Fucking Fuck XV September 21, 2018 4:07 PM   Subscribe

I can barely do regular numbers much less Roman ones. Either way, come in to screech freely about political omnishambles ongoing.

Also, I want to extend my deepest sympathies to those having to relive traumatic bullshit. My sister was date raped when she was 17. I'm lucky that I didn't have to experience that. We were very close and I knew immediately when she was talking about the night before that what happened was very very wrong. And it made me trust men even less. Still don't.
posted by yoga to MetaFilter-Related at 4:07 PM (524 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

Fuck Brett Kavanagh, first for being such an all-around horrible human being, second for opening wounds across the entire nation as his hypocritical façade of probity collapses like a House of Cards minor villain's. No wonder a corrupt rapist like Trump picked him as the ultimate "fuck you" to the American justice system.
posted by Doktor Zed at 4:16 PM on September 21 [18 favorites]


Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:20 PM on September 21 [5 favorites]


Fuck. This. With. Fire.
posted by WordCannon at 4:24 PM on September 21 [2 favorites]


That Ted Cruz sure is a piece of shit.
posted by contraption at 4:24 PM on September 21 [16 favorites]


cw: sexual assault, republicans, self-harm

fuuuuuuuuuuck that Minnesota state Rep. Jim Knoblach shit. right to hell.

my abuse had zero sexual component (other than the usual Catholic, "if you have sexual urges you are inherently evil" ...enormity), but by the time i got to Laura checking herself into the ER for thoughts of self-harm, I was broken

at least my sister expressed shock at what our mother did to me. at least i made it to economic... almost? stability? before the trauma came due. at least my abuser isn't a public figure.

i live in fargo, i had to drive past a giant cramer banner to get out of my work parking lot.

i bought bourbon for the first time in months.

i am safe and i got the computer touchpad so i don't have to deal with that fucking mouse-nub now. life's getting better and better.
posted by wires at 4:27 PM on September 21 [8 favorites]


Cruz is one of those garbage souls who I inadvertently visualize pulling of his own jaw mid-sentence and stabbing himself with it. I hate how much fucking hate these assholes engender in me because it feels awful. I never felt it when they were in check but it’s sure been a big ol cyst since 2016.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:33 PM on September 21 [8 favorites]


i absolutely cannot believe that i'm asking for heitcamp donations for my birthday. she torpedoed the gun control legislation after... which one was it? I can't believe I'm giving money to the "democrat" who scuttled legislation to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally ill after there was a shooting and there's been somany school shootings i can't even remember which one.

but that's how you pull them left. you give them money, you give them votes, you give them mandate, you shame them in private and work for them in public.

god. damn. this. country.
posted by wires at 4:34 PM on September 21 [11 favorites]


All the women I know are on the fucking warpath right now. Like, it's been bad for a couple years, obviously, but right now nothing comes out but a string of expletives whenever I and the other women I know open our mouths. I'm pinging rapidly between anxiety, depression, and incandescent anger. Also I'm rapidly running out of spoons but I know this shit freight train ain't gonna stop.

Everything feels so terrible right now.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:40 PM on September 21 [46 favorites]


I need to call Chuck Grassley's office, because he's my senator, and I don't think I can do it. I think the dam will break. I think I will just scream obscenities for five minutes until the voicemail thing cuts out.

This is such a weird mindfuck for someone who grew up in D.C. "Georgetown Prep in the '80s was a hotbed of grotesque toxic masculinity" was a fact of my adolescent life, but I didn't expect it to become national news.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 4:41 PM on September 21 [12 favorites]


TGIF everybody
posted by Rust Moranis at 4:43 PM on September 21 [6 favorites]


I'm really curious as to how living in constant stress is going to play out in public health over the next 20-25 years.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 4:44 PM on September 21 [48 favorites]


I cannot fucking believe that Yeti pubes & mushroom dick was just three days ago.
posted by mhum at 4:44 PM on September 21 [11 favorites]


Yeti pubes and Toad debasement are forever. They can’t be taken back.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:53 PM on September 21 [6 favorites]


manifort flipped like, what 4 days ago

have this wild feeling the whole damn world's gonna end before october

or american women are going to literally eat each and every last republican at the chillest bbq dc has ever seen, and the dickshits will be scared into submission for generations and the only history that comes out of said bbq is whispers that inform politics until humanity collectively uploads itself into the cloud and fucks off out of this boring milky way for the big galaxy where we're going to do amazing things that totally overshadow this dismal highschool-assed epoch

why yes i am listening to cosmic black metal by wormlust while i typethis comment
posted by wires at 4:55 PM on September 21 [23 favorites]


TGIF everybody

Toad Got It Front-paged
posted by Barack Spinoza at 4:57 PM on September 21 [6 favorites]


Left voicemails for my senators. Took pauses to try to calm down, but my messages probably sound lunatic anyway.

I've been undergoing EMDR for sexual assault trauma, and I couldn't get where I needed to go in this week's session. Instead the therapist and I talked about how triggering the news and the current state of affairs is in general, for me and most of her patients. For her, too, I think, not that that's something we'd talk about.

I can't sleep. There's a pendulum swinging, and either there's a weight on my chest and I'm terrified or I'm apathetic about absolutely everything. I hate it.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:57 PM on September 21 [22 favorites]


Well, it finally happened - my activism happy place (Postcards to Voters) disappointed me. I trust them to pick good campaigns and I will basically write for any Democrat who isn't a sexual harasser at this point, so I don't really research before requesting addresses, so today I grabbed 10 for Gil Cisneros and OH. HA. HAHA. I'm going to request they be reassigned to other writers and say that I have a policy of not evaluating sexual harassment claims. There are hundreds of other Democrats for me to support, I don't need to spend a single moment in this godforsaken week trying to weigh the legitimacy of the claims against Cisneros. Perhaps some of Postcards to Voters' male writers can finish his list. HO. HOHO. (note: there are hardly any male writers)

I'm ready for 100% women in the legislature and judiciary. Any time now.
posted by sunset in snow country at 5:04 PM on September 21 [29 favorites]


south carolina filth left two female prisoners chained up in the back of a van that flooded while the filth themselves escaped. they left them to fucking drown and i want to play with their blood.

men don't know how lucky they are that the vast majority of women are socialized against violence.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:37 PM on September 21 [57 favorites]

south carolina filth left two female prisoners chained up in the back of a van that flooded while the filth themselves escaped. they left them to fucking drown and i want to play with their blood.
They weren't prisoners in the traditional sense of the word. They had voluntarily sought treatment for mental health crises, and they were being transported to the hospital. There is so fucking much wrong with this story that I don't even know where to begin.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:43 PM on September 21 [57 favorites]


I'm ready for 100% women in the legislature and judiciary

here for that
posted by Miko at 5:45 PM on September 21 [15 favorites]


american women are going to literally eat each and every last republican at the chillest bbq dc has ever seen

here for this
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:55 PM on September 21 [31 favorites]


I just can't get over how fucking transparent all the bullshit is and how little that matters. We can wait a full year to replace Scalia but we can't accommodate three fucking days now. I'd say you're not fooling anyone but apparently you are.
posted by ckape at 6:03 PM on September 21 [15 favorites]


One of my closest friends started her own company, and it's been wildly successful, so once a quarter, everybody goes out for a fancy dinner on the firm. Drinks! Appetizers! Desserts! Cabs home for everyone!

I get invited, partially as a thank-you for various things that I help them with, partially as a recruiting tool because my friend would very much like me to go work for her, and partially because my friend is a good friend. And last night, at the end of dinner when things were starting to break up, I told her about the coworker who sent me an e-mail about how Ford is Bad and Not Credible, along with the fact that I'd been sexually assaulted. And she became incandescent with rage, and ended up yelling profanities in the middle of the restaurant about what an asshole the guy was, and how this was not acceptable, and he needed to be told about his hateful misogyny.

Granted, we were in the middle of a very loud, very hip restaurant in full roar, so I'm not sure anybody else really heard her? But I felt very loved and very seen and just deeply, deeply grateful to not just her, but the lovely other lady mefites who sent me kind messages after I posted about that and made me feel less sad and angry and alone. It gave me the strength to get through a long day full of challenging meetings and work, and then, at the end, spend an hour write the dude a carefully-considered, polite, but very blunt e-mail, to which he responded with six words in like, five minutes. But I'm going to make cookie dough and cuddle my husband, who understood when I started telling him what happened but burst into tears.

Anyways, I know this is a fucking fuck thread, but I also want to say: we are sad, and we are angry, but if you are reading this, you are not alone.
posted by joyceanmachine at 6:08 PM on September 21 [73 favorites]


cw, literally everything in the news:

is this the thread to mention that this one guy, the only human who ever tried to talk to me about the Flat Tax, went on to murder his wife who was cowering in a locked closet while his kids were at home and the cops fucked it up so bad that he's suing for having his civil rights violated AND he kept custody of his grade school god damn those poor fucking kids? because that guy lives across the street from my parents, and I think about that a lot.

this was like 5 years ago but it never stopped in my mind, and when I think of a generic republican, I think of his shit ass haircut, his domineering, aggressive, "George Liquor, AMERICAN" -assed "HEY NEIGHBOR, HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE FLAT TAX" golf playing femicidal toxic humanity would be so much better if he'd never been born

fun trivia, this all went down like less than a quarter mile from Justice Roberts' childhood home.

what the FUCK is with prep school boy catholics. speaking as a recovering boy catholic though no prep school I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK
posted by wires at 6:23 PM on September 21 [27 favorites]


"True to form."

Beto's great.
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 6:55 PM on September 21 [4 favorites]


Coming here from the catch-all thread, where whoa WTF, Hannity is beaming messages directly at Trump on the teevee. Like, I know we all know that the mean cackling voices whisper secrets to the President through the television at night when he's watching Fox News... but can we all, just for a moment, appreciate how totally fucking not-normal it is, how screamingly, mind-bendingly absurd, that a pundit will take a moment on air to just, you know, "have a message for the president"?

FUUUUUUUUUHUUUCK
posted by duffell at 7:39 PM on September 21 [12 favorites]


One day Seanny will utter the Manchurian Candidate string on air and trump will finally go and shoot someone in front of Trump Tower.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:41 PM on September 21 [9 favorites]


Grassley's twitter over the last hour:
"Five times now we hv granted extension for Dr Ford to decide if she wants to proceed w her desire stated one wk ago that she wants to tell senate her story Dr Ford if u changed ur mind say so so we can move on I want to hear ur testimony. Come to us or we to u"

Then:
"Judge Kavanaugh I just granted another extension to Dr Ford to decide if she wants to proceed w the statement she made last week to testify to the senate She shld decide so we can move on I want to hear her. I hope u understand. It’s not my normal approach to b indecisive"

Clearly, Chuck isn't indecisive, Dr. Ford's the indecisive one, and he's informing everyone via Twitter. Incidentally, he's a huge Prince fan.

The fuck - I swear I thought this was a JOKE account, what is going on?! Latest:

"With all the extensions we give Dr Ford to decide if she still wants to testify to the Senate I feel like I’m playing 2nd trombone in the judiciary orchestra and Schumer is the conductor"

I'm on the cusp of becoming one of those particle physics conspiracy theorists, because things started going wonky when the Tevatron first fired up in the heartland and the process only keeps accelerating.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:13 PM on September 21 [2 favorites]


I'm trying to get the fire back, in this part of the world. I don't know how I'm gonna pull it off in the next five weeks, but I'm gonna do my damnedest.

we had a debate watch party last night, and it was just my boss and I at the end, packing up. I put my laptop cord in my bag and just. burst out sobbing, for no real reason I could identify. I hate crying in front of people, and I hate it most in front of my boss. he just sort of sat down six feet away from me and made little soothing, inquisitive noises at the computer until I was done. it was a weird kindness.

I've got a lot of doors to knock this weekend, but Tuesday is National Voter Registration Day and I get to hit the campus with like ten clipboards and it's going to be the most fun. if that doesn't do it for me, I don't know what will.
posted by dogheart at 9:19 PM on September 21 [17 favorites]


Fucking fucking fuck. I went to a high school with rampant sexual violence (in a place that was by no stretch of the imagination affluent but did have the sports culture/entitlement thing going on) in the late 80s/early 90s. I myself didn't get sexually assaulted at any parties for a complicated and fucked up set of reasons including actively avoiding most parties and not being considered a desirable conquest, but a whole lot of people I knew did. If I remember those stories with crystal clarity and feel traumatized remembering them, I can just imagine what the people they actually happened to are feeling. Fuck every single person who's minimizing, excusing, or denying how very many young women this happens to and the futility of telling when you know no one with power in your community has your back. Fuck.

Also fuck every force in the United States that allows gun violence to spread unchecked and sabotages/underfunds/tries to use lawsuits to suppress efforts to fix it.

Also, fuck pretty much everything else.
posted by centrifugal at 9:28 PM on September 21 [15 favorites]


I got in a fight with my husband this week over Mr. Rogers. My 5 year old has recently discovered Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on Amazon and is entranced. My husband has been watching it with her for weeks. Anyways, the other night I was sitting on the couch while they watched the show, reading an e-book on my phone to distract myself from the terribleness of everything everywhere but in particular...

Being estranged from my family of origin over my anti Trump beliefs. This is led by my reality denying narcissist mother, who is the most Trump like person I have known. I feel like my personal hell has been upscaled on a national level over the past few years.

Also being sexually assaulted by a catholic prep school rich boy as a teenager - though mine actually succeeded in his attempt. This whole Kavanaugh thing is a triggering nightmare.

In related news, I lost about half of my social circle earlier this year for standing with victims against a charismatic abuser. Then recently lost about half of the people I had left when I confronted a close friend after witnessing her emotionally abuse her daughter in an extremely damaging way that was similar to how I was abused as a child. These people were my kids' social circle too, so it's sucked watching them learn the lesson that doing the right thing is not always rewarded.

Anyways - these are some of the things I'm attempting distraction from. It's not working. My husband notices (my face) and asks me what's wrong. I shrug and tell him I don't want to get into it. I say this because I know his answer will be “put your phone down and watch Mr. Rogers with us.” He had a good childhood. He is a caring person who is upset at the way the world is currently but hasn't been personally assaulted by it in the ways I have. While I think Fred Rogers was arguably one of the greatest men the US has spawned, I didn't grow up watching him. I was out of the country from 3-5 and when I returned it wasn't something on at our house. No Sesame Street or kid TV. I watched what my mom watched. Soaps, news and talk shows. I'm not nostalgic about Mr. Rogers or much from my youth at all, because my childhood was a mishmash of trauma and emotional abuse. While I'm glad for all of the lessons my daughter is learning from Mr. Rogers, these are not lessons that I as a 38 year old woman need. Absent the nostalgia factor, it is not the type of distraction I need. So, knowing what was coming, I didn't want to talk about things. He wouldn't let it go, so I told him all of the things that were weighing on me, ending up in tears. What I wanted was some validation that the world is terrible and evil sucks and maybe like...a hug? I have communicated multiple times in the past that this is what I need in situations like this.

He took my phone out of my hand (assuming I was reading Metafilter or news) and said on cue “Don't think about any of that right now, it doesn't matter. Just sit back and let Mr. Rogers take care of you”. When I declined he got defensive and implied that giving mental space to bad people instead of good folks like Mr. Rogers was part of what was making me so sad. I lost it and spent an hour in my room crying before coming out and going into a long tirade about why not everyone is comforted by things from their youth and that I have a right to my completely valid emotions about the world being terrible. He was sorry and I'm pretty sure gets it but I still ended up feeling like my misery is in part my own fault for giving mental space to bad things.

Spent a few days getting past that and then today’s Google doodle was forking Mr. Rogers. I started crying when I saw it and now I'm sad because what kind of fucking person doesn't love Mr. Rogers.
posted by Lapin at 10:10 PM on September 21 [47 favorites]


lapin, no one has to love Mr. Rogers to be a good person.

His program was rarely viewed in my house as I was growing up - the kids in my family found his speech patterns really off-putting. (And the voices he did for the puppets! We were bewildered.) The adults ruled the set and dictated much of what we watched, anyway; I also saw way too much adult-oriented drama, Benny Hill-type stuff, talk shows, and the like. Any appreciation I have for Rogers developed much later on. Mostly I like that he was kind, and decent, and took such care in his work.

But I wouldn't take comfort in watching an old episode, either. I'm sorry you're sad.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:38 PM on September 21 [16 favorites]


My nine month old cat likely has cancer.
posted by daybeforetheday at 2:29 AM on September 22 [8 favorites]


Fuck, that's awful.
posted by contraption at 3:31 AM on September 22 [1 favorite]


I really wish I didn't have to even think about asking for even more emotional labor but MORE ANGRY WOMEN PLEASE OH PLEASE!

I am mad as fucking hell and right there with you.

FUUUUUUCK THIS BULLLLLLSHIT KEEP FIGHTING.
posted by loquacious at 3:35 AM on September 22 [2 favorites]


[original post] [first fucking update]

Update to My Fucking Situation
Mr. Ant is still stuck in Canada and we've chosen the safest path, which is for me to file an I-130 (petition for alien relative) which has a ~6 month processing time. In the meantime some friends volunteered to drive Mr. Ant's van, full of clothes and his bicycle and stuff, to him in Toronto. About an hour ago they were turned around at the border by the Canadians, who wanted to tax the van and all its contents in case Mr. Ant doesn't return to the US.

This development is unwelcome because now he has to buy all new winter clothes and still doesn't have a vehicle with him. It also signals that Canada is unlikely to let me in for a visit, on the chance that I will want to stay there with my husband. So I probably won't be able to see my husband of ten years for another six months (it's already been 2.5 months.)

Here's us, in happier times.
posted by workerant at 4:15 AM on September 22 [35 favorites]


Oh look at that, it's the 15th anniversary of fucking fuck fuck! I believe crystal is traditionally given.

Here you go!
posted by Fizz at 4:38 AM on September 22 [3 favorites]


*That's a middle finger to the trash fire that is politics/news/media/etc. Not to anyone here in the community.*
posted by Fizz at 5:42 AM on September 22 [1 favorite]


Workerant, is there anything Toronto locals can do to help? Like, say, me? I am not personally a source of things he’d want to borrow, but would he want to borrow things if I and/or others could source them?
posted by wellred at 6:20 AM on September 22 [3 favorites]


I'd like to explicate on my "oh please, please more angry women" comment, because it can be really easily misframed as in context of more abuse even to immenatize the fucking eschaton, which isn't my intent in the slightest.

I can't and shouldn't be asking for anything anyway from anyone, much less all women, anywhere, or asking them to have the energy to be angry. I'm weary. I'm only getting slivers and fragments of what it really means. I... I can't even and want to weep and Margret Atwood is too gentle and now even Ursula K. LeGuin seems not radical enough and an intentionally gentle line in the sand, like someone trying to guide a flood over the sand down the right arroyo with nothing but a stick.

It's something I'm currently negotiating in a deep way and I want to scream.

At me. My past/current self for entrenched internalized and externalized misogyny and my friends and how I'm stuck in limbo and thank the dirt and sky that women get and and have held space for me and helped me understand things.

I have basically all the male privilege I'd like to have, most of it I haven't, with none of the socialized risk and...

What the hell is wrong with humanity?

...for an example I just had another lovely moment this morning with a community friend and friend of friend and he's such a gentle, delicate and warm human being and he's.. he's apologizing for using "dude" and "man" and checking in with me and I'm still like "I will let you know and I wouldn't be here at this afterparty if I didn't think every last one of you would not respect anyone's pronouns... and I'm still just months into my journey, and we're so cool.

But more so - hi, that default "oh man, that sucks" or "hey, dude, that's not cool" as default for all us dudes and chicks in this party is "hey man, can i have a smoke" even when it's two queer/bi or unrelentingly gay women is just the start of the skin of this fucked up onion.

If you'd have asked me as recently as a few months ago how to fix any of this or strive for real gender equality and freedom, I would have tried enthusiasm over expertise.

It irritates me to even think about it right now. I'm actually holding up those modes of thought and finding plenty of reasons to think with all validity "You dumb asshole, no."
posted by loquacious at 7:21 AM on September 22 [9 favorites]


I - like so many women and so many men - am having the triggeredest week of my life. And that's a lot, for this administration. While my parents know I was sexually harassed doing fieldwork, I didn't tell them about being assaulted (though my dad reads metafilter occasionally and so maybe he's read things I've written here, I don't know). I have wonderful loving parents and I didn't tell them what happened and my decision not to report my assault has nothing to do with how much they love me. I can't even verbalize things right now, I'm just so angry and so frustrated and so keyed up. I just read this article about Dr. Ford in the Washington Post and it resonates in different ways. The guy who assaulted me is in the US now, is married now, has a daughter, but I don't think I have to worry much about him gaining political power. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do what she did and I'm fucking angry that I have to think about this now and I'm so angry that this is our conversation now. Fuck fuck fuck.
posted by ChuraChura at 10:19 AM on September 22 [30 favorites]


I am currently an "We're going to build a world based on love and mutual support instead of depredation and domination and we can do that hand in hand with you or on top of your graves, motherfuckers. Capisce?" amount of salty.
posted by ob1quixote at 10:22 AM on September 22 [24 favorites]


Trigger: Sexual Assault.

I have been following this Why I Didn't Report hashtag, and I wanted to thank so many women for coming forward and so many woman who explained why they can't. It was difficult, holy, testimony.

It made me think about what happened to me. I was assaulted repeatedly, in grade seven and eight, by three people. This was 1993 and 1994. This was just sexual assault, not physical or emotional abuse. I told my folks in 1997. I went to the hospital in 1995, and no one asked about how going away to school affected me. I was not encouraged to report at any time between 1995 and 1997.

Around that time, one of the students who went to the same school lost three toes at a dog sled run. He got some money from the school, and I talked to his lawyer, who could not or would not take the case.

I reported in 1999. I was not allowed access to a detective. I went to the cops at the front desk , in downtown Edmonton, and was told that their was not enough evidence.

I tried again around 2002, when I was living in Toronto, before I went to the U of T. I was told I had to go to an RCMP detachment, that they could not accept a statement from Toronto police, or a video statement, or could not take a statement over the phone. They told me I had to go to Milton, to deliver a statement over the phone.

Just after I started seeing Jason as a therapist, I decided I would no longer go to the police (2005 or so?). I went to a lawyer, who told me that there was not enough evidence and I could not report the teacher who did assault me.

All of these interactions were for the teacher, and were not for other boys who assaulted me.

Two years ago, an old boy talked to me via messenger. He told me that a group of people had accused the teacher, and that he was arrested, sent to trial, and was not convicted. I learnt the following timeline: The teacher was fired from a prominent English boarding school because they assumed he was doing things he shouldn't with the boys. He went back to Canada, went to school, got a Master's in Education, and then was hired by the school where he did what he did to me (talking to other boys, no one has come forward with levels of such explicitness). He left the school for a few years, taught in the Caribbean, was hired back, taught in Africa and the Middle East, and was arrested at Heathrow on Christmas break.

Hearing this I went to a journalist, who wrote about the story. I went to a lawyer, who refused to take the case. After every other option, I went to the cops.

In the last two years, I have gone to the police in Hamilton, where they recorded a statement, and sent that statement to the RCMP in the region where the assault took place. We know where the teacher is. Every two or three months or so, I call the police officer who is in charge of the case, We have a five minute conversation, where he tells me charges seem forthcoming, and charges never quite seem to come.

Every so often, a woman from the crown office, calls me, and says, the case is open, but no charges are laid. She is lovely, and she knows the difficulty of her job. I have two people who tell me every few months that the crown has not delivered charges.

Last year, I talked to the Criminal Injury Review Board. They turned down compensation, because I was not traumatized enough and too much time had passed. I appealed, and they asked documents that my GP was supposed to delivered by the end of August. I am sure that she did, but they don't have them, so I am not sure if the documents being late means that the appeal has failed. I was going to use that money to pay Jason, and I am now several thousands of dollars in the hole to him.

None of the other people who assaulted me have been charged.

In the moral calculus of our lives, we talk about who reports or who doesn't report, or we talk about why people cannot get over the trauma of high school. We talk about the moral courage of people who report, thinking of them as better people than those who don't. The system is expensive. It reinforces power. There has been radical shifts, in the last couple of decades, cops have taken statements, people have reached out to me, the information has come more readily. However, the patriarchy is a nightmare. There was no reason at all I should have reported.
posted by PinkMoose at 10:47 AM on September 22 [41 favorites]


I don't even enjoy Clark Gable movies anymore. Fuck that noise and the patriarchy it rode in on.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:29 AM on September 22 [4 favorites]


"If you want a quick break from Constant Rape Headline World"

fuck. i do. I'm in my 40's, I'm a small woman; I was dressed in disco pants and a stylish t-shirt.

I got on a bus yesterday afternoon. Sat in the fourth row.each of the four rows in front of me were double-seat rows, each with one occupant (some women who looked like grandmorthers, some men, no-one particularly large). There were two front-facing double-seat rows behind me, each with one occupant, then 2 side-facing rows, eight seats, one occupant each.

The last person to board the bus (take a guess! Yes, a late middle aged white man!) walks past EIGHT EMPTY SEATS to sit next to me, in front of more than a dozen empty seats, the majority of which were not next to anyone. And this does not account for the empty seats in the back half of the bus (it was a bendy accordion bus)

After a week of rape apologists, patriarchy apologists, of people demanding everyone tell their story of rape and assault and validate why they did not report. Well, I was incandescent with rage that of all the fucking empty seats available, this fucking old white man shoves himself into my space. And all I could do was move myself out of what was now his space.
posted by crush at 12:12 PM on September 22 [13 favorites]


(not, of course, that I think people should not tell their stories or explain the barriers to reporting. I recognize the validity of telling, the power of telling, the value of telling. Some don't tell. It's difficult to make it safe and valuable to tell without pounding those who will not or still cannot)
posted by crush at 12:16 PM on September 22 [2 favorites]


A fb group I’m on for women from my alma mater is filling up with #whyIdidnttell stories and it’s heartbreaking and enraging. Many of our male classmates were products of schools like Georgetown Prep and their actions and attitudes reflected that.
posted by rtha at 12:37 PM on September 22 [6 favorites]


your meme of the day
posted by lalochezia at 2:58 PM on September 22 [3 favorites]


You would think that in this time of incandescent women's rage and unrelenting stories about all this stuff, dudes would be a bit more careful, no? Yeah, no.

I was at an event recently where a prominent boomer dude definitely got more handsy and in my space than I would have preferred, in a buffet line, no less. The buffet was in a sparsely populated side room. I think I'd met him met perhaps once before, at a prior event, and of course I knew who he was, so I greeted him by name. He immediately greeted me back super warmly, as if we were old friends. That was flattering for about a minute, before it got weird and uncomfortable. He snaked his arm around my waist surprisingly quickly and offered the side of his face to me by way of soliciting a kiss. I obliged, because in the moment I wasn't expecting any of that, and I didn't want to seem rude. I always feel self-conscious at that sort of professional/industry event.

Even as I leaned in, my mind was racing: Is this what every woman in circumstances vaguely like this wonders? Am I just overly touchy? No, he's overly touchy, overly touchy-feely, that is. Right? I'd hugged a bunch of my friends and acquaintances who were there, but this felt different. It made me reflect on whether hugging old friends at conferences and other gatherings was ever appropriate, even if I, the woman, initiate it. It was the kind of hug that makes you not want to hug anyone ever, lest they feel like I did in that moment. Man, I felt uncomfortable. I tried to let go of the train of thought and just have a conversation. I stared at his gold necklace and his red eyes and his chest hair and saw spittle fly from his mouth (he already seemed fairly gone to the wind, 45 minutes into the event) while in an overly effusive way, right in my face, he exclaimed over normal answers I gave to some basic questions he asked about my life and career trajectory.

Then his behavior went from uncomfortable to kind of offensive, as this older white man proceeded to give unsolicited advice to a young man of color working the event. Just before that the younger man must have mentioned that he'd started his higher education but never finished (probably in response to prominent dude's asking him about it). Prominent dude moved into practically lecturing him about how important it was to finish one's education, as if he didn't know. It felt so tone-deaf. When this guy started to try to use me to bolster his argument, i.e., "See, she thinks it's important too," I extricated myself from the conversation and found another place to be, feeling super gross about the entire interaction.

Anyway, given this dude's behavior with me, a much younger woman who hardly knew him, I imagined his arm had probably found its way around some other women at the event, and I wondered if I should say something to the organizers. But the behavior just seemed borderline, nothing obviously beyond the pale—I decided I didn't want to get into it and have to justify my perceptions to professional colleagues who I think already suspect I have too much of a social-justice bent, though I did mention it to some friends. But yeah, then it felt strange, the next day, to see him headline another part of the event, then to see other women post photos with his arm wrapped around them, talking about how nice he always is. It's one of those situations where I would not be surprised if there are other stories about this dude. It felt like a potential broken stair situation.

Ugggggggh. I hate the way the whole thing made me feel, how it's still making me second-guess myself, because it wasn't really anything, yet it was totally something.
posted by limeonaire at 3:33 PM on September 22 [23 favorites]


daybeforetheday: My nine month old cat likely has cancer.

I am so, so sorry.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:53 PM on September 22 [1 favorite]


something I can't post on FB but need to get off my chest:

Dear Friends in the Democratic Party,

Please learn to recognize when you are being handed gifts.

You don't need to say "thank you" -- that would be inappropriate when they've been delivered with a metaphorical wink -- but perhaps you could ACTUALLY MAKE USE OF THEM.

Love,

Frustrated Libertarians

P.S. If you notice the Libertarian Party or your local Libertarian candidates doing things that seem like they will disproportionately hurt the GOP this year, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe it's not just a crazy random happenstance.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:58 PM on September 22 [4 favorites]


P.P.S. We're never gonna issue a press release that says "The Libertarian Party wants everyone to vote for the Democrats this year" but we're doing our best to communicate that message via interpretative dance.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:25 PM on September 22 [9 favorites]


Fucking fuck cancer for real for real. The teeny tiny upside of dealing with rtha's cancer is having less attention span to have to follow the shitstorm of national politics. But fuck all of that, too.

I was a high school girl in Virginia in the 1980s and all of it sounds just so too familiar.

But mostly fuck cancer.
posted by gingerbeer at 8:01 PM on September 22 [24 favorites]


This new Leland Keyser development (that she can't personally recall the party) is heart-sinking. Ford had already anticipated that she wouldn't remember it, and as far as I can tell Keyser still believes Ford, but it doesn't matter. They're going to run with that, and it's going to fucking work. Uggh.
posted by InTheYear2017 at 8:58 PM on September 22


Fucking fuck cancer for real for real. The teeny tiny upside of dealing with rtha's cancer is having less attention span to have to follow the shitstorm of national politics. But fuck all of that, too.

Gingerbeer, oh no! I'm so sorry. All the best as you are dealing with your cancer treatment, rtha. Cancer is a monster.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:36 PM on September 22 [1 favorite]


My fucking birthday was two days ago, and both my mother and grandmother contacted me like nothing was wrong. The grandmother who abandoned me on the side of the road eighteen months ago.

Yeah.

I offhandedly remarked to a close friend a week ago that it's like I've had a nasty case of PTSD since the election and aftermath hit, and I was... not expecting him to go "yep, that sounds right", and act as if I'd said "the sky is blue." I told another close friend, one who does have PTSD herself and who knows anxiety and trauma, about the incident, and she laughed at me very gently and went "oh, honey, you didn't know?"

I'm not a sexual assault survivor, is the thing. I've never--outside of certain medical contexts, I've never experienced sexual trauma, and it's--it's fucking different, and the politics and the family abandonment and all of it is intersecting for me in a totally different horrible way from the trauma everyone else seems to be dealing with, and it's... universal and isolating all at once; so many of my friends and loved ones are shaking from the constant news cycle and the reminders about how little they'll be believed and I'm shaking because... well.

So I was just processing that, and my fucking mother chooses my birthday to call me, wish me a happy birthday, and demand to know whether I'm getting her calls because she thought her number might be blocked. It was blocked, thanks, and now I'm blocking a new one; it's been blocked since February of 2017. And my grandmother sends me a birthday e-card that says she loves me and she's thinking of me and she hopes I'm doing okay, and the last time I saw her she was stumbling into a car and driving away from me after she left me on the side of the road in a strange city with no one and nothing, and I--

I wasn't expecting that, and now I'm paralyzed. I had thought she might reach out, but not until after the next presidential election or until my grandfather dies, and I had thought she might actually apologize when she did it.

Apparently not. I. fuck this.

I can't decide whether I want to patch things up, because despite that hell of a betrayal, my grandmother always acted like she liked me as a kid, and there was precious little of that in my life growing up; I want to believe that I'm worth someone, anyone who isn't a peer dealing with who I actually am and the consequences of their actions for, but I also want to not spend a whole bunch of emotional energy dealing with this right as I finally, finally pick myself up and get some fucking forward momentum in my fucking life. I told my therapist yesterday the dual stories of Pandora's Box, and the way that different people describe Hope lying in the bottom of the box, released by Pandora's slow hand, as either the salve that made all the pains and ills and spites and grievances of living worth it--or else as the most vicious of all of them, the gadfly of the world, the torment that keeps us trying even as life hurts.

I don't know which I would describe it as, myself.

and the politics is so intertwined with my family and where I come from that I can't extricate myself, and I can't escape it, and I have to remind my students to vote, please, vote, and I have to keep at least a little informed because not being informed is even more terrifying, and--

I'm so scared. I'm so tired. I was teaching my students microdissection this week, and I could feel my hands shaking and there's nothing I can do about it. They shake all the time now.

I shake all the time now. And I am so tired and now I have to figure out how and whether to respond, whether to keep my silence or respond politely--the lure of someone who isn't a peer, who is an elder that cares about me enough to take care of me is so strong--or to simply say that I now have a warm bed to sleep in, food in my belly, money in my hands by the strength of my wits, and the wisdom to assess someone's character by their actions rather than their words.

and either way, no matter what I do, it will eat at me.

and I'm so sorry for all the other folks out here struggling, and I want to give everyone a goddamn big hug.
posted by sciatrix at 10:15 PM on September 22 [40 favorites]


Trigger: Sexual Assault

So this guy, a non-American, tried to rape me in college. He did not succeed because I literally ran away all over his apartment (when he invited me over for dinner I foolishly believed he had invited me over for dinner) and when he finally caught me and pulled me down and got on top of me the excitement was so much for him that he ejaculated in his clothes instead of inside of me which was a huge relief and I was able to push him off and get up and run out the door and of course I didn't report it, I hadn't heard of date rape yet, it did not occur to me to report it.

My dad is nearly 90. I took him to a yard sale today that had some painted nudes on canvas that he spent some time looking at. After we got back, I went to the bathroom and while I was in there my dad tried to come in (there's no lock) but I shouted for him to stay out. Then we had the following conversation, I am not making this up, mostly through the bathroom door:

Dad: You should show your chest to M (his roommate).
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Dad: He should paint you. Your chest is beautiful.
Me: Absolutely not.
Dad: Why not?
Me, as I open the door: Because it's my body.
Dad: That's fair. Where could I could get a picture of a chest like yours?
Me, pointing away from myself: That's enough. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Dad: I'm going, I won't talk about it no more.

Here's the thing: It is the second time my dad has talked about my chest since I got here. I am halfway through my two-week visit and my dad is driving me crazy and so is his girlfriend. She is 45 years old, she is erratic in terms of her behaviour and, right now, even though I have asked her to be more quiet because I am trying to sleep, she is acting manic. She is singing loudly, praising god loudly, walking back and forth through the house and I am fucking exhausted and annoyed beyond belief.

I can handle my horrifyingly inappropriate dad because I think his comments are part of his cognitive breakdown. He was never inappropriate like this with me when I was a kid. But I feel like I am being held hostage by his crazy girlfriend (look, I am mentally ill myself, that she is ill is not the problem; that she is not managing it is the problem) and I hate it so much. I am going to see if I can try to sleep outside in my hammock tonight; if that doesn't work, maybe I will go find a motel room later because I am just not going to sacrifice my serenity and well-being etc. to placate my dad by making nice with his girlfriend. Not for more than one night, anyway.

daybeforetheday, I am so sorry about your cat. Sending big-ass hugs to everyone in this thread. Please send some back. Dunno how long I may be up tonight.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:41 PM on September 22 [13 favorites]


I can handle my horrifyingly inappropriate dad because I think his comments are part of his cognitive breakdown.

Yeah this is absolutely a totally known symptom of various dementia conditions. It really, really, really sucks.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:00 PM on September 22 [3 favorites]


To be honest, when I was in high school my dad looked at my chest once and asked if it bothered me that I had small breasts. I told him no. He said that was good, then made a comment about how nobody needed breasts that were larger than a mouthful anyway. So it's not like my severely ADHD dad wasn't inappropriate with me when he was younger. But that was the first and last time he said anything about my breasts until this visit. So thank you, Jacqueline. The dementia probably explains his choice of girlfriends as well. Sigh.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:08 PM on September 22 [1 favorite]


That's awful! Is it feasible for you to cut your visit short?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:06 AM on September 23 [2 favorites]


So I was talking with a group of women who'd also been at the event where prominent dude got handsy with me. It turns out it wasn't just me—not by a long shot. He'd been like that with all five of us in the conversation. So no doubt this was just his M.O. It made me feel better to know it wasn't just me...but also worse, you know? Uggggh.

And I found myself thinking, maybe it was just that he can't handle drinking, or can't handle drinking around women. Maybe it's not deliberate, I think was my train of thought. And then I thought about all the other men at that event and events like it who somehow manage to stay respectful and keep their hands to themselves, and I think, well, even if he has some problem like that, it's no excuse, and why does my brain want to make excuses for this behavior anyway? Maybe it does because I had that train of thought after an even worse one: There were students at the event (as there are at many events in my industry). What if he did that to them? Ugggggggh.

I know at least one organizer is cognizant of this, because it happened to her and she was part of the conversation. So that's something. But yeah... My first thought was right: It was totally something.
posted by limeonaire at 3:38 AM on September 23 [13 favorites]


Ug. Last week a co-worker and friend asked me at work about what I thought about the whole Ford - Kavanaugh thing the day after the story broke. I told her what a fucking pathetic mess it was because it wasn’t likely to be enough to stop his nomination and sends a message that sexual assault doesn’t matter, blah, blah.

I’m ashamed now for not recognizing that she was probably not asking my political opinion, but was looking for some support. She survived a fairly brutal sexual assault in high school. Men, even generally sympathetic men, forget that women have to pack this shit away to carry on with they’re lives and then it’s invisible. I’m mostly a casual friend and she has a really good support system at home, but I wish I’d realized she was probably having a really terrible morning.

I need to be way better than this. We all do. This is so personal for so many millions of women and it really shouldn’t be their responsibility to remind us.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:38 AM on September 23 [12 favorites]


Slarty B, if a male colleague and friend knew my history and I trusted him enough to bring up the Kavanaugh confirmation (particularly while we were on the job), your response is what I'd hope to hear. You were clearly anti-BK, well aware of the bigger picture, strongly supportive, and, best of all, non-personal.
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:19 PM on September 23 [15 favorites]


Last week, I told my coworker that with every #MeToo story that comes out, every news story about yet another powerful man who assaulted or raped a woman, it increasingly feels like living in some Invasion of the Body Snatchers horror movie. You know, that moment in a horror movie where the main character looks around, and realizes that the benign has become malign, that their loved one and any number of previously harmless strangers are possessed by demons or secretly evil aliens or shapeshifting monsters. That terrible epiphany of fear.

It's been like that. It's been like that since the election, really.

Because every single time, some man other than the perpetrator reveals themselves to be a pod person too, and then another, and another, all across social media and real life, everywhere, a chorus of men not believing women, saying it wasn't that bad, victim blaming, saying that if this is the bar then no man clears it, saying it's just boys being boys, and suddenly, a world that already felt dangerous enough feels so much more dangerous. It's so fucking exhausting and enraging and terrifying.

And I'm lucky. The current news cycle doesn't dredge up any particularly traumatic memories for me. I've been "blessed" enough to have only had the casual background radiation of harassment and assault directed at me: groping and cat calls and casual workplace harassment and unwanted but nonviolent advances and men who make me feel slightly but not actionably uncomfortable. So I feel like I shouldn't be so upset, but I am, and I'm tired.
posted by yasaman at 1:53 PM on September 23 [31 favorites]


Uuuuugh, I just made donations to the Heitkamp and Nelson campaigns. They are cowardly and gross and far as I can see, they are both still "maybes" on fucking Kavanaugh, and I just fucking gave them money anyway.

I know it's the right thing to do. I know that the more support they get, the more they'll feel like they have a mandate, and the less wishy-washy and craven they'll be. But still: Uuuuugh.

(And then, since I was on ActBlue already, I threw a tiny bit of money Beto's way. Not because I though it was likely to make much of an impact, but because the Whataburger drive-through video charmed me and Mr. Palmcorder nearly to the point of tears, and because I desperately needed a palette-cleanser. And it worked, a little, I think. )
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 7:00 PM on September 23 [2 favorites]


God, I'm so incredibly angry and sad.

Yesterday afternoon my sister started texting me about her responding to a friend's Facebook post about Kavanagh. The friend's post was all the "poor man, conspiracy" talking points. My sister responded with a heartfelt plea to listen and believe women.

As I've mentioned, she's a very active evangelical. She immediately got a lot of rebuttals, but she continued to make her case.

Then, later last night, she made her own #WhyIDidntReport tweet.

On her various social media accounts she has several thousand followers. Although she's gotten many private messages of support, she's gotten no public support, one or two likes, and she's been getting a lot of negative responses, ranging from argumentative to worse.

And,of course, this is making her old wounds very fresh. She's deleted her tweets.

She's devastated -- she told me she's been crying all day.

I want to help and support her as best I can though it's long-distance. But I'm also furious. So angry.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 7:30 PM on September 23 [30 favorites]


In college I had an abortion.

Years later, I was was raped near the end of my year volunteering as a teacher abroad. I didn't tell the organization until years later, and they didn't show much care (I've posted anon questions about deciding to tell them- see I still fear I won't be believed). Anyway, I got pregnant from the rape and had an abortion as soon as I returned to the US. I always felt that the first abortion negated the validity of my claims or right to be heard or cared for after my experience. I don't know how to put it.

Ony one person in the world knew this before now. It's been my shame.
posted by maya at 7:59 PM on September 23 [44 favorites]


There is no safe place. None. I dog down my FB like mad but still got confronted by an asshat friend of a friend mansplaining how the “hysteria” over the Kavanuagh issue makes it harder for “real victims” to be believed when they need to. The interaction we are having over that statement is ...not productive.

It’s one of those somber days when I realize, at the deepest level, “they really just want us to die, don’t they? They want us to not exist. To be dead. “

That is what it feels like. It might be true.
posted by Miko at 9:14 PM on September 23 [16 favorites]


Everytime I see Kavanaugh's face I want to punch it. For a while I kept coming across pictures of him smirking, and I could just visualize, my hand curling into a fist, an inexperienced but powerful swing and POW punch to the face.

The other thing I'm thinking of is that scene in AHS Coven when the witches band together and torment the ax murderer.

So I think that my session with my shrink last Friday helped, because now it's wickerman time, whereas before it was just sad, sad, sad. When they go low, we glow with incandescent rage.
posted by angrycat at 5:25 AM on September 24 [5 favorites]


This is a minor fuck in the grand scheme of things, but one of our cats has intermittently stopped using the litterbox. We've discovered poop in the middle of the bathroom and (ugh) in the kitchen, and just yesterday there was an absolute torrent of cat urine in the living room (on a hard floor, fortunately).

At first we thought she was just freaking out because Mrs. Example had been away for almost three weeks and I was at home for a while (I had vacation days I needed to use up) and cats hate change, but now we're thinking it might be a UTI.

She's got a vet appointment tomorrow to get checked out, which is good, but I'm torn between the dread of going home and finding/cleaning another mess and the worse dread that something more serious might be wrong with her.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:39 AM on September 24 [3 favorites]


I didn't report because hi, I had been drugged and while I wasn't thinking clearly I took a shower. And it was 2001 and I was still pretty young and I "knew" I'd be blamed. And sorry for the detail, he didn't achieve his preferred act so I didn't need to be tested for anything.

But he was a colleague and it was not my last incident with a colleague and later, when another colleague, this one someone in charge, overstepped, I did report it, and every minute of that process was agony because of all the what if I had done this the first time.

(The second dude got canned, not so much for what he did to me but to others, I just had the proof. A "good" result does not make the process any less traumatic.)

Also, many hugs to all of you who would like them.
posted by wellred at 5:42 AM on September 24 [16 favorites]


OMG Rosenstein resigned!
!?!?
What the shit is going to happen now?
(And can we get a new Thread?)
posted by Jpfed at 7:49 AM on September 24


WTFF
posted by yoga at 7:51 AM on September 24


...or not?
posted by Jpfed at 7:52 AM on September 24


The only reason I can imagine for Rosenstein resigning is if Trump et al have some incriminating leverage on him, so let's hope that's not true. Details still dribbling in.

I have to imagine if Trump had something on Rosenstein, his logorrhea would've betrayed that knowledge by now.
posted by duffell at 7:52 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]


Now apparently the story is that Rosenstein is at the WH, but not to resign but to say that Trump will have to fire him.

Wheeeeeee! What the fuck happens now?
posted by nubs at 7:52 AM on September 24


Rosenstein is at the WH, but isn't Trump in NY?
posted by armacy at 7:53 AM on September 24


Today, my personal growth goal is not to spend the entire day muttering to myself at my desk.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:57 AM on September 24 [6 favorites]


What new fucking fuckery is this? Has Rosenstein agreed an emergency plan with Mueller if the latter goes? Why is he going, when he needs to stay and, per Sessions, it's possible to stay despite the burblings of 45?

It's hard enough in the UK with the Brexit meltdown in full effect without every day bringing on new madness from across the pond. But here we are.
posted by Devonian at 8:01 AM on September 24


Makes sense if Rosenstein was fired today since WimpAss Orangina isn't there to do it himself. I guess this should go in the megathread.
posted by yoga at 9:06 AM on September 24


When I was in college a guy I'd been flirting with during a party was really drunk. We were kissing and he, well, took it further than I'd given him any words to do so. "Luckily", I pushed back and told him to stop and he did. I've spent this week thinking... .what if he'd been just a little drunker and hadn't? Why do I feel "lucky" that 'all' he did was touch me under my clothes without my permission, but at least he stopped when I asked? Why is my own internal metric that this was fine and even courtly behavior, that at least he fucking stopped after he touched me without asking?
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:08 AM on September 24 [4 favorites]


I really want to keep on trucking. I just slouch forward until Election Day.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:27 AM on September 24 [2 favorites]


I'm just glad David Bowie isn't alive to see this shitshow.
posted by vibrotronica at 9:32 AM on September 24 [4 favorites]


just another monday morning in hell
posted by dis_integration at 9:51 AM on September 24 [3 favorites]


Is it just me or does it seem like we just went into warp drive in the timeline?
posted by yoga at 10:00 AM on September 24 [4 favorites]


I am so glad I had no other plans this evening (it’s evening here in Europe land) than to refresh mefi.

It used to be all the news happened Friday now it’s monday.
posted by sio42 at 10:01 AM on September 24


pony request, inspired by the title of the current iteration of the megathread:
  • A small banner at the top, like the current "big community funding update" banner
  • The banner reads: "Is it pitchfork time yet?" and either NO or YES
  • If it's not yet pitchfork time, the NO is just the word NO. If it is pitchfork time (Mueller's fired, Rosenstein's fired for real, etc.), YES is a link to a page of actions that we've got to go to RIGHT NOW.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 10:31 AM on September 24 [9 favorites]


Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon, did you mean to post the above comment as a new MeTa thread?
posted by yoga at 10:35 AM on September 24


Metafilter: What new fucking fuckery is this?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:53 AM on September 24 [4 favorites]


> Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon, did you mean to post the above comment as a new MeTa thread?

Nah. It's not so much a practical suggestion as just a way to vent.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 11:01 AM on September 24 [2 favorites]


GOP: You can't just use accusations to derail someone right before they cross the finish line for an important position!
HRC: ...
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:25 PM on September 24 [8 favorites]


So, in the last three weeks, I've had a major irrigation system failure, about 2 grand to fix, then the pool pumps and filters died, about 2 grand to fix, two people needed root canals, about 4 grand, an emergency room visit, about a grand, and this morning I woke to find the new pool system failed somewhere, and dumped about 5000 gallons of water, which...I don't even know how much it's going to cost to refill the pool, and my check engine light just came on.

This on top of feeling like I'm in hard core PTSD mode because this administration is trying to kill us all, and I can't talk about it with anyone around me. All of this after two years of rebuilding my house after a storm destroyed it, and I got completely ripped off by contractors, and frankly y'all, I just cannot even any more.

I am so out of evens. I don't even know where to look for evens. I'm starting to sharpen my spoons to dig an escape tunnel at this point.

This timeline will just not stop. It's relentless and cruel and horrible and I don't know what to do about it. I'm a fixer, I want to fix things, and I cannot fix anything and I'm just stuck in this vortex of terrible and fuck me, I'm tired and I'm cranky and I just want it to stop. Just. fucking. stop.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 12:28 PM on September 24 [7 favorites]


So it turns out we were wrong about my sister's cancer, and it's actually more aggressive than we thought. I'm 4,000 miles away and not really in a position to talk to her oncologist anyway, but all the material I'm seeing online for her particular type is showing me maybe a 60%-70% five-year survival rate at best.

I'm not telling her any of this, of course, and I'm being as encouraging and supportive as I can from this distance, but on the inside I'm freaking out at the very real possibility of losing another immediate family member.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:30 PM on September 24 [6 favorites]


I’m just going to drop this because I’m full of fucking feelings and it may as well go here

When I was 15 I had an affair with a 25 year old married man. I use ‘affair’ the same way Jenny Kutner did in this article. For years, and even to a point now, I think that’s not inaccurate because 15 year old me with the bad perm and braces and social ineptitude from a sheltered upbringing is still inside 42 year old me now, and 15 year old me thought it was 100% consensual and felt appreciated and pretty and wanted. I want to be clear that there was no penetrative sex in this, but there were other inappropriate things going on.

This person was adjacent to an extracurricular I did at school. We met doing work for an event and the relationship developed from there. I would find reasons to stay late after this activity and drive around with him. During the summer I would sneak out of the house and we would drive around rural areas in order not to be discovered. Sometimes I would be bold enough to ride my bike to his house while his wife was at work. I knew it was something to hide, but I was also pissed because if someone was being nice to me, it’s a good thing, look, someone loves me so why should I have to be so secretive etc. Everyone just didn’t’ understand. I was smart and interesting and not like other girls with their dumb Garth Brooks tapes and cheerleading practice. I got more confident and I also got more sloppy. One of the neighbors, I don’t know who, saw me get into his jeep one day and snitched to my parents.

My parents…did not take this well. My dad completely lost his shit and began hitting me. I remember him belting me across the face and calling me a slut while my mom fixed him a bowl of ice for his hand. He told me that I was going to hurt my mom’s chances of getting a job. I had my room tossed and my diaries seized. The next day my mom drove me around and made me put applications into places even though I wasn’t old enough to work. She also took me to Wal-Mart and replaced all of my existing underwear with granny panties, even though she’s the one that bought my previous string bikini underwear when I asked for it at the mall. They hired a babysitter for the remaining 2 weeks of summer vacation that year. When I started school, I was disallowed to do any extracurriculars and had to report home. Some form of house arrest followed me all through until graduation because I did this bad thing. They never treated me the same after this. All this did was make me secretive and engage in even riskier shit with even more convoluted and sometimes unsafe ways to avoid being discovered. If there was a lesson to be learned from this, I guess I didn’t learn the right one.

I was genuinely grieving after it went down. To me, I had just had a relationship yanked out from under me. I was depressed and ashamed and this didn’t matter to anyone that it should have mattered to and it followed me for YEARS. Whenever I dated later on in college and early adulthood, I would always bring it up before anything advanced to any sort of seriousness. I felt like I was obligated to let the men I was dating know that I did this bad thing when I was 15 (as well as how many people I had slept with up to that point) because it was just better to be upfront and honest on what a huge whore I was. I don’t do that anymore.

I’m still fencesitting on whether I feel comfortable referring to myself as a victim. I feel less a victim to the other party involved and more a victim of all of the people who should have been watching out for me and caring for me and giving me a foundation to where I could have turned down a creepy older guy at 15 rather than latching on to whatever male attention I could get. The whole thing just sort of went away with no legal action or public knowledge or anything, but at home ‘fluttering hellfire is a huge slut that needs to be kept on a short leash so she doesn’t fuck anything else up’ remained.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:07 PM on September 24 [36 favorites]


ICE has been in my town for the last few days rounding people up. This afternoon a friend texted me to say that they were parked across the street from her daughter's school at pickup today.

I don't even know what to say. I've called the people I can think to call and offered to help the people I can think to help but nothing I can do is really any use. I'm so angry and so helpless and SO ANGRY. That's about it.
posted by gerstle at 2:17 PM on September 24 [7 favorites]


I’m not in America right now. And won’t be. I want some kind of alert when there is actually stuff to pay attention to in whatever iteration of hell we’re in.

Like, if there is an actual upheaval of some kind major things. Otherwise I spend a lot of time reading on here and I’m not paying attention to other things. I don’t usually have FOMO. But I do for this because I want to be on mefi When It Happens. When Kavanaugh finally is done. When trump is shown as Russian and done. When we find out Hilary actually won. (That part is a dream)

Is there any way to get just alerts of ding ding The Pitchforks have been Deployed for those of us who are not able to pitchfork in person?

Prob not but gosh I wish there was. Today has been a whirlwind and I can’t keep up like this. It’s only Monday.
posted by sio42 at 2:41 PM on September 24 [2 favorites]


FYI, I have just posted self-care advice to survivors of sexual abuse as well as links to earlier FPPs on funny videos, cute critters, etc. (As noted below, everyone needs a hug. Or perhaps two.) Anyone who needs to skip the current shit show as a form of self-care has my blessing, not that you need it. Hang in there, my friends. xoxoxo
posted by Bella Donna at 3:41 PM on September 24 [6 favorites]


Heya, just a quick note, I've deleted that post actually, but it would be great to post those things as a comment in this thread.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:45 PM on September 24


Thanks, LobsterMitten, and apologies to readers cause this is an odd mix of self-care advice and distraction.

Advice from RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. Self-care is about taking steps to feel healthy and comfortable. Whether it happened recently or years ago, self-care can help you cope with the short- and long-term effects of a trauma like sexual assault. Emotional self-care means different things to different people. The key to emotional self-care is being in tune with yourself.

Think about a time when you felt balanced and grounded, and consider asking yourself the following questions:

1. What fun or leisure activities did you enjoy? Were there events or outings that you looked forward to?
2. Did you write down your thoughts in a journal or personal notebook?
3. Were meditation or relaxation activities a part of your regular schedule?
4. What inspirational words were you reading? Did you have a particular author or favorite website, like RAINN’s Pinterest board, to go to for inspiration?
5. Who did you spend time with? Was there someone, or a group of people, that you felt safe and supported around?
6. Where did you spend your time? Was there a special place, maybe outdoors or at a friend’s house, where you felt comfortable and grounded?

Self-care isn’t always easy to take on by yourself. To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.

Tips for Survivors on Consuming Media

Previously in Self-Care Land on MF:
Comedy Music Videos
Cameron Esposito has a new stand-up special about sexual assault from a survivor’s perspective
Feeling Low? Time to Get Happy
Taking a Collective Moment for Self-Care
Ways to Stay Motivated in This Era of Epic Stupid
MF-Endorsed YouTube Comedy Clips
Puppies Meet Baby Animals: Cuteness Ensues
Various upbeat animal videos
posted by Bella Donna at 4:08 PM on September 24 [21 favorites]


Bella Donna, I'm working on the framing for a post about doctors, who apparently have been doing vaginal exams on women for years while we were under anesthesia for unrelated surgeries, and if you don't mind, I'll include these links with a hat tip to your comment here.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:09 PM on September 24


Actually, I'm not. I think the note in your FPP would apply to this one as well. I'll reference your comment though.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:43 PM on September 24 [3 favorites]


I got back yesterday from spending the weekend with my aunt. My 92 year old grandmother was about to move back to my hometown after a few years living with her in San Diego. I've been avoiding my aunt because, well, Trump. But I wanted to see my grandma before she left. So I went down. And it was a nice visit. I said nothing political. I was cordial. I bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood.

Then. About an hour before I was going to leave and drive home, we were having dinner and the restaurant had football on the TV. So my aunt decided to go off on the knee thing. I tried to stop it before it really started. I asked her to just say nothing because I didn't want to argue. But she kept going. And of course I pushed back, but more than anything I just wanted the argument to stop. I was literally shaking with rage. I tried to eat my fried rice but it kept falling off my trembling fork.

I was this close to leaving on a good note. But she had to say something. I can't visit anymore. It's not going to go well. I've tried.
posted by downtohisturtles at 8:18 PM on September 24 [12 favorites]


This is a very minor point, but has anybody how do I say this find sexiness unsexy in the last couple of weeks?

A sort of example of this I was going to repeat a comment on Jezebel, that a staff writer thought that Gritty (the short lived Philly Flyers mascot) would cry during sex, but then I was uncomfortable repeating that comment, even though it made me laugh and I thought others might make it funny, but part of my brain is like NO! SEXUAL! ANYTHING! STOP!

Anyways, aside from that sort of glimpse into what the nomination is doing to my state of mind, I highly recommend Celebrating Gritty. For certain values of hilarity, that little deranged thing is doing a lot of work.
posted by angrycat at 2:38 AM on September 25 [4 favorites]


Not that I find Gritty sexy I was just trying to talk about my sexuality in a sideways way if that makes sense
posted by angrycat at 2:43 AM on September 25 [3 favorites]


i just took a quick look at twitter and see trump has now referred to the iranian president as a lovely man and i seriously sat here with my face in my hands for close to a minute.

that's weird right? i'm trying to not clutter up main thread bc there's so much happening but just why. why why why.
posted by sio42 at 6:31 AM on September 25 [2 favorites]


An article titled "Why aren't liberals fun anymore?" (not linking) popped up in my feed yesterday and I almost threw my phone away halfway through reading it. Some conservative think-tank type who can't understand why liberals are all so angry and don't laugh at his jokes.
posted by octothorpe at 6:38 AM on September 25 [2 favorites]


SecretAgentSockPuppet thank you so much for that FPP, and thank you to all the women coccooning each other through this.

I find myself making comments like, "yeah I wonder how many women that guy gave no shits about?" about people I don't even know, but it's - it's so so so pervasive that most people have no idea how often it happens. It's literally everywhere, and it needs to be daylighted.

It feels like in spite of the pain, we are taking care of each other, trying like fuck to heal, and standing up to the bullshit that should have never been tolerated and propogated. Smashing the patriarchy - is this it?

I don't remember who said it in the many comments for whatever thread, but Men DO seriously need to take a time out. The good ones to respect us and give us our space, and the bad ones to grow the fuck up or get the fuck out.
posted by yoga at 6:41 AM on September 25 [6 favorites]


Hi. My name is Sophie. I'm a survivor and apparently I've been grinding my teeth so hard that one of them is loose.

Fuck.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:23 AM on September 25 [30 favorites]


I remember two periods of deep dreaming last night. The first was a #metoo dream where fortunately my own trauma was not involved but just a rehashing of all the current news bullshit in dream form. I woke up so angry, I had to put on a boring history podcast to fall back asleep. The second was basically all the small annoyances in my life all crammed into a single dream. I remember waking up and being like, wow, brain, that takes talent!
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:37 AM on September 25 [5 favorites]


Maya - I am so sorry. I believe you and it is not your fault.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:41 AM on September 25 [2 favorites]


Sophie1 I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by yoga at 9:15 AM on September 25 [4 favorites]


I’m just really sad today.
posted by bq at 9:47 AM on September 25 [4 favorites]


I'm so glad we have each other.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 11:07 AM on September 25 [9 favorites]


This is another of those moments when I strongly wish I could hug each and every one of all y'all who would appreciate that. If that's you, please consider yourself gently hugged from afar.

The rest of the world is watching and many of us care.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:07 PM on September 25 [18 favorites]


Man, fuck this. We all deserve so much better. Our kids deserve better. Our friends and family deserve better. This is shit. Absolute piss.
posted by Bacon Bit at 5:12 PM on September 25 [2 favorites]


I posted something about #WhyIDidntReport on my public twitter and my boss strongly suggested I take it down. I was too busy and tired to fight him, so I just deleted it. And this dude, who is mostly good, just. Cannot understand that no, I'm depressed, that it's different from when we were together on Hillary, that yes, I cried a lot then, too, but I was at least hypomanic, and now it's a victory to get out of bed in the morning. He's just decided he's right and I'm engaging in revisionist history.

And like, I love this kid. He was the first person I called after my mom told me my sister died. He's been rock-solid there for me through all sorts of terrible things, with his weird backhanded kindness. And this dude is still pulling this kind of shit, and I tend to think of him as One Of The Good Ones. I can't get him to just fucking listen to me.

I'm glad you're here, Metafilter.
posted by dogheart at 9:20 PM on September 25 [12 favorites]


FUCK THIS FUCKING HORSESHIT.
posted by Barack Spinoza at 9:30 PM on September 25 [2 favorites]


Tomorrow I go to the PD to interview w/ the prosecutor in an assault case.

I'm not looking for cookies. I'm actually stupid nervous and basically upset any of this even happened, but I will try to do the right thing.

This thread is definitely reminding me to do the right thing.

This comment illustrates why reporting assault isn't as easy or simple as idiots claim it is.
posted by loquacious at 9:50 PM on September 25 [13 favorites]


So here's a weird thing I'm trying to process.

I live in a small town right outside Philly, predominately white, working class with other people moving in, some gentrification. But there's still a big factory here; mostly white dudes work there, I think (it's right behind my apartment and they take smoke breaks and lunch breaks and I see them).

We have a newish mayor, a young (like thirties) black gay man. I know fuck all about how he's doing as a mayor, but I do know that when I met him I sort of fell in love. He's charming and warm, at least. And he's a democrat, so I assume he's progressive.

I mostly give my town's FB side-eye, my only significant participation there being a deeply regretted post about how could people please respect disabled parking and not park there to unload their goods and what not. I got so much hate I was like whoa okay never doing this again, plus this page is full of assholes.

So I don't know why, but the mayor is taking a lot of flack. And his being black and gay is an issue. The assholes are saying that he's playing the black gay card, something like that, whereas other people are like holy shit the racists in this town.

And then the conversation takes this turn where it's like I don't know Sean Hannity possessed the assholes and pro-Trump statements came tumbling forth. Outrage that a member of the city council was involved in an anti-ICE demonstration. How Trump was king God lord with pictures of Trump looking like a smiling frog with U MAD text underneath.

I waded in there but mostly with sarcasm and gifs of Gritty appended to statements saying yes we socialists are coming for you but I think the assholes don't know what to make of me.

Anyways, our mayor is getting threats, apparently, and is taking precautions upon getting home after leaving the office. And there's support for him, no doubt about it, and as the supporters tend to know how to spell words they seem a bit more credible than the others, who were proudly proclaiming themselves racists and deplorables and homophobic.

It's like, why would you say that about yourself? It's like, why not just smear shit all over your face and get on the train that way? Maybe you'll impress more people that way?

Anyways, I really wish shit getting local hadn't happened this week.
posted by angrycat at 4:50 AM on September 26 [12 favorites]


Sometimes instead of NPR I listen to progressive talk radio. I would do it more, but talk radio is all about listeners calling in, and progressive talk is no better than conservative talk at filtering out trolls, crackpots, and Howard Stern fans.
posted by ZeusHumms at 6:45 AM on September 26 [2 favorites]


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
posted by doornoise at 8:02 AM on September 26


I just can't any more with the Kavanaugh news, and I'm not even from the US. Hideous hideous hideous. No wonder people from his schools were keen to shore up the guy's reputation. Many more powerful men must be getting hot under the collar, wondering when these allegations will blow up their lives too - and good. All power to those brave women and those guys can just be herded into the sea, please.
posted by doornoise at 8:08 AM on September 26 [7 favorites]


I think I talked about this before, but way back in college I did semi-anonymous Sex Ed questions and answers - mostly online, though people were welcome to stop in and ask.

The most common question I got was a woman describing a scenario where she was raped or assaulted and then asking me if it counted. Essentially asking my permission to feel upset about a horrible thing that had happened to her. What she could do about it.

I keep on thinking about those stories.
posted by dinty_moore at 9:06 AM on September 26 [24 favorites]


All I know is that we are less than one week out from the general release date for Stormy Daniels' book, and I don't believe the news will ease up anytime soon.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:56 AM on September 26 [1 favorite]


It’s going to keep accelerating until it crashes or explodes.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:21 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]


Ok, I think I've got this. I actually like the DA. We're going to trial, unless he gets extradited, but they're aiming for a conviction here than extradition there to face similar warrants.
posted by loquacious at 12:29 PM on September 26 [7 favorites]


The only thing that’s keeping me sane this week is my morning walks at my local forest preserve. It’s green and quiet except for sounds from birds and small mammals, and the only human interactions are smiling and saying a brief good morning when I pass another person on the trail. Honestly, that’s about the only face to face human contact I can take these days.
Hugs and kind thoughts to everyone who wants them. This is tough.
posted by bookmammal at 1:07 PM on September 26 [4 favorites]


i know that real life rarely grants such catharsis but my heart wants kavanaugh to have a fucking full blown indignant breakdown in the hearings tomorrow, screaming "HOW DARE YOU" and "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM" and say out loud all the toxic things that he believes his whiteness and maleness gives him the privilege to do

i want the mask to come off and the world to recoil at it

this will never happen but for once i would like to see one of these smarmy assholes break under the pressure and show us all who they really are
posted by murphy slaw at 1:37 PM on September 26 [5 favorites]


Loquacious, in my head I'm like sending you dragons and lances and shit. I know you said you weren't looking for cookies, but you now have an imaginary dragon and other imaginary implements of warfare.
posted by angrycat at 1:42 PM on September 26 [5 favorites]


I overdosed on the UN meetings news, and tariff war trade this past week. While it got me a meeting with the CEO of VERYBIGTRADEPROGRAM which HIS people requested to arrange (Yay), I've had to take two days off sick to the stomach. My partner will nag me to detox [i.e. stay off news & twitter] for the next few days and for once i won't argue.
posted by infini at 2:03 PM on September 26 [2 favorites]


AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

FUCKING FUCK
posted by telepanda at 2:17 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
posted by 20 year lurk at 2:17 PM on September 26


I've been lurking the politics threads since the election. They offer the only light I see these days. I know I am not alone.

I went to a private, all-boys, East Coast school.

Everything that is coming to light is exactly why I was such an outsider in high school. I didn't play ball with that shit and, as a result, I was marginalized.

I am also the survivor of a sexual assault by a priest. Many of us were.

I am now convinced more than ever that I have PTSD and am seeking help. I have managed to be a good husband and father. I have some professional success. Yet, I am so often disconnected. I have very dark days. I know how to lie about how I feel so well.

Fuck. I just can't take much more of this. I look at my sons and I despair. I look at my wife, also a survivor of a much more heinous thing than I went through and I despair.

When will this stop?
posted by extraheavymarcellus at 2:42 PM on September 26 [19 favorites]


I saw this tweet: Mark Judge’s lawyer, told him to leave the D.C. area: “I told him to leave town. He is being hounded. He is a recovering alcoholic and is under unbelievable stress. He needed for his own health to get out of this toxic environment and take care of himself.” and wanted to scream OH REALLY?!?!?! at my dumb laptop screen.

Because OH REALLY, MARK JUDGE?!!? YOU'RE under unbelievable stress??? Last Saturday night, I drank some bourbon and started looking up flights to Iceland because I just wanted to GET OUT, I wanted to leave this hellscape of a national environment and Iceland's sere and lovely icy landscapes sounded INTENSELY APPEALING and best of all, ISOLATED. I got THIS FUCKING CLOSE to ill-advisedly, drunkenly booking a flight to REYKJAVIK to spend, idk, five days howling into the Icelandic tundra or hot springs or wtfever.

alas. I have a job and a life and i'm pretty sure everyone would be Concerned if I literally FLED to another COUNTRY on short notice. but god, I want to.
posted by yasaman at 2:52 PM on September 26 [9 favorites]


Today has been a heaping serving of oh fuckity fuck, I can't even.
posted by Sphinx at 2:55 PM on September 26


i am just glad that daniel dale is live-tweeting this shit, it is like the polished silver shield that allows me to view the gorgon without being struck dead
posted by murphy slaw at 2:58 PM on September 26 [15 favorites]


Holy shit that presser. why do they even sit there, begging for bones from this nutjob? It absolutely amazes me that not one of them will take one for the team and just call him on his bullshit:
"No Mr President, they really were laughing at you. hate to break it to you but, actually, you've made this country a laughingstock and yesterday should have been a wake-up. things you think nobody knows, or nobody's ever heard of? those things are things that people write dissertations about, write books about, have actual expertise on? Did you really just say that you made a policy decision about Syria because you read about a thing there in the NYT? Imagine if you read about things every day, the way actual Presidents used to? You'd make lots of policy decisions, and you'd actually be doing your job...."
posted by OHenryPacey at 3:32 PM on September 26 [6 favorites]


Even with the Dale shield I'm fending off the hives. I want someone to quote Avenatti's tweet word-for-word, and ask for his thoughts. “False accusations?” Like those crimes your fixer Cohen pled to? You are an habitual liar and complete narcissist who also is a disgrace as a president and an embarrassment to our nation. You are so inept that your “best and brightest” are Cohen and Giuliani. Let’s go.

Can't be a woman, though, as he'd only interrupt her.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:38 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]


Remember when Obama was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize? Me, too.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:42 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]


I'm so sorry for an additional post, but, oh, god, just learned from a megathread link that Swetnick's Jewish. Please, please let her be in a safe place.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:48 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]


when can we hunt these men through the streets like the most dangerous game. is it soon
posted by poffin boffin at 4:09 PM on September 26 [13 favorites]


This feels increasingly like a Tarantino movie. We have some unfinished business friends, oh yes we do.
posted by angrycat at 4:22 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]


i just caught myself frantically running around the internet trying to find a news outlet or a blog or a funny person on twitter who knows WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

it's not working
posted by murphy slaw at 5:53 PM on September 26 [2 favorites]


Ugh. I was listening to a podcast discussing how people get sucked into MLMs and apparently Trump made a shitload of money endorsing one or another of them, and his nonsense rambling (at one of their conferences, I assume) was excerpted. There's just no end to the exploitation and grossness that he and his cronies are profiting from.

Also the Kavanaugh crap is enough that I have daily fantasies about margaritas on Crone Island.
posted by tautological at 6:30 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]


This fucking day. I had a phone call about a harassment complaint that I filed. The Swetnick news dropped. I did some (vague on purpose) social justice stuff. I called my partner to say I was almost to his place and could he draw me a bath.

As the phone was ringing I got cat called. So I ended up shouting my response to that guy into my phone just as my partner answered. So what he also didn’t hear was the cat callers response to being rejected. It fit the DARVO perfectly.

And now I’m in the bath and I too am out of spoons. Only knives.

Only. Knives.
posted by bilabial at 6:32 PM on September 26 [7 favorites]


Here's hoping for a Great Blue Wave Off Kavanaughwa. A complete tsunami.
posted by effluvia at 8:05 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]




Flames — flames, on the side of my face.

What the flipping what?!? Do they really think nobody remembers what they did? Do they think they're on the Shore Leave Planet and all you have to do is say something and it becomes a fact?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:14 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]


After reading the latest trashing of the accusers, I feel like that gif of Hannibal laughing as beams of light shoot out of his eyes, except it wouldn't be genial Hannibal laughter it'd be an insane cackle, and those beams would be deadly
posted by angrycat at 4:07 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


Am tempted to just watch a live-feed of kitties or puppies all day.
posted by ZeusHumms at 6:58 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


I am watching the hearing because apparently I hate myself, and I hate Grassley with the fiery passion of a million million suns
posted by the turtle's teeth at 7:12 AM on September 27 [3 favorites]


I'm thinking, basted on his opening remarks about Feinstein, that I should make a voodoo doll of him.
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:16 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


Even from outside your country this is triggering as hell. I'm a survivor and practicing self care and avoiding all social media which is irritating because that is also cutting me off from all my support networks and still can't avoid this news. Tune into my local radio to hear the weather and this comes up.

And I get laughed at for being triggered by something not even from my country but damn the USA destructing like this does affect me and rapist scum are everywhere. And though i'm not in the worst of it ( my heart breaks for you all) it still does matter that the most powerful country in the world is showing raping scum can get away with anything. And i'm sick and tired and don't have my dog with me and resentful that I have to hide away in Netflix in order to not be reminded of the countless times men have decided that my life doesn't matter. And I don't even identify as female anymore but that doesn't matter and I have never not known that boys can hurt me. Since 5! FUCKING 5 YEAR OLD! I've known. I just want to burn this fucking world down and salt it so nothing can grow here again.

And I can't believe they are doing this farce of hearing and how brave all these women are. Hugs my fellow survivors. My heart bleeds alone but with you all too.
posted by kanata at 7:17 AM on September 27 [11 favorites]

Do they think they're on the Shore Leave Planet and all you have to do is say something and it becomes a fact?
Yes. They do.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:30 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


This whole situation has really gotten to me as a survivor of rape. I woke up at 3:30 am and could not stop going over the details that I remember, wondering how I would testify if called upon to do so. I started reading Daniel Dale's live tweeting of the event but when I got to the part where Dr. Ford testified to Kavanaugh smothering her with his hand, I had to stop. I am physically ill, racing heart, shaking. I'll have to read a summary tonight because this is too much to handle right now.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:07 AM on September 27 [11 favorites]


That fucking press conference, this fucking hearing, those fucking assholes
posted by Doktor Zed at 8:37 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


Millions of us are watching and we all believe her. We believe you too.

Hugs to everyone who needs and wants one.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:40 AM on September 27 [8 favorites]


From another forum: " I can recall when the GOP at least had a sense of decorum. They are now a poorly organized circus, full of monkeys flinging poo at the audience."
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:43 AM on September 27


Abandoning caution, listening to Stephanie Miller radio show via TuneIn Radio app. She's a progressive, which helps.
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:48 AM on September 27


I thought I was going to be busy enough today that I wouldn't be able to pay attention to the hearings, but a couple of students have cancelled, and now I'm looking at Twitter and I feel like I can't breathe. I hate this fucking timeline.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:49 AM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Like many, I haven't talked about this, but I was a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of privileged boys as well, within the upstanding american institution of the boy scouts. It's something that I've repressed, that I learned early on that I couldn't talk about without making things infinitely worse. Nobody would have believed me back then... I tried to get to what happened by starting with just the bullying that I was a victim of, and I was accused of lying and trying to smear the reputation of an upstanding, successful young man with a bright future. Said young man was told about my smear, and I quickly learned how much worse things would get for me. Some of this carried over to the school environment as well.. At one point, I had required therapy sessions due to my "acting out", where I quickly learned to lie about how I felt and repress and internalize everything, just so I could make it end. It took about 15 years to even begin to recover from any of this and learn to trust any person again.

Last night, as all of these memories were flowing back to me, I just laid on the floor, dizzy from all of it. What I went through was relatively minor compared to what so many others have gone through, and I cannot fathom how many women are having to relive their own nightmares. I literally do not know one single woman who hasn't been sexually abused in some fashion.

In many ways, I'm still trying to get a handle on just how different the experience of women is... Being raised as a man in a toxic environment made this a bit challenging for me to see for a long time. The public display of violation today seems anything but subtle... the utter contempt from the GOP and those men of privilege on display is really the quiet parts of institutionalized misogyny and rape culture being spoken out loud.

I cannot watch this, as it leaves me reeling... and I know that I'm only scratching the surface of how so many women in the world are reacting right now.

Others have mentioned the crisis lines - please make use of them if you are thinking maybe you should. I'm fortunate in that I've had a ton of therapy and a loving partner that I trust 100% to talk with about anything, but she has been through much worse.... and even with all of this support, this is all leaving me so completely wrecked, and I'm considering them.... so if you think you may need to talk, err on that side.

Again, for reference, stolen from the megathread:
RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
National Suicide Prevention LIfeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
posted by MysticMCJ at 8:50 AM on September 27 [8 favorites]


apropos of very little, in watching this hearing i've noticed that the Senate has its own bottles of water, with little labels on them of the Seal of the Senate and such. When did the Senate make the decision that they needed branded plastic bottles of water? What's wrong with a few pitchers of goddamn tap water on the table? It seems like there's something in nuce about the rottenness in our society and these stupid branded bottles of water.
posted by dis_integration at 8:50 AM on September 27 [4 favorites]


Stopped listening to the radio show. They're simulcasting the questioning, and I couldn't stand the poor attempts at entrapment.
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:53 AM on September 27


I'm at work and can't watch Dr. Ford's testimony, but I'm watching some clips on Twitter. I watched her talk about how Kavanaugh and Judge laughed as they were assaulting her and burst into tears. I haven't been able to stop yet. Thank god my office has a door. I had done a lot of work forgiving my own abuser, and I feel like this has undone all of it.
posted by holborne at 9:15 AM on September 27 [4 favorites]


Fucking five minutes relating all the flights she takes despite being afraid of flying. Yeah, SHE'S BRAVE YOU WALKING SNOT JARS.
posted by lucidium at 9:16 AM on September 27 [8 favorites]


Hey all. Yesterday afternoon, I had, in common parlance, a nervous breakdown. I am in bed, currently quite sedated, not reading or watching the hearings. I want you to know that I am going to be ok, but I'm not going to be around much for the next couple of weeks. To all of my sister and brother survivors, i believe you. Take care of yourselves. This is hard.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:17 AM on September 27 [28 favorites]


Take good care, Sophie1. Many hugs to you & we're here for you when you are ready.
posted by yoga at 9:24 AM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Me too, kanata, me too.
posted by yoga at 9:28 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


Please everyone take care of yourselves. This is horrific to witness, and I have no history of abuse or assault, so I can't imagine what this is like.

Hugs, high fives.
posted by nubs at 9:36 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


My partner's theory is that its being broadcast live and nonstop as a message to women [in addition to whatever official reasons plus media coverage] - designed to deliberately trigger cortisol and flood their systems for easier control and manipulation by the nexus of gg/mra/nazi that's embedded in our smartphones and social media.

"Look at what we'll do to you with impunity"
posted by infini at 10:16 AM on September 27 [5 favorites]


Its simultaneously a very big fuck you to Justice.
posted by infini at 10:17 AM on September 27


I haven't slept in 48 hours, I moved an appointment from today to Saturday in case this hearing runs into tomorrow. I have cried several times, this is so awful to watch, so triggering. Dr Ford sounds like a child but she is being so brave, and I love the way she answers "Correct!"

Around noon a nasty cold sore started blooming on my upper lip -- stress!

Who is the guy sitting behind her who cried throughout her whole testimony of the assault? A relative or male friend? I know her husband is not there, he is with the kids.

Back in session!
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 10:39 AM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Maybe her inlaws are there, or someone from her family.
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:42 AM on September 27


One of my oldest friends, a thoroughly decent guy I've known for decades and a lifelong straight-ticket Democrat, just made a post on Facebook about how steadfast Kavanaugh-supporter Ted Cruz should be allowed to enjoy a peaceful dinner in public and how protests might eventually lead to assassinations of sitting senators. His post received a lot of "likes" and favorable comments…all from men.

He's also an alumn of an all-male D.C. prep school and an Ivy League univesity, and despite being an adamant Trump critic, he has yet to post anything about the sexual assault accusations against Kavanaugh.

Meanwhile, a mutual friend who graduated from an all-girl D.C. prep school linked to Slate's article "We Didn’t Call It Rape—I know what happened at prep school parties in the 1980s. The Brett Kavanaugh and Mark Judge allegations are upsettingly familiar." All the "likes" were from women, as were most of the comments.

That tells me everything about the cultural chasm between Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford.

Good fucking bye to all that.
posted by Doktor Zed at 10:46 AM on September 27 [9 favorites]


I have this fantasy that today is the day when collective female rage levels will reach some as-yet undiscovered scientific tipping point, and the FUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUU we've been biting back since the beginning of time will become a transformative energy pulse that reduces all of these fucking assholes to tiny piles of ash.
posted by Vervain at 11:01 AM on September 27 [17 favorites]


feel like i have been waiting my whole life for the dam to break
and it leaks and it groans and it never, ever breaks
posted by murphy slaw at 11:16 AM on September 27 [6 favorites]


no i want to eat their hearts

it is my strongly held religious belief
posted by poffin boffin at 11:27 AM on September 27 [21 favorites]


I've been avoiding reading anything on twitter or facebook today and just paying attention to cute animal pictures. But one asshole who spent months telling me that Franken was framed, it was no big deal, that it was before he was even in the Senate, that - two months ago, right before the primary - he should run for Governor of Minnesota* - that asshole it out there posting a sanctimonious political cartoon about how Republicans don't listen to women. And goddamit, the hypocrisy nearly broke me.

*For those not aware of MN politics, this is possibly the worst 'Democratic' take ever on our Governor's race.
posted by dinty_moore at 11:27 AM on September 27 [2 favorites]


I completely forgot about the monstrous people who call into C-SPAN 3 with their very bad opinions and hearing them is really deflating
posted by dis_integration at 11:31 AM on September 27


I realized a while ago that because of the odds some of the women I know have either been assaulted or raped, even though I haven't heard it from them. (White male privilege bubble.)

Now I'm realizing I may know (or even probably know) men that have sexually assaulted women.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:40 AM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Let me correct you. You definitely know men who have assaulted women.

In fact, I would hazard to outright state: these words, that I am typing right here, will be read by at least one man who has assaulted women.

If you are feeling suddenly uncomfortable, suddenly wondering who among you might have done such a thing, who might do such a thing again:

Congratulations. Welcome to being a woman.
posted by sciatrix at 11:44 AM on September 27 [28 favorites]


Are the guillotines ready guys?
posted by Tarumba at 11:47 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]


I am 1000% certain that the two dudes whose actions effected me for the ensuing 3 decades don't think of themselves as abusers or sexual assaulters. Guaranteed. There's a whole range of behaviors that are traumatic for the victim but barely register as a blip for the perpetrator.
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:00 PM on September 27 [14 favorites]


I made the mistake of Googling a guy who assaulted me in college. Dude was arrested 2 years ago for trespassing in our college's gym, 11 years after he graduated. Pepper sprayed the cops. Was taken to the emergency room and, as far as I can tell, did not go to jail and is today a productive member of society, an entrepreneur. Fucking white male privilege.

This is the guy who kept trying to kiss me and, when I shoved him bodily from the couch to the floor, GOT UP AND KISSED ME AGAIN. When I kicked him out of my apartment, he insisted, "You don't know what you want."

I know what I want, dude. It's to burn the fucking patriarchy to the fucking ground.
posted by coppermoss at 12:20 PM on September 27 [6 favorites]


Catching up on tweets, got up to Kavanaugh's crocodile tears.
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:27 PM on September 27


i know that real life rarely grants such catharsis but my heart wants kavanaugh to have a fucking full blown indignant breakdown in the hearings tomorrow, screaming "HOW DARE YOU" and "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM" and say out loud all the toxic things that he believes his whiteness and maleness gives him the privilege to do


welp.
posted by murphy slaw at 12:38 PM on September 27 [18 favorites]


i reside in iowa and it is fucking infuriating that i am represented by that fucking asshole grassley
posted by lineofsight at 12:52 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


I would like to experience Post Trumpatic Stress Disorder.

Y'all gotta get us to the post part tho.
posted by srboisvert at 12:59 PM on September 27 [3 favorites]


murphy slaw, please use your next two wishes wisely

But that was a good one
posted by schadenfrau at 1:02 PM on September 27 [10 favorites]


still working on what to ask for before A BIG ORANGE HEAD
posted by murphy slaw at 1:15 PM on September 27 [3 favorites]


Ninety minutes ago, post Blasey Ford appearance, my 14-year-old son came to me with two questions: why is this all coming out now, and what about people whose lives are ruined by accusations? We had a long, long, frank conversation. I asked him (pace Jackson Katz) what he does to prevent himself from being sexually assaulted when he's out and about, and we discussed how and why it's a different experience for women. We talked about women having to reckon with men's experiences and internal lives, but the deficit when it's the other way around. We talked about what trauma is, how people process it, why they might not come forward. We talked about '80s raunch teen movies, and the informal expectations of women to accept "boys will be boys" and minimize their own responses to harassment and assault. We talked about victim blaming, marital rape and the law, the statistics on sexual assault by strangers vs. family and friends. About libel, about due process and legal charges and court cases and evidence. About the whisper network. About not being believed. About saying the truth despite fearing for one's own life, for one's family. About the need for Frown Power among men ("Because we listen more to each other than we do to women," he said) and about warning young female co-workers about potential predators. We talked about the power of sharing stories, and about how many women are coming forward to share--for the first time--what happened. We talked about trends in parenting and empathy and the fight against bullying, and how our ideas of equal treatment change over decades. And about why I've been calling my senators and the Senate Judiciary Committee about this nomination.

This was...not a talk my own parents ever had with me. I didn't really want to have to have this conversation here, now, all at once, but goddammit, I want him to believe that all of us can be better to one another, and stand up to vile behavior.

Metafilter: THANK YOU for giving me the words I needed on this day. Just--thank you.
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:16 PM on September 27 [41 favorites]


Thank you for being a responsible parent, MonkeyToes, and engaging in a very difficult conversation.
posted by ZeusHumms at 1:25 PM on September 27


Please how do I change timelines? This one sucks.
posted by Foosnark at 1:27 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


OMG ... a very slick performance during his statement, wondering about those tears and the water gulping and please hand that man a hankie to blow his nose.

But when he starts to respond to questions, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and he reminds me of so many of the
Irish Catholic, Jesuit-trained grab and laugh jocks I knew growing up. Yes I am Irish too. :)

He has thrown his friend Mark Judge under the bus!

And he never answered Feinstein's question: would you agree to an FBI investigaion?

Deflect, deflect, deflect.

Unfortunately the anchors and reporters on CBS are buying his show wholesale.

This guy is going to be confirmed, I feel it. I am going to be sick.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 1:34 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


Jesus fucking Christ
posted by Iridic at 1:59 PM on September 27


Of course he'll be confirmed. This fucking dick weasel could pull his pants down and urinate all over the floor of the Senate on live TV, and the Republican asshats would praise him for it and vote him in. They are all about power, and this man on the Supreme Court is part of the ultimate power grab.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:00 PM on September 27 [4 favorites]


Is anyone else wondering what we do in the coming constitutional crisis?
posted by schadenfrau at 2:02 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


We suffer, I suspect. Same as always.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:07 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Sorry - but this is the Fucking-fuck thread. These assholes have leached away every last glimmer of hope I could muster. I expect the whole ball of wax to slide down into the Hellmouth any minute now.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:08 PM on September 27


I'm not ready to roll over dead, yet. But I'd feel better knowing there are others with me.
posted by schadenfrau at 2:08 PM on September 27 [3 favorites]


I keep thinking about the first of my own traumatic experiences. I was really young, but I remember thinking: if I can't stop this, I'm going to make this as difficult as possible. I'm going to make them suffer.

It's not a good memory. But it's a useful one.
posted by schadenfrau at 2:10 PM on September 27 [4 favorites]


I have been worrying, yes. Especially given that--what is the situation with Rosenstein--son of a bitch, that meeting is postponed until next week?!?

I just want to know when I need to take to the streets goddammit
posted by sciatrix at 2:11 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


I think, honestly, when it comes down to a Supreme Court decision that will effectively immunize Trump and the GOP. Or if they steal the midterms.

So: soon. Very soon. It's not hyperbole to say we should start preparing, if we haven't already.
posted by schadenfrau at 2:14 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


I'm with you. Just because I expect defeat doesn't mean I won't fight to the last. Been fighting all my long life - these scumbags may have murdered my hope, but that just makes me angry. I'm always stubborn, but hoo-boy when I get angry I really dig in.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:15 PM on September 27 [5 favorites]


Ok I just have one more comment and then I will shut up.

What have they done with Rachel Mitchell, the prosecutor acting for the Republicans ... did they hogtie her and shove her out the door? It is a freefall in there.

And oh yeah ... Lindsay Graham. Hateful, hateful man.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 2:24 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


I am here to vent.

I made the mistake of not knowing what day it was and visiting my very MAGA parents today. They were glued to the screen and screaming (literally) about liberals being liars and anyone who believes them are stupid and how disgusting they are for ruining Kavanaugh's life and ruining the lives of his daughters and, you know, even worse things, I obviously don't have to go on. My mother was SO FUCKING EXCITED about the calendars, because that was being discussed on right wing instagram earlier this week. (I wouldn't interpret their anger and screaming as signs of them cracking because they suspect the tide is turning; they are ALWAYS screaming at liberals on Fox News--it's a Two-Hour Hate in their household every weekday, and more if they also catch Laura Ingraham--this is just a Very Special Episode of their normal behavior and their normal reaction to liberals breathing. My exaggeration is very slight; they don't always rage during the commercials, and liberals can breathe if they're in Canada.)

I hate being around them, but I discovered today that I also have a hard time handling being around people who are optimistic about this. It's distressing me to see people thinking Kavanaugh's not going to be confirmed, people who think conservative women sympathize with or see themselves in Dr. Ford. (They would never do this to a Republican Supreme Court nominee, so they DON'T see themselves in her. Simple.) I hope to God I'm wrong, but so many people, especially the people with any power to do anything, are LOVING this, seeing Kavanaugh as a righteous victim, and how he's the fighter Trump picked him to be! Flake is probably sighing in relief right now, because this is going well for Kavanaugh. (I'm calling his office later, but ugh.) (I pray for the longevity and well-being of all the Supreme Court justices nightly so that this situation doesn't get worse, and I know in my heart that that does more good than Flake does.)

At the same time, THANK YOU to anyone who's optimistic. I hope we're all around for when we can feel one tiny bit relieved by the change we've fought for, in whatever degree of optimism/pessimism/anger/passion. I feel so fucking small for having a negative emotional reaction to people I agree with being hopeful. It's a terrible use of my energy.

Anyway. HEALTHIER MINDSET than centering myself around The Worst: I'm volunteering for a local candidate this weekend, the first time I'm doing volunteer work in person (I'm not sure what it's going to entail! I'm nervous and excited and obviously also still full of rage, I think that might be permanent now...), so I'm looking forward to that because I have more faith in my power to GOTV than to convince my "anti-Trump" senator to have a positive effect on the universe. (I'm feeling really bitter about Flake today. Though that's also kind of a long-term condition.)

And my God, Dr. Ford. I am so grateful for what she and others have done, did, and will do.
posted by mixedmetaphors at 2:35 PM on September 27 [9 favorites]


Thanks to Lindsey Graham, I now know what it's like to literally vomit with rage. I'm so ready for all of these old men to go.
posted by Lapin at 2:38 PM on September 27 [4 favorites]


MMMMMMMMMMMERRICK GARLAND

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
posted by sunset in snow country at 3:19 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


I dunno, guys. Despair is a sin and all that, but I’m only human, made of weak human stuff. Right now all I see is a future of pain and suffering and struggle and bloody resistance for anyone who isn’t a white male or completely compromised by white men.

The idea of outright conflict and armed resistance seems insane, and yet the more they force this, the more they insist on draconian minority rule, the fewer the paths to peaceful reconciliation.

I am honest to God regularly meditating on what I’ll do, if it comes to it. Like I have to accept “death by possible literal Nazi” as something that might be in my future. Which sounds crazy! But then you remember that the GOP is determinedly, joyfully marching towards fascism, and they might be on the brink of securing it, legally. And the first thing authoritarians do is go after the political opposition, in order to consolidate power and allow them to go after everyone else they hate. (Which would also put me on the list!)

So, death by Nazi is a regular feature of my thoughts now. Death by fucking Nazi.
posted by schadenfrau at 3:29 PM on September 27 [7 favorites]


Especially after today's spectacle, The Handmaid's Tale just keeping playing over and over in my mind. Over and over. That's what I keep coming back to, when I look at the situation we're in from the broad view. We fight it and fight it, but nevertheless keep inching further toward a State based on female subjugation. I guess it's easy to despair after bullshit like today, and forget that there's also real, steady, positive movement and fight that's come out of the backlash of the 2016 elections, and the rise of the #metoo movement. But a fight it is. There are powerful forces dug in against us. It's all so exhausting.

I'm totally out of "surely this" as even a cognitive reflex at this point. It's a fucking war, and the only thing that's going to save us is us. And the only true salvation is at the polls, wresting the power out of the hands of these motherfuckers. I can't properly quantify how disheartened I am by how many of my fellow Americans have turned out to be people that are...just totally disappointing to me, minority though they may be. Just gotta focus on continuing to ignite the folks that are on our side, I guess.

Anyway. Thanks for being there, Metafilter. It's always good emotional reinforcement to know that there are people out there that aren't batshit, or dead inside, or lacking in basic empathy, cognition, etc. I know there are a lot of us. But damned if watching the news and polls doesn't want to overwhelm that knowledge with the other.
posted by Brak at 4:52 PM on September 27 [4 favorites]


Instead of an intelligent well informed first woman president we are stuck in this morass of human stupidity. Hard not to be misanthropic these days.
posted by angrybear at 5:44 PM on September 27 [5 favorites]


Happier update to my Fucking Fuck: My kitten, while diagnosed with a chronic condition, does not have cancer! He will still be able to live a long happy life with a lot of medication and vet visits.
posted by daybeforetheday at 5:45 PM on September 27 [26 favorites]


This was...not a talk my own parents ever had with me. I didn't really want to have to have this conversation here, now, all at once, but goddammit, I want him to believe that all of us can be better to one another, and stand up to vile behavior.

Thanks for sharing this, MonkeyToes. I’ve been so thankful—in a very selfish way—that my daughter is only a toddler, unable to grok these things beyond her mom’s and dad’s ability to put our emotional anxiety aside when communing I’m her reality. She’s a she, so I know my days are numbered—I’ll be damned if she’s not going to be prepared for this world that will inevitably be thrust upon her—but I’m trying to bask in the innocence, for as long as it lasts.

I hope that, each step of the way, I can find the words you’ve found.
posted by Brak at 6:06 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Representatives of 35% of the country will select a rapist to overturn Roe v. Wade.

We gotta stop acting like any of these once-institutions are legitimate. Not the SC, not the WH, not congress if neither house is retaken. It's not necessarily defeatist to say that the short lifespan of "America" has ended: it's a fact. And if we want to salvage or rebuild anything from the wreckage, we need to accept the existence of that wreckage. Because schadenfrau's death by fucking Nazi is the result both of ignorant inaction and defeatism.
posted by Rust Moranis at 6:08 PM on September 27 [11 favorites]


Is anyone else wondering what we do in the coming constitutional crisis?

im sure it will surprise absolutely no one to learn that i will most likely be doing crimes
posted by poffin boffin at 6:17 PM on September 27 [22 favorites]


Despair is a sin

lol according to everyone in this country who talks about sin my entire existence is an abomination and literally every time someone posts this in a thread all i can think about is how many people who consider themselves good old fashioned god fearing americans would scream their throats raw with frothing wild-eyed glee if they saw me die
posted by poffin boffin at 6:23 PM on September 27 [22 favorites]


I've been thinking about the following for a long time, I just didn't have the words until today. schadenfrau, please understand that it isn't aimed at you in any way. And I hate that you're feeling the need to think about Death by fucking Nazi. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't thinking about it too.

I hate the phrase "Despair is a sin." Because it implies the existence of a diety who is keeping score, and that despair offends the Great Scorekeeper. Not just offends, but hurts him. So despair is shameful and mean, and you're a terrible person for having feelings.

Fuck that noise.

It sounds like another trite slogan that is used to force people into culturally desirable behaviours. Especially women. One more self-deceptive bit of brain programming. It might have other context, some people might find it inspirational, I don't know. I think it is insulting on many levels.

First, the Great Scorekeeper is presumably secure enough in its awesomeness that it can take a few hits, if indeed that's a thing that can do it any damage, or it even notices.

We should despair. Despair is the absence of hope. Hope is a drug that makes people complacent and docile. Hope doesn't get shit done. Anger gets shit done. Which is why no one is allowed to be angry anymore. Being angry is impolite, which is the worst thing ever. Because no one should ever make anyone else feel uncomfortable, no matter what. If that happened, accountability might go both ways! We can't have that! It would be anarchy!

Basically, I doubt that I'm going to have to bake an I was wrong, it actually was appalling enough cake.

On preview: I agree with you Rust Moranis, but I think that things haven't gotten even close to bad enough for a sufficient amount of the people for the illusion of a functional nation to be broken. Though I do think that the China trade tariffs will help speed that up a bit.
posted by monopas at 6:33 PM on September 27 [11 favorites]


Or what poffin boffin said.

I'm slow on the post button today and keep getting scooped by the more eloquent amongst our desperate fellowship.
posted by monopas at 6:37 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


It's been a rough fucking day. I mean, I know y'all know that, but goddamn, this is been a rough fucking day of a rough fuckign week, of a rough fucking scaramucchi, of a millennium, of a timeline that insists on curving us farther and farther into the darkness.

I'm just devastated by today. I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball, under blanket, and eat ice cream and pretend I'm five and still believed in goodness and light always prevailing over darkness and evil.

Instead, Snidely Whiplash is about to be confirmed, despite the fact that he's clearly unbalanced, he is incapable of ruling fairly if there's a hint of leftward thought in the case, he despises women and does not think they are people outside of how they service men, and my stomach hurts and I hate everything.

Tomorrow is another day, and if able, I will join the protests tomorrow at local senator's office...probably Cornyn rather than Cruz, cause I don't want any of the 10,000 cockroaches in a badly fitting human suit to get on me. But goddamn, I am swimming in molasses.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:49 PM on September 27 [8 favorites]


monopas said: Hope is a drug that makes people complacent and docile.

Traditionally, when the story of Pandora's box is told, and Pandora opens the box, and after the evils fly away, she's left with hope...and it's told in western mythology as a happy ending.

In Arabic legend, the worst of the torments is Hope. There can be cures for disease, hate can be modified, injustice can be righted, but Hope...Hope is what makes us slaves.


And now, angry, and hopeless, and sharpening our knives for the next fight, let us refill our store of light by adoring baby chinchillas.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 7:05 PM on September 27 [14 favorites]


I hadn’t previously recognized what a true piece of garbage Cornyn was beyond the generic GOP trash until this latest shitshow, mainly I guess since Cruz’ deplorableness gave him some shade from scrutiny. Astonishing.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:08 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


One thing I'm concerned about is that Facebook may keep certain content with a recognizably partisan bent from jumping too far past the partisan gap. Not intentionally; it's just that if a group of e.g. liberals often Like certain content together, then when you post something and the first few people that Like it are liberals, Facebook may decide that this is mostly relevant to that particular Like-minded set of likers and show it to more liberals.

So I posted my #whyIdidntreport story and filtered it only be visible to conservative friends. No need to preach to the choir here, or trick Facebook into thinking it's only relevant to that group of liberals that are likely to react to it. I don't know exactly why I feel as nervous as I do. Hopefully this wasn't a big stupid mistake.
posted by Jpfed at 7:24 PM on September 27 [7 favorites]


MonkeyToes, thank you so much for being the kind of parent society needs now.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:17 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


I hadn’t previously recognized what a true piece of garbage Cornyn was beyond the generic GOP trash until this latest shitshow, mainly I guess since Cruz’ deplorableness gave him some shade from scrutiny. Astonishing.

I actually hate John Cornyn more than I hate Cruz, mostly because when my spouse's immigration case got mysteriously delayed at USCIS, I wrote to my senators' and House representative offices to ask for help on finding out what was up. USCIS makes this kind of fuck-up so often, and requests are so frequent, that the offices of Congressional representatives have entire offices dedicated to inquiring on open immigration cases.

Weirdly, Cruz? Cruz was the only one who even responded to me. Cornyn and my House rep at the time, that fucklord Mike McCaul--they just blew me off completely. Never inquired, never tried. It's such a small thing, such a petty thing, but I've carried it with me for going on five years now. He's a lazy, indolent, nasty bastard who thinks his position is unassailable in Texas, and he won't bestir himself for anyone unless he thinks it might sooth his fat oilbird base.
posted by sciatrix at 9:23 PM on September 27 [6 favorites]


Sorry - but this is the Fucking-fuck thread. These assholes have leached away every last glimmer of hope I could muster. I expect the whole ball of wax to slide down into the Hellmouth any minute now.

I'm looking around to see if that weird guy with all the cheese slices shows up. [/buffy mode]
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:40 PM on September 27 [3 favorites]


I just want to say what a terrible fucking day.
posted by great_radio at 10:22 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Yeah. I'm neither a survivor nor a woman and I feel extremely shitty and wish that I hadn't watched the hearing. It's extraordinarily rare for me to watch anything televised related to politics, including most hearings. I watched this because I felt like I needed to see Dr. Ford's testimony. And I guess because this felt like it would be historic. It was.

It felt like it was twenty hours. I can't imagine how awful this was for so many women.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:40 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]


Cody Keenan:

"I can't stand half of you. I love beer. The clintons are conspiring against me. I *love* beer. I don't have a drinking problem, you have a drinking problem. If you don't hire me, I'll never stop trying to get my revenge."

- An actual job interview that happened on live TV today


- - - - -

I was skimming comments on the hearing before I went to work and there were accounts of women tearing up on the subway or in the senate overflow room listening to Ford's testimony. I don't think Ford's pain and endurance were all for nothing but it's sure going to seem that way for a long time. I just wish I could apologize to everyone for everything on behalf of everybody.
posted by mark k at 10:49 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]


This fucking day, eh? yasaman captured my feeling brilliantly earlier in the thread by saying this is surprisingly upsetting even for those of us women who have been "blessed" to not have a sexual assault in our past. Like I've been reliving patriarchy's greatest hits this week fo reals but for me that's JUST being followed home at 1am and being catcalled and that guy who tried to pick me up in his van when I was 15 (and I guess the one incident of dicey consent, ugh). And now I'm rage-browsing at 2am. I phonebanked and I'm going to the protest at Senator Feinstein's office tomorrow and I'm just generally trying to hold down the fort and bring about the reckoning for those who can't even this week. But man. I probably shouldn't have watched as much of the hearing as I did. I hope it is NOT a historic moment, because only us nerds seem to know who Bork even is and I wish the same fate for Kavanaugh. But it has been a hard week.
posted by sunset in snow country at 2:13 AM on September 28 [4 favorites]


Not even Gritty can make me laugh today. NOT EVEN GRITTY
posted by angrycat at 4:06 AM on September 28 [3 favorites]


Yesterday was a shitshow. I still think he'll be confirmed. So yeah. Fuck.
posted by kimberussell at 4:23 AM on September 28


Yeah, unfortunately, Kavanaugh played straight to the heart of white male privilege. And it's going to work.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 5:00 AM on September 28


I couldn’t make it through all of Dr. Ford’s testimony - it was too painful and the whole sham of the thing just made me want to puke. But that when that asshole showed up? I listened, and I shouted. There was so much shouting in my empty house. Fuck the patriarchy and entitled, egotistical men who can throw a temper tantrum in public and get praised for “showing strength.” How can anyone want to work with such an asshole, let alone unleash them upon the future of the entire country? Why do assholes get what they want by being even bigger assholes? How is this OK? How is this admired by other assholes? I just don’t understand how this is a way that things still work. Like, were kings and emperors huge entitled assholes, and then generations of men were socialized to understand that powerful means act like a total fucking dick, who the fuck cares about the people around you as long as you get yours?

I am 100% anti-asshole. I am pissed that as a Minnesotan my DFL choice for Attorney General is that fucking asshole Keith Ellison. Why the fuck should I feel fortunate that I only have one asshole to vote for? My husband once hired a contractor to replace our house door because he had a product he wanted, despite the fact that I had misgivings because the dude was clearly an asshole. Turns out assholes do shitty jobs and are total assholes when you call them on it. I did not feel comfortable being alone in my house with that guy. I am never hiring an asshole again, I certainly don’t want to vote for one.

Why have I been raised and socialized to believe that if I express my needs, that if I seek what’s best for me, that I am being an asshole for not prioritizing the needs of others? Why do assholes have the power to turn that shit around and make non-assholes feel guilty and not good enough? Why is it just assholes all around?

Fucking fuck.
posted by Maarika at 5:03 AM on September 28 [11 favorites]


Fucker never made the least indication that he knew or remembered Blasey Ford. Fucker.
posted by klarck at 5:39 AM on September 28


is endless primal screaming good here or do there need to be phonemes also
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:01 AM on September 28 [6 favorites]


So here is what I am wondering:

The big cultural moment currently is women and men from all walks of life finally, sometimes after half a century, telling their stories of sexual assault, abuse and harassment. All these dudes are like, "Whoa guys, that's a lot! We had no idea!"

Yeah, it is a lot. Which would imply that there are a lot of dudes walking around out there who have perpetrated assaults, abuse and harassment. We saw yesterday a woman displaying incredible courage and strength, and other women around the world took their own courage from her in order to speak as well. Then, a guy came up and did what we all have come to expect: DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).

So, who is the dude who is going to model for other dudes what admitting to having done these things in the past looks like? Because, like I said above, the guy who sexually bullied me for a couple years in high school I guaren-fucking-tee didn't watch this hearing thinking "I kinda did this sort of thing too." He's likely forgotten because it wasn't a big deal to him.

So, guys, I am begging you all. Think back. What did you see? What did you maybe even do? What was normalized for you that you now realize was wrong? Were you snapping bra straps in middle school? Spread a rumor about a girl being a slut? Catch a quick feel in the hallway? Stand by while other guys did something you knew was wrong but said nothing?

Because you need to show other men what self awareness and contrition looks like. This isn't for us, we know. This is your turn to educate and model behavior for other men and let us take a breather for a bit. Because fuck, I am exhausted.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:06 AM on September 28 [20 favorites]


So I thought my mother and I shared the same values and because I'm visiting next week was IM'ing and mentioned I had arranged to donate to the anti-Collins campaign. She says she's disappointed in the Democrats for the smear campaign and thinks Dr Ford can't bring up accusations this late in the process and that it was typical boys behaviour for the time and I just GRAAAAHAHAHHHHHHHH!!!! Fucking fucky fuck.

It got to a point where I have said "we will discuss this in person when I visit" and I am now just trying to what even. This is such an inversion of the parents-disappointed-in-you trope.
posted by Molesome at 6:13 AM on September 28 [1 favorite]


Maybe this, the Trump administration, is a dividing line between generations.
posted by ZeusHumms at 6:15 AM on September 28 [1 favorite]


I'm up super early because I can't sleep anymore. I'm too frightened, angry, and emotionally exhausted.

For the last week I've been writing scripts and letters, making calls on my lunch breaks, trying to desperately for some of these horrible, powerful Rapepublican men to give a fuck. I watched Doctor Blasey Ford's testimony, and saw fragments of Kavanaugh's unhinged tantrum.

What I take away from this shameful spectacle is that if I'm raped, I'll never be able to count on getting any sort of real justice. I am also reminded of so many unwanted touches that I've felt compelled to just "let go" because no court packed with straight men would consider my experiences to be harmful, much less do anything about it. I know being a trans woman with some weird history and mental health problems would basically be an automatic disqualifier for justice. I feel shame over those incidents outside my control and shame for feeling shame about it because I *know* better. Still, what I've experienced is much milder than so many other women, that it feels like I'd be whining to complain.

I think of the extremely vulnerable people I work with, who've survived sexual assaults but never got justice. I think of how I am legally obligated to report any such incidents I hear about, but are not likely to result in real justice for the survivors.

Lately my sense of fear being near to adult men--groups of white men, in particular-- keeps increasing. So scared.
posted by Excommunicated Cardinal at 6:16 AM on September 28 [8 favorites]


I spent half the morning just doodling angrily in my sketchbook. Came up with this.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:36 AM on September 28 [1 favorite]


I'm never speaking up. If anything of this nature ever happens, I know better than to report. You ruin your life and a fuckwad still gets whatever he wants.

My boss was being optimistic today ("eh, Trump won't last six more years, he'll die") sort of thing and I ... just can't. I don't see any realistic hope and I can't just hope because "if you're alive, there's hope!"
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:51 AM on September 28 [7 favorites]


I'm ragey this morning. Since I was a small child I have had to struggle with abuse, assault, harassment, you name it, with little to no consequence for almost all of the (all male, mostly white) perpetrators, and I am STILL a kind, loving, decent person who contributes a crapton to society and does not perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT HOW HARD I HAVE HAD TO WORK TO CONTINUE TO EXIST.

Thank you for listening <3
posted by wellred at 6:59 AM on September 28 [17 favorites]


So, last night, I ended up going to a concert. I did not want to. Even aside from the omnishambles clusterfuck hearings, and all the other terrible things happening simultaneously, work has been difficult and stressful. My kid is also going through some separation anxiety, and really, really did not want us to go.

But my friend came halfway across the country to see this show, and this band was also the soundtrack for some of the most significant events of my life -- I've seen the National live more than any other band. I fell in love with my husband to the National. I made life-long friends listening to the National. In 2008, when I was putting on a coat and shoes, so that I could join the cheering, joyful crowds in the streets celebrating on Election Night -- Fake Empire was playing through my tinny laptop speakers, because that's what they were broadcasting at the Chicago victory celebration.

So I went reluctantly, but it was unexpectedly cathartic, probably because the lead singer was furious and upset and on edge and in a position to voice it. When I've been to see the National before, it's been a very buttoned-up, play-the-damn-music show. But we heard about the Democrat challenging the terrible Republican in the House District the lead singer grew up in. They invited the first opening act up onstage to sing a duet with them, knowing that it would give us a chance her remarkably lovely voice, many of us for the first time, since the crowd was basically middle-aged upper middle class office workers who probably couldn't make a 7:00 concert start time. They made a point of covering one of Cat Power's songs at the start of the encore -- she was the second opening act, and he specifically identified it as one of her songs and one of his favorite songs when he wanted emotional healing. It was political at many, many points, and it was deeply moving to hear a voice that I've been listening to for a decade-plus acknowledge things that way.

In fact, when some asshole out in the crowd yelled, "Play some music!", he yelled back, "This is music! What band did you think you came to see, motherfucker?"

I may shouted some obscenities in support of that. I also ended up crying during the show, mostly during things that reminded me of Obama and the way I felt that night in 2008 when he was elected.

Did that concert change anything substantively? Probably not.

But it made a big difference to me. I cried during "Fake Empire" and screamed during "Mr. November," and I cried again during the big singalong that's been the last song of their encore for at least the last few tours. But I signed up for Postcards to Voters this morning.

I hope everybody in this thread gets a chance soon to feel seen and heard and understood in public like that.
posted by joyceanmachine at 7:12 AM on September 28 [14 favorites]


my daughter asked me if she can take karate lessons and after all this i am like “yes, yes, and then knife fighting, and then all the subtlest of poisons, and then i send you out into the world to collect the scalps of evil men”
posted by murphy slaw at 7:26 AM on September 28 [40 favorites]


This is such an inversion of the parents-disappointed-in-you trope.

I am so tired of being the child in the weak, vulnerable position faced with being publicly disappointed in the pathetic and indifferent morality of my elders. I am tired of patiently explaining basic decency to people who literally wiped my ass as a child--who should have been teaching me --and hoping desultorily for change. I am tired of trying to teach the people who clutch their virtue tight to their breasts that they need to give a shit about other people.

I am so fucking tired of children teaching parents who won't fucking listen! I am so fucking tired of the abdication of responsibility by the elderly, wealthy and secure! I am tired of my hands shaking when I try to do my job! I am so fucking tired of this inevitable fucking bullshit!
posted by sciatrix at 7:30 AM on September 28 [16 favorites]


I am feeling so despondent and hopeless. I have been crying all week long. I can't get a thing at work done (especially yesterday). I can't stop watching the news. I despair for my stepdaughter and my nieces to have to grow up in this world. My mental health has been great for years (after a lifetime of depression) but this has shaken me to my core. I just want to run away and hide somewhere. I wish I had some fight in me but the message about my value as a woman has been loud and clear. I just don't even know what to do with myself.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 7:32 AM on September 28 [3 favorites]


One tiny bright spot in all of this: our cat has started using the litterbox normally again, and a visit to the vet didn't show any kind of bowel or bladder problems, so we're back to just trying to reassure her that things are okay and hugging her as much as she'll put up with. (She is a strong independent woman who don't need no [hu]man.)

Also, I sent in my absentee ballot yesterday, on which I voted straight Democrat and to raise sales taxes for purposes of investing in schools and roads, two things I very much believe in even though I'm not actually using those particular ones at the moment.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:43 AM on September 28 [5 favorites]


What if the problem wasn't that men didn't believe women but that men simply don't care about women? If they cared but didn't believe, maybe they could be swayed with facts, figures, testimonials, etc... But if they just don't care... what then? Fuck.
posted by mhum at 7:51 AM on September 28 [11 favorites]


I didn't report because I was dating him at the time and it started consensual and ended...not. We had mutual friends who still invited him to their parties. (Just bad sex, what's my problem anyway, yada yada.) Later I found out it was a pattern, and years later it continues to be a pattern. Geek social fallacies plus a missing stair for a Venn diagram of shit.

Fortunately my current partner is supportive, loving and sensible. When I told him last night that I'm sorry but I really fucking hate all men right now he said, "I'd be surprised if you didn't. We're horrible." We have a male friend who is going through a tough time. We decided my partner will be the one to reach out to him because much as I love this person, due to RAGE I don't have the patience or bandwidth for the emotional labor involved. I'm trying to not drink. I want to drink everything.

I looked up women- and POC-owned businesses in my area so I can put money where my mouth is.

poffin boffin, if you plan to start a gang or a dojo or something I would like to submit an application.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:57 AM on September 28 [12 favorites]


#whyididntreport Because I reported the first time it happened (well, my mother dragged it out of me) and the only one who suffered any negative consequences was me. That included both the perpetrators and the responsible adults who should have been looking out for me. It was an object lesson in the art of victim-blaming. Also, the subsequent abusers were extended family members, one of whom I had been told to "not let him get me alone," so it would have been my fault for failing to evade him.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:33 AM on September 28 [4 favorites]


I am so fucking tired of children teaching parents who won't fucking listen!

I've had these lyrics in my head A LOT lately.

Come gather 'round, people,
Wherever you roam,
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown,

And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you is worth savin',
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come, Senators, Congressmen,
Please heed the call.
Don't stand in the doorway;
Don't block up the hall,

For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled.
There's a battle outside, and it's ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls,

For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land,
And don't criticize
What you can't understand.

Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command;
Your old road is rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand,

For the times they are a-changin'.

P.S. Hooray for Kitty Bad Example!

posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:44 AM on September 28 [17 favorites]


I too voted yesterday via email (expat). Straight Democrat, and checked to make sure the ballot is in today. Done and done. I wish "wearing a goddamn hole in the ballot with writing implement" or like "flamethrower" was an acceptable method, as in "fucking NOOO I would NOT like to limit anyone's abortion options" etc, but I'll take regular checkboxes I guess if I have to.
posted by sacchan at 8:59 AM on September 28 [1 favorite]


Ok, I risked bursting into tears at my desk to even Google this poem for y'all, but:

Let Us Rise by Fernando Pérez
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:41 AM on September 28 [2 favorites]


I just burst into maniacal, teary laughter. My sister, an Evangelical unapologetic Trumpist, who yesterday posted a meme mocking Dr Blasey Ford, just posted about how the election is between “good and evil.” Finally, my sister and I agree on something politically, except very much NO.

Also. I am a rape survivor who owned my alcohol addiction last year and I’m maintaining my sobriety. I’m my own gat danged HERO right now.
posted by Ruki at 9:51 AM on September 28 [41 favorites]


I became angry enough with my grandmother for daring to ask "how are you doing?" and act like I haven't spoken to her for--for something that she doesn't need to specifically apologize for, for something she doesn't have to act in response to, to respond today. It probably isn't a good idea. I don't think I actually care.

When I am weary, I have a warm bed in which to rest.
When I am hungry, I have a hot meal to fill my belly.
When I sorrow, I have friends to grieve with me.

I have the comfort of my convictions and the knowledge that I pay for this abundance by offering meals to the hungry, education to the curious, compassion for those in pain, welcome for the homeless: if I help other people, they too help me.

I am often afraid, but I do what I can with the power I have to hand. I am always as honest as I can be, even when the truth is painful or unpalatable. I do what is right, as best I can tell, every day, and I walk as far as I can.

And I console myself with the knowledge that I have never been tempted to aid and abet treason for the sake of power.

That's how I'm doing.


I am done with Republicans or those who have supported them daring--daring!--to expect forgiveness without doing the work necessary to actually atone. I am done with people asking me to reach over the aisle when they can't even acknowledge what they have done. I am done with both sides. I am done with turning the other cheek. I am done with nice family Thanksgivings.

Pay for your deeds by being quiet and accepting the consequences for your actions! These are people who won't shut the fuck up about accountability, unless, of course, someone acts like accountability might also apply to them.
posted by sciatrix at 9:56 AM on September 28 [15 favorites]


I sat at work yesterday and tried to figure out a Spotify playlist that would make my non-noise-cancelling headphones properly block out the fact that people a couple feet away were talking about how awful it was that this poor man was being put through all this.

A tiny bit of my faith in humanity was restored by leaving work to find a white guy chalking BELIEVE WOMEN onto the sidewalks outside the office. By which I mean I still feel at the gut level like men are almost exclusively garbage, but at least I've managed to walk it back to "almost".

It's still bad enough that I'm working from home today for what I acknowledge is a mostly bullshit reason just so I don't have to look people in the face and not say something that gets me fired. The worst part is that one of the people involved in that conversation was a woman my age who was kind of making overtures towards being friends. And I just keep realizing that cishet white people are not by default safe, that making friends at work is just not a thing I get to do, that part of being who I am and living in Nebraska is going to involve a certain constant level of fear no matter what I do.

I keep telling myself I know I need to move, but god moving probably means giving up everything I have again--just taking some clothes and my computer and the cats and starting over, and where am I supposed to find the energy for that at 37.
posted by Sequence at 9:57 AM on September 28 [10 favorites]


Where's the petition for McCain's tumor to come out of retirement
posted by Rust Moranis at 10:00 AM on September 28 [7 favorites]



God damn it. *Hugs y'all*
posted by fizzix at 10:18 AM on September 28 [1 favorite]

“Nobody in the world, nobody in history, has ever gotten their freedom by appealing to the moral sense of the people who were oppressing them.”

― Assata Shakur, Assata: An Autobiography
posted by mhum at 10:20 AM on September 28 [18 favorites]


given that the republicans look for the following features in supreme court nominees:
  • inherited wealth and privilege.
  • elite university pedigree.
  • an established track record of violence against women.
  • youth, so they stay on the court a good long while.
I hypothesize that if the Kavanaugh nomination fails, they will try to appoint Brock Turner.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 10:24 AM on September 28 [11 favorites]


I wish I had some fight in me but the message about my value as a woman has been loud and clear. I just don't even know what to do with myself.

I am trying to maintain just in general but this morning I could not resist snapping at my partner that I wasn't doing laundry today because the nation has made it clear that I'm not a person anymore, and if I'm not a person, I'm sure as FUCK never doing laundry again.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:50 AM on September 28 [23 favorites]


I'm very not-confident about the possibility of the FBI doing anything at all. I can easily foresee no investigation but all the middling Republicans still voting to confirm on the basis that they ASKED for an investigation and what more do you expect, huh?
posted by InTheYear2017 at 12:37 PM on September 28


The FBI investigation covers some of the waffly Republicans either way.

FBI finds something: I can't vote for that (no can do).

FBI "doesn't find something"*: The FBI cleared him so I can vote in good conscience.

* All they'd need to do is read through the megathread and follow up to find something.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:04 PM on September 28


Plus it's a week for information to come out from other sources.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:04 PM on September 28


JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS THIS SHIT
posted by MiraK at 2:19 PM on September 28 [5 favorites]


I lost yesterday to Ford & Kavanaugh, somehow in the process putting my blood pressure up into stroke territory, which I am taking medication to control, so I take my blood pressure as a hobby now.

I am behind in Calculus and our first test is Monday, and SO I DON'T HAVE A DAY TO THROW AWAY. Thanks, jock-frat assholes, for ruining my day once again.
posted by rhizome at 2:44 PM on September 28 [4 favorites]


Not political at all, just a garden variety homeowner disaster, but Today We Learned that previous owners of our house (presumably the people who flipped it in 2009, not the people who bought it from the flippers and sold it to us in 2013) had done an illegal heavy up and we now need to have a licensed electrician come out and do the same work again, but properly. We called the electric utility because our lights were flickering and the UPSes kept beeping, and the technician could tell the work had been done improperly before he set foot in the house. He showed me where some of the shoddy work was inside the house and then he reconnected the supply line on the outside wall with the proper hardware (the neutral wire had previously been attached with a strain relief clamp and mostly held by electrical tape), but it's now on us to pay for doing it right. With money we don't have because I've been out of work for eleven months. Fuckety fuckety fuck.
posted by fedward at 3:03 PM on September 28 [5 favorites]


So... it seems like my sibling. who I already knew molested my close family member, also molested my other sibling. And now I get to wonder if my lack of childhood memories is maybe because I was, too? JFC.
posted by greermahoney at 3:47 PM on September 28 [7 favorites]


So does it ever pay off to stand the higher ground? I don't feel like "They go low; we go high." ever pays off in the end.

Being the bigger woman doesn't seem to be helping. We've been living with this patriarchy and tolerating it for WAY too long. What's next?
posted by hydra77 at 4:47 PM on September 28 [7 favorites]


A few years back I found out that my (long-dead) father had been a serial sexual abuser, and that my mother covered for him his entire life and beyond.

Also I found out that I was very unfair for asking questions about it because it is in the past and we must live in the present. and that it was particularly unfair of me to ask questions about the ages of the people he abused, and that it was especially particularly unfair, cruel even, that I asked questions about why my mother allowed me to spend time with him alone, even after the two of them divorced.

> And now I get to wonder if my lack of childhood memories is maybe because I was, too? JFC.

My memories feel complete, but apparently there was an apartment we lived in when I was five or so that I don't remember at all. clear memories of the apartment before, clear memories of the apartment after, no memories of that apartment.

so that's fun to think about.

The shit of it is that by the time I found out, the only person available to be mad at was my mother, who is on the one hand a habitual gaslighter... but who is also one of his victims, who he kept victimizing for decades.

patriarchy ruins everything it touches. it's been six thousand years or so since the grabby men took control. let's be the generation that overthrows them. it's wicker man time.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 4:51 PM on September 28 [15 favorites]


So does it ever pay off to stand the higher ground? I don't feel like "They go low; we go high." ever pays off in the end

I don't think it does in politics, esp. now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:45 PM on September 28


yeah instead of "when they go low, we go high," we should be thinking "when they go low, we act as a disciplined bloc to destroy them."
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 5:54 PM on September 28 [10 favorites]


patriarchy ruins everything it touches. it's been six thousand years or so since the grabby men took control. let's be the generation that overthrows them. it's wicker man time.

As a man, I have to say that I don't really agree with this. There are too many symbols of patriarchal power as it is. I humbly suggest that men be burned in wicker women, instead. Just seems more fitting, somehow.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:32 PM on September 28 [4 favorites]


Reclusive, I’m so sorry.

I’ve found out tonight that my mother knew and... didn’t stop it? Didn’t protect small children? Probably because it would have been a scandal or wasn’t her business to interfere with another family or maybe just that they were 1,000 miles away and she had no concrete proof so why try? I don’t know yet. But my mom is 83 and I see her once a year and I doubt I’ll be bringing it up over Christmas dinner. This all sucks. Silence caused all of this. No one would fucking talk about and so the cycle continued over and over. But god forbid we speak up and “ruin a man’s reputation!” I know the Kavanaugh thing is making this harder for me to process calmly. I say: “When they go low, I kick em while they’re down.”
posted by greermahoney at 6:34 PM on September 28 [7 favorites]


I’m sure she fucking prayed on it every night for years. Look at all the good that did. I guess when your religion covers up sexual abuse for decades (centuries?) the followers assume that’s the way god wants you to handle it.
posted by greermahoney at 6:39 PM on September 28 [5 favorites]


So does it ever pay off to stand the higher ground?

Only in the stories the winners tell about how they won, long after the battles are over.

They’re never true.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:53 PM on September 28 [3 favorites]


Yeah, there’s no rules in a fight for survival. You gouge out their eyes and bite at the balls. Literally no rules.

I’m so sorry more of you have to play blank memory-known perpetrator roulette. It’s a cruel fucking game with no clear end, and it’s especially frustrating because it’s just....

It’s so unfathomable. I think about my mother’s family, where 4/10 of them were raped or sexual abused that I know of, and how it kept happening because no one ever confronted it. They knew, they just didn’t talk about it.

Even coming from that family, even understanding the Irish Catholicness of it, it still breaks my fucking brain to think about how cut off you have to be from your own pain, your own feelings, from empathy for yourself, to manage that. Because it’s almost never one way — you can’t shut down in one area and not others.

It’s a life lived in a dissociated fog. Entire generations. I don’t know. I don’t know if that describes anyone else’s family. But mine...generations of zombies.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:00 PM on September 28 [11 favorites]


Folks, four days is A Bad Score.

No shit.
posted by petebest at 7:07 PM on September 28 [5 favorites]


I have nowhere to direct my leftist feminist killjoy battery acid except here right now, so:

1. I get why people are enjoying the Kavanaugh hearing-Pulp Fiction mashup, I mean I was amused too, but have people really forgot that quickly about how Quentin Tarantino was implicated a year ago in the Me Too stuff? Come the fuck on.

2. OK cool, the whole "let's do an FBI investigation before we really vote on Kavanaugh" tactic bought us a week, but at the end of the day FUCK THE FBI. I'm so sick of people who keep pinning their hopes on the FBI. FBI investigated Anita Hill's claims and Clarence Thomas is still on the fucking court. I'm fucking embarrassed by people who claim to be progressives who don't have a decent history of like, fucking COINTELPRO and how the FBI infiltrated tons of feminist organizations. The FBI will not fucking save us. Come the FUCK on.

3. Fuck the men who keep turning this whole wave of women's anger into their own feelings and how they feel. I was making some very angry comments from a very pained place the other day about the Republican men on the judiciary and a guy in my inner circle who KNOWS BETTER was going down the "Well, actually" and I was like "Dude, you need to step aside on this right now" and then I get this long dumb text about "I didn't mean to offend you BUT [lots of dumb shit about how what I said was unacceptable in his eyes]" It was clear he was personalizing something that had nothing to do with him. Dear men: fuck your feelings. I'm not here to make you feel better.

COME! THE! FUCK! ON!!!!!
posted by mostly vowels at 7:30 PM on September 28 [10 favorites]


but have people really forgot that quickly about how Quentin Tarantino was implicated a year ago in the Me Too stuff?

Yup. Either I missed that one in the metoo deluge, or I forgot. Thanks for the reminder.
posted by greermahoney at 7:38 PM on September 28 [2 favorites]


That describes my family. I used to joke that our motto is deny deny deny. My mother tells me she has no feelings outright. Her mother was the same. I was the same and then after multiple attempts to end my life ended up in therapy. Started to talk about my feelings and suddenly those 11 blank years I had fell away. And I literally went insane. Like hospitalized insane and got more ptsd from that as our society does not appreciate ugly survivors.

That's what hurt watching the testimony. Watching that and thinking I would never be believed. Maybe at first but now that I had a 4 year breakdown because my brain couldn't handle all that men have done to me I know I will never be believed. It hurts. On my bad days I think I failed at surviving. I'm not triumphant. Not brave. Not strong. I lost my mind and went crazy over what happened. I'm the survivor that people hide from. Too noisy. Too dramatic. Why dont they get over it? My abuse was weird and twisted no one would believe it. In movies people like me are the killers because of their dissociation. Everything in society tells me to shut up. So have therapists. That hurts.

Sorry. I'm just.. so so tired of having to spend what feels like my entire life to heal from what happened as a child. Not counting the other sexual assaults.

I'm out of that crazy phase but I don't trust people. I dumped all my Male friends after one said so hurtful things because I called him on his racism. So i'm healing but I don't leave the house much. Don't let men in. Don't go out at night. Don't talk to really anyone. Except online. And i'm so so tired of it all. I can only hope the next generation in my family has a better chance.

How many generations is this going to take? When can we rest?
posted by kanata at 8:44 PM on September 28 [19 favorites]


kanata, I’m so sorry. You feel you failed at surviving but you’re still here, so I don’t think you failed at all. They tried to take everything, but you didn’t let them. I think you’re strong.

How long will it take? Much longer than we have, but they won’t get there without us. We’re doing the hard work so someday they might have a chance at happiness. That’s what I think, anyway. I’m glad you’re here with us.
posted by greermahoney at 8:51 PM on September 28 [4 favorites]


@11thHour: BREAKING: The @LATimes reports FBI agents are expanding their Kavanaugh investigation beyond Blasey Ford's allegation seeking to immediately interview another woman.
posted by joedan at 9:53 PM on 9/28
[2 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]


Be still my beating heart...
posted by Mental Wimp at 9:58 PM on September 28


Oh! I missed this! Laid off.
posted by infinitewindow at 11:16 AM on September 29


MORE KNIVES. LESS SPOONS.
posted by loquacious at 4:49 PM on September 29 [4 favorites]


I am sitting on a dock and reading and someone I've been texting came along to say hi and I mentioned that I had gone to a protest last night and he said "you know, sometimes I feel like the #metoo Movement has gone too far, I feel very uncomfortable with the court of public opinion and the preponderance of evidence standard schools use for accusations of sexual assault, I've been on committees where I had to find in favor of people I didn't believe were assaulted because of that standard." And I gave the shpiel about how rare false allegations are and how unlikely people are to report and then he said some nonsense about he said she said and how unfair it is that girls can just change their mind and it becomes rape and I said ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT and he said some nonsense about mind reading being impossible and then I told him I was going to get back to my book, bye. Fuck that noise.
posted by ChuraChura at 7:06 AM on September 30 [15 favorites]


Books Before Bullshit, ChuraChura.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:26 AM on September 30 [5 favorites]


Watching ABC's This Week this morning, and I was yelling at Alex Castellanos (R, natch) because his stupid WASP male privileged self kept repeatedly interrupting and trying to talk over the other women on the panel who were discussing Dr. Ford's testimony and the other women accusers of Kavanaugh. I could melt steel with my rage right now.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 7:30 AM on September 30


“you know, sometimes I feel like the #metoo Movement has gone too far”

IMMEDIATE BLOCK.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:14 AM on September 30 [8 favorites]


I want some scientists to investigate why men hate women so much and if there's anything we can do about that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:29 AM on September 30 [3 favorites]


MORE KNIVES. LESS SPOONS.

SHARPEN SPOONS INTO SHIVS.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:44 AM on September 30 [2 favorites]


This came across my FB feed and it didn't seem appropriate for the current events thread, so I thought I'd share it here:

Revenge
by Elisa Chavez

Since you mention it, I think I will start that race war.

I could’ve swung either way? But now I’m definitely spending
the next 4 years converting your daughters to lesbianism;
I’m gonna eat all your guns. Swallow them lock stock and barrel
and spit bullet casings onto the dinner table;

I’ll give birth to an army of mixed-race babies.
With fathers from every continent and genders to outnumber the stars,
my legion of multiracial babies will be intersectional as fuck
and your swastikas will not be enough to save you,

because real talk, you didn’t stop the future from coming.
You just delayed our coronation.
We have the same deviant haircuts we had yesterday;
we are still getting gay-married like nobody’s business
because it’s still nobody’s business;
there’s a Muslim kid in Kansas who has already written the schematic
for the robot that will steal your job in manufacturing,
and that robot? Will also be gay, so get used to it:

we didn’t manifest the mountain by speaking its name,
the buildings here are not on your side just because
you make them spray-painted accomplices.
These walls do not have genders and they all think you suck.
Even the earth found common cause with us
the way you trample us both,

oh yeah: there will be signs, and rainbow-colored drum circles,
and folks arguing ideology until even I want to punch them
but I won’t, because they’re my family,
in that blood-of-the-covenant sense.
If you’ve never loved someone like that
you cannot outwaltz us, we have all the good dancers anyway.

I’ll confess I don’t know if I’m alive right now;
I haven’t heard my heart beat in days,
I keep holding my breath for the moment the plane goes down
and I have to save enough oxygen to get my friends through.

But I finally found the argument against suicide and it’s us.
We’re the effigies that haunt America’s nights harder
the longer they spend burning us,
we are scaring the shit out of people by spreading,
by refusing to die: what are we but a fire?
We know everything we do is so the kids after us
will be able to follow something towards safety;
what can I call us but lighthouse,

of course I’m terrified. Of course I’m a shroud.
And of course it’s not fair but rest assured,
anxious America, you brought your fists to a glitter fight.
This is a taco truck rally and all you have is cole slaw.
You cannot deport our minds; we won’t
hold funerals for our potential. We have always been
what makes America great.
posted by Sublimity at 4:37 PM on September 30 [27 favorites]


So my Republican (but mellowing these days, thank god, and she did vote for Hillary and is against Trump) mom and Republican boyfriend (unknown but afraid to ask just in case, I like him so I hope he didn't) were talking about Kavanaugh. And he was wondering if Blasey Ford was mistaken. And my mom just came out of the closet to him (and right now to me, so tonight this is the first time anyone's heard this!) about her own MeToo boob-grabbing moment at age 15. She was all, "You would remember that." And her boyfriend got it! He noticed that she's still mad about this over fifty years later!

So in a Fucking Fuck moment, there is also some good.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:27 PM on September 30 [7 favorites]


This is a stupid vent, but here you go. I dreamt that Trump had been caught on TV pointing at a lump of clay, saying, that looks like my penis. It was the scandal of the day.

Then I was working in a kitchen of a restaurant with a bunch of people, and for some reason I had this sock with me and there was a bulge in the bottom of the sock, like a small orange in a Christmas stocking.

I pulled it out, and there was this lump of clay. I dropped it on the floor, shrieking, and then all of my coworkers came around to point and laugh at the lump of clay.

Then when heard the back door open and we all shut up immediately, because we knew it was the manager, who also happened to be Donald J. Trump.

It was a weird confluence of present day shit and my experience working shit jobs in restaurants.
posted by angrycat at 7:07 AM on October 1 [4 favorites]


I broke a thing at work. True, it's a massive Rube Goldberg machine of a process that needs to be replaced yesterday, but it still worked...until a day or two back, when two lines of code I wrote five months ago brought the entire thing to its metaphorical knees.

I'm almost certainly not going to lose my job (not least because it would be far too much work/money/time to replace me) and we've come up with what looks like a fix already, but I still don't feel good about the whole thing.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:44 AM on October 1 [1 favorite]


FUCKING FUCK I FUCKED THE FUCK UP WHEN I ENROLLED IN MY HEALTH CARE PLAN AT MY NEW JOB AND ENROLLED IN THE MOST EXPENSIVE ONE RATHER THAN THE LEAST EXPENSIVE AND I ONLY REALIZED IT YESTERDAY WHEN FRIDAY WAS THE LAST DAY I COULD HAVE CHANGED IT IMMEDIATELY (60 days within the qualifying event of my hire) SO NOW I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE FIRST OF THE YEAR AND PAY AN EXTRA $200 A MONTH FOR HEALTH CARE I WON'T USE* (because I'm likely not going to have any surgeries before the end of the year).

AND THANK FUCKING GOD I REALIZED IT BEFORE OPEN ENROLLMENT CLOSES ON FRIDAY.

* Also the trans health care on my accidental pricey insurance plan is SO good that I wish I could share it with everyone who needs it.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:47 AM on October 1 [4 favorites]


I feel proud of myself that I was able to convince my parents to change the channel off the news last night while we were over for dinner. Rather sit through a bunch of crappy football highlights than deal with being in the same room as my parents when the Kavacrap nomination stuff came up.
posted by nubs at 9:05 AM on October 1


Nubs, I've been working for a year to get my mom to watch fiction on TV again. Godspeed.
posted by rhizome at 9:56 AM on October 1


Thanks for that poem, Sublimity.

Today is really hard and really dark. I feel like I'm hanging on to any kind of hope with the last sliver of a fingernail.
posted by emjaybee at 11:10 AM on October 1 [2 favorites]


Everything sucks.
posted by gingerbeer at 1:02 PM on October 1 [3 favorites]


I've been on hold with the IRS for 45min and I still have to review two massive chapters of Calculus for a test tonight after I try to convince them to give me my money back. I am not stoked. Verily unstoked. Stokeless.

gingerbeer: here u go
posted by rhizome at 1:26 PM on October 1 [1 favorite]


two hundred dollars a month and generic Adderall isn't on the fucking formulary

I'm so incandescent with rage I can't even caps lock
posted by elsietheeel at 4:02 PM on October 1 [8 favorites]


Has anyone else been getting the "woe is me, for I am a man and all men are terrible, including me, I am so sad about this, alas, feel bad for me" from the men in their lives, because, like, I am happy you're processing your feelings and being reflective and good on you for being emotionally open, but also you are doing it to somebody whose body is being legislated by the patriarchy you're a part of and if you could maybe fucking dump OUT of the support circle and not IN that would be great thx

like I am caught between feeling bad that I'm angry because he's still human and humans are fallible creatures who need support even when the direction of the support is not Technically Right, and also being incandescent because I do not want to deal with ManTears when I am contemplating a rapist being chosen for the the highest court in the USA and getting to exert legal control over women's bodies after a lifetime of gleefully exerting physical control of them
posted by schroedinger at 4:15 PM on October 1 [16 favorites]


A tiny bright spot: the broken thing is still super turbo broken, but in the midst of working with our remote hosting support to try and fix it, my boss's reaction to my screw-up has been "Eh...shit happens". Verbatim, even.

Thank god I'm in this job and not one of those well-paying but high-pressure fintech ones in Canary Wharf. I'd have had a heart attack while packing up my desk by now.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:04 AM on October 2 [1 favorite]


Confidential to my boss and our hosting company: WHARRGARBL JUST RESTART THE FUCKING APP SERVERS IT'LL FIX LIKE 95% OF THE PROBLEM AAAAARRRRRGH
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:41 AM on October 2 [1 favorite]


Hi. Fuck. I'm here because of an illuminating comment and link from ZeusHumms in the megathread that starts "Why conservatives don’t care that Brett Kavanaugh is a liar".

Truth and honesty have no value. I just don't think we are a good people.
posted by klarck at 7:51 AM on October 2 [2 favorites]


After several months of feeling pretty resilient in the face of it all, including a job change and some family stuff, I am now not doing well any more. One hour at a time.
posted by Miko at 7:58 AM on October 2 [9 favorites]


Has anyone else been getting the "woe is me, for I am a man and all men are terrible, including me, I am so sad about this, alas, feel bad for me" from the men in their lives

This is a big part of why I no longer have men in my life, tbh. It started to seem like a form of self harm.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:10 AM on October 2 [5 favorites]


In the midst of all this...just crap, I have an appointment today to find out if an ultrasound I had reveals that I have ovarian cancer, or some other benign thing, or nothing. Honestly, with the level of anxiety I've felt since the test, I am thinking the "we don't know yet, let's run some more tests" option would be *almost* as awful as finding out something was wrong. Almost. So there's that, and there's this world, and I just don't want to even get out of bed lately.
posted by TheFantasticNumberFour at 9:03 AM on October 2 [10 favorites]


TheFantasticNumberFour—hoping you will get good news. Waiting on medical results is so, so stressful. Sending a hug your way if you want one.
posted by bookmammal at 9:41 AM on October 2 [4 favorites]


Fucking shit.

My anxiety levels are spiking so high right now. I'm thinking of how I felt just before the 2016 election, and how freaked out I was, but how I was pretty sure everything would turn out (mostly) fine after the election had passed.

And my flight-or-fight response is kicking me in the fucking gut right now, and basically, if you're familiar with Wild Bill Hickok's say it in thunder bit from Deadwood, it's doing that now. Like, "Remember 2016? YEAH, didn't take me seriously then, did you?"
posted by duffell at 12:00 PM on October 2 [3 favorites]


I've been looking for employment for MONTHS and not even a rinky-dink craft shop wants to hire me for a temp job jesus christ
posted by lineofsight at 12:09 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]


I hear that. Nothing but polls coming.

I hate polls. Fuckin 2016, polls.

(Apologies to poll-related persons, it's not you, it's them.)
posted by petebest at 12:10 PM on October 2


This cheered me up a little today: Minnesota now offers 'X' for gender option on driver's licenses
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:33 PM on October 2


I’m getting really tired of dating and also just...increasingly jaded.

So far this year three women have pulled the “oh I’m not really available because I don’t want to be in an actual relationship with a woman” thing on me. (At least two of them had the courtesy to do it promptly, anyway, which is pretty great, relatively speaking.) And then the next person I’m really excited about turns out to not be available because she’s not done dealing with the trauma of her previous abusive relationship (with a man), and I was, apparently, how she figured that out.

And I know I am literally in the best time and place in fucking recorded history for a lesbian, and yet. And yet.

And of course, the older I get, the more I know about myself and the way I mesh with others, the better I get at setting my own boundaries and realizing when other people won’t set theirs, the quicker I can call these things. So I don’t end up enmired in the quicksand of a “too good to leave, too bad to stay” situation the way I might have done years ago, but I also miss out on the good parts along the way.

So I have these really strong one on one relationships with a number of friends. I’ve been to a number of therapists, and the two recent ones (one of three years, another who I tried a short term modality with) are both like “there is literally nothing wrong with you, you’re great” so I got that going for me. But none of it is the same as having an actual partner for life as you live it. I’m not central to anyone’s life; I’m no one’s priority, even though there are people who love me. (And I am grateful for that, believe me.) And the more I move towards the kind of life I want, the more I make those decisions on my own, the less sure I am that there will be room for someone else in it. Or that that room will be flexible enough, in some ways?

I know there’s freedom in that, but there’s also loneliness. And I suppose I would rather have a choice.

I’m just really tired of being single and dating. It’s lonely, and exhausting, and there are basic human needs beyond just sex that I’m not getting. It’s like having a vitamin deficiency that you can’t do anything about. And I don’t even want to have to deal with the grief that comes in a few years when the whole “kids?” thing becomes more pressing. Like Jesus Christ, I do not want to add anything else to this shit salad, but whatever, throw on those bacon bits I guess.

Idk maybe I’ll have to flee the US in the next few years, and then I’ll have all of...probably Europe? as my dating pool. Americans will be real popular, right?
posted by schadenfrau at 12:35 PM on October 2 [14 favorites]


Excuse me:

I want a cake, but I want a cake that is like one of those horrible baby shower cakes that are in a shape of a baby only I want Mitch McConnell's face on it and it should be filled with red jelly so that I can stab it and it will do a realistic blood spray like one of Dexter's blood spray recreations.

Thank you.

ETA sorry I meant in the shape of Grassley because that is the current target of my ire in that he is [WHITE SHRIEK OF RAGE] but hey I'd stab a McConnell cake too
posted by angrycat at 2:18 PM on October 2 [6 favorites]


Stab stab stabbity stabby stab stab
posted by Burhanistan at 2:41 PM on October 2 [4 favorites]


I prefer not to think of either of those two as delicious cake or cake filling.

To me, they're more like burning bags of shit left on America's front porch. I'm all for stomping them out to keep the fire from spreading, but then you still have to clean them off your shoe.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:51 PM on October 2


I would support “banishment via trebuchet” legislation
posted by schadenfrau at 2:55 PM on October 2 [3 favorites]


Send them off to live on a deserted island in the Sea of ManTears.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:02 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]


So entirely out of the blue my dad started talking about the women who confronted Flake in the elevators and said that he didn’t believe that one of them could remember being raped at age 5 because he can’t remember anything from age 5. He said that with my mother (woman), my child (5 years old), and me (woman) in the room. When I called him out on his offensive bullshit he accused me of willfully misunderstanding him. And then he pouted in silence until we left, barely saying goodbye to his grandson. I wrote him an email while shaking with rage that night, but I sent it to my brother, instead. I am still furious. I desperately want to make him see how hurtful that was, how wrong he is, but I know that he will shut me out entirely because that is what his father did to anyone who challenged him. And so I’m letting it sit, festering, because my mom has breast cancer and starts treatment in a couple weeks, and I don’t want to ignite a self-righteous patriarchy bomb that my mom will have to deal with when she needs all the support she can get.

So fuck you, Dad. Fuck you and your sneaky, quiet gaslighting. Fuck you and your inability to connect the humanity and experience of the persecuted with the people in your fucking living room. Fuck you and your fragile male ego. Fuck you and your self-centered, willful ignorance. And fuck cancer.
posted by Maarika at 5:22 PM on October 2 [23 favorites]


So here I am, laying in bed indulging in some soothing HistoricalCostumingTube, trying to forget what I just read about a malignant narcissist mocking a crime victim in front of a laughing crowd.

Next video has an ad. The ad is a 5 minute, slick, professionally-produced video from PragerU about how feminism in a scourge and feminists are just the worst.

At long last, I'm not real sure how any of us just get up tomorrow, go to work, go to school, and pretend we don't know how much men hate us.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:24 PM on October 2 [10 favorites]


I am just so frustrated. I recently picked up the megathreads again after months of i-can't-even, and I find I'm right back at i-can't-even again in record time. I want to be tough and courageous and work hard to end this crazy national nightmare, but even reading about what's happening in this country right now is giving me constant, on-going rage-nausea.

There is a lot we don't know about Trump and his administration, such as it is, but the stuff we DO know is horrifying, and like - we KNOW it, and there's nothing that we can do about it. Nothing means anything anymore. Laws don't mean anything. Truth doesn't mean anything. Terrible-er and terrible-er things are happening every day and half the country laughs and the other half rages and nothing changes. Something like that NYT article on Trump's inheritance and tax situation comes out, and everybody gets excited because Look, facts! Look, lawbreaking! But it's not going to change anything, it's not going to END this craziness the way something, somehow needs to end it.

And the fact that everything just glances off them, that they just deny and move on and there are never any consequences, is just unbearable. That's all.
posted by invincible summer at 7:35 PM on October 2 [8 favorites]


Just had a mildly shitty day, the class I was looking forward to got canceled, I had stupid drama at work, but mostly I am mad that my cell phone isn't working again, without the GPS I couldn't find the awesome repair store I went to last time and ended up accidentally finding one that a perfect fucking bitch was at. There's bad service, and then there's being a fucking asshole and she was the latter, deliberately. BURN IN HELL. You couldn't just politely say no and that's it? Really? Then I was out of time and couldn't find the other one because I had to get to class...you know, the one that got canceled.

Also I got dragged into someone's shitty lying drama, but at least I can rest easy tonight knowing that his mother is ripping him a new asshole for being a liar tonight. So someone's having a worse night!

"It’s like having a vitamin deficiency that you can’t do anything about" --I hear ya, schaudenfrau. Some people get lucky and some just won't in life.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:12 PM on October 2


I really really wanted to rear end the truck in front of me in small town rich person canada who had a white pride and never apologize for being white stickers but I can't afford a new car. This shit spreads. Fuck.

And my childhood friend has gone full Trump which is amazing for a Canadian but she joined Christian singles and met an American Christian who leads her on and his friends and now she's this radical scary religious person who distanced from me as soon as I actually dated a woman (lesbians be rare around here). And i'm sick of it and keep thinking of the male friend who i had told about my abuse who suddenly turned and said i'm useless and know nothing and never have suffered because i pointed out that him experiencing racism while teaching in south Korea wasn't the same as what First Nations experience so maybe we could listen to them. And I did it in a super polite canadian way. I can pin point that moment as the day I lost trust in people. And it happened last year but every single idiot in the news keeps reminding me that people aren't safe.

And the fucking president of the United states just mocked a survivor and nothing will be done with it and I think i'm going to just never leave my house cause this world sucks.

My winter SADS isn't helping.

I think maybe i'm a full fledged man hating lesbian now. Sorry men who are nice. I feel.. just gutted.
posted by kanata at 8:42 PM on October 2 [8 favorites]


"Sorry men who are nice."

No, that's fine. You shouldn't apologize or worry about it.

A man wrote upthread that he now realizes that he must know men who are rapists. I wanted to respond that I've wondered this about every man I've known for the last thirty years. No exemptions: every friend, every relative, everyone. (Maybe aside from one close gay friend, who is literally the only possible exception I can think of.) I wouldn't ever assert that none of these men aren't rapists. I'm certain that some of them are. Some seem more or less likely, but there's no way to know. I don't live with the reality of Schrödinger's rapist the way women do, as a constant fear to my own safety, but it's real in a different way for me. Furthermore, I don't expect anyone to feel sure that I'm not a rapist.

I've been in a couple conversations with women lately, and I've pointed out that I've been an explicit consent person, about all sexual activity, all my life. But I'm not saying this as self-congratulations -- rather, quite the opposite. I'm within months of Kavanaugh's age, and in that time and place, I always felt there was something wrong with me because I was too fearful to act like boys were "supposed" to act. I avoided violating girls' boundaries not because I truly understood that it would be wrong, but only because I was terrified of the mutual embarrasment of a faux pas. Even though I was sexually active in high school, I still felt that I was "missing out" because I didn't act like other boys. So, no virtue there. If I was one of the good ones, it wasn't completely for the right reasons.

Later, as I became introduced to feminism, then married someone who was an incest survivor, then volunteered in rape crisis, that began a genuine awareness of what is really happening. Literally most of the women I knew, family, friends, acquaintances disclosed to me (many knew I was doing the rape crisis work) and from that time on I am never surprised when someone discloses. And, as I wrote, I wonder this about every single man around me. Furthermore, I reexamine the interactions I've had with women that, while not sexual assault, were problematic in various ways. I know I'm not innocent.

Per shadenfrau's comment above, I'm writing this absolutely in no way to center my experiences and feelings. I went through the whole "I feel terrible about this" many years ago, came to recognize women shouldn't give a fuck about how I'm feeling about it, and in any case have placed my own feelings into proper perspective.

No, I'm responding with all this to say, emphatically, I certainly don't expect any women to apologize for generalizing about all men and expressing intense, indiscriminate anger. I feel bad when women feel the need to qualify and apologize, and I am especially angry when men are defensive about being included. Even if we're "one of the good ones" (blech), we have no right to complain and I hope what I'm writing here will get through to any well-intentioned men who are feeling defensive. No woman should ever apologize to any of us for these feelings. Not ever.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:20 PM on October 2 [12 favorites]


In the abstract and grand scheme, in all honesty I still really blame men in general for this - [perhaps I should say "toxic male culture," but there is personal culpability here - because men in general haven't done much at all to bring it to an end despite having endless opportunities.

necessary disclaimer: Individual, decent men excepted, etc. etc.
posted by Miko at 6:59 AM on October 3 [2 favorites]


Yeah you know what? I don’t really think we need to apologize to men who maybe — maybe — aren’t terrible monsters to women for possibly hurting their feelings by pointing out that the vast majority of men are terrible monsters to women, in ways big and small, ways they probably aren’t even aware of. They can fucking suck it up.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:22 AM on October 3 [10 favorites]


There should be a point where people become responsible for their own individual behavior, regardless of what the internal or external sources are. Sometimes I think adulthood should be when people are held responsible for their behavior. I think about this in the context of behavioral disorders. Perhaps "toxic male culture" could be discussed as a cultural disorder, one that people are held responsible for as group members and as individuals.
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:24 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]


Men who aren't terrible monsters already know that their feelers are kind of immaterial in this discussion.

Last night my dude was watching the most recent season of American Horror Story, which features (bizarrely, at least to me who only fazes in and out of the shit he watches) Valerie Solanas. Quoth my dude to me, "Have you ever read the SCUM Manifesto? Because, well, she ain't wrong."
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:30 AM on October 3 [8 favorites]


Another of my old friends just e-mailed me to say that in spite of everything, he doesn't really think Trump poses a serious threat to American democracy (though he admits he tends to err on the side of optimism). He considers Trump only an embarrassment, his administration too incompetent to do any really severe damage so far. Furthermore, while he says he's aware of Russian interference, he thinks the American electoral process still works. I suppose we'll see in a month…

What drives me absolutely mad is that I've been regularly e-mailing my friends about the same news I post on the mega-thread since this time two years ago. Although they're all good sorts and reliably liberal Democrats (I fell out of touch with all my conservative friends over the course of Dubya's administration), they are reluctant to look directly at the gorgon of the Trump administration and US politics. Between their consistent lack of response and the regular flow of bad news on the megathreads, however, I feel as though I've been conducting the shittiest personal A/B test.
posted by Doktor Zed at 8:23 AM on October 3 [5 favorites]


I don’t really think we need to apologize to men...they can fucking suck it up.

I agree but it's really a pre-emptive measure, and the need to use it is exactly part of the problem.
posted by Miko at 8:23 AM on October 3 [4 favorites]


I am so worried that we’re just becoming numb to all of the nonstop horrible revelations and behavior (Mocking abuse survivors? Really?) and I’m fucking terrified that this is the new normal. This is not the country that I know. I am embarrassed and ashamed. To all readers who are not from the United States, PLEASE know that this is not who all of us are.
posted by bookmammal at 8:50 AM on October 3 [6 favorites]


Fuck - we* are all going to get the "Presidential Alert" text message today...and you just know Trump is going to hang that over us at some point about how he can send us all a "tweet" via it or something like that. It's the opposite feeling from what should be a useful tool in an emergency. Its like he's going to be reaching into our phones - ugh.

* for a definition of we that includes the majority of US mobile phone customers
posted by inflatablekiwi at 8:51 AM on October 3 [2 favorites]


Omg, that presidential alert thing sounds dreadful. I'm so sorry. It's just so...ripe for abuse by a terrible leader (I mean, this is not the same as an emergency broadcast system which I can see having a useful function). Margaret Atwood must be taking notes.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:44 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]


I mean, I read that it is meant to be used as an emergency alert but what I'm trying to say is, I can see a terrible leader being able to abuse it more easily than a more impersonal emergency broadcast system alert. Maybe it's just the name that is giving me the willies considering who is your president right now.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:48 AM on October 3


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK LINDSAY GRAHAM FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK LINDSAY GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
posted by joyceanmachine at 10:00 AM on October 3 [13 favorites]


Hahahah I left my phone at home (not on purpose) today SUCK IT TRUMP
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:04 AM on October 3 [4 favorites]


Omg, that presidential alert thing sounds dreadful. I'm so sorry

I've kinda been assuming it was the equivalent of Canada's Alert Ready system? Which has its flaws, to be sure, but at least isn't under any political control...is this under the Orange Menace's control? Which, yeah, fuck.

So as to not turn this into a derail - Fucking fuck, what a fucking week.
posted by nubs at 10:20 AM on October 3


Fucking fuck, what a fucking week.

"Lemon, it's Wednesday."
posted by Doktor Zed at 10:27 AM on October 3 [9 favorites]


This got deleted from the mega thread, but my favorite description of Lindsey Graham is “seems like he would be one of Hannibal Lecter’s favorite victims.”

It perks me up whenever I think of it

It is now my gift to you
posted by schadenfrau at 10:34 AM on October 3 [13 favorites]


We're not allowed to bring phones into the institution I work in so it'll be interesting to see if anyone (staff OR inmate) ends up getting caught with a contraband phone when the Presidential Alert goes out.
posted by elsietheeel at 11:10 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]


And there it goes. I just got the presidential alert.
posted by hydra77 at 11:19 AM on October 3


I just got the fucking test alert and was mad I couldn’t block or snark back.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:19 AM on October 3 [2 favorites]


I hope the presidential test alert doesn't have some malicious payload included that mucks with my phone.
posted by jointhedance at 11:28 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]


I put my phone on silent, but now it's like a horror film. When will the alert come? Will the call come from inside the house? I'm assuming the alert hasn't been pushed to everyone yet, or is my silent phone special? :sideeye:
GAH
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 11:49 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]


It was very fun to get that alert in an open office with forty other people's alerts going off all at once.
posted by octothorpe at 12:37 PM on October 3 [4 favorites]


Am I the only one who can't see Mitch McConnell's face and not wonder how nobody has got some serious DIRT on him yet? Like, in a party so full of utter scumbags, there's just no way his computer isn't filthy with, like, the nastiest most depraved smut or something, right?
posted by dnash at 12:49 PM on October 3 [3 favorites]


seriously though going forward it’s going to be really fucking unnerving when everyone’s phones go off at once and for a second we’re not sure if it’s because there’s a nuclear war or if it’s because the president wants everyone to stop being so mean to kanye.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 1:03 PM on October 3 [12 favorites]


Taking a break from the news to binge season 2 of The Man in the High Castle. Nothing like a little light dose of dystopia. I mean, Nazis taking over the US? Like that would ever happen!
posted by kirkaracha at 3:41 PM on October 3 [2 favorites]


I AM SO TIRED OF MANAGING MEN'S FEELINGS.

A man in one of my local feminist activist circles is throwing a total temper tantrum because we had a brief but sharp point of disagreement about something in a group text and I asked him to stand aside when women are this angry. He sent me a long whiny text message that was a "I'm sorry BUT here's why you're wrong." I ignored it, and he is now not showing up at meetings and making our mutual female friends try to feel out whether everyone hates him.

Asshole, you could have just asked me to talk in person, but instead you are directing your whininess outwards. I cannot believe how much men can dish it out from behind a keyboard, but expecting them to look you in the eye and like, engage person to person somehow sends them running into a corner with their tail between their legs.

It's fucking irritating. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
posted by mostly vowels at 5:41 PM on October 3 [14 favorites]


Can't speak on behalf of other men, but I
would like to speak to other men for a moment, if I may:

If you're a man and you consider yourself a feminist or maybe just an ally*, please check your shit very, very carefully for awhile**. It's great to be in touch with your emotions, to want to share, to feel that you're adding value. But part of the job description when you're an ally is knowing when to shut the fuck up. Part of the work is simply not making more work for the people you're supposed to be supporting. Part of emotional maturity is learning how to unburden yourself in times and places and ways that don't just transfer your burden to others who are already chronically overburdened.

These are all things I have failed at, myself, all too often. So I'm not trying to present myself as a positive example. I'm not a good man. But I do believe that I should be a good man. And these are some things I've been working on towards that end, lately.

tl;dr: A true ally isn't looking for cookies or special dispensation. If you're really not guilty of bad behavior or questionable motives, don't insist on constant reassurances. Don't insist on being heard at the expense of underrepresented voices. Don't make it about you. That's not helping.

*If you're a man and you don't consider yourself a feminist or an ally, what the fuck is wrong with you? Wait: Don't answer that. This isn't about you. It isn't about me, either, but it really, really isn't about you. Or at least not in a way you would like.

**How long is "awhile"? I don't know, but I'm working on the assumption that the world wouldn't end if the checking of my shit became a permanent habit.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:25 PM on October 3 [20 favorites]


Hey y'all remember when The Walking Dead was decent and that good guy was talking about listening to the news as something like the high price of living, and then the good guy was becoming zombified and he hallucinated the BBC talking about the horrors of x y and z and finally the good guy succumbs to death and asks them to turn off the BBC hallucination?

Is there a way to do that without becoming a zombie/dead? Because I swear. I was initially like go FBI investigation go we got a week but with Trump making drunk rape a culture war issue and hearing how the FBI was basically told DON'T TALK TO THE PEOPLE WITH INFORMATION I'm just like turn it off. I want to get off.

I mean do you want to turn me into a wheelchair assassin? Because that's how you get wheelchair assassins.
posted by angrycat at 8:30 AM on October 4 [4 favorites]


I work in the [prominent hub of wealthy companies] building in Chicago and we were just sent the most unintentionally hilarious letter advising us that protests are currently underway about Kavanaugh and the Van Dyke trial, but that we should be assured that the building's management has "been working behind the scenes on these issues for well over a month now, and [they] have a comprehensive plan to protect the property and all of you if warranted. Let's hope it's not needed."

Just in case a person could work here and not guess how rich and out of touch the people who own this behemoth are, we've now been reassured that we're protected in case the modest crowd peacefully protesting many blocks from here decides to riot or try and burn this 20-something story building to the ground or some shit.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:12 AM on October 4 [6 favorites]


"You're so vain … you probably think this protest's about you … " [/sings]
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:13 AM on October 4 [3 favorites]


I don't how to break it to those fuckers, but if the revolution did somehow come today, they've uh, got people on the inside.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:13 AM on October 4 [7 favorites]


The revolution is coming from inside the building!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:20 AM on October 4 [4 favorites]


Fuck-a-doodle-doo
posted by kirkaracha at 9:27 AM on October 4 [2 favorites]


This is super minor in the grand scheme of FUCKING FUCKS, but my older sister just shared with all of us siblings a 'lifestyle' article called "9 hits from the 70s that sound totally inappropriate today" and I thought "Great, that sounds like a fun read" and it's full of diatribes about political correctness:
These days, some would consider the real-life characters in this song heroes, so instead of Reed’s straightforward, rather deadpan delivery, a 2018 version of “Walk on the Wild Side” would be a lecture about how these people are just like everybody else.

In our hypersensitive age, nobody would laugh at “Short People,” because some sort of advocacy group would drum Newman off the airwaves before the rest of us could have a chance to hear it.
(This is the same sister who I had to back out of a conversation with after she fucking defended Jordan Peterson and his "forced marriages help end male violence" bullshit)

I'm fucking done. Chunks of my family have always been super right-wing conservatives, and I remember growing up with and believing that stuff, but I've actually fucking grown up, looked at the world around me, and realized just how terrible that mindset really is. I've tried to quietly separate myself from that particular sect of my family without making noise because, well, I just don't want to make noise, but I'm tired of microaggressions like this.
posted by hanov3r at 10:26 AM on October 4 [1 favorite]


I think this person is missing the point of both Short People and Walk on the Wild Side?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 10:29 AM on October 4 [8 favorites]


There was plenty of outrage at the time over "Short People" by people who didn't get Newman (not to mention Rednecks).
posted by octothorpe at 11:00 AM on October 4 [3 favorites]


I've got the infuriated, discouraged, despairing thing going on, so thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
posted by DrAstroZoom at 11:05 AM on October 4 [3 favorites]


I feel defeated and want to break all the things, but instead I somehow managed to volunteer to do voter registration at the local junior college this Saturday morning. Here's hoping I don't stab someone before then. Thank you all for being here. Not sure what I would do without this community.
posted by tingting at 11:06 AM on October 4 [8 favorites]


I wonder what happens to a person when they choose to smile but never show their teeth.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:34 AM on October 4 [1 favorite]


I am not a pray-er, and I'm not really a hugger either, but I am sending hugs and good vibes to everyone who needs them. Which is probably all of us right now.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 11:37 AM on October 4 [4 favorites]


I'm not a thoughts and prayers person, either. But I do send my best. At another board I hang out with, we came up with the term "Positive Mind Atoms." So that's what we send: positive mind atoms, or PMA's.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:00 PM on October 4 [3 favorites]


I mean, we all knew this FBI report was going to be bullshit, right? Still, I've rage-eaten a whole thing of gummi bears today. FUUUUUUUCK!
posted by Kitty Stardust at 12:17 PM on October 4 [4 favorites]


I mean, I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to be: I think this is pretty much game over. The GOP will now have installed a more or less permanent conservative government (barring actual armed revolution); abortion will soon be criminalized in all 50 states, and that will only be the beginning of it. Right now, I'm reduced to being glad that I'm as old as I am, and that I've already lived the majority of my life in the relative comfort of a society that, while far from perfect, was at least striving toward justice. That's over.
posted by holborne at 1:57 PM on October 4 [5 favorites]


Fuck the Fantasy Civics derails in the megathread. You don't have to post every thought that comes to your mind about how you would run government.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:20 PM on October 4 [12 favorites]


Great, now I need gummi bears.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:02 PM on October 4 [1 favorite]


And scotch.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:02 PM on October 4 [1 favorite]


I’m pretty done with this week.
posted by bq at 4:22 PM on October 4 [3 favorites]


For your drinking needs: Game of Thrones themed scotch.

Fucking fuck why am I sober when I could be drinking House Stark scotch!?!

(Because you don't really like scotch, you're a rye kind of girl. Oh and also YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC.)

posted by elsietheeel at 6:33 PM on October 4 [3 favorites]


Watching this racist lady get yelled at was downright soothing in the context of everything else.
posted by joyceanmachine at 8:48 PM on October 4 [2 favorites]


psst joe manchin murdered rosa luxemburg pass it on.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:32 AM on October 5


wow. They’re gonna vote this turd through.

I have a cynical streak but damn if they didn’t beat my own expectations.

Since Nov 2016 I’ve been wishing I was a billionaire and could just pour money, black money, into a PAC that would be focused on undoing these motherfuckers.
Not just legislatively but also culturally, which is a far more difficult - or at least complicated task, I know but is maybe the more pressing one.
Watching the US (from Europe) is making me feel like running into an old friend who has started using heroin, or hasn’t quit - it’s kind of heartbreaking, not least because you know you can do damn little and most of the effort has to come from within and the R side of the aisle thinks they’re winning so why change? (Because, like I said a couple times, back then, because it’s fucking killing you. You might feel great but you can’t go on like this, it doesn’t work.)
It’s heart-breaking at the least.

(There was a piece on the radio this morning about Gingrich in the 90s breaking the D’s lock on congress and how they started ignoring the ‘norms’ of the congress.)
posted by From Bklyn at 9:06 AM on October 5 [4 favorites]


“The way universities operate now are more like Southern lynch mobs of the early twentieth century,” he said. “Basically that’s what I’m experiencing here.”

Sexual Assault Is Male Rite of Passage, Professor Says in Test of Free Speech

I'll be over here, burning the world.
posted by rtha at 11:11 AM on October 5 [6 favorites]


Holy shit rtha. Fuck that guy in particular.
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:51 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]


Officer Jason Van Dyke, who was recorded on video shooting LaQuan McDonald sixteen times within seconds of arriving at a scene where McDonald was a suspect for petty larceny was convicted of second degree murder and a long list of associated crimes just now.

On the one hand, the smallest possible cookie for Chicago for being the rare city where police officers caught committing murder on video can get convicted. On the other, I work in the financial district and the entire place just shut down awaiting the verdict in case there was a riot.

I'm going to propose that if we all know a cop murdered someone and we all saw it on video, but still expect him to get off, and if we can think to ourselves that the city might burn as a consequence, the system is pretty fucked up even if the verdict broke the right way.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:17 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]


You know something pretty crushing? Trying to date and find love in this climate. Men are so furious at women right now, especially ever since the Kavanaugh hearings have started. Just any whiff of feminist consciousness or even politics in general and they are so defensive, so angry, preemptively trying to get you to shut your uppity little mouth. It is very difficult trying to bounce back from that again and again. It is very difficult to deal with the crushing weight of embittered-yet-smug misogyny that's pouring in from all directions right now. Shored up by all our institutions and used as a tool to shore them up in turn. I feel suffocated under the weight of it, or like I'm being walled up alive. And it's just so hurtful. On just a very basic level, my heart is broken by it.

That there are men out there who aren't misogynist kind of makes it even worse because it makes you imagine what could be. The world we could have, the kind of life I could have.

I can't not put myself out there and just avoid all men because...well, a woman doesn't live on bread alone.

Guess that's another interpretation of the "fucking fuck" theme haha. But it's also really getting to me. I don't know if it's possible for me to have a healthy relationship -- platonic, romantic, professional, any kind of relationship -- with a man right now.
posted by rue72 at 12:25 PM on October 5 [15 favorites]


I'm Not Mad I'm Just Disappointed

(except I'm really fucking mad jesus fucking christ)
posted by zrail at 12:59 PM on October 5 [5 favorites]


Like most people, I've been saying for weeks that there's no way they're not confirming this shitstain to the Supreme Court.

But saying & believing that are one thing. Knowing it for a certainty feels impossibly worse.
posted by duffell at 1:03 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]


Fuck, man. I'm not mad just so worn out and sad. The line in the sand wasn't even "don't overturn Roe" or "'don't be a naked partisan." I was prepared to lose on those fronts. It was "don't commit perjury and further victimize a woman who you tried to rape". I think I could've even lived with the guy that said he was stupid at 15 and made a terrible mistake he deeply regretted.

I understand many of you couldn't. And I mean, I couldn't either, really, but I know I'm not getting Merrick Garland. Before my son was born and I knew he was healthy I bargained with my future self and promised I wouldn't complain or feel bad if he was missing a foot. And I did a bit of that here, knowing that they'd ram through a far-right partisan, of course, but at least one like John Roberts who tries to claim he's being impartial. Just someone who seemed like a human being and not a lunatic blaming his mistakes on a Clinton conspiracy.

I just can't understand why this had to be the hill they died on. Like, yeah, republicans, you have all the power. You've made that very clear. Just, why do you have to beat me in the face with it?
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 1:10 PM on October 5 [7 favorites]


I find out on Tuesday if there’s something dangerously wrong with my heart or not. Watching Collins’ speech was probably not good for me, because I know my blood pressure is high right now. I can feel it. I was going to rage clean, but now I have to lie down. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Fuck Collins, fuck Manchin, and triple fuck Kavanaugh.
posted by Ruki at 1:27 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]


I just can't understand why this had to be the hill they died on.

My working assumption that they couldn't find a single other judge who would be willing to meet all of the requirements imposed by both Trump and the Senate Republicans who didn't have worse skeletons than this. They don't seem to have a backup plan, or they would have flipped over to that already. Which says something about how insane the judicial positions they're demanding are--there are plenty of privileged white men who meet all the career criteria for this position and would five years ago have been considered easily conservative enough.
posted by Sequence at 1:35 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


You know something pretty crushing? Trying to date and find love in this climate.

Hate to break it to you but if you're a woman who likes men, HAVING the partner is not necessarily any easier. Most days I wonder if it might just be best if I split up my relationship, because I am so white-hot furious at men and it bleeds over onto this man who has done nothing (well, virtually nothing) wrong and it is not fair to him that I have little else to offer but snark and shaking and glaring and drinking and giving our down payment savings to hopeless democratic hopefuls.

I wonder what happens to a person when they choose to smile but never show their teeth.

Look some of us have shitty teeth all right, it's enough of a pain without people speculating on the state of our goddamn souls.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:47 PM on October 5 [9 favorites]


Like, yeah, republicans, you have all the power. You've made that very clear. Just, why do you have to beat me in the face with it?

Because beating you in the face with it is the primary reason they want power.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:47 PM on October 5 [4 favorites]


(But hey, I guess I don't need to worry, I haven't had a reason to smile in literally months)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:49 PM on October 5


Ummm I was happily writing Postcards to Voters for Phil Bredesen (and excited about it because I like writing to places I'd like to visit, and I'd love to visit Nashville someday) and checking Facebook and then I see a post from Postcards to Voters saying they've withdrawn support for Phil and his addresses are no longer available. Why? Motherfucker said he supports Kavanaugh. They're currently swamped with a bunch of angry emails about it that are affecting their ability to keep up with other email (like distributing addresses for other campaigns).

I know this is kind of a dumb thing to be upset about next to, you know, Kavanaugh actually most likely being confirmed. But come on, Bredesen, why you gotta fuck with the operations of my activism happy place by saying this shit? And do I just throw these away now or what? And why do I have to feel bad and mean every single time I have doubts about supporting a male Democrat, and then feel bad again later when it turns out my doubts were correct? Why can't THEY be the ones who feel bad, just once? Harley Rouda is the next congressional race they're writing for and I know it's an important one but it's just really bothering me.
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:49 PM on October 5 [4 favorites]


See all you guys at the underground abortionist vigilante group potlucks

please bring gluten free options
posted by schadenfrau at 1:50 PM on October 5 [20 favorites]


Because beating you in the face with it is the primary reason they want power.

True in the literal sense, considering the allegations.
posted by clawsoon at 1:55 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


For your drinking needs: Game of Thrones themed scotch.

my friend works for that bev org's main office and they've been playing the GoT theme in the building's vestibule all week and she wants to die a lot
posted by poffin boffin at 2:01 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


Read the news this afternoon, took a deep breath, started thinking about what's next.
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:16 PM on October 5


On the one hand all three branches of the united states federal government are illegitimate. On the other hand, has the government of the united states, a nation-state built by enslaved people on the site of genocide, ever even approximated legitimacy?

Any government here is necessarily bastard. We never had, do not have, and will never have a legitimate government. There are no rules that bind, the law is a joke, legitimacy is itself fraudulent.

Maybe if we’re lucky and fight hard, we can have a good bastard government someday — illegitimate, sure, but nevertheless a positive force in the world. Call it a Jon Snow government, to replace the government by, of, and for gleefully sadistic Ramsay Boltons that we’ve got now.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 2:16 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]


a nation-state built by enslaved people

A nation-state built and sustained by degrading people as something less-than-human, from explicit state sanctioned slavery to economic systems designed to wring us dry.
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:29 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]


yeah wage slavery’s not chattel slavery but it’s not great either.

I’m practicing disidentification with america. it’s a place we happen to live, it’s a problem that everyone living here has, but it’s not us, not any more than the organizations we work for are us.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 2:32 PM on October 5


whelp, back to rage knitting my Behold! slanket There are a lot of swear words woven into it's threads, and I get to feel like Madame Dufarge.

At this point looking for new work because our office got a new project that I ethically can't support >:|
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 2:50 PM on October 5 [4 favorites]


the thing that’s got me especially on tilt right now is I made the mistake of watching a few minutes of collins’s little speech. The smirky “fuck all y’all for thinking I should give a shit about you” tone she took was exactly like Graham’s, or Grassley’s, or even 45’s. It was yet another painful reminder that the average white woman is about as trustworthy as the average white man.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 3:06 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]


I need to stay off the internet for a good long while.

[“what’s it like in the future?” younger me asks. “In the future,” today me responds, “we’ve all got little magic rectangles that show us people screaming in terror and rage, and we can’t ever look away from them.”]
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 3:07 PM on October 5 [12 favorites]


I have stayed out of the rolling political and fuckityfuck threads (mostly 'cause I can't keep up and also I'm exhausted just living and can't) but the last 24 hours has just been an un-ending cycle of "fuckinghell, $THING" rage and despair and I'm really glad this thread is here right now.

Also, WHAT in the actual fuck is that professor even, rtha? Let me know when your flames get to Fresno, and I'll pick it up from there. JFC.
posted by ApathyGirl at 3:14 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


Well, I just took a shit and loudly announced that I "just gave birth to a West Virginia Senator," so while the rage will not (ever) subside, it appears to be at enough of a simmer that I can make political poop jokes.
posted by duffell at 6:11 PM on October 5 [4 favorites]


Aw, my poop joke got deleted from the fucking fuck thread even.

Well, shit. Another bon mot down the drain. Hey, I'm not looking to be pampered but, I mean, being #2 makes us try harder I guess.
posted by petebest at 7:14 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


we* are all going to get the "Presidential Alert" text message today...and you just know Trump is going to hang that over us at some point

It's his version of the Terror Alert color-coded thing from the Rove Rumsfeld Cheney Bush Era, to be used whenever they need to get the people good and patriotic-like.

Vomit.
posted by tzikeh at 9:44 PM on October 5


I'm beyond ordinary anger, through the wilderness of despair, and am deep into a nihilist, raging desire to set fire to everything and scream while it burns.

I want to fill their swimming pools with beer and drown them in it. Drape and chain their bodies over those extravagant stainless-steel backyard grills and roast them until their fat drips and their skin crisps. I want to hear their petulant yowls of slightly wounded pride become sobbing, watery pleas for a mercy they will never know.

I remember being young. I remember knowing the world is shit, but believing that in the decades ahead, it would be better. I was wrong.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:30 PM on October 5 [6 favorites]


Last night at work (nightshift oncology nursing) the other nurses and I started laughing together about something who knows what, but we had this moment of downtime together; we were enjoying our work together. And one of the other nurses said: when did working in a cancer hospital because less stressful then... and she paused for a moment before she looked at all of us and said, "then everything outside of here." And we all just let loose about how on the way to work we were each SO MAD. Just the worst mood! And here we were in this work environment that can be scary AF at times, but you push that down and cover it with a calm, chill, 'we got this' demeanor. And that intensity seemed less than what we were all experiencing just living life outside. We vented for a little bit. But then the call lights began again the work picked up. We dispersed and became busy and escaped back into the workload for a little bit.

By the way I love y'all and here's a self care tip: watching Beto O'Rourke live streams help the soul like nobody's beeswax. He's on a college tour right now and seeing young folks scream for progressive causes is glorious. I can't wait to get off work Sunday morning so I can canvass for that man.
posted by dog food sugar at 8:43 AM on October 6 [13 favorites]


I'm beyond ordinary anger, through the wilderness of despair, and am deep into a nihilist, raging desire to set fire to everything and scream while it burns

I have been surprised by the strength of the blood lust I’m apparently capable of feeling. Like it’s some sort of primal, vicious thing. I want them to hurt before we grind them to nothingness.
posted by schadenfrau at 9:20 AM on October 6 [10 favorites]


(petebest, not sure if you were serious, but in case you were: you didn't have a comment deleted in here)
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:45 PM on October 6




It's a funny thing when a pearl jam video from 1998 is the most relevant content on youtube.

One little reminder: the destruction of public or private property is not violence.
posted by Rust Moranis at 1:23 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]


I went out canvassing this morning, and for the second week in a row, I got detained for like 20 minutes by some dude who decided that he had a captive female audience and he should mansplain some bullshit to me. 20 fucking minutes about how the Democrats are messed up because they spend too much money on TV ads and not enough on yard signs and canvassing. Seriously: he had the fucking gall to lecture me on how the Democrats don't canvass enough while I was out canvassing and he was sitting on his ass in his PJs doing nothing. Dude thinks I'm garbage enough that I should spend 20 minutes listening to him pontificate, but apparently I'm also powerful enough to get the Democrats to change their entire campaign strategy. And because I am a good little canvasser, I smiled while he monologued, because you're not supposed to scream at the voters.

I swear to god, I am going to fucking lose it at some guy one of these days, and that would be bad, because as I said, you are not supposed to scream at the voters.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 1:32 PM on October 6 [16 favorites]


At least he's planning to vote for Democrats. The guy last week monologued at me for 20 minutes and then told me that the whole system was bullshit and he probably wasn't going to vote in November.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 1:35 PM on October 6 [5 favorites]


Found an article about the upcoming "Mary Poppins Returns", and the author stating that she can't come back fast enough for our dysfunctional times. Am hoping that the lead, Emily Blunt, is a little less like Mary Poppins, and more like Sergeant Rita Vrataski ("Angel of Verdun") from Edge of Tommorrow/Live. Die. Repeat.
posted by ZeusHumms at 1:42 PM on October 6 [1 favorite]


JUSTICE GINSBURG: I’d like to welcome Justice Kavanaugh to his first deliberation with the Court, and in order to dispel any negative feelings... although I’m not much of a baker, I have made chocolate chip cookies.

JUSTICE KAVANAUGH: Thank you, these are excellent.

JUSTICE GINSBURG: You’re very welcome. The secret is unsalted cultured butter. I had previously attempted rapeseed oil, but I was disappointed with the results.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:47 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]


I have been surprised by the strength of the blood lust I’m apparently capable of feeling. Like it’s some sort of primal, vicious thing. I want them to hurt before we grind them to nothingness.

Seconded. It requires some effort not to post things that would get me on yet another watchlist.

That said, the era of "when they go low, we go high" is officially over. Been there. Tried that. Got this. It's nothing but rhetorical machetes from here on out, particularly since THEY'RE the ones who think they deserve apologies now.
posted by delfin at 1:55 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]


I think the reason I can’t look away is that some part of my brain thinks that if I just check the news again and again eventually it’ll be better. probably it’s the same part of my brain that checks the fridge four or five times in a row, expecting that maybe this time there’ll be more food in there.

Looking doesn’t change things.

I’m going to a protest in a few hours and I’m getting off the internet as long as I can. meet you in the street.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 1:57 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]


The Beto event I did voter registration at this morning was packed. Every type of person was there, all lined up at 8 am on a Saturday to get a seat. Unsurprisingly, most were already registered, but I am still very glad I went, as it's the only reason I am not losing my shit right now. I feel hollowed out, like in the aftermath of an emotional storm, but Doing Something is tremendously helpful. I would be curled up in a useless rageball otherwise.

I can't believe these fuckers control all 3 branches of government.
posted by tingting at 2:16 PM on October 6 [4 favorites]


I haven't been Catholic for 25+ years, but find myself thinking/praying this more than a few times a day: Please let Satan exist and that he thinks that Dante's 'Inferno' is a great start, but didn't go far enough and needs to be updated using these assholes as test subjects
posted by Vervain at 2:19 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]


May he have a long and excruciating life.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:31 PM on October 6




Me moving to red-state Real America eight years ago: I look forward to reaching out to and getting to know my rural libertarian neighbors as we try to make a go of this together
Me in red-state Real America now: Chairman Xi, please drop a nuke on my head if it means the rest of them get it too
posted by Rust Moranis at 2:51 PM on October 6 [7 favorites]


So are people figuring out their lines in the sand? Like their triggers on when they leave?
posted by schadenfrau at 2:56 PM on October 6


So, who is more fucked: The UK or the US?

Asking for a friend.

(edit to include: GODDAMN, AMERICA)
posted by snortasprocket at 2:59 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]



So are people figuring out their lines in the sand? Like their triggers on when they leave?


I don't know where there is to go.

If I knew how to go somewhere else, and take my family, I would.

I would love to move to Canada. But they have rules, too. We'd need jobs, whatever fairy magic that lets people move to Canada. We're not scientists. We don't work for a company with a Canadian office.

My line in the sand was passed today.

I genuinely don't know how to leave.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:05 PM on October 6 [8 favorites]


> So, who is more fucked: The UK or the US?

Asking for a friend.


everywhere is equally fucked, because the fascists are organizing internationally.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 3:13 PM on October 6 [11 favorites]


I genuinely don't know how to leave.

everywhere is equally fucked


Yeah, that’s the thing. And then I think about how even if I could leave, not everyone can. And then I realize — again, each time — that the only option is to fight.

Election night is going to be rough on the adrenals, possibly the liver.
posted by schadenfrau at 3:39 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]


The line shouldn't be "now I'm leaving the country," unless you already have a good escape plan to the small handful of countries that will be relatively safe.

The line should be "I will now accept tactics that I would have considered unthinkable last year."
posted by Rust Moranis at 3:39 PM on October 6 [18 favorites]


The line should be "I will now accept tactics that I would have considered unthinkable last year."

Yes.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:55 PM on October 6 [4 favorites]


They’re good judicial precedents, Bront
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:57 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]


think about what tactics you considered abhorrent last year and don’t consider abhorrent now. presume that the world continues on the same trajectory, and based on your change over the last year hypothesize about what tactics you consider unacceptable now but will consider acceptable next year.

Do those things.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 6:03 PM on October 6 [7 favorites]


Well, we knew it was going to happen but still seeing that smirking rapist take office as a Supreme Court Justice is gut wrenching.

Fuck. Just fuck.
posted by sotonohito at 6:50 PM on October 6 [1 favorite]


As A Terrible Llama said, Canada won't take me and nowhere else will either. Nobody wants me in their country but especially here :P
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:24 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]


Urge to kill...rising.
posted by kirkaracha at 7:27 PM on October 6 [1 favorite]


FUUUUUUCK RAPIST FRATBOY JUDGES AND FUCK THIS BULLSHIT.
posted by loquacious at 9:28 PM on October 6 [5 favorites]


I am terrified for the children in the concentration tents in Texas.
posted by jointhedance at 3:20 AM on October 7 [7 favorites]


arbitraryandcapricious thanks for your canvassing work. I would not have had the patience to stand there and listen to that mansplaining bullshit. i would have interrupted him and said, Great! ill move along to my next stop in case its someone not already fired up to vote blue! thanks for your time! seriously: Men can grow the fuck UP and realize women have brains guts and balls too, and have some goddamn respect for someone other than yourself already.

I am so sick of men that cant be bothered to take 3 fucking seconds to THINK and LISTEN.
posted by yoga at 10:34 AM on October 7 [3 favorites]


The line should be "I will now accept tactics that I would have considered unthinkable last year."

i already wanted to consume the flesh of republicans last year so i'm not sure what would be unthinkable now. overcooking it?
posted by poffin boffin at 11:40 AM on October 7 [5 favorites]


the wrong wine pairing maybe.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:40 AM on October 7 [1 favorite]


Consider putting ketchup on it.
posted by Rust Moranis at 11:47 AM on October 7 [2 favorites]


I know that I'm in a bad place because Trump's TP on the shoe thing didn't cheer me up one bit. Even Gritty has failed me. I tweeted at him a heartfelt plea to send me a cheerful message because the politics made me sad. Nothing. So I tweeted at him that he looked like the Babadook. No response, no acknowledgement of my deep insight that Gritty is modeled upon the Babadook. Gritty, maybe you have copyright worries, but the least you can do is distract me from the gang rape judge, that should be your higher calling.
posted by angrycat at 12:33 PM on October 7 [2 favorites]


So I mentioned her stuff on the main thread and she’s had some front page posts, but like the only thing that is keeping me sane in these troubling times is watching everything ContraPoints has ever put out. If you’re not familiar with her and need something smart and good to keep the stupid bad world at bay, you should maybe watch her stuff.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 1:53 PM on October 7 [2 favorites]


man this week has really impacted me quite badly. I’m sad and scared and pretty convinced that Kavenaugh on the court means that sooner or later (probably sooner) the court is going to issue a 5-4 ruling clearing 45 of all his crimes and arbitrarily expanding the powers of the executive branch. Today, more than any day since early 2017, I’m convinced that America’s experiment with democracy is over.

And it is fucking paralyzing. I have a lot of important work stuff to do, and I’m putting it all farther and farther off in ways that will come back on me hard if I don’t course-correct soon. And I have some serious personal life stuff involving a scofflaw landlord that I’m likewise sleepwalking through. It is no fucking good.

Normally I’m a solitary person — my best thoughts and best work get done when I’m left alone for a while — and I’ve been working remotely for years, since that works out well for me. but now my inner monologue is bleak as hell. My work is highly technical and requires disciplined concentration, but I’ve got none of that in me. and after a little while trying and failing to concentrate, I end up checking this fucking site and reading about the new disasters and it’s game over for the rest of the day. What I’m going to try to do in the coming week is spend absolutely zero time alone. if there’s other people around maybe I won’t check metafilter. If I’m around other people who are concentrating on things, maybe I can concentrate too.

but it’s so hard.

I feel like I’m “dumping out” when I talk about this stuff with the people in my life, cause I’m a cis het dude and fairly low on the “people 45 wants to shut up and die” list. but christ, it’s all shaking me apart. I’m in therapy, but it’s not doing much good these days, I’ve tried more or less every relevant psychiatric med during a previous anxiety/depression episode, and none of them do much good.

The 21st century is awful.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 6:04 PM on October 7 [15 favorites]


Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon, for whatever it’s worth I’ve been appreciating your posts over the last few days (and not just because of our usernames.) Watching Contrapoint today helped me through a few hours and in general I’ve been noticing your name attached to comments that articulate/validate my feelings which is worth a lot.
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 10:15 PM on October 7 [4 favorites]


I cannot get it together. and I'm trying as hard as I can to get people to go knock doors, and maybe flip a few seats in this part of the world, and it's excuse after excuse after excuse. and every single 'oh, I would, but--' is just eating into my soul like acid.

I had this immensely shitty conversation today with, naturally, a straight white guy, who was all 'after this week I don't want to talk about anything to do with politics' and like, yeah, I don't either. how nice for you, that you can turn it off. because I can't. I cannot ignore this, not when I have to remember every time I was assaulted and every time I wasn't believed, when I have to try to drum up folks to change things when I'm sobbing uncontrollably in between phone calls.

I'm out here asking for a couple of hours of your life, to maybe take back a couple of House seats, a state legislature, a school superintendent that's going to have real and lasting impact on the lives of people in this actual area, and like-- you don't care enough for that? In the face of all of this, you don't even want to try?

I am so tired. I'm so tired and I'm trying so hard and I don't know what else to do. I don't know what I'm going to do if this doesn't work. I feel so goddamned alone out here.
posted by dogheart at 12:40 AM on October 8 [14 favorites]


anyway please be nice to political callers
posted by dogheart at 12:46 AM on October 8 [11 favorites]


SUP YALL THE PLANETS DYING
Fuck.
posted by fast ein Maedchen at 6:37 AM on October 8 [8 favorites]


SUP YALL THE PLANETS DYING
Fuck.
posted by fast ein Maedchen at 6:37 AM on October 8 [3 favorites +] [!]


Yeah, if anyone has any, uh, coping strategies for this piece of info I'd be much obliged. I mean, do I start teaching my kids survival techniques now? Or just look into moving to some ... other... planet? maybe?
posted by From Bklyn at 7:58 AM on October 8


young people have flexible minds. they’ll probably be better adapted than we will to our new lives wandering the blasted wastes eating lizards and killing nazis.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:29 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]


It's one thing to have a general idea about what you're getting into. It's another to awaken to the existential horror of womanhood in society and yet still somehow be okay with it, because at least now you know when you're first against the wall when the fascists come, you'll die correct.
posted by anem0ne at 8:34 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]


Yeah, if anyone has any, uh, coping strategies for [global warming disasters] I'd be much obliged. I mean, do I start teaching my kids survival techniques now? Or just look into moving to some ... other... planet? maybe?

I think having the resources to move internationally will take care of at least a couple of generations once moving becomes necessary, but at the same time maybe it's not a good idea to paint our progeny into geographical corners.
posted by rhizome at 8:52 AM on October 8


the wars will start before the worst effects of climate change actually hit.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:54 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]


Yeah, if anyone has any, uh, coping strategies for this piece of info I'd be much obliged. I mean, do I start teaching my kids survival techniques now? Or just look into moving to some ... other... planet? maybe?

Live north of the 44th parallel, otherwise live near mountains out west with high-altitude lakes. Teach your kids how to work as part of a community, how to produce food, and to view life and ecosystems as precious.
posted by Rust Moranis at 9:19 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]


Oh man. Today is grim. I keep thinking about Thich Nhat Hanh’s “No Death, No Fear.” Or the Stoic’s whole worst case scenario thing.

“Meditate on ‘death by Nazi’ until it no longer scares you” is not what I expected to put at the top of the to do list I keep avoiding, but again, here we are.
posted by schadenfrau at 9:45 AM on October 8 [7 favorites]


So, empathy and compassion. If I never see that shit again in the megathreads it'll be too fucking soon.

It always lands like a wet fart, largely because it always seems to be put forth by those who are less likely to be constantly asked to be "empathic" and "compassionate" and "civil" and "understanding".

This yellow peril shit is starting again, what with Trump continually fingering China; it hasn't yet really heated up, but the burner is on. And so we'll ask Asian-Americans, who are already so understanding and accommodating because we're polite, to be civil about it, as Vincent Chin's younger siblings start getting the shit kicked out of them.

Trumpists seem to love these bathroom bills, and yet trans folk are asked to be understanding about how we're just so alien to people, that we should be civil when our survival is on the line, that we should have empathy for all those people with "concerns" as our PoC sisters are murdered and deadnamed in their death.

We ask so much of Black and Latinx peoples' empathy and civility and understanding and compassion and then as a society murder them and then try to destroy them for kneeling or showing even a flare of anger.

We ask women to just let boys be boys, apparently. And we have to understand, and forgive, and be civil, and stand by as rapists go free.

I really fucking wish people would stop lecturing about how we just need to have empathy.
posted by anem0ne at 11:59 AM on October 8 [10 favorites]


i can have empathy, it's sympathy where i allow myself to draw the line.
posted by rhizome at 12:24 PM on October 8 [2 favorites]


it's the smallest of potatoes, but my worst ex has somehow ingratiated himself into, and now appears on literally every episode of, my favorite podcast, ruining it forever with his trademark smug fucking bullshit.

It's incredibly stupid and not important at all, but just like, can I have any thing? Even one tiny thing, to get me through the slog? No, no I cannot.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:48 PM on October 8 [10 favorites]


Blast Hardcheese, I had something similar happen recently. I even got served a freaking banner ad for my awful ex's shiny new thing, despite my personal policy of never, ever googling the little toad.

It sucks so very, very much.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:15 PM on October 8 [2 favorites]


I feel you, Blast Hardcheese. I've had something similar, too: an awful, awful person who has shown herself over a long period to be an awful, awful person seems to have completely evaded any responsibility for actually, honest-to-god ruining people's lives. And the accolades keep coming, publicly and often, because no one seems to care that she's a genuinely bad human being. Hell, I've seen her in FPP's and it makes me furious in the same way, like, is there *one fucking place* that I don't have to hear about her? Yeah, small potatoes, but I'm getting a little tired of reciting to myself, "The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they grind exceeding fine." It doesn't work after a while.
posted by holborne at 1:21 PM on October 8 [2 favorites]


UGH I am so sorry these things happened to you both but also, it really does help to have the shittiness confirmed.

I'm especially mad because I introduced him to that podcast and he used to claim that he didn't even like that podcast.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:22 PM on October 8 [5 favorites]


I'm especially mad because I introduced him to that podcast and he used to claim that he didn't even like that podcast.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHH. So infuriating!
posted by holborne at 2:58 PM on October 8 [3 favorites]


They seem so pleased with themselves to have torpedoed any chance America could be America and I am absolutely seething, y'all.
posted by ob1quixote at 4:31 PM on October 8 [2 favorites]



UGH I am so sorry these things happened to you both but also, it really does help to have the shittiness confirmed.


Super-samesies. Sending both of you hugs, solidarity, and extra-big glasses of your favorite tasty beverages.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 7:29 PM on October 8 [1 favorite]


I just feel the need to unreservedly say:

Trump didn't speak on my behalf when he apologized to you for all Americans, Kavanaugh. You're a lying piece of shit, and you shouldn't even be a judge, much less on the Supreme Court, and if we had a system with actual checks and balances, I think you'd be in jail about now.

So no, you don't get my apology, Mr. Kavanaugh. Not even an inch of it. Trump doesn't have that power over me.
posted by Archelaus at 7:53 PM on October 8 [3 favorites]


The thing that's seriously roasting my parsnips right now is the assertion (apparently well-founded) that conservative white women are now siding with Kavanaugh in droves, because they're worried about what could happen to their families if their husbands, fathers, sons, and brothers were suddenly called to account for sex crimes they committed years or decades ago.

It's insane to me, because if it's true (and it really does seem to be) then (1) It means that: (a) women in this population generally accept, and are at peace with, the idea that the men in their lives have done things at least as bad as what Kavanaugh did, and that (b) potential accusers are out there who at least approach the credibility level of Dr. Ford; and that (2) Given that, the most important thing to do is protect the men, never mind that the victims are most likely their mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, or other men in their lives, or even themselves.

I'm from a deeply red part of the country. I've watched, many times, as folks from my region rushed in to carry water for abusive men. But goddamn: the magnitude of the sacrifice still gets to me. It's fucking horrifying.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 8:50 PM on October 8 [12 favorites]


palmcorder_yajna, the dynamic you describe is absolutely a real one. I've seen it in action in my own family, with my mother siding with my dad against me. In my mother's case, there is intergenerational abuse in her own family which helps with her denial. She's also primarily concerned with her own material security (she's told me on multiple occasions that the main reason she doesn't divorce him is that she "doesn't want to grow old alone" despite the fact that is he abusive in every possible way). I don't doubt there is a similar mentality in other conservative families, perhaps with slightly different calculus. It's the victims and survivors who get sacrificed at the altar of security and denial. At least I know exactly where I stand with my family and that I am far better off without them.

Conservative women closing ranks around their abusive men does not surprise me, but it is infinitely depressing. I have no hope of reaching those women.

(Hi all, long-time lurker. Thanks for maintaining these threads; they've been helpful through the last few weeks.)
posted by zenzicube at 7:15 AM on October 9 [11 favorites]


There are men that I'm close to, men I love, and the past three weeks...silence. I get how entitled and petty this sounds, but why haven't any of them have reached out to me and asked how I'm doing or asked what they could do for me? The silence hurts. The absence hurts.

I could reach out myself and ask them, but can't I be on the receiving end of emotional labor, just once?
posted by fluttering hellfire at 8:05 AM on October 9 [8 favorites]


But goddamn: the magnitude of the sacrifice still gets to me. It's fucking horrifying.

It’s weird, we call it Stockholm syndrome when it’s the result of like...a few days of this shit. But when it’s a lifetime of this shit it’s no longer a syndrome that’s the obvious result of trauma; it’s the women’s fault.

Like obviously you can be a victim and a victimizer at the same time, and these women are. But Jesus Christ they were raised to be abused. They were raised to take the rage and disappointment and ire of men and absorb it like some sort of loving sponge, and now that’s what they know, and who they believe themselves to be, even if they never had a chance to see what they might be outside of that environment. Like veal, if we were worse to veal.
posted by schadenfrau at 10:10 AM on October 9 [9 favorites]


There are Democrats who support Trump. Right now.

There are Democrats
…who support…
Trump.



WHAT THE FUCKING EVERLOVING FUCKLEDY-FUCK
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 11:44 AM on October 9


Vile.

Pretty much every day now, that's the word that keeps coming to mind for me. The shit going on now, it's not just wrong, it's not just rage-inducing, it's... vile. No other way to say it. Every time I check the news, more vileness. They know what it is, they're positively gleeful about it, they revel in the vileness of it all.

Compassion? Empathy? No. We need flamethrowers.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 11:59 AM on October 9 [3 favorites]


She's also primarily concerned with her own material security (she's told me on multiple occasions that the main reason she doesn't divorce him is that she "doesn't want to grow old alone" despite the fact that is he abusive in every possible way). I don't doubt there is a similar mentality in other conservative families, perhaps with slightly different calculus.

"That's just how men are" seems like an important part of this, because if you can be convinced to believe that men can't be better then for you it's not a question of making men better. Instead, it's a question of whether you "win" by getting a man to commit to you or "lose" by having a man discard you. You get abused either way, but if you're the perfect woman then you at least get material security from your big strong abusive man.
posted by clawsoon at 12:01 PM on October 9 [5 favorites]


I'm not feeling particularly sympathetic to women who didn't pursue their own economic independence and find themselves unable to leave because they stayed home and baked cookies and had teas. Women fought for years so they could enter the workforce, own property, and establish credit. If you shat all over that work for a lifestyle choice of being economically dependent on a man, that's on you.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:36 PM on October 9


I think the Just World Fallacy also comes into play for some women. If they can convince themselves that when bad things happen to other women it's because of something those other women did, then it means those things can't happen to them.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:25 PM on October 9 [3 favorites]


There's this weird thing that happens. My dad would have these irrational, abusive rages and he'd explicitly tell my mother, sister, and I that they were our fault, that we caused his behavior. At one level we knew this was nonsense, but at a deeper level we just kept working harder to identify his triggers, to very closely watch him for clues about his state of mind, to try to know when it was safe or when it was best to keep a low-profile.

My mother and I, especially, are exquisitely sensitive to signs that someone is angry and, more to the point, we both compulsively feel that we must manage every social interaction, taking responsibility for everyone's feelings, doing the "right" things to keep everyone happy and avoiding conflict.

I know I can't control other people, I always knew that I really couldn't control my dad, but at my core I am absolutely certain that the one thing I can control is my own actions and thus, if I make the right choices, I can keep myself safe.

I know, I know, that I'm not responsible when I'm hurt by hurtful people -- I'm very aware that some people make a habit of being hurtful -- but, even so, I'm desperate to avoid being hurt and so I can't ever stop blaming myself when I'm hurt, always recapitulating events in my mind, thinking if only I had done this instead of that.

I'm not unaware of my own cognitive habits and coping mechanisms, and I often think about how much of a relief it would be to not constantly be so sensitive to people's body language, to not always be trying to mind-read, to not be so angry with myself when someone hurts me. The problem is, though, that I spent so much of my childhood feeling helpless and trapped, and always so surprised at rage and viciousness, that it's obviously absolutely crucial for me to believe that I'm not powerless, that I can mind-read and predict someone's future actions. I'm driven by this imperative to try harder and then I'll be safe.

When I was younger, I applied this standard to other people. When I was a child, especially, both my mother and I would be impatient and blame each other when one of us didn’t handle my dad correctly.

I long ago stopped holding other people to this kind of absurd, oppressive standard. I'm forceful and adamant in communicating the truth to other people that they're not responsible for the awful things other people do to them. I have been, in particular, furious for decades at the constant messaging to women that sexual assault is simply about the choices they make.

In a way, though, this double-standard is untenable. If I know -- and I truly do know -- that it's absurd and horribly unfair to hold other people responsible when they're hurt by someone else, then that strongly challenges this belief about myself. But I can't let that belief go because then where would I be? I'd feel completely at the mercy of other people, poweless to protect myself.

I think it's more typical for someone with this kind of history to be uncharitable about other people in this respect because that's a simpler, more consistent worldview. Surely this is especially true for women, given the constant drumbeat of the message that men will be men and a woman is naturally and inevitably responsible for sufficiently protecting herself from them.

And it doesn't seem to matter even if we know this can't be true, that it's horribly unfair. Frequently I think about the cruel irony that, even though I know it's not true, I thoroughly internalized my dad's message that it's all my fault. It's my fault that he hurt me. It's my fault when someone hurts me -- I should have known.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 7:32 AM on October 10 [21 favorites]


find themselves unable to leave because they stayed home and baked cookies and had teas

This is the form of misogyny I was talking about.

I don’t know if you’re unable to imagine lives different than your own or you’re simply not willing to, but this is extraordinarily shitty, and is exactly the kind of victim blaming people reserve for women, specifically, who have been traumatized by growing up in explicitly misogynistic environments. It was the exact point of my comment. You are doing the thing.

Ivan Fyodorovich’s lengthier comment draws a more detailed picture of one of those lives you may have difficulty imagining, and while it lacks the effects of profound misogyny from birth, it is written by a man, so perhaps you’ll take it seriously.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:52 AM on October 10 [17 favorites]


I thought Ivan's comment went well beyond the putative subject of this thread and really illustrated the age old internal friction between the reactionary survival mechanisms and the higher abstract reasoning circuits. What we usually consider our identity is created between, and we spend our lives trying to extricate from that place. Anyway.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:18 AM on October 10 [1 favorite]


Gonna suggest we leave it at that, as far as analyzing the psychology of conservative women under patriarchy. If people need to do that, make a thread on the blue for it. This thread exists for venting primal screams together. It's been a helluva couple weeks and I get that we're all raw.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:37 AM on October 10 [4 favorites]


Hey folks, i seemingly have to choose between being a really mean person who is productive and a unhappy and being a mellow baseline-acceptable human being who lies in bed a lot and doesn’t get anything done. Which should I choose?
posted by bq at 1:47 PM on October 10 [1 favorite]


Well, I have chosen the secretly (okay, mostly secretly) "mean person who is productive and unhappy" path for myself, but my health seems to be going to shit, so I'm not sure I can really recommend that. I mean, on the one hand, "productive" means I can afford health care. But on the other hand, I really seem to be needing it more as a direct result.

Maybe I need to be more openly mean to make this path actually work?

Dunno. Maybe don't listen to me. I'm kinda shit for brains these days.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:13 PM on October 10


maximum capacity
posted by moonlight on vermont at 7:28 PM on October 10


Good analogy.

I have a frame of mind I call ‘airport mind’ because in airports you really can only control so many things, so it’s no use getting upset or losing your cool; in fact, that can make things worse. Airport Mind is a kind of zen surrender/despair. In the last couple of days some kind of switch got flipped or phase change happened and my brain is now stuck in Airport Mode.
posted by bq at 8:36 PM on October 10 [9 favorites]


Today, I called out a dude who was letting his giant dog pee all over my neighbors' personal recycling bins that were on the curb for pickup!

Today, I got sworn at by a dude who was letting his giant dog pee all over people's personal recycling bins, because my tone is the real problem.

:D
posted by joyceanmachine at 6:51 AM on October 11 [6 favorites]


Kanye can go suffocate in a fuckin' MAGA hat. Fuck him completely.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:10 AM on October 11 [5 favorites]


What the hell does one narcissist get out of another narcissist? I don't understand. Do they somehow heterodyne off of insincere compliments into some kind of group mental masturbation thing? God, I'm so glad I have no idea, having spent almost no time with even one narcissist, let alone two simultaneously. I can't even imagine the psychic stink they must give off.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:29 PM on October 11 [2 favorites]


I think of narcissism as "forcing the people around you to be characters in the movie of your life that you're writing," so K & T hanging out together merely means their life-movies are similar.
posted by rhizome at 1:34 PM on October 11 [3 favorites]


Only another narcissist can understand the pain and injustice of no one appreciating that thing they did that one time.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:02 PM on October 11 [1 favorite]


Narcissists don't have empathy. The way they hang out together is by having compatible worldviews, probably requiring that the other person cannot affect their life in any way, that while the other person may also have power in their own world, they don't have to be worried about the power being used against themselves. Each would go back to hating the other in a New York Minute if the winds of their perspectives shifted, because to a narcissist everybody can be turned into a Shannen Doherty on 90210 and cast aside. Elsewhere this is called "culture fit."
posted by rhizome at 2:29 PM on October 11 [3 favorites]


I imagine it's something like this
posted by lucidium at 2:35 PM on October 11


Can I just say that it's been a long time since I had a deja vu induced anxiety "premonition" and I really could have gone the rest of my days without that happening again?
posted by ob1quixote at 6:29 PM on October 11


That "look men rape is just like being kicked in the balls" thing makes me some damn frustrated with the state of the world. But I'm not supposed to say that in the Trump politics thread, so I'm saying it over here. That is where we are now, where expecting men to have empathy is a bridge too far, and the only way they can possibly get there is by having their hands held through basic human empathy by a terrible analogy.
posted by hydropsyche at 6:15 AM on October 14 [5 favorites]


Somebody in my East Coast family was defending Kavanaugh the other night and it's now shaping our holiday plans, because if it's a choice between being an asshole and lying about being sick and watching TV by myself all Christmas and spending Christmas with this person I will chose the former solo TV watching choice.

It was like, this family member decided Thanksgiving 2017 to blame the Hillary Clinton for Trump's win, Christmas 2017 to criticize the MeToo movement, and last Friday she defended Kavanaugh. It's really the first instances I've known of where I've lost my appetite because of conversations.

This is one of those times where I'm like I'm totally fucking exploiting the fact that I have a disability oh poor Angrycat doesn't feel up to Christmas dinner, so sad. Fine, I'll take it, just no more ruined dinners, please, I'm tired of it.
posted by angrycat at 1:50 PM on October 14 [14 favorites]




today's arguments about Warren are making me regret making the damn thread
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 3:43 PM on October 15 [6 favorites]


well... fuck.
posted by tingting at 5:02 PM on October 15


I'm about to just give up and identify myself as a Pretendian every single time I bring up my Native heritage. What's that, you need health care? What's your tribal affiliation? Oh, I'm a fucking Pretendian.

Jesus.
posted by elsietheeel at 5:49 PM on October 15


Fuck yeah, Dog made it through surgery and is coming home today! (minus one leg)
posted by fluttering hellfire at 6:37 AM on October 17 [12 favorites]


I find myself muttering "Everything is terrible forever now" to myself like 18x a day.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:13 AM on October 17 [1 favorite]


Again, this is a really minor thing compared to pretty much everything else in this thread, but I've got to vent somewhere...okay, so you may remember we're doing this massive IT system upgrade project where I work, and part of my bit is doing integration coding to make the whole new thing work with one of our huge existing systems. This is pretty much how my last few weeks have gone:

Project managers: "Well, it's going to be a long and arduous process, but using [officially mandated data integration product, which is slow and clunky and an absolute chore to work with] we can get it done. We'll schedule you for a week or two of intensive training some time in the new year, and---"

Me: "I did it already. In Python. It's like a hundred lines long, tops, and it's fast. It caches OAuth tokens for speed, keeps detailed logs of transactions, translates from XML to JSON on the fly...it's ready to go. It just needs to be thrown on a staging server and stress-tested to work out any bugs I haven't caught. Done."

Them: "That's great, but we really want to be using [product that no kidding, costs upwards of £10K per year per license seat and vomits a Bible's worth of error messages if you misplace a comma]. Moving on..."

I'm still hoping that I can wear them down enough to at least look at the thing. I'm actually pretty proud of it.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:00 AM on October 17 [8 favorites]


well in these dark and terrible days i can at least cling to the reasonable hope of seeing genocidal fuckhead fujimori die in prison
posted by poffin boffin at 10:15 AM on October 17 [1 favorite]


Thanks to the Khashoggi thread I now have an app I can access right from my Apple watch face to immediately begin recording audio in case of emergency. Blah.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:55 PM on October 17 [2 favorites]


Name of the app, Burhanistan?
posted by argonauta at 2:05 PM on October 17


There are a few but I sprung for Just Record. It works really well and uses both iCloud and Apple’s transcription service, also allows playback on the watch speaker. But whichever you get be sure to choose one that has a “Complication” or instant access icon from the watch face.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:17 PM on October 17 [1 favorite]


I do not want a fucking Apple watch but now that I know such a recording app exists (bc I would never have time to reach my phone) I am tempted to consider one.

One of the awesome things about living in Sweden AND ignoring local news is that I can pretend that everything here is pretty swell. I made the mistake of reading the local Google News for Sweden in Swedish today, and it turns out that a 6-year-old boy is supposed to be expelled from the country because his mother died in April and his birthfather, who lives in the Ukraine, where the family was from, gave up his parental rights legally when mom and boy moved to Sweden.

Now, the kid (who has lived in Sweden for 3 years) has loving maternal grandparents who are caring for him now. But the Immigration Department decided that he should be shipped back to his country of origin alone instead of granted permission to remain here in Sweden with his grandparents.

Luckily there has been tons of media coverage and people all over the country being all, WTF. And this is one child, not 3000 or 1500 or however the hell many the US has in cages at the moment. But I know there must have been others we have not heard about and I know there will be more in the future, and the climate is going to kill us all in 10 or 15 or 20 years and should the species survive against those odds, well, the sun is going out eventually. So why should I care? But I care and was working on some kind of protest when the Immigration folks announced today that the expulsion of Denis (his name) is on hold. So that is something for now.

I am loving autumn here, the crunchy leaves, the sounds of the leaves falling, the colours, the crunch of the acorns underfoot when I leave my apartment. It feels unfair that I have anything to enjoy, actually, when so many people do not. But I am enjoying it nonetheless and I send many hugs to all who need them, myself included, for those moments when you need more than what you have.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:50 PM on October 17 [1 favorite]


She fucking died 8 hours after I brought her home. That's all of my dogs in less than a year.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 8:18 PM on October 17


Oh god damn, I am so sorry, fh.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:27 PM on October 17 [1 favorite]


That sucks. I’m so sorry.
posted by bq at 8:36 PM on October 17


Oh God, fuck that. I’m so sorry.
posted by schadenfrau at 9:25 PM on October 17


My deepest sympathies, fluttering hellfire.
posted by ob1quixote at 10:29 PM on October 17


Aw, hellfire, that's awful. I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by asperity at 11:41 PM on October 17


This morning, a friend passed on an uplifting story in which the San Diego Padres made sure one of their prospects would have medical care for life when he was struck down with viral cardiomyopathy. It was nice in way, but we couldn't help but note that "wealthy company makes sure employee doesn't die for lack of basic health care" is only noteworthy because we're not really living in a civilized society.

I have since spent the rest of the morning coming up with Upworthy posts from 15 years in the future, anticipating a continued erosion in our expectations for life and a continued degrading of what counts as "inspirational."

Little Timmy found out the man sleeping in the sewer next to his didn't have pellets to purify his rainwater. So he sold his blood to help buy them.

When Jane's employer find out she'd lost her car, they gave her an extra 30 minutes to get off the property each night before they released the hounds.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:03 AM on October 18 [7 favorites]


(If you want to play, too, I put it on Twitter.)
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:11 AM on October 18


So sorry, fluttering hellfire. I lost three cats in one year due to completely unrelated cancers. My two current beasts have never completely warmed up to me, and part of me is, like, yeah, keep your distance for your own protection.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:42 AM on October 18


Our landlord is attempting to abuse a loophole in local rent control law to evict everyone in our complex, without cause and without any compensation. Although we have extensive evidence that he can't actually use the loophole he's trying to use, fighting an eviction means a jury trial where our attorney says we have a "70/30 chance of winning." Winning yields... okay... results. losing would be completely disastrous.

The landlord has recently put up security cameras pointing into nearly every window in the complex. It is unclear why he has done this, other than as an intimidation measure. Needless to say, everyone has had to keep their blinds closed at all times.

If he's going to take it to court instead of settling, Monday's the first day he can serve us all with eviction notices. If we are served with eviction notices, win or lose we will have trouble renting an apartment in our state ever again.

One of the other tenants in our complex has had a miscarriage as a result of the stress.

The landlord/tenant relationship is an invitation for the landlord to abuse the tenants. Should we make our way to a timeline worth living in, the existence of landlords is going to be one of the things pointed to as evidence of the barbarism of our times.

Some of you reading this may be landlords. Please consider moving to a different line of business. Perhaps you could convert your units into a co-op arrangement, wherein tenants acquire equity in the units they live in. This would free both you and them from the injustice inherent in the landlord/tenant arrangement. In any case, regardless of whether or not you think you are a good landlord, do be aware that the landlord/tenant relationship is itself morally corrosive, and damages everyone involved in it.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 11:41 AM on October 18 [9 favorites]


The landlord has recently put up security cameras pointing into nearly every window in the complex

IANAL, but if they're residential windows it's almost certainly illegal in the courtroom sense, if not a police one.
posted by rhizome at 11:48 AM on October 18


Christ that's fucking horrible. The mere fact that serving an eviction notice, whether legal or not, does irreparable harm to people with no realistic form of redress should make it fucking actionable.

I just...I hate this fucking timeline. I hate professional landlords. I mean, Christ, it's right there in the name: landlord. How fucked is that?

Reclusive Novelist, I'm so sorry. And your neighbor. Good lord. I hope there is some form of justice in your near future.
posted by schadenfrau at 12:15 PM on October 18


real talk we’re probably going to have to move. the consequences of not winning are disasterous, and the burden of proof for whether or not he has done the things that allow him to use the loophole falls on us, not him. which means despite having gathered insane amounts of evidence, the fact that we’re tasked with proving a negative means everything is uncertain.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 12:21 PM on October 18


> IANAL, but if they're residential windows it's almost certainly illegal in the courtroom sense, if not a police one.

Yeah, he’s not gathering evidence for use in court. he’s just trying to make the complex as unpleasant as possible to live in.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 12:23 PM on October 18


that is some fucking murder on the orient express style motivation right there. god fucking dammit.
posted by schadenfrau at 12:28 PM on October 18 [1 favorite]


Nazis (Proud Boys) are organizing regularly here. I was talking with a friend today, and we're scared, and overwhelmed, and unsure what to do. And at this point I think the only answer is, "organize back", because it's too much for us alone. There's the little stuff we can do every day to fight this but if we don't get active I don't know what's going to happen.
posted by curious nu at 4:16 PM on October 18 [3 favorites]


"Hey everybody, guess what Trump said today! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"
posted by rhizome at 7:43 PM on October 18 [2 favorites]


Now I have "Impressions" by Tyrone Green stuck in my head.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:04 AM on October 19 [1 favorite]




I'm not allowed to say why I'm fucked today, but I am soooooooooooo fucked in the future I can't even.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:36 PM on October 19 [1 favorite]


A few days ago my wife told me about a "political thread" in our local Facebook group. I finally went and read it. Basically, this woman's grown-ass adult son got thrown out of a local barber shop because, when asked what he's been up to lately, mentioned that he's interning for the Michigan Republican party. The owner refunded his money and told him to not come back. She is extremely upset about this (he, by her account, took it in stride). Was saying stuff about how "this is what's wrong with our country" and "I expect my second graders to do that, not civilized adults".

Against my wife's advice I posted in the thread, basically saying that I'm sure the kid is great but he's aligned himself with a party of literal no fooling racists and facists.

Guys.

I don't know if you know this, but MetaFilter talking points don't work on Facebook.

I deleted my post and left the group after getting dog piled with rage.

(also when your spouse tells you not to do something you should not do that thing)
posted by zrail at 7:15 PM on October 19 [10 favorites]


I'm sorry zrail, but against your wife's advice, I'm going to applaud you for standing up for what you believe in.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:40 PM on October 19 [15 favorites]


i chose not pink as my pixel 3 color and it's not as pink as i'd like

there's a thread on the gra that's not as bad as it could have been but it's still not great, then again it's nice when people show me who they are, regardless of whether they say they're allies

i think i'm sadder about the first thing because the second thing is just par for the course

i don't have the fortitude to check on the megathread rn
posted by anem0ne at 8:42 PM on October 20


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