Sorry, indeed, but what strange, elaborate spam. February 1, 2008 3:16 PM   Subscribe

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..oh sorry.
postedby hobbesat 3:57-PM-on-February-1-[1 favorite -] [!]
posted by koeselitz to Etiquette/Policy at 3:16 PM (52 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

It appears to be a joke.
posted by interrobang at 3:18 PM on February 1, 2008


Weird thing is, looking at the history, hobbes doesn't seem like a comment spammer, and using a funky tag is a silly way to do it. Also, well, weird.

Somebody else probably understands this more than I do.
posted by koeselitz at 3:19 PM on February 1, 2008


It looks like a bad V1AGR4 email joke inserted as a jokey "answer" to a diminishing sexual drive question. I removed it. Sure funny ha-ha, but not at all an answer to the question.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 3:19 PM on February 1, 2008


That's wonderful.

Was that a composite of different spams you received or just write it off the top of your head?
posted by demiurge at 3:19 PM on February 1, 2008


Ah. Yes. Joke.
posted by koeselitz at 3:20 PM on February 1, 2008


Joke, you say?

Three turtles go on a picnic. They pack up some sandwiches, snacks, salads and sodas and head out to the chosen site, which is ten miles away from where the turtles live. Because they are turtles, and because they are carrying things, it takes them ten full days to get there.

When they finally arrive, they hungrily unpack the picnic basket. But something is wrong!

"Where's the bottle opener?" said the oldest turtle. "I told you to bring it!"

"I thought YOU had it," said the youngest turtle, to the middle turtle.

"Oh yeah. I completely forgot. Well, I'm sorry. I guess we won't have soda. I'll buy you guys a beer when we get back home."

"Not acceptable," cried the alpha turtle "you're going to march your forgetting ass back home and get the bottle opener."

"But that'll take FOREVER!"

"We'll wait."

"Seriously? Okay, well, you have to swear to me that you won't touch any of the food until I get back. Not a bite. Do you swear it?"

"We solemnly swear it," pledged the other two turtles in unison.

So the forgetful turtle heads off to go get the sodas.

Fifteen days later, he still hasn't returned. The two turtles are very hungry, and figured he should be back by now, but a promise is a promise, so they resolved to wait awhile longer.

Five days later, no sign of him. The two waiting turtles are absolutely ravenous, but again, a promise is a promise, and it just wouldn't do to eat any of the food while their forgetful companion was on a such a demanding and punitive errand.

Three days later, the youngest turtle just can't take it anymore. "I know that a promise is a promise, but I AM STARVING. What's more, the food's going to go bad. You know what, I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING!."

With that, he plods directly over to the picnic basket, opens it, removes a sandwich and takes a huge bite.

From behind a rock, the forgetful turtle pops up and shouts "That's it. Just for that, I'm not fucking going."
posted by kosem at 3:33 PM on February 1, 2008 [73 favorites]


So the forgetful turtle heads off to go get the sodas bottle opener.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:38 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


Forgetful turtle does not trouble himself with your blasted "continuity", sir.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:30 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


Turtles are funny on their own, even without the joke!
posted by aubilenon at 4:41 PM on February 1, 2008


As long as we're being pedantic:

Fifteen days later, he still hasn't returned. The two turtles are very hungry, and figured he should be back by now, but a promise is a promise, so they resolved to wait awhile longer.
posted by googly at 4:52 PM on February 1, 2008


Tortoises.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:05 PM on February 1, 2008


Turtles all the way down.
posted by oncogenesis at 5:14 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


Forgetful turtle is watching you masturb.... oh fuck it.
posted by cashman at 5:45 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


If you stick one in front of a sun lamp, you can create a turtle eclipse.
posted by Abiezer at 6:00 PM on February 1, 2008


If you stick one between a sun lamp and its own male child, you can create a turtle eclipse of the son.

nice try, kid, but you gotta work on the finish.
posted by eriko at 6:05 PM on February 1, 2008 [8 favorites]


Oh, for Chrissake.

to wait a while longer.
posted by box at 6:08 PM on February 1, 2008


Oh, crap, that's wrong.
posted by box at 6:10 PM on February 1, 2008


No, you need to put it between a sun lamp and the female Led Zeppelin, then you'd have a turtle eclipse of the Heart.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:13 PM on February 1, 2008 [20 favorites]


ludwig_van, I believe that you have just won one (1) internet.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:19 PM on February 1, 2008


How about the forgetful turtle goes and brings back the sodas but they can't drink them because they still don't have an opener, except this time they blame it on kosem because he changed the joke halfway through, so they send kosem back for the opener plus a grammatically and thematically consistent joke, which he does, and they all sit around laughing and drinking soda?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:24 PM on February 1, 2008


You bastard, ludwig_van. I was trying to work Bonnie Tyler in there and just couldn't do it.
posted by Abiezer at 6:29 PM on February 1, 2008


How is the joke discontinuous, or illogical? The forgetful turtle turtle is hiding behind the rock for 23 days
posted by delmoi at 6:40 PM on February 1, 2008


How is the joke discontinuous, or illogical? The forgetful turtle turtle is hiding behind the rock for 23 days

Clearly you have not studied the metaphysics of Tlön.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:45 PM on February 1, 2008 [2 favorites]


When the 1988 presidential election rolled around, I was 19 years old, making it the first presidential election that I was eligible to vote in. I was a registered Democrat, and I was quite excited - so excited, that I even followed the race for the Democratic primary. After 8 long years of Reagan, it seemed time for another, different kind of "morning in America."

Through much of 1987, Colorado senator Gary Hart was the clear frontrunner. He was charismatic, and had run a respectable campaign during the 1984 presidential election. Among the crowded field of challengers in the Democratic primaries was Massachusetts governor, Michael Dukakis, who became the eventual Democratic nominee.

Hart's campaign was famously "sunk" by pictures of him cavorting with 29 year-old model Donna Rice on the yacht Monkey Business - a stupendously idiotic move by a politician dogged by rumors of extramarital affairs. The following year, Dukakis' campaign was sunk, in part, by equally famous news coverage of the candidate popping out of an M1 tank, sporting a ludicrous, oversize helmet, and looking alarmingly like a tortoise.

Needless to say, that experience in American political campaigning left me rather crestfallen.

That's right: my very first choice for Democratic nominee featured turtley clips or dumb Hart.
posted by googly at 6:47 PM on February 1, 2008 [7 favorites]


I like turtles.
posted by mattbucher at 7:08 PM on February 1, 2008


Aren't they twist offs?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:33 PM on February 1, 2008


Fifteen days later, he still hasn't returned. The two turtles are very hungry, and figured he should be back by now,

But it took them ten days to get there in the first place. These are very illogical turtles.
posted by tkolar at 7:33 PM on February 1, 2008


Also,

When Tortoises Attack!
posted by tkolar at 7:35 PM on February 1, 2008


Also,

When Tortoises Attack!


See also.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:41 PM on February 1, 2008


turtle eclipse of the Heart.

Trumped! Well done!
posted by eriko at 8:02 PM on February 1, 2008



Hart's campaign was famously "sunk" by pictures of him cavorting with 29 year-old model Donna Rice on the yacht Monkey Business - a stupendously idiotic move by a politician dogged by rumors of extramarital affairs. The following year, Dukakis' campaign was sunk, in part, by equally famous news coverage of the candidate popping out of an M1 tank, sporting a ludicrous, oversize helmet, and looking alarmingly like a tortoise.

This image is credited with ruining Robert Stanfield's chance of becoming the Canadian Prime Minister in '68 (he was the leader of the PC party).
And, yes, that is a turtle.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:33 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


That's a dead pig.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:52 PM on February 1, 2008


I this one go to be iconic for Danish PM Poul Nyrup, when he took a bike trip protesting the French nuclear test blasts.
posted by AwkwardPause at 9:00 PM on February 1, 2008


And then you'll ride up in a seaboo! YEAH! And a wetsuit! Then climb out of the wetsuit with an immaculate suit on! YEAH! Like Bond!

They forgot that that Bond scene also involved Sean Connery with a fake (or dead-and-stuffed) pigeon strapped to his head as a decoy.

Stockwell Day didn't actually try to wear a suit under it. Thankfully.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 9:01 PM on February 1, 2008


So I have two little cousins, one about five and the other about three. The five-year-old discovers a turtle in my grandmother's backyard. He brings it in the house, shows it to my grandmother.

"You know what," she says, "let's put your initials on the turtle's shell with some of my nail polish, let it go, and see if it comes back next year." They do precisely this.

The next year, the older brother comes in from the backyard with the littler one in tow, and he has the most astonished look ever on his face. He's holding something in his hands.

"What do you have there?" my grandmother asks. He offers it up, and indeed, there is the VERY SAME TURTLE with his initials RIGHT THERE IN DUSTY ROSE NAIL POLISH for all to see.

She is delighted by this. "Oh my goodness, he really did come back!" she exclaims, overjoyed.

The littlest one studies all this action carefully. After a few minutes' contemplation, he returns to the backyard.

A bit later, the previous events forgotten, he returns to the house with a small box full of dirt and walks up to my grandmother, offering it in both hands, a similar look of JESUS GOD I HAVE SEEN THE LORD SAY HALLELUJAH plastered all over his sweet little face.

"Uh, what have you got there?" my grandmother asks.

"BUGS AND WORMS AND STUFF!" he retorts.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:04 PM on February 1, 2008 [4 favorites]


I made some pretty bad errors there. Errors that former students would love to get their hands on. I suppose (I hope, at least) that's what happens when we transcribe jokes the way that we tell them. On our way out the door. Without editing them. The bad grammar I can blame on the spoken word, but the bottle opener/soda swap was just outright sloppy.
posted by kosem at 9:51 PM on February 1, 2008


I swear, if I have to hear about Hobbes' leviathan one more time...
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:10 PM on February 1, 2008


Turtles on fire off the shoulder of Orion...
posted by Artw at 10:39 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


Forgetful turtle is watching you masturb.... oh fuck it.

Exactly. If you can fuck it, there's no need to masturbate!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:09 AM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


I think it's very cruel, posting all of these turtle references in response to a Meta about an AskMe about erectile dysfunction.

My own turtle's head has also disappeared in solidarity.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:33 AM on February 2, 2008


It's a reptile dysfunction.
posted by wendell at 12:37 AM on February 2, 2008 [6 favorites]


Knock knock.
posted by Jimbob at 4:39 AM on February 2, 2008


There is a Sikh, sitting by a river bank, enjoying the view. A man comes along and asks the Sikh "Oh, hey there, are you relaxing?"

"No," answers the Sikh, "I am Partab Singh."
posted by Meatbomb at 5:13 AM on February 2, 2008 [3 favorites]


Oh are we doing sardarji jokes now, Meatbomb? So this sardarji walks into a sweets shop and can't make up his mind what to order. He says to the shopkeeper, "Give me 50 grams of barfi. And 50 grams of jelabis. And 50 grams of the ladhus, and 50 of the rasgullahs, and..." And he continues on until a small mountain of delicious sweets are before him. "Is that all?" says the weary shopkeeper.


"Yes, now mash that all up and give me 50 grams of that!"
posted by BinGregory at 5:41 AM on February 2, 2008


Are we going to let "Heart=the female Led Zeppelin" stand?

I don't even like Zep, but this is still some sort of blasphemy.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:15 AM on February 2, 2008


Bottle opener
posted by Kiwi at 10:07 AM on February 2, 2008


Sheesh, Kiwi. You totally ruined the joke.
posted by Floydd at 10:44 AM on February 2, 2008


WTF is soy brew? that shit would so totally not fly in kalamazoo.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:59 AM on February 2, 2008


C'mon, you guys are derailing this callout.
This is where we share spam, right? I got this gem in my mailbox last week:

Your wife lived you alone because of she had sex with your friend.
His machine is bigger than yours and this is the main reason of leave.
Dont worry guy. At present you have marvelous chance to Increase your
male organ size.
A lot of men around the world have lengthen. Today it is your turn.

posted by stagewhisper at 10:19 AM on February 3, 2008


Somebody's gotta be the female Led Zeppelin, right?
posted by box at 8:05 AM on February 4, 2008


Somebody's gotta be the female Led Zeppelin, right?
posted by lord_wolf at 12:01 PM on February 4, 2008


Somebody's gotta be the female Led Zeppelin, right?

Pretty sure Robert Plant has that covered.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:46 PM on February 4, 2008


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