Chiiilllll

November 19, 2012 6:54 AM

I'd like to make a Holiday Request.

The holidays are upon, which means one thing above all others: stress. Some of us have extra family responsibilities. Some of us have to spend time with family we don't like. Some of us don't have families. Some of us have to throw ourselves into the gaping maw of the nadir of capitalism that is holiday shopping. Some of us have to work extra hours to cater to the shoppers. Some of us would rather be doing either of those things than being in the situation we're in at the moment Almost all of us will have at least one reason to be justifiably pissed off at some point. Maybe I am projecting, but I've already noticed an uptick of fightyness around here. And my own hands are certainly not clean.

So I am going to pledge, right now, that I am going to consciously attempt to be just a little bit more pleasant in even the most obnoxious and GRARy of circumstances on MeFi this holiday season. And if you'd like to do that too, perhaps an open declaration in a public forum will give you that extra nudge you need to contribute to a collective lowering of blood pressure/yellow bile around here.

posted by griphus to Etiquette/Policy at 6:54 AM (192 comments total)

I pledge to be twice as rude and angry in order to pick up griphus' slack.
posted by dubold at 6:57 AM on November 19, 2012 [47 favorites]

sorry, I'm just in a bad mood because I somehow ended up singing "simply having a wonderful christmas time" today and I am resentful about that.
posted by dubold at 6:59 AM on November 19, 2012 [12 favorites]

We can also make cookies for each other.
posted by shothotbot at 6:59 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm in.

/ so, this is just the OPPOSITE of the "no more kitty video" meta, eh?
posted by HuronBob at 7:03 AM on November 19, 2012

sorry, I'm just in a bad mood because I somehow ended up singing "simply having a wonderful christmas time" today and I am resentful about that.

I) That song is awesome, but

II) If you really don't like having it chime around in your head, it can easily be replaced with this
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:07 AM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm all for holiday positivity, but the clock is ticking on the return of Pomplamoose Hyundai commercials. After that, all bets are off.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:19 AM on November 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

Less bile and more smile is always welcome, yes.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:24 AM on November 19, 2012 [18 favorites]

Wow, griphus - way to suck up to Santa Claus. "Ooh Santa I'm going to be extra special good and I told everyone to be good so I should get an extra toy Santa shouldn't I???"

He sees you when you're sleeping, griphus. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. So he's not going to be swayed by your transparent brown nosing: if you want to impress him, stop masturbating so much.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 7:24 AM on November 19, 2012 [47 favorites]

I promise to be as invisible as usual.
Hence . . . not fighty!
posted by Seamus at 7:26 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

I misread the title of this post as Chili, and was expecting a holiday chili-swap akin to the cookie-swap.

Yes I'm subscribed to the RSS feed for Metatalk posts so I don't miss any, why do you ask?
posted by insectosaurus at 7:30 AM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

More love, less shove. Yule be glad that you did. Less hatin', more matin'.
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 7:31 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

My people do not believe in your decadent capitalist "Santa Claus." I was raised with Дед Мороз, and I will die with Дед Мороз. Also, in true Communist form, he does not care a whit about good behavior, masturbation, or brown-nosing. Just like any Soviet bureaucrat, a simple bribe will do.
posted by griphus at 7:31 AM on November 19, 2012 [21 favorites]

More fah who foraze, more dah who doraze.
posted by pracowity at 7:33 AM on November 19, 2012

I guess cortex hasn't read Transmetropolitan.
posted by cgc373 at 7:34 AM on November 19, 2012

the clock is ticking on the return of Pomplamoose Hyundai commercials.

Nonesuch Signs Singer/Songwriter Nataly Dawn; Solo Album from Pomplamoose Singer, "How I Knew Her," Due January 2013.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:40 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

insectosaurus, step up your game.
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 7:41 AM on November 19, 2012

Ceege, I need to cling to the idea that The Smiler is a fictive construct.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:42 AM on November 19, 2012

I do parties and holiday events. I noticed some grrr grip so to cheer you up....

WHO THE NAGUS NOW BABY!.
posted by clavdivs at 7:49 AM on November 19, 2012

My people do not believe in your decadent capitalist "Santa Claus."

Hmm. Soviet Santa does seem to have fewer petty rules. OK - I'm in!
posted by the quidnunc kid at 7:55 AM on November 19, 2012

oh and
(warning: flash in use)
posted by clavdivs at 8:01 AM on November 19, 2012

I'm going to pledge not to annoy the mods so much, or keep appearing on their radar so frequently.
posted by Wordshore at 8:04 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

You know what would really put me in the holiday spirit this year? A rousing Metafilter version of "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
posted by octobersurprise at 8:08 AM on November 19, 2012

Only if we all put on horrible 80s wigs and clothes.
posted by elizardbits at 8:09 AM on November 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Black Friday trampling videos and grumpy, pointless Metatalk threads are what make bland, perfunctory holidays tolerable and lively.

Request denied.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:16 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

I will continue to be wise and thoughful, oozing gravitas leavened with a bit a quirky humor. After the holidays, I'll have the doctor look at that, but the office is booked until the new year. I blame Obamacare!*

*but in a wise and thoughtful way, of course.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:21 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Why not :D ← notice extra friendly smiley
Heck, I'll even put on a t-shirt when going to the shower
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:51 AM on November 19, 2012

Try to remember that "The Holidays" are a man-made construct, superimposed upon otherwise-normal rotations of the Earth. We choose to imbue them with importance, or to treat them as any other day on a per-person basis. Also, remember that your parents are just two people who happened to have children -- they're just animals trying to get by as best they can, like all the other animals here on this lovely little planet. Go outside, look up at the stars, be cognizant of the incredible beauty of All This, and remember that it's what you make of it. Do what you can, with what you have, & let the Earth spin on and on.

Love & hugs to my MetaFilter Brethren & Sistren - I carry you all in my heart -- especially you, eyeball kid.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:56 AM on November 19, 2012 [6 favorites]

Extra friendly smiley looks a leeeeeetle too friendly and it's kind of creeping me out.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:58 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

justifiably pissed off at some point

This has been bugging me all afternoon. Is this a thing ("metafilter: justifiably pissed off at some point"), a mixed metaphor, too much beer?

(let me also tell you, my own hands are clean)

[otherwise, I'm in. Happy rest-November everyone. Hugs in the darkness and all that.]
posted by Namlit at 9:02 AM on November 19, 2012

Woah woah woah, are you suggesting that my people not celebrate the Airing of the Grievances? Cause that's, like, violating my first amendment rights and stuff.
posted by jph at 9:03 AM on November 19, 2012 [7 favorites]

I carry you all in my heart

lol, like atherosclerosis.
posted by elizardbits at 9:16 AM on November 19, 2012 [17 favorites]

Cause that's, like, violating my first amendment rights and stuff.

Are you sure that's not the "Fist Amendment?"
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:17 AM on November 19, 2012

GenjiandProust: "
Are you sure that's not the "Fist Amendment?""

Or the right to bear children -- the Fecund Amendment.
posted by boo_radley at 9:19 AM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

If I'm spewing more bile than usual, just cut me some slack. It's Christmas, ok?
posted by mazola at 9:19 AM on November 19, 2012

lol, like atherosclerosis.

What I thought was schmoop turned out to be plaque.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:21 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Hey there's a new John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John Christmas album out, how could anyone be grumpy?
posted by octothorpe at 9:21 AM on November 19, 2012

the Fecund Amendment. Useless to the feckless among us.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:22 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

The right to Bear Arms is covered under the Furry Amendment, one of the otter laws passed by Congress.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:23 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

The holidays are upon, which means one thing above all others: stress. Some of us have extra family responsibilities. Some of us have to spend time with family we don't like. Some of us don't have families. Some of us have to throw ourselves into the gaping maw of the nadir of capitalism that is holiday shopping. Some of us have to work extra hours to cater to the shoppers. Some of us would rather be doing either of those things than being in the situation we're in at the moment

Thank you griphus. Something about your phrasing turned on light bulb in my head. All of these things you mention are choices. You might choose to stay up all night melting crayons to paint your daughter's doll face, you might choose to spend your days in shopping malls, or in crowded airports, or to spend one day a year with your racist cousins. You might choose to work retail in a sick society that equates spending money with an expression of love. But if you make these choices, please be at peace with them and let it go. If you don't like standing in lines at shopping centers, please consider whether this was a good choice you made, before lashing out at others. Huge numbers of thoughtful, caring, spiritual people who love their families don't celebrate Christmas at all.

Me, I have 2 small children. They know who Santa Claus is but they don't at this point know that Christmas means you are entitled to whatever special gift it is you want. They don't know that they are obligated to spend time with people who don't have any concern or affection for them. They don't know that some people stay up all night after Thanksgiving to buy as much as they possibly can before anyone else can. They know the story of baby Jesus but they don't believe they are required to go to church or they will spend eternity burning in hell. They don't believe anyone besides their parents see them when they're sleeping and hopefully they are learning being good is not something you do to earn presents. We are taking an easy trip on Thanksgiving because we really enjoy my sister and brother in law and the kids are looking forward to making pie with their Auntie. For Christmas, we are spending some precious time off work with and I will be working on a model train set with the boys. Yeah, it's "our turn" to visit my parents for the holidays 2 thousand miles, but 2 kids in diapers on the busiest travel holiday of the year, in a house with no toys, in a city I never grew up in? Fuck it, I'm not going to be miserable, and make others miserable, conforming to bullshit "rules" concerning the holidays. The guest room is open, Grandma, and your grandkids would love to see you. Please don't come if you're going to resent it.


Almost all of us will have at least one reason to be justifiably pissed off at some point.

I completely reject that this has to be true. But if someone's going to lash out in my presence, I will happily shrink away or ignore it, because life is too short.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:25 AM on November 19, 2012 [15 favorites]

Slarty Bartfast: "Huge numbers of thoughtful, caring, spiritual people who love their families don't celebrate Christmas at all."

Does having friends over and ordering Chinese food count?
posted by zarq at 9:38 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

I promise to only be *passive* aggressive this year.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:41 AM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

of course you'd promise that.
posted by boo_radley at 9:47 AM on November 19, 2012 [6 favorites]

I'm in on this pledge. It's pretty much what I wake up aiming for every day, so why not doubly so for a month?
posted by introp at 9:52 AM on November 19, 2012

In the spirit of this thread, I would like to apologise without reservation for the inital comment I have made above, which was intended just to be a silly, meaningless piece of teasing about Santa watching us all masturbating in bed, but which (I now fear) may look like it was intended to be an insult directed at griphus. This is due to my poor commentary skills. Please accept my apologies, griphus, and a similar apology goes out to everyone in this thread for my stupidity in this matter.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 9:56 AM on November 19, 2012

of course you'd promise that.

I do it because I love you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:08 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ah, right, I take it now's a good time to return the Santa Claus outfit to the fancy dress place and get rid of the cloned key to griphus's apartment, then.
posted by ambrosen at 10:08 AM on November 19, 2012

oh, quidnunc, the only thing you need to apologize to me for is the deposit I just lost on the reservation of the Fields of Honor and that my second had to use a sick day to oversee the duel.
posted by griphus at 10:13 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

This one's for you, Santa.
posted by fleacircus at 10:14 AM on November 19, 2012

When I masturbate, Santa is impressed.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:15 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

Last year I ended up making and printing my own Christmas cards to give out and it turned out really nice, but I had extras to make the minimum print. So, if you'd like one this year, meMail me or somethin'.
posted by hellojed at 10:17 AM on November 19, 2012

Wait that wasn't exactly what I meant to say -- but NOT editing it for clarity. (because then Santa and the mods will be mad)

I'm just giving up.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:18 AM on November 19, 2012

I'm already non-fighty. But I promise to go on flagging fighty comments. I won't request a "not very nice" flag, although sometimes it would be perfect.
posted by bunderful at 10:25 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Whenever you find youself in a fighty thread, just, step away from the computer, brew some Folgers Decaf and everything will be fine. Plus all those long lost family members will find their way home, after hitchhiking in the snow and bring you presents.

Works every time.

(and as an undocumented side benefit, drinking Folgers seems to have an unexplained effect that makes every christmas light, burned out or not, light up as if new. quite curious.)
posted by lampshade at 10:26 AM on November 19, 2012

I promise to only be *passive* aggressive this year.

All's I know is that somebody needs to clean up the dirty dishes that were left.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:27 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Less bile

CHOLECYSTECTOMIES FOR EVERYONE!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:27 AM on November 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

I won't request a "not very nice" flag, although sometimes it would be perfect.

Perhaps we could roll out this pony for Canadian Thanksgiving, in honor of the "Neighbor to the North's" well-earned reputation for politeness and civility....
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:34 AM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

And when all of the above suggestions just don't quite cut it, try Rescue Remedy - it really works!

I'm Lynsey and I approve this endorsement. Oh, and by the way, I recommend the no-sugar-added pastilles, now available in cranberry flavor (!) from your local Whole Foods Market.
posted by Lynsey at 10:54 AM on November 19, 2012

More limerence, less belligerence.
posted by Elmore at 10:58 AM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Only if we all put on horrible 80s wigs and clothes.

"Put on"?
posted by MartinWisse at 10:58 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm going to be serving a free side of hugs with each serving of snark*.

*egg nog flavoured snark optional
posted by arcticseal at 11:20 AM on November 19, 2012

Honored Sir,

About three hours ago, as I was going to see my horses, Lady Flag told me of your Desire to make Metafilter a better and more Capable place. I was relieved to hear of this important News and set forth in my own Desire, then and there, to accompany you on your Brave and Noble Endevour. Alas, after attending to my horse, I made the fateful decision of Dining at the Horse Head Inn, where I came across Sir William of Favorites, whom deigned to sit with me.

Alive with the brightness of your most engaging Request, I conveyed your sentiments to Sir William, whom I then implored to join me on the Bold journey of yours.

Sadly, his relayed to me similar requests from you to him on the eve of Last Year's holiday season and the instances and fallout from what I thought was a noble Desire. Sir Williams relayed stories of certain antics last year of a most deplorable sort, of things wanton and salicious done with hedgehogs, a barrel of whisky and three members of His Excellency's kitchen staff, if the now sealed police reports are to believed. Indeed I do, sir, INDEED I DO.

Seeing as I recall no specific invitation from yourself to join in this year's activities, and recognizing your shameless ploy todistract the community at large, while you make merry in the alleys and bowels of our fine conseual hallucination, I hereby reject your feigned holiday spirit and cast you out out of my heart and liquor cabinet.

Good Day, Sir!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:24 AM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

Yet another motherfuckin' schmoopie thread?!?!
posted by Mister_A at 11:30 AM on November 19, 2012

Cuz OK I like schmoopie
posted by Mister_A at 11:30 AM on November 19, 2012

Absence of schmoopy does not imply grar.

Now I'm going to smash my keyboard for using those two words in one sentence.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:32 AM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

As you should.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:38 AM on November 19, 2012

Be excellent to each other.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:13 PM on November 19, 2012

Having had a massive skin cancer cut out of my head yesterday, including an accidental nick in an artery which would not stop spouting blood all over me, the doctor, the nurse and the room... along with the stress of moving house and running badly behind schedule on a whole lot of levels... I reserve the right to be as goddamned grumpy as I want.

I will, however, attempt to not inflict that grumpiness on anyone else. That's the best I can do.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 12:20 PM on November 19, 2012 [11 favorites]

/ so, this is just the OPPOSITE of the "no more kitty video" meta, eh?

What?

For the holiday season, there should be extra holiday-themed kitty videos and dog videos.
posted by Wolfster at 12:34 PM on November 19, 2012

can there be a post where we hurt each other with terrible christmas music?
posted by ninjew at 12:51 PM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

and the very next day we'd give it away
posted by elizardbits at 12:54 PM on November 19, 2012 [8 favorites]

THISSS YEEEEAR TO SAVE ME FROM TEARS I'LL

GIVE

IT

TO

SOMEONE

SPECIAL



oh god what have you done
posted by elizardbits at 12:57 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
posted by ninjew at 1:03 PM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

Holy cow, malibustacey9999. Hope you're okay.
posted by zarq at 1:05 PM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

christmas makes me want to find a really dangerous fishing trawler to work on from november-february so i can avoid it and/or die
posted by ninjew at 1:05 PM on November 19, 2012 [6 favorites]

I don't know what all y'all are on about, I love Christmas music.

(And not just because of the residual checks the Berlin Estate sends to all us Jews on Hanukkah every year.)
posted by griphus at 1:09 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Maybe I am projecting, but I've already noticed an uptick of fightyness around here.

People have been saying this since at least 1997.

Death of Metafilter imminently predicted in 3.... 2..... 1.....
posted by Afroblanco at 1:18 PM on November 19, 2012

Wishes malibustacey9999 well, and speedy healing.
Smiles at every one too far away for hugs. Suggests telling unwelcome people that you are making a Trappist retreat this holiday time, ask if they want to make it too. It will either scare them off or encourage them to join you. If they join, you will have to go through with the retreat, but in either case you will not have to talk to them.
posted by Cranberry at 1:22 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

tl;dr Peace on Earth, Goodwill to All.
posted by Miko at 1:25 PM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

I hate Christmas. And then I hate myself for hating Christmas. If I buy presents, I'm participating in the self-perpetuating consumerist clusterfuck. If I don't buy presents, I'm a penny-pinching miser with no joy in his heart. If I try to get into the holiday spirit, I usually just end up drunk and maudlin. If I don't try, I end up seething with rage and envy at all the perfectly nice people who have cracked the code and figured out how to enjoy themselves during the holidays.

Christmas bums me out, man.

Every year, my wife and I resolve not to do Christmas. We inform the relatives, and we write checks to Doctors Without Borders and Heifer International. And every year, they still send us presents.

And then, well, can't look ungrateful, now, can we? When I just want to scream PLEASE FUCKING STOP I HAVE PLENTY STUFF I DON'T NEED MORE STUFF BUT HEY THANKS FOR THE NICE STUFF ANYWAY.

Why won't people believe me when I say "We don't celebrate Christmas. Thanks for the kind thoughts, but please spend your time and money supporting a worthwhile cause and not at a shopping mall."? It's like they think its a feint or a pose but no I really don't do Christmas! Please, please stop dragging me back in.

Every year as November trickles to a close I can feel my jaws aching from compulsive teeth-grinding and I just want to go to bed and wake up in January.

Fuck Christmas.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:34 PM on November 19, 2012 [7 favorites]

:( Now I just want to give you a hug, BOP. It'll all be over soon.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:37 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Bell jingle rock jingle rock rock bell, bell rock jingle rock bell rock bell, rock bell jingle rock bell bell bell, rock bell rock bell jingle jingle jingle...

This is now the authoritative version in our house. srsly.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:38 PM on November 19, 2012 [11 favorites]

To save us all from Santa's power when we were gone astray.
posted by usonian at 1:45 PM on November 19, 2012 [6 favorites]

Oh, I'm so with you, BOP. My mother and I have made repeated runs at "shouldn't we just give donations" for years now, but it hasn't taken. I was debating trying the "no, really, don't get me any presents and I won't get you any and won't that be nice!" this year, but that sheer number of people who I'd have to have that discussion with makes my head hurt (there are upsides to having a large extended family, but this isn't one of them).

However, my friend's cookie swap, my parents' Christmas breakfast, and the annual admire/mock the Christmas lights walking tour of my parents' neighborhood are things to look forward to, so I will look forward to them and try very hard not to give passive-aggressive Christmas presents.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:48 PM on November 19, 2012

Mellow: Harshed.
posted by SweetTeaAndABiscuit at 1:52 PM on November 19, 2012

BitterOldPunk: "If I try to get into the holiday spirit, I usually just end up drunk and maudlin. "

This puzzled me for a bit.
posted by boo_radley at 1:53 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

BitterOldPunk: perhaps you're secretly British? Get drunk and mauldin, crap unneeded presents, fight with the family?
posted by MartinWisse at 2:04 PM on November 19, 2012

Look, they started Christmas in October again round here. They should think themselves lucky I haven't gone postal in Oxford Street with a flamethrower. That's as much of a concession to niceness as anyone's getting out of me.
posted by Decani at 2:22 PM on November 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Do you drive the sort of train that is laden with presents and toys and games and sweets for little girls and boys, Decani?
posted by Mister_A at 2:40 PM on November 19, 2012

he has the coal cars
posted by elizardbits at 2:52 PM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

and the very next day we'd give it away

I don't really celebrate Christmas, after all I am secretly British and no stranger to the above mentioned tendencies. HOWEVER, I will never not love this Wham song, the UK 'feed us' song, and all John Lennon related Christmas music.
posted by bquarters at 2:57 PM on November 19, 2012

(Nothing is more British Christmas depressing than this.)
posted by bquarters at 2:59 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Don't forget the Reason for the Season! The moment in the Earth's orbit describing maximum axial tilt away from the Sun in combination with the equinox, when the direction of the tilt is perpendicular to the direction to the Sun! Merry moment in the Earth's orbit describing maximum axial tilt away from the Sun and a happy equinox, when the direction of the tilt is perpendicular to the direction to the Sun!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:02 PM on November 19, 2012 [18 favorites]

You're a diplomatic one, Mr. griphus.
You really are swell.
You're as cuddly as a Corgi,
You're as charming as kitty,
Mr. griphus.
You're a fine MeFite with a friend in every city.

You're an original poster, Mr. griphus.
Your heart's in the right place.
Your brain is full of kindness.
You've got humour in your soul,
Mr griphus.
I wouldn't ask you “Should I eat it” in
the season to come unless it’s something really old.

You're a stressed one, Mr. griphus.
You have tension in your smile,
You have all the tender sweetness of a person who’s made a pledge.
Mr griphus.
Given the choice between pleasant and unpleasant,
I'd take the nudge and hope for less bile.

You're a sweet one, Mr. griphus.
You're a guileless, smiling MeFite.
Your heart is full green answers.
Your blue is full of comments,
Mr griphus,

The three best words that best describe you,
Are as follows, and I quote:
Right!
Right!
Right!

You're a peacemaker Mr griphus
You're the king of lowering stress
Your heart’s a GRAR-less place where Santa has nothing to worry about, and the mods can take care of the rest.

Your soul is lacking in fightyness,
Overflowing with the most justifiable
Assortment of good suggestions imaginable,
Tangled up in cookie swaps.

You inspire me, Mr griphus
With an earnest super promise
You're a leader, not mistreater, and
You drive a winning horse,
Mr griphus!

You're a three-decker requester
And you’ve lowered the blood pressure,
with a suggestion LIKE A BOSS!
posted by peagood at 3:26 PM on November 19, 2012 [11 favorites]

Impressive.

It's kind of strange watching people struggle to not mention christmas and get into contortions and so on - I suppose there's various reasons.

My only difficulty is that your post assumes we are somehow as in need of moral improvement as yourself and might quite like to make a pledge or two
- which is slightly presumptious and kind of reads as a bit ....new age digital temperance society ?

So on that basis i'm kind of resisting it but i'm not particularly planning to go radge on this site anytime in the near future..........it seems a bit wiser to me to just let people decide that themselves than sign anything.

Fights aren't all that great, but replacing it with a leaden puritan vibe isnt going to make things all that readable either - I notice someones kind of apologising for making a really funny comment up above - I'd be concerned if the best commenters were apologising for making really interesting comments.... but maybe Matt isn't.
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:31 PM on November 19, 2012

Thanks, zarq & Cranberry - I don't feel fabulous at the moment. OTC painkillers will stop the pain, my arse! I'm dropping them like lollies (candy) and it's making no difference.

However, I will use the phrase "I need that like a hole in the head" more knowledgeably from now on. Holes in your head hurt. A lot.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:51 PM on November 19, 2012

My people do not believe in your decadent capitalist "Santa Claus." I was raised with Дед Мороз, and I will die with Дед Мороз.

Huh. So the Russian non-Santa is called Dead Morose.

No wonder they all grow up to be supervillains.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:00 PM on November 19, 2012

malibustacey9999, I once groggily awoke from surgery to see a sign in the recovery room that said something like "You do not need to accept pain. Managing your pain is part of your treatment. Talk to your nurse or doctor."

I believe that. Please call your doctor now (or have someone do it for you) and tell him or her where you are on a pain scale (see Figure 1) and describe the relief--or lack thereof--you're getting from the OTC stuff. You deserve ALL the benefits of modern medicine. Hope you feel better!

(and a happy Northern Hemisphere Winter to all)
posted by argonauta at 4:13 PM on November 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

I completely reject that this has to be true. But if someone's going to lash out in my presence, I will happily shrink away or ignore it, because life is too short.

I am on this train. I don't celebrate Christmas personally but those around me do. It's a tough time of year for a lot of people, made challenging by many people's strong feelings, conflicting expectations and family traditions good and bad. There's a neighborhood Solstice bonfire that I always go to and look forward to. I'm having folks over (to my dad's place in MA) for leftover pie on the day after T'giving if anyone needs a hideout.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:15 PM on November 19, 2012

Dead Morose with blues suck qualia
Fall LOL LOL LOL LOL
LOL LOL
LOL
LOL
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:19 PM on November 19, 2012

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
     "For hate is strong,
     And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
     The Wrong shall fail,
     The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men."
posted by steef at 4:21 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Holy shit, I missed your original comment malibustacey9999 but I hope you feel better! Also, plz. go see your doctor re: the pain because taking a lot of OTC pain meds can do a number on your liver and pretty quickly.

And, peagood, no one has written a song about me before (...that I know of...) so if your goal was to WARM my HEART, considering yourself a SUCCESS.
posted by griphus at 4:53 PM on November 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Griphus, I'm fairly sure my liver is made of cast-iron, considering what I've put it through over the years. I just started slamming them in this morning because I had to finish cleaning out my old house and I was in pain and miserable. That's nearly finished now, and I promise to not take any more OTC stuff when I can sit and wallow in misery in our new home.

But thanks for your concern. I appreciate it.

(And a big chunk of skin plus cancer is actually quite cool to see, when it's floating in a jar after it's been taken out of your head. I was fascinated.)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 5:02 PM on November 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

Did you get to keep it?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:04 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

That was my question too.
posted by griphus at 5:06 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ow and best wishes for speedy recovery, malibustacey9999.

I was bummed that they didn't let me keep my appendix.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:12 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Less bile and more smile is always welcome, yes.

If it isn't wit, it does not befit.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:16 PM on November 19, 2012

Oh just bah humbug and a merry kwanza to all, all I want is a little gelt.
posted by sammyo at 5:22 PM on November 19, 2012

Saturn is the reason for the season. Io Saturnalia!
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:36 PM on November 19, 2012

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,

Walla Walla, Wash, and Kalamazoo!

Nora's freezin' on the trolley,

Swaller dollar cauliflower Alleygaroo!

Don't we know archaic barrel

Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.

Trolley Molly don't love Harold

Boola Boola Pensacoola Hullabaloo!
posted by magstheaxe at 5:58 PM on November 19, 2012 [11 favorites]

In the spirit of more cute cat videos in the blue, a cute loris to break up the anger and stress of the season.
posted by Nackt at 6:42 PM on November 19, 2012

a cute loris to break up the anger and stress of the season

Footage of endangered species being kept as pets doesn't quite have that effect on me.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:54 PM on November 19, 2012

Not to be a pain in the ass, but why was the link to a parot singing Low by Flo-Rida deleted from the post featuring Low by Flo-Rida. Was it off topic?
posted by Ad hominem at 6:59 PM on November 19, 2012

It was the first comment in a thread about a Big Bang Theory flash mob and it was a link to a four minute parrot video. I couldn't parse it and it seemed like it might be better a little later in the thread once people sort of decided that the thread was about BBT or other YT videos of animals singing a few random words from one of the six songs in the main video.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:01 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sure Ok. "boots wit da fur" is sort of a meme.
posted by Ad hominem at 7:05 PM on November 19, 2012

My apologies if this is just a case of me not being hip to the lingo.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:12 PM on November 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

I guess it is better that anything with any connection to Flo-Rida doesn't get full of pictures of piglets and horses labeled "boots wit da fur".
posted by Ad hominem at 7:22 PM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

Look, I'm getting to the point in the year where I have to really up my alcohol intake to keep my blood thin enough to compensate for all the fatty foods I'm eating, so you're going to have to cut me some slack.

I love the holidays as much as the next skull, but it can't all be Linus' monologue and Once In Royal David's City. Some crockery might get broken. A wig may catch fire. Certain cousins may get a talking-to, and, depending on the hemisphere, there may be a reindeer trampling. I'm not saying that these things will happen, but I can't say that they won't. We all know me well enough by this point to know that it's kind of an "anything goes" season.

I will say that apologies will be issued to any and all promptly on Boxing Day, or at the very latest, by Ukrainian Lincoln's Birthday.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:52 PM on November 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oh man, there was a six minute parrot rendition of Low posted? I need to see that. I've been listening to this three minute version over and over and just cracking myself up; six minutes has got to be gold.
posted by redsparkler at 8:14 PM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

Maybe you all were just exaggerating, but...but I need to make sure. I need to know that this little nugget of perfect birdy goodness is the pinnacle.
posted by redsparkler at 8:42 PM on November 19, 2012

Caesar The African Grey - Boots wit da fur Ft. bunny rabbit I like his dance. And Shola - Boots wi tha fur.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:52 PM on November 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

...just a case of me not being hip to the lingo.

Muttered comment from the other side of the half-century-divide: Yeah, this is what it's gonna be.
posted by Namlit at 11:52 PM on November 19, 2012

If you can't be nice just for the love of griphus and Santa, just be nice to avoid being whipped, chained, and stuffed into Krampus' basket.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:57 PM on November 19, 2012

No, I didn't get to keep it, It's Raining Florence Henderson & griphus - the chunk of my temple had to be sent off to pathology for testing. Am I benign or malignant? We are yet to find out.

One of the joys of being a fair-skinned, redheaded Aussie. It was bound to happen sooner or later, as I came of age in the 80's when us stupid fair-skinned redheads thought that the more time we spent in the sun, the more likely it was that we'd turn into the stereotypical Aussie blonde bronzed goddesses.

Didn't work.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:00 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Let's just all stop for a minute and give that fair-skinned redheaded Aussie a virtual hug, and the very best wishes for the outcome.
posted by Namlit at 2:29 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I promise not to tweet so much one of my friends will think I am a narcissist.
posted by AugustWest at 4:16 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I will try, I really will. But my dad is really ill, so if you see me being an ass in a thread more than usual someone please send me a note to behave.

I think it's more likely for me to act out by sputtering obscenities at passersby in the meat lands than here, though. I've taken to rolling down the window and screaming at people in traffic. And they say women don't get road rage!
posted by winna at 4:32 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you can't be nice just for the love of griphus and Santa, just be nice to avoid being whipped, chained, and stuffed into Krampus' basket.

To be fair, some people like that sort of thing, so this may just encourage them. I shouldn't judge, but it can get kind of wearing for Krampus to get caught up in someone's scene, you know?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:47 AM on November 20, 2012

Krampus is my co-pilot.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:44 AM on November 20, 2012 [5 favorites]

Because it is now this time of year again I would just like to leave this here by one of our own *
posted by adamvasco at 8:37 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've missed the boat a bit but... I'm pretty sure the right to bear arms is the Furred Amendment.
posted by maryr at 10:14 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

If we're going to use the pain scale, let's at least use a realistic one.
posted by CathyG at 10:21 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of Ursidae, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of hibernation, or of the eating of honey; or the right of the Ursidae peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of forest fires.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:27 AM on November 20, 2012

Because it is now this time of year again I would just like to leave this here by one of our own *


That song is "too varied" for the Infinite Jukebox. Which is probably for the best.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:27 AM on November 20, 2012

If we're going to use the pain scale, let's at least use a realistic one.

When I went into the ER with an unknown horrible abdominal pain (turned out to be a kidney stone) the triage dude asked me "How badly does it hurt on a scale of one to ten?" Mind you, I had dragged myself up off the bathroom floor after having just passed out from the pain, minutes before. I said "It's a fucking eleven," and he said "Please don't use swear words, sir!"

If I ever run an ER, my pain scale will be

0. Groovy
1. Just a little pinch, here.
2. Darn it.
3. Ouch! Gosh!
4. Damn it hurts.
5. Son of a bitch!
6. Christ on a crutch doc, it's killin' me.
7. Shit, bastard, oh, mother fuck.
8. I think i'm gonna fuckin' die, here!
9. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, I'm really gonna die, aren't I
10. It's a fucking eleven!
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:31 AM on November 20, 2012 [7 favorites]

Let me add that I have done conclusive research which proves that copious swearing does indeed relieve pain, if only slightly.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:33 AM on November 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

I said "It's a fucking eleven," and he said "Please don't use swear words, sir!"

I would've just sat on the floor defiantly screaming COCK until they came with the hypodermic full of thorazine.
posted by elizardbits at 10:43 AM on November 20, 2012 [7 favorites]

Oh I love bringing out the Schmidt sting pain index:

Animal: Bullet ant
Schmidt Index: 4.0+
Description: Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch rusty nail grinding into your heel.
posted by griphus at 10:47 AM on November 20, 2012

I said "It's a fucking eleven," and he said "Please don't use swear words, sir!"

Obviously a spiritual relative of the doc who, because he knows I'm an English major, enjoys doing shit like this:

Doc: Tell me about your symptoms.
Me (barely conscious, clammy, pallid, listing to starboard, muttering): I'm so nauseous I haven't kept down any food for three days.
Doc (preening): You mean "nauseated." "Nauseous" means causing nausea.
posted by FelliniBlank at 11:15 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Back in college I had a housemate who made it a xmas tradition to sit out on the front porch and, every time a car drove past, he'd shout out "Merry Solstice, you jackasses!" to the delight of the entire household. (What can I say—we lived in a co-op.)

So, with this memory in mind, I say to all of my MetaFilter friends:
Merry Solstice, you jackasses!
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:16 AM on November 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

My pain scale is pop music-based.

1. Do They Know It's Christmas? - Band Aid II
2. Diary - Bread
3. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
4. Playground In My Mind - Clint Holmes
5. Sailing - Christopher Cross
6. Ebony and Ivory - Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
7. My Humps - The Black Eyed Peas
8. I'm Not Lisa - Jessi Colter
9. Seasons in the Sun - Terry Jacks
10. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:34 AM on November 20, 2012 [9 favorites]

Oh, darn, I thought since this was a holiday post that all the songs were going to be holiday songs.

My holiday-themed pain scale:

0. Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring
1. Silent Night
2. The Twelve Days of Christmas
3. Feliz Navidad
4. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
6. Deck the Halls (Mannheim Steamroller version)
7. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
8. Christmas Shoes
9. So This Is Christmas
10. Anything from The Carpenters' Christmas Album
posted by Daily Alice at 12:31 PM on November 20, 2012

I don't want to examine my holiday-themed pain scale too closely but I am pretty sure that #10 is Dominick the Donkey. Dear lord, even now I hear the hee-haws in my head. Make it stop, please.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 12:49 PM on November 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think my holiday-themed pain scale must be calibrated differently:

0. Skating- Vince Guaraldi Trio (charming)
1. Il Est Né, le Divin Enfant (pleasant, French, although tends to be sung by children's choirs)
2. What Child Is This/Greensleeves (kind of a downer)
3. The Coventry Carol (even more of a downer- where did you hide the bourbon?)
4. Feliz Navidad (well, now that's caught in my head)
5. Carol of the Bells (manic and off-putting)
6. Little Drummer Boy (dirge-y, doesn't even make sense)
7. Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time (god dammit, Paul- write a damn song, not just the same riff over and over again)
8. All I Want For Christmas Is You- Mariah Carey version (wrong on so many levels)
9. Mary's Boy Child (I will jam this icepick in my ear, you just watch me)
10. The Huron Carol (this is just adding insult to the injury of an entire people. The Pope should apologize for this)
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:07 PM on November 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Where does "Last Christmas" fall on this scale?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:04 PM on November 20, 2012

Oh god that parrot singing Low. Oh my god the laughing. I am not exactly sure why he reminds me so much of a drunk bridesmaid trying to look hip at a wedding, but now that I've seen the resemblance I cannot unsee it. "Apple bott -- no, we're not at that bit again yet, OK, I'll just go back to dancing."

As for pain scales, my OB gave me one that was actually pretty useful:

1. That hurts?
2. That hurts.
3. OK, that *hurts.*
4. That officially hurts enough that I really wish it didn't hurt.
5. That hurts enough that it would stop me from doing something that I already didn't really want to do.
6. That hurts enough that it would stop me from doing something that I actually really did want to do.
7. Hurts too bad to talk.
8. Hurts too bad to breathe.
9. Hurts too bad to think.
10. Hurts too bad to live.

On the "Christmas Carol" scale, #10 pain is "Frosty the Snowman." I sing a LOT of Christmas music, because Christmas is the time when people want to hear live classical vocal music, and singing Frosty on stage in front of 2500 paying customers is the only time I've thought to myself "How the hell did it come to this? I've worked hard, I've been good; what went wrong?"
posted by KathrynT at 4:52 PM on November 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Krampus is my co-pilot.

I want someone to animate the Whos of Whoville singing "Welcome, Krampus."
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:07 PM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

#10 on my pain scale is basically "I've just shit myself and I didn't even fucking notice because I was too busy begging you to kill me".

aka amoebic dysentery
posted by elizardbits at 5:18 PM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

THE CHRISTMAS SHOES
posted by The Whelk at 5:50 PM on November 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm totally down with the Non-Fighty Nov-Dec Pledge, and as such, I want to ask, aside from just not being fighty, and FIAMO as necessary, is there anything kindly and proactive we as users can be doing to keep the Kevin Clash FPP thread from turning into a total bloodbath? Because it was OKish when I was there a minute ago, but there are like 500,000 ways it can go bad, and if it does, it's gonna be fast and nasty and personal.

Or are the mods already watching it like a hawk?
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:54 PM on November 20, 2012

like a kettle of hawks or like one giant voltron hawk
posted by elizardbits at 6:02 PM on November 20, 2012

I've been in hawkeye mode since it went up, yeah. That said, the best way to help it not go bad is

- flag something that seems to be bad
- decline to respond to that thing
- carry on with non-bad conversation
- drop us a line if there's something more complicated going on

Letting us know about trouble and refraining from contributing to it is pretty much the most any given person can do. We appreciate the hell out of people variously doing so.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:04 PM on November 20, 2012

I've been in hawkeye mode since it went up

Sleeveless vest and all.
posted by The Whelk at 6:10 PM on November 20, 2012

I was thinking more like Donald Sutherland, really, or Alda if we're on a TV budget.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:25 PM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: - flag something that seems to be bad
- decline to respond to that thing
- carry on with non-bad conversation
posted by Miko at 7:16 PM on November 20, 2012

carry on with non-bad conversation

don't you cry no more
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:36 PM on November 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

I've been in hawkeye mode

He's drunk and looking for trouble, but, God, what a pair of hands.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:37 PM on November 20, 2012

When it's time for witty banter in the Swamp, I'm so the nurse that says Yes. Even though I know BJ is married.
posted by Miko at 7:52 PM on November 20, 2012

Let me add that I have done conclusive research which proves that copious swearing does indeed relieve pain, if only slightly.

Actually true, if not overused.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:39 AM on November 21, 2012

On the "Christmas Carol" scale

11 on the Christmas pain scale would be a Tokkies christmas, perhaps 12 if you understand Dutch.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:44 AM on November 21, 2012

Y'all are wrong.

The pinnacle of any Christmas Music Pain Scale is, and forever shall be, Mannheim Steamroller.

(My mother is a Christmas music nut, and first picked up one of their albums when I was twelve because she was looking for a change-up from her usual selections. Within a month even she hated it.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:29 AM on November 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

15,9 if you understand Dutch, with an extra twitch bonus at every refrain. That steamrollertje is a joke by comparison. I think I need to re-start my brain...
posted by Namlit at 8:40 AM on November 21, 2012

That Wham song is the worst Christmas song ever. Every year you forget about it and then it's December again and you have to hear that deeply shitty song. It's not even a real Christmas song. It's a stupid whiny self absorbed broken heart song pretending to be a Christmas song so it can be played everywhere all the time every December. Fuck that bullshit fake Christmas song. It's not a legitimate song and we have ways to shut that shit down.

What I'm saying is, choose to deal with the holidays by ranting about that fucking song and then be happy and cheerful the rest of the time.
posted by medusa at 10:30 AM on November 21, 2012

The pinnacle of any Christmas Music Pain Scale is, and forever shall be, Mannheim Steamroller.

If Ayn Rand were still alive (and not an atheist), I'm positive Mannheim Steamroller would be her xmas music of choice.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:29 PM on November 21, 2012

Wham's Last Christmas can easily be countered by playing The Waitresses at full volume and jumping up and down.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:10 PM on November 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was shopping for cranberries today and the last chorus of that song got stuck on a loop in my brain and I had just managed to get it out so THANKS FOR THAT
posted by The Whelk at 1:11 PM on November 21, 2012

"Christmas Wrapping" (or whatever that Waitresses song is called) makes me Christmas-stabbity like few other tracks do. Not sure why.
posted by Lexica at 1:42 PM on November 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yes, but it isn't Wham!.

As an alternative, you could quietly gaze out a window while listening to 2000 Miles.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:00 PM on November 21, 2012

Not this thread again
posted by The Whelk at 2:05 PM on November 21, 2012

Wake Me Up Before You Ho Ho
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:12 PM on November 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

Careless Vespers
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:21 PM on November 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

Father Christmas Figure
posted by argonauta at 3:24 PM on November 21, 2012

Everything She Wants (For Christmas)
posted by SpiffyRob at 4:05 PM on November 21, 2012

TIL that I really DO know all the words to every single Wham song ever.

sob
posted by elizardbits at 4:34 PM on November 21, 2012

You gotta have faith
posted by The Whelk at 4:53 PM on November 21, 2012

Oh, I'm never gonna prance again. Reindeer feet have got no rhythm.
posted by zarq at 5:12 PM on November 21, 2012 [9 favorites]

If you are the desert, I'll be the sea.
posted by medusa at 6:42 PM on November 21, 2012

A Very Bootie Christmas makes Christmas music far more tolerable, you know.

Also, despite (or maybe because of!) many of my friends-and-relations finding it offensive, I find Lady Gaga's Christmas Tree song hilarious.
posted by IndigoRain at 3:20 AM on November 22, 2012

Rump a Pom Pom.
posted by The Whelk at 8:34 AM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I carry you all in my heart

That's why I got WIFI, to make sure those cavities will never be empty again.
posted by StickyCarpet at 9:19 AM on November 22, 2012

I've never received so much derisive scorn for being a sentimental sap. I HATE YOU ALL! Except you, eyeball kid.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:52 AM on November 22, 2012

Having a Stressful Thanksgiving? Have Some Calming Manatees
posted by homunculus at 4:24 PM on November 22, 2012

Do you have any Valium instead?
posted by The Whelk at 5:00 PM on November 22, 2012

Sorry, I gave it all to the manatees. They may seem calm, but they actually all have PTSD from living in constant fear of boat propellers.
posted by homunculus at 8:25 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ack! That Paul McCartney Christmas song! And the Wham song!

But what about that godawful Beach Boys Christmas crap, huh? And the one about the shoes for his mom or whatever the fuck??

You know, I was totally with you on the less GRAR holiday thing, but I'm having a hard time maintaining that in the face of all this horrendous music.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 9:16 PM on November 25, 2012

....I actually made a halfway decent Christmas mix a few years back; I'll Spotify it and put it up here tonight.

Although I do include one Beach Boys thing but that's because Mom played it for years and I needed to make peace with my past. But no Mannheim Steamroller because fuck them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:18 AM on November 26, 2012

Folks, this is the only Christmas album you'll ever need.
posted by usonian at 5:13 AM on November 27, 2012

BENIGN! WOO-HOO!
posted by malibustacey9999 at 11:32 PM on December 2, 2012 [8 favorites]

But the healing wound is itchy as all fuck. And the shaved hair isn't my most glamorous look.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 11:33 PM on December 2, 2012

BENIGN! WOO-HOO!

Best present of the season, I bet. Glad to hear it!
posted by MonkeyToes at 11:38 PM on December 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Fantastic news! Congratulations!!
posted by zarq at 4:10 AM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yess! I've had you in my thoughts...
posted by Namlit at 4:12 PM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Now, if only I could get my smart-arsed 14 year old to stop asking if she can play connect-the-dots with a Sharpie on the stitch marks...
posted by malibustacey9999 at 5:49 PM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]