentration; how to pick up the 7-10 split; the order of precedence among Tuscan nobility and its implications for Guatemalan tradespersons' unions; the choice of appropriate primers and paint colors based on the time of conception of the first person to enter a room; how to collect Siberian grasses which are suitable for both basket-weaving and feeding of seahorses; the opening of diplomatic negotiations between a doubly-landlocked country and a nation which achieved democracy due to its king leaving no heirs when he died of shellfish poisoning; how to solve Rubik's cube; the astronomical determination of the first day of antewinter on the Selucid calendar; variant forms of the Thunder Bay commencement ceremony depending on whether the salutatorian speaks Russian, has a "w" in his or her last name, has danced a foxtrot within the past seven weeks, or is the child of a nephrologist; ordinary and extraordinary modes of communication between Thai septugenarians.

After ten or eleven years, and without warning, she will one day announce that she has no more to teach you. There will be a brief ceremony, attended by few guests, all unknown to you, in which she places the ancient sesquistole across your shoulders, administers the oath of Harfun, and gives you the traditional seal of your new profession. Although she has never shown you any warmth in all the years you spent together, she will tell you in a private moment at the reception that she considers you a dear friend. Now is the time to tell her that you just wanted your lederhosen cleaned.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:33 AM on July 15, 2009

222. Blah blah lobster blah blah blah lederhosen blah blah.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:46 PM on July 21, 2009

posted by Meatbomb at 5:25 PM on July 21, 2009

223. You and the lobster decide to take things one day at a time. That is the only way you can ever put the light stain on the lederhosen behind you.
posted by Kattullus at 1:19 AM on July 22, 2009

posted by little e at 2:28 PM on July 23, 2009

225. You have the diagnosis and it is time to write your Last Will and Testament. Decisions must be made.

Will the lobster be buried with you, as the Pharoah and his cats, or will he live out his days with your sister, supported by a modest trust fund?

What weapons will you need when you arise from your tomb at the inception of the impending Zombie War?

Will you be buried in the lederhosen or, will you, along with your collection of 17th century erotica and what's left of your retirement funds, donate them to charity?
posted by little e at 3:06 PM on July 23, 2009

226. garnish "with" CREAM cheese PINeapplES!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:27 PM on July 24, 2009

The lobster
was a mobster
but when her associates found she was a snitch the lederhosen
are what they used to shape the concrete they encased her toes in.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:05 PM on July 24, 2009

228. You don't know what to say to the lobster. Just tell it straight up: "The lederhosen are lightly stained."
posted by Kattullus at 7:08 PM on July 24, 2009

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