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AskMe To The Rescue!
February 24, 2013 8:16 AM   Subscribe

I love it when a real-time AskMe ends well.
posted by The Whelk to MetaFilter-Related at 8:16 AM (67 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

This is my favorite.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:17 AM on February 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


The find my cat thread was my favorite of these.
posted by pie ninja at 8:22 AM on February 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Another classic, IMO.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 8:33 AM on February 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


I was really hoping this would be about this.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:35 AM on February 24, 2013 [16 favorites]


I was glad to be of service. :)
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:36 AM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Mark that sucker "Resolved, dammit!"
posted by ardgedee at 8:43 AM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was hoping for an update on this question.
posted by grouse at 8:49 AM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Cat Lost at Devil's Tower Thread kept me on the edge of my seat for a couple of days. Husband went above and beyond.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:52 AM on February 24, 2013 [16 favorites]


God I love hotel lobbies and lounges. They're always so under-used and over-designed.
posted by carsonb at 9:16 AM on February 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


Has anybody seen my keys?
posted by DreamerFi at 10:34 AM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Because heart-warming stories and emotional roller-coaster rides (including some tears) are a great way to spend a Sunday morning.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:40 AM on February 24, 2013


Has anybody seen my keys?

Try behind the couch.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:43 AM on February 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


And while you're back there, if you find my keys, memail me.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 11:04 AM on February 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I am in Philly, with two cats. Help me find somewhere that will grade forty students essays before 8:15 AM.
posted by angrycat at 11:24 AM on February 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


I am in Philly, with two cats. Help me find somewhere that will grade forty students essays before 8:15 AM.

I am in Philly, with one cat. MeMail me.
posted by DoubleLune at 11:27 AM on February 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yo, New York hot chocolate experts, there used to be a place in the 20s I think between 5th and 6th. It was a standard New York style chocolate room but they had hot chocolate that was more like warm chocolate pudding. Is it still there? What is the name?
posted by Ad hominem at 11:31 AM on February 24, 2013


We were just talking about the one with the guy stuck in an elevator and he could only post from his kindle in a random fpp.
posted by rtha at 11:36 AM on February 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


I should invent cats to include in future AskMes as apparently the guidelines go right out the window when they're involved. Though honestly it's probably the peril.
posted by ODiV at 11:41 AM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Help me design a suspension bridge that will withstand the winds of the Tacoma Narrows. I have a cat.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:51 AM on February 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


I am in Philly, with two cats. Help me find somewhere that will grade forty students essays before 8:15 AM.

When I did my student teaching I was put with the worst teacher. She had all these stupid ideas, and was too lazy to boot. Her students never got A's B's and F's and such. They got checks, check minuses, check plus, and if it was super amazing the ultra rare check plus plus! Seriously. This is fine I guess, since an F is didn't do it, and the check plus plus is essentially harder to get than an A, but you have to actually grade some papers for any system to work.

Instead she handed me much of a semester's papers ungraded, explained her no one gets their feelings hurt system of grading (I guess she thought her students were dumber than her grading system), and expected me to spend a week grading. Students were allowed to come see me to contest any grade granted, but I hadn't read the material I was grading for (I did mention she was not good at her job, right. Not like she could have given me a heads up).

I showed the stack to a friend. Complained about how long is was going to take. He grabbed a pen and said, "The better the handwriting the worse the grade. The worse the handwriting the better the grade." His opinion or theory was that people with perfect penmanship deserved to get at least a crap grade or two in their lifetimes and that people with super shitty handwriting were going to grow up to be doctors and other brilliant people.

We graded that whole stack in under 20 minutes and then went and had beers. Not one student contested a grade and the teach was so happy to be caught up on grading and I got beer. Everyone one.

So what I am saying is, get that grading done by 8:15 PM and go get some beer.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:55 AM on February 24, 2013 [20 favorites]


Everyone one.

CHECK MINUS!

I kid!

cjorgensen, did you know the kids prior to having to grade the homework? With this kind of stupid 3-phase grading system, you could probably grade the papers on the basis of the name alone (Johnny's the smart kid, check plus, Jimmy's an idiot slacker, check minus, etc.).
posted by axiom at 12:09 PM on February 24, 2013


The "Should I seek immediate medical attention instead of posting on the Internet?" questions are also pretty suspenseful.
posted by ceribus peribus at 12:19 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Guy stuck in the elevator. MeTa.

I really liked the one about the cat in heat stuck in the bathroom.
posted by young sister beacon at 12:32 PM on February 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


My standard answer for lost keys/wallet/etc is: check in the freezer.
I was right once.
In 1992.
And the person whose wallet it was hasn't forgotten that yet.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:50 PM on February 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


I did not know the kids prior to doing my student teaching. The teacher asked me if I could type on the first day. I said yes so she used me as a typist. I was supposed to keep a one page log for every hour I spent in the classroom. This was challenging even for me. I started writing these essays about how I should be the one grading her and that no student teachers should ever be placed with her again, since she was effectively using me as worse than unpaid labor because I was paying tuition to be in that class. I typed again today. I typed well and fast and with few errors.

My fired found a kid in the stack that shared his name, so gave that kid a check plus. There was another student that was on trial for attempted murder of her mother's boyfriend. She managed to turn in exactly one assignment all year. She too got a check plus. Everyone else we did based on handwriting alone.

I was a literary studies major and to this day the only thing I know about Antigone is the 200 student papers I read on it (this was prior to my friend arriving and inventing speed grading).

If anyone here is truly mortified, let me point out I did not become a teacher, but I was once allowed in a classroom during the lunch hour to make a Thanksgiving bulletin board. I gave a bunch of horrible grades just trying to get some interactions with students that I could write about. It's didn't work.

My student teachership convinced me I had no desire to be a teacher.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:01 PM on February 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Has anybody seen my keys?

Heck, has anyone seen my sense of wonder and joy? I might have left it in my pocket when I did the wash, and all I have left is mildly cynical pessimism.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:07 PM on February 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


I have just had brunch and a lot of mimosas. Has anyone seen my motivation?
posted by rtha at 1:09 PM on February 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Heck, has anyone seen my sense of wonder and joy?

Have you tried looking outside through the window, among the falling snow? Sometimes that's where I leave it.
posted by benito.strauss at 1:10 PM on February 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


I've lost my youthful idealism.
posted by ceribus peribus at 1:13 PM on February 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


lets just nap until the oscars rtha

lets be honest thats all that was gonna happen today anyway
posted by The Whelk at 1:16 PM on February 24, 2013


I just started a load of laundry! Now I'm gonna sit around and contemplate....things.
posted by rtha at 1:36 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ew, ew, ew. Whipped cream upper lips. Food on faces, especially if there's facial hair involved, gives me the willies. NAPKIN. WASHCLOTH. GARDEN HOSE. Oh, god.
posted by houseofdanie at 1:44 PM on February 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


My standard answer for lost keys/wallet/etc is: check in the freezer.
I was right once.


I have a dear friend who is actually a remarkably sane and balanced person. Except when it comes to her kids.

There came a day when I couldn't find my keys. I had spent several hours looking, tearing the house apart. It occurred to me that her family had been over the night before and I thought there was a small chance that one of the kids -- they are all the type of people who pick up and absently fiddle with small objects -- had accidentally stuffed them in a pocket or something. I called her up and asked her to check.

Man, did I get an earful:
K: "My kids don't do things like that."
T: "I know they wouldn't do it on purpose, I'm just thinking that might have done it by accident."
K: "My kids do *not* do things like that."

So I went to the plan B and got out my backup keys except the backup car keys turned out to be for my old car. Making new keys is not a cheap proposition for what I drive. $120/key later I had a primary key and two spares.

And three days later I get the call:
K: "Remember the keys you lost?"
T: "Yessss?"
K: "I think I was fiddling with them that night and dropped them in my purse by accident. I have them right here."

Given how prickly she gets about the kids I did not mention the earlier phone call. Then. But I'm waiting. Oh yes, I'm waiting. There will come the perfect moment and she will hear All. About. It.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:21 PM on February 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


I wish this thread had been up on Saturday, when I went to school (no classes, still went) and graded essays and speeches for roughly twelve hours. I got another twenty done yesterday, and have fifteen left to get done in the next five hours.

So, this handwriting thing, do you think they would notice if I switched grading techniques midstream?
posted by Ghidorah at 2:31 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am going to start a paper grading business. The world obviously needs me.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:41 PM on February 24, 2013


I feel like I drank a half a bottle of cheap champagne at a brunch meetup in the sun.

I have found the will to nap, is what I am saying.
posted by gingerbeer at 2:44 PM on February 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


My standard answer for lost keys/wallet/etc is: check in the freezer.

While cooking dinner last night, the Red Thoughts consort couldn't find the salt. I was enlisted to carry out the search. I remembered this advice - it was, indeed, in the freezer.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:02 PM on February 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


My fiancee has two cats. But she and they are 4,000 miles away, and I am stuck here, until the socialist medical system fixes my wrecked body so I can return to the USA and participate in dangerous activities e.g. eating deep fried food with no medical insurance. I have no cat. I like cats. My fiancee has tried pushing one cat down the Internet tubes to me but it is too large to fit. The other cat and I don't get on anyway. I have been trying to tempt next doors cat into my room using a Hershey bar I bought at Chicago airport and took one bite out of. I don't like Hershey bars. The cat is also unimpressed with them. The owners of the cat think I am trying to steal it to sell on Craigslist and glare at me. How do I get a cat? Help me MetaFilter; you're my only hope.
posted by Wordshore at 3:33 PM on February 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Therapy!
posted by rtha at 3:39 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I did find my dad's keys in the fridge once. At least once. If you've met my dad (and some of you have) this will come as no surprise.

It doesn't beat the time my cat stuffed my keys into a newly-purchased package of toilet paper, though. That one took a while to figure out.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 3:51 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Therapy!

No, mindful meditation!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:03 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


A friend related a Young-And-Dumb tale once where he was stomping about the house, looking for his keys under everything, and cursing through his clenched teeth because they were nowhere to be found. His wife looked at him after a minute & said "What are you looking for?" and he shouted at her "Leave me alone!" through his clenched teeth, right as he was realizing that his teeth were clenched because his keys were in them.

I have also spent a fair amount of time on one or two occasions looking about for keys that were already in my hand - it's unnerving when you have to accept that yes, I did that.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:03 PM on February 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Y'all need a bowl or hooks or something to put your keys on/in when you come in the front door.
posted by deborah at 4:54 PM on February 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


I seem to have difficulty differentiating between my mobile Metafilter delivery device (my phone) and the important emergency contact device if I'm leaving my house (my...same phone).

This has led to me looking for my phone by light of my phone. The selfsame, only phone that I own.

I generally find it fairly quickly.
posted by RainyJay at 4:58 PM on February 24, 2013 [15 favorites]


I once found my keys in the vegetable crisper, after almost 2 hours of searching the apartment. I now have a hook by the door on which I hang my keys the moment I come home.
posted by a hat out of hell at 5:31 PM on February 24, 2013


I can honestly swear that I have never found my keys in any section of my refrigerator.

Just don't ask me about my watch.

Or my eyeglasses.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:26 PM on February 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


My freezer theory works better than I thought.
posted by sciencegeek at 6:29 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is like how the commentary on Shakespeare is more voluminous than all of the actual Shakespeare.
posted by turgid dahlia 2 at 6:33 PM on February 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yo, New York hot chocolate experts, there used to be a place in the 20s I think between 5th and 6th. It was a standard New York style chocolate room but they had hot chocolate that was more like warm chocolate pudding. Is it still there? What is the name?

I'm guessing you're thinking of City Bakery, on 18th Street between 5th and 6th, which does indeed have pretty bangin' hot chocolate.
posted by davidjmcgee at 6:45 PM on February 24, 2013


rtha : "I have just had brunch and a lot of mimosas. Has anyone seen my motivation?"

Clearly we need to have a meetup at District in Oakland. (What, me looking for plausible deniability WRT mimosas? No, nothing of the sort.)
posted by Lexica at 6:54 PM on February 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


A friend of mine that I used to work with was once rummaging through the office and swearing. I asked what he was looking for, and he said that he'd lost the stylus to ha wacom tablet. Because I am a total bastard I actually waited a few minutes before telling him that it was stuck into his rather voluminous dreadlocks.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:18 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I once lost the pen I was JUST USING, and after searching all around my desk, my bag, my purse, etc., for even just one more pen, I went upstairs to the supply closet to solve this massive pen shortage. I FINALLY got back to work, and after writing a few sentences, I paused, and before grabbing a highlighter, I reached up to set the pen behind my ear -- where I discovered the other one.
posted by salvia at 9:36 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I actually put keys in refrigerators on a fairly regular basis. I often turn off refrigerators to stop them from making noise during interviews, and put the van keys in there so I can't leave without remembering to turn it back on. I don't want to be responsible for ruining somebody's groceries!

On preview - salvia that anecdote almost seems eponysterical.
posted by zoinks at 9:42 PM on February 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Two days after I got Lasik I woke up in the morning and found my eyes were wonky. I figured it was early morning weirdness but the more I woke up the more eye-wateringly distorted my vision got.

Several minutes of panic later I realized that I had put on my glasses. I *wish* I had left them in the refrigerator.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:54 PM on February 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


I set up "loss proof" systems which I foil, usually due to weariness or attempted cleverness.
Bike keys go in my change purse...except when I threaded them through my next-day's shoelaces (I chose not to wear those shoes after all).
My wallet goes on an old fashioned wooden board with grooves for pens & coins and a stand for letters...except when I decide to leave it in the purse I used today, forgot it in today's pocket, left in the bathroom when I dashed in to take a piss.
This sort of thing happens once or twice a week. It's incredibly annoying, but if it's not my wallet, it's somehow all 30 chaptsticks that I own (because I put them all together in a baggie in put them in a drawer).

When I was younger, I thought it was cute to put money in books about finances. 2 years later, I'm shaking out a small stack of $20's I forgot I had.
posted by DisreputableDog at 10:18 PM on February 24, 2013


When I was a kid, my father would put his reading glasses on top of his head after he finished reading something, come downstairs to make a sandwich, and then spend 15 minutes after lunch wandering around the house, looking for his glasses. Which he usually discovered by walking past one of us and asking, "Have you seen my glasses?"
posted by colfax at 6:26 AM on February 25, 2013


I have also looked for my glasses while wearing them. I think I need to update my prescription.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:37 AM on February 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


As I type, we have a semi-feral cat hiding in our ceiling, and pretty soon I'm going to have to figure how to get her to come out of there, and I will have questions. I have been thinking about how much AskMe is going to enjoy that one.
posted by peagood at 6:44 AM on February 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


peagood: Release a few semi-feral rats in your living room. The cat may or may not come down from the ceiling, but it probably won't starve.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:08 AM on February 25, 2013


You'll need a semi-feral dog to chase the cat out and then a semi-feral goat to chase the dog out and then a semi-feral cow to chase the goat out and I don't know how a cow got into your ceiling, I guess it'll break through and then you'll die.
posted by maryr at 10:09 AM on February 25, 2013 [8 favorites]


It's nice when we find a use for the 8th floor of the Marriott other than peeing.
posted by Lutoslawski at 3:54 PM on February 25, 2013


Endless peeing and hot chocolate. Maybe some cozy couches. Nice way to wrap up an evening.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 8:24 PM on February 25, 2013


thought there was a small chance that one of the kids -- they are all the type of people who pick up and absently fiddle with small objects -- had accidentally stuffed them in a pocket or something.

My son has done a couple times, both times when I was late for work. This is how he learned the F-word.

I can't for the life of me understand why my wife doesn't understand what's fall on the floor hysterical about a 2 year old walking around going "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!"
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:56 PM on February 25, 2013


I found 12 cats.
We still have six of them.
The rest got away.
posted by mule98J at 6:22 AM on February 26, 2013


Just yesterday my coworker messaged me that her keys had been stolen (including office key) only to message me a bit later that she'd actually tossed her keys in the cabinet with the dog's leash.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:22 AM on February 26, 2013


Semi-feral cat has been found! And without the use of any other semi-feral animals, though I was so looking forward to getting a house goat.

But THANK YOU, AskMe, because this thread is helping me now, because the only reason I got my hands on her is that she was slow from not eating much - though I think I caught her early enough. Please answer yes to any "My owner keeps trying to stuff little meat balls and syringes of stuff in my mouth five times a day - should I eat it?" questions that may mysteriously appear from my account -- or, say, from someone calling themselves "bathroomcat" or "'fraidycat."
posted by peagood at 10:39 AM on February 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Fyi, It's been posted in the missing persons thread that jacquilynne linked to that they've apparently been located alive & safe. Front page of CNN, too, right now.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:07 PM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


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