"Bullshit, and fuck you for assuming that." February 4, 2006 11:45 AM Subscribe
"Bullshit, and fuck you for assuming that." -- I've observed that without further insight into the poster behind relationship questions, most people will naturally make their own assumptions and bring their own personal experiences to bear. If you're going to put yourself "out there" like this (and I question whether this is a good use of Ask Metafilter since these questions have no real "right" answer) then you also need to be a bit more patient with those who respond -or, don't respond at all.
It's a strong response from someone who clearly cares about this person they love and is hurt in a number of ways by the responder's implications. I don't think it's that out of line.
posted by Mercaptan at 11:58 AM on February 4, 2006
posted by Mercaptan at 11:58 AM on February 4, 2006
With so many of these relationship questions asked anonymously, it's given people license to read whatever they want into the motive or psyche of the poster. Now even the non-anonymous questions get this third-degree crap when a request for some clarification of the question would be more appropriate.
posted by MarkAnd at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by MarkAnd at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2006
speaking of bitchfactor:
Thank god it's fixed. You all can now live again.
lol PRAISE HIM!!!!
posted by scarabic at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2006
Thank god it's fixed. You all can now live again.
lol PRAISE HIM!!!!
posted by scarabic at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2006
Oh fer crying out loud, Vacapinta , the woman is confused and hurting. We've all been there. Let's cut her a break.
posted by LarryC at 12:39 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by LarryC at 12:39 PM on February 4, 2006
One day maybe someone will create a NarcissisticTransferenceFilter...
posted by meehawl at 12:39 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by meehawl at 12:39 PM on February 4, 2006
Yeah, look out for the brisk rogering! Those can be dangerous.
posted by Roger Dodger at 12:54 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by Roger Dodger at 12:54 PM on February 4, 2006
Actually, to be fair to jayder (who posted the comment fuzzbean called bullshit), how's he/she supposed to know the entire backstory? All fuzzbean posted in this post was that she didn't go to LA when boyfriend was in the hospital after being hit by a car. Jayder's under no necessary obligation to read fuzzbean's other (elaborate, exhaustive) questions just to get the full backstory, nor can he/she be expected to read fuzzbean's mind.
posted by scody at 1:16 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by scody at 1:16 PM on February 4, 2006
lol PRAISE HIM!!!!
Heh. Yeah, I'll buy that. Go, Matt, Go!
But it wasn't fair to Mr. C-D that he didn't get a chance to reply to my snark on his snark. C'est la Intarwebthingy.
posted by eriko at 1:17 PM on February 4, 2006
Heh. Yeah, I'll buy that. Go, Matt, Go!
But it wasn't fair to Mr. C-D that he didn't get a chance to reply to my snark on his snark. C'est la Intarwebthingy.
posted by eriko at 1:17 PM on February 4, 2006
Actually, to be fair to jayder..., how's he/she supposed to know the entire backstory?
Why not ask for clarification ("Why didn't you visit him in recovery? What was your rationale, if any?") instead of drawing such a negative conclusion and running with it ("To not visit someone whom you claim to love, and whose body was shattered in an accident, suggests there's not much love there")?
posted by Gator at 1:30 PM on February 4, 2006
Why not ask for clarification ("Why didn't you visit him in recovery? What was your rationale, if any?") instead of drawing such a negative conclusion and running with it ("To not visit someone whom you claim to love, and whose body was shattered in an accident, suggests there's not much love there")?
posted by Gator at 1:30 PM on February 4, 2006
Can I comment?
Lots of good points have been raised (both pro and con) in the other thread. Lots of other questions or points were brought up that seemed to need clarification, and I clarified in, I think, a reasonable tone. I don't think there is a right answer, I didn't think I was going to get one; I was asking for people's opinions and I think I got a lot of good ones, so thanks to everyone who's commented. Isn't AskMe supposed to be a place to share knowledge, not just get a right or wrong answer?
I responded harshly to a pretty vicious and baseless (imo) implication that I was a cold and unfeeling person who wasn't able to deal with an imperfection. Other commenters have said things that I don't *like* per se, but that were still valid, non-assumptive points, and I'm grateful to have heard them. I don't *like* being told that I overanalyse--when on reading lots of RelationshipFilter threads people get called out for not providing enough information, so I went the other way. (And yes, I *do* overanalyse, so valid point--I mentioned the cerebral thing, I think? :) )
Re scody's comment on reading minds--I'm not anonymous. Just ask. I'm upset about the assumption more than anything.
I apologize if my comment was out of line.
Would it have been better to provide less information in the original question? What could have improved this?
posted by fuzzbean at 1:32 PM on February 4, 2006
Lots of good points have been raised (both pro and con) in the other thread. Lots of other questions or points were brought up that seemed to need clarification, and I clarified in, I think, a reasonable tone. I don't think there is a right answer, I didn't think I was going to get one; I was asking for people's opinions and I think I got a lot of good ones, so thanks to everyone who's commented. Isn't AskMe supposed to be a place to share knowledge, not just get a right or wrong answer?
I responded harshly to a pretty vicious and baseless (imo) implication that I was a cold and unfeeling person who wasn't able to deal with an imperfection. Other commenters have said things that I don't *like* per se, but that were still valid, non-assumptive points, and I'm grateful to have heard them. I don't *like* being told that I overanalyse--when on reading lots of RelationshipFilter threads people get called out for not providing enough information, so I went the other way. (And yes, I *do* overanalyse, so valid point--I mentioned the cerebral thing, I think? :) )
Re scody's comment on reading minds--I'm not anonymous. Just ask. I'm upset about the assumption more than anything.
I apologize if my comment was out of line.
Would it have been better to provide less information in the original question? What could have improved this?
posted by fuzzbean at 1:32 PM on February 4, 2006
AskMe works best when people don't have to bring their value judgments into answering other people's questions. That said, I think it does a pretty good job of dealing with RelationshipFilter questions, providing a few things are true
1. the original poster gives enough information about their situation, and the situation they are trying to describe isn't one of those "Curious Incident of the Dog In Night Time" situations where everyone but the poster can see what the poster can't.
2. people don't go overboard trying to assume the best or worst about the situation, or make their assumptions fairly obvious or couched in "this is how I read this" language when they comment
3. the original poster takes the comments at face value -- these people don't know you, they may not have even read the other questions you have asked -- and can handle people ignoring statements they make [such as "I am not interested in breaking up with him/her" type responses] or making assumptions about their lives, emotions and/or intentions. There are a lot of VERY different people on MetaFilter, and they have lots of very different advice.
In this case, I don't think the commenters were out of line and I don't think fuzzbean was too out of line either, though replying with a fuck you is generally not a way to encourage other people to want to help you. So as an answer, what could have improved this was fuzzbean not cussing out people that gave her advice for free, but it's a pretty minor quibble. Clearly it's a topic she's sensitive about, which might make it bad fodder for asking the AskMe peanut gallery.
Wikipedia has a disclaimer on their edit page that says "If you don't want your writing to be edited mercilessly or redistributed by others, do not submit it." and AskMe probably needs something to that effect "If you don't want your relationship, including whatever part you play in it, to be critiqued mercilessly or debated by others, do not submit it to AskMe."
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:49 PM on February 4, 2006
1. the original poster gives enough information about their situation, and the situation they are trying to describe isn't one of those "Curious Incident of the Dog In Night Time" situations where everyone but the poster can see what the poster can't.
2. people don't go overboard trying to assume the best or worst about the situation, or make their assumptions fairly obvious or couched in "this is how I read this" language when they comment
3. the original poster takes the comments at face value -- these people don't know you, they may not have even read the other questions you have asked -- and can handle people ignoring statements they make [such as "I am not interested in breaking up with him/her" type responses] or making assumptions about their lives, emotions and/or intentions. There are a lot of VERY different people on MetaFilter, and they have lots of very different advice.
In this case, I don't think the commenters were out of line and I don't think fuzzbean was too out of line either, though replying with a fuck you is generally not a way to encourage other people to want to help you. So as an answer, what could have improved this was fuzzbean not cussing out people that gave her advice for free, but it's a pretty minor quibble. Clearly it's a topic she's sensitive about, which might make it bad fodder for asking the AskMe peanut gallery.
Wikipedia has a disclaimer on their edit page that says "If you don't want your writing to be edited mercilessly or redistributed by others, do not submit it." and AskMe probably needs something to that effect "If you don't want your relationship, including whatever part you play in it, to be critiqued mercilessly or debated by others, do not submit it to AskMe."
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:49 PM on February 4, 2006
See what I have to say about this in my comment in that thread. I don't think it is black-and-white.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:57 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:57 PM on February 4, 2006
For what it's worth, when I read fuzzbean's "fuck you" response, I was puzzled about why she reacted so harshly to what seemed, from where I was sitting, to be a fairly reasonable point on my part.
Then I re-read her question, and noticed the link, and was a little embarrassed that I had not noticed it the first time around. So, fuzzbean, I am sorry that I assumed the worst about you.
posted by jayder at 2:22 PM on February 4, 2006
Then I re-read her question, and noticed the link, and was a little embarrassed that I had not noticed it the first time around. So, fuzzbean, I am sorry that I assumed the worst about you.
posted by jayder at 2:22 PM on February 4, 2006
Well, thank god it's fixed. You all can now live again.
posted by puke & cry at 2:31 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by puke & cry at 2:31 PM on February 4, 2006
Jayder, thank you for your apology. I owe you one of my own for my rudeness and overheated response.
*deep breath* (Note to self: Next time take one of those *before* posting.)
posted by fuzzbean at 2:49 PM on February 4, 2006
*deep breath* (Note to self: Next time take one of those *before* posting.)
posted by fuzzbean at 2:49 PM on February 4, 2006
i used to have a cat i called fuzzbean. he got pancaked one morning crossing the east beltline.
posted by quonsar at 7:56 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by quonsar at 7:56 PM on February 4, 2006
With the exception of relationshipfilter, askme is a great resource.
posted by bardic at 8:04 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by bardic at 8:04 PM on February 4, 2006
With the exception of relationshipfilter
Does that include or exclude sex questions?
posted by mediareport at 9:51 PM on February 4, 2006
Does that include or exclude sex questions?
posted by mediareport at 9:51 PM on February 4, 2006
More often than not, RelationshipFilter works well. It's just that, with a subject so personal, it's tougher for posters to remember to take what makes sense and leave the rest.
posted by Miko at 9:59 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by Miko at 9:59 PM on February 4, 2006
i used to have a cat i called fuzzbean. he got pancaked one morning crossing the east beltline.
posted by quonsar at 7:56 PM PST on February 4 [!]
goes to work...shovels fur into garbage bin
posted by stirfry at 11:10 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by quonsar at 7:56 PM PST on February 4 [!]
goes to work...shovels fur into garbage bin
posted by stirfry at 11:10 PM on February 4, 2006
eh, maybe it was a tad harsh, but that's what people in emotionally charged situations do. We just accept it and hope they feel better soon. compassion, good sir! compassion in all things!
posted by shmegegge at 11:11 PM on February 4, 2006
posted by shmegegge at 11:11 PM on February 4, 2006
shovels fur into garbage bin
garbage bin? you're not fooling me, not with that username.
posted by quonsar at 6:14 AM on February 5, 2006
garbage bin? you're not fooling me, not with that username.
posted by quonsar at 6:14 AM on February 5, 2006
When you ask total strangers to judge your situation, it's entirely inappropriate to react like that when you don't like their judgment.
I agree. God knows that, and I'm quoting mathowie here, this is not a support group. hence, it's useless to whine when you ask strangers to pass judgement on your choices re: your personal life. if you want support, ask your friends, don't ask strangers on th Internet
posted by matteo at 9:52 AM on February 5, 2006
I agree. God knows that, and I'm quoting mathowie here, this is not a support group. hence, it's useless to whine when you ask strangers to pass judgement on your choices re: your personal life. if you want support, ask your friends, don't ask strangers on th Internet
posted by matteo at 9:52 AM on February 5, 2006
and also, you specifically asked:
posted by matteo at 10:01 AM on February 5, 2006
"So, Metafilter, what are your thoughts? "hence, MetaFilter spoke.
posted by matteo at 10:01 AM on February 5, 2006
Meh, it was a ridiculous assumption to make, and the guy was an asshole, IMO.
posted by delmoi at 10:16 AM on February 5, 2006
posted by delmoi at 10:16 AM on February 5, 2006
Metafilter: You're not fooling me, not with that username.
posted by Rothko at 1:55 PM on February 5, 2006
posted by Rothko at 1:55 PM on February 5, 2006
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When you ask total strangers to judge your situation, it's entirely inappropriate to react like that when you don't like their judgment. It's not like he suggested that a brisk rogering would fix it or something.
posted by grouse at 11:58 AM on February 4, 2006