fur aw that

December 11, 2012 2:48 PM

I'd like to see a change in attitude towards Scottish people on Metafilter.

Seeing my poor countryman practically meta stoned to death a few posts below -

I think our US-centric mefites really need to extend the hand of warmth and friendship here - how happy would YOU be if your country didn't even warrant an entry on a drop down menu ?

Did we stop the US bid for indepence ? No ! apart from shooting a few of you in the battle of Georgetown, we've been extremely supportive - what are we getting in return ?

Accused of meanspiritedness ?

Let me paint a picture of my native land here:

It rains, it's grim, wolves howl in the wilderness - it rains again.

You go on holiday to local beach, which has a sewage pipe in the middle and it rains there too.

How positive do you expect us to be, stumbling out of the dark of the portobello sewage pipe for the first time ?

Please my chums, please remember that we complain out of affection - we say things are shite because we like them.

Therefore, please welcome us a bit more as we really do love you all very much. I personally promise to be nicer to everyone from here on in - even Stav.

Welcome us with open arms to your great american internet thing.

We're not Crunchland - We're Scotland.

VOTE SNP

posted by sgt.serenity to Etiquette/Policy at 2:48 PM (199 comments total)

Please don't close this.
posted by lalex at 2:50 PM on December 11, 2012 [10 favorites]

Are you not at all concerned with whether we can or can not have nice things?
posted by lrobertjones at 2:50 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

what
posted by elizardbits at 2:51 PM on December 11, 2012

No true Scotsman would post something like this.
posted by dersins at 2:51 PM on December 11, 2012 [122 favorites]

This does, indeed, resemble meta stoned.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:52 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

VOTE SGT. SERENITY FOR GREAT CHIEFTAIN O' THE PUDDING-RACE!
posted by Chichibio at 2:52 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

It rains, it's grim, wolves howl in the wilderness - it rains again.

This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:52 PM on December 11, 2012 [81 favorites]

Yes, but does Portland have deep fried mac n cheese?
posted by elizardbits at 2:53 PM on December 11, 2012

This reminds me that it's time once again for our family to gather around to watch that great holiday classic, My Name Is Joe
posted by KokuRyu at 2:54 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

THAT EXPLAINS A LOT
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:56 PM on December 11, 2012

This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard.

Yeah, actually, I had to read the whole thing three times before I was sure it wasn't about South King County, WA. But then I tipped to this: "we say things are shite because we like them."

We South Sounders like nothing.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:57 PM on December 11, 2012 [8 favorites]

Yes, Portland does. I can actually think of TWO places where I could get some right now.
posted by Specklet at 2:57 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Anyone who shows up at my front door with a Munchy Box will be treated like an old friend.
posted by griphus at 2:57 PM on December 11, 2012 [10 favorites]

brb hiring Stalin lookalike
posted by elizardbits at 2:58 PM on December 11, 2012

Yes, but does Portland have deep fried mac n cheese?

Yes, Holman's has had deep-fried mac and cheese bites (with ranch dressing) on their late night menu for at least a decade if not longer.
posted by dersins at 2:58 PM on December 11, 2012

#firstworldcolonyproblems
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:59 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I suppose we've evened things up for the Battle of Georgetown thing by claiming Craig Ferguson.
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:59 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

I like Scottish accents, particularly the really broad ones.
posted by h00py at 2:59 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

deep fried mac n cheese

THIS IS A THING?!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:01 PM on December 11, 2012 [9 favorites]

Specklet, what's the other place with fried mac & cheese?
posted by dersins at 3:01 PM on December 11, 2012

it is the best thing
posted by elizardbits at 3:02 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

You know, I had two boxes of Tunnock's given to me a few weeks ago, and I've just run out last night. I'm at an utter loss to know what to do. If you swear to keep the Tunnock's flowing south, I'll be your friend forever. Send them, posthaste, to:

Jehan Mandeville
PO Box 42
SCUNTHORPE
Northern England
posted by Jehan at 3:02 PM on December 11, 2012

I'm surprised we have even a single Scottish member willing to pony up $5.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:03 PM on December 11, 2012 [20 favorites]

cortex: This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard.

If you did this in female circumcision post you'd have to delete yourself.
posted by biffa at 3:04 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

*raises steaming above shoulders, Lloyd Dobler-style*

ALTOGETHER NOW:
O ye'll tak' the high road, and Ah'll tak' the low (road)
And Ah'll be in Scotlan' afore ye
Fir me an' my true love will ne-er meet again
On the bonnie, bonnie banks o' Loch Lomon'.
posted by Doleful Creature at 3:05 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

SON OF A BITCH!!! I JUST GOOGLED "DEEP FRIED MAC AND CHEESE" AND THEY SELL IT IN THE RESTAURANT I JUST ATE MY FUCKING LUNCH AT!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:06 PM on December 11, 2012 [63 favorites]

Seeing my poor countryman practically meta stoned to death a few posts below -

I have no idea what thread this is referring to?
posted by shakespeherian at 3:06 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Obvs solution is to go back for dinner.
posted by elizardbits at 3:07 PM on December 11, 2012 [8 favorites]

You know, I had two boxes of Tunnock's given to me a few weeks ago, and I've just run out last night. I'm at an utter loss to know what to do. If you swear to keep the Tunnock's flowing south, I'll be your friend forever.

You can buy both tea cakes and wafers at the Tescos down here in the Dirty South; can you not do the same? I'm genuinely surprised.
posted by Chichibio at 3:07 PM on December 11, 2012

You keep that Islay coming, I'll have whatever attitude you want me to.
posted by cthuljew at 3:07 PM on December 11, 2012 [11 favorites]

Wait, does this mean the best ways to show affection to our Scottish bretheren is to complain about them?

8D 8D 8D 8D 8D 8D
posted by Deoridhe at 3:07 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

Seeing my poor countryman practically meta stoned to death a few posts below -

I have no idea what thread this is referring to?

Presumably, this thread.
posted by Jahaza at 3:08 PM on December 11, 2012

It's Raining Florence Henderson: "SON OF A BITCH!!! I JUST GOOGLED "DEEP FRIED MAC AND CHEESE" AND THEY SELL IT IN THE RESTAURANT I JUST ATE MY FUCKING LUNCH AT!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!"

FIRST WORLD PROBLEM!
posted by chavenet at 3:08 PM on December 11, 2012 [9 favorites]

Yes, Holman's has had deep-fried mac and cheese bites (with ranch dressing) on their late night menu for at least a decade if not longer.

Holman's also has a Peanut Butter Bacon Burger that is one of my favorite things to eat in Portland.
posted by Lutoslawski at 3:09 PM on December 11, 2012

Reading all these MeTa threads is really infuriating. Here I am, getting ready to teach a night class, and you lot are all drunk. I'll be in front of a blackboard, crying on the inside.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:11 PM on December 11, 2012 [10 favorites]

Highlander problems:

I have no rival. No man can be my equal.

Everyone trying to cut off my head.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:11 PM on December 11, 2012 [13 favorites]

This explains a lot.
posted by mimo at 3:11 PM on December 11, 2012

Deep fried mac and cheese is terrible. As is it's old world sibling, arancini. Nothing whose greatest pleasure is unctuousness is improved by frying. Deep fried mac and cheese, fuck in fact just plain old mac an cheese is an early 21st affectation, due to sound as dated and of the time as mango salsa or food arranged in towers does now.
posted by Keith Talent at 3:11 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

You are wrong and your comment is wrong and good day sir
posted by elizardbits at 3:12 PM on December 11, 2012 [49 favorites]

Holman's also has a Peanut Butter Bacon Burger that is one of my favorite things to eat in Portland.

Man, Lutoslawski, when you stop being vegan you stop being vegan.
posted by dersins at 3:12 PM on December 11, 2012 [6 favorites]

Scotland also did not get in the way of American Indie pants.
posted by srboisvert at 3:13 PM on December 11, 2012

Many of my favorite pissed off people are Scottish. And not just spur of the moment, impulsive pissed-offness, they've sat down, gave it a good think, kicked it around a bit and decided, on balance, everyone can throw their own ass up in the air and fuck at it. So yeah, I vote lets be nice to the Scottish, sure they can be cranky, but most people don't put in the hours.
posted by Divine_Wino at 3:13 PM on December 11, 2012 [30 favorites]

Anyone who shows up at my front door with a Munchy Box will be treated like an old friend.


Wow -- am I the world's biggest hypocrite for mocking Guy Fieri so much and being really intrigued by that?

(And by intrigued, I mean just looking at it makes me happy, drunk, nauseous, and, weirdly, slightly turned on.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:13 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

I just watched "You Got Trumped". Why does Donald Trump hate Scotland so much?
posted by Burhanistan at 3:13 PM on December 11, 2012

Why does Donald Trump hate Scotland so much?

Because it is not named Donald Trumpland.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:16 PM on December 11, 2012 [7 favorites]

Deep fried mac and cheese is terrible. As is it's old world sibling, arancini. Nothing whose greatest pleasure is unctuousness is improved by frying.

You're doing it wrong. Frying doesn't remove the unctuousness, it encases it in a crispy, crunchy layer of fried, adding to the perceived unctuousness of the interior thanks to a little thing I like to call contrast.
posted by dersins at 3:16 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

How positive do you expect us to be, stumbling out of the dark of the portobello sewage pipe for the first time ?

I remember the first time I stumbled out of the Portobello sewage pipe onto the crusty beach. I was listening to Hawkmoon 69 on my old Walkman, a cold winter wind was propelling grey flakes of snow across the whitecaps of the Firth of Forth, and wan, slanting shafts of late afternoon sunlight were peeking through the clouds to the west. It was glorious.

Then I stepped in dog poop.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:16 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

I like their adhesive tape.

Too soon?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:17 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

You had to know this was coming...(snl)
posted by lampshade at 3:17 PM on December 11, 2012

Because it is not named Donald Trumpland.

Don't be fatuous Jeffrey.
posted by shakespeherian at 3:18 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's all the fried fooduous.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:19 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh man this takes me back to going to meetings in Hong Kong in the nineties with all these Scottish people and only understanding one word in three.
posted by shothotbot at 3:21 PM on December 11, 2012

dersins, there's a place up on Mississippi called Mac! that has fried mac and cheese balls. (I haven't eaten them there, though, and cannot vouch for their tastiness.)

Montage doesn't do fried, do they?
posted by Specklet at 3:23 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Plenty of places in plenty of cities sell various upscale and down home versions of fried mac & cheese.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:25 PM on December 11, 2012

Because it is not named Donald Trumpland.

Not for lack of effort.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 3:26 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

One side effect of my Mom's genealogy hobby is finding out I've got double Scottish background because of, wait for it, straight up " don't change the family name" incest.

Go go isolated island villages!
posted by The Whelk at 3:32 PM on December 11, 2012

in fact just plain old mac an cheese is an early 21st affectation

You seem to have misspelled 19th.
posted by Lexica at 3:32 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also deep fried pizza tastes like the biggest, crunchist Mozzarella stick ever but the sause is ALLREADY INSIDE.
posted by The Whelk at 3:33 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

cortex: This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard."

Give it a couple years, last I heard there's a pack not too far from Vancouver and they've been expanding southward for a while now.
posted by the_artificer at 3:33 PM on December 11, 2012

One can also make grilled mac & cheese sandwiches, which is truly decadent, because you're basically combining fats and starches with more fats and starches.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:33 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

When I was across the Pond a shop was selling keychains or something with scottish surnames. There were plenty to go around and only one name was sold out; MacLeod. It made me embarrassed for humanity.
posted by Justinian at 3:34 PM on December 11, 2012

BUT WHO WAS PHONE?
posted by GuyZero at 3:34 PM on December 11, 2012

Mac and cheese sandwiches...fried in bacon fat.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on December 11, 2012

Is it too soon to Zardoz this thread?
posted by zippy at 3:36 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

Pizza place here in Minneapolis has Mac & Cheese pizza. Yes, it's as good as it sounds.
posted by cthuljew at 3:36 PM on December 11, 2012

I love Scotland! Got married there once. Our minister gave my groom a boutonniere made of gorse.

When we hugged, it stabbed me in the neck (that's how I found out that gorse has thorns).

The marriage didn't work out, but I have never forgotten the lovely people, the food (partridge, mmm), the whisky, the caleigh, and the gorgeous scenery.

I got over the prick. Scottish people always welcome here!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 3:37 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

OH MY GOD GUYS. Somebody needs to tell Scotland about mac and cheese pizza. So they can deep fry that and we can all die happy.
posted by EvaDestruction at 3:39 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

I got over the prick.

Not sure if you're talking about the wedding or the marriage.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:41 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Mac and cheese sandwiches...fried in bacon fat.

My grandson still talks in hushed reverence of the time we made bacon-burger sliders topped with mac and cheese.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:43 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cold rain is horrible. I pity you. If only you had lots of snow.
posted by Area Man at 3:44 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Och
posted by waraw at 3:45 PM on December 11, 2012

I first had deep fried mac and cheese as well as deep fried pizza in a little place in Brooklyn called The Chip Shop.

Fresh out of the kitchen they are delicious. The next day... they are less so.
posted by Splunge at 3:47 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh man the lamented round the clock would try to fulfill any request made at like 3 am. You know makes a burger even better? Waffles for buns, buttered up on the inside.
posted by The Whelk at 3:48 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's Raining Florence Henderson: "I got over the prick.

Not sure if you're talking about the wedding or the marriage."

Sounds like the honeymoon.
posted by Splunge at 3:48 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

(ha! That's where I had it too Splunge)
posted by The Whelk at 3:50 PM on December 11, 2012

I am glad to see a Scottish person posting, as it gives me the opportunity to remind at least that one Scottish person that, in my capacity as King of Albania, if the Scottish people decide to become independent of the United Kingdom, I have issued a standing offer for Scotland to be placed in personal and dynastic union with Albania under my progeny and me.
posted by Flunkie at 3:55 PM on December 11, 2012

It rains, it's grimm, wolves howl in the wilderness - it rains again.

This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard.

No, sometimes it's wolves!
posted by curious nu at 3:55 PM on December 11, 2012

'Scots, wha hae wi Wallace bled,
Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,
Welcome tae yer gory bed,
Or tae victorie.

Feel better?
posted by Egg Shen at 3:57 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also this reminds me I need to mark Burns Night on my calendar. Highland Stillhouse has a dinner every year and I always always forget.
posted by curious nu at 3:59 PM on December 11, 2012

I'm a big fan of Scotland. Just ask the folks at the local liquor store.
posted by Lutoslawski at 3:59 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Scotland gave the world this man, and for that reason it will forever have a page in my Cool Book.

Yes, I am shallow. Sue me.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:01 PM on December 11, 2012 [6 favorites]

Kilts are welcome at the upcoming meetup in Nashua, NH.
posted by usonian at 4:02 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's shite being Scottish.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:03 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

It rains, it's grim, wolves howl in the wilderness - it rains again.

You also have whisky and excellent birds, so I think it evens out.

I will think fond thoughts of your homeland as I have a dram of some lovely Islay tonight. It will be cold and raining. I know we've had coyotes in San Francisco - can they count as wolves?
posted by rtha at 4:04 PM on December 11, 2012

everyone can throw their own ass up in the air and fuck at it.

I have spent the last three minutes picturing how to literally have this happen and giggling uncontrollably.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:06 PM on December 11, 2012 [13 favorites]

It's a pun you guys. Take it as you will.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:06 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

So once in a fit of domestic culinary terrorism my wife made haggis and I was all lol these are the worst chitlins ever and we had one of those "I don't even know who you are anymore" moments.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:07 PM on December 11, 2012 [14 favorites]

HEY, JIMMY!
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:07 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

obligatory Stewart Lee
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:08 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

There are FAR more people of Scottish descent living outside Scotland than in it. Canada's more Scottish than Scotland. The US is twice as Scottish as Scotland.

Just sayin'.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:10 PM on December 11, 2012

once in a fit of domestic culinary terrorism my wife made haggis

I've only ever had it canned, and it was at a wedding so I had been drinking champagne and was in a good mood, but the haggis I've had was actually pretty tasty.
posted by Lexica at 4:11 PM on December 11, 2012

Oh it tastes good.

But while it's cooking it'll clear a room.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:12 PM on December 11, 2012

I'm basically Scots all the way down. But somehow in America what that ends up meaning is that I spend all my money, I just spend it at the thrift store. I wouldn't call it shite, but I wouldn't recommend it.
posted by OmieWise at 4:15 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

One can also make grilled mac & cheese sandwiches, which is truly decadent, because you're basically combining fats and starches with more fats and starches.

Why grill when you can deep-fry?
posted by space_cookie at 4:18 PM on December 11, 2012

I think I'm losing touch with my Britushness as I have no idea how to mock this properly.

Pretty sure all the yanks are doing it wring though.
posted by Artw at 4:18 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

In all seriousness to the OP -

Seeing my poor countryman practically meta stoned to death a few posts below....

I don't think the reason he was pilloried was because he was Scottish, though. I think it was because he was acting like a wanker.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:19 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

What has the grey come to?
posted by infini at 4:20 PM on December 11, 2012

As my favorite bartender says " Scots! Just a bunch of shipwrecked Swedes."
posted by The Whelk at 4:23 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Amy: Rory, no offense to the others, but you let them all die first, okay?
Rory: You're so Scottish.
posted by ceribus peribus at 4:23 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

everyone can throw their own ass up in the air and fuck at it.

Oooh, this is fun!

everyone can toss their elbows askew and shit off them!
let's dump our knees and poop sideways!
toss your cockles like tomorrow wants its nooner now!
twirl your head in shame and fuck out!

I'm gonna go be serious in another thread now.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:31 PM on December 11, 2012 [19 favorites]

A serious study of my own genealogy found me to be about 3/16 Scottish, which for several years I ineptly-humorously rounded to "a fifth Scotch".

Anyway, I don't see how anybody can have an issue with the Scottish people after watching Craig Ferguson (Late Night TV's Great Scot and a Major Influencer in My Decision Drop 'Wendell' and Re-Embrace My Legal First Name Craig), doing a week of shows on location in Scotland.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:38 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

The Whelk: "(ha! That's where I had it too Splunge)"

A 'course ya dee ya naughty bairn! Och aye!
posted by Splunge at 4:44 PM on December 11, 2012

That feeling when you visit Glasgow and look vaguely related to everyone.
posted by The Whelk at 4:46 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Flora MacDonald used to live here in Fayetteville. Do I get a cookie? I mean we have Highland Cleaners and Highland Shopping Center and Highland this and Highland that too. Plus bagpipes.

(actually I waited on a real honest to goodness Scotsman once via phone at the florist shop-his accent was so thick I could barely tell he was speaking English. But it was ever so delightful.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:01 PM on December 11, 2012

I can't wait to visit the country that holds the Up Helly Aa festival every January on the last Tuesday of the month. You guys are awesome.

Behold the images !!
posted by seawallrunner at 5:09 PM on December 11, 2012

I used to work with a guy from Scotland. He was brilliantly rude and profane. We got along very well.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:10 PM on December 11, 2012

> As is it's old world sibling, arancini.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

On topic:

If there's a sword-like sang
That can cut Scotland clear
O a' the warld beside
Rax me the hilt o't here.

For there's nae jewal till
Frae the rest o earth it's free,
Wi the starry separateness
I'd fain to Scotland gie.
posted by languagehat at 5:14 PM on December 11, 2012

Surprised that nobody has linked to Under the Scotsman's Kilt yet. Mildly NSFW due to a static pic of a butt.
posted by Splunge at 5:18 PM on December 11, 2012

The Episcopal Church in the US owes a debt of gratitude to Scotland.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:28 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Note: Sometimes wolves need hugs, too.
posted by homunculus at 5:41 PM on December 11, 2012

Several Species of Small Furry MeFites Gathered Together on the Internet and Grooving with a Pict.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:41 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

And Scotland is forever in my heart not just because I have a friend in Ballachulish (and we've hiked around Glencoe together and it was amazing) but because it gave the world the very swoonworthy Neil Oliver.
posted by jokeefe at 5:47 PM on December 11, 2012

*cough*

Having a Scotsworldproblem?
posted by infini at 5:48 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I just thought I'd mention that Neil Oliver is so awesome that he is in fact a patron of the Association of Lighthouse Keepers, among his other virtues, like the accent. And the hair. Dreamy!
posted by jokeefe at 5:50 PM on December 11, 2012

Scotland rules OK
posted by Chrysostom at 5:59 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

How is this thread not 100+ comments starting with "I'd like to see a change in..." and ending with ridiculous things like "an entire call-out MeTa thread totally ignoring the substance of the post in favor of the form."

I would've liked to see that.
posted by carsonb at 6:06 PM on December 11, 2012

SCUNTHORPE
Northern England

You are the reason I could not view this thread while I was at work at the high school.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:08 PM on December 11, 2012 [41 favorites]

I read that as "while I was at high school" and sat here trying to figure it all out.
posted by infini at 6:16 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

I am 11 years old and Scunthorpe is the funniest thing I've heard today (and I laughed out loud at Fake Ayn Rand and #MetaTalk problems 12 times)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:18 PM on December 11, 2012

cortex: This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard."
the_artificer: Give it a couple years, last I heard there's a pack not too far from Vancouver and they've been expanding southward for a while now.

And will no doubt live here. A-whooooooooooo....
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:20 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

You guys, Jack in the Box used to have "Cheesy Macaroni Bites" a few years back, and they were terrible, and by terrible I mean I nearly had to turn to hard alcohol in order to prevent myself from eating them every single day. I may have cried a little bit the day I noticed they weren't on the menu any more, but I'll probably live longer without access to them.
posted by webmutant at 6:24 PM on December 11, 2012

I tried haggis at a pub in Edinburg.(Is autocomplete spelling that right?). It was delicious. Also, sticky toffee pudding!
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:33 PM on December 11, 2012

Yeah so this has nothing to do with Scotland (nice country, I'm sure) but this thread is reminding me that my middle school had a hot lunch which consisted solely of a generous handful of nachos with excessive amounts of greasy orange nacho cheese + a heap of french fries with excessive amounts of greasy orange nacho cheese.

It was both insanely bad for you (I have NO idea how it was on the menu of a public school) and so so so good. I have had deep fried Twinkies and this lunch was both fattier and better.
posted by librarylis at 6:39 PM on December 11, 2012

How positive do you expect us to be, stumbling out of the dark of the portobello sewage pipe for the first time ?

I don't know what a portobello sewage pipe is. I don't think it's common knowledge here in amerika. So the other day I went to the book store and the clerk was unable to identify a portobello sewage pipe book. And no, she wasn't new...and to make matters worse the other clerk didn't know either. The education of the youth about Scotland is declining in more than one way.
posted by Drinky Die at 6:40 PM on December 11, 2012 [9 favorites]

I had an old Scottish neighbour at my old address. He would sometimes talk to me without his false teeth in. The combination of no teeth and broad Scots accent meant I rarely understood him. The only polite solution was to smile and nod. I'm not sure, though, if he propositioned me, told me he could see me walk naked through my house, or that he was desperately lonely after his dog (I don't know if he had a dog) died. Smiling and nodding nearly always works, except with toothless Scottish neighbours.
posted by b33j at 6:41 PM on December 11, 2012

cortex: "This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard."

Howling chickens. Now *that's* an image I would not have expected to get in my head today.
posted by notsnot at 6:56 PM on December 11, 2012

A herd of howling chickens will rampage the North West Frontier.

We need the Colonel.
posted by infini at 7:12 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have NO idea how it was on the menu of a public school

USDA cheese subsidies. This has been changing under the current administration.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:17 PM on December 11, 2012

All you poor deluded arancini fans make me sad. Here's a hint; If the risotto was any good in the first place there wouldn't have been any leftovers for arancini.

On topic, Scots rock. So much so that I married one. 20 years of marriage and I almost understand what the hell my inlaws are talking about most of the time. I can't read Irvine Welsh novels because I hear I hear my mother in laws voice in my head, and it's very wrong/weird/disturbing.
posted by Keith Talent at 7:31 PM on December 11, 2012

The Whelk: Mac and cheese sandwiches...fried in bacon fat.

Bacon fat from the bacon you fried to place between the Mac & Cheese and the sliced cheese lining the bread of your sandwich.

It's Raining Florence Henderson is spot on about the tunnel of drear that is the South King/North Pierce County weather system from October to mid-March. Dusk at 3:15, and full on dark by 4:30... It really can make you feel like you hate just about everything except outlandish comfort food and strong drink and plenty of it. Fortunately there is no shortage of either.
posted by Pudhoho at 7:36 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

It rains, it's grim, wolves howl in the wilderness ...

No. That was folk like me, howling when the broadband there went down. At low tide. I kid you not. (Contains misquote from me; "it's f*cking shite" was changed to "it's good". I hate dodgy journalists.)

... it rains again.

Hmmm. (Looks at my pictures of the local beach in the half decade I lived there). Nope. Or, at best/worst, infrequently.

You go on holiday to local beach, which has a sewage pipe in the middle and it rains there too.

Well, apart from having some of the world's greatest beaches, off Scottish Islands.

Welcome us with open arms to your great american internet thing.

The net has many ancestors. Bad news for ardent Scots about the ancestry of the acknowledged web founder, though ;-)

VOTE SNP

Done. Angus MacNeill in 2005. Canny crofter. Owes me a dram.
posted by Wordshore at 7:38 PM on December 11, 2012

I just want to say that I fookin' love the Scots. They have been bery bery good to me and in return I introduced a number of them to the delights of chicken and waffles,
posted by octobersurprise at 7:44 PM on December 11, 2012

As an aside, has anyone ever seen sgt.serenity and quidnunc kid in the same room together?

No? Well, then...

I really have no idea where I'm going with this.
posted by slogger at 7:45 PM on December 11, 2012

the abyss... unless they're really really good at writing extremely different styles of memail
posted by infini at 7:53 PM on December 11, 2012

Hey man, for what it's worth I love the story arc of Golden Age of Ballooning where the Scottish gangster pretends to be Louis the XIX and smacks some effete Frenchmen around. Well done, Scotland!
posted by Mister_A at 8:00 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Paul Hogan is wicked funny too! Woo-hoo Scotland!
posted by Mister_A at 8:02 PM on December 11, 2012

> Cold rain is horrible. I pity you. If only you had lots of snow.

You don't know shite, pal.

With snow — real below-zero snow — you can wear down, and stay warm. But with diagonal rain just a degree above freezing blatting out the sky, you'll never get warm, but stay shivery, soggy and miserable. I commuted by bike from Pollokshields to Bishopbriggs for a couple of years. The sky got turned off in October, and you didn't get dry until April.
posted by scruss at 8:02 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

To be fair, no one's ever seen the quidnunc kid in any room, ever. He's actually physically incapable of being walled in; the government tried once, but gave up after they'd burned through twenty-seven of their best rooms, houses, huts, &c.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:19 PM on December 11, 2012 [7 favorites]

They should put him in a yurt - only one wall really.
posted by Mister_A at 8:22 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Here's a hint; If the risotto was any good in the first place there wouldn't have been any leftovers for arancini.

Dude, it is amazingly easy to make way too much risotto cause that shit is heavy as fuck, I once made a portion that lasted for nine days, frying it was the only way to preserve it. I can't be the only ine.
posted by The Whelk at 8:23 PM on December 11, 2012

Whelk dear, there are ines all around you if you will only open your heart.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:10 PM on December 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

*swivelneck*
posted by infini at 9:39 PM on December 11, 2012

Holman's also has a Peanut Butter Bacon Burger that is one of my favorite things to eat in Portland.

Man, Lutoslawski, when you stop being vegan you stop being vegan. start being Elvis.
posted by maryr at 10:06 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

due to sound as dated and of the time as mango salsa or food arranged in towers does now.

People don't like mango salsa? What the hell?
posted by small_ruminant at 11:35 PM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I am 11 years old and Scunthorpe is the funniest thing I've heard today

Well don't go to Clitheroe.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:36 AM on December 12, 2012

LOL, and indeed, wut.
posted by Decani at 1:40 AM on December 12, 2012

Hopefully someone has linked this thread as an example for that person down below who was wondering what Metafilter used to be like
posted by Kwine at 1:48 AM on December 12, 2012

Tried, but could not find it MuffinMan.

Not sure when this was posted, but I suspect Buckfast involved somewhere. If it means the Scots stop moaning about every. little. thing, then devolution can't come quickly enough.
posted by zoo at 1:59 AM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

How could we fail to love a country that has opted for deep-fried Mars bars sold in fish-and-chip shops as its national dish? Or has it?
posted by aqsakal at 3:22 AM on December 12, 2012

This thread has gone well with the 30-year-old Ballantine's that I received from a friend the other day. She'd gotten it as a gift, but doesn't care for scotch. Lucky, lucky flapjax.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:30 AM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

So, so good.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:32 AM on December 12, 2012

Yeah, they switched to Ballantines in a lot of Scottish schools now.

Teachers shortage.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:49 AM on December 12, 2012 [4 favorites]

My Bloody Ballantines.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:50 AM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Each day is ...

I've said too much.
posted by Wolof at 4:15 AM on December 12, 2012

No, no, Wolof! Sing it, man, sing it!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:34 AM on December 12, 2012

Staaaaaaaaaay!

I am trying to drink less

whis

kaay.
posted by Wolof at 4:44 AM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

To be fair, no one's ever seen the quidnunc kid in any room, ever.

If only you'd vote for him!
posted by ersatz at 5:19 AM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was busking last summer and these five Scots from a wedding party liked me so much that one of them literally stripped down to nothing, and all of them took off their heavy, seemingly-hand-made heavy wooden shoes and threw them at my guitar!!! That's love! (at least in Vegas) I LOVE THE SCOTS!!! 10 ? A drink, a toke, a (non-Norquistian) pledge, a smoke to Scotland!!! 20 GOTO 10

We have a piper down! We have a downed piper!
posted by riverlife at 5:23 AM on December 12, 2012

(That last comment is very possibly what the OP was referencing. Being part Scotch, and the victim of a heavy heavy shoeing of kinlove, I'll claim privilege, I'll take a Scotch mulligan, and bow out now.)
posted by riverlife at 5:27 AM on December 12, 2012

I highly doubt you're part Scotch but you may very well be part Scots... That said, I'm in favor of some kind of whiskey-human hybrid in the future.
posted by pammeke at 6:08 AM on December 12, 2012

librarylis:

"...deep fried Twinkies ..."

It's bad enough that they're gone. Do you have to twist the knife?!
posted by double block and bleed at 6:38 AM on December 12, 2012

I'm still not giving back the scone of stone. It's a hard pastry, mind you, but it's MY pastry now. Meh.
posted by Atreides at 6:55 AM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Relax, Twinkies will be back. And bigger than ever with theme parks and product line expansions once the licensing is all worked out!
posted by Burhanistan at 7:03 AM on December 12, 2012

Well I wasn't too hungry till I read this thread. Now I require deep fried Mac n' Cheese.

When I first heard of deep fried Twinkies/Oreos/Snickers bar, I was overtaken with revulsion, then I tried a deep fried Oreo. Seriously folks, don't knock it till you try it.
posted by Twain Device at 7:11 AM on December 12, 2012

Is it Scots or Scotch?
posted by whimsicalnymph at 8:16 AM on December 12, 2012

The first is a language the second is a drink.
posted by The Whelk at 8:24 AM on December 12, 2012

I highly doubt you're part Scotch

The empty bottle of Macallan in my recycling bin indicates I was approximately .42% scotch when I went to bed.
posted by dersins at 8:25 AM on December 12, 2012 [7 favorites]

They should put him in a yurt - only one wall really

Kazakhstan Library: möbius yurt
posted by zippy at 8:38 AM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

Some men just want to watch the world deep-fry.

I'll be home in 9 days, and this thread is making my heart hurt on at least 2 levels.
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 8:42 AM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

You are the reason I could not view this thread while I was at work at the high school.

So that's still a thing? Awesome!

Can I change my username to SCUNTHORPE? Pretty please?
posted by Jehan at 9:12 AM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

I walk past the Portobello sewage pipe every day. Shown here in image 2 looking somewhat sheepish after weechin' lots of jobbies into the Firth of Forth a few years ago

The path between the railway and the sewage plant is great for apples, brambles, foxes and whatever skittery wee red thing was i saw that one time and is the only place i ever see porn in its natural environment* nowadays.
posted by gnuhavenpier at 9:28 AM on December 12, 2012

People don't like mango salsa?

Not when it contains the foetid direweed of K'xet, called slannt-Roew by the cult that uses it in their ghastly rituals, as mango salsa all too often does.

Without that pernicious herb, mango salsa is delightful.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:10 AM on December 12, 2012 [4 favorites]

foetid direweed

Ah, I can call it that from now on!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:46 AM on December 12, 2012

My high school used to serve the most delicious snack: a large roll with hot, gooey cheese in the middle, called a zombie (why, I do not know).

For 40 cents (ah, the 80s), it was the perfect mid-morning pick-me-up. If they didn't sell out at break, you could get them at lunch, but by then they were cold and nowhere near as tasty. I still remember them fondly.
posted by mogget at 10:57 AM on December 12, 2012

This is Portland except replace the wolves with chickens the neighbor is raising in their backyard.

I'll betcha that Scotland does not have urban coyotes getting on the MAX, either.
posted by Danf at 11:13 AM on December 12, 2012

a large roll with hot, gooey cheese in the middle, called a zombie (why, I do not know).

Because they induced a zombie-state-ish food coma, perhaps?
posted by Pudhoho at 11:22 AM on December 12, 2012

I can recommend the movie Sweet Sixteen.
posted by WalkingAround at 12:33 PM on December 12, 2012

To be fair, no one's ever seen the quidnunc kid in any room, ever.

I've met him! In your face, Cortex!

Although....we weren't actually in a room....we were in a pub beer garden. Even though it was really cold....hmmm....suspicious...
posted by Infinite Jest at 2:35 PM on December 12, 2012

Is it Scots or Scotch?
The first is a language the second is a drink. Egg godamn it Egg.
posted by adamvasco at 3:13 PM on December 12, 2012

Is it Scots or Scotch?
adamvasco: The first is a language the second is a drink. Egg godamn it Egg.

But apparently that's less authentically Scottish than the drink.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:25 PM on December 12, 2012

whatever skittery wee red thing

Jimmy Krankie?
posted by arcticseal at 3:40 PM on December 12, 2012

All True Salsa contains cilantro. Avoiding the mango will not help you.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:07 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

"No True Salsa would omit cilantro"?
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:11 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Indeed, Greg_Ace.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:26 PM on December 12, 2012

Did we stop the US bid for indepence ?

how many sixpence would make indepence?
posted by pyramid termite at 6:39 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

or is that where quonsar keeps his fish?
posted by pyramid termite at 6:39 PM on December 12, 2012

My great great grandmother supports your FPP wholeheartedly, or would if she wasn't stone dead all these years.

my other ancestors as well
posted by davejay at 9:10 PM on December 12, 2012

Hell, most of us LOVE the damn scotch. And those nice people who make it.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:07 AM on December 13, 2012

9th generation Glaswegian here.
I love that feeling I get when I catch a tram in Melbourne and realise I only very slightly resemble a few of the people begging for change...
And that's "realise" with an "s", anyone want to fight me on that? Or is your wee hurricane causing your wains to greet?
posted by evil_esto at 6:16 AM on December 13, 2012

Yes, 9th, they didnt bother then.
posted by evil_esto at 6:19 AM on December 13, 2012

I'd like to see a change in attitude towards Scottish people on Metafilter. FTFY (Using this ironically.)

I did some hitchhiking around Scotland 30+ years ago. (Kids, don't try this, no idea how unsafe it is these days.) Got a ride from a Scottish Nationalist who gave me the story of Scotland from the Nationalist viewpoint, and bought me dinner in the town my family emigrated from. It reminds me of my beloved Maine. The weather is severe, and the people are a bit severe, as well, but also loyal, strong, serious, fun, honest, etc. Can't understand a word they're saying, but am charmed, nonetheless. Would go back in a heartbeat.
posted by theora55 at 6:37 AM on December 13, 2012

I love that feeling I get when I catch a tram in Melbourne and realise I only very slightly resemble a few of the people begging for change...

You mean racism?
posted by Sys Rq at 10:04 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

Yeah, that sounds kinda racist.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:45 AM on December 13, 2012

I'm surprised we have even a single Scottish member willing to pony up $5.

Hey, cuntybaws, could your next bit be about how white guys do this while black guys do that?
posted by fightorflight at 3:27 AM on December 14, 2012

I love that feeling I get when I catch a tram in Melbourne and realise I only very slightly resemble a few of the people begging for change...

You mean racism?

I don't know if that's the conclusion I'd leap to in this case. I've been to Melbourne, granted it was in 1995, but that was the first time where I saw beggars who didn't look like me. And I'm from Calcutta.
posted by infini at 4:57 AM on December 14, 2012

Sometimes it's the threads we have the least hope for that turn out to be the most entertaining. Thanks, guys. But COME ON, who in their right mind is going to disparage leftovers? That's a bridge too far.
posted by psoas at 7:11 AM on December 14, 2012

> that was the first time where I saw beggars who didn't look like me

I can dig that explanation. I remember seeing white people (probably Israelis?) selling cheap knock off watches and wallets in public areas near subway stations in Tokyo, so that was something unique after seeing black West Africans selling similar wares outside of NYC subway stations just a few weeks prior. That was kind of eye opening, in a way.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:43 AM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Scots rock, they always poke at the scots just because they could read and build and think before the rest of "Great Britain".
posted by clavdivs at 11:07 AM on December 14, 2012

Can. Not. Believe. that Portobello beach is getting namechecked in Metatalk. My worlds are colliding. I swim there loads. Swam right through the winter one year. At least when the sewage is drifting in the right direction it warms the water up a bit. (I joke! The water's clean! Don't set the SEPA wolves on me...!)
posted by penguin pie at 5:10 PM on December 15, 2012