Fucking Fuck v5.0 October 25, 2017 7:51 PM   Subscribe

This is the new FUCKING WTF thread. The last few weeks months years have been stressful. Please come in to share how you're surviving, to breathe, to vent, to tell us about happy things and victories small and large, whatever's on your mind. I love you all.
posted by lalex to MetaFilter-Related at 7:51 PM (96 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

I have cut off my parents. It’s been about a year since I was able to deduce from social media posts that my mom was going to pull the lever for the pussy-grabber...I guess I have to let it go somehow eventually, but I am in a holding pattern, waiting to see what happens. Not a day goes by I don’t think about it, and but then another EPA standard out the window or a new cruelty against the powerless or some abusive outrage of unspeakable inanity occurs and I my resolve is refreshed, but what a hell.
posted by bird internet at 8:06 PM on October 25 [14 favorites]


Oh hey, I watched a Kim Stanley Robinson YouTube video from 2015 today, that was a happy thing.
posted by aniola at 8:15 PM on October 25 [2 favorites]


Fucking weekend work while salaried. But today the client’s vendor, who is also our most dangerous competitor, delivered materials so fundamentally broken that I realized they’re not personally fucking me, just keeping costs low and impersonally fucking me. Right now being disregarded is better than being actively hated.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:17 PM on October 25 [6 favorites]


I was part of the Melbourne Festival production of Taylor Mac's 24 Decade History of Popular Music over the past two weeks. It was an incredible, intense, overwhelming extravaganza of art and music and magic and queerness and SO MUCH LOVE. Definitely one of the best things I've ever done.

(Someone please do an FPP about Taylor Mac please please I'd love you forever)

Show drop is the fucking worst though, and it doesn't help that one of my best friends (who was instrumental to my success in the show) is leaving for Sweden in about a week for 8 months. I'm missing him already.

SO MANY FEELS I've been crying every day but so full of love too but ohhhh
posted by divabat at 8:29 PM on October 25 [6 favorites]


My job sucks right now, but I keep reminding myself that at least I have a job. I also keep reminding myself that my job is what I do, but it’s not who I am. When I can manage to remember that I feel better for awhile.
Plus—Quonsmas is coming up!!!
posted by bookmammal at 8:38 PM on October 25 [5 favorites]


Today I learned that an acquaintance's one year old baby is named Donald and went through a whole thought process of how could someone name an innocent child Donald in America in October of 2016 ..... well, he probably was named after someone and she wanted to use the name she had planned on ...... or possibly, dear God, could it be on purpose in honor of Trump??!? Would she do that to this delectable blond cherub of a boy????

Yeah. In conclusion, we're 11 months in and I have officially taken leave of my senses.
posted by gerstle at 9:09 PM on October 25 [12 favorites]


We've had a challenging year. We moved to a great new house in March---and it promptly flooded in the basement, leaving us without heat for a week. Dad passed away a week after that. Then I fell sick for a month. Summer was busy for both of us, work and trying to get the house in order.

I'm still, for the second year running, not getting about 20% of my pay at work, and half my staff are in the same boat. Everyone stresses about it. The biggest single thing I've ever done at work, building a once-in-a-career new test facility was delayed by our utterly, indefensibly broken internal processes, for three and a half years, right to the edge of cancellation. A major conference we run had to be delayed by six months, because again my employer's business processes are incapable of letting a hotel contract in less than 18 months.

Recently, finally, things are turning around. The house is in good shape, though we're quite delayed in the unpacking. Mom is out of shock and is talking about the future again. Pay hasn't changed, but we pulled the simulator build back from the edge of disaster with a lot of work. The conference, when it finally ran this month, had one of the highest attendances we've ever had.

It's been a pretty mixed six months, and I'm tired, but hopeful (and I've got another cold).
posted by bonehead at 9:16 PM on October 25 [9 favorites]


My ex fiancé contacted me out of the blue today after nearly 6 years of not speaking. When I asked him what was up, it turns out he wanted to a) brag about a special trip he was taking and b) see if I wanted to get together to catch up once he was back. In two months.

6 years ago I would have been desperate and lonely enough that I would have said yes, sure. Today, I am still lonely, but fuck desperation, and fuck him. So after about 2 hours of sickening anxiety and a resurgence in body image issues that are all because of him, I blocked his pathetic ass and chose not to reply.

If that isn’t character development, I don’t know what is.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:29 PM on October 25 [88 favorites]


Oh goodness this thread is what I needed. I may post later what's up, I just can't at this moment, except to say that things are so fucking hard. But, there's this place, and my cats are wonderful, so all is not lost. *hugs*
posted by soakimbo at 9:32 PM on October 25 [11 favorites]


I've actually been hanging out for a Fucking Fuck thread because I've battled through this year and I've WON.
  • I presented a workshop on sound at a performance studies conference in Hamburg in June. My academic peers loved it.
  • I travelled around Germany, had adventures, and caught up with beloved friends.
  • I managed two academic articles accepted for publication.
  • The Melbourne Fringe show I designed was awarded 'Best Kids Event' in the Fringe Awards.
  • My extraordinary collaborator was awarded 'Best Emerging Writer' for her show that I also did sound design for.
  • I finished my PhD. I'm totally legit Doctor7 now.
  • I have just accepted an offer for a proper job, teaching technical theatre, so this will not be my life any more.
  • I fly to Singapore in January and again in March 2018 to develop and premiere a new headphone theatre work.
  • By achieving the last three things, I have completed the 10-year plan I made for myself at the end of 2008 one whole year early!
posted by prismatic7 at 10:13 PM on October 25 [39 favorites]


It's hard for me to separate my internal/personal collapse with the broader political and social ones.

For a year or two I was a paranoid Cassandra, seeing an oncoming dystopia that perfectly fit my lifelong neuroses, and when it happened I lost my shit and entered a pretty good major depressive episode. Then, a week after the inauguration, my life and business partner of 8 years initiated our separation, which to me came in the form of a long-distance surprise-dumping. Aside from the super great timing, they also did not go about it in a healthy or honorable way and it was another filo layer of shock in the life-crisis baklava. I believe that there was a political element to this: my ex's family are Trump people and my ex did not in the end actually care at all about politics beyond enjoying the aesthetics and accessories of the Left. Actually getting fucked-up over politics was a deal-breaker.

I was left with a farm in shambles at best, most of the savings from our most profitable business year yet having been spent in the separation, living in a trailer with a leaking roof and bad plumbing and a new house that I couldn't afford to finish, half-built to the specifications of a departed abusive ex. Most of my local friends were closer to my ex, and being highly introverted and progressively withdrawing in misery, I wasn't left with many.

I'm isolated and in a very remote place and the humans here are mostly not great. I moved here with every interest in engaging with, befriending and joining the community of the local Real Americans and have only seen them get angrier and (to me) more foreign. Some I watched turn from Tea Partiers to Richard Spencerites. 80% of my neighbors voted for Trump and I don't think many of them regret it. A lot of them are less friendly than they were a few years ago, at least around me. Some that I once trusted I no longer do. I don't feel any kinship with the local white population as a whole. Indeed I no longer feel like a white person, as I once did, and while technically Caucasian my features aren't Real American and I feel myself regarded as something different and untrustworthy now.

I'm figuring out my own new business and my own path, not running away to a civilized Blue city just yet. I love my dog and cats and my little homestead, the trees and birds and bugs and my few human friends. I'm making more connections to the sizable and moderately politically empowered local Native American community and hope to work with and for it soon. They treat people better. My Native neighbors haven't changed for the worse, haven't hardened and coarsened, still value generosity and respect and friendship. Sometimes I worry that some of my neighbors will run me off; sometimes I tell myself that in a worst-case scenario I'll at least maybe have a few years to pay off the property, finish the new house and sell it before they come for me with pitchforks and ARs.

A semi-professional photographer from Germany visits the area every year to see locals, including myself and die-hard Trumpist neighbors who know about and increasingly disapprove of the hippie down the road. This year I asked him about Hank, a Trumpy neighbor we both know: if the administration had been a little better at being fascists, and had announced a crackdown on left-wing radical extremists, and if Hank had seen me trundled into an unmarked van and never returned, would he have been bothered at all? My German didn't have to think long before telling me matter-of-factly "no, probably not." I wanted to ask him "Then why the fuck do you still come out here for your vacations if you know exactly what's happening? Am I a specimen for you to observe before it's consumed by the terrible, dying American machine? How dare you come to watch this happening to my country before going back to your home where you have health insurance and pensions and public transportation?" but instead I just said "huh, wow."

I hope I'm strong enough and lucky to make it through however many years it takes before it gets better, for me and for everybody else dealing with the shit of our age. I hope the human community remains and I hope to rejoin it. Let's be good to each other, everybody.
posted by Rust Moranis at 10:29 PM on October 25 [41 favorites]


My kidney cancer surgery was on Sept. 22nd. It was supposed to be done laproscopically, but the tumor ended up being too big (it and my kidney = "size of a small football") and so, I woke up with a 10" incision with a total of 26 staples in it.

Went home from hospital almost a week later. Mom was here from OK for a couple of weeks. It's amazing how quick you can go to "can barely walk and even then with a cane."

I went back to work this past Monday (1mo after surgery). Had to stay home Tuesday due to pain not letting me sleep. Went back Wednesday. Employer is going heads over heels to be accommodating and helpful.

Now that they've got the big lump out, in a week or two I start once-a-day pills that will hopefully reduce the size of the tiny spots on my lungs.

I just wish I could sleep. OTC sleep aids? nope. Melatonin + other stuff? Nope. "Historic herbal remedies"? only intermittently. :(
posted by mrbill at 10:40 PM on October 25 [34 favorites]


I'm angry and it's not fair. None of it.
posted by bq at 11:26 PM on October 25 [8 favorites]


This is my lullaby for tonight.
posted by homunculus at 11:27 PM on October 25


I'm just glad my father didn't live to see this.
posted by Soliloquy at 11:48 PM on October 25 [2 favorites]


This is the fuck that never ends
it just fucks on and on my friends
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:15 AM on October 26 [7 favorites]


This fucking fuck fuck fuck of a fucker year. I, too, am still glad my mom didn't live to see this shit.

I have recently quadrupled up on hope, though. After 1.3 years (mom's death, followed by election, followed by shitstain president) of nothing but grief and constant hurting I recently stepped back from it and took steps in the opposite direction. I signed up to learn VAN (Voter Activation Network) for my county, I will either be helping or running social media for democrats in my county, I volunteered to do presentations on depression for two local non-profits that serve local teen girls, and I joined two improv troupes. COME AT ME, LIFE.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:58 AM on October 26 [11 favorites]


Yesterday, my coworker came into our office to say that some dude had bad aim and had peed a puddle on the floor in front of the toilet in the bathroom (it's just a single) and what was the procedure for who to contact? I told her she could find our custodian and let him know the bathroom needed attention. So she asks- well how do I find him in the building? I explain a couple of places to look or she can call security and ask if they can see him on camera somewhere. (Keep in mind that she's worked here longer than me.) She's like, "Nah, I bet he's downstairs. I'll just look for him there." She goes down and returns, but he's not there. So then she proceeds to leave for an hour-long lunch.

She leaves without either cleaning the bathroom herself or asking our custodian to do it. Why is it ok for our high-traffic bathroom to a. have gross puddle of pee on the floor b. have pee tracked through our building on visitors' feet and c. potentially create a pee puddle slip hazard? Why would you not take care of it? Why did you ask me what to do and then just not do it? This shit happens all the time with this coworker, and for the life of me I don't know what to do about it.

I wish I could laugh this stuff off, but I'm too stressed to feel anything except reactive irritation and anger and upset all the time :(
posted by Mouse Army at 3:56 AM on October 26 [3 favorites]


I took a weekend vacation to a new city and I saw acquaintances, looked at pretty old architecture, rode and walked around in super old trains, hiked gorgeous scenery, and had deep long conversation with a friend. Especially during the hiking and the rail preservation society visit, I was walking around for many minutes in a row with a big giant grin on my face. Just utter contentment and joy. I didn't think about Trump for more than ten minutes a day for a few days. It was like regrowing a protective membrane around my vulnerable bits. I feel like I understand the purpose of vacations now as I have not before.
posted by brainwane at 4:20 AM on October 26 [9 favorites]


My wife is recovering from her 5th surgery in the last 12 months, and she is unemployed again after being fired twice in the last year due to her health. (once last year because she needed to go to radiation treatments daily for 8 weeks, and this time because she needed 2-3 weeks off to recover from surgery). Isn't America great? (small companies = no FMLA protections). However we are forging ahead and moving in 2 weeks, and she is looking for a new job close to our new home 50 miles south in Richmond VA.

Meanwhile, she had her 9 month post radiation scan this week, and it was clear. So who gives a fuck about jobs or personal finances or any of that? She is cancer free.
posted by COD at 4:50 AM on October 26 [36 favorites]


On the good news side, my tenure case is going very, very well. I used to think of it as job for life, and more recently realized - health insurance for life.
posted by Dashy at 5:46 AM on October 26 [5 favorites]


On Sunday I turn 50. I don't feel 50. Based on my parents ages, I only have about 30-35 years left to live. That doesn't seem like a lot. Or enough. But there it is.

Driving to work a few days ago I had the somewhat positive thought that because my super awesome super gifted kid has an autism diagnosis, I probably don't have to worry about him being drafted into whatever Trumpian army will exist when he turns 18. That was a somewhat cheering thought.

I work all the f'ing time. I have a full time job, and then I also have a second job that should be a cakewalk but which has actually, for the past year, been a nightmare because that company is in the process of breaking itself in a completely stupid way and our department takes the brunt of angry people angry about how broken it is. Then I also run an Etsy shop that was pretty successful but which has been on a downhill slide since January. That's a lot of working. My kid constantly tells me how sad he is I'm not home for dinner every night.

Last night he came and got me in the middle of the night because he needed snuggles. I laid awake for a long time listening to the rain and watching him sleep by the orange light of the streetlight wondering how we'd gotten to this spot and how much courage I would need to have to completely upend our lives and break these terrible patterns we've gotten into - sell our house and move and rededicate myself to the things that are actually important.

I don't have that much courage. Yet.
posted by anastasiav at 6:03 AM on October 26 [22 favorites]


Thanks for the new Fucking Fuck thread, lalex. I do look up to your posting/commenting prowess on the daily.

And a big fucking hug to everyone carrying heavy burdens on top of the fucking fuckness.

A year ago I filed bankruptcy and closed my 10 year old modern cabinet business to start over again. I was fortunate to be connected by my fabricator to another small business in need of help. I already knew the software & business so I jumped in & both of us have benefitted.

The year gave me head space to think about whether I wanted to rebrand and relaunch my business. I did just that, and my new site went up in later September.

It was a serious fuckton of work: I built my first product database from scratch, with all the cabinet sizes that my experience has taught me gets ordered the most, and made it a set menu of sizes & configurations. I found an awesome contractor with Shopify to help me get the thing off the ground, & I produced all the product images - about 500 of them, and uploaded & linked them myself to save some $ on the consultants.

Woven in with the relaunch, my partner and I really want to move from NC. I've been here my whole life & dammit we love California and I'm 55 in a couple of weeks and we are going to GO. If the clowns in charge are going to destroy the goddamn planet, then I'm going to enjoy what I can while I can. We're stalled with the condo sale: have to reno the bathroom then put it on the market, but need $ to reno.

So I've been putting out tendrils with the modern loving builders out west and have quoted a couple of jobs, just trying to crack open the door. Modern is a more preferred style out there, so at least I won't be swimming upstream constantly where everything is traditional raised panel crown molding bullshit people think they're supposed to have just because It's Always Been That Way. (It's ok if they truly love it - that's the correct reason to go traditional.)

The time has come for me to move on from the interim sales gig, as we are increasingly butting heads on how we think the business should run. I have no authority there, but lots of responsibility, which is frustrating. And since I know I've run my own shop before, it makes me that much itchier to take what I've learned from the past year inside another shop and change what I know doesn't work. Mostly, it's not fun.

I'm addicted to making things. It's what lights me up & makes me stay awake at night with new ideas. Isn't that what you're supposed to do - what you're passionate about and you have fun with?
posted by yoga at 6:22 AM on October 26 [11 favorites]


I saw a lady get hit by a car while crossing the street this morning. It was awful. Be careful out there, everyone. Drive with caution and awareness and look both ways while you are crossing streets.
posted by ChuraChura at 6:38 AM on October 26 [9 favorites]


The activists' site/app that I've been working on (as I've mentioned before) has had a couple of good leaps forward recently. We've registered ItsOurCall.org and posted our pitch there. It's still got a ways to go, but we've sparked some good interest among other people who are a bunch of steps ahead of us in this space.
posted by daisyace at 6:46 AM on October 26 [4 favorites]


My wife and I celebrated our anniversary on the 14th with a trip to Paris (five nights there, followed by two nights in the Hague visiting my sister and her family). On the 11th I got a weird message on Slack from my manager asking if I could be available during the trip to call in for some meeting HR was trying to set up (I told him no). On the 12th it was announced that a VP level guy was leaving the company and that he would not be replaced, with his responsibilities distributed under another VP, and they'd communicate the new responsibilities over the following week (while we'd be in Paris).

On the 17th (last Tuesday) the company laid off more than 80 people in the IT organization, including (unbeknownst to me) me. Some teams were cut in half or worse. An entire office has been put up for rent. I had removed Tweetbot from my phone as our plane taxied at DCA, so I didn't see when a (now-former) coworker posted Tuesday he was looking for work, but Sunday, after our return flight landed at IAD, I saw his email to a listserv. By the time I checked anything at home my VPN device had been decommissioned and my email and Slack accounts were disabled.

Monday morning I finally had the phone call with my manager and somebody from HR, making it official for me. Whee. Since people have been getting angry on my behalf at the way I found out it's worth noting here that the VP of HR is the person who made the decision not to inform me ahead of the rest of the affected employees. While I can't be sure of her reasons it's the exact same decision I would make in those circumstances and I have no hard feelings. Apparently some people didn't even receive notice that Tuesday and only learned when their accounts stopped working at the end of the day, which is a suuuuper WTF compared to what happened to me. I'm OK.

Tech is sadly a boom and bust business. I've been laid off a few times before and this one doesn't really bother me. The same conditions that led to this layoff had actually led to my hiring in the first place. A big "we're going to rebuild everything" project was taking too long and I was hired because the stuff that was supposedly being replaced still needed support and features; two years later the replacement project is late, incomplete, and enormously over budget. The CTO in charge of it left early this year (supposedly of his own volition, but …), the company has finally started to reckon seriously with the backlog and the costs, and the writing has been on the wall ever since I even took the job (and probably a couple years before that). The money's been good while it lasted, but I had already been looking for jobs for a couple months because it was clear things weren't going to be getting any better any time soon. At this point I can do my search out in the open, so that's somewhat useful.

Before I took this job my career had moved into more management than hands-on coding, but I had run out of growth options at the previous job and I was friends with the hiring manager. I took this full time developer job (again) on a vague promise that management positions were opening up soon and I could get back on my career track (of course in two years that never happened), so that's what I'm working on now. If anybody knows any IT management positions in the DC area or remote, memail me for a resume.
posted by fedward at 6:49 AM on October 26 [9 favorites]


I work in an organization staffed almost exclusively by men in their mid-twenties. I have developed a literal "men are trash" dance (basically the Charleston but with jazz hands at the end while I sing "men....are...traaaaaaaaaash!") and I periodically wander into random offices and perform this for them. I think it's important to keep them on their toes.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:07 AM on October 26 [66 favorites]


Apologies for bringing in the downbeat, but this anonnymous Ask was by me about my cousin and she died this week.

It's sad, because she was one of my favorite people in the world, a funny, smart, and ceaselessly kind person who had traveled the world, had gone to work for INS because she wanted to be a voice of compassion and kindness for immigrants in a bad spot, had done volunteer work in aid of third world artisans, had cared for her mentally ill brother for thirty odd years, was godmother to our kid, and was generally one of the very best human beings I knew.

It's good though, because after a list of ailments that had grown to beggar belief (terminal breast cancer on top of kidney failure, on top of early onset Parkinson's, on top of hepatitis) and after a last few years that were increasingly horrible and painful, she is free now.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:21 AM on October 26 [17 favorites]


I'm very sorry, DirtyOldTown!

Mrs. Pterodactyl, you - as usual - are doing the Lord's work.
posted by ChuraChura at 7:22 AM on October 26 [4 favorites]


When I last posted on here, my stepfather was entering hospice care. A couple of days later, he died. I went down to South Carolina twice to be there for my mom. I was so busy helping her do the things she was too dazed to do, that I realized I never got a chance to mourn on my own. When I got back to Ontario, I didn't realize that a depressive episode was coming on about this until I realized that I hadn't left the house in a week. (I still haven't left the house very much this week.) I need to make an appointment with my therapist, I also need to get back into the routine of my everyday life, it's just hard right now. Everything feels so trivial in the wake of a parent's death.
posted by Kitteh at 7:46 AM on October 26 [14 favorites]


I just keep thinking of all the people who had the power to stop this, some of whom still have the power to stop it, and I want to go and beat the shit out of every single one of them with a crowbar.
posted by holborne at 7:55 AM on October 26 [16 favorites]


I've been tired and feeling the urge to scream all week. I don't know that there is a particular trigger - I think I am worn down. I could really use some good news in this world.
posted by obliquity of the ecliptic at 8:06 AM on October 26 [2 favorites]


I tried to give up smoking and I failed miserably, so now I'm continuing to destroy my health and wasting $280 a fortnight. My drawings are becoming increasingly creepy. My Dad has been dead for a year. My younger brother is a deadset alt-right conspiracy theorist anti-vaxxer. My sister despises me because she thinks I'm a loser who has squandered every opportunity (she's not wrong). She's a snobbish, right wing, judgemental arsehole and I don't miss her (I'm not wrong). My work's dynamic is changing, and not for the better. My eyebrows are becoming increasingly grey. I'm fucking fucked and it's not fucking okay.
posted by h00py at 8:18 AM on October 26 [11 favorites]


A dear friend of mine who grew up in Puerto Rico lost his mother the week prior and brother the week following the hurricane. They are not poor. They have a generator and a neighbor has water hooked up, but they couldn't get help and so he is traveling from L.A. to PR weekly to help his sister who still lives there. Fuck.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:26 AM on October 26 [8 favorites]


worst month of worst year! in conclusion fuck everything [smashes coffee mug, flips double bird at sky]
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:40 AM on October 26 [7 favorites]


My regard for humanity has taken a grave beating. Never was what you'd call a "people person" to begin with, and I'm rapidly turning into the opposite of that—from early-onset curmudgeon to full-blown misanthrope. Not enjoying the transition.

In the office where I work everybody is very nice and cordial, and all but a couple of them are full-on Trumpers, eagerly awaiting the coming Christian theocracy they're sure is due Any Day Now. I make every effort to remain on friendly terms with everyone, and no effort whatsoever to become a real friend to any of them.

Living with a mild dread that someone will ask me what I think of Trump, to the point that I've come up with a preloaded response to avoid any messy discussion. How's this? "I don't really want to have that conversation, and if you do, then I'm probably not the one you want to have it with." I haven't had to use this yet, but I keep it locked and loaded in my back pocket for the eventuality.

Thankfully, my mother has not gone around the bend, but everybody in my wife's family voted for Trump (even my old beloved union-man father-in-law!), so we don't talk politics around them any more. Not long ago my wife walked out of her parents' house rather than sit still and listen to any more of her brother's bullshit. My dad's been gone 19 years, and if he was alive all this would have killed him.

The news is full of insanity, everyone's outraged and none of it seems to matter. These days I'm feeling my mortality, mine and everyone else's.

How about you?
posted by Flexagon at 8:45 AM on October 26 [15 favorites]


Well, on the plus side, reading over my wtf moment above made me call my GP's office to get some immediate help until I can see a specialist. Now I've got an appointment on Monday. I'm tired of being depressed and anxious and taking it out on myself and the people around me.
posted by Mouse Army at 8:47 AM on October 26 [26 favorites]


I finally cancelled things with my most recent therapist because she was very nice but everything she had to say was stuff that I was perfectly capable of telling myself. I'm feeling pretty okay about that in the moment, but worried about what it means long-term. I'm starting to think that relationships just aren't viable things to be trying to create in 2017 when you tend to wind up with people with mood disorders, as I look at the prospect of dating again and realize that I can't, I just can't, risk winding up with another bipolar person who gets seriously self-destructive without it damaging my ability to take care of myself. But the trouble with this is that it leaves me with so little safety net. When I cut things off with my family, I was thinking that I'd still at some point have a partner? And a partner's family? I'm not sure what the future is supposed to look like if it's going to be just me, except that as long as it's just me, I only have my own crises to deal with, and that's been a great relief the past couple months.

Short-term I'm almost uncomfortable with how comfortable I am with my life, but long term just feels like a whole series of looming disasters.
posted by Sequence at 8:50 AM on October 26 [5 favorites]


For those that are hurting, I love you and I'm sorry. For those that are celebrating, I love you and congratulations.

Today, I am 91 days sober. Obviously, my drinking was putting a strain on my marriage, but independently making the decision to go to rehab (and agreeing to be admitted to inpatient detox on the first day) made a huge difference. I recently had to have a conversation with the mister about a decision I knew he wouldn't be happy about, and while he initially wasn't, I was able to communicate clearly and logically so that in the end, he agreed it was the right decision. Sobriety is awesome!

The kid started 10th grade at a new school, an arts based charter the next town over. The difference has been amazing. The kid is agender and, when filling out the registration paperwork, saw there was a space for preferred name. So now she (their preferred pronouns are she/they) gets to be S instead of B at school. For the first time, the kid's on track to make honor roll. They tell me in great detail about their day at school without prompting. Still has the normal teenage stress, but there's a visible weight lifted from her shoulders. (This dude is a teacher at her school, btw.)

The kid is now out to my parents and her father. Her father and my mom felt an emotional loss of her name, but my mom has come around and has bought S-branded Hanukkah gifts. The mister is trying not to use the B name at home, using child instead, which is what I did before the kid told the mister. So, baby steps.

Practicing self-kindness and seeking out the positive is one of the keys to me staying sober.
posted by Ruki at 8:56 AM on October 26 [52 favorites]


Oh Ruki - I am so fucking happy for you and your kid and your whole damn family!!!!
posted by Sophie1 at 8:59 AM on October 26 [1 favorite]


On one day last week I got news about two wonderful people's cancer diagnoses. One is operable, the other not really. :7(

The only bright spot in the whole thing was being able to say, "Oh, yeah, done that. Here, let us set up the calendar to organize meals & errands & visits from the people who want to help you. And make sure to do your PT, it helps a lot." That was extracting a little bit of Good from a big, old hunk of Bad, but it's better than nothing.

I see friends in the comments above, and I ache for you pain. Signs of improvement are awesome, and to be celebrated!

Peace, everybody.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:00 AM on October 26 [9 favorites]


My stress levels are kept low due to a mix of stoicism and knowledge that I have suffered literal, observable, nearly debilitating physical symptoms due to letting stress rage unchecked. It has still been a tough year. I go though cycles of following the news then having to eject altogether. Many of you are in worse situations than I am and I hope things work out for you and others who are in dire straits. Family support is still ok, my mom and dad are in the liberal camp but it's sad to see the vast majority of my other family members happily or obliviously plodding along as 'those who either support or are agnostic about Trump and the path we're treading as a country'.

*sigh*
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:10 AM on October 26 [5 favorites]


I'm just glad my father didn't live to see this.

This fucking fuck fuck fuck of a fucker year. I, too, am still glad my mom didn't live to see this shit.


My father died in early September. He was born in 1933, so FDR was president for the first 12 years of his life. To my dad, FDR was a model president. Needless to say, he was utterly horrified when the man-baby won the election. For the last year of his life he had dementia (he'd had age related memory problems for awhile, but his mental condition deteriorated severely after being hospitalized for pneumonia last year), and the one silver lining was that as long as he wasn't watching the news, he'd forget about Trump. But my dad was a lifelong politics and news junky, so there'd always be a daily reminder. I don't think I'll ever get over the resentment I have towards Trump voters for subjecting my father to a Trump presidency for the last 9 months of his life.

I was very close to my dad, and I had basically been his caretaker for the better part of the last decade. Between losing him and all the shit going on in the country and the world, I expect this winter to be particularly dark and full of horror.
posted by homunculus at 10:10 AM on October 26 [16 favorites]


I guess I can vent here, cause, fucking fuck and all.

I have PTSD. I wasn't really diagnosed until just recently and it is really affecting my ability to get fuck all done. I can't seem to sleep or concentrate when I'm awake and while I'm starting EMDR in the next month, I would like to start not thinking about trauma all the time RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, the only thing that reliably distracts me is this hell hole of a presidency, which probably is not great for the whole healing thing.

Honestly, it's the election that really was the catalyst for being diagnosed, finally. So, yeah, that's me right now.
posted by Sophie1 at 10:14 AM on October 26 [16 favorites]


Unfortunately, the only thing that reliably distracts me is this hell hole of a presidency, which probably is not great for the whole healing thing.

Sounds like chemotherapy: it should kill the cancer and only almost kill the patient.

Good luck with your "chemo," Sophie1 -- I hope we all get out of here alive, clinging together.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:21 AM on October 26 [5 favorites]


Everything feels so trivial in the wake of a parent's death

I'm so sorry, kitteh.

I've mentioned it here before: my mother died in 2013; my father died this past New Year's; and 2 months ago, my beloved brother-in-law died on his daughter's 28th birthday, four months before he was due to retire to a life of volunteering, open-water swimming, and playing the saxophone in multiple bands. My sister and nieces are utterly distraught.

My only consolation is that Dad lived long enough to vote for Hillary (he considered Trump a "phony", which to Dad was the ultimate dis).

I work in environmental planning, which means everything of professional value to me is under fire by the very government entities who are supposed to support it.

It's been a hell of a year.

In the meantime, the extended family and some old friends are still planning a trip several years in the making: we're going to Tanzania for a safari and a trek up Kilimanjaro. And because my sister cannot bear to have Christmas at home, she and I are flying to Paris for 4 days before we go to East Africa. Most of the cost is coming out of Dad's estate (thanks, Dad!).

Something to look forward to, but I'd willingly give it up to have a Democratic majority in the Senate and actual ethical people in power in Washington.
posted by suelac at 10:40 AM on October 26 [9 favorites]


I recently started a new job, doing mental health support work. It's a very positive development, although, it's left me with much less time to post news articles make snarky commentary in the main threads. I'm very excited about the work and the organization's mission.

However, I also get seriously worried for myself and clients because of the regime and it's enablers in Congress just don't give a fuck about anyone with less than 8 figures in assets.

*sigh* I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.
posted by Excommunicated Cardinal at 10:51 AM on October 26 [7 favorites]


I'm in a bad situation work wise. I started training to be a school bus driver because I have tried every thing to be hired, with no luck and the living indoors thing is getting precarious. But I'm not officially hired and earning money until I have my CDL and a route of my own.

Then two things happened on the same day. First I hired a sitter after a phone interview and then an in-house visit. She was great with my son. We explained to him she would be picking him up after school and he was good. Next morning I sent the emails to school and called the bus company that I could start route breaking. FIVE minutes, just five minutes later - she calls and quits.

Then same day I'm on the bus with two trainers and some other hopefuls. The one trainer leans over me to rest his finger tips on the papers in my hand like he was reading along, but the rest of his hand was cupping my breast. I was so shocked I froze. He moved away and I thought, maybe it was a mistake? But every time I had to bend down to look under the bus or go over tire information, he was right there looking down my shirt. I felt gross the whole day. And I don't feel like I can speak up because he's an employee and I'm not yet, it would just be easier for them to tell me to take a walk and I'm pretty desperate for a job right now.

It's just been a demoralizing few days.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 11:22 AM on October 26 [10 favorites]


everything is bad and i am tired
posted by poffin boffin at 11:40 AM on October 26 [16 favorites]


So, we met our first real Nazi last night.

Me 'n' eyeball -- two Asian American women in our 20s and 30s -- were walking up Broadway near Union Square last night around 9p. I heard a tapping and low chanting behind me and thought it was a weird old guy with a cane tryna get past, bc that's like a normal NYC thing. It took me like half a minute to realize he was chanting '1488, 1488'. As he walked past me, I looked at him and he turned away, stopping to look into a store window. It was a scrawny young shit with a golf umbrella wearing khakis.

I am a fearful and also confrontational person. I have gotten into street shouting matches with white male strangers like five or six times in my life so far. I feel angry and guilty that I didn't fight this guy. I struggle to admit to myself why not. Part of it is that I didn't understand what was going on until it was over (though there still would have been time to turn back). I also think I'm more fearful now, but I'm not sure whether it's because of age or because the current state of affairs is soul-shrinking.

Either way, things are different now. Trying to just live in a white supremacy has always been a drag, but this would have been unimaginable to me, though I grew up in the south, a few years ago. I'm used to aggressive public racism like the fucking train-soup guy. I could deal with seeing/experiencing it because I could take it, naively, as virulent but personal. Even all the recent hate crime could be cast as expressions of individualized inchoate disenfranchised economically downtrodden hillbilly eulogized anger. This is different. The threat implicit in the invocation of Hitler is not about racism, it's about organization.
posted by ohkay at 12:00 PM on October 26 [13 favorites]


My wife broke a couple bones in her foot several weeks ago, just a freak misstep deal that we didn't even think was a big deal at first until the swelling didn't go down, and then it was xrays and a boot and surgery and a splint and at this point back to the removable boot. It's one of those things that in a broad context isn't a huge deal—she hasn't had to do much pain management and the prognosis is full recovery—but it's still been tough for her to have her mobility so restricted and disruptive for both of us to adjust our home life patterns to accommodate it all.

We'd developed a really good habit in the last few years of going for walks every day together and that's suddenly not viable; we're working out shared knee-scooter-friendly exercise as possible but it is frustrating for both of us to have managed to get that routine going and suddenly have it interrupted for at least a few months, worst case several more beyond that. It's temporary but a long-feeling temporary right now.

On a more meta note, I just mentioned in another thread that I gave a talk last night to a few dozen Portland folks about community health during dark timelines, and one of the things I talked about was the way stress accumulates in a community and how having outlets for that is really important, both positive stuff and just straight-up venting stuff. These threads were one of my specific examples, because there's value in having this kind of just-get-it-out thing in the mix, so I'm glad they happen and that y'all have a chance to talk about this shit and how your lives are going.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:06 PM on October 26 [12 favorites]


Oh golly, 80 Cats in a Dog Suit and ohkay. Those situations suck so badly! Also, condolences to those who need them, along with hugs. It's been a really hard time. I looked up and realized I could literally no longer afford to live in the SF Bay Area. Which is sad but also good, because it means I am relocating to a saner country because I married a foreigner years ago and became a naturalised citizen. I have mixed feelings about this as I have mixed feelings about everything, but I have nothing but good feelings about moving to the same city as my grandchildren.

Also, I discovered that Kaiser has a bunch of free behavioural health classes. Some cost money (like the adult ADHD class that starts in a few weeks) but Managing Your Depression (2nd class tonight) and Managing Your Anxiety (1st class next week) are free of charge. So I have signed up for everything I can because I need to get as healthy as possible before I leave the US and head off to my new home. Because transitions are hard, this one included.

It's been kind of a sucky morning. Rode my bike over to a drugstore that will accept a discount coupon for my ADHD medication. Had the coupon. Had my passport. Did not have my prescription. This, in a nutshell, is unmedicated me. Got back home, cannot find my prescription, for a controlled substance, anywhere. So this is a Small Thing, but my nervous system has made it into a Big Thing, because I've been off the meds for about a week (accidentally) and, well, I'm already overwhelmed by the move, etc. Luckily, I have figured out how to disable my Apple news app on my iPhone so I am no longer addictively refreshing it from morning to night and making my life feel ever more hellish. So that's a good development.

lalex, thank you so much for this thread and the wonderful, heartwarming image you shared. Thanks, fellow MeFites, for being here. I have a friend where I am moving who is dying of cancer. I'm glad I will get to be with her for that rather than far away. Blessings show up in odd ways, and I say that as an atheist. Hugs to all!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:16 PM on October 26 [9 favorites]


I just made a joke on Twitter making fun of these timeline things where we suddenly discover how much time has passed. I said there was less time between the death of Jim Morrison and the death of Kurt Cobain than there was between the death of Kurt Cobain and now.

And then I looked it up and it was true.

Remind me not to tell these sorts of jokes anymore.
posted by maxsparber at 1:32 PM on October 26 [10 favorites]


A million years ago, c’est-à-dire the mid-90s, life was so different. I had just discovered my second-favorite museum, the Peabody Essex in Salem, MA.

Their gift shop counter had only one cassette of sea shanties and folk songs; I bought it only thinking that it was high time to build up a collection of one of my favorite genres.

The name of the group was Dramtreeo, and I was totally not expecting to be smitten. All of a sudden, I was playing their renditions of “The Mermaid” and “The Constitution and the Guerriere” and “South Australia” and “Willie McBride” over and over and over again. I made huge pre-internet efforts to write down and memorize the lyrics. I moved to Plymouth, MA (the home of my first-favorite museum, Plimoth Plantation), and played them CONSTANTLY on my commute to Boston, even resorting to a dinky cassette player in the car.

Life went on; I moved back to Boston. When the World Wide Web arrived, and Altavista, I searched for my favorite folk group. They had a web page, advertising the CDs that I already owned, along with a vague promise that they were making a new album. I periodically checked to see if anything had changed, but it had not.

And life still went on; the Peabody Essex gift shop only sells dinky painted scarves now. When Facebook arrived, I searched again, and there they were, with a simple cheerful “Hi! We’re still around! Our website is still dated from 2003, but all the information in it is still accurate!” And it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that they posted that they were having A CONCERT, tomorrow night, in Norfolk, VA.

So here I sit in a Virginia Beach hotel room, because I’m a middle-aged (miserably) single person, and I can do what I want, damnit, and I haven’t told anyone except you guys, because everyone will think it’s weird that I’m going to Virginia for two days for a band that I never really talked about before.

Nice view of the beach from the hotel window, too.
posted by Melismata at 2:02 PM on October 26 [42 favorites]


(raises glass to Melismata, as another middle-aged single person doing what she wants) In about 24 hours I will leave work and head directly for the airport where I will board a flight to Budapest, and then spend two days there before boarding a train to Berlin. In Berlin I will meet up with one of my BFFs and we will hit the town for 4 days before returning to our respective homes.

I speak no German and no Hungarian, and all I know about Budapest is that they have thermal baths and a bar that sounds even more Willamsburg-hipster than Williamsburg.

.....I'm in a weird place. Through the entirety of Obama's administration, my employment situation was unstable and my luck was piss-poor, so that even though the country was in a good place, i wasn't. And that finally changed in June; I have a stable job that pays me well enough for me to actually afford shit and not carry a millstone around my neck all the time. Just in time for the country to go pear-shaped.

However - I've recently realized that I was kind of in a survival mode all that time, and I think 8 years in survival mode did something to me - I've kind of dulled my ability to get excited about long-range plans. I have a therapist I've seen off and on for a while, even before I was seeing her AS a therapist (she ran a witchy-stuff gift shop in my neighborhood, and I kept going there to ask for spells about these complicated situations until one day she gently mentioned that "you know, I'm also a counselor, do you maybe want to start meeting in that context instead?"). I'm thinking about starting to see her again short-term to see about uprooting this low-level shell-shock.

I'm taking the fact that I'm even thinking that way as a good thing, though. I was too tired to take part in the early protests like the Women's March, and joked at the time that I was going to have to be one of the Rohirrim that turns up at Helm's Deep with Gandalf and Eomer instead. I'm taking my wanting to talk to my therapist as a sign that this Rohirrim Shield Maiden is getting ready to saddle up.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:16 PM on October 26 [11 favorites]


My baby girl, born with Downs and complex heart problems, took her first steps this week - bursting with pride for my princess
posted by mrbenn at 2:50 PM on October 26 [55 favorites]


My parents retired and then my mom went nuts. She’s always been problematic, but untethered from the stability of work, her anxiety over beauty went out of control and she spent three weeks doing nothing but getting cosmetic procedures done. Then she lured my sister to a foreign country and signed her up for plastic surgery against her will. My sister managed to save herself and run out of the room after the first procedure, but her face has been semi-permanently changed, and my mom is not sorry. Both my parents are cut off now, and it’s for the best, but there’s still so much grief.
posted by snickerdoodle at 2:58 PM on October 26 [9 favorites]


all I know about Budapest is that they have thermal baths

Szechenyi is the beautiful outdoor one, but we went to Kiraly, which dates to 1570. It does need a renovation but it was still amazing.
posted by fedward at 3:02 PM on October 26 [1 favorite]


snickerdoodle: WTF! That's insane and I am so, so sorry.
posted by fedward at 3:03 PM on October 26 [1 favorite]


I've had a black episode of mental health this last week. So fuck everything and everyone. Ok, not really. But man it's been a shit week where I've just felt really awful.

Thankfully it's starting to turn around because of video games (Destiny 2 is so much fun on PC) and random posts on the blue (Animal Crossing) which have helped fill in a bit of that darkness with some light.
posted by Fizz at 3:18 PM on October 26 [6 favorites]


Congratulations and felicitations to the Mefites who have good news for these threads

condolences and sympathies to those who have bad

you all help keep me grounded in the static-filled Internet of today.
posted by Doktor Zed at 3:25 PM on October 26 [5 favorites]


I live in New Zealand.
We've had nine years of conservative government.
Yesterday the new left-leaning government was sworn in.
Spring is here at last.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 5:20 PM on October 26 [20 favorites]


I have less than two months left on this godsawful internship I signed up for, and also I passed my civil engineering FE exam a month ago. I am surviving on stubbornness and bitter optimism.

Also I'm really enjoying The Good Place. So there's that.
posted by curious nu at 6:46 PM on October 26 [5 favorites]


I have been interviewing people for an opening at work, and will get to offer one of them a job like tomorrow. It's an amazing feeling: I have what they need and will actually get to offer it to them. But I can only hire one of them, so that means I also have to NOT hire others, and that is hard. :7(
posted by wenestvedt at 7:36 PM on October 26 [3 favorites]


Melismata: you are not alone! Mr. Carmicha has all of the Dramtreeo recordings too and will be very jealous that you're getting to see them in concert.
posted by carmicha at 9:18 PM on October 26 [1 favorite]


My phone ate my long winded post. You are all lucky for that. I am as needy of Maslows's validations as anyone else and I love seeing anything favorited, I have to smile at what a chump I am. Best to you all, especially those facing hard things, personally and then hard things generally. Best, best, best to you.
posted by Oyéah at 10:03 PM on October 26 [10 favorites]


A good friend got T-boned recently and had to have fancy surgery to reconstruct a shattered hip and pelvis. A couple weeks later, we learned that the Irish trad music session he hosted every week was abruptly homeless due to the new bar owners wanting a sports bar atmosphere. I played at that session occasionally; in fact, he'd inherited host duties from me when it got to be too much.

Today I got confirmation that the new place I found for the group is happy to let us stay. Which is great news because it's so much better than the old bar in literally every way.

So I guess I'll be playing a lot more fiddle again, because the host baton seems to have been passed back to me, at least till my friend relearns how to walk.
posted by salix at 10:32 PM on October 26 [8 favorites]


Got my first job last week - as a male.

This was a month after my hysto, and two months after I graduated with my Web Development Certificate.

It's a contract software gig, but it's for a company I've worked before, and there was a pay raise from my last gig. This gives me breathing room to work on my web dev portfolio, and look for web dev jobs.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:50 AM on October 27 [21 favorites]


I've had an odd week.

Last week I got contacted out of the blue by a journalist who asked to interview me for a book she's writing about a guy who I was in school with when we were 14-16 years old. She wanted to hear what I remembered about him and what that school was like. It was a nice interview, but during the course of it she told me that one other former student she'd interviewed had asked her to convey an apology to me for having bullied me when I was a child. That was the first time anyone apologized to me for having bullied me.

That threw me for a bit of a loop. For background, I was bullied pretty relentlessly from nine to twelve. It was so bad in the first school I was in during that time I was transferred to another pretty far away, where I got bullied even worse. The third school I transferred to was much better. I was a bit of an outsider though, as four years of constant bullying had left me lacking in social skills, to say the least. And there was a group of kids who'd call me names, but since they were on the social outskirts themselves it never had much of an effect on me (in both previous schools the whole class had been united in bullying me). It was one of those kids who had sent me the apology.

This brought with it a whole bunch of emotions and memories, some painful, but on the whole I felt a great sense of relief. Also some anger, especially towards the teachers who let a kid, me, be bullied and never did much about it. But a weight I hadn't realized was there was lifted from my shoulders, even though this wasn't even someone I had considered a bully.

The day after I got the apology I was mentally distracted and didn't realize that a friend told me something in confidence. It wasn't a personal thing, but rather something cool that she had witnessed. I then shared it in a Facebook discussion. She got mad, understandably, and I apologized, which she accepted. That threw me for a further emotional loop and I had a hard time staying focused.

Funnily enough, what stabilised me back to my normal self was a near-catastrophy. Yesterday morning my girlfriend opened the text document with the manuscript to the novel she's working on. The entire text had been replaced with pound signs. She had a three day old back-up, but she'd done an enormous amount of work since then, rewriting an entire section of the novel from scratch. All my normal tricks were useless, even my trusty document recovery tools did nothing, but after reading through lots of technical assistance forum posts I found a program, EaseUS, which had been successful when others failed with the same sort of problem. I downloaded it and lo and behold it worked and my girlfriend's text was returned intact.

Last night she went off to Finland for a couple of days. She's been away before from our two-year-old son, but it's the first time she'll be in another country and was a bit nervous. It'll be nice to be here just the two of us, and so far our son is mostly excited that his mom is on a plane. Tomorrow there's an election in Iceland, which is always something to stress about in general, but should be fun this time because I'll take my son with me into the voting booth for the first time.

So yeah, an odd week.
posted by Kattullus at 4:04 AM on October 27 [11 favorites]


An old fraternity brother posted a transphobic video on Facebook, and when I told him it was offensive he started calling me a paranoid schizophrenic, then bemoaned that I wasn't letting his BS slide like he remembers frat bros doing in college. Like, I was the one who was out of line. I told him that college was 35 years ago and maybe it's time to grow up, but damn do these conversations stress me out. People can be so disappointing, and such assholes about it.
posted by Lyme Drop at 6:05 AM on October 27 [12 favorites]


It's been very up and down lately.

The start-up I'd been part of a long time began it's demise (6 years never made a profit) and I (along with most everyone) got fired/took a buy out depending on perspective. I was able to save all but one of my direct reports in the process. So i felt Ok about that, but jesus that was disappointing. I had just bought my first house, so there was stress about that, but I have a high value low frequency skill set so I had a job two days later.

I decided to take a few weeks off anyway to clear my head, build some stuff, play some games, but instead I got super sick on a rollercoaster of my doctors messing with my meds, out of fear that I'll eventually become resistant to some (seizure drugs). SO that's all manner of fucked up. I start my new job but have a bad reaction to 3rd new drug in 3 weeks and miss 5 out of my first 6 days. Bedridden, hospital trip sick... So I make a great first impression :) My coolest aunt also dies young of cancer during all this and I'm too ill to make it to the services, which was tough because I'm the only close by family on this coast.

maybe the toughest thing was a long conversation with my soon to be 6yo daughter about what being president means and how she could get elected, part of this conversation forced the issue of "how many women have been president?" she was rightly appalled by my answer and I tried to point out all the female heads of state elsewhere but she was unmoved and really crushed. We talked about women who might/could be president soon and that softened it a bit. But I think I took it harder than she did.

But now I'm at the new job (which I din't lose!) feeling better, doing normal stuff like driving and talking to people. Been Playing a lot of PUBG which lets me talk to far off friends and family which is a huge perk.

Still trump may end the world in nuclear fire, but I'll be on my feet when it happens and that's a huge improvement from a month ago.
posted by French Fry at 7:39 AM on October 27 [12 favorites]


I started an SSRI 5 weeks ago when it became clear that the white hot rage-anger I was feeling over my mom's death was not going to be manageable without therapy and medicinal intervention.

The therapist I found "left the practice" after two sessions, so now I need to find a new one. But the SSRI is working. Instead of anger, I just feel deep, abiding sadness. I can't begin to describe how much of a relief that is. And two sessions was at least enough to help me start unpacking my feelings and processing them.

My company audited my pay and increased my compensation to bring it up to the same range as other employees with the same experience and performance. It was a very nice surprise.

And I'm going to NYC in December for a short trip by myself before Christmas. I'm taking the train, booked myself into a boutique hotel I always wanted to stay in and will be visiting a lot of museums.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 11:35 AM on October 27 [16 favorites]


I came back to Metafilter, an old coping mechanism, after a three-year hiatus and found that my username stood at the ready, ever faithful.
posted by thinkpiece at 12:43 PM on October 27 [16 favorites]


So after the last FFF post 4.0, I was put on the lowest dose of lexapro, and while my mood is a bit better, my motivation for house maintenance stuff is still in the dumps, so the kitchen is now always disgusting. But at least I'm not a raging hellbeast! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But maybe now that Purr doesn't have 4 hours of class a night I can get back some free time.

In good news, our solar system was turned on this week, and the inverter is finally working, so we have now offset 1 kwh of coal/natural gas. Suck it Pruitt and Zinke. I am also baking a peanut butter chocolate cake for birthdays, so I'm hoping it will be delicious. I am also 90% done with Little Purr's princess costume, so we got to take it out for an event last weekend, and it was adorable.
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 3:02 PM on October 27 [7 favorites]


There is a big development and I DON'T HAVE ANY ICE CREAM TO CELEBRATE! Damn my not being psychic yesterday at the grocery store.

I am almost sad that I will have to make do with instant pudding. This really seemed like the most appropriate place to share that howling. Everything is both ok and terrible, but at least we have each other.
posted by monopas at 7:04 PM on October 27 [2 favorites]


My parents, including my unapologetic (in fact, gleeful) trump-voting father, visited for most of last week. I tried to do some subtle deprogramming - talked openly about what's happening to people I know and care about, to my own family, to my work, to me, because of this bullshit - and it didn't seem to make a difference. Yet he's generous with his time and skills, funny, a doting grandpa (to my small child with her two moms, the other of whom is Jewish). The dissonance there is jarring. Cutting off contact would mean other, unacceptable losses, so I won't, but I'm not sure there's value in trying to sway him with the power of relationship anymore. That hurts very much.

Overall my life is better than it's been in recent years. My job status has changed from long-term temporary to permanent for as long as I want it, which is a huge shift in perspective. I am finally getting out of a period of depression and am facing our dark damp winter with fun plans, a pile of firewood and some anti-hibernation strategies. I'm making things I like in my artistic hobby and reconnecting with people I couldn't find overlapping free time with during summer. I'm so very angry that the political madness, my fears for my community, and my dad's complicity in it are keeping me from untangling my shoulders and experiencing the good. So, yes, fuck.

(And also, these threads seem to stress some people out, but knowing that decent people I don't even know are with me in this helps a lot. So thank you.)
posted by centrifugal at 10:29 PM on October 27 [5 favorites]


I don't handle male anger well at all anymore. I'm not sure why. Nothing happened to me, it wasn't a traumatic feature of my childhood that's rearing its ugly head again now, I haven't been personally exposed to more angry men than usual. It's just that sometime this past year, it's started setting something off in me, some upset or panic that's different and worse than my general lifelong dislike of people yelling. I realized it when my dad slammed something on the table in frustration (a little thing, a phone holder he couldn't manage to unclip) a few weeks ago, and my stress response was just--out-sized. My dad wasn't even especially angry, it was literally just a moment's frustration. It's the same at work. I ended up crying in the car on my way home after a lot of yelling happened in my general vicinity, almost all of it not even directed at me or because of me. I'm mostly fine in the moment, but afterwards I'm just, I don't know, upset.

I can't help but suspect it's some bizarre knock-on trauma effect of living in a nation under the charge of abusive men, the parade of news about bad male behavior. Or, I don't know, some response to not ever being able to or willing to let my own anger out anywhere other than yelling into various comment boxes on the internet. I don't know. That's just my what the fucking fuck at the moment. Not sure what to do about it.
posted by yasaman at 11:07 PM on October 27 [14 favorites]


It is now officially one year since I watched commercial television. I don’t miss it.
posted by kinnakeet at 4:23 AM on October 28 [3 favorites]


Hey yasaman: not just you. It's a fucking intolerable national psychosis.

I don't handle male anger well at all anymore.

I don't either. You never did. Maybe you tolerated it for a while. You handled that well how? By putting up with and pretending you were dealing with it and now the treaties have been violated and the two countries south of them have been split or annexed and they are invading Poland?

I know some women who shouldn't have tolerated completely intolerable stepmoms or nuns at boarding school. To gender unreasonable anger is a mistake. The women who put up with it and go on to perpetrate their own horror shows are Quislings.

Immediately after the election we became pariahs over a misinterpreted child care arrangement that we had been open about. Yup, I live with two younger women and their daughters and my son and something is going on here like happy kids and always an available adult but you will never understand that you fucktarded misguided fake religious piece of shit. Out of my way now or I am going to put this ear of corn somewhere. They looked skeptical until they didn't. And that was the last visit any of us made to any local business. We shop in town. It's a pain but we are not being driven out.

People felt free to attempt to do whatever to us, we got SWATted and when none of that went well for them they sent their kids after our kids which was another giant fucking mistake because I trained them too just before this started. I feel a little bad about what our kids did to their kids but our kids are not traumatized and would do it again.

The kids have heard all the allegations about the incest and the dual love triangles so we joke about about who we are going to fuck and listen to a lot of Butthole Surfers and watch John Sayles movies and the kids get it because they are living it.

Forget you read this. Go away now. No favorites. They'll send a SWAT team to your house.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:26 AM on October 28 [5 favorites]


MetaFilter: fuck and listen to a lot of Butthole Surfers and watch John Sayles movies.
posted by homunculus at 10:32 AM on October 28 [2 favorites]


That's the spirit. Now two of us go off on a dark and stormy night to drive people dressed as monsters to the club parties. I'm looking forward to the Trump costumes. They'll probably be real monsters when it comes time to take them home.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:32 PM on October 28 [1 favorite]


Damn, it's hard to keep going. It's really, really hard. And everyone wants you to be fine because they are dealing with their own shit.

Hugs to each of you; and may you find some measure of peace.
posted by mightshould at 4:38 PM on October 29 [1 favorite]


Rust Moranis, hugs to you and if I could I'd come visit you. I suspect you are not in North Texas, but if you were, I'd say MeMail me.
posted by emjaybee at 8:42 PM on October 29


Since the election, the dissonance for me is that my personal life is going great; I've been promoted, my company is doing well, my kid and spouse are doing well, my friends are in good shape. But everything is overshadowed by the fear that we're on some sort of Doom Slide to Dystopia so I can't fucking enjoy any of it.

In obedience to requests from people of color saying 'White people, you have to talk to your relatives cause we can't" I'm going to Thanksgiving this year, but my Nice Filter is permanently off. Last year I was grief-stricken and inarticulate. This year I am fucking pissed. So anyone who brings up politics with me gets one warning: "I will talk to you about this, but you must understand that a. you started this discussion and b. I am not going to be nice or hold back in any way." And if they still want to go, then it is on. Either my fam will back down from political discussions or else I will be saying more harsh things and cursing more in their presence than ever in my life. And I'm good with either one at this point. I may be actually spoiling for this fight. I've been so fucking nice, ya'll. So fucking polite and considerate and loving and compassionate and peace-seeking. And I am fucking DONE. Cause it had zero effect. They voted for that motherfucker and his Nazi buddies and his shitty cheap-car-salesman+ cult-leader ways and I am done.

I have learned, distressingly, that I may not be cut out for political involvement locally. I suck at reaching out to neighbors/organizing things. My social anxiety gets really strong. I'm still trying but it is really an uphill thing. I wish I was an extrovert, honestly.
posted by emjaybee at 8:52 PM on October 29 [11 favorites]


You know what's a good song right now for those of us heartsick at seeing precious institutions and trust discarded like trash? Taylor Swift's "All You Had to Do Was Stay" off 1989.

People like you always want back
The love they gave away
And people like me wanna believe you
When you say you've changed

The more I think about it now
The less I know
All I know is that you drove us off the road

posted by brainwane at 11:32 AM on October 30 [1 favorite]


While driving home from work yesterday, my car died. First the heat cut out, then the rear window defroster and the cruise control refused to work, then all the other dash indicators came on. The antilock breaks and the power steering went just as I exited one highway to get on another, so I was able to stop at a McDonalds and call my husband to come get me.

Clearly this is a problem with the electrical systems (as I was putzing down the highway at 50 mph, trying not to overheat the car, I thought, "Hey, I wonder if the power windows are out too!" and I very nearly rolled one down to check, but then I thought, "No, that is a bad idea. It is raining and 40 degrees outside, and all I need is to get the window stuck half-open." I am proud of my restraint). Possibly the serpentine belt has broken. The engine itself runs fine, although I do need an oil change (was going to get it today, irritatingly enough).

But man, Mr. Freedom was just in a car accident 2 months ago, completely totalling his 1-year-old car, and we were lucky that my parents were able to give us their old car to get us through, but we STILL have close to $5K on that car loan that we have to pay for a car that doesn't exist anymore, and, man, we didn't need this too.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:23 AM on October 31 [3 favorites]


One of my housemates broke after the election and recently flipped the complete fuck out. Took my car and left her child. She'd been distant for a while and we thought she just needed some time but this number is no longer in service. If you think this is an error...

A week went. Our household income is halved because no longer do we always have the rotating third adult to be home.

Our two kids are doing lots of EL with hers. If I leave to go find her our income drops to zero. And really? If she'd do this? Leave her kid? Fuck that.

So we have a lawyer who tentatively suggested that if I married the remaining housemate we'd have a much better chance of keeping the kid out of state custody. Lawyer doesn't get us. We've never even kissed. It was never that way. So maybe we don't tell anybody her mom is gone? We never saw her mom flaking like that. Something happened that she didn't tell us about. This is five other people spinning through the darkness she left us in.

We're up. We can't sleep. Our two disentangle from abandoned kid and are replaced by dogs who know when someone is hurt and the four of us sit in the dark living room and discuss. Consensus is that I should go after her and bring her back. I don't think so.

We were just back from the brink. Something happens to me and everyone left is fucked. You will get to live with your stepmom. And you sir, will be in that house. We, and I mean all of us, need a day or two to think but anything you have please say. But only to us. Secrets are wrong. Not this time. She could get thrown into foster care if all of us are not careful.

Kids go back to their own rooms and we make tea and the dogs stay where they are and we're reading law and it is all so unclear what could happen except that we'd have better odds keeping abandoned child out of the fire if we married. She gets down on one knee. "Find her. This is home for us."

I guess I go to Oklahoma again. Alone this time. Not that the whole state sucks. Just this part I'm going to. But what's the point? Her kid is never going to trust her again and I won't either. Why would I do that? I'm going to put her in the trunk? Lots of time to think and I'm right back where I started.

So I turn around in Memphis and call remaining housemate and she says she was just about to call and tell me going there was a bad idea and she's sorry she pushed so hard but we are on the same page now and we will do the best we can for her daughter. I call my car in as stolen and head back.

This kid? Never going to be the same. Her parental anchor went poof and turned to dust and her girl is gonna rely on dogs and humans she knew before.

So now we are five. Attrition sucks. It might take another one of us if we don't play our cards right. Maybe I'm getting married again but don't congratulate me on that.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 7:39 PM on November 6 [7 favorites]


Holy crap, Mr. Yuck. I'm so sorry. For you, and your step-child. But also hopeful that your stepchild has good people looking out for them when their parent couldn't.

Good luck to you and yours.
posted by suelac at 10:26 PM on November 6 [3 favorites]


Mr. Yuck, you and yours will be in my thoughts.
posted by Dashy at 8:48 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


My 15 year old dog died of cancer last weekend. Fuck, I miss her.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 11:11 AM on November 19 [4 favorites]


I'll be right there with you, fluttering hellfire. In a few minutes I'm leaving for the vet to put my childhood cat down after a bad dianosis and no improvement with medication.

This year has been on Hell mode.
posted by Snacks at 2:10 PM on November 19


Son of a bitch, I'm freaked out about this tax bill. My dean of students helpfully sent us all an app that lets us calculate how our taxes will change if it goes through, and I'm looking at literally a tenfold increase on what I currently pay... right as I've convinced my partner to go back to school to try and get out of the pawnbroking job that is killing their soul and might well, as the pawn chain moves to carrying guns in the store, get them actually killed in the body. The armed break-in a few months ago terrified the shit out of us. So our income is taking a hit regardless this spring, and getting our taxes amped up literally tenfold is going to make things even tighter.

On the other hand, it's take me years to encourage them to try again with school after the undiagnosed learning disability fucked their confidence, and I finally got them to actually get evaluated for that shit, so now we're so close to getting them enrolled and looking at just using student loans to get by until they at least have a nursing degree if not a full RN yet. So hell if I'm going to let crushing debt stop them from going back and keep this damn job, not when convincing them to try and pull out of retail hell has taken this fucking long, not when they've got a solid idea for career plans and they are going to fucking kick ass. It's just that if this tax bill passes... well, we're already at the place where both of us are taking out loans and shit for living expenses, okay, and hey! I didn't have any debt before, but I'm going to if I don't get my shit together and graduate soon.

And we have something like $2000 in medical debt from the copays associated with updating our dental care, checking out my breathing, and getting my spouse's intermittent dizziness and loss of hearing attacks sorted out. Which, by the way, the ENT basically went "hey you know that incurable chronic condition you've been scared of since your twenties that will eventually render you mostly deaf, but figured you were safe from because your attacks last two weeks instead of several hours? Yeah, we think you're just incredibly unlucky and you've probably got an atypical form of that thing. Better get an MRI to rule it out, buuuuuuuuuut probably you're fucked?"

So I gotta work out when and how to pick up some ASL in the next couple of years, because my sign is nonexistent but there's a pretty solid chance that I'll need it eventually.

I would really like these external stressors to go die in a fire, thanks. I feel like I've spent every year since fucking 2012 on Hell Mode, and I really need a good year please and fucking thank you, okay?

2018 better not find a way for shit to get worse, that's all I'm saying.

Upsides: I changed my meds, actually decreasing my anxiety; I have the data back for my first run and while order effects are continuing to kick my ass, it's looking like I'm onto a publishable paper and that my brain studies are going to work out in a year or so. So I might actually graduate eventually and maybe get a job that pays a bit better, who knows?

And I'm writing a little, creatively, and I'm withdrawing from responsibilities and trying to amp up enthusiasm to do just about anything I can. We'll... see if it holds.
posted by sciatrix at 8:35 AM on November 20 [1 favorite]


I was supposed to work from 7am to noon on Saturday. It didn't go well and I had to work 7am till 11pm on Saturday, had to scramble to piece together 4 babysitters (since I hadn't planned ahead to find one who could cover all day), then my wife came home early from a weekend trip so she could take the kid Sunday because I was up early working 7am-5pm on Sunday again before we called it quits. Ruined my weekend, ruined my wife's weekend, cost a lot in emergency babysitter money, and just generally left me burned out and pissed off. And I don't want to leave this job because it's where we get our insurance and we definitely can't afford anything else.
posted by jermsplan at 9:15 AM on November 20 [1 favorite]


People on Twitter are confusing LaVar Ball and LeVar Burton because this is 2017 and everything is awful.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:11 PM on November 21


It actually looks like LeVar Burton has a sense of humor about it, and is taking it as seriously as you would grafitti that reads "Satin Lives" or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:32 PM on November 21 [2 favorites]


I don't know if it's the (empty, for me) holiday coming up, or my own physical and emotional health, or just news oversaturation but... christ. I am so tired and dispirited and hopeless this morning. Fuck this timeline. What a shitty fucking year.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 8:59 AM on November 22


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