Gently petting a salad crouton? January 9, 2012 3:14 PM   Subscribe

What does the phrase "crouton-petter" mean? I've seen it mentioned a few times lately, but I can't figure it out from context. Thanks!
posted by Blazecock Pileon to MetaFilter-Related at 3:14 PM (74 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

As near as I can tell it points back to this comment and has to do with whether you have the ability to fall in love with inanimate objects, as DUs wife was with the crouton at one point.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:17 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


It looks like it's a nonce-term inflected from this comment about DU's wife being willing to pet croutons. The internet seems never to have heard of it other than in a couple instances on Metafilter.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:18 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


Thanks!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:36 PM on January 9, 2012


Evidently, more than one person around here has feelings for inanimate objects.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:37 PM on January 9, 2012




I love that thread so much. Phalene first riffed the specific term "crouton petters," off DU's comment. It's possibly cropping up again lately because someone linked to Nattie's Shelby story in the MeTa about overlooked comments from 2011.
posted by EvaDestruction at 3:42 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Waitaminute... you mean to say it isn't perfectly normal to pet croutons, after all this time overthinking beans and portobello mushrooms and, of course, taters, I thought that MetaFilter was the Internet's #1 Salad Fetish site!

Rule #34 is calling, and it's got salad tongs.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:42 PM on January 9, 2012 [9 favorites]




It's not about love, as I read it, it's about compassion. Compassion for inanimate objects. "There, there, little crouton."
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:04 PM on January 9, 2012 [22 favorites]


you mean to say it isn't perfectly normal to pet croutons

It's fine, but they usually chicken out around 3rd base.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:07 PM on January 9, 2012


Today's challenge is to work this into a conversation.
posted by arcticseal at 4:09 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Today's challenge is to work this into a conversation.

"I'd like to make a toast: literally."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:23 PM on January 9, 2012 [13 favorites]


That's hot!
posted by carsonb at 4:26 PM on January 9, 2012


Well, since péter is, I believe, the French verb for "to fart," there are all kinds of possibilities here.
posted by spitbull at 4:26 PM on January 9, 2012


Also, it totally sounds like a Monty Python slur against the French.
posted by spitbull at 4:27 PM on January 9, 2012 [12 favorites]


How have I missed the term "crouton petter"??
posted by DU at 4:46 PM on January 9, 2012 [8 favorites]


Well, since péter is, I believe, the French verb for "to fart," there are all kinds of possibilities here.

"What's that smell?"
"Thyme."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:06 PM on January 9, 2012


Also, it totally sounds like a Monty Python slur against the French.

You mother petted croutons and your father smelt of elderberries!
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:26 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


*taunts drjimmy11 a second time*
posted by jonmc at 5:39 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


has to do with whether you have the ability to fall in love with inanimate objects, as DUs wife was with the crouton at one point.

I was alarmed when I read this because I thought you meant "wanting to have sexual relations with." I keep seeing articles on the internet about people falling in love with inanimate objects and I keep avoiding clicking on them because I assume they're going to describe sexual feelings people have towards road signs and the Eiffel Tower and try to marry them.
posted by anniecat at 5:40 PM on January 9, 2012


In short, I thought you were referring to objectophilia and that DU's wife was sexually attracted to croutons.
posted by anniecat at 5:42 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


I tried to get sexually involved with a crouton once but she always claimed she had a yeast infection.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:04 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Good titles for crouton porn: "Some Like It Crunchy", "Bakers' Dozen".
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:10 PM on January 9, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Topping Ceaser's Salad"
"A Stuffing Ingredient"
"Bottomless Salad"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:22 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Drenched In Creamy Italian"
posted by drjimmy11 at 6:25 PM on January 9, 2012 [7 favorites]


"Always Hard"
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 6:46 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Rye on Wheat II: Barely Stale"
posted by jedicus at 6:59 PM on January 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Sex Salad and the Screw-tons"
posted by chinston at 7:13 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Lettuce Toss It In Your Bowl"
posted by gman at 7:18 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Hot, Homemade, and Whole-Grain"
posted by jedicus at 7:21 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


"CroutonSupaFreak"
posted by gingerbeer at 7:23 PM on January 9, 2012 [5 favorites]


Im confused, i thought it was considered good form to pet the croutons while you toss the salad
posted by nathancaswell at 7:25 PM on January 9, 2012 [16 favorites]


"Harry Petter and the Philosopher's Stuffing"
"Harry Petter and the Cruncher of Secrets"
"Harry Petter and the Prisoner of Azcarban"
"Harry Petter and the Baguette of Fire"
"Harry Petter and the Order of the Breadsticks"
"Harry Petter and the Half-Baked Pumpernickel"
"Harry Petter and the Deathly Challahs (Parts 1 and 2)"
posted by argonauta at 7:40 PM on January 9, 2012 [11 favorites]


Behind the Green Salad
posted by jamaro at 7:55 PM on January 9, 2012 [5 favorites]


I kissed a Crouton, and I Liked It.
My Crouton's Back
Croute Croute Me Do
My Crouton From Tokyo
American Crouton
Son of a Crouton Man
Croute and Spark
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:00 PM on January 9, 2012


Nature Bok Choy
Crouton, Crouton (Listen To The Salad Talk)
posted by koeselitz at 8:20 PM on January 9, 2012


"CroutonSupaFreak"

The amount of time I spent trying to parse this until I realized it wasn't an attempted Cup O Soup reference was a lot more than you might think I'd admit.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:22 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


You freaks are weirding me out, man.
posted by ninazer0 at 8:23 PM on January 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Mama's got a salad spinner, daddy never sleeps at night"
posted by koeselitz at 8:24 PM on January 9, 2012 [9 favorites]


No, it was a reference to Mefi's Own croutonsupafreak! Who I hope is not offended that I have turned her into a porn star.
posted by gingerbeer at 8:48 PM on January 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


oh wow, this thread is going wrong in a good way...
posted by Packed Lunch at 10:01 PM on January 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Daddy was a cretin, mommy was a crouton (and I feel so blue)
posted by lukemeister at 10:06 PM on January 9, 2012


Don't Worry, Crouton (Mummy's Only Looking For Her Hand In The Salad)
posted by mintcake! at 10:25 PM on January 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


James Franco on 30 Rock discussing his feelings for his Japanese Body Pillow:
"Objects are made by men, and used for many purposes... but we never... love... objects"
posted by Chekhovian at 10:29 PM on January 9, 2012


There's no stopping the croutons from hopping.
posted by Decani at 10:50 PM on January 9, 2012 [5 favorites]


croutonsupafreak

Wait, it's Crouton Supa Freak? I always read it as Croutons Up A Freak. Which I guess is pretty supa freaky, fittingly.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:47 AM on January 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


Update: I failed, no conversation presented the opportunity to use Crouton Petter. Even the LSU debacle. I lack imagination.
posted by arcticseal at 3:33 AM on January 10, 2012


I just shot my salad all over the place
posted by nathancaswell at 4:53 AM on January 10, 2012


I am so glad there's a name for my problem. I am a lifelong crouton-petter.
posted by theredpen at 6:35 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


I nearly busted a gut laughing over Nattie's brilliant little robot story in that thread. "Why you dead, Ricky?" has become a catch phrase in our household! I should have added that comment to Faves of 2011!
posted by thinkpiece at 6:54 AM on January 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


crouton petter, are we sure it isn't a breed of dog from eastern Belgium that only pops up at the AKC shows? You know, known for its bubbly personality that reflects a penchant for rolling around in days old roadkill?
posted by Atreides at 7:03 AM on January 10, 2012


"What's that smell?"
"Thyme."


This certainly puts a new complexion on the old idioms "time passing" and "passing the time of day." I guess I have just misunderstood them all these years.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:38 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


THERE IS NO FART-JOKING IN THE CROUTON ROOM
*quickly dons safety patrol sash and badge, spreads arms wide*
posted by heyho at 7:45 AM on January 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


"There, there, little crouton."

Would go deliciously with Hang on Little Tomato.
posted by Kabanos at 7:47 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]




Oh man, that thread. It's so human, so sad and so funny.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:16 AM on January 10, 2012


When I was a kid, I thought "crouton" and "cretin" were synonymous. Talk about getting your chocolate in my peanut butter, huh?
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:21 AM on January 10, 2012


James Franco on 30 Rock discussing his feelings for his Japanese Body Pillow:
"Objects are made by men, and used for many purposes... but we never... love... objects"


Her name is Kimiko!
posted by anniecat at 9:40 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


When I was a kid, I thought "crouton" and "cretin" were synonymous.

I'm glad I wasn't there for Thanksgiving at your house.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:13 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thanks to this thread, do you know what song I've had stuck in my head all day?

"Pettin' in the Boys Room," by Mötley Croüton.
posted by argonauta at 11:05 AM on January 10, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Young, Dumb and Full of Croutons"
posted by phaedon at 11:23 AM on January 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


I was kinda hoping "crouton petter" would turn out to be a non-racist substitute for "Indian giver," but the reality is soooo much better.
posted by steef at 12:02 PM on January 10, 2012


I had this username for about five years before I even realized that anybody might think it implied anything other than I really like croutons. You know, when I eat them. With my MOUTH.

There was a time when it was my email address, used to apply for jobs and everything (back in the '90s, when weird email addresses were more common). In retrospect, I wonder what kind of message my grandma thought I was trying to send.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 12:54 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


"CroutonSupaFreak II: With Her MOUTH"
posted by Kabanos at 2:08 PM on January 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


I need to be in this thread but have nothing interesting to say.
posted by captaincrouton at 2:43 PM on January 10, 2012 [3 favorites]


Captaincrouton, meet croutonsupafreak.

I think the rest of us should go now and leave these two alone
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:20 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Devils Rancher? More like Crouton Rancher. Hurr hurr.
posted by gingerest at 3:24 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just me and my pygmy pony, and my trusty salad fork. And this rustic flask of ranch dressing.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:32 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


You know, when I eat them. With my MOUTH.

ooooooh yeah tell me more
posted by nathancaswell at 3:59 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sick fetishists.

Melba toast is where the sexy sex is.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:01 PM on January 10, 2012


I had baked french toast yesterday during the LSU game, it was good, but so sweet I think I need new tooth enamel.
posted by arcticseal at 6:37 PM on January 10, 2012


"Pettin' in the Boys Room," by Mötley Croüton

When I was about 9 or 10, my older brother brought his awesome Trapper Keeper home from middle school. At one point he had printed Mötley Crüe Rules on it in big-ass letters, and I kept searching in vain for the list printed underneath, itemizing the rules this German band followed.

Basically, what I'm saying is that I admit having a problem with understanding the deeper truths behind statements about pet croutons and hair metal bands.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:16 PM on January 10, 2012 [7 favorites]


I made an impact! /sniffles, and got mentioned in a metalk without someone saying "don't do this!" I'm so proud.
posted by Phalene at 6:58 AM on January 11, 2012


Basically, what I'm saying is that I admit having a problem with understanding the deeper truths behind statements about pet croutons and hair metal bands.

Well, sure, the hair metal bands weren't really capable of exploring deeper truths. Mötley Croüton and Quiet FryItInButter and Guns N' Doughses and their ilk were totally derivative, just sugar-coating (or garlic-salt-coating, as it were) more profound themes, like whether the existence of a tossed salad means that there must have been a Divine Tosser, and whether we are prisoners perceiving something to be buttery and crunchy when in fact it is a mere shadow of true buttery crunchiness (a.k.a. Plato's Saute Pan).

You'll find much more effective explorations of these themes by going a little further back. Try Bread Zeppelin's works such as "D'yer Baker," "Whole Lotta Loaf," "Stairway to Leavening," and "Hey, Hey What Can I Cube"... or even Petallica's "Enter Branman" or "Wherever I May Crumb."
posted by argonauta at 8:09 AM on January 11, 2012 [6 favorites]


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