Kidnapped girl post is not a good Metafilter FPP August 29, 2006 2:48 PM   Subscribe

I don't want this to be a callout, but I'm wondering if the language in this post is appropriate for an FPP. It reads a bit like an email forward.
posted by casconed to MetaFilter-Related at 2:48 PM (29 comments total)

Yeah, flagged.
posted by LarryC at 2:51 PM on August 29, 2006

Effing n00bs.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 2:51 PM on August 29, 2006

I would like to pause a moment to bask in the glory of this amazingly misconstructed post. Is there anything that was done correctly? I guess the title is at least accurate...
posted by mikeh at 2:52 PM on August 29, 2006

Also, I'm wondering who Pari is, as other comments were "signed" (bleurgh) John.
posted by Orange Goblin at 2:53 PM on August 29, 2006

shades of gene pitney.
posted by boo_radley at 2:53 PM on August 29, 2006

lame post, removed.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 2:54 PM on August 29, 2006

poster's homepage is a crappy commercial website and his posting history looks thin indeed.

Ban this asshole already.
posted by felix betachat at 2:54 PM on August 29, 2006

huh, maybe i do want this to be a callout. JOHNSAUNDERS I'M CALLING YOU OUT!
posted by casconed at 2:56 PM on August 29, 2006

It isn't very pretty what a town without Pitney can do.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:57 PM on August 29, 2006 [2 favorites]

I don't care too much about the kidnapped girl, but what's this about freeview set top boxes?
posted by justkevin at 2:58 PM on August 29, 2006

I don't want this to be a callout, but

I don't want this to be a comment wherein I quote your callout, but

posted by mattbucher at 2:59 PM on August 29, 2006

August 29th, 2006

Ate a cheese sandwich. Wanted chocolate milk, but I'm out.

Mood: disappointed

posted by cortex at 3:04 PM on August 29, 2006

See, felix, that's why you don't get that banhammer. You're too damn eager to use it!
posted by jonson at 3:04 PM on August 29, 2006

aww matt, feel free!
posted by casconed at 3:07 PM on August 29, 2006

posted by kosem at 3:07 PM on August 29, 2006

The posting buttons for all the Mefi sites should be better hidden.
posted by peacay at 3:08 PM on August 29, 2006

Weird there's someone calling themselves John/Pari that seems to be doing a bit of spamming for this freeview site.
posted by bob sarabia at 3:10 PM on August 29, 2006

who the hell cares, "kindnapped" is genius
posted by matteo at 3:30 PM on August 29, 2006

Where's Todd Lokken when you need him?
posted by mkultra at 3:37 PM on August 29, 2006

maybe he's been kindnapped by horny Indians?
posted by matteo at 3:45 PM on August 29, 2006

Agent Howie lowered himself down from the ceiling of The Andorran Museum of Ancient History. It was 2am in the morning and he was here on a mission. He was here to steal a book for the mysterious figure known as The Librarian.

After having met the Librarian three weeks ago in an Andorran hotel room, Agent Howie had been offered a deal; help The Librarian get what she wants and in exchange she would offer him not only the information that would help The Agency invade the principality but also the information that would help him take revenge on those responsible for the death of Agent Babyguru. She had pointed him to a MeTa thread that she said would tell him what it was that she wanted. Upon having read the thread, it was clear what she wanted. It was an ancient book that was currently on show at the Andorran Museum of Ancient History. On loan from the Museum of London, the book was believed to be a tome that could reveal the future. Agent Howie never put stock in such things, but if this is what he needed to steal to get the information he needed from the Librarian then so be it.

His plan was simple. He had examined the routine of the guards for weeks now and his investigations into the security systems of the museum showed them to be nothing that the boys from IT back at The Agency would have any problems with. While he waited for the tech to arrive, he would study the blueprints of the museum, which he had obtained through various back channels he now had open to him. He had discovered that the best way was to enter via the roof. It would be a simple 'get-in-get-out' operation.

With the tech delivered (and the full blessing of Operative R), Agent Howie's plan was now in full swing. Sneaking through the museum he deftly avoided the patrolling guards and easily subverted the security systems. Eventually he found himself in the main display room. And there it was. The book. He suck up to it. Even now Agent Howie knew he had to keep his cool. One wrong move could jeopardize everything.

He was standing next to it now. He couldn't believe his luck. The Andorran's must have thought their security up until this point was too good. The book itself was unprotected. All How had to do was reach out and grab it and the book would be his. As he stretched out his arms to take it however, something caught his eye. It was an engraving on the front of the book; one that looked almost exactly like the Metafilter logo. He leaned forward to examine it closer. The resemblance was uncanny. It practically was the Metafilter logo! But how could this be? This book was meant to be over 2000 years old.

He had to admit his curiosity had been piqued. Though he did not believe this book could tell the future, the appearance of the Project Metafilter logo on the front of an ancient tome that he had been sent here to steal seemed to be one step too far into 'Bizarre Coincidence Land.' He picked up the book rashly and then realized what he had done. He waited for the crash of sirens and the call of the guards for him to freeze but it didn't happen. It really hadbeen too good to be true! The book was his. And now it was time to find out what knowledge it contained. How's gut told him loud and clear that it couldn't wait until he returned back to his hotel room. Somehow he felt it had to be done now.

Crouching down, he placed the book on the floor. He opened the front cover. As he did, Howie felt a discernable drop in the temperature. It was getting colder for some reason. As he pondered this strange occurrence, he suddenly heard what sounded like a great rushing of wind. Suddenly he was in the thick of what felt like a strong gale. The pages of the book flipped wildly. Howie looked all around. "What the fuck is going on here?" he wondered. But whatever strange force was at work, Howie suspected that the strong wind and sudden drop in temperature must have been noticed by security by now. He decided the best course of action was to ignore his gut and get the hell out of there now, but suddenly the wind stopped dead. The room was still ice-cold but the wind had certainly stopped in an instant. He looked down at the book and read the passage the open pages contained.
"How. He and his project shall change the world. How is unknown. But he will become a great leader. A Prime among many. He will be loved and revered but feared also. His quest shall be driven by a lust to avenge the infant guru. Look for the signs. The Threads shall be revealed in 12594. When the world hears of the young girl rushed to Pakistan to marry an older man, by then you must know that his victory over all shall be nigh."
"Interesting" thought Howie. "It seems to be referring to a MeTa thread. But how will a simple MeTa call out herald a victory over all?" He immediately considered that it may have something to do with the planned invasion but how Project Metafilter would "change the world" was beyond his comprehension. Project Metafilter was little more than a front for the profiling of internet nerds*. He would have pondered the issue longer when he heard the sound of footsteps running down the hall leading to the display room. Security had been alerted!

Agent Howie slid back into the shadows and before long he had escaped the Museum and into the night. He had a new goal now. To examine the contents of Thread 12594 and see how it applied to this ancient prophecy. Howie had become a believer...

See 'The Adventures of Agent How #6: The Meek Will Inherit The Earth', in which The Agency decides to create Project Metafilter to profile internet users and discern who among them may prove troublesome to the goals of The Agency.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:46 PM on August 29, 2006 [3 favorites]

I love 'kindnapped' too. "I was forced at gunpoint out of the line at the DMV. When my abducters finally removed the blindfold, I found myself in a Baskin Robbins surrounded by balloons and baby alpacas! Thanks, KindNappersTM!"
posted by maryh at 3:46 PM on August 29, 2006 [2 favorites]

Matthew Chen, is that you?
posted by OmieWise at 4:04 PM on August 29, 2006

too bad he ignored jonson's charitable , faithful advice
posted by Aghast. at 4:05 PM on August 29, 2006

It was a crappy post, but I don't see any basis for the self-link accusations. He linked to a BBC story, not to his own website.
posted by brain_drain at 4:32 PM on August 29, 2006

From now on, I'm including the disclaimer "Not sure how true all this is" on any future FPP.
posted by yeti at 5:30 PM on August 29, 2006

Oh, Astro Zombie... oh my.

I'm gonna kindnap you one of these days.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:21 PM on August 29, 2006

Agent Effigy 2000 could see the joke across the room, smoking a cigarette and playing with its watch. E2000 crept across the room, always staying behind the joke. Then, when he got close, he beat the fucking joke into the fucking ground.
posted by klangklangston at 6:21 AM on August 30, 2006

I like the ongoing tales.
posted by dame at 6:39 AM on August 30, 2006

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