April Fools

April 1, 2010 1:44 AM

Has/does MetaFilter do anything special for April Fools?

It's become very commonplace for other websites to do something quirky and off-putting on April 1st. I've only been a Mefite since last October, so I'm curious if there have been any noteworthy events.

posted by Taft to MetaFilter-Related at 1:44 AM (415 comments total)

From the Mefi Wiki. Enjoy.
posted by that girl at 1:49 AM on April 1, 2010

I wish more sites would pull the prank of not participating in turning the entire internet into an insufferable pool of bad joke vomit on April 1.
posted by Rhomboid at 2:33 AM on April 1, 2010 [17 favorites]

Let this be the designated April Fool thread then. I admit to being slightly amused with The Guardian's Gordon Brown "Tough Guy" posters.
posted by ersatz at 2:41 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wish more sites would pull the prank of not participating in turning the entire internet into an insufferable pool of bad joke vomit on April 1.

In that spirit, please let us flag the xkcd post as one, o lord.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:42 AM on April 1, 2010

I wish more sites would pull the prank of not participating in turning the entire internet into an insufferable pool of bad joke vomit on April 1.

Thankfully, Wikipedia is merely framing articles so that they sound like jokes, but are in fact genuine articles.
posted by molecicco at 2:51 AM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

Oh wow, that's more than I could have asked for! Thanks!
posted by Taft at 3:00 AM on April 1, 2010

Ha, the Wikipedia thing is pretty good.

I think my favourite MeFi April Fools are the colour change for a sheer "WTF is going on" proper AF prank vibe, and the fake AskMe front page for being clearly fake but really funny (it really hits the nail on the head with a lot of classic AskMe stuff).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:20 AM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

I think the freakiest thing they could do this year is NOTHING!

I've been on the site twenty minutes, haven't figured out what the April Fool's joke is this year, and it's FREAKING ME OUT.
posted by anotherpanacea at 3:25 AM on April 1, 2010 [10 favorites]

Matt changed the front page color to blue in April's Fools 2006 - it annoyed people so much he decided to make it permanent.
posted by qvantamon at 3:46 AM on April 1, 2010

April fools fail. I hope.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:47 AM on April 1, 2010

I wish more sites would pull the prank of not participating in turning the entire internet into an insufferable pool of bad joke vomit on April 1.

You know what would help? NOT LINKING TO ALL THAT CRAP. Of course, that would mean not linking to, like, half the stuff that's going around today.
posted by delmoi at 3:56 AM on April 1, 2010

Today's a good day to not be on the internet.
posted by The Whelk at 5:26 AM on April 1, 2010

I've been on the site twenty minutes, haven't figured out what the April Fool's joke is this year, and it's FREAKING ME OUT.

Really, you don't notice anything a little...off? Hmmm...well, I won't ruin it for you.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 5:28 AM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

Google needs a "make it stop" today. (I resorted to adblock.)
posted by gubo at 5:35 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wish more sites would pull the prank of not participating in turning the entire internet into an insufferable pool of bad joke vomit on April 1.

Seems like there's way more complaining about April Fool's this year than I remember from the past. I'm going to choose to believe that those people are just really committed to their "pretend to be a humorless dick" prank.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:36 AM on April 1, 2010 [17 favorites]

I've been on the site twenty minutes, haven't figured out what the April Fool's joke is this year, and it's FREAKING ME OUT.

Yeah, same here. I use the Professional White Background, so if there's a color change - I'm missing it.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:47 AM on April 1, 2010

Apparently everyone's an admin on Reddit today. Can we all have the mod panel?
posted by backseatpilot at 5:56 AM on April 1, 2010

There is no humor involved in repeating the same joke over and over again. When websites changed their interfaces to pink or announced buyouts by Microsoft in 1997, it was funny. It's not funny when people still do the same shit 13 years later.
posted by Rhomboid at 5:56 AM on April 1, 2010

Just close the entire site for a day - say the server needs to be re-oiled or something.
posted by The Whelk at 6:00 AM on April 1, 2010

Yeah, I see April 1 on the net as mostly harmless. There's a lot of lame stuff done but the fun part for me is seeing the really creative stuff that has never been done before. It gets harder and harder every year.

Plus, about half of Thinkgeek's fake products are stuff that I wish were real.
posted by bondcliff at 6:03 AM on April 1, 2010

Found it. The post time out period has been eliminated. My last post was made at 3:53pm yesterday, but I can make another right now. Sweet!
posted by zarq at 6:18 AM on April 1, 2010

At least on October 22nd there's only one annoying thread to avoid.
posted by gman at 6:19 AM on April 1, 2010

It's not funny when people still do the same shit 13 years later.

Just means you're old now. Sorry.
posted by smackfu at 6:20 AM on April 1, 2010 [10 favorites]

The 4\1 ask.me page is well worth re-visiting. Jess and cortex can rest on those laurels for quite a while.
posted by theora55 at 6:31 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Double Dammit. Forgot to refresh my phone's browser. Uh.... Carry on. :(
posted by zarq at 6:48 AM on April 1, 2010

I can respect a prank that's executed carefully, and by that I mean one that's not torturously obvious. But I mean come on, it's like everyone feels like they HAVE to do something for April Fools even if if it's completely transparent and forced.
posted by Rhomboid at 7:01 AM on April 1, 2010

From the Wikipedia page, I wish Jedward was a joke.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:01 AM on April 1, 2010

The 4\1 ask.me page is well worth re-visiting. Jess and cortex can rest on those laurels for quite a while.

I still laugh every single time I think about it. Momma's drapes are NOT toys!
posted by tastybrains at 7:01 AM on April 1, 2010

My favorites count went down by one. That's a joke, right?
posted by oinopaponton at 7:09 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

From the Wikipedia page, I wish Jedward was a joke.

Even better. Possibly the worst reality show performance ever!
posted by smackfu at 7:12 AM on April 1, 2010

Yeah, I don't get all the April Fool's day hate. Nothing bad happens when a dozen sites fail to surprise and amuse me, and if one of them succeeds, then it often makes my day (or at least hour). God forbid people make an attempt to have a little fun one day out of the year.

I'd rather be easily amused than boring and grumpy.
posted by tastybrains at 7:15 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yeah, we're tooootallly not doing anything this year. Nothing at all. No sir. No sirree Bob.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:18 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Today's a good day to not be on the internet.

Not least because it's sofaking gorgeous out. Why the hell didn't I pretend to be sick today?
posted by Mister_A at 7:19 AM on April 1, 2010

Ooh I figured out the joke! Hit [alt] + [F4] to see it!
posted by Mister_A at 7:20 AM on April 1, 2010 [8 favorites]

Yeah, we're tooootallly not doing anything this year. Nothing at all. No sir. No sirree Bob.

The joke is that everyone has had their names legally changed to Bob.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:35 AM on April 1, 2010

I hear they are just reactivating sixcolors this years.
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:36 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

What is it? What is it?!!

...Did y'all let sixcolors have her account back?
posted by Navelgazer at 7:37 AM on April 1, 2010

Hey I brought up sixcolors last, and I regretted it, so let's cut it out and leave ex-users alone.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:38 AM on April 1, 2010

damn, greekphilosophy. damn....
posted by Navelgazer at 7:38 AM on April 1, 2010

This is when the camera pulls out and I'm alone in a hospital room talkin' about "flags" and "posts" and talking to people called "cortex" and the doctors remark how it's been like this like 2 years now.
posted by The Whelk at 7:44 AM on April 1, 2010 [21 favorites]

Heh. It would be fun to see what would happen if they took away favorites for a day. :)
posted by zarq at 7:53 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Even better. Possibly the worst reality show performance ever!

My heart bleeds for Ireland.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:54 AM on April 1, 2010

I know what the joke is. It's very grim, don't want to talk about it. Just don't drink the coffee today, is all I'm saying. Found out the hard way. "Friends of mathowie" indeed!
posted by invitapriore at 7:59 AM on April 1, 2010

Ooh I figured out the joke! Hit [alt] + [F4] to see it!

That's just mean!
posted by kate blank at 8:00 AM on April 1, 2010

This is when the camera pulls out and I'm alone in a hospital room talkin' about "flags" and "posts" and talking to people called "cortex" and the doctors remark how it's been like this like 2 years now.

users marked this as a favorite:
JoanArkham April 1, 2010 10:57 AM

Eponhysavorital?
posted by The Whelk at 8:01 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

The joke is that jessamyn is really mathowie, mathowie is really Artw, Artw is really sixcolors, and I am you.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:06 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

wait ...you are me and I am you and we are all together?
posted by The Whelk at 8:06 AM on April 1, 2010 [6 favorites]

In that case, good job forgetting about the Really Important Meeting this morning, Winsome Mister_A!
posted by Mister_A at 8:08 AM on April 1, 2010

I am the eggman!
posted by owtytrof at 8:10 AM on April 1, 2010

The joke is that Matt contacted everyone's employer and told them how much time you spend on the site instead of the expense reports.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:10 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

I AM MY OWN BOSS SO THE ONLY PERSON I'M HURTING IS MYSELF


...wait a second
posted by The Whelk at 8:13 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

You're fired!

</trump>
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:20 AM on April 1, 2010

I just downloaded the podcast and it's just 45 minutes of Cortex describing Ziggy cartoons and laughing hysterically at them.
posted by bondcliff at 8:23 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

And he's working on some Ziggy/Cathy slashfiction.

Dagwood Bumstead watches while making a sandwich.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:28 AM on April 1, 2010

And he's working on some Ziggy/Cathy slashfiction.

Actually, when Google Buzz first appeared, one of the first things I did to test it out was to write some Cathy / Jon Arbuckle slashfic! It was great!
posted by Greg Nog at 8:30 AM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

On that note, who else is totally psyched for the Marmaduke movie!
posted by shakespeherian at 8:41 AM on April 1, 2010

This is driving me crazy. When every new Askme question appears, I keep scanning it for hidden patterns or jokes that might indicate something from the mods. Can't get any work done, people!
posted by Melismata at 8:45 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Holy shit, I thought you were kidding, and I was about to make a joke about Willem Defoe playing Marmaduke or summat, but in all actuality, OWEN WILSON IS PLAYING MARMADUKE

WHAT THE CHRIST
posted by Greg Nog at 8:46 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

I've been thinking about the Marmaduke movie and trying to figure out what sort of casting decision would make sense, and I've come to the conclusion that there is no possible correct decision they could have made, other than a mild Joshu-esqe "mu".
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:49 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

it's like everyone feels like they HAVE to do something for April Fools even if if it's completely transparent and forced.

They do. A last minute amendment to the Health Care Bill now requires everyone to make with Ye Merry Jestes on Ye Fooles Day.

ARE WE CLOWNS NOBAMA?? DO WE AMUSE YOU??
posted by octobersurprise at 8:50 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

JEREMY PIVEN AND FERGIE AND STEVE "THE COOG" COOGAN ARE ALSO PLAYING OTHER DOGS

THIS IS REAL
posted by Greg Nog at 8:51 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

And Marmaduke doesn't even talk in the comic. I hate that comic and am still offended at the lengths the movie goes to be just like the Garfield movies.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:52 AM on April 1, 2010

THIS IS REAL

LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA
posted by The Whelk at 8:53 AM on April 1, 2010

Nice try, Mr. Nog, but your forgot the #TWURT hashtag. Where do you come up with these silly ideas?
posted by bondcliff at 8:57 AM on April 1, 2010

Oh is today the first?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:57 AM on April 1, 2010

Oh is today the first?

I suspect Team Mod is going to let us all drive ourselves crazy trying to find a non-existent cabal prank.

Not that I've been looking intensely or anything. Nope. Nuh uh.
posted by zarq at 9:03 AM on April 1, 2010

What if the first letter of every post on the blue today spelled something in hex? Something you could load into say, an emulator of some sort and find a fully playable Pitfall-like adventure game?

I've said too much already.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 9:05 AM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

You people are sadists.
posted by The Whelk at 9:07 AM on April 1, 2010

I've said too much already.

Joy-killer.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2010

And what if you could run through it backward like Pitfall, as well? Eh? What then?
posted by Mister_A at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2010

What if the first letter of every post on the blue today spelled something in hex? Something you could load into say, an emulator of some sort and find a fully playable Pitfall-like adventure game?

That is a lot of posts. Or a very short game.

I am now convinced that the existence of the Marmaduke movie is the fault of the mods. APRIL FUCKING FOOLS
posted by shakespeherian at 9:09 AM on April 1, 2010

You are a maze of twisty threads all alike

_
posted by The Whelk at 9:11 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

GET LAMP
posted by Mister_A at 9:13 AM on April 1, 2010

At exactly noon Portland time, Astro Zombies 1 - 3 devour the internet.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:14 AM on April 1, 2010

A rusty oil lamp illuminates the threads. On the far wall are several doors, one in blue, one in green, one in white, one in black, and one in gray. You can hear something breathing softly where in the cavern.
posted by The Whelk at 9:16 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

INVENTORY
posted by shakespeherian at 9:21 AM on April 1, 2010

You have

OIL LAMP
A CAMERA
A STICK (IT VIBRATES)
PANCAKES
A FADED COPY OF CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE #42
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 AM on April 1, 2010

GO NORTH
posted by mathowie (staff) at 9:23 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

A FISHPANTS BLOCKS YOUR PATH
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:24 AM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

You stand in front of the Grey Door. It faintly vibrates from the sound of tussle and argument. The smell of burning rubber permeates the area.
posted by The Whelk at 9:24 AM on April 1, 2010

USE PROFESSIONAL WHITE BACKGROUND
posted by shakespeherian at 9:25 AM on April 1, 2010

FIND OJ COUPON
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:26 AM on April 1, 2010

Ah, met4filter. Good times.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:28 AM on April 1, 2010

The cavern goes a blinding white. you blink until the afterimage fades. It's now impossible to tell one door from another. The white walls reveal scores and scores of mushrooms along the wall. The breathing sound is gone ...for now.
posted by The Whelk at 9:29 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

CAN I EAT MUSHROOM
posted by Mister_A at 9:31 AM on April 1, 2010

SURE WHY NOT?
posted by The Whelk at 9:32 AM on April 1, 2010

IDENTIFY MUSHROOM
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:32 AM on April 1, 2010

UNKNOWN COMMAND
posted by The Whelk at 9:33 AM on April 1, 2010

KNOW COMMAND
posted by Nothing... and like it at 9:36 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
posted by The Whelk at 9:37 AM on April 1, 2010

USE FADED COPY OF CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE #42
posted by shakespeherian at 9:38 AM on April 1, 2010

USE PANCAKES
posted by Mister_A at 9:38 AM on April 1, 2010

Your copy of Choose Your Own Adventure #42 is unrelated but nonetheless riveting. Should you explore the abandoned ship, turn to page 13 If you want to follow the tour guide turn to page 20.
posted by The Whelk at 9:40 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

ZE PANCAKES DO NOTHING!
posted by The Whelk at 9:41 AM on April 1, 2010

I DO KNOW EVERYTHING, I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT ALL AT ONCE IS THE PROBLEM
posted by Nothing... and like it at 9:44 AM on April 1, 2010

LIKE PANCAKES
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:45 AM on April 1, 2010

LIKE LIKE PANCAKES EAT YOUR OIL LAMP. OH WELL.
posted by The Whelk at 9:47 AM on April 1, 2010

Wow. I'd forgotten about that brilliant April Fool's AskMe page. That should be required reading for new users.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:55 AM on April 1, 2010

So is The Whelk the April Fool's Day joke?
posted by This Guy at 9:56 AM on April 1, 2010

XYZZY
posted by The White Hat at 10:00 AM on April 1, 2010

So is The Whelk the April Fool's Day joke?

That would explain SO. MANY. THINGS.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:01 AM on April 1, 2010

INCANT SUPREME RING
posted by cashman at 10:02 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

TURN TO PAGE 13
posted by shakespeherian at 10:03 AM on April 1, 2010

CASHMAN GAINS +1 FAVORITE. FAVORITE IS NOW IN YOUR INVENTORY.
posted by The Whelk at 10:04 AM on April 1, 2010

You turn to Page 13, wherein your character goes down the spooky abandoned ship located in Killsmore Bay. It's very dangerous to go alone, you should take something. Do you want to take your pet elk hound "Eddie", turn to page 5. If you want to take a copy of Camile Pagila's "Vamps And Tramps" turn to page 45.
posted by The Whelk at 10:06 AM on April 1, 2010

FLIP THROUGH BOOK TO FIND THE SEX ENDING
posted by shakespeherian at 10:11 AM on April 1, 2010

OH GOD THEY'RE ALL SEX ENDINGS EDDIE NO!
posted by The Whelk at 10:12 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

FLIP THROUGH BOOK TO FIND THE SEX ENDING

Page 17:

You are having SEX! It is SO AWESOME! It feels VERY GOOD and now you see why adults like talking about it during beer commercials! Also, you get to brag about it to your friends that you TOTALLY HAD SOME SEX. Chris doesn't believe you at first, but then you pull down your pants to show that it's TOTALLY TRUE!

THE END
posted by Greg Nog at 10:14 AM on April 1, 2010 [8 favorites]

OWEN WILSON IS PLAYING MARMADUKE

Not only that, but Ron Perlman is playing a dog called Chupadogra. Or am I kidding? Is this some bizarre April Fool's Day prank?

Dear God, how I wish it was.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:14 AM on April 1, 2010

TALK TO EDDIE
posted by shakespeherian at 10:15 AM on April 1, 2010

UNKNOWN UNKNOWN
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:16 AM on April 1, 2010

KNOWN UNKNOWN
posted by The Whelk at 10:17 AM on April 1, 2010

EDDIE IS A DOG IN A BOOK. YOU CAN'T TALK TO HIM. NOT WITHOUT HAVING SOME MUSHROOMS FIRST.
posted by The Whelk at 10:17 AM on April 1, 2010

The Eddie regards you with contempt.
]█
posted by not_on_display at 10:17 AM on April 1, 2010

USE MUSHROOMS
posted by shakespeherian at 10:20 AM on April 1, 2010

> ITS HARD TO EAT MUSHROOMS WITH MY HANDS COATED IN BUTTER
posted by xorry at 10:20 AM on April 1, 2010

> EVERYTHING GETS A LITTLE AWESOME.
posted by The Whelk at 10:21 AM on April 1, 2010

HAVE BAD TRIP
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:23 AM on April 1, 2010

Eddie....Eddie? I I- I don't know who I am.
posted by The Whelk at 10:24 AM on April 1, 2010

DRIVE TO VEGAS
posted by shakespeherian at 10:25 AM on April 1, 2010

RELEASE CAPslock
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:43 AM on April 1, 2010

participate in meetup in vegas
posted by biochemist at 10:44 AM on April 1, 2010

RELEASE CAPslock

huh. i did not know you could do that.

i'll be jiggered.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:49 AM on April 1, 2010

> WHAT HAPPENED AT THE VEGAS MEETUP STAYS ON YOUR POLICE RECORD FOR NO LESS THEN SEVEN (7) YEARS.
posted by The Whelk at 10:49 AM on April 1, 2010

YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING. I PLEAD THE FIFTH.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:54 AM on April 1, 2010

>DRIVE TO VEGAS

At Barstow, things start to get weird.

>PICK UP HITCHHIKER

Done.

>SNIFF ETHER

You're in for it now...
posted by 1f2frfbf at 10:54 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING. I DRANK A FIFTH.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:55 AM on April 1, 2010

DAMNIT SHAKESPHERERIAN, WE WERE SAVING THAT FOR ZOMBIE JESUS.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:55 AM on April 1, 2010

>YOU CAN'T STOP THE THREAD HERE, THIS IS BAT COUNTRY.
posted by The Whelk at 10:56 AM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

SUMMON ZOMBIE JESUS
posted by shakespeherian at 10:58 AM on April 1, 2010

.ZOMBIE JESUS CANNOT BE SUMMONED FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
posted by The Whelk at 11:01 AM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

LOOK AT POLICE RECORD
posted by shakespeherian at 11:11 AM on April 1, 2010

Outlandos d'Amour has an annoying scratch in "Roxanne."
posted by 1f2frfbf at 11:13 AM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

>POLICE RECORD UNAVAILABLE DUE TO DOHS RESTRICTIONS, DUDE.
posted by The Whelk at 11:18 AM on April 1, 2010

The Division of Occupational Health and Safety?
posted by Tin Man at 11:19 AM on April 1, 2010

CONTRACT SARS, SUE TSA
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:21 AM on April 1, 2010

MAP
posted by shakespeherian at 11:22 AM on April 1, 2010

MAP
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 AM on April 1, 2010 [12 favorites]

JESUS, ZOMBIES AGAIN? I JUST ATE
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:26 AM on April 1, 2010

TRAVEL TO VOLCANO
posted by shakespeherian at 11:26 AM on April 1, 2010

Zombie Jesus is likely to be eaten by a grue.
posted by Tin Man at 11:30 AM on April 1, 2010

>YOU STAND BEFORE THE MOUTH OF THE SHADOWY VALLY OF FLAGS. A BUTTERFLY PASSES IN FRONT OF YOU. *ZWANG!* FROM ABOVE A FLAG ARROW HITS THE BUTTERFLY FROM AN UNKNOWN PERCH. THREAD CAREFULLY.
posted by The Whelk at 11:31 AM on April 1, 2010

MAKE TAGLINE JOKE
posted by shakespeherian at 11:32 AM on April 1, 2010

Why is it called autoerotic if there are no cars involved?
posted by JgrahamB to thinly veiled excuse to talk about penis at 9:16 AM - 16 answers +
posted by anniecat at 11:33 AM on April 1, 2010

>EAT HAMBURGER

Suddenly... everything is clear. Your way is marked and you proceed, cautiously.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 11:33 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

>METAFILTER: MAKE TAGLINE JOKE
posted by The Whelk at 11:35 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

LOOK AT FAVORITES
posted by shakespeherian at 11:35 AM on April 1, 2010

> YOU HAVE ONE FAVORITE
posted by The Whelk at 11:36 AM on April 1, 2010

POINT OUT JOKE TO THREAD
posted by shakespeherian at 11:37 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

> A FAVORITE IS NOT A THING YOU CAN USE. IT IS NOT AN AXE OR A LUTE OR A BOOKMARK. IT GLOWS. IT SHINES. IT MAKES YOU HAPPY. YOU PUT THE FAVORITE AWAY.
posted by The Whelk at 11:37 AM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

>YOU STAND INSIDE THE FOREST SWAMP OF SERIOUS BIDNESS. IT IS VERY DARK. THE SOUND OF ZITHERS FLOAT IN THE AIR. CAREFUL, THERE ARE RUMORS OF LAUGHING OUT LOUD RATS ABOUT.
posted by The Whelk at 11:39 AM on April 1, 2010

DECLAW CAT
posted by shakespeherian at 11:41 AM on April 1, 2010

> YOU HAZ NO PLIER. SRSLY..
posted by The Whelk at 11:42 AM on April 1, 2010

RE-CLAW CAT BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY? LAUGH OUT LOUD RATS ARE SERIOUS BIDNESS.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:42 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

>EAT TATERS

Confusion descends.

You are lost.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 11:43 AM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

GET IMPACT FONT
posted by shakespeherian at 11:44 AM on April 1, 2010

>A LAUGH OUT LOUD RAT APPEARS!
posted by The Whelk at 11:44 AM on April 1, 2010

USE STICK
posted by shakespeherian at 11:47 AM on April 1, 2010

WEIRDEN RAT
posted by Mister_A at 11:48 AM on April 1, 2010

>THIS STICK, IT VIBRATES.
posted by The Whelk at 11:48 AM on April 1, 2010

>RAT DEMANDS YOU TELL A RAUNCHY JOKE EVEN YOUR GRANDMOTHER WOULD LIKE.
posted by The Whelk at 11:49 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

SOMEONE HAS GIVEN YOU A BANJO. USE BANJO?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:49 AM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

USE VIBRATING STICK TO BEAT RAT OFF
posted by shakespeherian at 11:52 AM on April 1, 2010

RETHINK PHRASE "BEAT RAT OFF."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:53 AM on April 1, 2010 [12 favorites]

STICK WITH WORDING AS-IS
posted by shakespeherian at 11:55 AM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

REFLOW CAT
posted by crysflame at 11:55 AM on April 1, 2010

> RAT LEAVES, EVENTUALLY. PLAY CELEBRATORY SONG ON BANJO?
posted by The Whelk at 11:58 AM on April 1, 2010

CAT IS BORED OUT. PERFORMANCE INCREASES SLIGHTLY, HOWEVER, YOU FAIL YOUR SMOG CHECK. LOSE TWO TURNS.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 11:58 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

PLAY BANJO
posted by shakespeherian at 11:59 AM on April 1, 2010

>YOU PLAY: RAGTIME COVER OF PUNCH EM IN THE DICK.

SUDDENLY THE SWAMP SHAKES!
posted by The Whelk at 12:00 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

GET FEDORA
posted by shakespeherian at 12:03 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

>THE FEDORA SOFTENS YOUR FALL AS THE SWAMP SWALLOWS YOU INTO THE MIRE OF METATALK.
posted by The Whelk at 12:03 PM on April 1, 2010

REMOVE THREAD FROM RECENT ACTIVITY
posted by oinopaponton at 12:04 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

SEARCH METATALK
posted by shakespeherian at 12:05 PM on April 1, 2010

>COO COO KACHOO
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 12:05 PM on April 1, 2010

>IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING SPECIFIC. MAYBE IF YOU HAD A GOOGLE.
posted by The Whelk at 12:06 PM on April 1, 2010

>YOUR CALL SUMMONS A LESSER THREAD FISH. IT HAS THE FACE OF FRANK SINATRA. IT IS NOT PLEASED.
posted by The Whelk at 12:06 PM on April 1, 2010

USE CAMERA
posted by shakespeherian at 12:10 PM on April 1, 2010

REMOVE FISH FROM PANTS.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:11 PM on April 1, 2010

>FISH POSES AS YOU TAKE A SNAP "Tweet that to your facebooks on internet!" says the fish. "Be sure you tag me!" The fish beckons you to follow him deeper.
posted by The Whelk at 12:12 PM on April 1, 2010

FOLLOW FISH
posted by shakespeherian at 12:13 PM on April 1, 2010

Someday when I am a famous movie producer I'm going to make a live-action Where The Red Fern Grows with anthropomorphic CGI hound dogs (voiced by Queen Latifah and Cedric the Entertainer) who have rollicking adventures chasing ROBOT RACCOONS and cracking wise IN SPACE. In a minor deviation from the source material, the film will end with a wacky all-animal dance number set to an exclusive cover of the Beach Boys' "Fun Fun Fun," as performed by special musical guests the Black Eyed Peas.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 12:16 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

Thank god it's not having anything to do with Comic Sans, wouldn't want to force naysayers to add vitriol to their meh.
posted by Feisty at 12:19 PM on April 1, 2010

USE <tt>TELETYPE TAG</tt> TO MAKE JOKE MORE EFFECTIVE
posted by koeselitz at 12:21 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Huh. So I just found out it's impossible to disable your account today. It'll let you get to the confirmation, but when you click through, it does nothing. =\
posted by Eideteker at 12:23 PM on April 1, 2010 [8 favorites]

> END GAME

GAME CANNOT BE ENDED.
posted by The Whelk at 12:24 PM on April 1, 2010

PLUGH
posted by nickmark at 12:25 PM on April 1, 2010

Hey Eideteker's ri
posted by Horace Rumpole at 12:26 PM on April 1, 2010

ATTACK ACCOUNT
posted by shakespeherian at 12:26 PM on April 1, 2010

> BEAN PLATE
posted by iamabot at 12:29 PM on April 1, 2010

YOU ARE NOW A PLATE OF BEANS. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
posted by The Whelk at 12:31 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Huh. So I just found out it's impossible to disable your account today. It'll let you get to the confirmation, but when you click through, it does nothing. =\

AGGRAVATED MODS WILL BE AGGRAVATED
posted by zarq at 12:32 PM on April 1, 2010

Matt should have redone the site to look like 4chan and brought back the image tag TODAY ONLY.

Come to think of it, I'd like a greasemonky script to turn the blue into 4Chan's format (Description, followed by comments where replies go). Just to see what 4chan would be like if they had a $5 fee and a soul.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:56 PM on April 1, 2010

EAT BEANS
posted by Mister_A at 12:57 PM on April 1, 2010

OVERTHINK SELF
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:01 PM on April 1, 2010

YOU PERFORM MENTAL SELF-CANNIBALISM. DISCOVER RULE 34 LOOPHOLE AND ENTER THE WARP ZONE
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on April 1, 2010

GO TO WORLD 7
posted by shakespeherian at 1:03 PM on April 1, 2010

> YOU ARE ON A PLATFORM. THERE IS A BOX FLASHING "?" ABOVE YOU. TO YOUR RIGHT IS A HUGE PIPE. THE CLOUDS SEEM SMALL AND ODDLY SIMILAR.
posted by The Whelk at 1:07 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

EXAMINE BUSH.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:11 PM on April 1, 2010

The joke is on me, for reading this far down in the thread.
posted by davejay at 1:13 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

HAVE SEX WITH PIPE
posted by item at 1:19 PM on April 1, 2010

> A GIGANTIC CARNIVOROUS PLANT APPEARS AND CONSUMES YOU. YOU BLINK OUT OF EXISTANCE AFTER HORRIFYING TORMENT TO ONLY TO RETURN TO WHERE YOU WERE. THIS RAISES HARROWING METAPHYSICAL IMPLICATIONS
posted by The Whelk at 1:22 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

YOU MAKE SWEET GENTLE LOVE TO THE PIPE. HOWEVER, IF YOU HAD SEEN MY LIFE AS A DOG, YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THIS DOES NOT END WELL. *SECTION DELETED DUE TO NINTENDO GAMEPLAY GUIDELINES* YOU DIE. HORRIBLY AND IN BODY-WRACKING PAIN. RETRY/QUIT?
posted by 1f2frfbf at 1:24 PM on April 1, 2010

EJECT, BLOW, AND REINSERT CARTRIDGE.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:26 PM on April 1, 2010

>SHARE BLOW Y/N?
posted by The Whelk at 1:28 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

YES.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:36 PM on April 1, 2010

> IT IS A PARTY NOW.
posted by The Whelk at 1:37 PM on April 1, 2010

PUT ON EAGLES RECORD, TALK ABOUT GREAT IDEA FOR A MOVIE STARRING CHEVY CHASE
posted by item at 1:41 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

NAME YOUR CHEVY CHASE VEHICLE "SPIES LIKE USIAN"
posted by romakimmy at 1:44 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

LISTEN TO 8-BIT PINK FLOYD
posted by shakespeherian at 1:45 PM on April 1, 2010

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD LOOK GOOD IN HERE? WOOD PANELLING. SOME FERNS. ONE OF THOSE PENCILS WITH A DIGITAL CLOCK ON TOP. AND A PAIR OF SNEAKERS.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:00 PM on April 1, 2010

>YOU NOW HAVE TWO TIE-DYED BEANBAGS AND A DISCO BALL.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:02 PM on April 1, 2010

DESCRIBE WHY THE EAGLES WERE THE BEST BAND EVER. DESCRIBE AGAIN. DESCRIBE AGAIN< USING EVEN BIGGER CAPS.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:03 PM on April 1, 2010

> THE MUSIC ENDS AND YOU AWAKEN IN A BEAN BAG CHAIR IN SOMEBODY'S LIVING ROOM. YOU STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER WHO AND WHERE YOU ARE WHEN YOU NOTICE THE CEILING. IT'S PURPLE. WHO WOULD PAINT THEIR CEILING PURPLE? THE ROOM IS EMPTY SAVE YOU, A LAPTOP, SOME FERNS, A FULL ASHTRAY, AN NES CONNECTED TO A B&W TV, PILES OF MICROWAVE PIZZA BOXES, SOILED HOODIES, AND A RUG.

THE RUG REALLY TIES THE ROOM TOGETHER
posted by The Whelk at 2:04 PM on April 1, 2010 [9 favorites]

*SNOOOOORRRRRRT*
posted by From Bklyn at 2:04 PM on April 1, 2010

DESCRIBE WHY THE EAGLES WERE THE BEST BAND EVER. DESCRIBE AGAIN. DESCRIBE AGAIN< USING EVEN BIGGER CAPS.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:05 PM on April 1, 2010

The best April 1 joke of all time would be to remove all bans on banned users for a day. Every SEO?Spammer or flame out member allowed back in for 24 hours.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:05 PM on April 1, 2010

GET EMPLOYMENT
posted by shakespeherian at 2:06 PM on April 1, 2010

> EMPLOYMENT NOT FOUND. BUMMER.
posted by The Whelk at 2:08 PM on April 1, 2010

GET GIRLFRIEND
posted by shakespeherian at 2:09 PM on April 1, 2010

> UNKNOWN COMMAND. DO YOU MEAN GET VAMPERELLA POSTER?
posted by The Whelk at 2:11 PM on April 1, 2010

MASTURBATE LANGUIDLY
posted by shakespeherian at 2:12 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

GET TYSBURG ADDRESS

posted by qvantamon at 2:13 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

> YOU NOW HAVE A TYSBURG ADDRESS.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:19 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

> A QUICK LOOK AT YOUR MAIL SAYS THAT YOU ARE A S. FILMORE WHO LIVES AT 340 COMMERICAL ST, TYSBURG PA. YOU ARE ALSO BEHIND ON YOUR GAS BILL. THERE MIGHT BE A CAT, BUT YOU DON'T SEE ONE. THE TV SWITCHES ITSELF ON.
posted by The Whelk at 2:27 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

SUMMON POLTERGEIST
posted by shakespeherian at 2:28 PM on April 1, 2010

> YOU ARE NOW COVERED IN ECTOPLASM
posted by The Whelk at 2:31 PM on April 1, 2010

DO NOT WASH FACE IN BATHROOM NO MATTER WHAT DO NOT DO THIS
posted by prefpara at 2:34 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

FORGET TO HEED PREVIOUS ADVICE, WASH FACE IN BATHROOM
posted by Think_Long at 2:38 PM on April 1, 2010

> SUP DAWG, WE HEARD YOU LIKE INTERACTIVE FICTION, SO WE PUT INTERACTIVE FICTION IN YO METAFILTER SO YOU CAN_
posted by Deathalicious at 2:39 PM on April 1, 2010

> OH DEAR GOD THE BATHROOM
posted by The Whelk at 2:40 PM on April 1, 2010

YOU NOTICE A TROUBLESOME WELT AND DECIDE THE ONLY REASONABLE COURSE OF ACTION IS THE REMOVAL OF ALL FLESH FROM YOUR SKULL
posted by anazgnos at 2:41 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

HAVE SEX WITH WELT
posted by item at 2:43 PM on April 1, 2010

> GOZER IS IN YOUR ICEBOX
posted by romakimmy at 2:43 PM on April 1, 2010

> HE SAYS YOU'RE OUT OF MILK
posted by The Whelk at 2:44 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

>TWINKLE FINGERS ON HIGHEST PIANO KEYS
>THEY HATE THAT
posted by anazgnos at 2:46 PM on April 1, 2010

HAVE SEX WITH GOZER
posted by item at 2:47 PM on April 1, 2010

> GET BEER
posted by geckoinpdx at 2:47 PM on April 1, 2010

YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE, DON'T FEEL BAD
posted by Think_Long at 2:47 PM on April 1, 2010

> ARE YOU THE KEY MASTER?
posted by The Whelk at 2:48 PM on April 1, 2010

> THE BEER IS WARM AND TASTES LIKE CHIHUAHUA PEE. WATERY CHIHUAHUA PEE
posted by The Whelk at 2:48 PM on April 1, 2010

> DROP PBR
posted by geckoinpdx at 2:50 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

HAVE SEX WITH RICK MORANIS
posted by item at 2:50 PM on April 1, 2010

SORRY, HE'S RETIRED, DAVE THOMAS IS AVAILABLE AND WILLING HOWEVER
posted by anazgnos at 2:53 PM on April 1, 2010

THE GUY FROM WENDY'S?

DROP HOT N' JUICY JOKE
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:55 PM on April 1, 2010

GIVE PBR TO DAVE THOMAS
posted by geckoinpdx at 2:56 PM on April 1, 2010

> DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT N' JUICY
posted by The Whelk at 2:56 PM on April 1, 2010

> SIGN NON-ALIGNMENT PACT WITH DAVE THOMAS
posted by Eideteker at 2:58 PM on April 1, 2010

> DAVE THOMAS ALIGNMENT: CHAOTIC CANADIAN
posted by The Whelk at 2:59 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

SUMMON BEER
posted by geckoinpdx at 3:02 PM on April 1, 2010

> LARGE ANTHROPOMORPHIC BEER CAN SMASHES THROUGH WALL
posted by The Whelk at 3:03 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

>DAVE THOMAS IS UNREACHABLE.
>IF DAVE STILL REQUIRED CHOOSE FROM FOLLOWING LIST OF DAVES
>DAVE COULIER
>DAVE FOLEY
>DAVE LETTERMAN
posted by angeline at 3:04 PM on April 1, 2010

LIST: DAVES I KNOW
posted by anazgnos at 3:07 PM on April 1, 2010 [7 favorites]

> DAVE BARRY
posted by The Whelk at 3:08 PM on April 1, 2010

POKE FUN AT LIFE'S LITTLE FOIBLES
posted by Think_Long at 3:13 PM on April 1, 2010

> DAVE GAHAN
posted by Nothing... and like it at 3:16 PM on April 1, 2010

>DAVEY JONES
posted by Wuggie Norple at 3:22 PM on April 1, 2010

> IT'S THE LAST TRAIN TO CLARKSVILLE, WHAT DO YOU DO?
posted by The Whelk at 3:23 PM on April 1, 2010

> CUE UPSETTING NEWS.
posted by zarq at 3:24 PM on April 1, 2010

> WAIT
posted by Wuggie Norple at 3:24 PM on April 1, 2010

> INV
posted by geckoinpdx at 3:25 PM on April 1, 2010

>

MILK BOTTLE FULL OF BEER
DISCO BALL
ROACH
ECTOPLASM GLOB
LINT
DAVE FOLEY (powdered form)
posted by The Whelk at 3:28 PM on April 1, 2010

>MAKE TRAIN RESERVATION
>MEET YOU THERE
>FOUR THIRTY OR BUST
posted by angeline at 3:29 PM on April 1, 2010

COPY PROTECTION WARNING: TO CONTINUE THE GAME, PLEASE ENTER THE THIRD WORD ON PAGE 34 ON THE USER MANUAL.

posted by qvantamon at 3:31 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

>THE
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:32 PM on April 1, 2010

Alphabet Thread\

"A" you're adorable,
"B" you're so beautiful,
"C" you're a cutie full of charms.
"D" you're a darling and
"E" you're exciting
And "F" you're a feather in my arms.
"G" you look good to me,
"H" you're so heavenly,
"I" you're the one I idolize.
"J" we're like Jack and Jill,
"K" you're so kissable,
"L" is the lovelight in your eyes.

M
N
O
P... I could go on all day!
Q
R
S
T... alphabetically speaking, you're OK.

U made my life complete
"V" means you're very sweet,
W
X
Y
Zee!

Oh, it's fun to wander through
the alphabet with you
To tell you
what you mean to me.....

/Alphabet Thread

posted by zarq at 3:33 PM on April 1, 2010

RELIQUARY!
posted by The Whelk at 3:33 PM on April 1, 2010

E N D O F L I N E _
posted by The Whelk at 3:44 PM on April 1, 2010

user@xkcd> whoami

posted by sleslie at 4:09 PM on April 1, 2010

THROW HOLY HAND GRENADE. ONE... TWO... FIVE...
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:15 PM on April 1, 2010

ALSO: WHAT IS WITH THAT INTRO TO "VERTIGO." BONO REALLY CAN'T COUNT. ONE! TWO! THREE! FOURTEEN!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:15 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

> ATH0
posted by geckoinpdx at 4:29 PM on April 1, 2010

Nadhani tembo tu alichukua shit juu yenu.
posted by spherical_perceptions at 4:46 PM on April 1, 2010

DISCUSS THE DIFFICULTY OF MAKING JOKES IN THE IMPERATIVE
posted by shakespeherian at 4:47 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

NO CARRIER
posted by loquacious at 4:49 PM on April 1, 2010

CLEESH
posted by 40 Watt at 4:49 PM on April 1, 2010

Original text:

"Does MetaFilter do anything special for April Fools?"

...25 translations later we get:

"Metadata and a series of special smile?"

(via Bad Translator)
posted by Wuggie Norple at 4:50 PM on April 1, 2010

2010 - nothing happened. discussion.
posted by The Whelk at 4:51 PM on April 1, 2010

We had many grand ideas but none of them seemed spot-on bound to delight without a healthy helping of GRAR along with it. Maybe we can brainstorm for next year's idea?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:58 PM on April 1, 2010

Man, this is killing me. I checked it out at midnight, couldn't figure it out, spent all day slammed, and now I've killed like 2 hours being too dumb to figure it out.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 5:12 PM on April 1, 2010

How hard is it to make sounds play automatically when you load a webpage these days? I was thinking an audio version of the colour change - some annoying music (or just a tone or the sound of a phone ringing) that starts silent, and very very gradually fades up to an audible volume.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 5:14 PM on April 1, 2010

YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER! YOU ARE A BIG SCARY SNORT!
posted by slogger at 5:59 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

Weirdly, EoI, that's exactly what we were thinking of.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:04 PM on April 1, 2010

I like the idea of the IMG tag coming back in one thread and one thread only for only 12 hours. if it doesn't create havoc on security, of course.

Also, I would like power of life or death over users for one day. You know, for shits n' giggles.
posted by The Whelk at 6:14 PM on April 1, 2010

Mostly for shits though, right?
posted by item at 6:20 PM on April 1, 2010

thousands of little poops.
posted by The Whelk at 6:26 PM on April 1, 2010

Okay, putting SERIOUS HAT ON: This whole fun Interactive Fiction Thread (which I got to cause every. single. one. of my meetings got canceled cause I - like everyone else, wanted to take a walk in the park today) has got me thinking. Maybe a game that offers itself to logged in users. Not something you could make in a month but if you had a whole year, totally. Cause the real fun in these adventure/IF games isn't completing the story it's trying out lots of weird shit to get funny responses or unexpected jokes. They're pretty much made of easter eggs, so maybe take a page from Fallout 3 and have one main story quest you could finish in like 10 minutes if you wanted to and go "heh, that was a thing." but have, and this is my only original idea here, the rest of it open to member editing so they could fill out side stuff and in-jokes and what if someone types "Sex chair" or whatever. Why not source that out to someone who wants to help but only has like, 15 minutes. He could write a joke for if and when you type "Sex Chair" into the game.

So in conclusion Metafilter is a land of many contrasts.
posted by The Whelk at 6:31 PM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

The best April Fools joke this year was the release of the new version of Dwarf Fortress.

It has been over a year since the original estimated release date, and suddenly on April first the website is redesigned and the new version is released... And there's no trick. It's entirely genuine! It took me about half an hour to realize it was for real.
posted by Stove at 6:41 PM on April 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

so, having said that




REPLAY?
posted by The Whelk at 6:43 PM on April 1, 2010

hello?
posted by unknowncommand at 6:44 PM on April 1, 2010

hello world
posted by The Whelk at 6:46 PM on April 1, 2010

PLAY
posted by shakespeherian at 6:49 PM on April 1, 2010

♩ DUH DA DUN DUM DAH DAH DUH DAH ♫
posted by The Whelk at 6:51 PM on April 1, 2010

I was thinking an audio version of the colour change - some annoying music (or just a tone or the sound of a phone ringing) that starts silent, and very very gradually fades up to an audible volume.

I did this to myself yesterday by opening Owl Cam in one tab and then clicking to another tab and forgetting about it. Tiny rustlings and barely audible squeaklets in a quiet house. Is there a mouse in the wall? Did a bug get into a weird spot and is making weirdly amplified noises? Must search whole room, under computer, etc. Took me probably 15 minutes of on and off searching to figure it out.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:53 PM on April 1, 2010 [6 favorites]

GO NORTH.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:59 PM on April 1, 2010

inv
posted by geckoinpdx at 7:04 PM on April 1, 2010

> You are in a maze of twisty threads all alike

GO NORTH

North is a series of doors in different colors.

INV.

ONE FAVORITE
ONE FLAG
A TATER
A CAMERA
A PONY FIGURINE


posted by The Whelk at 7:05 PM on April 1, 2010

Did I show everyone my owlcam ytmnd?

it's like a joke
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:07 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

LOOK AT GREEN DOOR
posted by shakespeherian at 7:12 PM on April 1, 2010

>THE GREEN DOOR IS COVERED IN A RUGGED PATCHWORK OF GRAFTTI, NOTES AND CARVED MESSAGES. EACH ONE SEEMS TO ASK A QUESTION, SO MANY PEOPLE LOOKING. THERE ARE A FEW HELPFUL POST -ITS AND A DIRTY LIMERICK ABOUT SOMEONE CALLED ANONYMOUS
posted by The Whelk at 7:15 PM on April 1, 2010

WHAT IS BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR
posted by shakespeherian at 7:17 PM on April 1, 2010

Open door
posted by geckoinpdx at 7:18 PM on April 1, 2010

> BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR IS A SEETHING MASS OF NAKED HUMANITY, A WALL OF BODIES SCREAMING, CHATTERING, AND COMFORTING. A LONE FIGURE STANDS UP AND SCREAMS "DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER!" A LARGER GROUP IS COMPARING VARIOUS LENGTHS OF STRING. IT IS INHUMANLY LOUD AND HOT INSIDE.
posted by The Whelk at 7:19 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

So did anyone figure out if there was a joke this year?
posted by cjorgensen at 7:24 PM on April 1, 2010

DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:25 PM on April 1, 2010

WATCH BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR
posted by shakespeherian at 7:26 PM on April 1, 2010

You STILL haven't noticed the joke?
posted by qvantamon at 7:32 PM on April 1, 2010

Never had you figured for a Doors fan.
posted by waraw at 7:40 PM on April 1, 2010

Is this the end of the comedy rainbow?
posted by halcyon_daze at 7:55 PM on April 1, 2010

CIRCUMCISE CONSERVATIVE THERAPIST
posted by geckoinpdx at 7:59 PM on April 1, 2010

The joke is extraordinarily subtle.
posted by ambient2 at 9:14 PM on April 1, 2010

So, if we can talk about Lady Gaga and I know you WANT TO, she came up again at the Local Bar and I said I'm really sad we don't have Batman The Animated Series anymore cause I would totally watch an episode celebrity-guest appearance with her as a mass-mind hypnotizing supervillian that Batman has to fight against her powerful hypnosis music.

I mean c'mon, she's halfway to batman villain already and we could get a new Batman-specific song.It would be ossum possum.
posted by The Whelk at 9:22 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

The Whelk, I am developing a bit of a crush on you.
posted by ottereroticist at 9:57 PM on April 1, 2010

Lady Gaga will be a forgotten novelty act in a year and a half. I'll fight ANYONE who claims she is anyway a talented or significant "artist". SHE WILL BE EXTER-MIN-A-TED.
posted by vrakatar at 10:17 PM on April 1, 2010

Let the fighting commence. BUT FIRST: MARGARITAS
posted by shakespeherian at 10:19 PM on April 1, 2010

one two three four kitchen door wooden floor manticore film noir.
posted by davejay at 10:42 PM on April 1, 2010

Batman songs already done Sun Ra.
Also: Family Circus.
posted by zoinks at 2:45 AM on April 2, 2010

You guys really fooled me. Just don't do it again.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:48 AM on April 2, 2010

Original text:

"BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR IS A SEETHING MASS OF NAKED HUMANITY, A WALL OF BODIES SCREAMING, CHATTERING, AND COMFORTING. A LONE FIGURE STANDS UP AND SCREAMS "DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER!" A LARGER GROUP IS COMPARING VARIOUS LENGTHS OF STRING. "

...25 translations later we get:

"The people on the wall behind the green door, shouting offensive and abstract institutional talk and relax. Like a hole in the ass "prison for trying to" sound! "We have taken place."
posted by desjardins at 5:56 AM on April 2, 2010

one two three four kitchen door wooden floor manticore film noir.

>MAKE PEDANTIC COMMENT RE: PRONOUNCIATION OF NOIR

posted by Sys Rq at 8:29 AM on April 2, 2010

>START PUNK BAND CALLED THE PEDANTIC COMMENTS
posted by generichuman at 9:06 AM on April 2, 2010

> GO BACK TO WOOD-PANELED ROOM FOR IMPROMPTU PUNK SHOW.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:17 AM on April 2, 2010

> USE PONY FIGURINE
posted by The Whelk at 10:18 AM on April 2, 2010

> SCORE
posted by nobody at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2010

> WAKE UP NEXT TO PONY FIGURINE, STIFLE SHOCK, MUMBLE EMBARRASSED EXCUSE ABOUT HAVING TO GET TO WORK AND LEAVE HURRIEDLY
posted by koeselitz at 11:03 AM on April 2, 2010

 > GUY LAFLEUR!!!!

posted by not_on_display at 11:15 AM on April 2, 2010

> YOU CANNOT USE A GUY ON LAFLEUR
posted by The Whelk at 11:53 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

lobster lobster lobster
posted by From Bklyn at 12:23 PM on April 2, 2010

> LOBSTERING THE LOBSTER'S LOBSTER PRODUCES A KEY. ALSO BISQUE
posted by The Whelk at 12:37 PM on April 2, 2010

EXAMINE KEY
posted by geckoinpdx at 12:43 PM on April 2, 2010

> THE KEY IS A SMALL IRON THING, POSSIBLY FOR A CLOCK OR DOLL. THE WORDS "MATT" ARE BARELY READABLE ON THE SIDE
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on April 2, 2010

LOOK
posted by geckoinpdx at 12:51 PM on April 2, 2010

SHOW ME ON THE PONY FIGURINE WHERE HE TOUCHED YOU
posted by anotherpanacea at 12:59 PM on April 2, 2010

FIND LEDERHOSEN.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:04 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

> THE PONY ISN'T WEARING LEDERHOSEN.

posted by Sys Rq at 1:23 PM on April 2, 2010

FEED BISQUE TO PONY
posted by geckoinpdx at 1:37 PM on April 2, 2010

> THE PONY IS VEGAN.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:39 PM on April 2, 2010

> FEED PONY TO BISQUE
posted by koeselitz at 1:42 PM on April 2, 2010

We had many grand ideas but none of them seemed spot-on bound to delight without a healthy helping of GRAR along with it. Maybe we can brainstorm for next year's idea?

Granted there would be GRAR, but next year just hide everyone's comments from themselves. That, or make invert everyone's favorites display so that, to themselves only, their favorites show up as not-favorites and everything else appears to have been favorited by them.
posted by davejay at 2:01 PM on April 2, 2010

> MAKE INVERT
posted by davejay at 2:02 PM on April 2, 2010

> YOU HAVE INVERTED THE PONY, YOU FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN NOW?
posted by The Whelk at 2:06 PM on April 2, 2010

> REFER PONY TO THERAPIST
posted by geckoinpdx at 2:11 PM on April 2, 2010

>LOOK AROUND YOU
posted by The Whelk at 2:17 PM on April 2, 2010

> JUST LOOK AROUND YOU
posted by not_on_display at 2:20 PM on April 2, 2010 [4 favorites]

> WHERE AM I
posted by geckoinpdx at 2:22 PM on April 2, 2010

> HAVE YOU WORKED OUT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR?

> _

> CORRECT -- THE ANSWER IS MATHS!
posted by not_on_display at 2:22 PM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

>Sacré Charlemagne
posted by Sailormom at 4:10 PM on April 2, 2010

> EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN CRY/SCREAM/FAIL?
posted by The Whelk at 4:11 PM on April 2, 2010

> DETAIL BREAKDOWN ON MYTWITBOOK
posted by geckoinpdx at 4:21 PM on April 2, 2010

> GET GROUP HUG, FAVORITE, HANDJOB
posted by The Whelk at 4:28 PM on April 2, 2010

RETURN HANDJOB FOR MORE FAVORITES.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:30 PM on April 2, 2010

>HANDJOBS CAN ONLY BE RETURNED FOR STORE CREDIT
posted by The Whelk at 4:30 PM on April 2, 2010

ENTER JERK STORE
posted by Sys Rq at 4:33 PM on April 2, 2010

> THEY ARE OUT OF YOU
posted by The Whelk at 4:35 PM on April 2, 2010

> WITH HAMMER
posted by geckoinpdx at 5:02 PM on April 2, 2010

> GOD YOU GUYS I AM TRYING TO DRAW LADY GAGA LIKE HOW BRUCE HIM WOULD HAVE DRAWN HER AND IT IS TOTALLY HARD AND TAKES ALL DAY GOD
posted by The Whelk at 8:49 PM on April 2, 2010

THERE IS NO GOD HERE
posted by not_on_display at 8:54 PM on April 2, 2010

>ADD GOD
posted by The Whelk at 9:22 PM on April 2, 2010

> oh shit it is Pan oh god
posted by The Whelk at 9:22 PM on April 2, 2010

> GET PANFLUTE
posted by geckoinpdx at 5:05 AM on April 3, 2010

> THAT'S NO FLUTE
posted by The Whelk at 7:21 AM on April 3, 2010

> RUN JOKE INTO GROUND
posted by geckoinpdx at 2:30 PM on April 3, 2010

THAT IS NOT THE GROUND. THAT IS THE LIVE WIRE. YOU DIE.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:34 PM on April 3, 2010

> YOU HAVE ENTERED : THE AFTER LIFE
posted by The Whelk at 3:36 PM on April 3, 2010

> I
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:54 PM on April 3, 2010

SIZZLE
posted by Sys Rq at 4:11 PM on April 3, 2010

> LOOK
posted by geckoinpdx at 7:47 PM on April 3, 2010

> YOUR VISION IS A BIT HAZY FROM THE TRIP, BUT YOU CAN CERTAINLY MAKE OUT THAT THE AFTERLIFE HAS A REMARKABLY CALMING GRAY BACKGROUND. YOU FEEL A SENSE OF 102,102,102 AT YOUR FINGERTIPS. YOU FEEL #666666 IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH. YOU FEEL 40%/40%/40% ALL OVER. IN THE LOWER-LEFT CORNER OF YOUR FIELD OF VISION YOU SEE YOUR TRUSTY COLORIX EYEDROPPER. IT SAYS IT LOVES YOU. A ROUGH, HAND-PAINTED SIGN THRUSTS UP FROM THE GROUND: "DEITIES APPROACH -- HANDLE WITH CARE." YOU HEAR A MOOG SYNTHESIZER IN THE DISTANCE TO THE NORTH. EXITS ARE: EVERYWHERE?
posted by nobody at 7:47 AM on April 4, 2010

> CHANGE LAYER
posted by The Whelk at 8:11 AM on April 4, 2010

YOU ARE NOW SEMI-TRANSPARENT. YOU SEE YOUR ♥

posted by SpookyFish at 10:58 AM on April 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

> YOU GRAB THE INCREASINGLY PANICKED HEN BY THE THROAT BUT SHE SLIPS OUT OF YOUR GRASP BEFORE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU'D REGRET. YOU FEEL A PANG OF CONSCIENCE. THE HEN LOOKS UP AT YOU, COCKING HER HEAD SHARPLY TO ONE SIDE. "CLUCK CLUCK!" AS SHE WADDLES AWAY YOU NOTICE SHE HAS LEFT YOU A VERY ANGRY EGG.
posted by nobody at 11:00 AM on April 4, 2010

>CRACK EGG
posted by The Whelk at 11:17 AM on April 4, 2010

> YOU SNAP THE "DEITIES APPROACH" SIGN WITH A SWIFT KICK TO ITS MIDSECTION AND USE YOUR TEETH TO GNAW THE POST DOWN INTO A SHARP PIKE. YOU RAGE. FILLED WITH THE BRUTAL SATISFACTION OF SUCCESSFUL HANDIWORK, YOU RAGE. YOU SMASH THE MAKESHIFT WEAPON DOWN THROUGH THE SMALL, PERFECT EGG AND ITS SHELL SPLITS OPEN WITH LITTLE RESISTANCE. ON YOUR BOOTS ARE SMALL FLECKS OF BLOOD. YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HEARD A TINY-THROATED CHIRP. AT YOUR FEET, SURROUNDED BY TINY EGGSHELL SHARDS, IS THE CUTEST LITTLE DYING CHICKADEE YOU EVER DID SEE. IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU SHOVE THE BROKEN SIGNPOST BACK INTO THE GROUND. YOU HOPE NO ONE WAS LOOKING. YOU MAY NEED TO SIT DOWN FOR A SPELL.
posted by nobody at 12:29 PM on April 4, 2010

>COMFORT CHICKADEE. CHECK EYEDROPPER FOR WATER OF LIFE. DROP 3 DROPS OF WATER OF LIFE INTO CHICKADEE'S MOUTH.
posted by The Whelk at 12:39 PM on April 4, 2010

> WHILE OCCASIONALLY THE WORLD APPEARS TO BE A MAGICAL PLACE, MOST OFTEN THOSE ARE MOMENTS OF BLISSFUL DELUSION. BUT, YES, BABY CHICKEN IS MOSTLY ALL BETTER NOW. BABY CHICKEN HOPS OVER ON ITS ONE UNMANGLED LEG AND COOS UP AT YOU A BIT BEFORE TILTING OVER. THIS IS ENDEARING! BABY CHICKEN IS A SURVIVOR! BABY CHICKEN GETS UP AGAIN AND STARES AT YOU EXPECTANTLY. BABY CHICKEN HAS SOMETHING IN ITS MALFORMED BEAK? THE STRAINS OF MOOG SYNTHESIZER IN THE DISTANCE SHIFT TO A MORE HOPEFUL CHORD.
posted by nobody at 12:53 PM on April 4, 2010

> NAME CHICKEN "BUNNY". EXAMINE BEAK.
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on April 4, 2010

> YOU POKE YOUR LITTLEST FINGER INTO BUNNY'S BEAK AND PULL OUT TWO DELICATE SLIPS OF PAPER. THE FIRST: "YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE." THE SECOND: "PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU." YOUR FINGER IS MOIST.
posted by nobody at 2:23 PM on April 4, 2010

> EAT PAPER SLIPS
posted by The Whelk at 2:29 PM on April 4, 2010

> YOU TAKE THE TWO PAPER SLIPS AND SMOOTH THEM OUT BEFORE PROCEEDING. YOU ARE VERY METHODICAL. THERE IS FINE PRINT RUNNING ALONG THE BOTTOM OF EACH WHICH YOU FAILED TO NOTICE BEFORE: "PLEASE DO NOT DISCARD. THIS PAPER MAY PROVE USEFUL." YOU SHRUG YOUR SHOULDERS AND POP ONE AFTER THE OTHER INTO YOUR RAVENOUS MAW AS YOU THINK ABOUT THE PHRASE "RAVENOUS MAW" AND HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THE PHRASE "RAVENOUS MAW." YOU ARE STILL HUNGRY.
posted by nobody at 6:01 PM on April 4, 2010

> PICK UP BUNNY. EXAMINE MOOG
posted by The Whelk at 6:06 PM on April 4, 2010

> BUNNY LOOKS RELIEVED AS YOU PLACE HER BROKEN BIRDY BODY ON YOUR SHOULDER. "CHEEP! CHEEP!" YOU STARE NORTHWARD TOWARD THE HOPEFUL STRAINS OF MOOG SYNTHESIZER BUT FAIL TO DISCERN ANYTHING CLEARLY THROUGH THE 40% GRAY FOG. MAYBE A LARGE SHADOW? MAYBE AS TALL AS A MOUNTAIN BUT AS NARROW AS A MAN? YOU MIGHT BE IMAGINING THINGS. BUNNY IS PECKING AT YOUR CLAVICLE. YOU ARE BLEEDING, BUT JUST A LITTLE BIT.
posted by nobody at 6:42 PM on April 4, 2010

>DRINK BLOOD FROM WOUND </tt?
posted by The Whelk at 8:07 PM on April 4, 2010

> CLOSE TT TAG
posted by geckoinpdx at 10:03 PM on April 4, 2010

<>
posted by The Whelk at 10:05 PM on April 4, 2010

> YOU ANGLE YOUR FACE DOWN TOWARD YOUR SHOULDER AND TENTATIVELY LICK THE TRICKLE OF BLOOD FROM YOUR CLAVICLE. YUM! LITTLE BABY BUNNY CHICKEN LOOKS PLEASED. YOU FEEL PLEASED. WHY HAVEN'T YOU TRIED THIS BEFORE? YOU LICK RAVENOUSLY. BUNNY PECKS HARDER. YOUR EYES WELL UP WITH TEARS. LITTLE BABY BUNNY CHICKEN HAS PRIED FROM YOUR WOUND ANOTHER TINY SLIP OF PAPER: "WE GOT WHAT WE WANTED NOW GIVE IT US MORE [SIC]." YOU FEEL A LITTLE WOOZY.
posted by nobody at 11:48 PM on April 4, 2010

> EXAMINE PAPER
posted by geckoinpdx at 12:14 AM on April 5, 2010

> Hello, I am Eliza.
posted by not_on_display at 3:58 AM on April 5, 2010

>FEED BLOOD TO BUNNY
posted by The Whelk at 6:09 AM on April 5, 2010

> UPON CLOSER EXAMINATION YOU DISCOVER THAT THIS SLIP OF PAPER HAS FINE PRINT RUNNING ALONG ITS BOTTOM EDGE AS WELL: "HELLO, I AM ELIZA. (EXAMINE PAPER) DON'T YOU EVEN SAY HELLO? (HELLO, I AM ELIZA.) DO YOU ENJOY BEING ELIZA? (FEED BLOOD TO BUNNY) SAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS?" IT IS CLEAR THIS PAPER IS BOTH SENTIENT AND CLAIRVOYANT. THIS MAKES YOU VAGUELY UNCOMFORTABLE. YOU SOAK UP THE REMAINING BLOOD WITH THE SLIP OF PAPER, ROLL THE PAPER UP INTO A TINY PELLET, AND OFFER THE BLOODY ELIZA-PELLET TO BUNNY WHO ACCEPTS IT WITH A RESOUNDING "CLUCK CLUCK." YOUR SCORE HAS INCREASED TREMENDOUSLY! BUNNY HAS MADE A FULL RECOVERY! BUNNY IS NOW A REAL BABY BUNNY! BUNNY THE REAL BABY BUNNY IS PLEASED SHE WILL NO LONGER GROW UP TO BE AN UGLY CHICKEN THING. YOU ARE PLEASED TO HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE. ELIZA IS PLEASED YOU ACCEPTED HER SENTIENCE BUT MAYBE DISPLEASED TO BE INSIDE BABY BUNNY, NO MATTER HOW CUTE AND NOT-MANGLED BABY BUNNY HAS BECOME. "SILLY ELIZA," CLUCKS BABY BUNNY, "YOU WILL ALWAYS BE CLOSE TO OUR HEARTS." BABY BUNNY COVERS HER MOUTH WITH BOTH PAWS AND LOOKS UP AT YOU IN SURPRISE AND EMBARRASSMENT. THERE IS A CRACK IN THE GROUND YOU HADN'T NOTICED BEFORE. IT IS GETTING LARGER. THE MOOG MUSIC REMAINS HOPEFUL.
posted by nobody at 7:32 AM on April 5, 2010

> WONDER WHICH DEITIES ARE APPROACHING. WONDER WHAT ELIZA WAS BEFORE SHE WAS A SLIP OF PAPER INSIDE A TALKING BUNNY. WONDER IF NAMING THINGS MAKES THEM HAPPEN HERE. DESIRE A NON-SENTIENT TURKEY SANDWICH.
posted by The Whelk at 7:57 AM on April 5, 2010

> BUNNY THE REAL BABY BUNNY CLUCKS AT YOU WITH DISAPPROVAL AS YOU STAND AROUND MUTTERING TO YOURSELF. A TREMOR KNOCKS YOU OFF BALANCE. THE "DEITIES APPROACH" SIGN FALLS INTO THE STILL-EXPANDING CRACK. A TURKEY SANDWICH OF INDETERMINATE SENTIENCE FALLS INTO THE STILL-EXPANDING CRACK. A SLIP OF PAPER FLOATS IN FROM SOMEWHERE OR OTHER AND YOU CAN ONLY MAKE OUT THE FIRST BIT OF WRITING BEFORE IT, TOO, FALLS INTO THE STILL-EXPANDING CRACK: "JEEPERS, BE CAREFU--"
posted by nobody at 8:53 AM on April 5, 2010

> GRAB TURKEY SANDWICH, BUNNY, AND SNATCH ANOTHER SLIP OF PAPER FROM THE AIR. WRITE "FORTUNA AVIS BRAVIT" ON THE PAPER AND THEN JUMP INTO THE CRACK.

"OH WELL, AT LEAST FEAR IS NEVER BORING"


posted by The Whelk at 11:26 AM on April 5, 2010

> YOU PLUMMET. YOU, YOUR BUNNY, YOUR SANDWICH, AND YOUR PAPER PLUMMET. IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE IS SCREAMING IN YOUR EAR AND YOU WISH THEY WOULD STOP. THEY STOP. YOU PLUMMET. IT IS ALMOST CALM, YOU THINK, THE SOFT RUSH OF AIR. BUNNY SEEMS TO HAVE PLUCKED A CARROT OUT OF SOMEWHERE OR OTHER AND IS GNAWING IT NONCHALANTLY. YOU ALL PLUMMET. YOUR SANDWICH MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE WORRIED? IT'S PROBABLY JUST A SANDWICH, BUT IF ITS OLIVES WERE EYES AND ITS TOOTHPICKS WERE EYE-STALKS IT SURE WOULD LOOK LIKE A SENTIENT SANDWICH GLARING DOWNWARD TOWARD THE EVER-CLOSER GROUND AND FRIGHTENED OUT OF ITS SENTIENT SANDWICH MIND. SOMEONE IS SCREAMING AGAIN. THE GROUND HITS YOU HARD AND YOU ARE NO LONGER PLUMMETING. THE "DEITIES APPROACH" SIGN CRASHES DOWN, EMBEDDING THE SHARP END OF ITS POLE INTO YOUR SHOULDER. YOU'RE NOT SURE IT'S WORTH REMOVING. IT STILL SAYS "HANDLE WITH CARE." LASTLY, FROM ABOVE, FLUTTERS THAT SLIP OF PAPER YOU NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO READ IN FULL. THE REST OF ITS TEXT?: "--L WHAT YOU WISH FOR."
posted by nobody at 5:13 PM on April 5, 2010

> GET POLE
posted by geckoinpdx at 5:30 PM on April 5, 2010

> YOU ARE ALREADY CARRYING THE SIGNPOST. IT DOESN'T HURT SO MUCH.
posted by nobody at 6:39 PM on April 5, 2010

> COMFORT BUNNY. LEAVE SANDWICH OFF THE SIDE TO SEE IF IT DEVELOPS ANY SIGN OF SENTIENCE. SEARCH POCKETS.
posted by The Whelk at 6:46 PM on April 5, 2010

> SAY : "HELLO?"
posted by The Whelk at 6:46 PM on April 5, 2010

> BUNNY SAYS, "CLUCK."
posted by Sys Rq at 7:14 PM on April 5, 2010

> YOUR BUNNY SHOWS APPRECIATION FOR THE GESTURE BY NIBBLING GENTLY ON YOUR FINGERTIPS. OFF TO THE SIDE NOW, THE SANDWICH'S OLIVE EYES STARE INSCRUTABLY INTO THE DISTANCE. IN YOUR POCKETS YOU FIND SOME TWINE AND A PROBABLY USELESS SET OF KEYS AND ALSO A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT NEED LATER. YOU SAY "HELLO?" AND FROM THE DARKNESS AROUND YOU COMES MANY TINY VOICES, CHIRRUPING IN UNISON: "OOOOOOH!"
posted by nobody at 7:20 PM on April 5, 2010

TEAR OFF SOME TWINE AND TIE IT AROUND THE WRIST "CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL". TEAR OFF ANOTHER, SMALLER BIT AND TIE IT AROUND BUNNY'S PAW. TIE A SHORTER ONE AROUND THE SANDWICH'S OLIVE-TOOTHPICK STALK. SAY: WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?
posted by The Whelk at 7:25 PM on April 5, 2010

> EVERYONE'S SECURE. AND CUTE! A TINY VOICE FROM THE DARKNESS: "MAYBE YOU COULD HELP US FIND OUR FRIEND?" ANOTHER: "UNLESS, YOU KNOW, IT WAS YOU WHO TOOK OUR FRIEND AWAY, IN WHICH CASE WE'RE SURE YOU HAD YOUR REASONS." ANOTHER: "AND ONLY IF IT WOULDN'T BE ANY TROUBLE. IT WOULDN'T BE ANY TROUBLE?" FINALLY, EVEN SMALLER AND MORE NERVOUS THAN THE REST: "BUT WE'RE SORT OF WORRIED ABOUT OUR FRIEND, YOU KNOW?" AS YOU START ADJUSTING TO THE DIM LIGHT YOU CAN MAKE OUT FIFTY OR SO PAIRS OF EYES NO HIGHER THAN A FOOT ABOVE THE GROUND. THEY LOOK UP AT YOU ADMIRINGLY. BUNNY SAYS "CLUCK" A SECOND TIME, WHICH IS A LITTLE DISTURBING COMING FROM WHAT'S TOTALLY A BUNNY NOW AND NOT A BABY CHICKEN YOU MANGLED REALLY BADLY AND HOPEFULLY BY ACCIDENT.
posted by nobody at 8:08 PM on April 5, 2010

>SAY : WHO IS YOUR FRIEND? AND WHERE CAN I FIND HIM?
posted by The Whelk at 9:08 PM on April 5, 2010

> YOU ARE SUDDENLY EXTREMELY DIZZY. IN THE MIDDLE OF SPEAKING YOU COLLAPSE TO THE GROUND. FIFTY OR SO HUMAN BEINGS, EACH NO MORE THAN TWELVE INCHES TALL, SWARM FROM ALL DIRECTIONS AND CLAMBER OVER YOUR BODY IN ORDER TO TAKE TURNS CUPPING THEIR HANDS AND COLLECTING FROM THE THIN RIVULET OF FLUID YOU FAILED TO NOTICE TRICKLING OUT OF YOUR SIGNPOST SHOULDER WOUND. IT REALLY DOESN'T HURT SO MUCH. THEY SAY "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU YUMMY THANK YOU." BUNNY LOOKS JEALOUS. SANDWICH LOOKS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. YOU'VE LOOKED BETTER.
posted by nobody at 7:21 AM on April 6, 2010

> PASS OUT
posted by The Whelk at 10:47 AM on April 6, 2010

^C ^C ^C
LOAD "$",8
posted by not_on_display at 11:03 AM on April 6, 2010

WAKE UP.  MAKE BUNNY FRITTERS.

posted by zarq at 11:49 AM on April 6, 2010

BUNNY DOES NOT ENJOY THE FRITTERS. YOU WEEP IN SILENCE AS YOU HAVE FAILED IN THIS MOST BASIC OF TASKS. THE BUNNY STARTS PLANNING ITS REVENGE.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:41 PM on April 6, 2010

**** You are Dead ****
Your score is 0 out of a possible 163 points, giving you the rank of Tater Supreme.

]░
posted by not_on_display at 8:06 PM on April 6, 2010

( -0 0- )
posted by The Whelk at 8:07 PM on April 6, 2010

> BUNNY, SANDWICH, THE "DEITIES APPROACH -- HANDLE WITH CARE" SIGN, THE BITS OF STRING, THE USELESS KEYS, THE FIFTY OR SO FOOT-TALL IDOLATERS, ANY SLIPS OF PAPER STILL FLUTTERING ABOUT, THE MEDIOCRE FRITTERS, AND ANYONE ELSE WE MAY BE FORGETTING ALL FREEZE IN PLACE, SHOCKED AT YOUR SUDDEN PASSING. YOU CAN HEAR FROM VERY FAR AWAY THE MOOG SYNTHESIZERS SHIFTING TO A PASSABLE DIRGE. BUNNY THE BARELY REAL BUNNY CLUCKS IN AGONY AT HER CLEARLY-MALFORMED-ALL-ALONG BODY, THE CLUCKING ITSELF SENDING HER PULPY WINGS INTO ADDITIONAL SPASMS. SHE PROBABLY MISSES YOU MOST OF ALL, THE POOR BABY BIRDY THING. A THOUSAND SLIPS OF PAPER FLOAT DOWN AND COVER YOU FROM HEAD TO TOE, LEAVING VISIBLE ONLY YOUR PROSTHETIC SIGNPOST THRUSTING FORTH IN ITS OBSTINACY ABOVE THE PAPER SHEETS. THEIR HANDWRITING IS ALL THE SAME: "I AM SO, SO SORRY." YOUR SHOULDER STILL ACHES A BIT. DEITIES APPROACH.
posted by nobody at 9:05 PM on April 6, 2010

Dream Song 78: Op. Posth. no. 1
by John Berryman

Darkened his eye, his wild smile disappeared,
inapprehensible his studies grew,
nourished he less & less
his subject body with good food & rest,
something bizarre about Henry, slowly sheared
off, unlike you & you,

smaller & smaller, till in question stood
his eyeteeth and one block of memories
These were enough for him
implying commands from upstairs & from down,
Walt's ‘orbic flex,’ triads of Hegel would
incorporate, if you please,

into the know-how of the American bard
embarrassed Henry heard himself a-being,
and the younger Stephen Crane
of a powerful memory, of pain,
these stood the ancestors, relaxed & hard,
whilst Henry's parts were fleeing.

posted by koeselitz at 9:42 PM on April 6, 2010

so much depends
upon

a small mail
box

loaded with welcome
leaflet

beside the white
house

>_
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:17 PM on April 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

get mail

man, how often do any of us really 'get' the mail? I mean, think about it. it's, like, mail. it goes to everybody. but do we really 'get' the mail? like, wow, man. Mail.
posted by waraw at 3:24 PM on April 7, 2010

It's like chain mail. It's annoying when it's your aunt sending you pyramid schemes... but when there's an orc attacking you with a sword, it's all you want.
posted by qvantamon at 4:17 PM on April 7, 2010

It's like... mail... man... mailman. I don't 'get' the mail, it 'gets' me cause really, I'm the one that's moving and the mail remains stationary in a relative way. Not like stationery which the mail is like written on hey turn up that song! Is that freedom rock?
posted by not_on_display at 7:28 PM on April 7, 2010