Presidential Deathmatch May 23, 2013 3:44 PM Subscribe
I remember reading something linked here around a year ago which ranked all U.S. presidents in terms of toughness, however I can't find it in search. Does anyone else remember this?
Thanks. I was looking at the presidents tag, and it's tagged as president.
posted by codacorolla at 4:03 PM on May 23, 2013
posted by codacorolla at 4:03 PM on May 23, 2013
Teddy R is a lock.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:29 PM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:29 PM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Never bring a Teddy Ruxpin to a knife fight. Unless he has a knife hidden inside him. Or a bazooka. Preferably, a bazooka.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:34 PM on May 23, 2013
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:34 PM on May 23, 2013
I missed this the first time around. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Very funny.
posted by marsha56 at 4:44 PM on May 23, 2013
posted by marsha56 at 4:44 PM on May 23, 2013
Wow, I got a 5 on the AP US History exam and I still had to click on Benjamin Harrison's name to see if he was a real president or not. People joke about Monroe and Fillmore but I literally had zero memory of Harrison part two.
posted by that's how you get ants at 6:22 PM on May 23, 2013
posted by that's how you get ants at 6:22 PM on May 23, 2013
In Canada it's no contest: Jean Chrétien. He demonstrated his street fighting skills while in office by publicly strangling an anti-poverty protester, a move thereafter known as the Shawinigan Handshake.
"some people came my way... and I had to go, so if you're in my way...."
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 7:42 PM on May 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
"some people came my way... and I had to go, so if you're in my way...."
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 7:42 PM on May 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
Much cooler to have this fight be taking place, as I imagined it, on Riverworld
But then you miss out on all the 19th c. funky facial hair, bummer.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:07 PM on May 23, 2013
But then you miss out on all the 19th c. funky facial hair, bummer.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:07 PM on May 23, 2013
JFK in the top 10? Rich preppie boy with Addison's on chronic pain meds? First dead, even ahead of Carter.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:56 PM on May 23, 2013
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:56 PM on May 23, 2013
JFK in the top 10? Rich preppie boy with Addison's on chronic pain meds? First dead, even ahead of Carter.
Kennedy won the Navy and Marine Corps Medal for battlefield courage. "Kennedy, despite re-injury to his back in the collision, towed a badly burned crewman through the water with a life jacket strap clenched between his teeth. He towed the wounded man to the island, and later to a second island..." In his teeth. Surely that's top 10 material.
For that matter, Carter was a submarine captain who once shut down a nuclear reactor that was melting down with a wrench. Not a pacifist, not a coward. You think someone like Taft would even slow him down?
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:47 PM on May 23, 2013 [8 favorites]
Kennedy won the Navy and Marine Corps Medal for battlefield courage. "Kennedy, despite re-injury to his back in the collision, towed a badly burned crewman through the water with a life jacket strap clenched between his teeth. He towed the wounded man to the island, and later to a second island..." In his teeth. Surely that's top 10 material.
For that matter, Carter was a submarine captain who once shut down a nuclear reactor that was melting down with a wrench. Not a pacifist, not a coward. You think someone like Taft would even slow him down?
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:47 PM on May 23, 2013 [8 favorites]
Taft had the reach. Big guy. Long arms. Sure, the conditioning might not be there, but if it's a short fight, you gotta go with the big guy. Just think about the final fight scene in Rob Roy. Who's grabbing the rapier? Taft would. T. Roosevelt, Washington, Grant, Truman, not many others.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:29 PM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ghidorah at 10:29 PM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
John Tyler is in my family tree, so I have to represent. But, damn, I can't really argue with this prediction, scalping and all.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 5:30 AM on May 24, 2013
posted by C'est la D.C. at 5:30 AM on May 24, 2013
Here's the thing about FDR, as I learned during a visit to Hyde Park: the guy must have been JACKED.
His elevator was basically a glorified dumbwaiter, the ropes of which he pulled himself. But the main thing is that he was so terrified of getting trapped upstairs by fire that he would take every single opportunity in the middle of the night to practice pulling himself down the hall, down the stairs and out the door using just his arm strength, sans chair. (Because god forbid he have a. a bedroom on the first floor or b. a second-floor bedroom remotely close to any form of egress -- it was at the end of the hall, because that's where he'd ALWAYS slept.) If I remember correctly, he would not only time himself but sometimes pull pranks on his guests by sneaking out soundlessly without using the elevator.
Basically, he's used to compensating for his missing abilities by finding tricks around them, so he's wily, too. FDR: true American badass.
The other thing about rich preppie boys -- Roosevelts and Kennedys included -- is that they tend to be risk-seekers, or at least have the opportunity to engage in outlandish and dangerous pursuits without worrying so much about petty things like "health insurance" or "other people's property." JFK Jr. went down in a small plane, right? He was not super experienced, didn't have the proper flight rating for the weather, AND had a broken ankle, but he went out anyway. In his own plane. So you've got both hubris and the means to dig your own grave -- and, quite often, nobody to tell you that it's a bad idea. That could go both ways.
TR may have shot 1100 "specimens" on his 1909 safari, but his eyesight was still so bad that he took a ridiculous amount of shots to get them. I want to say it was something outlandish like 1 million bullets. Even then, they had to put some of them literally right in front of him. Still, I'm not knocking him out of contention.
I think LBJ goes REALLY far. He's Texan, he's crazy as shit, and he does whatever the fuck he wants.
posted by Madamina at 7:55 AM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
His elevator was basically a glorified dumbwaiter, the ropes of which he pulled himself. But the main thing is that he was so terrified of getting trapped upstairs by fire that he would take every single opportunity in the middle of the night to practice pulling himself down the hall, down the stairs and out the door using just his arm strength, sans chair. (Because god forbid he have a. a bedroom on the first floor or b. a second-floor bedroom remotely close to any form of egress -- it was at the end of the hall, because that's where he'd ALWAYS slept.) If I remember correctly, he would not only time himself but sometimes pull pranks on his guests by sneaking out soundlessly without using the elevator.
Basically, he's used to compensating for his missing abilities by finding tricks around them, so he's wily, too. FDR: true American badass.
The other thing about rich preppie boys -- Roosevelts and Kennedys included -- is that they tend to be risk-seekers, or at least have the opportunity to engage in outlandish and dangerous pursuits without worrying so much about petty things like "health insurance" or "other people's property." JFK Jr. went down in a small plane, right? He was not super experienced, didn't have the proper flight rating for the weather, AND had a broken ankle, but he went out anyway. In his own plane. So you've got both hubris and the means to dig your own grave -- and, quite often, nobody to tell you that it's a bad idea. That could go both ways.
TR may have shot 1100 "specimens" on his 1909 safari, but his eyesight was still so bad that he took a ridiculous amount of shots to get them. I want to say it was something outlandish like 1 million bullets. Even then, they had to put some of them literally right in front of him. Still, I'm not knocking him out of contention.
I think LBJ goes REALLY far. He's Texan, he's crazy as shit, and he does whatever the fuck he wants.
posted by Madamina at 7:55 AM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
Just so long as someone skins Andrew Jackson alive I'm fine.
posted by The Whelk at 9:09 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 9:09 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
That's the other thing. Jimmy Carter? The boy is country.
Wouldn't put it past him.
posted by Madamina at 9:11 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Wouldn't put it past him.
posted by Madamina at 9:11 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Carter is totally the stone silent assassin type who garrotes you just when you think you're safe and alone.
"Shhh, quiet now, the pain is over."
posted by The Whelk at 9:12 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Shhh, quiet now, the pain is over."
posted by The Whelk at 9:12 AM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, I have no idea what Jean Chrétien sounds like, but I am reading that Shawinigan Handshake quote in the voice of the goalie from Slap Shot.
"You do dat, you go to de box, you know, two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know... and then you get free."
posted by Madamina at 9:16 AM on May 24, 2013
"You do dat, you go to de box, you know, two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know... and then you get free."
posted by Madamina at 9:16 AM on May 24, 2013
Actually, Chrétien's accent in English is like that but heavier. It results from a combination of English being his second language and a rather nasty stroke that also partially paralyzed his face.
His facial paralysis and accent became an election issue at one point. The Progressive Conservatives ran ads making fun of him. This was a serious mistake because 1) making fun of someone for having had a stroke is pretty shoddy and 2) his accent actually sounds pretty cool, like a stereotypical Italian mob boss but Quebec francophone. Chrétien got a majority government, the clown shoes Progressive Conservatives got knocked down to 2 seats and never recovered as a party.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:42 AM on May 24, 2013
His facial paralysis and accent became an election issue at one point. The Progressive Conservatives ran ads making fun of him. This was a serious mistake because 1) making fun of someone for having had a stroke is pretty shoddy and 2) his accent actually sounds pretty cool, like a stereotypical Italian mob boss but Quebec francophone. Chrétien got a majority government, the clown shoes Progressive Conservatives got knocked down to 2 seats and never recovered as a party.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:42 AM on May 24, 2013
Watching that clip, the number of times he refers to his "tird term" delights me.
posted by Madamina at 9:47 AM on May 24, 2013
posted by Madamina at 9:47 AM on May 24, 2013
I just wanted to drop in to say that back in high school, while bored in history class, I ranked all the presidents in terms of hotness.
Franklin Pierce won.
Do with this information what you will.
posted by phunniemee at 11:22 AM on May 24, 2013
Franklin Pierce won.
Do with this information what you will.
posted by phunniemee at 11:22 AM on May 24, 2013
Combo-bush wins. Easy. The evillest person always wins a knife fight.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:47 AM on May 24, 2013
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:47 AM on May 24, 2013
I think LBJ goes REALLY far. He's Texan, he's crazy as shit, and he does whatever the fuck he wants.
I used to have a series of photos showing LBJ basically climbinga senator to get him to agree to some policy. By the end, I imagine the senator knew that, if he said "no," his face would be chewed right off.
Lesson: do not mess with LBJ.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:07 PM on May 24, 2013
I used to have a series of photos showing LBJ basically climbinga senator to get him to agree to some policy. By the end, I imagine the senator knew that, if he said "no," his face would be chewed right off.
Lesson: do not mess with LBJ.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:07 PM on May 24, 2013
I just wanted to drop in to say that back in high school, while bored in history class, I ranked all the presidents in terms of hotness.
Franklin Pierce won.
Do with this information what you will.
So I just looked up pictures of Franklin Pierce out of curiosity, thought, "huh, really?", and went through photos of every US president. Man, that's a less tough contest than I'd expected. The results of my study put him fourth after Ulysses S Grant, Woodrow Wilson, and Barack Obama, though I guess the latter two shouldn't be sitting next to each other and a better knowledge of US history would free up the number two spot quickly?
Since the Irish presidency came pretty quickly after a sort of deathmatch, it seems like ranking them by refusal to fight would be the better metric. No fun.
posted by carbide at 2:08 PM on May 24, 2013
Franklin Pierce won.
Do with this information what you will.
So I just looked up pictures of Franklin Pierce out of curiosity, thought, "huh, really?", and went through photos of every US president. Man, that's a less tough contest than I'd expected. The results of my study put him fourth after Ulysses S Grant, Woodrow Wilson, and Barack Obama, though I guess the latter two shouldn't be sitting next to each other and a better knowledge of US history would free up the number two spot quickly?
Since the Irish presidency came pretty quickly after a sort of deathmatch, it seems like ranking them by refusal to fight would be the better metric. No fun.
posted by carbide at 2:08 PM on May 24, 2013
Buh. Andrew Jackson, AINEC.
20th Century? T Ruse will cut ALL OF US.
posted by notyou at 2:27 AM on May 25, 2013
20th Century? T Ruse will cut ALL OF US.
posted by notyou at 2:27 AM on May 25, 2013
It's a knife fight, so reach is everything. Therefore, Abraham Lincoln (tallest at 6'4" and longest-armed) has a distinct advantage. LBJ might have a shot, I suppose, but Lincoln is thinner and in better shape than LBJ. Teddy Roosevelt was 5'10", Jackson was 6'1" - I would guess that toughness probably favors Jackson, and it's him versus Lincoln at the end.
Lincoln, of course, wins.
posted by graymouser at 6:24 AM on May 25, 2013
Lincoln, of course, wins.
posted by graymouser at 6:24 AM on May 25, 2013
So Lincoln has the arm span, but he doesn't exactly strike me as capable of floating like a butterfly. He'd be lucky to land a few blows just by flailing about with the knife, and then he'd throw out his back or sprain his knee or something.
I'm putting my money on Andrew Jackson. He's like an LBJ for the common man.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 4:51 PM on May 25, 2013
I'm putting my money on Andrew Jackson. He's like an LBJ for the common man.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 4:51 PM on May 25, 2013
I used to have a series of photos showing LBJ basically climbing a senator to get him to agree to some policy.
Probably this sequence of him with RI Sen. Green. Some may also have seen another well-known photo of him, uh, agreeably conversing with Abe Fortas, a reproduction of which was notably hanging in the office of Frank Underwood in House of Cards.
I also read recently (on the blue?) about the Presidential limousine in which JFK was shot having been refurbished and altered for LBJ's use. After it was in service they realized they needed to reinforce the hood, as Johnson had climbed up onto it to give a stemwinder, denting it in the process. They said allegedly but I have zero doubts, myself.
posted by dhartung at 6:28 PM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Probably this sequence of him with RI Sen. Green. Some may also have seen another well-known photo of him, uh, agreeably conversing with Abe Fortas, a reproduction of which was notably hanging in the office of Frank Underwood in House of Cards.
I also read recently (on the blue?) about the Presidential limousine in which JFK was shot having been refurbished and altered for LBJ's use. After it was in service they realized they needed to reinforce the hood, as Johnson had climbed up onto it to give a stemwinder, denting it in the process. They said allegedly but I have zero doubts, myself.
posted by dhartung at 6:28 PM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
People forget that Gerald Ford turned down offers to play in the NFL.
But the guy that was probably in the best physical shape while in office was George W. Bush. Of course, he did that with daily two- and three-hour workouts while prosecuting two wars, so one argues he might have, you know, cut back on the cardio in favor of actually presidenting. On the other hand, you could argue he sucked at presidenting, so anything that kept him out of the Oval was a Good Thing. Ride that mountain bike, Georgie!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:57 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
But the guy that was probably in the best physical shape while in office was George W. Bush. Of course, he did that with daily two- and three-hour workouts while prosecuting two wars, so one argues he might have, you know, cut back on the cardio in favor of actually presidenting. On the other hand, you could argue he sucked at presidenting, so anything that kept him out of the Oval was a Good Thing. Ride that mountain bike, Georgie!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:57 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
The internet has revealed that when FDR was young he was apparently Ryan Gosling, so I may need to re-think my earlier statement of Franklin Pierce.
posted by phunniemee at 10:32 AM on May 28, 2013
posted by phunniemee at 10:32 AM on May 28, 2013
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posted by m@f at 3:59 PM on May 23, 2013 [2 favorites]