BRANDON BLATCHER STOP MARRYIN' PEOPLE June 19, 2009 5:43 PM   Subscribe

BRANDON BLATCHER STOP MARRYIN' PEOPLE

For serious,
posted by boo_radley to Etiquette/Policy at 5:43 PM (188 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

Don't listen. Keep marrying until you have married everyone. That'll show 'em.
posted by tkchrist at 5:44 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Serious, non-snarky question, boo_radley: why do you care? Why do you want him to stop?
posted by not that girl at 5:46 PM on June 19, 2009


Admin-y question: is this something you feel like actually needs discussion, or are you just goofin'? Because I'm not really sure what to make of this thread yet.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:48 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ENSPOUSENATED.
posted by loquacious at 5:51 PM on June 19, 2009 [35 favorites]


The tags are the best part.
posted by paisley henosis at 5:52 PM on June 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


Flagged as continuemarryin'people
posted by DU at 5:54 PM on June 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


We are not people.
posted by The World Famous at 5:57 PM on June 19, 2009


Are you secretly mad 'cause he jilted you?

Anyway, if you think adding the contacts is a lot of work, wait 'til he starts consumatin'.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:59 PM on June 19, 2009 [6 favorites]


Jesus, do you KNOW how long it takes to find a guy who's the marryin' type?
posted by DarlingBri at 6:00 PM on June 19, 2009 [6 favorites]


I'm doomed to be a MeFi spinster.
posted by liquorice at 6:02 PM on June 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


As long as he's not intending on herding all of us to a special compound in Texas and disallow ATF access...I'm okay with his manygamy.
posted by Sova at 6:02 PM on June 19, 2009


That marriage thread is still open.
posted by box at 6:03 PM on June 19, 2009


GO BRANDON BLATCHER GO!
I've been spousing people since yesterday and I shall continue doing so forever. Seriously, why would you refuse the warmth and tenderness of a Mefi spouse?! And now you're all my spouses too! BWHAHAHAHAHA
posted by Foci for Analysis at 6:09 PM on June 19, 2009


Mefigamy?
posted by fleacircus at 6:09 PM on June 19, 2009


I re-dub him St Brandon of the Spouses.
posted by DU at 6:10 PM on June 19, 2009 [9 favorites]


Are you secretly mad 'cause he jilted you?

:'-(
posted by kmennie at 6:11 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Oh, man, if the real-life Box of the Spouses finds out, she's gonna be ticked.
posted by box at 6:11 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Is this something I would have to read 1000-comment MeTa threads to understand?
posted by brain_drain at 6:11 PM on June 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


Not only do I not have a MeFi spouse, but no one has a crush on me any more. :(
posted by pxe2000 at 6:12 PM on June 19, 2009


I feel like commenting in this thread has turned me into a thread polygamist.

Is that wrong?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:13 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Also: Somebody in the past 24 hours added me as a contact without spousifying me. I don't know what to make of this.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:15 PM on June 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


Considering Brandon Blatcher hasn't even spoused Boo_Radley, I'm guessing this is all a joke.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:17 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I am thrilled to have 2 new virtua-spouses. I wasn't really wanting to be gay-married (not that there's anything wrong with that) but at this point I'll take what I can get.
posted by The Deej at 6:22 PM on June 19, 2009


BB, if you break MetaFilter I will look dimly upon your marrying ways.
posted by GuyZero at 6:23 PM on June 19, 2009


What if we replaced "Spouse" with "Butt Buddies"?
posted by dunkadunc at 6:24 PM on June 19, 2009


CLOSE THIS THREAD

for serious
posted by edgeways at 6:24 PM on June 19, 2009


It may not be his intent but it'll probably happen anyway. He's pretty charismatic.
posted by jtron at 6:25 PM on June 19, 2009


I had never looked at Brandon Blatcher's profile picture before. "Sexy mofo" indeed, complete with smouldering gaze. I wonder if he has time for extramarital hijinks? Can I be your internet mistress, Brandon B?
posted by not that girl at 6:28 PM on June 19, 2009


and stop breaking my heart. ..
posted by boo_radley at 6:32 PM on June 19, 2009


What if we replaced "Spouse" with "Butt Buddies"?

What what? (In the butt.)

In response to this proposal I propose that we replace the handshake with briefly rubbing our fully clothed buttocks together. The vulnerability of the turn-about face will replace the significance of the handshake as a disarming agent while being so ridiculously silly that it will be more useful in weeding out the un-genuine and uptight (imagine a hard-assed salesperson doing a butt-rub shimmy) while simultaneously eliminating the need to touch our filthy hands together, thus reducing our community transmission of filthy germs.
posted by loquacious at 6:33 PM on June 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


on further thought...

BOO_RADLEY STOP POSTIN' DRUNK

for serious,
posted by dunkadunc at 6:33 PM on June 19, 2009


He hasn't married me. Yet. Doesn't look like he's married you, either. Or did you have it annulled already?
posted by dilettante at 6:34 PM on June 19, 2009


Loquacious, if a disco ball can somehow be involved, I'm in.
posted by elizardbits at 6:34 PM on June 19, 2009


I just de-contacted the 'blatch. I mean, you know, we had a special thing going, sure. And we're still spouses inside, but all I could see in my "Contact Activity" was his philandering, and that was tiresome.

I'll re-contact him when his wild oats are fully sown.
posted by dirtdirt at 6:34 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


"You have too many contacts and your contact page is too taxing on the database. The limit for maximum tracked contacts is 500."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:36 PM on June 19, 2009


Well then.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:36 PM on June 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


Now that this is over, can we discuss how to prevent the new JibJab animation from being posted to the front page?
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 6:37 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


"You have too many contacts and your contact page is too taxing on the database."

I had a bunch of contacts linked as "fare," and I got a similar error message, except it said "taxiing"
posted by sleevener at 6:39 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


I just de-contacted the 'blatch. I mean, you know, we had a special thing going, sure. And we're still spouses inside, but all I could see in my "Contact Activity" was his philandering, and that was tiresome.

Oh! Oh! You have an opening - add me! add me!
posted by Solon and Thanks at 6:42 PM on June 19, 2009


"Also: Somebody in the past 24 hours added me as a contact without spousifying me. I don't know what to make of this."

Some of us like to take it slow.

Also, why buy the cow?
posted by klangklangston at 6:43 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


You get the milk wholesale.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 6:44 PM on June 19, 2009


Ralph ain't here either.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:46 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Actually I've added a few people recently as contacts without spousing them because I'm uncertain of the etiquette around this whole thing. I don't want to spouse someone and get them offended. I'm kind of funny that way.
posted by blucevalo at 6:52 PM on June 19, 2009


You have an opening - add me! add me!

I had to swap out a spouse to add you, so I hope you can survive the probation period.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:53 PM on June 19, 2009


NEED MORE SPOUSES
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:54 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


The plural of "spouse" is "spice." They talk about "spice" in the Dune books. My username is St. Alia....

And none of this matters a plate of beans, but I still found it vaguely amusing.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:54 PM on June 19, 2009


LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:55 PM on June 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


Actually I've added a few people recently as contacts without spousing them because I'm uncertain of the etiquette around this whole thing. I don't want to spouse someone and get them offended. I'm kind of funny that way.
posted by blucevalo at 6:52 PM on June 19 [+] [!]


Uh, do you even remember how this started?????
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:55 PM on June 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


This is making my head have that OUCHY feeling and it hurts.
posted by snsranch at 6:56 PM on June 19, 2009


This madness must end here.
posted by Pants! at 6:58 PM on June 19, 2009


I had to swap out a spouse to add you, so I hope you can survive the probation period.

As long as it involves a nerdy-spouse thunderdome, I think I can hold my own.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 6:59 PM on June 19, 2009


Can you hang drywall?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:04 PM on June 19, 2009


well, damn, I'm married and didn't know it!

when's the honeymoon?
posted by HuronBob at 7:05 PM on June 19, 2009


And here I thought I was special.
posted by bondcliff at 7:08 PM on June 19, 2009


Uh, do you even remember how this started?????

Yes, but still ..... like I said, I'm funny that way. Anyway, people have spoused me and I've spused people, so it's all good.
posted by blucevalo at 7:12 PM on June 19, 2009


Also: Somebody in the past 24 hours added me as a contact without spousifying me. I don't know what to make of this.

They're just... you know... taking you for a test drive?
posted by jerseygirl at 7:19 PM on June 19, 2009


Starting this thread was a fine way to ensure you'd get spoused so hard like a million times, boo.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:21 PM on June 19, 2009


"No MetaFilter members have linked to anastasiav in the last month"

** cries **
posted by anastasiav at 7:24 PM on June 19, 2009


Is this where we ask for the pony to allow an unlimited number of contacts because the current regime is oppressive to Brandon Blatcher's free love brigade?

And really, Brandon, listing me as a contact without spousing me? What is this? It's the grapefruit, isn't it. Too tart. Well, buster, it's an acquired taste and part of a healty breakfast, I'll have you know. Also, try putting some sugar on it. That helps.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:28 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I also noticed that there's no option to mark a contact as "Druid".

WTF MetaFilter?

Also, I am married to Soft and Hardcore Taters.

How dope is that?
posted by Mister_A at 7:33 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Can you hang drywall?

Can I!

no.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:33 PM on June 19, 2009


OMG BRANDON BLATCHER IS THE NEW TEHLOKI!!!!!!
posted by special-k at 7:36 PM on June 19, 2009


I wanna get internet-married to someone (or several someones) too :(
posted by dipping_sauce at 7:38 PM on June 19, 2009


Can you hang drywall?

Have I missed this euphemism?
posted by YoBananaBoy at 7:39 PM on June 19, 2009


Why, I believe boo_radley is twitterpated.
posted by stavrogin at 7:43 PM on June 19, 2009


Have I missed this euphemism?

I think Brandon Blatcher's just got some major room-diving to do, what with all these new spouses moving in.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:44 PM on June 19, 2009


No one has married me yet.

















It's because I'm fat, isn't it.
posted by peggynature at 7:47 PM on June 19, 2009


Enjoy being my spouse. I'm looking into group health care.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:49 PM on June 19, 2009


Don't go changing, Brandon. Your spouses love you just the way you are.

P.S., you're spoused now, peggynature.
posted by Maisie at 7:52 PM on June 19, 2009


I just checked, and since yesterday, two people have internet married me! That was the best surprise.
posted by Ms. Saint at 8:01 PM on June 19, 2009


Check me out, I got a lady on each arm.

I'll just git on with my bad self now.
posted by peggynature at 8:03 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Zambrano.

I double-dog dare you to marry him.
posted by peggynature at 8:06 PM on June 19, 2009 [6 favorites]


I enjoy being a Metafilter polygamist (polygynist?), so thank you, Brandon Blatcher!

(do people ever just call you "Brandon"? "Brandon Blatcher" just flows together like you would always say the whole thing.)
posted by pinky at 8:22 PM on June 19, 2009


Aww, Brandon, I felt really, really unloved until I checked and saw that you had married me, too. Thanks, honey. That's why I love you.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 8:32 PM on June 19, 2009


Confetti all over this place.
posted by subbes at 8:37 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


really, the answer is my contact's activity is all "BRANDON GOT MARRIED AGAIN. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA SETTLE DOWN AND GET 500 SPOUSES" I don't know what anyone else is doing because Brandon's got enough nuptial announcements to singlehandedly revive the newspaper business.
posted by boo_radley at 8:40 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh, is there not one maiden breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty?
Who would not give up willingly
All matrimonial ambition,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?
From his position,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?

Oh, is there not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man’s affection?
To such an one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven’s arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be – I’ll love you!
However plain you be,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be – I’ll love you,
I’ll love you, I’ll love, I’ll love you!
posted by orthogonality at 8:47 PM on June 19, 2009 [3 favorites]


Brandon's got enough nuptial announcements to singlehandedly revive the newspaper business.

Shh. You say that like it's a bad thing. Forget the newspapers and that walking red-light district. Shhhh. Please.... If you would just relax for a moment you'd see that I'm on bended knee asking you to be mine... and also about a 1000 others.

I just made cookies. Incredibly delicious oatmeal-raisin cookies with too much butter, brown sugar and just enough spice to make them mildly mind-altering without tasting like they have too much cinnamon and nutmeg in them. So good. Eat the cookies.

BRB. Need to finish the other twelve-dozen-dozen cookies. Argh, I didn't know butter came in 50 pound cubes.

Mmmm butter. 50 pound cubes of butter isn't even enough to signify my love.
posted by loquacious at 9:02 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


loquacious... I don't know what to say, and that's not just because (1) Love cookies and (2) had a huge crush on Jambi as a kid.
posted by boo_radley at 9:19 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Theory: That spousing thread is the first 1000+ comment thread in MetaTalk that never included a flameout.
posted by flatluigi at 9:30 PM on June 19, 2009


On the new contacts part of our profile page "7 MetaFilter users added you within the last month" needs to be changed to "7 MetaFilter users enspousenated you within the last month". pb?
posted by shelleycat at 9:54 PM on June 19, 2009


quiet lurker, lurking off in the distance
posted by ugf at 10:03 PM on June 19, 2009


flatluigi: "Theory: That spousing thread is the first 1000+ comment thread in MetaTalk that never included a flameout."

It's not too late for someone to go back there and fix that.

peggynature: no one has married me yet. Maybe it's because I'm fat, too. I married you because I like a gal who won't break in a stiff wind.
posted by double block and bleed at 10:07 PM on June 19, 2009


Well, I married BB, even if he can't marry me back.

Then the spousing button got stuck.
posted by Pronoiac at 10:11 PM on June 19, 2009


I thought I was safe from all this marring mess, but then I checked my contacts to see that I've been espoused by Mr. Blatcher.

Well played Mr. Blatcher, well played.
posted by peeedro at 10:17 PM on June 19, 2009


OMG BRANDON BLATCHER IS THE NEW TEHLOKI!!!!!!

Favorited by Tehloki
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:20 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


I prefer parenting to espousing. You all need a hiding.
posted by tracicle at 10:28 PM on June 19, 2009


Where's the hide button, tracicle?
posted by Pronoiac at 10:44 PM on June 19, 2009


Can you hang drywall?

I think the proper phrase is "can you sheetrock?" because of the old double entendre there, you see.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:49 PM on June 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


I'll wait until this all dies down before I start to creepily, creepily spouse.
posted by fleacircus at 10:49 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yeah let's nail those studs! Hrm, too good.
posted by fleacircus at 10:50 PM on June 19, 2009


I hear the Cabal has a hide button.
posted by tracicle at 11:11 PM on June 19, 2009


I missed this thread, but I myself feel incredibly privileged to be married to Brandon Blatcher. Also, I've just made TPS one of my relatives! Wait ... does that mean ... oh. Hmm.
posted by brina at 11:33 PM on June 19, 2009


Another thread to spouse everyone in? Damn my OCD.
posted by toomuchpete at 11:54 PM on June 19, 2009


I gots me a couple a spouses now. As long as I don't have to pay out after the divorce. Not done paying off #1 yet.
posted by The Deej at 11:55 PM on June 19, 2009


Enjoy being my spouse. I'm looking into group health care.

If you do it right, your marriages should contain enough medical expertise to ensure cradle-to-grave care. Bonus if you get ColdChef.
posted by rodgerd at 12:26 AM on June 20, 2009


You are skating on thin ice there, tracicle, dangerously close to being hidden, if you know what We mean.
posted by the Cabal at 12:55 AM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm looking into group health care.

Just as long as it doesn't somehow invalidate my public health system, I quite like not having to pay to see a doctor.
posted by shelleycat at 1:21 AM on June 20, 2009


oh hooray another twee 1500 comment metatalk thread about spousing
posted by item at 1:26 AM on June 20, 2009


Hey! I know the secret handshake!...uh... *looks around nervously*
posted by tracicle at 1:36 AM on June 20, 2009


Favorited by Tehloki

I think Tehloki's gonna fuck Brandon up when he realizes he's stealing his thing.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:45 AM on June 20, 2009


this meme sucks


because no one married me
posted by CRM114 at 3:38 AM on June 20, 2009


You seem tense, Item. You should Internet marry a masseuse.
posted by rodgerd at 3:43 AM on June 20, 2009


"Brandon Blatcher" just flows together like you would always say the whole thing.

No, I prefer Brandon or BB or Badass Mofo, but Bicycle Spouse doesn't allow name changes.

Can you hang drywall?

Can I!

no.


No nickname until you name 5 favorite Buffy episodes and compose a rant about what a hack George Lucas is.

I think the proper phrase is "can you sheetrock?" because of the old double entendre there, you see.

There there, Cooter Spouse, there here.

listing me as a contact without spousing me? What is this?

Fruity Spouse needs to look again.


Ok, I'm off to learn about Disaster Medical Operations. It would nice if ya'll finished painting the living room by the time I got back.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:46 AM on June 20, 2009


Never mind drywall - can you hang paper?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:58 AM on June 20, 2009


Someone spouse me, spouse me hard. Please.
posted by vers at 4:44 AM on June 20, 2009


really, the answer is my contact's activity is all "BRANDON GOT MARRIED AGAIN. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA SETTLE DOWN AND GET 500 SPOUSES"

Protip: you can remove Added Others from your contacts activity.
posted by daniel_charms at 5:12 AM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oy vey, I go out for an IKEA spending spree and come back to find I have seven spouses. Pretty much an average day in the life of me.
posted by liquorice at 5:18 AM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think you could have purchased those spouses at IKEA, but you would have had to assemble them yourself.
posted by HuronBob at 5:36 AM on June 20, 2009 [2 favorites]


Spousing has all of the emotional investment of match.com at a fraction of the cost. Five dollars, twelve spouses. Let's see match top that.
posted by contrariwise at 5:51 AM on June 20, 2009


Okay, I'll volunteer to let BB divorce me this month, so long as he promises to re-spouse me next month. I could go with an every other month husband. So, we'd be married in the 7th (July), 9th (September), 11th (November) , etc, months of the year. A very ODD relationship.

Does anyone want to be his JUNE bride (and August, October, December, etc.)?

Holiday schedule:

Me:


The hangover on New Year's Day (Jan 1st), but not the party on New Year's Eve (Dec 31st).

St. Patrick's Day (both the celebration and the green beer hangover, sigh)

Sometimes Easter (bunnies)

May Day (flowers!)

Cinco de Mayo (hot peppers)

Memorial Day (picnic)

July 4th (ooooooooohhh, fireworks)

Bastille Day (Ooh la la)

Labor Day (another picnic)

Guy Fawkes Day (ooh, more fireworks)

Thanksgiving (turkey)

Your holiday schedule:

Valentine's Day (hearts and flowers and chocolates)

Mardi Gras (necklaces and booby flashing)

April Fool's Day (** surprises **)

Secretary's Day (dictation and flowers and getting chased around a desk, assuming you two are into role-playing)

Anniversary of the Great Espouse-ing of 2009 (more flowers)

Opening of the Minnesota State Fair (Corndogs, deep-fried cheese on a stick, butter carving of the Queen of the Milky Way, livestock shows, salsa makers demos and samples, quilt judging, jelly and jam judging, Tom Thumb doughnuts, Sweet Martha's cookies and milk, snow cones, deep fried catfish on a stick, caramel apple on a stick, cheesecake on a stick, steak on a stick, deep-fried alligator on a stick, roasted corn on the cob, all-day free concerts at the bandshell, daily parade, haunted house, ferris wheel, the old mill, fun house, ring toss, huge stuffed animal prizes, and at the end of the day, fireworks and a free bus ride back to your car at the Southdale Mall)

Halloween (trickin' and treatin')

Christmas (misteltoe and presents)

New Year's Eve (champagne and midnight kissing)

Any takers?

posted by marsha56 at 6:18 AM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


We ain't married til I see yer tits.
posted by Eideteker at 6:21 AM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


YOU CANT STOP THE ROCK CAN'T STOP THE MARRYIN' ROCK.
posted by steef at 6:24 AM on June 20, 2009


So, we'd be married in the 7th (July), 9th (September), 11th (November) , etc, months of the year. A very ODD relationship. Does anyone want to be his JUNE bride (and August, October, December, etc.)?

Man. Flashback to working at the family law legal aid clinic, drafting custody stipulations.

"Are there particular holidays you'd like to spend with little Billy? Christmas? His birthday?"
"Not really."
"...Okay."
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:31 AM on June 20, 2009


"You have too many contacts and your contact page is too taxing on the database. The limit for maximum tracked contacts is 500."

Oooh, now he gets to play Spousal Survivor. Who's getting kicked out first?!?
posted by inigo2 at 6:46 AM on June 20, 2009


TLBS: That's horrible.
posted by double block and bleed at 7:01 AM on June 20, 2009 [2 favorites]



I think you could have purchased those spouses at IKEA, but you would have had to assemble them yourself.


And they do always seem to forget to include a small, yet integral, part.

I'm sorry.
posted by liquorice at 7:07 AM on June 20, 2009


So, will every June be MeFi's Marriage Month? June weddings are beautiful. Unless it's humid and in the 90s like it is in ATL right now. Ugh. Okay, spouses: let's all jump in the pool!
posted by sadiehawkinstein at 7:42 AM on June 20, 2009


Three days ago, due to their notable absence in the ensouzellation thread, I enspoused Cold Chef, MSTPT and Kattilus, just to see how long it would take them to notice.

I think they're just playing coy, but it's beginning to hurt just a little.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:54 AM on June 20, 2009


a small, yet integral, part.

That's what she said! :'(
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:56 AM on June 20, 2009


Sure, Brandon's a name, but what's blatching?
posted by klangklangston at 8:23 AM on June 20, 2009


I'm trying very, very hard to resist enspouselnating asavage.

Must....resist....

posted by elfgirl at 8:26 AM on June 20, 2009


ALL THESE SPOUSES ARE YOURS EXCEPT boo_radley, ATTEMPT NO SPOUSING THERE.
posted by blue_beetle at 8:42 AM on June 20, 2009 [6 favorites]


Brandon, I'd just like to point out that you are one small contact away from an even 500. Go for it, dude, I know you have it in you.

You have it in a bunch of people, in fact, so one more won't hurt.
posted by shiu mai baby at 9:23 AM on June 20, 2009


i just do with him what i did with my last spouse - ignore him
posted by pyramid termite at 9:34 AM on June 20, 2009


I woke up to find Brandon Blatcher had run off in the night, divorcing me in my sleep.

I figured he must've come to his senses and unmarried everyone. I see he still has 499 contacts. WTF, Brandon?! Do I smell that bad?

(cries)
posted by ifjuly at 9:48 AM on June 20, 2009


Going through my contacts, I see Brandon Blatcher is a spouse of mine, as are two other people. And let me tell you, it makes for some wild weekends. Sometimes, I'll wash the dishes, Spouse 1 will dry them and Spouse 2 will put them away while Spouse 3 plays "Melancholy Baby" on the viola.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:41 AM on June 20, 2009


I woke from unsettling dreams to find myself changed in my bed into a monstrous vermin. This does not differ significantly from any other day, except that on this particularly memorable and glorious morn...I married Marisa Stole the Precious Thing.

And promptly ripped off his head and ate it. NOM NOM NOM etc.
posted by arachnid at 10:53 AM on June 20, 2009


I woke up to find Brandon Blatcher had run off in the night, divorcing me in my sleep.

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing stole the precious thing.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:34 AM on June 20, 2009


I now have 17 spouses. Thank you. It's all the love I'll ever need.

And four people took me up on the double-dog dare. I hope all four of you are prepared to have a civilized, open relationship in which you use only the highest quality facial products.
posted by peggynature at 12:31 PM on June 20, 2009 [2 favorites]


Sova, "As long as he's not intending on herding all of us to a special compound in Texas and disallow ATF access...I'm okay with his manygamy."

True Story: Woman I know was telling me this story about how this man, that she met off the internet, flew her to his compound in Montana, then when they we having sex, wanted to choke her.

I interrupted and asked, "What part of 'man on the internet/compound in Montana' failed to ring alarms bells with you."

She was fine with the choking though, but then apparently things got weird so she left.

Same world, different planets.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:33 PM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


I don't WANT to be exposed to spousing.
posted by homunculus at 2:48 PM on June 20, 2009 [2 favorites]


I not qualified to access how damaged all of ya'll are, so I'm just going to pack more gauze on the wounds and treat you for shock.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:34 PM on June 20, 2009


It just occured to me that approximately 9 months from now there are gonna be a lot of baby shower invitations around here......
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:57 PM on June 20, 2009


No, our parents all let us take real sex ed. classes.
posted by klangklangston at 4:12 PM on June 20, 2009 [9 favorites]


Wow - now I've got more spouses than a Mormon with satellite TV! Looks like we're going to have to draw straws to see who gets the couchbed.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:23 PM on June 20, 2009


None of them will have the precious thing once you're done with them.
posted by gman at 4:28 PM on June 20, 2009


Au contraire, gman, I've been fair. In keeping with my "anyone who adds me as a contact gets added as a contact in turn" policy, I have spousified all six contacts who claimed me as a spouse. I'm a firm believer in egalitarian unions.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:37 PM on June 20, 2009


I'm a firm believer in egalitarian unions.

Sorry, can't be with a person who condones that sort of thing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:02 PM on June 20, 2009


And so you divorced me? Hmph! Well, I hope you're not expecting to get half. You knew how I was going into this, so wipe that feigned expression of hurt surprise off your face. That means I'm keeping the dinette set, the novelty fridge alarm, the Franklin Mint Wizard of Oz comemorative plates, and the Lionel Richie collection. You heard me. From now on, I'll be "dancing on the cieling" with my other six spouses. And take that ugly ass chair out of here, will you? I never liked that thing. That's right! Hahaha! And by sundown you'll be hugging it at a Motel 6 somewhere, singing "Running with the Night" between swigs of cheap bourbon, and sobbing. You'll rue the day you filed those papers. RUE!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:20 PM on June 20, 2009


What's wrong with letting the eagles form a union? Anything that takes money out of Don Henley's pockets can't be all bad.
posted by box at 5:26 PM on June 20, 2009


And by sundown you'll be hugging it at a Motel 6 somewhere, singing "Running with the Night" between swigs of cheap bourbon, and sobbing.

There's the spark I remember, welcome back!

Now go fix the fences on the South ridge of the compound.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:00 PM on June 20, 2009


Yes sir.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:02 PM on June 20, 2009


What are we doing for dinner?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:29 PM on June 20, 2009


It's EatTheWeak's turn to cook, and I think he said something about paella.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:33 PM on June 20, 2009


What kind?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:45 PM on June 20, 2009


I cooked pork medallions in a balsamic vinegar sauce with vegetable rice and broccoli. But you'll have to come over here to get it. Weighted Companion Cube is afraid to go outside, for some reason.
posted by elfgirl at 7:01 PM on June 20, 2009


What kind?

The weak kind, apparently. When I cook, we eat the strong. Paella, I mean.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:44 PM on June 20, 2009


What's wrong with letting the eagles form a union?

I expect this gentleman to play some sort of leadership role.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:53 PM on June 20, 2009


I blatched a Brandon once; it'll get you three to five in minimum security.
posted by tracicle at 8:08 PM on June 20, 2009


singing "Running with the Night"

I think Brandon is much more of a "Running with the Devil" type. But I think you're spot on about him sobbing over a handle bottle of cheap bourbon.
posted by peeedro at 9:20 PM on June 20, 2009


I'm not angry that Brandon hasn't spoused me.

I am, however, angry because Brandon told me that he and his spouses "decided to do something really small with only about 10 people – just their immediate families, and… of course… Wendell. He’s my best friend after all."

I was hurt by this, of course, since I always considered Brandon to be *my* best friend… when clearly I was not his. I did not want to spoil his happy day by saying anything so continued offer my congratulations and left it at that.

The next week when I visited all 500 of them (bringing the champagne), he was all abuzz with wedding details and spoke about them with me frequently about venues, religious ceremony discussions and locations for their tiny reception. He also made a point of repeating that I would not be there and how it would only be for their immediate families and his “best friend”. I felt tears come to my eyes (something that never happens to me), excused myself to the washroom and, after composing myself, did not return our conversation to the topic of the wedding. Anytime he mentioned it afterwards, which he did, I would change the subject.

Maybe I should take this to AskMe and get some advice on how to handle this.
posted by davejay at 10:06 PM on June 20, 2009 [4 favorites]


with apologies to anon, whose side I'm totally on in this thread.
posted by davejay at 10:08 PM on June 20, 2009


Ooo, I just (like just) finished reading To Kill A Mocking Bird so I must enspousenate boo_radley.

And you know, once you start it's easy to just keep going ...
posted by shelleycat at 11:46 PM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


"You have too many contacts and your contact page is too taxing on the database. The limit for maximum tracked contacts is 500."

Sadly, this is a key part of the Defense Of Metafilter Act that Clinton signed back in '96.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:04 AM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


WHAT THE HELL.
posted by Mr. and Mrs. Metafilter at 10:00 AM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


All of you get your asses downstairs, RIGHT NOW and explain just what the hell is going on here.

There's goddamn grilled cheese sandwiches all over the place, there's compost heaps all over %$&@ yard, and the hybrids are missing from the garage.

GOD HELP all of you ungrateful bastards if there's Windows Vista on any of the computers.
posted by Mr. and Mrs. Metafilter at 10:06 AM on June 21, 2009 [8 favorites]


I actually *like* Windows Vista. Yeah, I know, hand in my geek card right now, but it works really well for me.
posted by shelleycat at 2:10 PM on June 21, 2009


There's an OS for everybody, to be sure. There's no rule saying you *must* hate Vista.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:29 PM on June 21, 2009


There's no rule saying you *must* hate Vista.

true - the rule is that you have to RUN it before you can really hate it
posted by pyramid termite at 2:47 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


See, SEE?! You got all fancy with your favorites and your contacts and that damn recent activity monnitor thing and look where it got ya, buncha Windows lovin' ungrateful brats! Kids with their cable modems and 2.0 this and Ruby that, they got no respect for how things should be done on the internet. Back in my day, we didn't do all this spousing around, we stalked somebody, good and proper like!

You shoulda put in a nice white background, like that nice pinkshirted fellow suggested.
posted by Grandpa Metafilter at 5:10 PM on June 21, 2009 [2 favorites]


Metafilter gets married, and Matt gets sock-puppet money as a wedding gift! This has turned out well for everybody.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:15 PM on June 21, 2009


Come along now Grandpa. Leave the godless children to their eternal damnation after their fingers fall off from all this spousing around.
posted by Grandma Metafilter at 5:24 PM on June 21, 2009 [2 favorites]


I hope it was worth the $15.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:25 PM on June 21, 2009


Oh, you.
posted by Grandma Metafilter at 5:30 PM on June 21, 2009


Pop-pop, why are you so angry all the time? When it's dark, will you tuck me in bed?
posted by Metafilter, Jr. at 6:05 PM on June 21, 2009 [2 favorites]


When it's dark, will you tuck me in bed?

SHUTUP, Johnboy!
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:26 PM on June 21, 2009


To such an one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven’s arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be – I’ll love you!
(orthogonality)

Anyone who quotes Gilbert and Sullivan songs wholesale in marriage threads should just consider themselves espousenated because I am OH MY GOD THAT MUCH OF A NERD.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:43 PM on June 21, 2009


i think we need to send grandma and grandpa to the internet home for the senile
posted by pyramid termite at 9:02 PM on June 21, 2009


Please don't take my Pop-Pop and Nana from me!

Mr. and Mrs. Metafilter won't let me stay up late at night to watch the Skinemax *tears*
posted by Metafilter, Jr. at 11:17 PM on June 21, 2009


I'm feeling pretty smart, now.

along with 10 other people, it seems
*pats Metafilter, Jr. on the head* It's ok, sweetie. Auntie's here. Grandma and Grandpa have had their meds and are sleeping now.

posted by lysdexic at 11:33 PM on June 21, 2009


Well great, now I sound like a pervert.

/not pervert-ist. Well, yeah, I am.
posted by lysdexic at 11:36 PM on June 21, 2009


Ooh, another spousing thread? Yay! The mad enspouselment continues!
posted by desuetude at 6:29 AM on June 22, 2009


It's pretty awesome to be called out for marrying too much.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:49 AM on June 22, 2009 [6 favorites]


Marisa - My paella's no good, but my chili will change your life. Let's see ... if our entire extended family's coming home for dinner, about eighty gallons of chili and twenty square yards of cornbread ought to do the job, eh?

*begins soaking beans in four bath tubs*
posted by EatTheWeak at 2:57 PM on June 22, 2009


I didn't even comment in this thread and I've been bespoused. How am I going to 'splain this to my wife?
posted by mrmojoflying at 3:10 PM on June 22, 2009


I think the proper phrase is "can you sheetrock?" because of the old double entendre there, you see.

yes. pure vermont granite
posted by terrapin at 4:56 PM on June 22, 2009


When I as my Mirror-Universe sock puppet spoused SAotB as a joke, I really didn't think it would lead to two MeTa threads. I honestly thought maybe three people would notice, tops.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:18 PM on June 22, 2009


I didn't even comment in this thread and I've been bespoused.

Same here, mrmojoflying. I got a good laugh from reading the original Great MeFi Spouse-A-Thon of 2009 thread (and this one too), but I refrained from commenting myself, so I remained single on MeFi. Or so I thought, until I checked my contacts.

I can't help but chuckle at the irony. IRL, I've been single for two years and can't seem to get a date even when I try geek-dating websites and write polite, friendly, carefully thought-out emails. But on MeFi, I get enspousellated without even contributing a single word to the MeFi marriage thread.

Oh, well. At least I don't have to worry about 'splainin my MeFi marriage to anyone.

I have nothing against MeFi marriages, but hey, y'know, while we're at it...could MeFi get me a real date? I live in a great city (Portland, OR). I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. I'm an accountant who can handle really complicated tax returns. I play board games. And I have a thing for geeks.
posted by velvet winter at 9:01 PM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


This thread needs the gamomania tag.
posted by tellurian at 9:16 PM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


When I as my Mirror-Universe sock puppet spoused SAotB as a joke, I really didn't think it would lead to two MeTa threads.

You're a 30 foot tall robot that transforms into church bells, how could we not notice?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:16 PM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


You're a 30 foot tall robot that transforms into church bells, how could we not notice?! (Brandon Blatcher)

Um, those aren't church bells, Brandon.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:41 AM on June 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Everything looks different at at 2am in the morning..
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:12 AM on June 23, 2009


I have nothing against MeFi marriages, but hey, y'know, while we're at it...could MeFi get me a real date?

Oh man. Paging mathowie! I demand that MetaDate (MetaPersonals?) be the next subsite. And the background must be pink.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 8:01 AM on June 23, 2009


I demand that MetaDate (MetaPersonals?) be the next subsite. (the littlest brussels sprout)

Wait, doesn't MeFi already have this feature?
posted by ocherdraco at 8:42 AM on June 23, 2009


doesn't MeFi already have this feature?

Apparently meetups do occasionally work that way for some MeFites. There's also been a fair bit of interest in a MeFi alternative to match.com, OKCupid, Craigslist and the like (MateFilter? MetaFlirter?), but in the past mathowie has expressed reluctance to do this because of the ads required.

Maybe something like Sweet on Geeks? I'm kind of burned out on the whole online dating thing myself, but I do like their approach.
posted by velvet winter at 3:21 PM on June 23, 2009


Also, I noted with amusement this morning that although my earlier comment did not get me a date, it did manage to get me three new MeFi spouses. So I guess I must be doing something right, eh?
posted by velvet winter at 3:29 PM on June 23, 2009


So, I've been working on a cake idea that was a plate of beans for the MeFi 10th (cause ya know...how could one more embody over thinking said beans, except to sculpt said PoB in edible marzipan?)

But now, I'm wondering if I should practice doing a wedding cake...
posted by dejah420 at 7:49 PM on June 23, 2009


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