AskMe comment on when the cold approach is not cool September 22, 2017 7:43 PM   Subscribe

Hi. I'm trying to find one specific AskMe comment about dating that I remember reading years ago. This could have been 5 or more years ago, and it certainly wasn't within the last year or two.

The OP was probably a straight man, though I'm not sure. The question might have been something like this one, asking about how to spontaneously meet women (?) IRL rather than online. But I've skimmed all the comments on that thread I don't think they're what I'm looking for.

The comment I have in mind was cautioning the OP against randomly approaching strangers in public for dating purposes if that wasn't the kind of thing he'd normally do with all sorts of people who he doesn't necessarily have any interest in dating (e.g. other men if he's straight, or people way outside his age range).

I don't remember if the OP's question was only about doing that kind of "cold approach," or if it was a broader dating question. (If it was the latter, a commenter might have encouraged him to do a cold approach, which might have prompted this other commenter to say: wait a minute, that's not for everyone.)

I found this advice insightful, and I've remembered it ever since. But I was recently telling a friend about this AskMe comment, and my friend was skeptical of the advice and wondered if the commenter said anything else to justify it. I said I'd tried to find the comment and email it to him, although I'm not sure the comment gave any elaboration beyond what I said.

Can anyone find this? Again, I'm looking only for this exact comment. I know there are other threads or comments on Metafilter on the general topic of making a "cold approach," but I'm just looking for the one comment that made the point that you shouldn't do it unless you already do it in a non-dating context. I'm sure it was on AskMetafilter, not any other subsite; for example, I'm definitely not looking for the famous "Hi. Whatcha reading?" post on the blue. Thanks in advance for any help in locating this exact comment.
posted by John Cohen to MetaFilter-Related at 7:43 PM (8 comments total)

Several answers in this thread are along that line.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 9:23 PM on September 22


Those are on the same general theme, but they're not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a negative comment: do not even bother with this approach unless you're already the kind of person who does this with all kinds of people. The comments in that thread are giving more positive advice: start doing this more and more with all kinds of people in order to get better at it (with the eventual goal of dating).
posted by John Cohen at 9:46 AM on September 23

2. Talking to random girls in public
Could theoretically work occasionally for some guys. I don't think it would work for you, because of your nervousness and attitude about it. If it worked, it would be for a guy to whom it came totally naturally to be friendly to strangers. The kind of guy who'd also start up a conversation with a man or a couple or an elderly person or a dog. The kind of guy who is super-skilled at reading subtle signals that let him know if the other party is interested in talking to him, or not. From your description of your personality this does not sound like you. (which is fine.)
DestinationUnknown at 6:48 PM on February 26, 2012
posted by lazuli at 9:52 AM on September 23 [4 favorites]


Wasn't a response to fedora guy, was it? Or something from the resulting MeTa?
posted by dersins at 2:52 PM on September 23


Was it maybe not in AskMe but on Mefi instead? How to talk to strangers/pick up women comes up with men asking how to do it and not be creepy or whatever.

Maybe start here and see if it helps jog your memory?
"Can I Buy You a Coffee?" discusses picking up women in coffee shops
"the existence of greater crimes does not excuse lesser crimes" not asking women up for coffee
"The Pepe LePew Manual on Getting Pussy?" pua culture and dating culture in general
Female Experience Simulator women seen as public property
Hi. Whatcha reading? maybe the highest profile of these sorts of threads
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 4:46 PM on September 23 [1 favorite]


2. Talking to random girls in public
Could theoretically work occasionally for some guys. I don't think it would work for you, because of your nervousness and attitude about it. If it worked, it would be for a guy to whom it came totally naturally to be friendly to strangers. The kind of guy who'd also start up a conversation with a man or a couple or an elderly person or a dog. The kind of guy who is super-skilled at reading subtle signals that let him know if the other party is interested in talking to him, or not. From your description of your personality this does not sound like you. (which is fine.)


Yes, I think that's it! Thank you, lazuli!

Next pony request: A "best answer" button for MeTa! (Just kidding. But it would have been appropriate here.)
posted by John Cohen at 6:14 PM on September 23 [1 favorite]


Was it maybe not in AskMe but on Mefi instead? … Hi. Whatcha reading? maybe the highest profile of these sorts of threads

As I said, lazuli seems to have found the comment, but just for the record, my original post specifically said:
I'm sure it was on AskMetafilter, not any other subsite; for example, I'm definitely not looking for the famous "Hi. Whatcha reading?" post on the blue.
posted by John Cohen at 6:16 PM on September 23


Next pony request: A "best answer" button for MeTa! (Just kidding. But it would have been appropriate here.)

As I was posting it, I thought, "Man, I'm not even going to get a best answer for this!" Nevertheless, glad I could help. (Google search terms were just "dating approaching women men site:ask.metafilter.com," and then I looked for older links. This was the fourth result.)
posted by lazuli at 9:10 PM on September 23 [1 favorite]


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