and then she.... November 1, 2007 9:05 PM   Subscribe

roomate filter

I just wanted to say that the "why is my roomate such a bitch" posts on Ask Mefi are so cute.
posted by longsleeves to MetaFilter-Related at 9:05 PM (80 comments total)

duly noted
posted by puke & cry at 9:11 PM on November 1, 2007


What's a roomate? Is that when you have to share space inside a kangaroo pouch?
posted by bluishorange at 9:12 PM on November 1, 2007 [11 favorites]


[This thread is closed due to construction]
posted by nola at 9:15 PM on November 1, 2007 [1 favorite]


I just wanted to say I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL AND CRAP HELLO KITTY.

Run!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:19 PM on November 1, 2007 [3 favorites]


This is the most stupid, useless, motherfucking, lame-ass MetaFilter post I've seen in a long while. Someone should cut off one of your toes as punishment.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 9:20 PM on November 1, 2007 [2 favorites]


All my roommates on MetaFilter are cranky all the time.
posted by PhatLobley at 9:23 PM on November 1, 2007


My roommate is total a slob.

She leaves her books lying around. It's not fun having to step over multi-volume accounts of the French Revolution on the way to the bathroom.

She doesn't replace the toothpaste cap.

She drinks out of the milk container!!!! Milk out of the container! How disgusting can you be?!

I can't stand living in this pigsty any more!

The only problem is that I live alone.
posted by winna at 9:30 PM on November 1, 2007 [4 favorites]


I LIVE for stuff like those posts. It not only satisfies my idle gossip desire, but it keeps me grounded and makes me want to clean the livingroom, bake my roommates cookies, and thanks my lucky stars that I found people that can put up with my mess but aren't huge slobs either.
posted by piratebowling at 9:34 PM on November 1, 2007


"why is my roomate such a bitch" posts on Ask Mefi are so cute.

You must never have lived with an asshole.
posted by tepidmonkey at 9:36 PM on November 1, 2007


There are no roommate questions. They're all just me using sockpuppets and anonymous questions to complain about my mefite wife in the most passive-aggressive way imaginable.
posted by stet at 9:46 PM on November 1, 2007 [6 favorites]


This is the most stupid, useless, motherfucking, lame-ass MetaFilter post I've seen in a long while.

True, but I love it! Cheers to you, longsleeves!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:46 PM on November 1, 2007 [1 favorite]


I love posts like this, because it reminds me that I don't have a roommate any more.

I have a wife

it's not nearly as bad
posted by davejay at 10:01 PM on November 1, 2007 [4 favorites]


Meanwhile, my roommate is the worst! She doesn't have a job- she just lays around all day sleeping. Anything I'm eating, she wants a taste, and she's never satisfied. She insists on sharing my bed with me, and sleeps right in the middle, stealing all the covers for herself. If I leave an item of clothing laying around, she'll sleep on it, or worse, eat it. Worst of all, she goes to the bathroom on the FLOOR and then expects me to clean it up.

And yet, I still love that evil dog!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:03 PM on November 1, 2007 [1 favorite]


I have been invited to subscribe to AskMe's roommate blog on Myspace. YES!!!!!!!!!!
posted by dhammond at 10:17 PM on November 1, 2007


tazerings all around, then.
posted by Avenger at 10:21 PM on November 1, 2007


I have to say that, on the whole, I prefer room nine.
posted by dersins at 10:24 PM on November 1, 2007


I just wanted to say that my bitch roommate is so cute.
posted by Reggie Digest at 10:29 PM on November 1, 2007 [1 favorite]


If cupboard is pronounced cubbard, why isn't clipboard pronounced clibbard???
posted by ORthey at 10:29 PM on November 1, 2007


Because you have hideous, slurred pronunciation.
posted by boo_radley at 10:32 PM on November 1, 2007 [1 favorite]


That works as an answer to so many questions...
posted by ook at 10:40 PM on November 1, 2007


Because Old Mother Hubbard didn't go to the clipboard.
posted by amyms at 10:43 PM on November 1, 2007 [6 favorites]


I am looking for a roommate to bitch about later. This is in or around San Francisco, CA. E-mail is in profile.
posted by parmanparman at 11:02 PM on November 1, 2007 [3 favorites]


I consider MetaFilter one big house and you're all my roommates. God damn jesus fuck, who drank my beer and made a three-hour phone call to Korea?!
posted by fandango_matt at 11:10 PM on November 1, 2007 [2 favorites]


Dear Longsleeves,

You left the carton of milk on the counter. Again.

I know you're aware that I like to enjoy my morning cereal with the milk at a frosty 2 degrees Celsius. I am not sure why you would leave the milk on the counter every day, despite knowing this.

Not only is it unsafe to drink milk that has sat out to begin breeding bacteria, I would also add that if I did not promptly put the milk back in the fridge every morning we would have to buy a new container every day! By the time you came home from the bar each night it would have spoiled completely.

I would also add that since I buy the milk, and you use it on the condition that you will occasionally replace the milk. I have noted in my quickbooks that you have not purchased milk or any other household dairy substitute (for example, soy, rice or almond milk would be acceptable to me) since January 13th, 2006. And because you have not purchased any milk or substitute, I feel it is doubly unfair that you would leave my milk out to spoil.

Let's have a sit-down talk to discuss the ways we can better share our dairy consumption habits as a household. I think the best time for me would be Tuesday evening between 6:45 and 7:15pm. Please let me know if you can make it, or if you cannot, when a more suitable time for you would be.

Sincerely,

Sasshat.

PS: Please clean your pubes from the sink, I can't imagine how they got there but it really grossed my friend Tammy out and now she won't come over any more which is upsetting because she was going to let me borrow her organic chemistry notes and now I will have to overcome the awkwardness of her assuming that those pubes - your pubes - were in fact mine. Which they weren't. Maybe you could write her a note explaining that they are yours.
posted by SassHat at 11:14 PM on November 1, 2007 [15 favorites]


Dear Ask Metafilter,

Is my roommate a prostitute? I never see her go to work, but every day several men come to visit her and stay for approximately half an hour each. The house shakes during these times and I often hear the words: "Fuck me harder!" She generally pays her rent in semen-encrusted cash. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Is there any other job or hobby that could explain this?
posted by Krrrlson at 11:39 PM on November 1, 2007 [9 favorites]


Sorry fandango_matt, stavrosthewonderchicken and I were jamming.
posted by Mitheral at 11:46 PM on November 1, 2007


man, longsleeves is trashed. haaaaa
posted by null terminated at 11:49 PM on November 1, 2007 [1 favorite]


She generally pays her rent in semen-encrusted cash. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Is there any other job or hobby that could explain this?

GOP Lobbyist?
posted by Avenger at 12:00 AM on November 2, 2007 [4 favorites]


Some people renting a house together needed a roommate after someone moved out, so I moved in, so it was me, two other guys and a girl with tremendous knockers - not big, mind you, just tremendous. She lived in the basement.

One of the guys had destroyed his leg below the knee in a skiing accident, and was famous on campus because it looked so gross. The surgeons had moved his calf muscles to his shin for some reason.

The other guy was a Star Trek fan. The lease was in his name, and he was a real prick about it. I remember coming home late one night. The door to the basement opened, and he emerged, fumbling with the belt of his housecoat. He looked at me furtively - he had been paying a visit to the girl with tremendous knockers. Until then, I hadn't known...

For some reason the Star Trek roommate went into my room when I was away and removed something, and made a big mess in the process. I came home in the middle of the night and discovered the mess, and yelled "CUNT!" at the top of my voice. Everyone must have heard, but I went to sleep anyway. The next morning I yelled at him and made him cry.

Heh.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:25 AM on November 2, 2007 [2 favorites]


What the fuck, it's not a tazering, it's a tazing.
posted by ludwig_van at 2:07 AM on November 2, 2007


This is the most stupid, useless, motherfucking, lame-ass MetaFilter post I've seen in a long while. Someone should cut off one of your toes as punishment.

Man, am I glad I'm not EB's room-mate.

Just think about all the toes that would be lying around, waiting to be picked up and throw away or cooked as a lite snack.
posted by Dagobert at 3:10 AM on November 2, 2007


There's some weird and unexpected rage in this thread. Is this some sort of Dia de los Muertos side-effect?
posted by spiderskull at 4:19 AM on November 2, 2007


As an owner of a crap flatmate, and a crap flatmate myself, I am glad I don't live with EB.. I've nearly had my toes amputated once already, and that was enough!
posted by jonathanstrange at 4:46 AM on November 2, 2007


What the fuck is this brain-meltingly stupid piece of rancid dogshit of a thread still goddamn doing here making me want to stab my eyes out with Hitler's petrified dick?

Seriously.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:03 AM on November 2, 2007 [2 favorites]


SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPI'MTRYINGYOSLEEPYOUMOTHERFUCKERS!!!!11!
posted by quonsar at 5:04 AM on November 2, 2007


"What the fuck is this brain-meltingly stupid piece of rancid dogshit of a thread still goddamn doing here making me want to stab my eyes out with Hitler's petrified dick?"

Enticing people with scenes like that is no way to get a thread closed.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 5:19 AM on November 2, 2007


My roommate drinks out of the OJ bottle. God I love that woman.
posted by Skorgu at 5:25 AM on November 2, 2007


RAAR I AM A VIKING
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:28 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


What gift should I get my roomate for Christmas?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:50 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


Viking Toes?

Pretty sure that's a snack somewhere....
posted by Dagobert at 6:13 AM on November 2, 2007


You know, when I first saw this post I thought, in EB's immortal words:

This is the most stupid, useless, motherfucking, lame-ass MetaFilter post I've seen in a long while. Someone should cut off one of your toes as punishment.

But now that I've read the thread and laughed harder than I have in days, I can only say:

This is the most stupid, useless, motherfucking, lame-ass MetaFilter post I've seen in a long while. Someone should cut off one of your toes as punishment—but give you an affectionate noogie afterwards, ya big galoot!
posted by languagehat at 6:27 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


Your roommate needs a brisk rogering. All of you.
posted by desuetude at 6:54 AM on November 2, 2007


I like my roommates.
posted by Stynxno at 7:11 AM on November 2, 2007


My roommate bit my dick off when I sleep last night I didn't wake up but I got a videotape how do I contact known pornographers please?
posted by breezeway at 7:17 AM on November 2, 2007


*pages klang*
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:37 AM on November 2, 2007


My roommate is an angry bonobo and he just threw up on my carpet; I found my dick sitting in the middle of his vomit and it looks like he didn't chew it that much, is it against my lease agreement to take my dick back? Do you think they can put it back on at the hospital? I need to pee.
posted by breezeway at 7:40 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


I have wonderful roommates, one is the best roommate anyone could ever have, and the other is my wife. I am very happy and have all my toes. (NOT TOEIST)
posted by arcticwoman at 8:04 AM on November 2, 2007


In addition to the dancing Santa warning we really need a warning that says: Just fucking break up with the douche; Move out this instant, never going to get better, assholes are assholes; Give them a bottle of scotch; Shit on her already; Everybody hates themselves, have a strong cup of coffee and get over it, self-esteem is overrated; Don't eat that; French onion soup; If some shit starts acting funny on your body go to the doctor; Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer.

So we can slow down all this churn and get back to the proper use of ask me which is figuring out how to hook up stereos and find car parts.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:24 AM on November 2, 2007 [3 favorites]


Don't eat that

Actually, you are supposed to eat it.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 8:40 AM on November 2, 2007


Do eat that, don't eat that. I'm always happy to be edited.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:44 AM on November 2, 2007


Also, name it Frank.
posted by brain_drain at 9:10 AM on November 2, 2007


Don't eat that frank. It fell on the floor and rolled under that ass over there. Sharkey got it and put it in a bun, he's over there laughing behind his hand.
posted by breezeway at 9:43 AM on November 2, 2007


My roommate is a freak; she leaves hair everywhere, she stares out the window at the birds like they were food, she goes completely ape-shit for laser-pointers, and she screams when I close my bedroom door.

Also: she shits in a box which I have to clean out every couple of days.
posted by quin at 9:47 AM on November 2, 2007


My roommate is a freak; she leaves hair everywhere, she stares out the window at the birds like they were food, she goes completely ape-shit for laser-pointers, and she screams when I close my bedroom door.

This joke was better when it was about a dog.
posted by Chuckles at 9:52 AM on November 2, 2007


what the fuck, it's not a tazering, nor a tazing, but a tasing.
posted by exlotuseater at 9:53 AM on November 2, 2007


The worst part about an asshole roommate is that you can't even upper deck the mother fucker, which is how I usually resolve most of my other interpersonal dispute type scenarios.
posted by The Straightener at 9:57 AM on November 2, 2007


There's only one suitable answer for roommate askmes:

Let it fester.

I've found that this answer actually works very well across a broad spectrum of askme questions. YMMV.
posted by ulotrichous at 10:11 AM on November 2, 2007


My roommates and I are in a band. The band is called Hitler's Petrified Dick.
posted by veronica sawyer at 10:11 AM on November 2, 2007


Godwin?
posted by timeistight at 10:35 AM on November 2, 2007


You know who else had his dick petrified?

Wait... shit.
posted by Krrrlson at 10:39 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'm hoping that one guy will drop by this thread to let us know if he ever did poop on his girlfriend.
posted by ORthey at 10:49 AM on November 2, 2007


There's nothing wrong with your roommate that I can't fix with a cinderblock, a chain and a lake.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:01 AM on November 2, 2007


exlotuseater : ...but a tasing.

You are correct, most people don't seem to know that it's an acronym. Taser stands for Tom A. Swift's Electric Rifle.

Though the shortened "Don't tas me, bro" just doesn't look right, so I think 'taze' is probably more accurate to the way it's pronounced.
posted by quin at 11:09 AM on November 2, 2007


This joke was better when it was about a dog.

Damn right. I didn't even see TPS's comment when I wrote mine, and it makes perfect sense that hers would be better; she is a rock-star.
posted by quin at 11:12 AM on November 2, 2007


Paging The Mad Feces King...
posted by LordSludge at 11:21 AM on November 2, 2007


I hate the way my roommates scuttle out of sight whenever I switch the lights on. Guys! I only want to hang out!
posted by nowonmai at 11:25 AM on November 2, 2007


My attempt at anti-cat snark didn't work too well, I guess..
posted by Chuckles at 11:57 AM on November 2, 2007


the shortened "Don't tas me, bro" just doesn't look right

"Don't TAS me bro," he exhorted swiftly.
posted by dersins at 12:02 PM on November 2, 2007


I didn't even see TPS's comment when I wrote mine, and it makes perfect sense that hers would be better; she is a rock-star.

If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea who she is.
posted by timeistight at 1:05 PM on November 2, 2007 [2 favorites]


Hehehehehe.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:33 PM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


Every time I see the phrase "a brisk rogering" it makes me laugh. It's magic.
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:35 PM on November 2, 2007


breezeway: "My roommate is an angry bonobo and he just threw up on my carpet; I found my dick sitting in the middle of his vomit and it looks like he didn't chew it that much, is it against my lease agreement to take my dick back? Do you think they can put it back on at the hospital? I need to pee."
You have something against peeing sitting down?
posted by dg at 2:16 PM on November 2, 2007


*rogers LobsterMitten briskly magically*
posted by quin at 2:50 PM on November 2, 2007


Is this something you'd need to have a place to live to know about?
posted by solotoro at 3:18 PM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


You have something against peeing sitting down?

Not generally, but he swiped my urethra too. I'm just gonna play some loud music to piss him off. I know he hates Edie Brickell.
posted by breezeway at 4:30 PM on November 2, 2007


He's not a fan of too many things, though.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:39 PM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


My roommate comes home often looking like he's been in serious fist fights. He runs a business in our place and doesn't clean up ( caustic soda and some lard-like substance in the bathtub, ewww). Not to mention the decrepit state the place is: when it rains we need to shut off the power, we don't have tv(!), and the place may have even be condemned . He rails against consumerism All. The. Time. He has a lady over often and forbade me to to talk to her about him which just shows he has some control issues. When she is over they perform unspeakable acts in the bedroom.

I am my roommates' complete lack of respect for other people's personal space.
posted by Green With You at 11:12 PM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]


You're an insane person.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:28 AM on November 3, 2007


NO U
posted by exlotuseater at 12:10 PM on November 3, 2007


[NOT A TYLERIST]
posted by Dagobert at 2:38 AM on November 6, 2007


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