Man Acquitted For Being Naked In Own Kitchen April 8, 2010 11:02 AM   Subscribe

Followup: Remember the man who was arrested for being naked in his kitchen? Not guilty!
posted by MrMoonPie to MetaFilter-Related at 11:02 AM (70 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

*takes off clothes*
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:07 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]


Let freedom ring.
posted by yeti at 11:08 AM on April 8, 2010


A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE!!!
posted by Ogre Lawless at 11:10 AM on April 8, 2010


A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE!!! posted by Ogre Lawless

Eponysterical?
posted by restless_nomad at 11:11 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What a great precedent! I propose we have a nude MeFi Meetup with all the windows open at my house to celebrate!
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:14 AM on April 8, 2010 [8 favorites]


The husband of the complaining woman must be embarrassed - his wife was certainly impressed by what she saw from 83 feet away.
posted by Cranberry at 11:15 AM on April 8, 2010 [12 favorites]


Finally, I'll feel safe to take a shower. My coworkers thank you.
posted by DU at 11:15 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What a great precedent! I propose we have a nude MeFi Meetup with all the windows open at my house to celebrate!
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:14 AM

Great idea. For this trip we won't need to pay extra for luggage.
posted by Cranberry at 11:18 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I literally thought about this just yesterday, as I wandered through my house mostly naked, crouching down to below window level JUST IN CASE.
posted by Stewriffic at 11:22 AM on April 8, 2010


In the case of the Insane Clown Posse vs. Magnets, the Court finds in favor of the prosecution. Magnets are ordered to pay a restitution of ten million, five hundred thousand dollars to Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. Additionally, I hereby sentence magnets to explain their shit, but not with that fag science crap. Nature is magic.
posted by Damn That Television at 11:26 AM on April 8, 2010 [23 favorites]


Too bad it cost him 10-15K.
posted by Mitheral at 11:32 AM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Insane Clown Posse vs. Magnets

I figured this was a thing... so I Googled it, and... holy hell.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:42 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Fairfax county DAs need to find some actual crime to prosecute.
posted by *s at 11:43 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Man, I really wish the right wing distortion machine took a side and would start saying that this begins a slippery slope to mandatory nudity for our children in public schools. Because I like when they say stuff like that.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:52 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]


I figured this was a thing... so I Googled it, and... holy hell.

Also on the front page...

I really wish the right wing distortion machine took a side and would start saying that this begins a slippery slope to mandatory nudity for our children in public schools.

NUDITY PANELS PLAN TO UNDRESS GRANDMA
posted by DU at 11:56 AM on April 8, 2010 [7 favorites]


Good news everyone! *strips*
posted by Hardcore Poser at 12:01 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Also on the front page...

The who now?
posted by uncleozzy at 12:03 PM on April 8, 2010


"Young said Williamson's legal bills would probably wind up being between $10,000 and $15,000."

Yikes. The poor guy really lost his shirt.
posted by homunculus at 12:10 PM on April 8, 2010 [7 favorites]


Can he counter-sue the stupid lady and get his money back? Can I just sue someone I don't like, even if I don't get their money, just to know that they're now out $15,000 for nothing? That shouldn't be.
posted by amethysts at 12:17 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Or maybe he could sue the police dept. for entering without a warrant. I imagine he just wants to get on with his life, but that's alot of money to just flush down the toilet.
posted by amethysts at 12:20 PM on April 8, 2010


Can he counter-sue the stupid lady and get his money back? Can I just sue someone I don't like, even if I don't get their money, just to know that they're now out $15,000 for nothing? That shouldn't be.

I'm not a lawyer, but this was based on criminal charges brought up against him, so probably not. If reporting someone to the police and testifying against them in court meant that defendants could sue you after an acquittal for their legal bills, that would have a significant chilling effect on reports of legitimate crimes.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:25 PM on April 8, 2010


That makes sense. I still think he should sue the police department.
posted by amethysts at 12:26 PM on April 8, 2010


A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE!!!

Yes, a noble travesty of the most sublime justice!
posted by grobstein at 12:51 PM on April 8, 2010


I proclaim tomorrow as NAKED JUSTICE Day. All nude cooking! (avoid the bacon, please)
posted by The Whelk at 1:24 PM on April 8, 2010


I've gotten some bad burns that way dude
posted by grobstein at 1:33 PM on April 8, 2010


We are not having naked cooking because it is, but because it is hard.
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


oh god what did I just write
posted by The Whelk at 1:36 PM on April 8, 2010 [16 favorites]


I think you accidentally.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:36 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


I think The Whelk knows more about accidentally than you can possibly imagine.

I'm glad this guy was acquitted.
posted by rtha at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2010


I still think he should sue the police department.

This. Talk about no equitable relief... "Hi, we're from the government and we understand that you're occasionally naked within your own home! You're under arrest!" I almost wonder if they kept going forward with the prosecution just so they'd have some bargaining power when he slapped them with a Bivens action.

Although actually, couldn't he sue the woman for peeping?
posted by anotherpanacea at 1:49 PM on April 8, 2010


Dean and her family should be forced to become nevernudes.
posted by tastybrains at 1:49 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think you accidentally.

That lady accidentally the whole guy!
posted by GuyZero at 1:50 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


a Bivens action.

Dude. I am so not a lawyer. Obviously, he doesn't need Bivens to sue local police, all he needs is 42 U.S.C. § 1983. Doh!
posted by anotherpanacea at 1:51 PM on April 8, 2010


I figured this was a thing... so I Googled it, and... holy hell.

Huh. I am so out of the Juggalo loop. Is this the ICP analog of Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"?
posted by GuyZero at 1:52 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Splatter screens. Recommendations for selecting one. Bring on the bacon.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:53 PM on April 8, 2010


I would have loved to have been working in the clerk's office when they tried to post bond for showing off his junk. "I'm sorry," I would have said. "We don't take junk bonds here."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:01 PM on April 8, 2010 [6 favorites]


Good news everyone! *strips*
posted by Hardcore Poser


epon....

ah forget it.
posted by edgeways at 2:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Can you people stop DESTROYING METAFILTER with all this legal advice? You might kill someone!
posted by serazin at 3:14 PM on April 8, 2010


Let freedom ring.

*DONG*
posted by Esteemed Offendi at 3:16 PM on April 8, 2010 [19 favorites]


GuyZero: Is this the ICP analog of Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"?

Apropos of very little, but I just wanted to share...

I went to see Cop Out with some friends (don't judge me! I had pulled an editing allnighter the night before... my brain was fried) and two chords into the song my friend leans over and whispers excitedly: "That's Every Rose Has Its Thorns!" He was right.

Think about this for a moment, if he whispered after two chords that must mean that he recognized the song after the very first chord. Besides Hard Day's Night I don't think there's a single song I would recognize from the first strum of a guitar. That's a frighteningly intimate knowledge of Every Rose Has Its Thorns.
posted by Kattullus at 3:32 PM on April 8, 2010


We are not having naked cooking because it is, but because it is hard.

Have you ever fried bacon while you weren't wearing any pants? Because that's like...an adventure.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:02 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


That's why I prepare bacon the way god intended, baked.
posted by Mitheral at 4:26 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Every Rose Has Its Thorns.

Thorn. Singular. And, no, I'm not ashamed.
posted by jonmc at 4:27 PM on April 8, 2010


Indeed. After seeing the VH1 documentary which re-enacted Bret Michaels crying in a laundromat as he wrote the song, I should know better.
posted by GuyZero at 4:35 PM on April 8, 2010


"Crying In A Laundromat" would have been a much better title.

Oh I'm cryin' in a laundromat
Put my jeans in the dryer
Took them out after twenty minutes
And the metal buttons were hot as the sun
Burned my fingers right off
Also I'm out of quarters
And pizza place next door is all "We don't do change"
So I bought me a slice of pie
And it's pretty stale
Gonna roll it up into a knife
And stab myself through the heart
Pizza knife!

posted by turgid dahlia at 4:38 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


I think that was Bon Jovi.
posted by GuyZero at 4:39 PM on April 8, 2010


Every Rose is my karaoke power ballad. I don't even need to look at the screen, I know the words and timing by heart. For a more rocking version, Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi. Because, y'know, I'm wanted (WAAANTED).
posted by Ghidorah at 5:06 PM on April 8, 2010


Kattullus: Think about this for a moment, if he whispered after two chords that must mean that he recognized the song after the very first chord.

I was a friend's plus one to a Tea Party concert where every single person in the crowd was like that. A chord or two and there's screaming flailing wildness around me while I stare bewilderedly at my date (who would cease his wild flailing to tell me what song it is, stare at me when I didn't know the song, then go back to flailing). It's a special level of devotion.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:08 PM on April 8, 2010


Has anybody done a (straight-faced) country cover of 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn,' cause that seems kind of like a no-brainer to me...
posted by jonmc at 5:32 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I nominate this thread as one of Metafilter's funniest. *wipes tears*
posted by bearwife at 5:47 PM on April 8, 2010




Do or do not naked cooking, there is no try.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:22 PM on April 8, 2010


FYI neighboring Arlington County does NOT mind home nudity. I checked.

my neighbors who barbecued a lot didn't seem to mind either.
posted by little e at 6:24 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Acquitted? Dude, I haven't even started yet.
posted by steef at 6:26 PM on April 8, 2010


There were at least three of us at my most recent music trivia session who recognised "Drops of Jupiter" after the first note. It's just...recognisable. Especially when you've listened to it a *cough* few times.
posted by jacalata at 6:59 PM on April 8, 2010


'Every Rose Has It's Thorn,'

Its. No apostrophe. And no, I'm not ashamed.

Had to do it.
posted by amro at 7:05 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Country cover of Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Wells Family.
posted by Kattullus at 7:07 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


NOT GUILTY YALL GOT TO FEEL ME
posted by klangklangston at 7:14 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Barefoot cooking is dangerous enough. Tip: when scooping out baked potato innards to make twice baked potatoes, wear shoes, or socks, or something that covers your feet. Piping hot potato guts do not feel good when they land on the top of your big toe.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:18 PM on April 8, 2010


I was a friend's plus one to a Tea Party concert where every single person in the crowd was like that.

Mr. F and I were witness to the World's Most Awkward High-School Date at a Ted Leo show two weeks ago. Because we know no couth and don't sit up in the loft like most people our age, we were right up front against James Canty's monitor. Next to us, Boyfriend is maybe 16 tops, and is attempting to rock the Michael Cera nerd-innocent-abroad look-- big wide '80s plastic-frame glasses, argyle sweater over striped shirt, mussed hair. Girlfriend is also about 16. She's blonde, wearing a cute dress, and has the sort of manic-pixie-whatnot vibe to her.

Boyfriend knows every Ted Leo song. Boyfriend is completely, unironically, flailingly into it. He is difficult to watch, but he is obviously genuine as he flings his head dangerously close to Ted Leo's monitor over and over again. There is nothing else in the world for him but him, Ted Leo, and the Pharmacists.

Girlfriend stands there next to me the entire time folded over onto her self, arms around torso, looking for all the world like there's nothing going on. Watching her makes me want to check on her, offer a covered dish or a glass of water, maybe a cookie and a nap.

I'm not sure where that relationship is headed, but Boyfriend will probably get a decent screenplay out of it, at least.

Had the experience myself at a Queensrÿche show once. An entire audience freaking out and throwing a fist up during "Take Hold of the Flame" is... unnerving as fuck, actually.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:41 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's a special level of devotion.

Tea Party concerts I've been to, I could just tell that people were competing with one another to recognise the song first. It annoys me.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:52 PM on April 8, 2010


thanks for the update, MrMoonPie! I can now continue to absentmindedly shed my clothes then wander around the house with impunity. i am happy that justice prevailed, though i am sad that it took appeals court and 15K to make it so. maybe he can sue her for the emotional distress caused when she flipped him the bird?

my favorite quote from the article:

If a woman is "walking along and sees someone naked," Young told the jury in his closing argument, "the last thing they're going to be looking at is his eyes."

indeed!
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 9:17 PM on April 8, 2010


I feel sorry for the guy. He's now out 15K. For being innocent. have a nice fucking day. This isn't justice.
posted by defcom1 at 9:39 PM on April 8, 2010


I feel sorry for the guy. He's now out 15K. For being innocent. have a nice fucking day. This isn't justice.
I have a feeling the internets might rally 'round and he'll get some donations to help offset his costs. Maybe he should see if a nudist group will collect for him.
posted by ishotjr at 9:47 PM on April 8, 2010


posted by mccarty.tim I propose we have a nude MeFi Meetup with all the windows open at my house to celebrate!

[more inside with less outside]
posted by mattdidthat at 9:47 PM on April 8, 2010


I just realized I have a large kitchen window in my home, that is right at waist height, and though the height of the foundation makes it unlikely my junk would be seen, it's probably too close to call.

That window has no curtain, and I've been in my kitchen late at night making food naked.

I am a rebel who lives on the ragged edge.
posted by davejay at 9:53 PM on April 8, 2010


the ragged edge of going to Bed Bath and Beyond and buying a fucking curtain, anyway
posted by davejay at 9:54 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


posted by ishotjr Maybe he should see if a nudist group will collect for him.

They could go collecting door-to-door, singing: (sung to Parliament's "Give Up The Funk")

He got a real natural thing goin' down, gettin' down
There's a whole lotta Eric goin' round

Ow, she saw his junk
Now he needs funds
Ow, she saw his junk
Gotta raise that fund

posted by mattdidthat at 10:11 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Maybe he should see if a nudist group will collect for him.

That's not a group with deep pockets.
posted by pracowity at 4:04 AM on April 9, 2010 [10 favorites]


oh god what did I just write

Thanks for my new email signature.
posted by theredpen at 8:45 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]


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