how to become anonymous? July 12, 2007 5:46 PM   Subscribe

wow. anonymous - despite having a bunch of issues with sex, relationships, health, work, depression, relationships, marriage, dating, jobs & love - sure has a hell of a lot of sweetheart, muse, date and spouse contacts! how can i emulate this alchemical transmutation of general leaden fuckedupness into popularity gold?
posted by UbuRoivas to MetaFilter-Related at 5:46 PM (34 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

This was funnier before it was pointed out.

Just so's you knows.
posted by mendel at 5:47 PM on July 12, 2007


I'm not snark-honing here, but... seriously?
posted by fair_game at 5:52 PM on July 12, 2007


how can i emulate this alchemical transmutation of general leaden fuckedupness into popularity gold?

Just tell them you're with me.
posted by quin at 5:55 PM on July 12, 2007


how can i emulate this alchemical transmutation of general leaden fuckedupness into popularity gold?

Dump MetaFilter, see a doctor, and call your lawyer.
posted by carsonb at 5:59 PM on July 12, 2007


This was funnier before it was pointed out.

but i like having jokes explained to me. it's only fair, really, since i always do this for others.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:59 PM on July 12, 2007


HOW does anonymous go by the name anonymous when his/her/its/their real name is Anonymous Ask MetaFilter?
posted by liquorice at 6:00 PM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]


The stars say, "You can't."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:00 PM on July 12, 2007


Waitaminute! How are you Anon's contact? No fair!
posted by liquorice at 6:01 PM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]


liquorice: With that many friends, he's on a first-name basis.
posted by mendel at 6:01 PM on July 12, 2007


Waitaminute! How are you Anon's contact? No fair!

ha! anonymous has a crush on me! i win the AskMe bizarre love triangle!

now, should i play it aloof with anonymous and not 'contact' back? anybody with a greater insight into anon's posting history can feel free to give me some hints on how to reel them in...
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:07 PM on July 12, 2007


This thread might not have been such a great idea.

I have discovered through careful research that the key to Metasuccess in the new +favorite era is one or more of the following:

1) Posting a lot of threads to the blue (or just good ones)
2) Asking touchy-feelies in the green
3) Making long, well-written, personal-experience comments anywhere that illuminate our universal humanity and shit like that
4) Making with the pithy funny, as early in the thread as possible
5) Making with the longer, more satirical funny, mid-thread
6) Ranting amusingly in a way that resonates with the commiepinko metageist
7) Going meta-Meta
8) Being me (*struts, preens*)

Follow my simple eight-point plan, and you will soon be showered with meta-fameandriches, eventually be nominated for mod status just like Dave Faris quonsar good ol' cortex, and be able to bask in the adulation and the manifold joys of incessant nitpicking.

Also, I think it helps to know Matt personally.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:12 PM on July 12, 2007 [16 favorites]


You could always stoop to appearing on Dr. Phil.
posted by Smart Dalek at 6:17 PM on July 12, 2007


Heh, two can play at that game.
posted by Aloysius Bear at 6:18 PM on July 12, 2007


1) Too hard.
2) Too much pride
3) See 1)
4) Workin' on it
5) See 3)
6) See 2)
7) WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?
8) See 4) (*Consults surveillance photos, styles hair accordingly, gets ready for a day of shopping at KoreaTown*)
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:24 PM on July 12, 2007


Nice job with the ol' #4/#7 combo, stav.
posted by Kwine at 6:24 PM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]


no way! a rival!!

guns at dawn!!!

* slaps Aloysius Bear across face with glove
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:26 PM on July 12, 2007


Oh, fuck, really it's #5/#7 and probably #8 also. Do you also get favorites for gratuitously fucking shit up?
posted by Kwine at 6:26 PM on July 12, 2007


* (hopes anonymous, as a romantic fan of 19th century literature, is not put off by this show of macho possessiveness)
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:27 PM on July 12, 2007


UbuRoivas, I'm pretty sure Anonymous has a few STDs. Just, you know, heads up.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:29 PM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]


oh, hang on, they're *married*?!? this makes me the other guy!

gotta go do some research...
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:30 PM on July 12, 2007


Oh, fuck, really it's #5/#7 and probably #8 also. Do you also get favorites for gratuitously fucking shit up?

No. Now fuck off, you alarmingly unpulchritudinous cheese-nibbling junk-licker.
posted by loquacious at 6:33 PM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]


Actually, it's spelled "anonymous", but it's pronounced "Throat warbler mangrove".
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 6:36 PM on July 12, 2007


dear askme,

i've long harboured a crush on somebody, who i shall call 'anonymous', in order to protect their identity. i've never met them, i only know them from their online activity.

it turns out now that even though they have a reciprocal crush on me, their spouse is not only their friend & sweetheart, but also their muse.

do i stand any chance, or should i back off?
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:36 PM on July 12, 2007


Ha! She's (he's? it's?) all mine now!
posted by Aloysius Bear at 6:37 PM on July 12, 2007


it turns out now that even though they have a reciprocal crush on me

Look again. I think you have your answer. Mwahahaha! A regular M de Valmont I am!
posted by Aloysius Bear at 6:39 PM on July 12, 2007


ohno! i've been dumped!

* cries, shakes fist (see, anon honey, both sensitive *and* manly!)

this isn't over, Aloyisius Bear! i'll woo them back through awesome advice, taking every possible opportunity to undermine you with snark. you just watch your back!
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:52 PM on July 12, 2007


I've said it before & I'll say it again. If you want favorites? Alcoholic cupcake recipes are totally the answer. Well that... and this.

(I'm sorry, Cortex. I've tried really hard to be good, but my rebellious streak overpowers me sometimes. Sigh.)
posted by miss lynnster at 6:55 PM on July 12, 2007


See, this is why self-love is the only love worth having.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:55 PM on July 12, 2007


Hey! You're talking about my fucking wife here!
posted by a non e mouse at 6:56 PM on July 12, 2007


(why is there no rival/nemesis flag for contacts?)
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:01 PM on July 12, 2007


Ahh, now you'd have to talk to the reticent grouse to get that pony sorted. (Look at specklet and p_g in the links-to bit).
posted by Aloysius Bear at 7:05 PM on July 12, 2007


I agree with UbuRoivas.
posted by strawberryviagra at 7:29 PM on July 12, 2007


Favorites: none
Favorited by others: 6038


The ratio... it burns
posted by dreamsign at 2:11 AM on July 13, 2007


its friday the 13th and mefihowls are out on the prowl tonight

ubu will you be my sweetheart if that will make you feel better? you can explain jokes to me and I shall correct your hindi having learnt mine from a readers digest in order to get a C on my O levels

stavros dude OMG WTF LOL that is SO kewl!


{giggles to self like a drooling idiot}
posted by infini at 9:39 AM on July 13, 2007


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