"Eat a pickle every day."

January 13, 2007 9:40 PM

"Eat a pickle every day." [more inside]
posted by davy to Etiquette/Policy at 9:40 PM (73 comments total)

"Eat a dill pickle every day."

Eat one and shove the other up your butt. It's okay to use small pickles for the latter, but they have to be sour dill pickles and not sweet ones. But don't dry it off first: besides the gentle stretching, the benefit to inserting a pickle is to treat the area with brine and vinegar. You could also give yourself an enema with the "juice" from the pickle jar, that works even better.

(Sorry I got the lead-in quote wrong, I'm tired.]
posted by davy at 9:42 PM on January 13, 2007

less cryptic more sensemaking please....
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:44 PM on January 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do they still use alum in pickles? If not, it sounds like a (probably unhealthy, symptom-treating-only) urban legend.
posted by loquacious at 9:56 PM on January 13, 2007

He's just jerkin' our gherkin.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:56 PM on January 13, 2007

davy is trying to say it's a stupid answer. But he's too "tired" to phrase it correctly. Please close this thread.
posted by bob sarabia at 9:59 PM on January 13, 2007

well, i don't know ... it's not like it's gonna hurt someone ... (but really, maybe they should see a doctor, right?)
posted by pyramid termite at 10:02 PM on January 13, 2007

Dear metafilter,

I have some sort of issue with something somewhere over there. Please stop, or continue to do it.
posted by spaltavian at 10:05 PM on January 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

it's not like it's gonna hurt someone

I dunno. You ever give yourself a pickle enema while you have a case of inflamed hemorrhoids?

I haven't, but I bet it hurts.
posted by loquacious at 10:06 PM on January 13, 2007

It would, but that's not what the quoted answer says. What's wrong with suggesting to eat something everyday?
posted by Memo at 10:10 PM on January 13, 2007

I'm sorry, but I'm going to need to see hard data on this either way. tkolar?
posted by Eideteker at 10:11 PM on January 13, 2007

Well, he did say he was waiting for the next hemorrhoid question. Only took what? 16 months?
posted by Ugh at 10:20 PM on January 13, 2007

Err.. she.
posted by Ugh at 10:24 PM on January 13, 2007

Actually I've heard about old-fashioned hemorrhoid remedies using dill seeds somehow but I can't find a recipe for it, and the "pickle juice" is cooling and mildly astringent whether there's enough dill in it to make a difference or not. Why experiment with crushing and infusing dill seeds when the pickle-makers did it for you? And Googling shows recommendations for apple cider vinegar while the kind used in pickling cucumbers is the plain clear stuff, but I think for this purpose the only difference is the cider vinegar smells pretty.

But while unrepentanthippie did say "[I]t sounds like voodoo, but it does work" I can't claim "pickle juice" cures anything, and I'll admit that the idea of using a pickle as a suppository was meant as a joke. As for using an acidic solution as an enema, well, if you were really considering it I'd suggest using it for an external wash first to see how it feels.

My girlfriend is telling me I'd better go lay down now.
posted by davy at 10:28 PM on January 13, 2007

metafilter: ever give yourself a pickle enema while you have a case of inflamed hemorrhoids?
posted by empath at 10:45 PM on January 13, 2007

Brought to you by the Pickle Advisory Board.
posted by moonbird at 10:46 PM on January 13, 2007

You won't do this, no one does, but it actually works.

I knew I'd encountered that "nobody ever takes me seriously" tone before! Chin up, unrepentanthippy. Someday they'll listen.
posted by lekvar at 11:31 PM on January 13, 2007

unrepentant hippy should write a book. So far we have the vinegar-sunburn treatment and the "eating a dill pickle a day keeps the proctologist away" cure.
posted by Justinian at 11:40 PM on January 13, 2007

Dude, WTF was this about? I just read it and went, "Huh. With a name like "unrepentanthippy", it figures. But who am I to judge? It takes all kinds..."

Seriously. Person asked a question, someone answered it. Have you ever tried it, davy? Me neither. Far as we know, it could work.
posted by plaidrabbit at 11:48 PM on January 13, 2007

I have occasional 'roids. Eating acidic foods can be excruciatingly painful at these times. YM(and ass pain)MV.
posted by IronLizard at 12:11 AM on January 14, 2007

less lame callout more flameout please....
posted by Brittanie at 12:51 AM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oddly, I was just looking for a thread on pickle innuendo.
posted by Wolof at 1:08 AM on January 14, 2007

less lame callout more flameout please....

You don't really want to see an hemorroid flame out.
posted by qvantamon at 2:02 AM on January 14, 2007

I really don't want to be exposed to anal fissures ...on fire.
posted by loquacious at 2:40 AM on January 14, 2007

we have a broken jar of pickles on 4.
clean up on aisle 4 please. clean up on aisle 4.
posted by nola at 2:42 AM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Just don't slip and fall.
posted by chrismear at 3:53 AM on January 14, 2007

You don't really want to see an hemorroid flame out.

It burns, burns, burns.
posted by Brittanie at 4:21 AM on January 14, 2007

That question gets asked so often - doesn't anyone check the archives anymore? And didn't we even argue about the damn pickles before, too? Or am I trapped in some hideous vortex of deja vu?
posted by CunningLinguist at 4:25 AM on January 14, 2007

It's groundhog day.
posted by IronLizard at 4:27 AM on January 14, 2007

davy, are you not busy defending pedophles in the 'kids kidnapped' thread?
posted by fixedgear at 4:30 AM on January 14, 2007

Metafilter: a hideous vortex of deja vu
posted by Meatbomb at 6:05 AM on January 14, 2007

Pickle juice? Vinegar? Damn, you kids sure like it rough. In my day, we used blackberry juice or horse chestnut extract, and by gum, you could give it to the babies when they had diaper rash.

While we're at it, honey's mighty fine for jungle toe. You whippersnappers with your SUVs an' your subway trains wouldn't know about such things, I'm a-guessin'.
posted by Smart Dalek at 6:23 AM on January 14, 2007

You won't read this comment, but if you did it make sense.
posted by The Deej at 6:30 AM on January 14, 2007

Pickles have no calories, and lots of fibers. Eating a pickle every day ain't going to hurt you, unless you have a sodium issue. Shoving one up your ass, though, is a horse of another color. Not recommended.

davy, I'm a little disappointed with this callout.
posted by Mister_A at 6:59 AM on January 14, 2007

its make sense. Get it right.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:59 AM on January 14, 2007

Jeebus did I just write "lots of fibers"?

*stews*
posted by Mister_A at 7:00 AM on January 14, 2007

Whatever is in that pickle post are contagious.
posted by Mister_A at 7:00 AM on January 14, 2007

its make sense. Get it right.
posted by Civil_Disobedient

lol... Yeahhhh, that wot i ment.

(It was a test to see if anyone pays attention. Remember, negative attention is still attention.)
posted by The Deej at 7:18 AM on January 14, 2007

Thanks, Picklefucker!
posted by jonmc at 7:38 AM on January 14, 2007

What was actually said:
Eat a dill pickle every day. Give it about a month or two, they get better and then you can go on the maintenance plan, where you only have to eat a dill pickle a couple of times a week. You won't do this, because it sounds like voodoo, but it does work.

What davy is saying:
Eat one and shove the other up your butt. It's okay to use small pickles for the latter, but they have to be sour dill pickles and not sweet ones. But don't dry it off first: besides the gentle stretching, the benefit to inserting a pickle is to treat the area with brine and vinegar. You could also give yourself an enema with the "juice" from the pickle jar, that works even better.

.....
Is Davy trying to tell us what he'd like the answer to be? Or what he read it as? Or is he just ranting in a very strange fashion?

I like dill pickles.
But I don't WANT to expose anus to pickle, davy.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 8:24 AM on January 14, 2007

While we're talking about davy weirdness . . .
posted by Mid at 8:40 AM on January 14, 2007

I have the remarkable ability to flag posts and comments. Apparently I alone possess this power.
posted by iconomy at 8:53 AM on January 14, 2007

Clearly, davy is eating things with the wrong end of his GI tract.

(please mark this comment as best answer and close the thread.)
posted by Eideteker at 8:54 AM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

I just ate a pickle.
posted by loquacious at 8:56 AM on January 14, 2007

*tickles loquacious' pate*

coochie coo!
posted by carsonb at 9:08 AM on January 14, 2007

I have the remarkable ability to flag posts and comments. Apparently I alone possess this power.
posted by iconomy

Now where's the fun in that?

I just gotted a pickle for you, but I eated it.
posted by The Deej at 9:42 AM on January 14, 2007

*flags all of The Deej's comments as noise*
posted by iconomy at 9:46 AM on January 14, 2007

See, NOW yer thinking! That WAS fun wasn't it!!!

Wait, wha...
posted by The Deej at 9:50 AM on January 14, 2007

For all the good these dill pickles have done, I may as well have shoved them up my arse.

< /mydadsjokes>
posted by Jofus at 10:02 AM on January 14, 2007

Eideteker wrote....
I'm sorry, but I'm going to need to see hard data on this either way. tkolar?

From 2004-2006:

The word hemorrhoid appears a total of 68 times across 27 different questions and their comments.

The word pickle appears a total of 658 times across 343 different questions and their comments.

Curiously enough, only 3 of the 27 hemorrhoid threads mention pickles.


As of Friday, January 12, 2007:

Saul's Restaurant and Deli in Berkeley, CA serves some really amazing pickles. Just sit down at the table and they'll bring you a small bowl. They're clearly pickles, but you can still taste the cucumber -- I think it's because they're fresh. Anyway, they're really really good.
posted by tkolar at 10:24 AM on January 14, 2007

"davy, are you not busy defending pedophles in the 'kids kidnapped' thread?"

Hey everybody, chime in appropriately!
posted by davy at 10:27 AM on January 14, 2007

*sniffs bait, swims away*
posted by mediareport at 10:57 AM on January 14, 2007

MetaTalk: When That Snarky AskMe Response Just Has To Be Posted Somewhere, Anywhere.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:04 AM on January 14, 2007

"MetaTalk: When That Snarky AskMe Response Just Has To Be Posted Somewhere, Anywhere."

Hey, who told YOU?!? Are you like PSYCHIC or something?
posted by davy at 11:25 AM on January 14, 2007

I knew you were going to ask that.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:26 AM on January 14, 2007

True story: I once agreed to be in a paid focus group for pickles. It just so happens that I don't like pickles, and I don't know if I've ever eaten one in its entirety. I was happy to get the $60, but two hours of having to ad-lib on my favourite kind of pickle, when I don't even know the names of the different varieties, was very difficult to do convincingly. I should've done some research in the pickle aisle first.

One of the questions was: "If a Vlasic pickle was a person, what kind of person would it be?"
posted by loiseau at 11:37 AM on January 14, 2007

I don't want a pickle
Just want to ride on my motorsickle
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:59 AM on January 14, 2007

There was an old comedy routine I saw on TV as a kid (it may have been Johnny Carson or Jonathan Winters or Bill Dana as Jose Jimenez, I can't recall), with a guy interviewed who had the job of standing near the end of a pickle packaging line and removing any pickles that stuck too far out of the jars to put the lid on. His job title? Pickle plucker. (Big laugh.) Then he got promoted to do the same thing for the smaller pickles. His new job title? Gherkin jerker. (Bigger laugh.) I swear this was on TV in the early 60s and I've remembered it ever since.
posted by wendell at 12:13 PM on January 14, 2007

One of the questions was: "If a Vlasic pickle was a person, what kind of person would it be?"

A really tasty, juicy person? Shit, I don't know - that's a terrible question.
posted by bob sarabia at 12:31 PM on January 14, 2007

"If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" ~ Barbara Walters
posted by iconomy at 12:42 PM on January 14, 2007

I don't want a pickle
Just want to ride on my motorsickle

I don't want to fly
Just want to ride on my motorcy
cle
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:05 PM on January 14, 2007

jessamyn: "I don't want a pickle
Just want to ride on my motorsickle"

Talk about your bad hemorrhoid advice.
posted by Partial Law at 2:28 PM on January 14, 2007

"If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" ~ Barbara Walters

In Baba's defense, she was responding to Katharine Hepburn's comment that she would like to be a tree.

She's still going to hell for The View, though.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:27 PM on January 14, 2007

I'd be the kind of tree that lubricates the pickle first.
posted by davy at 3:49 PM on January 14, 2007

That's exactly the sort of thing we need hard market data on. Do people want anally fitted pickles? Do they want them prelubricated? What color should they be?


Marketing focus group tale. Many, many years ago when I was an even hungrier weirdo I partook in a marketing study about brooms. Which, frankly, is about as unlikely an area of expertise for me as pickles are for loiseau.

It was pretty ho-hum, until they brought out the weird looking brooms - brooms with half red and black or half green and black bristles in solid blocks of color. Rainbow colored brooms with flourescent dustpans. Brooms in entirely unnatural, lurid color styles.

Of course at this point I became rather excited. These hideous brooms were great! The colors were eye-popping, the designs fantastic. I expressed my desire to purchase any number of these colorful, unusual brooms, which was dutifully noted on their industrial-strength metal clipboards. Of course, I also wanted to screw with their data. I'd planned to do that before I started the survey, but the luridly colored brooms made it too easy. I actually liked them!

Note that nearly a decade later one can purchase brooms with some pretty wild color combinations. I'm sorry. I'm a consumer whore. You can blame me if you can't find a synthetic broom in any plain, unoffensive colors.

However, I'd do it all over again. I wonder what other hardgoods markets I could screw up?

Hey Apple! New product idea: iKitty. An insanely great bioengineered cat-based massively integrated media player and communications device. It would be based around a new interface technology called multiyowl. You stick your hand in the cat and control the playback functions with intuitive gestures. Never needs batteries! Only milk and fish! Revolutionary!
posted by loquacious at 4:32 PM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Hey Apple! New product idea: iKitty.

*invents and patents iKittyLitter*
posted by pyramid termite at 4:41 PM on January 14, 2007

I'd be the kind of tree that lubricates the pickle first.

I have now read every possible sentence in English.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 4:58 PM on January 14, 2007 [3 favorites]

loquacious, did any of those brooms vibrate? It would be kind of cool to have a vibrating broom.
posted by iconomy at 5:03 PM on January 14, 2007

The jokes just keep on coming!

The pickles, do they vibrate?

iCeilingCat is watching you rip mp3s.

If you were on The View, what kind of broom would you be?

I don't want to be exposed to Arlo.
posted by wendell at 5:51 PM on January 14, 2007

Is it Kosher?
posted by tellurian at 6:43 PM on January 14, 2007

That's exactly the sort of thing we need hard market data on. Do people want anally fitted pickles? Do they want them prelubricated? What color should they be?

+1 stealth Douglas Adams reference
posted by kindall at 11:49 PM on January 14, 2007

No way, man. I rolled 2d6 for 12 on stealth, with +3 for the charmed bologna underpants. What kind of $diety meddling is this? Are you gonna GM or what?
posted by loquacious at 12:08 AM on January 15, 2007

Actually I thought it was a pretty obvious Adams reference, but I make them pretty frequently.
posted by loquacious at 12:12 AM on January 15, 2007

>> I'd be the kind of tree that lubricates the pickle first.

> I have now read every possible sentence in English.

Thanks to Babelfish now you can see it em português:

'Eu seria o tipo da árvore que lubrifica o pickle primeiramente.'
posted by davy at 11:05 AM on January 15, 2007