mefi survival guide

August 11, 2003 11:05 AM

MetaFilter Survival Guide, by KevinSkomsvold. "Remember, this is just a guide, but if I can help just one person escape the wrath of an old-timer, I've done my job."
posted by me3dia to MetaFilter-Related at 11:05 AM (86 comments total)

Now's when Kevin feigns ignorance and apologizes profusely.

:)
posted by me3dia at 11:06 AM on August 11, 2003

At least bi-monthly, try to post something about cocktails

Now that is some good advice.
posted by iconomy at 11:31 AM on August 11, 2003

More cocktails!
posted by i_cola at 12:20 PM on August 11, 2003

I'll have a pitcher of Point over here, please.
posted by rocketman at 1:38 PM on August 11, 2003

this post is a defacto slippery slope.
posted by quonsar at 1:45 PM on August 11, 2003

that's Slippery Nipple.
posted by i_cola at 1:57 PM on August 11, 2003

My own MeFi guide to newbies:
-except for mathowie, ignore all the old timers; to keep MeFi alive, it's your duty to supersede them;
-think for yourself;
-be original.
posted by 111 at 2:05 PM on August 11, 2003

ya forgot:

-suck up to mathowie
posted by signal at 2:10 PM on August 11, 2003

or was that implicit in the first point?
posted by signal at 2:11 PM on August 11, 2003

Okay, we've got a guide for newbies. Now if we only had some newbies...
posted by NortonDC at 2:24 PM on August 11, 2003

it's your duty to supersede them

Dark side points!
posted by inpHilltr8r at 2:24 PM on August 11, 2003

*unzips, leans back, allows 111 to supersede*
posted by quonsar at 2:24 PM on August 11, 2003

-think for yourself

Odd, I've never seen 111 do this.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:36 PM on August 11, 2003

*unzips, leans back, allows 111 to supersede*

Pointless post, I just wanted to see that one again.
posted by SuzySmith at 2:37 PM on August 11, 2003

"*unzips, leans back, allows 111 to supersede*"

That would be succeed, wouldn't it?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:38 PM on August 11, 2003

Okay, we've got a guide for newbies. Now if we only had some newbies...

Hear, hear.
posted by rushmc at 2:41 PM on August 11, 2003

I like Kevin, and read nadablog frequently, but I still think that as a general rule we should avoid linking to soething written on a member's blog.

By which, of course, I mean that I'm pissed I didn't think of the idea first (the writing, not the linking).
posted by yhbc at 2:47 PM on August 11, 2003

That would be succeed, wouldn't it?

Aha! Now we know mr_crash_davis is, uh... either Alister Crowley or Robert Anton Wilson.
posted by jpburns at 2:48 PM on August 11, 2003

I think quonsar was also trying to make the same point I did, except he didn't use fancy words like "soething".
posted by yhbc at 2:49 PM on August 11, 2003

Additional rule of thumb :
-when in doubt, play close attention to every single thing signal, quonsar et al say and do. Then say and do exactly the opposite.
posted by 111 at 2:49 PM on August 11, 2003

pay attention...
posted by 111 at 2:51 PM on August 11, 2003

-always be willing to cut off your hand (this is an important rhetorical tool).
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 3:01 PM on August 11, 2003

Be a self-righteous blowhard, and rain terror upon your debating foes. Also, be self-referential whenever possible, because it is, let's face it, all about you.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:05 PM on August 11, 2003

Additional rule of thumb :
-when in doubt, play close attention to every single thing signal, quonsar et al say and do. Then say and do exactly the opposite.

Don't forget to hold long-running petty grudges and mention them every chance you get.
posted by The Michael The at 3:07 PM on August 11, 2003

My advice for newbies is to genuflect to mathowie and whenever he says something, no matter how mundane it might be, make sure to say "I agree with Matt, but he said it better than I ever could have." Let me tell you, he remembers that kind of thing, and it will pay off in the long run.
posted by Hildago at 3:18 PM on August 11, 2003

...waits for Hildago's star to appear...
posted by NortonDC at 3:20 PM on August 11, 2003

Keep a list of things on your user page. What kind of list is not important, merely the fact that you can list things.
posted by jonson at 3:21 PM on August 11, 2003

I'm an upright citizen and Mefite. I am incapable of listing.
posted by dash_slot- at 4:04 PM on August 11, 2003

-when in doubt, play close attention

Freudian slip! Bonus troll points!
posted by inpHilltr8r at 4:11 PM on August 11, 2003

Keep your name off jonson's user page list at all costs.
posted by dg at 4:13 PM on August 11, 2003

My pointless advice:

take the opportunity given by the preview window to NOT POST at least as many times as you do. Ask yourself, "is this necessary?" If not, don't post it.
posted by norm at 4:29 PM on August 11, 2003

Oh boy. At first I thought I'd need to run out and buy gauze for the ol' bung. Thanks for being so kind.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 4:32 PM on August 11, 2003

*straps on the AnalIntruder3000*
posted by quonsar at 4:37 PM on August 11, 2003

Give that back quonsar, and next time ask nicely.

Oh, before giving it back, run it through the autoclave.
posted by WolfDaddy at 5:07 PM on August 11, 2003

norm - excellent advice. If I posted everything I type into the comment box and then delete after previewing, MiguelCardoso would have nothing on me.

*Hands KevinSkomsvold some gauze pads*
posted by dg at 5:09 PM on August 11, 2003

Here Kev, this is for you.
posted by angry modem at 7:22 PM on August 11, 2003

User #206's Top Umpteen Rules for MetaFilter Success:

(1) Don't ever do ANYTHING wendell's EVER done.

(2) Your first ten posts must NOT link to any news site, any news satire site, any weblog anybody ever heard of, anybody selling anything or any "Which X Are You?" test.

(3) Your first twenty comments must NOT contain any identifiable "MetaFilter Runining Joke" (pancakes/cameras/overlords/pony/Miguel).

(4) Number of links in post should be > 1 and < y2karl.

(5) Number of words in link < number of words in rest of post.

(6) Number of words in link mouseover < number of words in rest of post.

(7) Frequency of FFP < 1/4 MiguelCardoso.

(8) Frequency of comments < 1/4 quonsar.

(9) Never aspire to be "the next StanChin". It is impossible.

(10) Never aspire to be "the next thomcatspike". It is not emotionally healthy.

(11) Never aspire to be "the next StephenDenBeste." It is evil.

(12) If you must participate in a "cult thread", make sure that there are at least 3 (preferably 5) other users posting more often than you.

(13) If the debate in a political thread ever becomes "you", then "somejerk", then "you", then "thesamejerk", then "you", then "thesamejerk", walk away from your computer and never comment in he same thread again. Do not start a MetaTalk thread about it, and if somebody else does, post ONE comment to it only.

(14) Include at least two words from the name of the site or the title of the page (preferably the entire name) in your FPP about it. (If everybody did this, Double Posts would decrease by 90%).

(15) If you ever find yourself making a comment in a political/news thread that is to the Left of foldandmutilate or to the Right of 111, walk away from the computer (or spend at least 30 minutes at homestarrunner.com) If you ever find yourself making such a comment in a NON-political/news thread, get a gun and shoot yourself in the head.

(16) Never ever ever ever post a comment on MetaFilter that you are going to quit posting on MetaFilter. This is the equivalent of writing a suicide note when you haven't bought the gun yet. Instead, just seek out total strangers and ask them if they've ever heard of MetaFilter. If one says "No", give him/her your username and password. Repeat at least ten times. Do not return to MetaFilter for at least two weeks. If you have not been permanently banned, resume participating like nothing happened.

(17) Remember that mathowie is God... and you are an Agnostic.
posted by wendell at 9:06 PM on August 11, 2003

(18) Stop making up stupid newbie rules
posted by angry modem at 10:05 PM on August 11, 2003

(19) don't borrow memes from other sites.

(20) ??????

(21) profit!
posted by mcsweetie at 10:17 PM on August 11, 2003

Wow, way to take all the fun out of things wendell.

(22) Don't start a MeTa thread suggesting that MeTa is not fit to be seen by the public :-(
posted by dg at 10:21 PM on August 11, 2003

In reference to wendell's (9), here is my Law:

1) The ultimate law you must always follow is "IT IS A GLORIFIED DISCUSSION BOARD." It is not a community. It is not a news source. It is an extremely poor filter for the web. It has very little impact on anything outside it's small sphere of influence.

2) Almost everybody disregards Law (1)

3) If you follow (1), you will logically be vastly superior to everyone else

4) By realizing the fact that everybody but you will take this site too seriously, you can learn to manipulate them

5) Practice at pushing certain buttons. Troll certain groups of people. Learn what ticks them off. Learn how to predict reactions. Only then will you figure out how to make them like you.

6) Your goal will soon be achieved: You are the ultimate invincible troll. You can attempt anything at any time with such skill that it will always be seen as delightful.

7) Always remember (1), because we all have better things to do, and life's too short.
posted by Stan Chin at 10:36 PM on August 11, 2003

On preview, I only post about 10% of the comments I start.
I guess I should not be such a harsh self-critic. ;-P
posted by mischief at 11:53 PM on August 11, 2003

1) The ultimate law you must always follow is "IT IS A GLORIFIED DISCUSSION BOARD." It is not a community. It is not a news source. It is an extremely poor filter for the web. It has very little impact on anything outside it's small sphere of influence.

How exactly is it glorified anyway?
posted by fvw at 1:41 AM on August 12, 2003

Where the heck is foldy, anyway? He disappeared around the same time as MidasMulligan, didn't he?

Hmm...
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:35 AM on August 12, 2003

That would be one helluva split personality.
posted by Cyrano at 7:07 AM on August 12, 2003

when do I become an oldy? huh?

f*ckers.
posted by Frasermoo at 7:10 AM on August 12, 2003

Where the heck is foldy, anyway? He disappeared around the same time as MidasMulligan, didn't he?

I'm seeing a cute li'l white wooden house with a cute li'l white picket fence and some cute li'l roses around the door. Possibly a cute li'l lawn goose in the front? I'm seeing a happy-ever-after story here kids and it makes me want to shed a li'l tear of happiness...

...Nurse? Oh, yes. The blue ones. Thank you...
posted by i_cola at 7:29 AM on August 12, 2003

I only post about 10% of the comments I start.

Maybe you should try reversing your categories.
posted by timeistight at 8:21 AM on August 12, 2003

...just seek out total strangers and ask them if they've ever heard of MetaFilter. If one says "No", give him/her your username and password. Repeat at least ten times. Do not return to MetaFilter for at least two weeks. If you have not been permanently banned, resume participating like nothing happened.

I have nothing in particular to say about this; it's just so brilliant I had to see it again. Give wendell Stan Chin's missing gold star.

Say, where is foldy, anyway?
posted by languagehat at 8:49 AM on August 12, 2003

Say, where is foldy, anyway?

Trolling political newsgroups, same place he was before signing up for MeFi. It's been pleasant around here though, eh?
posted by dhoyt at 12:02 PM on August 12, 2003

I could have sworn I saw foldy giving the finger to a hotdog vendor he knows at a Padres game a couple weeks ago on ESPN2.
posted by UncleFes at 12:03 PM on August 12, 2003

It's been less than two weeks; he's probably just on vacation.
posted by timeistight at 12:25 PM on August 12, 2003

For that matter, where's Miguel? I kinda miss him.
posted by me3dia at 1:29 PM on August 12, 2003

(3) Your first twenty comments must NOT contain any identifiable "MetaFilter Runining Joke" (pancakes/cameras/overlords/pony/Miguel).

That should be "Your comments must never contain..."
posted by meech at 3:16 PM on August 12, 2003

Wendell, have you ever worked? I mean, you know, a real job with a salary. Doesn't matter if it was with a Fortune 500 corporation, an NGO, or a little Mom and Pop store. Just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing these last few years.
posted by billsaysthis at 4:11 PM on August 12, 2003

why dont we all email migs and ask him where he is ?
posted by sgt.serenity at 5:33 PM on August 12, 2003

You people have a really sick relationship with Miguel Cardoso. I think you project your own hangups on to him, then love him and hate him by turns.

Or maybe it's just me.
posted by Hildago at 6:31 PM on August 12, 2003

*hugs life-sized cardboard miguel a little tighter*
posted by quonsar at 7:13 PM on August 12, 2003

Miguel "Woofers" Cardoso.
posted by homunculus at 7:14 PM on August 12, 2003

MetaFilter: What's the appeal?
posted by homunculus at 7:19 PM on August 12, 2003

Wow, I need to get me one of those dogs.
posted by dg at 7:24 PM on August 12, 2003

Just joking about banning timeistight, there, btw...
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:26 PM on August 12, 2003

I knew that. Really, I did. No worries here. Not me.
posted by timeistight at 8:41 PM on August 12, 2003

Ya know, I was wondering where Miguel was too...
posted by dejah420 at 8:53 PM on August 12, 2003

Isn't he writing a book?
posted by gen at 8:56 PM on August 12, 2003

I thought he was reading a book.
posted by dg at 9:16 PM on August 12, 2003

i heard of a guy who read a book once.
posted by quonsar at 9:25 PM on August 12, 2003

Rule x: Lurk, reading every comment in every thread. Pop out of the woodwork only so often that people scratch their head and wonder who the f--- that is.
posted by will at 9:44 PM on August 12, 2003

hey, who was that?
posted by taz at 9:55 PM on August 12, 2003

rule x should be followed more often by that noisy-noisy 14k crew, s'all i can say.
posted by elphTeq at 12:43 AM on August 13, 2003

why dont we all email migs and ask him where he is ?

One step further: Let's all email him at exactly 1:30 pm eastern today 8/13, suggest five fictional MeFi usernames for his book, and then ignore him for two weeks.

Or, has that already been done? ;-P
posted by mischief at 1:35 AM on August 13, 2003

Frasermoo - 'When do I become an oldy?'

Not before me Mr 11355.
posted by asok at 3:03 AM on August 13, 2003

"Let's all email him at exactly 1:30 pm......."

Flash-meta-mob
posted by y6y6y6 at 5:02 AM on August 13, 2003

Flash-meta-migel-mob?
posted by i_cola at 5:31 AM on August 13, 2003

I could have sworn I saw foldy giving the finger to a hotdog vendor he knows at a Padres game a couple weeks ago on ESPN2.

I always hald foldy figured for an Angels fan, somehow.
posted by jonmc at 6:21 AM on August 13, 2003

The key is staying away long enough so that people forget you.

Well I can check that one off my list of things to do.
posted by cowboy at 8:08 AM on August 13, 2003

Who was that cowboy?
posted by timeistight at 8:40 AM on August 13, 2003

(12) If you must participate in a "cult thread", make sure that there are at least 3 (preferably 5) other users posting more often than you.
posted by none at 1:18 PM on August 13, 2003

I for one welcome our new list-making overlords
posted by bonaldi at 1:49 PM on August 13, 2003

Another rule:
Be very careful when selecting your user name. You're really going to miss that space in the middle.
posted by feelinglistless at 3:13 PM on August 13, 2003

Foldy and I eloped. Having a wonderful time. Lovely pineapples; enormous groopers in the swimming pool; nice local newspaper with lots of crossword puzzles and pictures of fresh-faced lottery winners and bare breasts. Bats the only real problem. Wish you were here!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:06 PM on August 13, 2003

I don't want to know what's involved during the honeymoon when you two begin folding and mutilating.
posted by Stan Chin at 8:13 PM on August 13, 2003

enormous groopers in the swimming pool

they move their mouths?
posted by quonsar at 8:24 PM on August 13, 2003

Schweppesgirl will surely be surprised.
posted by konolia at 8:29 PM on August 13, 2003

I don't want to know what's involved during the honeymoon when you two begin folding and mutilating.
You know how it goes - fold at line A, insert tab B in slot C ....
posted by dg at 8:31 PM on August 13, 2003

enormous groopers in the swimming pool

Oh no, that's a typo -- he meant enormous gropers.
posted by me3dia at 9:15 AM on August 14, 2003