Too many relationship questions on AskMe September 30, 2005 4:57 AM Subscribe
Somebody needs a hug :)
posted by flabdablet at 5:01 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 5:01 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
Hey, chill... These are some of the most meaninful and difficult problems that people face. And, as it happens, the most universal. That they turn to the community for help sorting things out is no suprise.
If you don't like em, skip em...
posted by curtm at 5:09 AM on September 30, 2005
If you don't like em, skip em...
posted by curtm at 5:09 AM on September 30, 2005
I like these threads. They lead to some interesting discussion of human relationships and they sometimes give insights into the different ways people behave in situations common to many of us.
Shut up, stop whining and don't read the bloody threads you don't like. Let me say that again: shut up, stop whining and don't read the bloody threads you don't like. People are different and those threads are popular. Learn from that, eh?
posted by Decani at 5:12 AM on September 30, 2005
Shut up, stop whining and don't read the bloody threads you don't like. Let me say that again: shut up, stop whining and don't read the bloody threads you don't like. People are different and those threads are popular. Learn from that, eh?
posted by Decani at 5:12 AM on September 30, 2005
Note: AskMe questions should have a purpose, goal, or problem to be solved. Open-ended chatty questions that don't offer a problem to be solved are detrimental to the long term usefulness of the site.
I'm just saying, I think we've answered enough general "Should we break up or not" questions to have thoroughly addressed every issue surrounding them. Now it's just getting chatty.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:17 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
I'm just saying, I think we've answered enough general "Should we break up or not" questions to have thoroughly addressed every issue surrounding them. Now it's just getting chatty.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:17 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
I want comforting after reading the title of the post just below this.
I understand, PinkSuper. The only solution is to ignore the Agony Aunt stuff.
posted by reflecked at 5:17 AM on September 30, 2005
I understand, PinkSuper. The only solution is to ignore the Agony Aunt stuff.
posted by reflecked at 5:17 AM on September 30, 2005
I want comforting after reading the title of the post just below this.
::hug::
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:19 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
::hug::
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:19 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
Or, it's people in crisis. You know, just like a tv or radio, you don't have to click on the link, pink. If they want to burn their one Askme post a week, that's the cost. Some people don't have the same support system that you do.
posted by filmgeek at 5:50 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by filmgeek at 5:50 AM on September 30, 2005
I don't think you can blame them. We've all been there. And when an opportunity like Ask appears, there's not much you can do to stop yourself giving it a try - whether you want "Yes Men", or whether you want help making difficult decisions. I doubt any useful answers come from it, but it's only to be expected.
I admit posting an anonymous question along these lines once. I also admit to never visiting the thread again to check the answers.
posted by Jimbob at 5:52 AM on September 30, 2005
I admit posting an anonymous question along these lines once. I also admit to never visiting the thread again to check the answers.
posted by Jimbob at 5:52 AM on September 30, 2005
TPS, I think that you're absolutely correct that this sort of question doesn't belong in AskMe. I further believe that the people who ask them would be better served by getting counseling and/or stepping away from their computers than by unburdening to AskMe. But unless and until enough AskMe posts are of this nature that other AskMe questions aren't getting answers or aren't sticking around long enough for people to see, if you bring this sort of thing up, the people who either believe they can really help the sufferers or get a significant amount of schadenfreude from reading the posts are going to call you a wet blanket for raising the issue. So do what the rest of us do and ignore them. You're allowed to swear under your breath when you don't click on the thread. My preferred mutterance is "Fucking dramafilter."
Perhaps we could encourage people to put "Dramafilter" in their posts so you know better than to click, but I reckon that, too, is a lost battle.
posted by anapestic at 6:01 AM on September 30, 2005
Perhaps we could encourage people to put "Dramafilter" in their posts so you know better than to click, but I reckon that, too, is a lost battle.
posted by anapestic at 6:01 AM on September 30, 2005
I find that I have been appending -filter to reoccurring things in my every day life. Fucking trafficfilter! Stupid dishesfilter! Does this happen to anyone else?
posted by sciurus at 6:31 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by sciurus at 6:31 AM on September 30, 2005
Odd. I don't visit AskMe much, so I really don't care. I am surprised at these responses though. I thought you guys didn't like chatfilter. How are these not just discussions without a specific answerable question?
posted by If I Had An Anus at 6:45 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by If I Had An Anus at 6:45 AM on September 30, 2005
This seems to me to be a very ungenerous attitude. Scanning both posts, they appear to have clear and direct questions. Both posters need help and in a very real sense the respondents can provide it.
Furthermore, there is a particular way in which this community can be helpful in ways that a poster may have difficulty finding elsewhere. Is it a substitute for professional therapy? Probably not. But there's also a reason why there's group counseling and, more to the point, support groups.
It seems to me that a lot of people would regard these kinds of questions as more essential and just as legitimate as, say, a computer question. Indeed, some people may be really damn tired of the same old geeky questions that very likely could be easily Googled. I don't agree with them but I don't agree with you, either. There's something that rubs me the wrong way in your dismissive tone about relationship stuff.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 6:45 AM on September 30, 2005
Furthermore, there is a particular way in which this community can be helpful in ways that a poster may have difficulty finding elsewhere. Is it a substitute for professional therapy? Probably not. But there's also a reason why there's group counseling and, more to the point, support groups.
It seems to me that a lot of people would regard these kinds of questions as more essential and just as legitimate as, say, a computer question. Indeed, some people may be really damn tired of the same old geeky questions that very likely could be easily Googled. I don't agree with them but I don't agree with you, either. There's something that rubs me the wrong way in your dismissive tone about relationship stuff.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 6:45 AM on September 30, 2005
I honestly don't see how threads like those are different from threads asking how to deal with relatives with dementia, brothers dropping out of college, dunderheaded bosses, or religious relatives. They're all part of the human experience, and the "human relations" category is there for a reason.
Unless, you know, someone's got you strapped to a table with your eyes jammed open while relationship threads slowly scroll by in front of you and "Ode to Joy" plays in the background. Then you'd have something to complain about.
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:54 AM on September 30, 2005
Unless, you know, someone's got you strapped to a table with your eyes jammed open while relationship threads slowly scroll by in front of you and "Ode to Joy" plays in the background. Then you'd have something to complain about.
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:54 AM on September 30, 2005
Jeez, Pink, you're a hard one! The thing about any anonymous post is that presumably it has already been approved by Matt or Jess. So I can't see complaining about them.
posted by LarryC at 7:07 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by LarryC at 7:07 AM on September 30, 2005
This is what happens when people get precious and too involved with a website. They come to think of it as an essential service or some kind of thing that must not be taken lightly.
I hope that you can see how the exact same thing could be said about the dramafilter posts: people post them because they're precious and too involved with a website.
I think generally that many of you confuse "this sort of thing doesn't belong here" with "I don't care about people generally." The sort of post linked in this thread is beyond the scope of what AskMe was designed for. TPS is not precious, overly involved with MeFi, or uncaring because she points that out.
posted by anapestic at 7:14 AM on September 30, 2005
I hope that you can see how the exact same thing could be said about the dramafilter posts: people post them because they're precious and too involved with a website.
I think generally that many of you confuse "this sort of thing doesn't belong here" with "I don't care about people generally." The sort of post linked in this thread is beyond the scope of what AskMe was designed for. TPS is not precious, overly involved with MeFi, or uncaring because she points that out.
posted by anapestic at 7:14 AM on September 30, 2005
Jeeze, there are 100s of questions that have no relevance to me.. What do I do? Skip them, not come to MeTa and make a thread asking that they be banned.
Sheesh!
posted by eas98 at 7:28 AM on September 30, 2005
Sheesh!
posted by eas98 at 7:28 AM on September 30, 2005
I'm not asking for all breakup threads to be banned, eas98- I was just pointing out that it seems we're answering the same question over and over and over again.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:31 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:31 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
TPS, could you point out some set of relationship-related questions from the archives that you would consider "the same"? 'Cause otherwise, we're just going on your subjective feelings about the subject, and this thread will just be another "Mefi-suck-these-days-no-it-doesn't-yes-it-does" threads that we all know and love. (Except without the "love" part.)
posted by Johnny Assay at 7:34 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by Johnny Assay at 7:34 AM on September 30, 2005
I will, Johnny Assay (although not this second, sorry).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:43 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:43 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
Sadly, every break-up and bad relationship is different which is why these questions keep cropping up. It's like "Find me something to do in Denver, I like ice skating."is different from "Find me something to do in Denver, I like hot wings." There are many places to get this sort of information and advice and AskMe is one of them.
posted by jessamyn at 7:47 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by jessamyn at 7:47 AM on September 30, 2005
The relationship questions and answers are one of the main reasons I come to Metafilter at all, and I can't say that I've ever read two questions that are "exactly" the same.
The computer questions, on the other hand, all run together for me.
Which is why I participate in the relationship threads and ignore the computer threads.
posted by occhiblu at 7:51 AM on September 30, 2005
The computer questions, on the other hand, all run together for me.
Which is why I participate in the relationship threads and ignore the computer threads.
posted by occhiblu at 7:51 AM on September 30, 2005
Yeah, I understand your frustration with open-ended relationship questions like these.
I often find something frustrating after I've done it.
posted by klangklangston at 7:56 AM on September 30, 2005
I often find something frustrating after I've done it.
posted by klangklangston at 7:56 AM on September 30, 2005
Yeah, that's a bad question. Not specific and is chatty. Funny that it's from TPS.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:10 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:10 AM on September 30, 2005
Ask Me is always going to be a grab bag of stuff. On any given day you'll always find the thunderingly obvious, the overwhelmingly multi-faceted, the exasperatingly stupid, the incredibly wise, the fabulously creative, the bewilderingly technical, the inpenetrably esoteric. Kind of life in microcosm. And again like life you'll have your very own set of reactions, preferences, coping mechanisms.
My reactions include a double take every bloody time I see the letters OS.
posted by orange swan at 8:12 AM on September 30, 2005
My reactions include a double take every bloody time I see the letters OS.
posted by orange swan at 8:12 AM on September 30, 2005
"Human relations" is an AskMe category. Should it only be used for those odd "how should I interpret this action on the part of my weird boss?" type questions?
I won't say you're wrong to piss on the relationship therapy questions. I happen to like them, and more importantly learn from a lot of them. But there is a fine line between useful and comforting. Oh well. With people meeting on this site and getting married and shit I think we'd better keep some kind of discussion open on how the fuck to work a relationship.
posted by scarabic at 8:23 AM on September 30, 2005
I won't say you're wrong to piss on the relationship therapy questions. I happen to like them, and more importantly learn from a lot of them. But there is a fine line between useful and comforting. Oh well. With people meeting on this site and getting married and shit I think we'd better keep some kind of discussion open on how the fuck to work a relationship.
posted by scarabic at 8:23 AM on September 30, 2005
When it comes to relationships, there are basically no questions that are really 'over and over again' because relationships are unique things. Subtle shades of history and emotion govern answers that are only ever grey, never black and white.
People have a great deal of difficulty looking at other relationship questions and seeing how they apply to the specifics of their situations, that's why advice columnists get thousands and thousands of letters with different questions, even though there are really only three answers 'Communicate better', 'Figure out what you really want', or 'Dump the bum' to all of them.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:32 AM on September 30, 2005 [2 favorites]
People have a great deal of difficulty looking at other relationship questions and seeing how they apply to the specifics of their situations, that's why advice columnists get thousands and thousands of letters with different questions, even though there are really only three answers 'Communicate better', 'Figure out what you really want', or 'Dump the bum' to all of them.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:32 AM on September 30, 2005 [2 favorites]
"I think we've answered enough general "Should we break up or not" questions to have thoroughly addressed every issue surrounding them."
You don't watch soap operas, do you.
posted by mischief at 8:40 AM on September 30, 2005
You don't watch soap operas, do you.
posted by mischief at 8:40 AM on September 30, 2005
What curtm said.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:55 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:55 AM on September 30, 2005
I'm in agreement that the relationships talks on Ask MeFi are important. It's one of the reasons I paid the fee to join, because I believe I can help people and it makes me a better person (excuse me for sounding a little utopian) for learning from peoples experiences.
We're here to help eachother by being open-minded, insightful, informative and generous with our knowledge. If you're being selective and ignorant, you've gone to the wrong site, really.
posted by rc55 at 9:08 AM on September 30, 2005
We're here to help eachother by being open-minded, insightful, informative and generous with our knowledge. If you're being selective and ignorant, you've gone to the wrong site, really.
posted by rc55 at 9:08 AM on September 30, 2005
One of the worst parts of the web is that there are some depressed and lonely people who substitute it for real life and therefore expect comforting and therapy from it. It eventually happens to most fully open forums I've ever been on that don't actively prevent it, and more recently here. The whole thing is sad, and possibly unpreventable. Eventually they take over and most of the bandwidth gets used for swapping pictures of their cats and, of course, the whining about failed relationships.
posted by milovoo at 9:14 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by milovoo at 9:14 AM on September 30, 2005
I like these sorts of questions, its a window on other's lives, both the askers and the responders.
posted by Goofyy at 9:17 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by Goofyy at 9:17 AM on September 30, 2005
Yeah, the relationship threads - while at times repetitive - also have some total gems in them. People answering have a bit more distance from the poster than his/her friends, and sometimes see/say things that seem obvious from afar but get mired in complications up close. Also, not all friends have been through specific situations, so branching out for advice can be a pretty useful thing - the threads you listed aren't the same question.
Reading some of the responses sheds new light on old problems, and some of them have twists that I hadn't thought of. I'd give up a handful of other topics on AskMe before I'd touch the relationship ones [not that this is an either/or thing, but still].
posted by fionab at 9:29 AM on September 30, 2005
Reading some of the responses sheds new light on old problems, and some of them have twists that I hadn't thought of. I'd give up a handful of other topics on AskMe before I'd touch the relationship ones [not that this is an either/or thing, but still].
posted by fionab at 9:29 AM on September 30, 2005
What we need here is a DTMFA flag.
If enough people flag an AskMe post DTMFA, it disappears, and an email is sent to the poster with that message in all caps...
posted by googly at 9:40 AM on September 30, 2005
If enough people flag an AskMe post DTMFA, it disappears, and an email is sent to the poster with that message in all caps...
posted by googly at 9:40 AM on September 30, 2005
I'd rather a flood of the relationship type questions than yet another, 'My computer is broken, please help me fix it' thread.
How people react to the relationship threads reminds of an infamous blowout on Fametracker, back when they had commenting. It boiled down to how some people had been raised to leave their trash behind in movie theatres and how others thought that sort of behaviour was selfish and inconsiderate.
The lesson? Always pick up your trash.
posted by haqspan at 9:41 AM on September 30, 2005
How people react to the relationship threads reminds of an infamous blowout on Fametracker, back when they had commenting. It boiled down to how some people had been raised to leave their trash behind in movie theatres and how others thought that sort of behaviour was selfish and inconsiderate.
The lesson? Always pick up your trash.
posted by haqspan at 9:41 AM on September 30, 2005
If you're being selective and ignorant, you've gone to the wrong site, really.
Yeah, save that for the blue.
posted by solotoro at 9:43 AM on September 30, 2005
Yeah, save that for the blue.
posted by solotoro at 9:43 AM on September 30, 2005
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
-- Leo Tolstoy
"The whole world loves a sad song
and they don't have to sing."
-- X
posted by kirkaracha at 9:56 AM on September 30, 2005
-- Leo Tolstoy
"The whole world loves a sad song
and they don't have to sing."
-- X
posted by kirkaracha at 9:56 AM on September 30, 2005
I love that the first comment in the Comfort Me thread was "MeTa".
.
posted by lampshade at 9:57 AM on September 30, 2005
It's a part of life. We're a part of life. This is our community, and for better or worse, "We're All In This Together." I suggest that your attitude, TPS, is ungenerous at best and that you skip these threads, not censoring them for the rest of us who hope to learn from them. Also, try to put yourself in the shoes of those who ask these questions. How would you feel if, all of a sudden, you were the subject of a breakup? Wouldn't you welcome some support, advice or just plain distraction from the pain?
posted by Lynsey at 10:05 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by Lynsey at 10:05 AM on September 30, 2005
i think it's fine that people ask these questions ... one doesn't have to read them
posted by pyramid termite at 10:47 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 10:47 AM on September 30, 2005
How would you feel if, all of a sudden, you were the subject of a breakup?
Sure, but haven't you noticed that if they are the sort of person who needs to ask this question once, then they will need to ask it again, and again, and again. Five bucks is cheaper than real therapy so why not, right?
There should be some version of the "teach a man to fish ..." metaphor that applies here. Delete it so they grow some sort of skin and can handle the next little trauma in their life. Otherwise, seriously, we will be overrun by pathetic losers.
posted by milovoo at 10:48 AM on September 30, 2005
Sure, but haven't you noticed that if they are the sort of person who needs to ask this question once, then they will need to ask it again, and again, and again. Five bucks is cheaper than real therapy so why not, right?
There should be some version of the "teach a man to fish ..." metaphor that applies here. Delete it so they grow some sort of skin and can handle the next little trauma in their life. Otherwise, seriously, we will be overrun by pathetic losers.
posted by milovoo at 10:48 AM on September 30, 2005
It's a part of life. We're a part of life.
Athlete's foot is a part of life. That doesn't mean that we have to encourage it. I respect that people love the drama, but try to come up with an argument that didn't occur to you when you were singing Kum Ba Ya.
posted by anapestic at 10:51 AM on September 30, 2005
Athlete's foot is a part of life. That doesn't mean that we have to encourage it. I respect that people love the drama, but try to come up with an argument that didn't occur to you when you were singing Kum Ba Ya.
posted by anapestic at 10:51 AM on September 30, 2005
So every person who has ever struggled with a break-up is a pathetic loser, milovoo? You've never had your heart broken, or wondered if you were doing the right thing in a relationship? Either you have a heart made of solid granite or you were raised by wolves.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:10 AM on September 30, 2005
posted by jacquilynne at 11:10 AM on September 30, 2005
Milovoo, the truth is we ALL are pathetic losers in some form or another. The sooner you accept that the happier you will be.
Relationship questions rock.
posted by konolia at 11:32 AM on September 30, 2005
Relationship questions rock.
posted by konolia at 11:32 AM on September 30, 2005
I honestly think googly's DTMFA idea is brilliant.
posted by exogenous at 12:15 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by exogenous at 12:15 PM on September 30, 2005
So every person who has ever struggled with a break-up is a pathetic loser, milovoo?
Hmm, is that exactly what I was saying? Really?
(Consider the fact the we are discussing the aspect of posting your problems on-line, as opposed to discussing them with your real-life friends and relatives, or paid therapists)
I'll bet there is some sort of correlation in substituting random people on the web for actual relationships, and the inability to form proper big room relationships, but why would anyone actually care about that. I didn't realize that so many of you were simply hooked on the soap opera / jerry springer-ness of it all.
posted by milovoo at 12:18 PM on September 30, 2005
Hmm, is that exactly what I was saying? Really?
(Consider the fact the we are discussing the aspect of posting your problems on-line, as opposed to discussing them with your real-life friends and relatives, or paid therapists)
I'll bet there is some sort of correlation in substituting random people on the web for actual relationships, and the inability to form proper big room relationships, but why would anyone actually care about that. I didn't realize that so many of you were simply hooked on the soap opera / jerry springer-ness of it all.
posted by milovoo at 12:18 PM on September 30, 2005
Also, just from reading through the pros and cons in this thread I have noticed an interesting coincidence. Your sex seems to have a huge influence on whether or not you approve of this drek.
Perhaps we could have a special RelationshipAskMe and those who were interested could post their questions not to the green but to the ... well, I guess it might as well be pink, no?
I'm just kidding, but it is pretty weird to see content so clearly delineated along gender lines.
posted by milovoo at 12:33 PM on September 30, 2005
Perhaps we could have a special RelationshipAskMe and those who were interested could post their questions not to the green but to the ... well, I guess it might as well be pink, no?
I'm just kidding, but it is pretty weird to see content so clearly delineated along gender lines.
posted by milovoo at 12:33 PM on September 30, 2005
Milovoo, plenty of us have real-life friends and family, and therapists, and very emotionally healthy lives, and still find it helpful to get other opinions from a larger community that may have more firsthand experience with the problems we're dealing with. It's not a character flaw, or a chick thing, to ask the community at large for help with emotional problems, any more than it's a character flaw to ask the community at large for help with tech problems, or legal problems, or medical problems. That's rather the point of a community.
posted by occhiblu at 12:43 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by occhiblu at 12:43 PM on September 30, 2005
You're all a bunch of nancies; I crap bigger than you.
*does one-handed push-ups*
posted by keswick at 12:52 PM on September 30, 2005
*does one-handed push-ups*
posted by keswick at 12:52 PM on September 30, 2005
I don't understand why we need to keep reviewing this again and again in AskMeta
Because human beings continue to want comfort, and human beings continue to want to be held.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 12:56 PM on September 30, 2005
Because human beings continue to want comfort, and human beings continue to want to be held.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 12:56 PM on September 30, 2005
"Your sex seems to have a huge influence on whether or not you approve of this drek."
Not in my case. And I don't read these AskMe threads (or AskMe much at all). But as a general rule, and for whatever reasons, women are more interested in personal stuff, men are more interested in abstract and technical stuff. Why make a value judgment out of it? Just because it's not interesting or valuable to you doesn't mean it's "dreck". (The same can be said about those who don't approve of the computer questions.)
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:01 PM on September 30, 2005
Not in my case. And I don't read these AskMe threads (or AskMe much at all). But as a general rule, and for whatever reasons, women are more interested in personal stuff, men are more interested in abstract and technical stuff. Why make a value judgment out of it? Just because it's not interesting or valuable to you doesn't mean it's "dreck". (The same can be said about those who don't approve of the computer questions.)
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:01 PM on September 30, 2005
Just because it's not interesting or valuable to you doesn't mean it's "dreck". (The same can be said about those who don't approve of the computer questions.)
Actually, yes, if it's not valuable or interesting (to me) it's drek (to me). It's a waste of time (to me). Is there some reason that this isn't obvious and needs to be spelled out? There are a lot of things that (I think) are crap that someone else out there really loves. Otherwise the movie industry would have collapsed years ago. Again, is this not obvious? (I think) this is a bad use of AskMe, but whatever, we're just casually debating it here, not making new laws or anything.
Other than hard science I treat pretty much everything as an opinion. Don't you?
posted by milovoo at 1:18 PM on September 30, 2005
Actually, yes, if it's not valuable or interesting (to me) it's drek (to me). It's a waste of time (to me). Is there some reason that this isn't obvious and needs to be spelled out? There are a lot of things that (I think) are crap that someone else out there really loves. Otherwise the movie industry would have collapsed years ago. Again, is this not obvious? (I think) this is a bad use of AskMe, but whatever, we're just casually debating it here, not making new laws or anything.
Other than hard science I treat pretty much everything as an opinion. Don't you?
posted by milovoo at 1:18 PM on September 30, 2005
I didn't realize the pathetic loserness came from the online aspect of things, rather than the relationship aspect of things. I've never really thought that forming close online friendships and feeling a genuine sense of community in my online activities made me a big loser. But I suppose it's possible.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:24 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by jacquilynne at 1:24 PM on September 30, 2005
milovoo writes "Sure, but haven't you noticed that if they are the sort of person who needs to ask this question once, then they will need to ask it again, and again, and again. "
Obviously I am biased since one of those questions was mine, but you're also getting your concept reinforced by the advent of new user accounts. This is my sock puppet account, as my real id has my name on it. We have no idea if the majority of anonymous AskMe posts are from a handful of people or are each from separate posters, but you know exactly what I have asked in the past. There are plenty of one-off relationship posters, just as there are repeat (two of mine) offenders (in your eyes). At any given time, one or more activities/stresses in our lives will be more prevalent than the others. A new kid, new house, new car decision, new parental issue, new program, whatever. Some of ours happen to be relationship issues. This is an important one for me, and I don't want to f*ck it up.
I'm not saying, "oh god, please hold me milovoo" (you sound uncuddly anyway), but what you don't realize is that yes, almost all of the relationship questions thus far are somewhat unique (or as unique as any AskMe is at this point; there is more and more redundancy in every category). If you'll notice, mine was more about: how do you deal with a long distance breakup? How do you deal with it if you can't drink or do the usual break-up activities? These questions couldn't be answered by my friends, who have never had personal experience in those areas. They can take guesses, listen to my ramblings, ask me pointed questions, bitch about the guy, and generally look after my emotional health as good friends are going to do, but getting real-life specific experience from other people here is just as valid, as say, a variant on a programming question that had already been asked. Plus, variety is the spice of life.
By the way, if you're looking to work out some of your nervous sexual energy, I'm rebounding hard ;-)
milovoo writes "(I think) this is a bad use of AskMe, but whatever, we're just casually debating it here, not making new laws or anything."
Yeah, we're debating, except you keep off-handedly (and directly) offending and generalizing those of us who ask (and respond to) the relationship questions. Let's see, we're lonely, maladjusted women who don't have friends "in the big room" (whatever that means), are too cheap or idiotic to seek therapy, keep asking the same questions (evidently we're dunce, stubborn, blind, naive, whatever), pink-loving "pathetic losers". But yeah, keep debating. It's fun watching you continue to profess emotional superiority. I'm sure it's working out superbly for you.
posted by barnone at 1:30 PM on September 30, 2005
Obviously I am biased since one of those questions was mine, but you're also getting your concept reinforced by the advent of new user accounts. This is my sock puppet account, as my real id has my name on it. We have no idea if the majority of anonymous AskMe posts are from a handful of people or are each from separate posters, but you know exactly what I have asked in the past. There are plenty of one-off relationship posters, just as there are repeat (two of mine) offenders (in your eyes). At any given time, one or more activities/stresses in our lives will be more prevalent than the others. A new kid, new house, new car decision, new parental issue, new program, whatever. Some of ours happen to be relationship issues. This is an important one for me, and I don't want to f*ck it up.
I'm not saying, "oh god, please hold me milovoo" (you sound uncuddly anyway), but what you don't realize is that yes, almost all of the relationship questions thus far are somewhat unique (or as unique as any AskMe is at this point; there is more and more redundancy in every category). If you'll notice, mine was more about: how do you deal with a long distance breakup? How do you deal with it if you can't drink or do the usual break-up activities? These questions couldn't be answered by my friends, who have never had personal experience in those areas. They can take guesses, listen to my ramblings, ask me pointed questions, bitch about the guy, and generally look after my emotional health as good friends are going to do, but getting real-life specific experience from other people here is just as valid, as say, a variant on a programming question that had already been asked. Plus, variety is the spice of life.
By the way, if you're looking to work out some of your nervous sexual energy, I'm rebounding hard ;-)
milovoo writes "(I think) this is a bad use of AskMe, but whatever, we're just casually debating it here, not making new laws or anything."
Yeah, we're debating, except you keep off-handedly (and directly) offending and generalizing those of us who ask (and respond to) the relationship questions. Let's see, we're lonely, maladjusted women who don't have friends "in the big room" (whatever that means), are too cheap or idiotic to seek therapy, keep asking the same questions (evidently we're dunce, stubborn, blind, naive, whatever), pink-loving "pathetic losers". But yeah, keep debating. It's fun watching you continue to profess emotional superiority. I'm sure it's working out superbly for you.
posted by barnone at 1:30 PM on September 30, 2005
I've never really thought that forming close online friendships and feeling a genuine sense of community in my online activities made me a big loser.
I question how much of a sense of community there is when this sort of question is posed anonymously or through a sock puppet account. "Loser" is not a term I'm particularly fond of, but to the extent that the people posing these questions appear dysfunctional, it's largely due to the fact that they appear to be using anonymous online interaction to replace interpersonal contact. There is a substantial difference between emailing one of your online buddies for support and the sort of AskMe post that's being discussed here. It's tough to see how the level of interaction you have with someone here (especially someone anonymous) would give you enough insight to help them with their specific situation in such a way that your advice would be more helpful than the generic advice offered in the first AskMe breakup thread.
And barnone, you're putting words in milovoo's mouth again.
posted by anapestic at 1:44 PM on September 30, 2005
I question how much of a sense of community there is when this sort of question is posed anonymously or through a sock puppet account. "Loser" is not a term I'm particularly fond of, but to the extent that the people posing these questions appear dysfunctional, it's largely due to the fact that they appear to be using anonymous online interaction to replace interpersonal contact. There is a substantial difference between emailing one of your online buddies for support and the sort of AskMe post that's being discussed here. It's tough to see how the level of interaction you have with someone here (especially someone anonymous) would give you enough insight to help them with their specific situation in such a way that your advice would be more helpful than the generic advice offered in the first AskMe breakup thread.
And barnone, you're putting words in milovoo's mouth again.
posted by anapestic at 1:44 PM on September 30, 2005
FWIW, I too think that these kinds of questions reduce the utility of AskMe, and wish we have fewer of them. Two reasons:
1) These kinds of questions have little-to-no archival value. Because of the uniqueness of relationships, I think answers to these kinds of questions are unlikely to be useful to many other people (there's exceptions, of course), and even if they were, individuals in those situations probably won't trust responses to other people's questions anyway.
2) More importantly, they encourage responders to wank. These questions don't require any expertise to answer (not that expertise in relationships isn't possible, its just not necesssary to answer). As such, they lower the overall perceived "confidence" that users should have before providing an answer. Signal:Noise and all that.
But there's not much we can do about it, and its not the end of the world.
posted by gsteff at 2:03 PM on September 30, 2005
1) These kinds of questions have little-to-no archival value. Because of the uniqueness of relationships, I think answers to these kinds of questions are unlikely to be useful to many other people (there's exceptions, of course), and even if they were, individuals in those situations probably won't trust responses to other people's questions anyway.
2) More importantly, they encourage responders to wank. These questions don't require any expertise to answer (not that expertise in relationships isn't possible, its just not necesssary to answer). As such, they lower the overall perceived "confidence" that users should have before providing an answer. Signal:Noise and all that.
But there's not much we can do about it, and its not the end of the world.
posted by gsteff at 2:03 PM on September 30, 2005
Big room is not a particularly obscure term (and like most of AskMe) easily found with google.
I stand by my opinion that once the lonely people show up to talk about their personal lives on any sort of internet forum it goes downhill fast (I've seen it happen many times).
I did not mean to combine the (overly casual) observation that it seems like a very gynocentric thing to want to talk about other people's relationships and the fact that I, personally, think it's useless and possibly even bad. Again, there are probably all sorts of things that I think are useless, many that some people probably really like.
The ease of offense around here is also a bit quicker than I'm used to, so I'll just shut up.
Perhaps I'm used to thicker skins, or I've been away too long, but either way I apologize.
posted by milovoo at 2:06 PM on September 30, 2005
I stand by my opinion that once the lonely people show up to talk about their personal lives on any sort of internet forum it goes downhill fast (I've seen it happen many times).
I did not mean to combine the (overly casual) observation that it seems like a very gynocentric thing to want to talk about other people's relationships and the fact that I, personally, think it's useless and possibly even bad. Again, there are probably all sorts of things that I think are useless, many that some people probably really like.
The ease of offense around here is also a bit quicker than I'm used to, so I'll just shut up.
Perhaps I'm used to thicker skins, or I've been away too long, but either way I apologize.
posted by milovoo at 2:06 PM on September 30, 2005
...they appear to be using anonymous online interaction to replace interpersonal contact...
Replace or supplement? And how would you know the difference?
posted by jacquilynne at 2:13 PM on September 30, 2005
Replace or supplement? And how would you know the difference?
posted by jacquilynne at 2:13 PM on September 30, 2005
Replace or supplement? And how would you know the difference?
That's a fair question, and I obviously can't be sure which it is. My sense, however, is that people who are getting support from people who know them well probably won't bring their problems to AskMe. Or if they do, they're not really looking for or expecting actual help so much as seeking a larger audience to unburden in front of.
posted by anapestic at 2:22 PM on September 30, 2005
That's a fair question, and I obviously can't be sure which it is. My sense, however, is that people who are getting support from people who know them well probably won't bring their problems to AskMe. Or if they do, they're not really looking for or expecting actual help so much as seeking a larger audience to unburden in front of.
posted by anapestic at 2:22 PM on September 30, 2005
And how would you know the difference?
It seems that the anonymous online interactions are the ones that show up on AskMe. The other kind don't.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:28 PM on September 30, 2005
It seems that the anonymous online interactions are the ones that show up on AskMe. The other kind don't.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:28 PM on September 30, 2005
Can we at least agree that we don't need yet another "break up songs" question? No? Ok.
posted by hototogisu at 3:16 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by hototogisu at 3:16 PM on September 30, 2005
All my computer questions are answered in the real world, not by a bunch of people online whom I have never met. After all, that's the emotionally healthy way to get my tech needs met, right?
posted by konolia at 3:29 PM on September 30, 2005
It's funny because the people squawking the loudest at this post are the people who live on MeFi.
posted by keswick at 3:37 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by keswick at 3:37 PM on September 30, 2005
I meant the big room conceptually, not literally, milovoo. But clearly we're in different worlds right now, let alone in terms of senses of humor. On that note, I need a drink. Have a good night folks.
posted by barnone at 4:14 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by barnone at 4:14 PM on September 30, 2005
I promised backup to my original argument, and here it is- a few more breakup threads. Here, here, here, here, and here, for starters, plus the two in my thread starter.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:45 PM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:45 PM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
These are 5 very different situations.
1. Dump him.
2. Dump her.
3. Dump her.
4. Dump her.
5. Dump her.
posted by anapestic at 5:35 PM on September 30, 2005
1. Dump him.
2. Dump her.
3. Dump her.
4. Dump her.
5. Dump her.
posted by anapestic at 5:35 PM on September 30, 2005
1. Rape him
2. Rape her.
Lather, rinse, repeat. That's too much typing.
posted by yerfatma at 6:48 PM on September 30, 2005
2. Rape her.
Lather, rinse, repeat. That's too much typing.
posted by yerfatma at 6:48 PM on September 30, 2005
Mathowie's 5-bucks-and-you're-in policy has so swollen the ranks with the clueless and so diluted any sense of community I once felt here that I just don't really care any more, most days.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:51 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:51 PM on September 30, 2005
Mathowie's 5-bucks-and-you're-in policy has so swollen the ranks with the clueless and so diluted any sense of community I once felt here that I just don't really care any more, most days.
Indeed.
posted by Kwantsar at 7:24 PM on September 30, 2005
Indeed.
posted by Kwantsar at 7:24 PM on September 30, 2005
Thanks for the hug, PinkSuper. Since it wasn't anonymous, i felt (briefly) like a part of the community. =)
posted by reflecked at 7:31 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by reflecked at 7:31 PM on September 30, 2005
Yeah, once they let the rabble in, it all went to hell. Damn those newbies for diminishing stav's sense of specialness!
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 7:40 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 7:40 PM on September 30, 2005
1. My boyfriend's depression is too much for me, what should I do?
Kill him, then yourself.
2. My girlfriend is terrible in every way imaginable, what should I do?
Kill her, then yourself.
3. My girlfriend cheated on me, what should I do?
Stick it in her pooper.
4. I told my girlfriend I was going to ask her to marry me, but now I don't want to even be with her at all; what should I do?
Kill yourself, then her.
5. I'm not physically attracted to my girlfriend, what should I do?
Pretend she's somebody else, then kill her, and kill yourself.
posted by keswick at 7:43 PM on September 30, 2005
Kill him, then yourself.
2. My girlfriend is terrible in every way imaginable, what should I do?
Kill her, then yourself.
3. My girlfriend cheated on me, what should I do?
Stick it in her pooper.
4. I told my girlfriend I was going to ask her to marry me, but now I don't want to even be with her at all; what should I do?
Kill yourself, then her.
5. I'm not physically attracted to my girlfriend, what should I do?
Pretend she's somebody else, then kill her, and kill yourself.
posted by keswick at 7:43 PM on September 30, 2005
I asked one of those types of questions. I knew that the answrf from all of my friends would run something like..."dump the fucker, in fact, where the hell is he RIGHT now, let's go get him, girls! What I needed was the experience, support and opinion of people who don't know me and maybe went through the same thing.
And I did know that part of that would maybe be warm and fuzzy, which didn't hurt at all.
posted by puddinghead at 8:22 PM on September 30, 2005
And I did know that part of that would maybe be warm and fuzzy, which didn't hurt at all.
posted by puddinghead at 8:22 PM on September 30, 2005
SPELLCHECK. Or all my friends do give answrfs. And I know I left off a quote mark. I suck today.
posted by puddinghead at 8:24 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by puddinghead at 8:24 PM on September 30, 2005
Speaking only for myself, I don't expect written perfection from someone who calls themselves "puddinghead".
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:32 PM on September 30, 2005
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:32 PM on September 30, 2005
Why do people continue to try to amputate off the little bits of MetaFilter that don't fit into their own personal style? What happened to live and let live? Specifically:
(1) Complaining about relationship questions, when you have asked them yourself, comes off sounding just a little bit silly.
(2) Consider why you feel that every type of relationship question has been asked and answered here while at the same time you yourself may have posted multiple queries on such popular topics as dogs and things to do in NYC. What's up with that? Is your dog really more complicated and worthy of attention than anonymous' failing romance? As a means of comparison, how many famous novels and films are about failed romances, and how many are about dogs? Think about a self-imposed moratorium on these questions until you can write a story about your dog that will keep people entertained for about two hours, give or take.
(3) If relationship questions really bother you, for bob's sake STOP ANSWERING THEM. If you feel they are ruining your AskMe experience, exercise some self control and stop contributing to your own ruin.
(4) Unless you secretly like and feed off of these questions, in which case, stop complaining about them in MeTa. Instead, have you considered composing an AskMe question about your codependant relationship with AskMe relationship questions?
posted by onlyconnect at 9:50 PM on September 30, 2005
(1) Complaining about relationship questions, when you have asked them yourself, comes off sounding just a little bit silly.
(2) Consider why you feel that every type of relationship question has been asked and answered here while at the same time you yourself may have posted multiple queries on such popular topics as dogs and things to do in NYC. What's up with that? Is your dog really more complicated and worthy of attention than anonymous' failing romance? As a means of comparison, how many famous novels and films are about failed romances, and how many are about dogs? Think about a self-imposed moratorium on these questions until you can write a story about your dog that will keep people entertained for about two hours, give or take.
(3) If relationship questions really bother you, for bob's sake STOP ANSWERING THEM. If you feel they are ruining your AskMe experience, exercise some self control and stop contributing to your own ruin.
(4) Unless you secretly like and feed off of these questions, in which case, stop complaining about them in MeTa. Instead, have you considered composing an AskMe question about your codependant relationship with AskMe relationship questions?
posted by onlyconnect at 9:50 PM on September 30, 2005
I am.
Heh. Um. Nevermind.
It's good that this thread has provided a release valve for all the people who would like to poop on this kind of thread. Better that than a rash of unhelpful comments in the theads.
posted by scarabic at 12:40 AM on October 1, 2005
Heh. Um. Nevermind.
It's good that this thread has provided a release valve for all the people who would like to poop on this kind of thread. Better that than a rash of unhelpful comments in the theads.
posted by scarabic at 12:40 AM on October 1, 2005
It's just more fucking Andy Rooney MeTa.
posted by klangklangston at 7:53 AM on October 1, 2005
posted by klangklangston at 7:53 AM on October 1, 2005
Thanks for the comment, E_B. You're so nice elsewhere that I'm a little surprised, but I should remember that that's the way of things here.
posted by puddinghead at 11:37 AM on October 1, 2005
posted by puddinghead at 11:37 AM on October 1, 2005
Oh, it wasn't meant to be snarky at all. It was just meant to be funny and tolerant, actually.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 11:40 AM on October 1, 2005
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 11:40 AM on October 1, 2005
Yeah, once they let the rabble in, it all went to hell. Damn those newbies for diminishing stav's sense of specialness!
That's a bit disingenuous, no? The ranks of the clueless seem to have grown around here, and the quality of MeFi (and Ask, as well) has suffered. The incidence of people signing their posts, leaving inches of space for no reason, writing things like "good 4 u," posting kos links and talking points willy-nilly, adding flat-out-wrong answers to questions, etc. seems to have grown.
It's possible that I'm suffering from Abe Simpson Disease, and I remember things differently from how they were, of course, but stav's sense of specialness isn't at issue. What's at issue is whether MeFi has worsened, and whether the n00bs are responsible. I vote "yes" on both counts, but I don't know how to prove it.
posted by Kwantsar at 11:41 AM on October 1, 2005
That's a bit disingenuous, no? The ranks of the clueless seem to have grown around here, and the quality of MeFi (and Ask, as well) has suffered. The incidence of people signing their posts, leaving inches of space for no reason, writing things like "good 4 u," posting kos links and talking points willy-nilly, adding flat-out-wrong answers to questions, etc. seems to have grown.
It's possible that I'm suffering from Abe Simpson Disease, and I remember things differently from how they were, of course, but stav's sense of specialness isn't at issue. What's at issue is whether MeFi has worsened, and whether the n00bs are responsible. I vote "yes" on both counts, but I don't know how to prove it.
posted by Kwantsar at 11:41 AM on October 1, 2005
Kwantsar, that's not really an issue, either. Mathowie is not going to disenroll several thousand paying members, so whether or not "Mefi has gotten worse" is a dilemma lacking in any consequence. People are intolerant of different things. Idiotic memes like the one I just posted above obviously make me giggle, but thinly-veiled "please pay attention to me" AskMe threads annoy me. I wouldn't post a MeTa thread, though.
Bottom line: Metafilter was a village. Now it's a city. You can't pop into any thread and expect everyone to remember your name. Cities have more crime and more pollution. But they also allow for a different interplay of anonymity and identity, and greater diversity and dynamism.
I have a hard time believing you can write about the "new Mefi" with such cynicism as this post materializes on MeTa. I've also taken some tours down the archives to see the "MeFi that was", and let me tell you: there was a LOT of junk. You probably just don't remember it, the same way you don't remember boring days when you were ten. Put the filter back in metafilter and you'll see things aren't so bad.
posted by ori at 12:06 PM on October 1, 2005
Bottom line: Metafilter was a village. Now it's a city. You can't pop into any thread and expect everyone to remember your name. Cities have more crime and more pollution. But they also allow for a different interplay of anonymity and identity, and greater diversity and dynamism.
I have a hard time believing you can write about the "new Mefi" with such cynicism as this post materializes on MeTa. I've also taken some tours down the archives to see the "MeFi that was", and let me tell you: there was a LOT of junk. You probably just don't remember it, the same way you don't remember boring days when you were ten. Put the filter back in metafilter and you'll see things aren't so bad.
posted by ori at 12:06 PM on October 1, 2005
thinly-veiled "please pay attention to me" AskMe threads
Yes, I think that's what we're talking about here, except that they aren't that veiled.
I raced your bike, btw
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:22 PM on October 1, 2005
Yes, I think that's what we're talking about here, except that they aren't that veiled.
I raced your bike, btw
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:22 PM on October 1, 2005
Mathowie is not going to disenroll several thousand paying members...
Nor non-paying ones.
posted by cortex at 1:14 PM on October 1, 2005
Nor non-paying ones.
posted by cortex at 1:14 PM on October 1, 2005
As an aside, you were playing a tune on a fife and I recorded it on tape.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:56 PM on October 1, 2005
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:56 PM on October 1, 2005
You taped my fife?!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:18 PM on October 1, 2005
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:18 PM on October 1, 2005
Hold me.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 5:24 PM on October 1, 2005
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 5:24 PM on October 1, 2005
Thanks for the comment, E_B. You're so nice elsewhere that I'm a little surprised
This is not the EB of which you are thinking.
posted by justgary at 9:38 PM on October 1, 2005
This is not the EB of which you are thinking.
posted by justgary at 9:38 PM on October 1, 2005
This is not the EB of which you are thinking.
Nor are these the 'droids you're looking for.
posted by ori at 2:56 AM on October 2, 2005
Nor are these the 'droids you're looking for.
posted by ori at 2:56 AM on October 2, 2005
I'd be nicer if someone would hold me.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 6:31 AM on October 2, 2005
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 6:31 AM on October 2, 2005
I'd like a BLT. Hold the Bligh.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:24 AM on October 2, 2005
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:24 AM on October 2, 2005
That kind of question is what Usenet is for. May I suggest this group?
(I'll hold you Bligh. But you must not forget the fuschia Izod shirt.)
posted by davy at 5:59 PM on October 2, 2005
(I'll hold you Bligh. But you must not forget the fuschia Izod shirt.)
posted by davy at 5:59 PM on October 2, 2005
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:58 AM on September 30, 2005 [1 favorite]