It's Condiments All The Way Down June 2, 2008 6:43 AM   Subscribe

All of Metafilter's links taste like mustard.

This fact, once revealed and made overt, has greatly affected the taste of my capuccino this morning while reading mefi; and, having suffered, I felt that you too must suffer, dear reader.
posted by felix to MetaFilter-Related at 6:43 AM (155 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

Also it apparently has rendered me unable to spell cappuccino correctly. Will there be no succour for this vile scourge?
posted by felix at 6:47 AM on June 2, 2008


In the plain theme, links taste like raspberry Otter Pops.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:49 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


MeFi needs a Hot Dog Stand theme.
posted by dosterm at 6:51 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


They all taste like monitor to me. And now I need to clean the screen.
posted by Tehanu at 6:59 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


Thanks for the mustardation, Debbie Downer.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:08 AM on June 2, 2008


delicious otters....
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:12 AM on June 2, 2008


The Mustardization of MetaFilter: A play in three acts.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 7:16 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


Really? You are that susceptible to suggestion?

All comments in this thread taste like send-jeffamaphone-money.
posted by jeffamaphone at 7:16 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


I've never heard of Otter Pops before, but that won't stop me tucking "Go suck an otter pop!" away as a key element in my arsenal of rhetoric devices. Also, potentially, as an illustration of the subtle differences in meaning that can be brought about by the judicious insertion (or, conversely, deletion) of a comma.
posted by Wolfdog at 7:17 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


I do not understand this thread and so have reverted to fuckin' language.
posted by Jofus at 7:19 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yeah, but this mustard totally tastes like snozberries.
posted by The Straightener at 7:21 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


There's mustard and there's mustard.
posted by mattoxic at 7:26 AM on June 2, 2008


Mine taste like purple. (Purple's a fruit, right?)
posted by shakespeherian at 7:27 AM on June 2, 2008


I ran out of katsup for my chicken tenders, so I tried out some spicy mustard instead. Mmmboy that was yummy.
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:27 AM on June 2, 2008


Dijonnaise!
posted by Jofus at 7:28 AM on June 2, 2008


The thing is, mustard gas really doesn't actually taste all that much like mustard. It's like false advertising or something.

It tastes more like pain and blisters.

I suppose it could have been a bad hot dog.
posted by quin at 7:37 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


I don't wear a fedora, so this makes no sense.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:40 AM on June 2, 2008


Jofus: "I do not understand this thread and so have reverted to fuckin' language."

Ditto. Clearly a 'Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot' moment for me.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:43 AM on June 2, 2008


Sounds like the relatively slow weekend in MeTa has made some people ANXIOUS.
posted by pineapple at 7:52 AM on June 2, 2008


What I condimeant to say, is that this mayo may not end well. I don't know what your dill is, but it's causing all salsa problems here. So what if the MeTa posts over a weekend can't ketchup to the weekday traffic? Everyone knows it's about the blue; the gray is just gravy. Ergo, I disapprove of this post, syr. Up yours!
posted by pineapple at 7:55 AM on June 2, 2008 [16 favorites]


" Mustard, custard and you, ya big turd. Run Harold!" is the punch line to a joke. My Mom quoted it often throughout our childhood but that is the only part she could remember. Could never remember the joke part. If anyone knows the actual joke, you would settle a 30 year family mystery and I would be much obliged!
posted by pearlybob at 7:56 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


"I do not understand this thread and so have reverted to fuckin' language."

MeFi's own Al Swearengen!
posted by cairnish at 7:56 AM on June 2, 2008


JESUS FUCK PEOPLE YOU SMOKE WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING POT.
posted by dersins at 8:07 AM on June 2, 2008


Metafilter even smells like blue.
posted by Dave Faris at 8:09 AM on June 2, 2008


GET OFF THE PIPE
posted by dersins at 8:10 AM on June 2, 2008


DERSINS WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY IN META? WOULD YOU LIKE SOME DELICIOUS BROWNIES?
posted by Tehanu at 8:13 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


pearlybob, the setup for that is two penguins having a conversation (one of them is named Harold). And the first penguin says, "Can you pass the mustard, Harold?" The other one, Harold, looks for the mustard, but cannot find it because he is in the shower and so can only reach the Dr. Bronners and his waterproof AM/FM wireless. So Harold replies to the first penguin, "Uh, no. Soap? Radio?"

And then it does that bit you mentioned.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:20 AM on June 2, 2008


I hope your noses fall off.
posted by blue_beetle at 8:25 AM on June 2, 2008


Plain theme tastes like windshield washer fluid. DAMHIK.
posted by Eideteker at 8:27 AM on June 2, 2008


"Uh, no. Soap? Radio?"

I'm beaming internet hate waves into your face that may or may not make it fall off.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:28 AM on June 2, 2008


I smoke exactly enough pot, thank you. Delicious mustard coated goats.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:28 AM on June 2, 2008


No Soap, Radio
posted by octothorpe at 8:41 AM on June 2, 2008


There's an aftertaste of 9-volt batteries.

Watch out for otters. They are savage beasts. I have seen families of otters catch, drown, and eat brown pelicans who were unfortunate enough to decide to take a little rest in a freshwater lagoon. One otter will swim around nonchalantly, pretending to ignore the wary pelican. Meanwhile, another otter is swimming under the water; when it gets to the pelican, it grabs a leg and holds it down. The pelican will flap frantically; the other otter will swim over and jump on top of it. Then the adult otters' young (five, in this case) will emerge from the reeds and also jump on the still-flapping pelican. When it is dead, they drag it to shore and eat it.

Otters are dangerous. Beware killer otters!
posted by rtha at 8:45 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


No Coke, Pepsi.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:45 AM on June 2, 2008


Otter Pops.
posted by owhydididoit at 8:51 AM on June 2, 2008


Dijonnaise!
posted by Jofus at 10:28 AM


Mayostard!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 8:52 AM on June 2, 2008


Projects tastes like cilantro. DBFGIRPT.
posted by Wolfdog at 8:52 AM on June 2, 2008


Thanks Cortex. I can't say that I really 'get' the joke but I appreciate you clearing up the mystery. I'll pass it on to the family..
posted by pearlybob at 9:03 AM on June 2, 2008


people who browse the web on laptops in coffee shops should be dragged out into the street and pistol whipped. i mention this because the vibe in here is too... happy.
posted by shmegegge at 9:03 AM on June 2, 2008


Some people refuse to believe that Dijon mustard tastes damn good. Sure, there's nothing like ballpark mustard on your hotdog, but Dijon plus dill makes ham very, very happy. And I'm sure the famous Vancouver otters would agree with me if they just stopped hanging on to each other and would step up to the keyboard already.
posted by maudlin at 9:07 AM on June 2, 2008





fnord
posted by everichon at 9:08 AM on June 2, 2008


*pulls up in Bentley, rolls down the window*

Pardon me, is this The Grey that I may POOPON?
posted by Koko at 9:21 AM on June 2, 2008 [5 favorites]


I obviously don't cut the mustard 'cuz this whole thing makes no fucking sense. Is it surreal Monday on the Gray?
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:21 AM on June 2, 2008


No. It's Surreal Thursday.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:29 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


Pardon me, is this The Grey that I may POOPON?

Butts lol of COURSE.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:30 AM on June 2, 2008


Some people refuse to believe that Dijon mustard tastes damn good.

Dijon's OK, but this is the money mustard, man. Nothing else quite like it.
posted by jonmc at 9:38 AM on June 2, 2008


WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? WHO ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE??
posted by languagehat at 9:44 AM on June 2, 2008


Mean Mr. languagehat sleeps in the park shaves in the dark trying to save paper.
Sleeps in a hole in the road!
Savin' up to buy him some clothes!
Keeps a ten bob note up his nose!
Such a mean old man!
posted by Koko at 9:47 AM on June 2, 2008


WE ARE THE MOOSE TURD PEEP HOLE
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 9:55 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


Look it's that place where people use food to describe colors! Oh, how very! Oh, isn't it just the bees' knees? "Mustard yellow", ha, that is positively perfect! Who would have thought to use commonly-seen items like mustard to describe colors! Genius!
posted by 23skidoo at 10:01 AM on June 2, 2008


HOLY CRAP
posted by felix at 10:07 AM on June 2, 2008


shmegegge: "people who browse the web on laptops in coffee shops should be dragged out into the street and pistol whipped. i mention this because the vibe in here is too... happy."

Done and done. No wonder my americano tastes so much more satisfying!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:10 AM on June 2, 2008


Now I feel like someone is perpetually eating a mustard covered hot dog over my computer screen and spilling it in very strategic ways. What if we're all just mustard stains dripping off the great hot dog of life?
posted by spiderskull at 10:15 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


We have a weiner, schnitzel.
posted by Dave Faris at 10:55 AM on June 2, 2008


It's just spicy vinegar.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:04 AM on June 2, 2008


Mmm, mustard. Just keep that fucking "miracle fruit" out of this thread before it ruins everything.
posted by FelliniBlank at 11:16 AM on June 2, 2008


Any of you mus-tards got an explanation for asploding mustard pepper sauce?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:20 AM on June 2, 2008


Did you introduce something with a particularly high pH into the bottle of pepper sauce? It looks like a classic baking soda / vinegar type reaction.
posted by dersins at 11:26 AM on June 2, 2008




Is this something I'd have to stop using the plain theme to understand?
posted by Karmakaze at 11:42 AM on June 2, 2008


what happened here?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:46 AM on June 2, 2008


I know it's more fun to just keep being random, but on the off chance that some people are genuinely confused, and because I hate it when people just keep playing along with a joke when I missed the setup, I'll explain:

fire&wings referred to the color of the link text on the default theme as "mustard yellow". Apparently felix is very suggestible, because after reading this, he started thinking about mustard every time he saw a link on MetaFilter, even to the point that his cappuccino tasted funny.

After that, people just started riffing.
posted by ErWenn at 11:49 AM on June 2, 2008


Pearlybob, my dad tells a joke that's very similar. And borderline offensive!

"Two gay men walk into a bar on the wrong side of town and ask the bartender for two cosmopolitans. The bartender glares at them and says "We don't serve your kind here." One of the men responded (and here my dad would always shift into the most stereotypical lisping voice he could manage) "Come on, bartender, all we want is a drink and then we'll leave."

The bartender grudgingly makes them both Cosmos then charges them twenty bucks each. Silently, the men down their drinks and put their money on the bar. As they go to leave, one turns around, looks the bartender straight in the eye and says:

"Bartender, there are three types of hoods in this world. There's Motherhood, and Fatherhood, and you, you robbin' bastard! Run, Clarence, Run!"

Every. Family. Gathering.

For thirty years now.
posted by deadtrouble at 12:09 PM on June 2, 2008


Don't jokes usually have a punchline?
posted by dersins at 12:23 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


Apparently the punchline doesn't have to match the set up.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:47 PM on June 2, 2008


See, he's a robbin' hood. No one promised that it would be a great or even good joke. The thing that is funny about the joke is the soul-killing repetition at family outings, right deadtrouble?
posted by Mister_A at 1:03 PM on June 2, 2008


And, just for the record, in plain theme, the links taste like sweet, sweet 9-volt batteries.
posted by Mister_A at 1:04 PM on June 2, 2008


If I had a million dollars we wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner.
But we would eat Kraft Dinner. Well of course we would we'd just eat more.
And buy all the fanciest ketchups for it...dijon ketchup! Mmmm...
posted by GuyZero at 1:04 PM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


I've never heard of Otter Pops before...

Get off my lawn before your head falls off.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:05 PM on June 2, 2008


These kids and their lack of cultural/historical perspective!
Betcha a buck they ain't never had a Purple Cow, either.
posted by Dizzy at 1:13 PM on June 2, 2008


I'd rather see than be one.
posted by Cranberry at 1:17 PM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


So a few years ago, I was staying at a friend's house in Herefordshire, and one afternoon we made sandwiches with some leftover ham. Having never had Coleman's mustard before, I put a tremendous dollop on the bread and spread it all around. Now, this particular jar of mustard was a year or two old and, anyone familiar with the properties of hot mustard stored in a cupboard will tell you that the pungency can decrease greatly over time. So, while I was warned that my sandwich might have been stunningly, nostril-searingly hot, it turned out to be quite pleasant, as Coleman's is a fine mustard, indeed.

The following day, we still had some leftover ham, and set on more sandwiches as a midnight snack. Having exhausted the jar of Coleman's from the previous day, though, we cracked open a fresh one. Applying roughly the same amount of mustard to my bread as I had the day before, I took a bite of the sandwich and immediately felt as if something was deeply, terribly wrong. Now, let it be known that I'm the sort of man who can handle his heat--I will order a vindaloo and then be a bit disappointed that it's not too spicy to finish--but the heat of mustard is entirely different from that of capsaicin. My ears rang, my eyes watered, I felt as if my soul were trying to escape through my nose.

Of course, I immediately made plans to bring a few jars home.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:17 PM on June 2, 2008 [3 favorites]


Hey I've had Cow Tales and Túró Rudi so you don't tell me, I'll tell you. And I'm telling you to go suck an otter pop.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:22 PM on June 2, 2008


I always thought of MeFi's yellow links as Canary Yellow. Taste like canary too. Don't ask how I know that.
posted by wendell at 2:14 PM on June 2, 2008


Thanks deadtrouble. I think that's closer. My mom thinks it has something to do with having a "yella streak' or being spineless. Who knows? Maybe I'll makes this my next askme question.
posted by pearlybob at 2:17 PM on June 2, 2008


Can we ask the canary?
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:22 PM on June 2, 2008


Sorry, I ate the canary.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:39 PM on June 2, 2008


With mustard, I hope.
posted by Tehanu at 2:51 PM on June 2, 2008


canary yellow in a coal mine.
posted by Dave Faris at 2:56 PM on June 2, 2008


I hope your head falls off into a bucket of wasabi.
posted by loquacious at 2:57 PM on June 2, 2008


There's no need to make this weird.
posted by middleclasstool at 3:05 PM on June 2, 2008


Oh yeah? Well, so's your face, pal!
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 3:11 PM on June 2, 2008


What's good to eat with wasabi if you don't like sushi? I have some and I'm ready to resort to putting it on my fries just so I have an excuse to munch on it.
posted by quin at 3:14 PM on June 2, 2008


What's good to eat with wasabi if you don't like sushi?

Try making some wasabi truffles! I had some a few years ago, and, my gosh, it was delicious. I never can find a recipe for them, though, so I think it's probably a pretty rare thing.
posted by Ms. Saint at 3:16 PM on June 2, 2008


At the risk of posting an ad on Metatalk, there's a national US grocery store whose name rhymes with "Crater Poe's" that sells a wasabi mayonnaise that I think is pretty great. I put it on sandwiches, hot dogs, even potato salad.
posted by Dave Faris at 3:24 PM on June 2, 2008


Oh, man, I do all my shopping at Vibrator Ho's. I had no idea they also sold mayonnaise.
posted by dersins at 3:32 PM on June 2, 2008


Traitor Moe?
posted by Burhanistan at 3:33 PM on June 2, 2008


Tater Toes?
posted by ericb at 3:34 PM on June 2, 2008


Skater Blows!
posted by Burhanistan at 3:35 PM on June 2, 2008


Ooh. I found some very nice Wasabi Ranch salad dressing a while back at pedestrian old NaifGay. Made salad something to look forward to. I'll look for that wasabi mayo next time I'm near Fellator Cho's.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:38 PM on June 2, 2008


Ate 'er toes?
posted by eyeballkid at 3:39 PM on June 2, 2008


I don't get this post. I mustard missed the memo.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:44 PM on June 2, 2008


Wasabi mayo is great with grilled salmon (I bet it's be nice on a ham sandwich, too), or just about any fried snack, and would be super with certain crudite veggies... red bells, corn coblets. Wasabi's nice even mixed into soups. I like a sunday stew sort of udon soup - leftover tofu, veggies, whatever, with miscellaneous Japanese seasoning.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:04 PM on June 2, 2008


Oh, but I make my own, you don't have to buy a whole nother jar of mayo, people.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:05 PM on June 2, 2008


You don't have to buy mayo at all. Jarred mayo is about as far from homemade mayo as yellow Froot Loops are from pineapple rings.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:18 PM on June 2, 2008


I don't get it. Was that supposed to do something?
posted by Afroblanco at 4:19 PM on June 2, 2008


JESUS FUCK PEOPLE YOU SMOKE WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING POT.

Dude, I'd call you a prude, but with this short-term memory loss ... what is it that you were saying again?

damn I'm hungry
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:20 PM on June 2, 2008


What a waste of bits.
posted by chillmost at 4:21 PM on June 2, 2008


Oh, man, I do all my shopping at Vibrator Ho's. I had no idea they also sold mayonnaise.

That's not mayonnaise.

posted by inigo2 at 4:45 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


Dijonnaise!

I'll take your Dijonnaise and raise you a Mayostard.

And a Mustardayonnaise.

And a Mustmayostardayonnaise.
posted by phatkitten at 5:01 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


fire&wings referred to the color of the link text on the default theme as "mustard yellow". Apparently felix is very suggestible, because after reading this, he started thinking about mustard every time he saw a link on MetaFilter, even to the point that his cappuccino tasted funny.

After that, people just started riffing.


Ehh. The book was better.
posted by pineapple at 5:27 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


From Mustmayostaristan.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:28 PM on June 2, 2008


Jarred mayo is about as far from homemade mayo as yellow Froot Loops are from pineapple rings.

This is true, but so what? When I want jarred mayo, that's what I want (and specifically, I want a brand that rhymes with Bellman's).
posted by languagehat at 5:50 PM on June 2, 2008


Smellman's?
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:54 PM on June 2, 2008


specifically, I want a brand that rhymes with Bellman's

Best Foods?
posted by dersins at 5:56 PM on June 2, 2008


Jarred mayo is about as far from homemade mayo as yellow Froot Loops are from pineapple rings.

I thought the yellow Froot Loops were lemon.
posted by jonmc at 5:57 PM on June 2, 2008


What the crap is this?
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:04 PM on June 2, 2008


Silly: you're supposed to put maple syrup on your links. Now you've stained my metafilter.
posted by not_on_display at 6:22 PM on June 2, 2008


I thought the yellow Froot Loops were lemon.

I'm pretty sure all the colors are Froot Loops-flavored. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:48 PM on June 2, 2008


What flavor is chocolate rain?
posted by ZachsMind at 6:59 PM on June 2, 2008


This is right up in the top 10 weird MetaTalk threads of all time, I'd say.

No, it's a good thing!
posted by yhbc at 7:04 PM on June 2, 2008


quin: "What's good to eat with wasabi if you don't like sushi?"

Mashed potatos. Gives 'em a nice smoky glow around the edges.
posted by gleuschk at 7:09 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


I remember when I could put away an entire box of Froot Loops in an afternoon but now I'm old. It takes me all day.
posted by owhydididoit at 7:11 PM on June 2, 2008


SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE PENGUIN JOKE ALREADY
posted by Rock Steady at 7:15 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


Does this help, Rock Steady? If not, perhaps this? I sometimes go here to figure things out. True about the Froot Loops though, not true about Fruity Pebbles.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:29 PM on June 2, 2008


SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE PENGUIN JOKE ALREADY

Yes!
posted by Dave Faris at 7:39 PM on June 2, 2008


I sometimes go here to figure things out.

Heh. I originally had "SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE FUCKING PENGUIN JOKE ALREADY" but decided that was too harsh.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:48 PM on June 2, 2008


I thought mustard was a color. Sort of like yellow but richer in hue.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:51 PM on June 2, 2008


I originally had "SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE FUCKING PENGUIN...

We know.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:56 PM on June 2, 2008


I remember when I could put away an entire box of Froot Loops in an afternoon but now I'm old. It takes me all day.

Really? After using the box, all you have to do is pick it up and put it back in the shelf or cupboard. I could totally do that at least fourteen times in, I dunno, like, an hour. Maybe your shelves or cupboards are too high. Maybe you should check into an assisted living facility. I mean, dang.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:57 PM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]


JESUS FUCK PEOPLE YOU SMOKE WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING POT.

Apparently not enough. Not nearly enough.

And this is otter pop.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:08 PM on June 2, 2008


Or maybe I should use accelerated Mercury particles.
posted by owhydididoit at 8:11 PM on June 2, 2008


Slightly over-ripe bananas.
posted by IronLizard at 8:27 PM on June 2, 2008


I originally had "SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE FUCKING PENGUIN...

We know.


SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE FUCKING CABAL ALREADY
posted by Rock Steady at 8:55 PM on June 2, 2008


CitrusFreak was here.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 8:59 PM on June 2, 2008


and he's Lemon Yellow. Or Lemon Jello.
posted by wendell at 9:10 PM on June 2, 2008


Metafilter: Tastes like burning.
posted by iamabot at 9:24 PM on June 2, 2008


On a totally unrelated note, my wife is insisting on painting the dining room a color I can only refer to as "Wrath of God".
posted by iamabot at 9:25 PM on June 2, 2008


My dining room's pink. Anyone who has a complaint can cook their own goddamned dinner.
posted by padraigin at 9:27 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


The secret for good otter recipes is to slow broil their meat. It's so greasy otherwise.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:29 PM on June 2, 2008


or limoncello.
posted by dersins at 9:30 PM on June 2, 2008


Otter jam.
posted by owhydididoit at 9:34 PM on June 2, 2008


I just chimed in to say that I like wasabi on Wheat Thins. Yes, I do.

My son-in-law thinks I'm nuts.
posted by Lynsey at 9:47 PM on June 2, 2008


You people realize that this entire thread makes NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL, right?

Oh, you do?

Ok, carry on.

(seriously, though, what the crap is this about? Is this something I'd need to read MeCha to understand?)
posted by Afroblanco at 10:10 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


I don't read MeCha but everytime I see it spelled like that I first think of MechWarrior, which is much cooler.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:11 PM on June 2, 2008


On a totally unrelated note, my wife is insisting on painting the dining room a color I can only refer to as "Wrath of God".

A friend of mine is employed as a chooser-of-paint-names for a paint company. I will suggest "Wrath of God" to her as an option. I imagine such a paint would be a bright, fiery, almost neon orange.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 10:24 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]


That is so awesome, I will inform the missus directly.
posted by iamabot at 10:33 PM on June 2, 2008


A friend of mine is employed as a chooser-of-paint-names for a paint company.

SHUT THE FUCK UP. This is the dream job for a close friend. Seriously, how did your friend get said job?

???
posted by GuyZero at 10:57 PM on June 2, 2008


Colonel Mustard in the dining room.
posted by Cranberry at 11:43 PM on June 2, 2008


Mister_A: And, just for the record, in plain theme, the links taste like sweet, sweet 9-volt batteries.

You know what else tastes like 9-volt batteries?
posted by philomathoholic at 12:36 AM on June 3, 2008


If anyone knows the actual joke, you would settle a 30 year family mystery and I would be much obliged!

When I was about six or seven, I was wandering through the local park when I heard an older girl enthusiastically declaring a rhyme. She was maybe nine or ten, and looked much dirtier and rougher than the kids in our street -- which was a pretty dirty, rough place to begin with.

I only managed to catch a couple of brief snatches of her poem, but they've stuck with me my whole life. It concered a young woman who was, for some reason, located in a tree with a black man -- referred to in the poem by the n-word, of course. But the particular couplet that stuck with me was the one that described the activity taking place. She was:

'Sucking his cock like a tuppenny bar of rock'

It was the first time I was ever exposed to the idea or oral sex, and I must say, I was strangely intrigued. Did this dirty, tree-dwelling girl have experience of the act that she was rhyming about? Was it her own location in a tree that had reminded her of the protagonist of her poem? Was this act of interracial pleasure located in Africa, where black men were believed to regularly occupy trees, if the Tarzan movies they showed on Saturday Morning TV were to be believed?

I've searched for the couplet repeatedly since the dawn of the internet -- with no luck so far, but I remember that her delivery was so practiced, and the poem sounded so well constructed that it's hard for me to imagine that it was something she made up herself rather than being something passed along via the local oral tradition. Was my own reading of licencious abandon due to the unconstrained innocent pleasure that a quasi-feral child takes in transgression, or was this an example of an inappropriately oversexualized child, and potentially the signifier of something much more sinister?

And will I ever get the answer to any of these questions? I suspect not, but almost fifty years on, they still invade my memory -- like something out of a Dennis Potter play, but without the psoriasis.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:17 AM on June 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


Just one woman, man. One woman with a thousand faces.

And a thousand rhymes about arboreal dick-sucking.
posted by clockzero at 5:51 AM on June 3, 2008


A friend of mine is employed as a chooser-of-paint-names for a paint company.

What GuyZero said. Seriously. GET THE FUCK OUT. That is one of the coolest fucking jobs ever.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:28 AM on June 3, 2008


I had a friend who was choser of names for Nike and their bizarre raft of products and he said it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I mean you could think of all sorts of hallucination-induced names for things, but then you had to justify them to a bunch of suits who had had their own hallucinatory inspirationand justifying this stuff just took all the fun out of it, he said.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:38 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


I assumed Wrath of God was more of a sulfur color.
posted by Tehanu at 6:55 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Choosing names for things is fun (I get to do it now and again). The best part is spit-balling all the hilarious parody names you would use if you weren't working for the man. I find that you need to get those out of your system before you can do the real (non-joke) names.

The second best part is coming up with the bullshit reasons why the names you've come up with are completely awesome and on strategy for whatever product or service you're representing. I HAVE ACTUALLY USED THE WORD "KENNINGS" WHILE PRESENTING SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT THE REASONS AND METHODS FOR THE NAMES I CAME UP WITH FOR SOMETHING. It is really, really fun to do this, but you can't take it too seriously. You really do have to come up with some high-falutin' BS to make your client feel like he or she would be a total idiot not to choose one of the names you're presenting.

So yes, naming things can be fun, and defending your choice of names can also be fun.
posted by Mister_A at 6:59 AM on June 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Seriously, how did your friend get said job?

I don't know, but I'll ask her the next time I see her... whilst shamelessly begging her to trade jobs with me.

Once at a party, we played a game where she would give the company name color, and a guy friend and I would guess the actual color. I totally dominated.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:47 AM on June 3, 2008


I HAVE ACTUALLY USED THE WORD "KENNINGS" WHILE PRESENTING SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT THE REASONS AND METHODS FOR THE NAMES I CAME UP WITH FOR SOMETHING.

You say "arch support," I say "Structuro, Lord of the Underfoot!"
posted by middleclasstool at 7:49 AM on June 3, 2008


I assume wrath of god color is that oxblood splatter over some other deep red that when you see it through a window in someone's living room you have to blink once or twice to make sure you are not looking at the scene of a crime.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:56 AM on June 3, 2008


I would like to know what it is in hex web color.

My house has a small atrium / coat / shoe check area we painted in "Y HELLO THAR", which is #0000FF -- which then leads into the living room, which we did in "CAN I HAS EYEBALL PLS", also known as #FFAA00. We have various doors and sills which we've been thinking of painting in "The Atheist's Answer To Pascal's Wager", but "Wrath of God" sounds appealing as well -- please advise.
posted by felix at 8:16 AM on June 3, 2008


pearlybob, maybe? (post plus first comment)
posted by jermsplan at 12:14 PM on June 3, 2008


I assume wrath of god color is that oxblood splatter over some other deep red that when you see it through a window in someone's living room you have to blink once or twice to make sure you are not looking at the scene of a crime.

I uh... haven't experienced that. But now I'm kinda scared of it.
posted by Tehanu at 12:16 PM on June 3, 2008


THAT'S IT!! Jermsplan, you are our family hero! I would name my next born after you but there will be no more born from me so here's a hearty thank you!! I'm sending that link to the family right now. Great sleuthing!!
posted by pearlybob at 1:39 PM on June 3, 2008


6:00 a.m. and now I want a Chicago style hot dog. Unfortunately that is at least a 2 1/2 hour flight, leaving out waiting time at the airport.

Somebody in Chicago Fed-X me a hot dog with all the fixing's and plenty of mustard!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 3:19 AM on June 4, 2008


Just one woman, man. One woman with a thousand faces.

The SuccDickubus, obviously.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:13 AM on June 5, 2008


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