but i *deserve* it…!! April 11, 2008 3:22 PM   Subscribe

this askme post really chafed me in it's whiny sense of entitlement conveyed by it's asker.

i'm not saying that the OP's parents don't suck for doing what they did. but it was their inheritance, their house, their money. they raised the OP, who seems to have done pretty well and made it this far, with a college education and the prospects that will bring. do they intrinsically owe him more? i don't think so. i mean, yeah, they're not going to win any generous-parents-of-the-year awards but it seems as though the OP has gotten a lot more and a lot farther than a lot of ppl do, and yet s/he is here whining that s/he deserves more and if s/he doesn't get it, well, s/he'll show them: s/he'll see them in court! and for what? making financial and standard of living sacrifices while in college? millions of people do that all the time, and most without the prospect of being given a free house at the end of it. boo-hoo. (and btw, in regard to the OP's defense that I made significant sacrifices in regards to how I spent my money (savings, furniture) along with several study abroad opportunities, classes I'd rather have taken, etc. all made on reliance to this promise.? these are not even close to being "significant" sacrifices—except to those used to having things given to them.) the OP is an adult and s/he made his/her choices. his parents are most likely near or at retirement age. after supporting their kid for 20 years or so, why shouldn't they enjoy what is theirs without their adult kid suing them because they reneged on a promise?

my original answer was to recount how, when my parents got divorced, my dad made off with a pile of money that my parents had spent years putting aside for me and my brother. that money would have helped offset my ivy league and art school student loans and would have provided me a great safety cushion. but i'd rather not deal with someone like my father who had no compunctions about doing what he did (and doing all the crappy things he did to us while i was growing up), so i let it go. and yes, i'm in debt, but everything that i have is because i worked for it.

what got my post removed from askme was that i also did pass a personal judgment because to me, the OP's post smacks of an unattractive sense of entitlement that seems to be more and more prevalent these days. we are confronted almost daily (particularly with the rise of reality tv and the direction the internet has taken in providing people with a forum) by people who absolutely feel they deserve something regardless of whether or not (and usually not) they earned it, or are qualified for it. it's part and parcel also with our celebrity-whore culture in which people want to be famous for…being famous (no particular talent required). the justification seems to be merely that i deserve this because i really want it.

i also told the OP that sure, he can go ahead and sue his parents if that's the person he wants to be, but i suggested he move on. and to own his choices in life. because s/he made the choices s/he did—no one else made them for him/her, no one was holding a gun to his/her head insisting he make those sacrifices.

my answer to the askme post was—understandably and fairly—removed because for not answering directly the legal question out by the OP. but i also began my answer by being the asshole and asking, "really? really?" because everyone else pretty much was telling the poster to go ahead get a lawyer and see if s/he could sue his parents. and while that technically answered the question, i also think there is a responsibility as a community (of humans who must share this world) to point out to the poster, hey, you know what? grow up. move on. you're an adult now, make your own way. you don't deserve a house that belonged to your parents just because you chose to save your money instead of buying nice furniture for your dorm room or because you decided not to take that semester abroad anymore than i deserved a pile of my parents' money because i put up with my dad's abuse for 21 years of my life.
posted by violetk to MetaFilter-Related at 3:22 PM (77 comments total)

I'm sorry it made you mad, but you admit your response should have been deleted. What do you hope to achieve by posting your deleted response to Metatalk?
posted by headspace at 3:27 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


Okay, someone's overreacting and it's not anonymous.
posted by liquorice at 3:29 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


This MeTa post really chafed me in its whiny sense of complainy entitlement conveyed by its asker.
posted by dersins at 3:30 PM on April 11, 2008 [12 favorites]


Both that post and this post are too goddamned long. The answer is: Get a lawyer. Both of you.
posted by Eideteker at 3:30 PM on April 11, 2008 [4 favorites]


the justification seems to be merely that i deserve this because i really want it.

No, the justification is "They made a promise, so now they need to keep it." And that's pretty good justification.
posted by Ms. Saint at 3:30 PM on April 11, 2008 [13 favorites]


Note lack of excess apostophes.
posted by dersins at 3:30 PM on April 11, 2008


Are you kidding, violetk? This is the best entertainment AskMe has to offer. Schadenfreude's got nothing on the feeling I get when I read AskMe posts like that one. I hope he does sue, just because it amuses me to contemplate the sheer amount of human misery bound to ensue.

This MeTa post, yeah, not so much.

i also began my answer by being the asshole

Strong work! I can see why you're peeved; answers like yours ratchet up the entertainment factor that much more. Too bad it was removed! Bravo for bringing it here!

Brought to you by the Department of Hate for All Humanity.
posted by ikkyu2 at 3:32 PM on April 11, 2008 [8 favorites]


I ikinda read the question as someone who was hurt and devastated that their parents would do such a thing to them. I don't necessarily feel they came off whiny and entitled, unless violetk could also be considered whiny for expressing how she felt about being abused for 21 years.

Granted the best solution is probably to forgive them, go on, and understand that any future trust would have to be earned in spades. But it takes time to work up to that.
posted by konolia at 3:32 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry it made you mad, but you admit your response should have been deleted. What do you hope to achieve by posting your deleted response to Metatalk?

i'm not mad…but i'm entitled to rant about it.

Get a lawyer. Both of you.
i would if i had gotten that money from my parents that i totally deserved…
posted by violetk at 3:32 PM on April 11, 2008


It looked like a verbal contract that the parents reneged on, which would get me pretty annoyed if I had filled the requirements of the fulfillment of that contract. Unlike just an expectation of a lump sum of money for existing, the poster had to do certain things that were not things he had wanted to do, and sound pretty tricky. Graduation in less than 4 years and 30-hour-a-week job? No way I'd want to do that.

I'm also continually saddened by the fact that, no matter if your parents plan to help pay for your education or not, their income is factored into your ability to pay for college. But that's a different issue.
posted by that girl at 3:35 PM on April 11, 2008 [4 favorites]


How is your position different from someone who answers a "what kind of gun should I buy [for my completely legal purpose]" question with an anti-gun screed?

Sometimes people will want to do things with which you disagree. That doesn't excuse your bad behavior, no matter how strongly you disagree.
posted by OmieWise at 3:36 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


If I passed on a bunch of great opportunities in college because I was relying on a promise made by the people who are supposed to love me the most, and the promise was broken for what appears to be no good reason, I'd be kinda miffed too. I'm not sure what it is you're seeing in that post, but it looks to me like maybe there's a personal issue involved that has nothing to do with the asker.
posted by amro at 3:36 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


violetk, I sense this MeTa is really more about you than it's about that AskMeta question. And I'm certain that if it wasn't, it will be soon. Congratulations.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:37 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


holy shit.
posted by Dave Faris at 3:39 PM on April 11, 2008


violetk, I sense this MeTa is really more about you than it's about that AskMeta question. And I'm certain that if it wasn't, it will be soon. Congratulations.

you can think so if you like, but it's really more about my general annoyance with the pervasive sense of entitlement that people have, than it is specifically about this particular poster. his/her post was just a jumping off point for me.
posted by violetk at 3:40 PM on April 11, 2008


And what do you propose we do about it here?
posted by Dave Faris at 3:41 PM on April 11, 2008


Wait, what? It wasn't about either this particular poster or this particular post?

In that case, why are we here?
posted by box at 3:41 PM on April 11, 2008


You feel like you've taken the high road by not suing your dad for breaking his promise to you and that somehow gives you the right to call out people as "whiny" and "entitled" because they do consider suing? How is this not about you?
posted by liquorice at 3:42 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


it's really more about my general annoyance with the pervasive sense of entitlement that people have, than it is specifically about this particular poster.

GYOFB?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:42 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


Wow. You know whiny entitled people (not saying anything about the AskMe OP, just an observation) have real problems too. You're totally within your rights to give them no help whatsoever. Leaving this line in AskMe "i MetaTalked the whiny, sense of entitlement aspect of this post." (which I also removed) is really uncool. I'm sorry it made you angry and that the anonymity leaves you with no one to be pissed off at, but really whatever you do or don't think about the OP personally, if you can't give them answers in a non-judgmental fashion, your options are MetaTalk or whatever your favorite stress relief activity is.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:42 PM on April 11, 2008 [4 favorites]


this is a legal question not "what is your personal opinion about my life choices" question - take it to MeTa if you have to tell the poster off.

I suppose I understand the MeTa-as-release-valve theory, and I'm quite able to scroll past this post, but, really, if "you have to tell the poster off", you should smoke a cigarette, seek therapy, or enjoy a good wank.
posted by Kwantsar at 3:42 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


general annoyance with the pervasive sense of entitlement that people have ... his/her post was just a jumping off point for me.

That's pretty much the definition of "more about you than about the post".
posted by CKmtl at 3:43 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


Violet, from the facts on the face of it, you did deserve it. So did anonymous. Whether it could be enforced is another matter; whether it's worth suing for is yet another. He's entitled to make his own decisions. He's not less strong or noble for making a different one than you have.

I'm really sorry that happened to you.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:45 PM on April 11, 2008


i also think there is a responsibility as a community (of humans who must share this world) to point out to the poster, hey, you know what? grow up. move on. you're an adult now,

Wowsers, that is terribly pompous!

(Kinda defeats some of your more reasonable points in one fell swoop!)
posted by Jody Tresidder at 3:45 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


I considered two options:

a) Read through violetk's comments and posts, and find definite proof that she is a narcissistic ****, or something like that, and post it here, for the entertainment of all.

b) Try to derail this away from her and the general lameness of this post and maybe turn this thread into something entertaining.

Option a turned out to be too fucking boring. It broke my cliche-per-sentenceometer.

Option b is destined to fail due to my lack of inspiration and derailing skills.

What should I do know? Please advice.

Thank you.
posted by Dr. Curare at 3:47 PM on April 11, 2008


I will cut off my left hand
I promise
posted by Dr. Curare at 3:49 PM on April 11, 2008


What you should do now is never consider doing option A again.
posted by Dave Faris at 3:50 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


it's really more about my general annoyance

The correct response then, in this case and in every similar case, is to shake your head, exclaim, "well, I never!" and move on to the next question.
posted by SPrintF at 3:51 PM on April 11, 2008 [18 favorites]


Leaving this line in AskMe "i MetaTalked the whiny, sense of entitlement aspect of this post."

sorry for that then. i didn't realize that it was.

this is all circular then, isn't it? everyone here who feels the need to psychoanalyze me about…? needing attention? needing praise for my own decision not to bother with my father? i didn't bring that anecdote up as either a bid for sympathy or to make myself feel superior. i brought it up because it was a similar situation to the OP's and in order to point out that, i do have a sense of his/her disappointment—and that i'm not just pulling my judgment out of my ass with no idea where s/he is coming from. also, not that some of the answer's to the OP's post say pretty much the same thing as i had: this isn't healthy or productive and move on.
posted by violetk at 3:53 PM on April 11, 2008


you can think so if you like, but it's really more about my general annoyance with the pervasive sense of entitlement that people have, than it is specifically about this particular poster. his/her post was just a jumping off point for me.

It's pretty hard not to come to that conclusion given the amount of personal detail you included in your post, detail that you suggest should make you feel entitled but which failing you overcame in your own life.

The great irony of this post, of course, is that you clearly feel entitled by your false sense of having overcome your sense of entitlement to take out your frustrations on an anonymous poster. Your last name isn't Escher, is it?
posted by OmieWise at 3:54 PM on April 11, 2008 [5 favorites]


What I don't get is that only legal answers are allowed, but the anonymous question is posted as a relationship problem. Weird. If it's a relationship question, why aren't relationship-focused answers allowed?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:57 PM on April 11, 2008


a) Read through violetk's comments and posts, and find definite proof that she is a narcissistic ****, or something like that, and post it here, for the entertainment of all.

sure, why not?…i think anyone who's familiar with my comments and posts would most definitely not describe me as a narcissistic ****.
posted by violetk at 3:58 PM on April 11, 2008


What's a ****?
posted by dersins at 3:59 PM on April 11, 2008 [5 favorites]


Sorry you don't like rich people, violentk. If you replace parent with business partner, house with office space and college with work is the question still so offensive?
posted by slogger at 4:00 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


It's pretty hard not to come to that conclusion given the amount of personal detail you included in your post, detail that you suggest should make you feel entitled but which failing you overcame in your own life.

fair point. i might not have framed it right in my rush to get my thoughts out. the personal detail is just a way for me to relate that i relate to the situation.

What I don't get is that only legal answers are allowed, but the anonymous question is posted as a relationship problem. Weird. If it's a relationship question, why aren't relationship-focused answers allowed?

i totally agree.
posted by violetk at 4:01 PM on April 11, 2008


$20, dersins, same as in town.
posted by slogger at 4:02 PM on April 11, 2008 [5 favorites]


Sorry you don't like rich people, violentk. If you replace parent with business partner, house with office space and college with work is the question still so offensive?

seriously? are you making this comparison? because since when do we get a choice of who are our parents—oh, ahem, business partners?
posted by violetk at 4:03 PM on April 11, 2008


Sorry you don't like rich people, violentk.

also, what?
posted by violetk at 4:04 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


A good friend of mine's mother promised him that she would quit smoking if he lost 50lbs. He lost 50lbs. She didn't quit smoking. Stupid promises.
posted by collocation at 4:04 PM on April 11, 2008


What's a ****?

Four nudists looking for nickels...
posted by Rumple at 4:04 PM on April 11, 2008 [42 favorites]


I think that the question was less about a sense of entitlement and more about actual entitlement.

I think that this MeTa post speaks much more to a sense of entitlement; that is, violetk's.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 4:05 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


I think that this MeTa post speaks much more to a sense of entitlement; that is, violetk's.

:D yeah, as i said above…my sense of entitlement to post here about it!
posted by violetk at 4:06 PM on April 11, 2008


Given that the anonymous asker noted that she/he had made a bunch of important life decisions that were financially and personally penalizing in anticipation the parents would keep their word, I don't see this as a straightforward sense of over-entitlement. The OP upheld their side of a bargain and they are perfectly reasonably entitled to feel the way they do. Indeed, suing might also be reasonable especially since it sounds like their relationship to their parents is irrevocably damaged anyway.
posted by Rumple at 4:08 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


As long as this post isn't really about anything, could you start writing with capital letters, violetk?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:10 PM on April 11, 2008 [5 favorites]


but i also began my answer by being the asshole...

A first (self evident) clue to your comment being deleted in the original AskMe.
posted by ericb at 4:12 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


I just want you to hurt like I do
Honest I do; honest I do; honest I do
posted by folgers crystals at 4:12 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


A first (self evident) clue to your comment being deleted in the original AskMe.

please, mine is hardly the first answer that began with "i'm going to be the asshole here…" when it contains sentiments that differed from the general consensus of answers that came before.
posted by violetk at 4:14 PM on April 11, 2008


I just want you to hurt like I do
Honest I do; honest I do; honest I do


oh jesus. so if anyone on meta relates a personal story about their past, it necessarily means they still haven't managed to deal with it and are not over it?
posted by violetk at 4:17 PM on April 11, 2008


violetk, my advice is to simply let this go, honestly, as there is no good way to carry this discussion against the body of snark here. You will lose more than you gain.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:18 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


CAPITAL LETTERS. SEE? THEY LOOK LIKE THIS!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:19 PM on April 11, 2008 [18 favorites]


everyone here who feels the need to psychoanalyze me about…? needing attention?

Saying that your gripe is more about you than about the question isn't accusing you of being an attention whore.

It's saying that you have a problem with the question, not because the question breaks the guidelines, but because you perceived it as whiny entitlement and you yourself say you have a problem with whiny entitlement.

It's not a "look at me!" thing. It's a "this is my pet peeve! Rarr! Peevishness!" thing.
posted by CKmtl at 4:19 PM on April 11, 2008


i brought it up because it was a similar situation to the OP's and in order to point out that, i do have a sense of his/her disappointment—and that i'm not just pulling my judgment out of my ass with no idea where s/he is coming from.

I understand where you're coming from, here, and it's unfortunate how often people make this kind of rationalizations. I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything like that, and your feelings on this are completely understandable. but here's my point:

we often rush to justify our judgements in this way. we often say "well, I've been in your position, so I can tell you to quit your bitching" or whatever. (note, you may have said things rather more politely, obviously. i don't know.) but the thing that should stop us isn't whether or not we've been there. It's whether or not our judgements really need to be brought up. If we have valuable advice for a person, whether or not that advice comes from a position of having been there doesn't matter. It's valuable advice, share it. If we have judgemental condemnations to share with them, it doesn't matter if those judgements come from a position of having been there. It's a judgemental condemnation. Keep it to yourself.

Now, you've said your comment was fairly removed, so I'm assuming you understand this at least in part. But it's important to shift one's priorities and perspective, I think. To ask yourself "can I justify my anger" isn't as important as it is to ask "can't I just let this go?"

There's always room for circumstances you don't quite understand or haven't quite been explicitly told to make almost any judgement premature. If you think this question should be deleted (and I'm not quite sure what you want. Like others have said, this post strikes me as a mite directionless.) then you'll have to start providing some reason for it besides your frustration at what you perceive as the poster's sense of entitlement. if that's not what you want, you're really going to have to start telling us whatever it is you do want. Either way, this is a circumstance that seems to me to merit a little more sympathy for the asker than you seem to be giving him, if for no other reason than as an exercise in sympathy.

and yes, I say this as someone who has totally unfairly jumped on people myself. I am aware of the irony. I still think it's good advice and I share it in that spirit.
posted by shmegegge at 4:19 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


To Summarize: Anon was defrauded by a pair of grifters and Violetk doesn't think anon has a case because the grifters were also anon's parents.

Violetk has issues with parents and fathers in particular not delivering things they promised, but doesn't thing you should be able to make them pay up because she went into debt and didn't recoup her losses, so why should you?

Everybody else, snarks a lot
posted by Megafly at 4:20 PM on April 11, 2008 [14 favorites]


Like many answers proffered in the gray, the solution to your troubles, violetk, is Vaseline applied liberally to the affected areas. It's just a website, but Vaseline will help.
posted by carsonb at 4:20 PM on April 11, 2008


CAPITAL LETTERS. SEE? THEY LOOK LIKE THIS!

whoa. yeah, you're not working out personal issues here in trying to dictate to me how i should type?
posted by violetk at 4:21 PM on April 11, 2008


What's even more irritating is when people feel that other's motives have to be pearly white before they can ask questions.

The OP in the askme thread had something that was eating them up, and they are obviously working through the process.

"Get rid of your self centered feelings before posting here."

Well, sometimes engaging others on the topic is what helps get you there. (Although to be clear, I didn't think the original thread reflected a sense of false entitlement.)

Why can't this be a safe place to do it, without the harsh callouts? Why not gentle suggestions for reevaluation, instead of public floggings?

Because it makes some people feel better to do so, under the guise of righteous indignation. And that's pretty lame.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:22 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


CKmtl: yeah, i totally agree with you and get that that's what you are saying. but everyone else is saying that i'm attention-whoring.
posted by violetk at 4:23 PM on April 11, 2008


I think we're done here.
posted by dersins at 4:23 PM on April 11, 2008


Sorry, just carrying on in the "I'll rant about whatever I want to" spirit of this post.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:23 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


Lawn chairs, popcorn and buckets of beer available here for free. Yes, what can I get you?
posted by ericb at 4:24 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


CAPITAL LETTERS. SEE? THEY LOOK LIKE THIS!

as someone who also is too lazy to press the shift key (suck it haters) I'd like to point out that I think this is a silly thing to say. it's correcting grammar rather than discussing the topic. I'm agin' it.
posted by shmegegge at 4:24 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


If it weren't for my parents' horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.
posted by mullacc at 4:25 PM on April 11, 2008 [7 favorites]


lower case letters for everyone! abolish capitalizationism!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:25 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


I'm making it younger.
posted by dersins at 4:26 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]


Give me whiny sense of entitlement over whiny attention whoring any day.
posted by fire&wings at 4:26 PM on April 11, 2008


And_I_hate_the_space_bar.__It's_silly_to_point_out_that_paragraphs_of_this_would_be_annoying.
posted by Gary at 4:26 PM on April 11, 2008


Try MetaFilter Lube! For those chafing Anonymous questions, burning MeTa flameouts, and roughshod single-link political op-ed posts, nothing soothes and contains the pain like cool, blue LubeMe.
posted by Gunner's Mate 1st Class Phillip Asshole at 4:27 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]


this askme post really chafed me...

Yeah ... kinda like these lederhosen (complete with an iPod-control panel) chafed me.

Like a pair of new shoes, there's always that initial period of discomfort.
posted by ericb at 4:27 PM on April 11, 2008




everyone else is saying that i'm attention-whoring.

Hmm. Nope, I'm not seeing it. TPS's first comment wasn't about attention-whoring either; the latter part was a prophesy (which has now been mostly fulfilled) based on having seen many ill-considered and hot-tempered MeTa callouts.
posted by CKmtl at 4:31 PM on April 11, 2008


spacemanstix: i totally agree with you. i love askme because of that. i've gotten a bunch of great things to think about in answer to my questions from the hive over the past year. and just to be clear, i wasn't rude in the way i answered my question to that post originally. but i did point out that i thought there was a sense of entitlement, that ultimately suing them wasn't going to fix whatever other underlying issue was going on in that family dynamic, and that, as an adult, he really needs to own the choices he makes in life.

but for anyone who's calling me out on all of this, that's totally fair—and human nature. as anïs nin says, "we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."
posted by violetk at 4:31 PM on April 11, 2008


Everybody's parents suck, okay? Now let's get drunk.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:33 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


as anïs nin says, "we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."

The world must look pretty dead to her.
posted by dersins at 4:34 PM on April 11, 2008 [9 favorites]


Must have been a long week for everyone, it's the usual fight picking but with half the energy level.
posted by iamabot at 4:34 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]


Everybody's parents suck, okay? Now let's get drunk.

hear, hear! it's a beautiful friday afternoon! time to go out and enjoy it!
posted by violetk at 4:34 PM on April 11, 2008


Must have been a long week for everyone, it's the usual fight picking but with half the energy level.

ha! i knew that was what was lacking here!
posted by violetk at 4:36 PM on April 11, 2008


hugs?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:40 PM on April 11, 2008 [7 favorites]


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