Take my jokes... please! March 22, 2013 6:51 PM   Subscribe

I'd like to thank AskMe for the post on punch lines without jokes.

My grandfather died in August and was a noted teller of bad jokes. While I couldn't provide any answers - as his jokes were more of a "Did you hear about the guy with the thing? It wasn't really a thing!" variety - it sounds like exactly the sort of document he would have left behind as we were sure he somehow had a joke file somewhere for truly, so many bad jokes.

The thread has been a really nice memory of some truly stupid jokes. So sorry for your loss, dmd. I thank your dad for his cryptic joke file.
posted by sonika to MetaFilter-Related at 6:51 PM (47 comments total) 25 users marked this as a favorite

Agreed. My husband doesn't always "get" what it is that I love so much about MetaFilter but when I showed him that thread he understood. My heart goes out to dmd and I think any of us would have loved to have met his father. Truly the best of AskMe.
posted by mireille at 7:08 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, that is a great thread.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:17 PM on March 22, 2013

That thread is a thing of beauty.
posted by homunculus at 7:27 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

I am adoring that thread. Also, I'm now planning on leaving behind a document of just punch lines because this is the best thing ever.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:43 PM on March 22, 2013 [4 favorites]

AskMe helped me figure out if a medal I found after my father passed was his, and if so, from what part of his service. It was from a now decommissioned division, which was why I was having trouble with the Google. I figured out where and why he got it with help from here. I got a sweet note from a mod after that asking if I was okay.

Sometimes I think there is no bottom to the heart of MetaFilter.
posted by Toekneesan at 8:09 PM on March 22, 2013 [15 favorites]

It's a really wonderful thread.
posted by rtha at 8:10 PM on March 22, 2013

I want to leave behind a document of punch lines, but my survivors have to invent the jokes to go along with them, because it sounds like fun.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:14 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

That thread was so touching!
posted by radioamy at 8:17 PM on March 22, 2013

No, she went of her own accord.
posted by Decani at 8:44 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

That was a lovely thread. It's the kind of thing lots of people do, very human.
posted by Miko at 8:44 PM on March 22, 2013

My mother loves that Wendy joke to bits. Great thread.
posted by arcticseal at 8:51 PM on March 22, 2013

Mine would look like:

...to stamp out burning ducks!
anyone can roast beef.
because she didn't have any arms.
a stick.
right where you left him
the irish guy picks the fly up by the leg, shakes it and says "spit it all out"
same kind of people who name their rottweiler Jesus
drunk whale, go home steve you're drunk
works pretty good, doesn't it
fuck you, clown!
a happy pit bull
Dr. Dre
you can bet your ass it won't be the cheerios
unique up on it; the tame way
grass, i lied about the wheels
ve have vays of making you tock
lets go ride bikes!
bring anything you want, just gonna be you and me
you're a very bad dog!
middle turtle jumps out and says "just for that i'm not fucking going!"

I have AskMe and MeTa to thank for many of these...
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:07 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

I saw the thread come up and thought "Yeah, right" but then of course people started to quickly take the list apart and provide the setups/jokes.

Glad this one got a good call out. I feel like there really would be nowhere else to go to get the kind of response that it got here.
posted by dogwalker at 9:14 PM on March 22, 2013

That's one for the annals of Great Moments In AskMe.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:22 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

A fish swims into a wall. "Dam!" he says.
posted by maryr at 9:26 PM on March 22, 2013 [4 favorites]

I couldn't figure out how to say it in the AskMe, but what a wonderful thing that on the day DMD's father died - a day that I can't imagine how painful it must be - DMD is able to do something that involved the father's humor, and involves laughter.

Thinking about my own father's death gives me the screaming willies right now (I turn into a five-year-old who insists her daddy isn't going to die, never ever ever), but this seems like such the kind of thing he'd do that I'm torn between knowing it would break my heart if he did, and hoping he does.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:56 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yup. Loving that thread.
posted by gingerbeer at 10:06 PM on March 22, 2013

It IS chicken shit. Want to buy a toothbrush?
posted by ColdChef at 10:28 PM on March 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

ColdChef, that is my favourite joke ever.
posted by empatterson at 11:01 PM on March 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'd like to thank all the little people.

Except I can't because I killed them all.
posted by philip-random at 12:23 AM on March 23, 2013

That thread is truly amazing. I opened it expecting that people would lecture the poster on how they shouldn't be worrying about jokes on the day of their father's death. Instead it was filled with jokes and kind condolences. Awwwwww.
posted by medusa at 12:26 AM on March 23, 2013

I'd like to thank all the little people.

Whups. The punchline only version:

Except I can't because I killed them all.

now you've gone and ruined it.
posted by philip-random at 12:33 AM on March 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

Even though I've used "You don't understand: X is the name of my dog" as a nonsense line in conversation before, I never actually knew the joke it came from before today.

Which makes me wonder where the hell I actually heard all the other ones that I knew -- I haven't heard or told a traditional story/punchline joke since I was in school, but they all feel so familiar. I wonder if non-english cultures have the same versions or a completely different set.

(also I originally heard the 'bunga bunga' joke used with the words 'mau mau' instead).
posted by rollick at 3:09 AM on March 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah - meals with my grandfather used to end with rounds of shaggy dog stories. I miss him. That thread made me smile.
posted by ChuraChura at 5:57 AM on March 23, 2013

Ooh, I know two of those, allkindsoftime:

What's brown and sticky?

a stick.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

If we can figure out all of them now, you never have to die!
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:09 AM on March 23, 2013 [5 favorites]

right where you left him

Even though my kids cringe visibly when I tell it, this is my favorite joke of all time. (Told it to my 18 year old niece a couple of weeks ago. She didn't laugh, she simply disagreed - suggested that unless you weighted him down, he could roll away. I swear, the kid will argue any point.)

a stick

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?
posted by she's not there at 7:20 AM on March 23, 2013

alternatively, what's brown and sticky?
posted by vibratory manner of working at 8:05 AM on March 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

No problem. Two, three days, fall off all by itself.
Standing up. In a hammock.
Thing I don't understand is why your guts don't fall out.
posted by Bruce H. at 8:31 AM on March 23, 2013

...nothing, he ain't coming anyway...
posted by mule98J at 9:43 AM on March 23, 2013

My dad was less of a joke teller and more of an accomplished bullshitter. Snipe hunting, fake stories about how towns got their names, and so on.

The other day my husband (also a bullshitter) told my son and his friend that if they didn't behave, it was into the stewpot with them. Son's friend was alarmed. "Your dad wouldn't really do that, would he?"

Son, never cracking a smile: "Oh yeah. He's gonna put us in the stew."

Husband had to intervene before actual tears happened. But I was still, so proud.
posted by emjaybee at 11:21 AM on March 23, 2013 [11 favorites]

Nice work, AskMe.
posted by scratch at 11:40 AM on March 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

I wonder if non-english cultures have the same versions or a completely different set.

I'm none too widely traveled, but more than once I've had a joke translated for me only to go "oh, yeah, I know that one, except in our version he's hiding in the fridge".
posted by brennen at 1:20 PM on March 23, 2013

My husband is a big time bullshitter and likes to be really stubborn about "believing" things that are very obviously untrue. We had to have some talks when we decided to have kids about where to draw the line so that I didn't get calls from school about things like "your son has told the class that Vikings were tall because they absorbed sunlight through their faces."

A regular Calvin's dad in the making.
posted by sonika at 2:45 PM on March 23, 2013 [2 favorites]

Thank you so much everybody!

His best friends are memorializing him over here, and it's been wonderful reading that thread as well...
posted by dmd at 4:55 PM on March 23, 2013 [6 favorites]

Gosh, your dad seems like he was such a nice guy. I loved reading the joke thread (what an amazing thing, your dad inadvertently arranging for your friends to tell you jokes all day long on the day he dies) and the lyrics to his Real Country Song are adorable. So different from when my dad died. It makes me happy to see how it can be.
posted by HotToddy at 6:56 PM on March 23, 2013 [21 favorites]

dmd, your father looks exactly as I had imagined him in those pictures! What a lovely outpouring of affection in that thread. Those guitar people are cool as hell.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:46 PM on March 23, 2013

I guess this the place where I give a public shout out to Toekneesan for mentioning Señor Wences and his subsequent comment: "S'alright? S'alright. that was his catch phrase".

In a couple episodes of The Simpsons, Bart would make his hand talk and I had NO IDEA what the hell he was referencing to or what he was saying. Seriously, I wondered about that for years. So when I saw that comment yesterday I was like "YES THANK YOU!".

So THANK YOU Toekneesan!
posted by littlesq at 8:25 PM on March 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

I have never actually seen Senor Wences, but my dad really enjoys saying "S'aright? S'alright. S'okay? S'okay." So, yeah, I'd say I'm pretty familiar with his work.
posted by maryr at 10:54 PM on March 23, 2013

I want to leave behind a document of punch lines

That's basically my credit report.
posted by empath at 5:28 AM on March 24, 2013 [3 favorites]

I LOVE Senor Wences. I only knew him because of the Muppet Show, so he got kind of a boomerang boost for my generation.
posted by Miko at 6:39 AM on March 24, 2013

It's funny because I wondered if it was even worth mentioning. I thought, everyone knows who Señor Wences is, but just in case, I'll link him. That one hasn't been tackled yet. Of course I thought that only because I'm in complete denial about my age. Not everyone is familiar with television staples of the Sixties, probably because that was half a CENTURY ago.
posted by Toekneesan at 8:24 AM on March 24, 2013

I have had it on my "future FPPs" list for some time to make a Senor Wences post. Last time I thought about it I wasn't super thrilled with the video that was available, so it might be worth another try now. But Mazel Tov if you get to it before I do..
posted by Miko at 8:57 AM on March 24, 2013

My father was another one who was more bullshitter (or as he preferred to say, he told sea stories) than straight-up jokester, although he could and did do that too. Gawd I miss those stories now.

Anyhow.... Since he was a career Navy sailor, one of the things he taught his first grandchild was to say something was to port or to starboard. This worked well until she got into kindergarden, where she absolutely refused to accept the teacher's left-or-right instructions: "You're wrong, because my Grandpop says it's port and starboard." The teacher called in the kid's mother to correct this, but no dice: the kid would not budge, because, as she just kept repeating, "Grandpop says so."

The teacher finally had to call my father in for a grandparent-teacher conference, where he was ordered to straighten out the kid; he told her to use left and right, because "these are civilians, and they just don't know any better."
posted by easily confused at 12:08 PM on March 24, 2013 [13 favorites]

I was surprised that the list didn't contain "Hell, if I could find my car keys, we could drive out."
posted by Grangousier at 4:18 PM on March 24, 2013

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Proving once again: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Yes, I'm positive!
posted by slogger at 12:56 PM on March 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

I never got around to posting the comment, but I was inclined to raise a toast to dmd's dad in thanks for inspiring such a great thread, and to all those MeFites who helpfully filled in the blanks. A wonderful tribute to what I imagine was a really fun guy.

"Admit it, Frank, You don't really come here for the hunting" made my day.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:51 PM on March 26, 2013

Story in The Atlantic's Tech section this morning:
How Metafilter Brought a Deceased Father's Jokes Back to Life
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:02 AM on April 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

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